OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Limping Towards Battleground
July 14, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

I may be a bit brusque tonight, kids. Apologies in advance, but I already dawdled by watching the end of the Home Run Derby, because that loveable lug, Todd Frazier, advanced to the finals despite hitting an estimated 3 total home runs in the early rounds. His semi-final was him beating the mighty Giancarlo Stanton 1 home run to zero. Yikes. But also: cool, because Todd Frazier is awesome.

And I still have the season finale of "24" to watch before bed, which means something's got to give.

Like this precap. I hereby declare it officially over. And now, here's the story of what just happened on RAW:

MAN DOWN~!

No introductory fluffery, and instead, we slam cut to the inside of the Ihavenoidea Arena in Richmond, VA, and John Cena is on his way to the ring...

Oh, wait... during Cena's entrance, Cole & The Gang begin narrating a Video Package For the Benefit of Those With ADD focused on last week's climax and how it sets up tonight's six-man main event (Cena/Reigns/Ambrose vs. Orton/Kane/Rollins). When we come out of that, Cena's reached mid-ring and has a mic.

He admits that in six days, he may no longer be the Champ, because the Authority put him in a four-way match at Battleground, and he doesn't even have to be beaten to lose his title. The crowd, predictably, are not entirely upset by this notion. When Cena does a role call of the other participants, Orton and Kane get similarly predictable boos, but Reigns' cheers are notably off-the-charts.

And speak of the devil, Reigns is here, entering through the crowd to what sounds like a slightly remixed version of the Shield theme. In a true Austin Powers "Allow myself to introduce.... myself" Moment, Cena greets him with "All of Richmond is chanting your name, so allow me to introduce you to them." The hell?

Then Cena puts it on the line: he appreciates what Reigns did, bailing him out last Monday, but that won't matter come Sunday. Reigns is all "What are you trying to say?" And Cena is all, "I guess what I'm saying is we take care of business tonight, but on Sunday, I'm kicking your ass."

Reigns begs to differ, and the two are about to go nose-to-nose when Dean Ambrose pops up on the Titantron and tells them to drop the argument over whose the prettiest girl at the dance, and focus on tonight's fight. But all of a sudden he glances right, then left, and (in one of those horribly fake/overly produced moments that makes it very hard to explain why you're a wrestling fan) the camera pulls back to reveal Orton, Kane, and Rollins.

The three strike, and basically kick the ever loving shit out of Ambrose for 2 solid minutes. Finally, they step back to admire their handiwork, only to have Rollins ask them "That all you got, boys?" while still flat on his back. Very Roddy Piper of him. But it doesn't exactly work out for him. He starts getting to his feet, and while he's on hands and knees, Rollins gets up on top of a crate and delivers a Curb Stomp.

No more sassmouth, because Ambrose is unconscious.

One can't help but wonder what the hell Orton and Reigns were doing during all this. Ahem.

[ads]

SHEAMUS vs. MIZ (Non-Title Match)

No backstory here, other than the fact that both guys are in the IC Title Battle Royale on Sunday. Oh, and Miz still doesn't want anyone hitting him in his face, which isn't really compatible with Sheamus' MO. He even cuts a promo to this effect on his way to the ring, and gives the fans a special gift: for the duration of this match, "the moneymaker" (Miz's face) will be displayed on the Titantron. Magnificently Asshattish!

Miz then spends the opening moments running away from Sheamus' fists before we finally get down to bidness. Miz takes over on a standard cat-and-mouse role reversal, taking control when Sheamus chases him outside, and ramming Sheamus into the barricade.

When Sheamus so much as teases a comeback, Miz bails out of the ring again, and during the break in the action, we break for...

[ads]

Back, and in defiance of standard formula, Sheamus is firmly in control. But after delivering a brief beating outside the ring, Miz manages to trip him up, sending Sheamus face-first into the steel ring steps. Heel beatdown recommences.

During a headlock by Miz, they awkwardly cut to a lengthy graphic featuring all th participants in the IC Battle Royale. When they cut back to the ring, Sheamus has regained control. Shoddy timing, boys, shoddy timing. Works up to the 10 of Clubs, which is again more like 15, and this time, there's no obvious joke about Sheamus converting to metric for the benefit of a Canadian audience. Seems like maybe it's just the new standard.

Sheamus goes up top, but Miz knocks him off. Miz gets a nearfall off a short DDT. Miz goes for the Figure Four, but Sheamus kicks out and catches him with the White Noise on the rebound. Only a 2. Sheamus goes for the Brougue Kick, but Miz ducks, and Sheamus' leg gets caught over the top rope. Miz sneaks in the backdoor with a roll-up, and.... whoa, Miz gets the three count.

Your Winner: Miz, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Pretty basic stuff, action-wise, but I think they delivered the goods story-wise. Miz's whole "moneymaker" schtick gets him back on track after his comeback was shortcircuited by Jericho. The final visual of Miz celebrating his upset, with his own face supersized on the tron was the sort of thing that only enhances Miz's innate boo-ability.

Backstage: Orton, Kane, and Rollins are patting themselves on the back after destroying Ambrose. But when the discussion turns to Sunday, Kane and Orton start sniping at each other. The camera goes in close on them, and they start questioning whether they can trust each other tonight. Someone clears his throat, off camera, and (again; ugh) we pull back to reveal that Triple H has magically replaced Rollins. Seriously, this should look like a sporting event, not like somebody's under the misconception that they are Marty Scorcese. Christ.

HHH delivers a little scolding to the two, telling them their job is to make sure Cena and Reigns don't walk out of Battleground with the WWE Title. Thus admonished, the two put their heads down and slink away.

Then, for no really good reason, Stephanie shows up and says it really gets her all hot and horny when HHH exercises his power like that, before laying a big ol' smooch on him. I'll take Random Pointless Non Sequiturs for $800, Alex.

[ads]

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. FANDANGO

As a result of Friday's events, Fandango's now dancing with himself. OO repeats itself: he should bring back the original Fandangirl!

This is two more guys from the IC Battle Royale. Fast start for Ziggler, then as soon as Fandango strings together about 3 moves, Fandango's music starts up, and Summer Rae and Layla materialize on the announce table, and start dancing.

Distraction created, Fandango gets caught with the Zig Zag.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes flat. This was a big fat nothing, other than as an excuse for the post-match reveal that Summer and Layla both kind of have the hots for Dolph, and are totally into the menage. Just not with Fandango. Poor Fandango has to watch this play out in front of him: Summer and Layla simultaneously kiss Dolph on the cheek, and after only the briefest pause of confusion, he gives us the PG-rated version of Tommy Dreamer's "I'm hardcore, I'll take BOTH" Moment. Insult to injury for poor Fandango... but a nice new wrinkle for Dolph's gimmick.

[ads]

Backstage: a Sonic Carhop is bringing a fresh tray of goodness to catering, but then Damien Sandow shows up in his own Sonic gear (including roller skates) and takes the tray, saying this is his order and the girl should get lost. This is quickly revealed as a ruse by Sandow, so he can eat the delicious food without paying. But just before he can sink his teeth into the new Sonic Cheesey Bread Cheese Dog, Adam Rose (and his Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles) show up.

Rose says Damien's antics were very lemon-y, and he doesn't deserve the Cheesey Deliciousness. Sandow insists that he does. It turns into a tug-of-war over the hot dog. And one of the tuggers-of-war is on roller skates. So Sandow goes flying off into a dumpster, and Rose enjoys the cheesey dog, while the Menagerie all produce tasty Sonic Slushies.

I oppose ham-fisted product placements, but always make an exception for Sonic, as it is easily my favorite fast food joint, and I hate that they refuse to put one closer to my house (the nearest is about 20 minutes away, but on days I have business up around downtown, it's always a treat to hit Happy Hour on my way home, and get tater tots and a giant slushy of my own concoction for under $2; my most recent go-to is a watermelon/lime/strawberry combo).

THE USOS vs. WE'LL NEVER KNOW

So the Usos hit the stage, do their War Dance, and get Pearl Harbored by Harper and Rowan. A quick 2 minute brawl between the two teams is almost entirely one-sided in favor of the Wyatts. The take-away: Harper and Rowan are serious threats to take the tag titles on Sunday. I sort of think we already knew that, but whatever...

[ads]

SWAGGER/RUSEV "DETENTE"

I may be wrong about this, but shouldn't this be a "Summit," and isn't "Detente" a truce-like state of affairs that results from a "Summit," or do I fail at vocabulary? I'm pretty sure it's the former, as I can probably ask my mom to dig up all my old "Vocabulary Workshop" books to prove it. I made "Vocabulary Workshop" my bitch on a weekly basis from 6th grade through 12th grade.

I digress. Regardless of what it should be called, it's Michael Cole moderating a discussion between Swagger/Colter and Rusev/Lana, each behind a podium featuring their respective nation's flag. Lana gets first dibs, and goes on a rant about how America is stupid. She runs down a list of ways America is stupid, in the same way you'd do a "Your Momma So Fat" slam, and actually generates nuclear heat. She closes with a demand that Swagger and Colter apologize for America's massive stupidity.

Colter refuses, and talks about his service in Vietnam, and how he doesn't want to be lectured by some visitor to this great nation. So his answer isn't just "no." It's "Hell No."

Lana counters that by singing the praises of Vlad Putin, and how he's the man who could get America back on track.

Zeb counters by declining that offer, and saying that -- like all Real Americans -- he respects the office of the Presidency of the United States. Inexplicably, a portion of the audience can't even get over their rightwingery long enough to play along, and boo this. Jackasses.

Sensing the problem, Zeb changes gears quickly, and goes with something everybody can agree upon: Rusev is a big fat pansy who won't do his own talking and hides behind a woman. After a lengthy tirade over pants and skirts and who wears what, Zeb finally goads Rusev into grabbing the mic away from Lana.

Of course, he proceeds to speak in Bulgarian (or whatever) and so it just turns into a "What?" deal. Frustrated by all of it, Lana just calls the whole thing off, and tells Rusev to leave the ring... but it's just a ruse, because she lingers and bitchslaps Zeb, keeping Swagger distracted while Rusev sneaks around and attacks from behind.

The brawl is on, and in the end, Swagger gets the better of it, locking Rusev in the anklelock. Rusev seems to be tapping, but finally does escape when Lana reaches in and helps pull him to the outside. The heels retreat, while Swagger celebrates his moral victory to a massive "U-S-A" chant.

Backstage: Cena walks up to Reigns and recaps earlier events and how this was totally a set-up by the Authority to get them in a 3-on-2 handicap match. Which it is, now, since Dean Ambrose totally went to the hospital, and totally won't be coming back. [Yeah, right. There will be an AMBROSE ALERT~! at some point between 11:02pm and 11:06pm (eastern) tonight, or I'll eat a bug.] Reigns says he gets it, and not to worry, cuz no matter what's gonna happen Sunday, he knows he and Cena have to have each other's backs tonight in order to make it to the PPV.

[ads]

ROB VAN DAM vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO

Another match featuring two participants in the IC Title Battle Royale.

Quick start for RVD, but Alberto takes over after a cool spot in which he caught RVD attempting a plancha by yanking the ring apron out. RVD fell into the apron, and was trapped briefly, while Alberto attacked with various strikes (including a variation of his run-up enzuigiri).

Back in the ring, del Rio continued the attack and starting to target the arm in preparation for the cross armbreaker. After a few minutes, Alberto goes for his Concussor Kick, but RVD ducks it and starts a rally. Rolling Thunder for a two. Sets up for the Five Star, but del Rio gets his knees up into RVD's gut. Cross Armbreaker, and we're done here.

Your Winner: Alberto del Rio, in about 5 minutes. Maybe a bit of an upset, but then again, maybe not (since it's contract renewal time for Alberto, and he's so far indicated he's fine going into semi-retirement if WWE won't use him seriously; that leverage may be resulting in one last little push). Other than that, though, utterly forgettable, action-wise.

[ads]

NIKKI BELLA vs. ALICIA FOX/CAMERON (Handicap Match)

Before the match, Stephanie steps out on stage and says this should be a tag match, but once again, Nikki's all alone because Brie abandoned her. In true McMahon fashion, she takes about 4 minutes to deliver the simple concept, "Don't blame the Authority, blame your sister."

Nikki gets a brief flurry after miscommunication causes Alicia and Cameron to collide. But at the end of the day two is more than one. There are frequent tags, but Alicia handles most of the heavy lifting for the team, as she's the nominally more ring-capable one. And in fact, after all of a 10 second hope spot, Alicia scored th pin with a sort of modified legdropbulldoggy thing.

Your Winner: Alicia and Cameron, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. Well, 10 out of 10 to me for calling Alica and Cameron as a team. Minus several million to them for not doing Ass Voltron, as I politely requested. Dammit!

7.14.14: Sting teased some kind of appearance on RAW, and here it was. No actual Sting, just the official announcement of the worst kept secret in rasslin'... namely, that Sting is included in the upcoming WWE 2K15 game. This little hype video actually promises "two generations of Sting," although the package only included Crow-era Sting.

Note to the gullible: it's also already widely-known that WWE is releasing a Sting DVD this fall. So don't go getting worked up the next time there's some kind of tease. If Sting is really gonna do something worth caring about, it won't be until Royal-Rumble-ish. Till then, WWE just wants you to buy the merch. Which, as of today, also includes a t-shirt (black scorpion/Crow-era motif) that just went on sale at wweshop dot com.

[ads]

Backstage: HHH is doing some paperwork when Orton walks in. Orton just isn't sure about Kane. HHH reassures him, "Don't worry, Kane's just a pawn. And he's OUR pawn. He'll stick to the plan. And that plan is YOU." Orton says, "OK, so if the plan is me winning the WWE Title, then we don't need a Plan B. Right?" HHH delivers a rather patronizing, "Right, Randy. Right." Or at least, it seemed patronizing to me. But it didn't register with Randall.

CESARO vs. AD BREAK

So Cesaro makes his ring entrance, and he's notably alone. JBL says he heard Paul Heyman got fired. Lawler says he heard Heyman quit. Cole says Heyman was just on the Japan tour, and was in Richmond earlier today, so who knows what's up. But we won't find out the answer to this burning question until after these...

[ads]

BIG E (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs. CESARO (w/ No One)

Kofi's the one who has beat Cesaro two weeks running. Big E's the one who saved Kofi from a post-match beatdown last Monday. And all three are in the IC Battle Royale on Sunday.

Big E comes out strong, but when the match spills outside, Cesaro reverses a whip, and sends Big E over the barricade and into the timekeeper's cubicle. Cesaro continues with various Feats of Strength in the ring (including an impressive deadlift powerbomb). Meantime, Cole sticks to his story that Heyman was in the arna earlier today, and Lawler changes his story to he HOPES Heyman got fired, but he doesn't really know.

Big E fires up after a few minutes, hitting a few big suplexes, and then the Criss Cross Warrior Splash. But as soon as the strap comes down, Cesaro ducks out fo the ring to grab a steel chair. But Kofi intercepts him, and pulls the chair away... and when Cesaro turns back to the ring, he walks right into a Big Ending.

Your Winner: Big E. via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Cesaro loses yet again. And Kofi's the reason why, again. I can think of far worse things than coming out of Battleground with a dedicated Cesaro vs. Kofi IC Title feud.

[ads]

CHRIS JERICHO DEMANDS ANSWERS, BRAY WYATT SUPPLIES RIDDLES

Jericho hits the ring, and welcomes us all to RAW is Jericho. As he's in the middle of a spiel about how this is home and he's glad to be home and how he's been here for 15 years and he's seen it all from Big Show to Showstappers to Lord Alfred Hayes to Lord Tensai and tons of other obscure references, he casually reaches back to flip off his Lite Brite Jacket.

He also wraps all that up by reminding us that he still has a challenge open to Bob Barker. Anytime, anyplace.

But for all the things he's seen, he's never seen anything like Bray Wyatt. And he can't figure that guy out. But maybe it doesn't matter. Jericho would like answers, but if he can't have them, he'll satisfy thimself by kicking Bray's ass on Sunday. Cuz he ain't that much different than Bray, and he's completely capable of getting a little nuts, getting a little crazy.

This even gooses a "Lets Go Crazy" chant out of the crowd. Jericho challenges Bray to come on down, and even if he doesn't want to give Jericho answers, he can come get a taste of what's to come on Sunday.

Sheep mask freeze frame, and Bray is here. On th Titantron, not in person. Per usual, he says a lot of words, but it hard to ascribe much meaning to them. If you are one to infer meaning, it seemed like Bray was implying that he was targeting Jericho for abandoning us after he famously promised to Save Us (222). He closes with a question, "One last thing, Chris: are you afraid of the dark? [evil cackle]"

Sheep mask freeze frame, and the lights go out. When they come back on, Harper and Rowan are in the ring. They try to attack, but Jericho manages to escape, and starts backing up the ramp, keeping his eyes on them.

Which is why he doesn't see when Bray Wyatt comes up from behind to deliver a clubbering blow. He summons Harper and Rowan to him, and the three stomp away on Jericho until he's debilitated. Then Bray punctuates things with a Sister Abigail, and a Follow. The Buzzards.

[ads]

Backstage: it's Goldust and Stardust, once against trying to outweird each other. This week, they are joint-hallucinating some kind of celestial yellow brick road that leads to a place where all that glitters is.... inhale/nipple/rub/snort-chomp "Gol....." chomp-hiss/glitter-blow "SSSSSSSssssssssssssstardust." And then Cody makes his Star Hands, with the added feature of blinky electric mini-stars on his gloves. Once again magnificent, you freaks.

AJ LEE vs. THE ONE FROM THAT SHOW

That Which OO Does Not Acknowledge As Valid Entertainment is currently off the air, so why the hell is this neon-haired reality-TV vortex of who-cares on my TV? Jesus.

Paige is on commentary, and tries to counteract the uselessness of The One From That Show by being all charming and delightful in talking about how she and AJ are frenemies -- chummy, respectful, but still chasing the same title -- and effortlessly deflecting JBL's jackwagonery.

Then AJ locked in the Black Widow.

Your Winner: AJ, via submission, in 2 minutes. But honestly, Paige was the star here. She may look like a 16-year-old emo girl, but she was verbally jousting at a 37th-grade-level here. Very cool. After the match, AJ stopped by the table and had a little exchange with Paige, in Frenemy Mode ("Hey, your hair looks great." "Hey, yours to." "Welp, see you Sunday. At the thing where I have to beat you." "OK, cool. But I'm gonna win. Bye bye.").

Backstage: HHH is loitering, and in walks Kane. He doesn't exactly trust Orton, and more to the point, he doesn't particularly LIKE him, either, so honestly, what's his motivation for sticking to the Plan? HHH tells him to put those feelings aside, because this is business. And if Kane sticks to what's best for business, they ALL benefit. Kane's less than thrilled by this, but still half-nods and walks away. A second patronizing/less-than-sincere victory for HHH. Pretend to care!

[ads]

An Open Challenge: Bo Dallas is feeling so embiggened after last week's win over El Torito that he will face any comer this week. He says El Torito may be a small man, but he has a huge heart. "I just hope my opponent tonight has a heart that big." If you don't know what's coming at this point, you have my deepest condolences for being dumber than a house plant.

THE [redacted] KHALI vs. "THE INSPRIATIONAL" BO DALLAS

Yep. This.

Khali dominates and chucks Bo out of the ring, which would eliminate Bo on Sunday , when both are in the IC Battle Royale. But this isn't Sunday, and this isn't a Battle Royale.

Khali follows, and Dallas hits an apron-assisted BoDog. As Khali is about as nimble as the Iron Sheik at this point, he stands zero chance of getting to his feet before a 10 count.

Your Winner: Bo Dallas, via count-out, in 90 seconds. I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened. After the match, Bo tried to give Khali a BOtivational speech, but Khali just judo chopped him. Whee.

Backstage: HHH and Steph are chatting, and in walks Seth Rollins, who says he appreciates Randy's confidence, but c'mon, better safe than sorry, right? You gotta have a Plan B [slapping his MitB Briefcase]. HHH assures him that, yes, if they need it, they know they've got Plan B. And so Seth walks away, content, completing HHH's Hat Trick of Placation.

But just when you think they've finished off a trio of mostly pointless skits, Paul Heyman waltzes into the office. He says he's been busy tonight, but he thinks he's worked out something that will interest the Authority... so if they want an absolutely foolproof 100% Guaranteed Plan C, he's their guy.

Steph -- per their long-standing Seinfeld/Newman hate -- wants nothing to do with Heyman, but I'll be damned if HHH doesn't seem at least somewhat interested. Because he knows better than anyone what Brock Lesnar is capable of.

[ads]

RIC FLAIR IN "I STILL GET PAID EVEN IF I DID NOTHING, RIGHT?" THEATRE

Renee Young is standing in mid-ring, and introduces "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair, who gets a huge pop.

Flair says it's great to be back in Richmond, and does as much suggestive reminiscing about the nights he spent in Richmond as TV-PG will allow. "Ask your mothers about it," is his punchline when good taste requires he trail off. WHOOOOOO~!

Then Renee gets down to business, which is asking Flair who he thinks will win the WWE Title Four-way on Sunday. Flair says it's gonna be a great match. There's only one man who can strike like a Viper. Only one man who can rise up through hellfire and brimstone. Only one man you can believe in. But Flair's choice is the Man who already IS The Man, John Cena.

Roman Reigns' music hits, and he enters through the crowd, but when he gets to the ring, Flair shakes his hand, and exits. Then, when FLair's halfway up the ramp, Cena's music hits, and Cena comes down and also shakes Flair's hand, before continuing on to the ring.

And, uhhh, so I guess this is now setting up for the main event, and that appearance from Flair was spectacularly pointless on a show that's been loaded with pretty pointless filler.

Anyway, Cena and Reigns are now in the ring, and we break for...

[ads]

Friday on SmackDown: Chris Jericho takes on Luke Harper. Am I wrong for thinking that could turn out pretty awesome? I mean, I know Jericho's one week into a comeback, but he already looked WAY better against Orton on Friday than he did a week ago in that snoozefest against Miz... and Harper's just plain been a hoss in pretty much every chance he's gotten as a singles.

JOHN CENA/ROMAN REIGNS vs. RANDY ORTON/KANE/SETH ROLLINS (Handicap Match)

Cole again reassures us that Dean Ambrose is still totally at the hospital. Uh huh.

Bell rings, and we start with Cena vs. Rollins. Crowd is red hot with the "Let's Go Cena"/"Cena Sucks" thing. Cena gets the better of Rollins, so Rollins tags out, and let's Orton try his luck. Same thing, so Orton tags in Kane. Finally, success! Kane overpowers Cena, and while Cena's regrouping, Reigns tags himself into the match. Cena's a little miffed, but tells Reigns to go ahead and have at it, chumly.

Kane and Reigns trade haymakers, with Reigns coming out on top after a headbutt and a second-rope flying clothesline. But then Rollins and Orton stick their noses into things, creating a distraction. That allows Kane to strike from behind, and the heel beatdown is on. As the bad guys boast about their good fortune, we break for...

[ads]

Back, and Reigns is firmly installed as our Face in Peril. As is now customary, we return to find our FiP in a chinlock. But as a special twist, it's Kane applying it, instead of the master chinlocker, Randy Orton. About 30 seconds of that, and Reigns powers out of the resthold, hits one big clothesline, and both men are down.

Reigns dives and makes the hot tag to Cena. Rollins in on the corresponding move. Cena gets about four moves in, but then Kane steps in for the distraction. Rollins drops Cena from behind and tags in Orton, and it looks like Cena wants to try HIS hand at peril.

A quick round of frequent tags, and we end up back to Rollins. He eventually tries to put Cena down with a Sleeperhold, but Cena powers out. Rollins tries to get back on track with a Three Amigos suplex combo, but Cena counters the third one, and gets the tag to Reigns.

Orton in for the other side, but Reigns is on fire, taking out both Kane (Superman Punch) and Rollins (clothesline over the top rope) when they try to interfere. He refocuses on Orton for a flurry of moves, ending with a Samoan Drop. But when he sets up for a Spear, Kane intercepts.

Orton and Kane doubleteam Cena until the ref finally has no choice but to call for the bell.

Your Winners: John Cena and Roman Reigns, via disqualification, in about 15 minutes. Not bad, but so purely formula that not one thing about it will stick with you. In essence, they just threw in the towel and admitted that this was merely supplying the pretext for what happened....

After the Match: Orton and Kane kept pounding on Cena until Reigns made the save. Then, in the Pier Four, things started breaking down. First, Orton and Kane collided by accident, the Reigns cut Cena in half with a Spear after Orton side-stepped. Then Kane dropped Reigns with a chokeslam. And finally, Orton nailed Kane with an RKO.

Orton was celebrating while his music played, and it seemed like that might be it... but then Reigns reappeared and hit another Spear. So HE is the one who gets to celebrate the last laugh before Sunday's Fatal Fourway. The whole while, Rollins is nowhere to be seen after getting chucked out of the ring so the four "big boys" could play. And neither is Ambrose. So much for all my self-aggrandizing snark, eh?

Anyway, Reigns is happy, and on that note, we fade to black....

And so ends the show. I guess it was inevitable that RAW come crashing back down to earth after the lights-out show two weeks ago and the still-really-good one last week... but that doesn't stop me from feeling awfully disappointed in this effort.

HEY, I PAID ZERO DOLLARS, ENTERTAIN ME, DAMMIT!

But joking aside, yeah: not even one match with redeeming in-ring value, and nothing even remotely worthwhile from a storyline development perspective. Unless you count four guys in an upcoming 4-way match to be fighting among themselves, even if they are allegedly friends/allies. Which you don't, because you have standards.

A finish where Reigns speared Cena and Orton attacked Kane adds absolutely nothing to Sunday's match, really. Here in the year of our lord 2014, we take it as read that when the WWE Title is on the line, heel/face alignments don't really matter. That breakdown in the main event acted like "teasing" us by showing us what we already know will happen on Sunday was a compelling climax.

It wasn't. And I'm not just saying that because WWE pantsed me on the whole Ambrose-not-showing-up thing. [Note: will I ACTUALLY "eat a bug," or am I a damned dirty liar? I'm a man of my word. I'll put chocolate ants on my ice cream tomorrow night. You may call them "jimmies" or "sprinkles," but we always called them chocolate ants here. And they count as bugs!]

I digress again. I mean, yeah, I thought it was obvious as all get-out that Ambrose would show up, and said as much... and yeah, I think he could have added a little extra oomph to that ending, as well. Not because "teasing" us with a Rollins/Ambrose brawl is any more illuminating in terms of showing us something unexpected... but just because holding Ambrose back for the 15 minute match and then unleashing him would get that extra pop that the as-scripted finish was lacking.

Then again, maybe it's not wholly bad that there was no AMBROSE ALERT~! this week... in the absence of a cash-in attempt by Rollins, perhaps Dean's best motivation for showing up against all common sense (or doctor's orders) was lacking. Ergo, he stayed back to lick his wounds. Plus, it's not like Cena and Reigns came to help him when he got ambushed... why should he go out of his way to help them.

So OK, it wasn't what I called for, but I can retroactively see some logic there. Fair game.

But it still doesn't save WWE from the overarching criticism that tonight's show was just bland as hell. When the only three things you couldn't have accurately predicted are: (1) one of the hottest stars on the roster no-shows the main event, (2) Dolph Ziggler is now the luckiest man on the planet, and (3) Miz won a match, you're really just admitting that you're on cruise control heading into a PPV.

Or rather, a 10PV. Honestly, if you don't have The Network at this point, you're just being difficult for no good reason. Submit to the inevitable, already! I've had it since the start, and just when I think I'm getting on top of things, they do something like release the entire first 3 years of Saturday Night's Main Event (which they did last week), and all of a sudden, I've got even MORE catching up to do. It's pretty sweet.

But that also has to do with how you can watch Sunday's show, and not to do with the ho-hum effort here on Monday night. I can't in good conscience hand out a passing grade, here. That was a D-plus effort, in my book.

Hopefully, Battleground will get WWE back on track. No matter how it goes, I'll be here on Sunday night -- probably around 11:30pm or so -- with the full recap and analysis. Discussion (previews, predictions, and real time results) will be available all weekend long, however, on the OO Forums. Per usual, I'll risk the wrath of my webhost and open up registration on Friday or Saturday so you can jump in, sign up, and join us.

See you Sunday, kids...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.