OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Taking the Bad with the Good
July 21, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Of my many shameful hobbies, the one that I've copped to the least is my "Weird Al" fandom. It's hard to get people to take you seriously as a hard-rocking musical genius who has been in multiple bands of varying regional infamy when you own every album Weird Al Yankovic has ever released.

It's probably time to quit taking myself so seriously, because Weird Al is a fricking genius in his own right, and has been for 30 damned years, now. I'm pretty sure the first album I ever owned was when I got "In 3-D" for Christmas (on cassette) when I was in second grade. And it just kept on keeping on from there, up to last week, when Al released "Mandatory Fun."

Which, as luck would have it, is more pure, uncut awesomeness. Some straight up parodies, and maybe my favorite array of "style parodies" ever (predictably, I'm especially fond of the Foo Fighters-ish one and the Pixies-esque one, but also "Sports Song" -- in the style of a marching band college fight song -- might be my favorite). And on top of that, Al's already released 8 videos, completing an "8 videos in 8 days" stunt that helped turn "Mandatory Fun" into Weird Al's first #1 album ever.

Given that Al's videos have always been half the fun of his songs, this is an almost unfathomable embarassment of riches. I hereby implore all those within the sound of my voice who like things that are great (and who aren't ashamed of admitting you're kind of a dork-at-heart) to head to WeirdAl.com to watch and enjoy all the goodness.

And maybe buy the record. All the cool kids are doing it. Billboard says so.

With that, we turn to tonight's RAW, which -- sadly -- almost seemed like a parody of wrestling in spots. Luckily, amidst the future WrestleCrap, this schizophrenic episode also served up some pretty tasty bits. Here, let me tell you how:

IF YOU BELIEVE TONIGHT'S AN OPEN AUDITION, THEN I'VE GOT A BRIDGE TO SELL YOU....

No time wasted at the top of the show... Justin Roberts announces Triple H, who heads to the ring while Cole & The Gang inform us that the Authority failed to unseat John Cena as WWE Champion, and so HHH is making a "major announcement" about the new #1 Contender. Now see, THAT's how you recap recent events without wasting our time with 3 minute stand-alone video packages for the benefit of those with ADD.

So Hunter gets to the ring, and says that people backstage are afraid to look him in the eye after last night's failure... but he's not That Kind of Guy who'd take his frustrations out on his co-workers. No, he's [adopting a sarcastic tone] gonna go on Twitter to register his displeasure and maybe instagram or vine and basically does an impersonation of an indignant wanker fan (presumably because they bitched and moaned about there being no Rollins/Ambrose match at Battleground), which is sorta funny, I guess. But also pointless.

Then he switches back to a serious tone and says he didn't get to be the Cerebral Assassin by overreacting and spazzing out over every little thing. So, yeah, for realz, he's not firing anybody. He'll sit back and bide his time, because if the worst case scenario is that he has to wait a month to dethrone Cena, fine, he can wait. And in the interim, he can sit back and pick the best man for the job, and he GUARANTEES that Cena goes down at SummerSlam.

Enter Randy Orton, who thinks he's the one. HHH assures him he's a "frontrunner," but that tonight will basically be an open audition, and whoever steps up and impresses HHH the most will get the title shot at SummerSlam.

Enter Kane, who says he'll impress the hell out of HHH, but only if HHH cuts him loose from his duty as Orton's protector. "I've had enough of babysitting" is his zinger that causes HHH to step in between the two.

Enter Roman Reigns, who is of the opinion that nobody wants to see Cena vs. Orton for the billionth time, and nobody wants to see Cena vs. Kane ever. So he figures we should see Cena vs. Roman Reigns. Believe THAT!

And then Reigns drops the mic and launches a Superman Punch at Kane. Meantime, Orton and HHH duck out of the ring, where HHH says he's just had a brainstorm. Yep, Reigns vs. Orton vs. Kane, and it's happening RIGHT NOW. By which he means, after these....

[ads]

ROMAN REIGNS vs. RANDY ORTON/KANE (Handicap Match)

Welp, I guess I misunderstood. It's not actually a 3-way (which would have made infinitely more sense given the "open audition" concept), it's a handicap match with the goal of demolishing Reigns. Orton and Kane have to tag, not Tornado Rules.

Out of the chute, Reigns is not playing along with the "demolish Reigns" idea, as he gets the better of Orton. Kane tags in to try his luck, and Reigns keeps it up, initially, until Kane backs him into the enemy corner, and the bad guys start a standard frequent tag/ring-cut-in-half beatdown.

Kane actually seems to be shouldering the majority of the load -- presumably by design, give the "babysitter" line -- with Orton's tag-ins being quite abbreviated. So it's Kane in the ring when Reigns is able to muster a mini-comeback, reversing a whip outside the ring, sending Kane into the steel ringsteps.

Kane is down, Reigns is still spent, so with a break in the action, we break for...

[ads]

Back, and the bad guys have regained control. Specifically, Orton is working a chinlock, because that's the rule for heels coming back from an ad break, and also, that's the hold he has spent his life mastering. Very quickly, Reigns powers out of the chinlock, but has his hope spot snuffed out, lickettysplit. A little cameo from Kane, and then Orton's back in, where he goes for...

You guessed it: CHINLOCK~!

Reigns' for-real comeback begins by reversing a whip into a Samoan Drop. Orton makes the tag to Kane, but Reigns will not be denied. He goes to town. Leaping apron dropkick. Sets up for the Superman Punch, but Orton comes in for the distraction. That allows Kane to counter the punch with a big boot.

Kane goes to tag in the fresher man, but Orton steps back and refuses. Kane is all "WTF, dude?" And when he turns back to the match, he eats a Superman Punch and a spear. Fin.

Your WInner: Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Pretty much paint-by-numbers in terms of being a no-frills execution of basic formula. But if they're gonna spend 3 hours milking this "open audition" story (even if we all know how it ends, already), then there are worse ideas than telling the story that Orton is a jackwagon who thinks he's already "in the lead" and didn't have to do anything more, while Reigns actually beat the odds to win the match, making himself a credible challenger. I'm still not quite capable of suspending disbelief, but I definitely get what they're trying to accomplish.

Backstage: Stephanie McMahon has mustered a small army of cast members of That Which OO Does Not Acknowledge As Valid Entertainment... Alicia, Cameron, Rosa, and The One From That Show. Apparently, all four are facing Nikki Bella, and Steph wants them to destroy her, to send a message to Brie. Oy, this really is heading towards Steph vs. Brie, isn't it? Oh, and this match? Is next...

[ads]

NIKKI BELLA vs. ALICIA/CAMERON/ROSA/THE ONE FROM THAT SHOW

Oh, hey, look: Brie's sitting at ringside. She gives Nikki a big ol' hug, and all of a sudden, Stephanie's music interrupts Nikki's.

Steph comes out, and says she's not gonna let the Bellas get away with any shennanigans. She also spins a yarn in which Brie sold out her sister by quitting and supporting her husband instead of her own flesh and blood.

Brie calls Steph a bitch, and Stephanie calls for security to take this quitter out of the building. Brie is able to briefly wrestle the mic away from Steph, and says this is all because Brie left her handprint on Steph's face, and she's a spiteful, vindictive bitch. But by now, security has arrived, and Steph repeats the order, and Brie is hauled away, but only after Stephanie lands a slap while she's being restrained.

Steph says it's time to ring the bell.

Nikki takes a 4-on-1 beating for about 30 seconds, and then Alicia got the honor of making the pin.

Your Winners: Half the Cast of TWOODNAAVE, via pinfall, in 30 seconds. Whee. After the match, Steph taunted Nikki, again spinning it that this is all Brie's fault. Are there any replays of the match? Nope, but there are multiple replays of Steph's slap. And they'd re-replay it 5 more times throughout the rest of the show. And no, it doesn't age like a fine wine; it's pretty much equally cheesy and eyeball-roll-inducing.

[ads]

LEBRON SANDOW vs. "THE INSPIRATIONAL" BO DALLAS

Sandow is wearing a LeBron Heat jersey, but with duct tape over "Miami" and "Cleveland" written in sharpie. He riles up the crowd with a spiel about being so happy to escape Miami, to return home, before the match.

The bell rings, and Sandow seems extra intense as he beats the ever-loving shit out of Bo. The crowd isn't exactly sure it's OK to cheer for Bo, but they hate LeBron, so they just chant "Let's Go Heat" at Sandow.

Two minutes of carnage, but then Bo rolls out of the way of the Elbow of Disdain, and hits a flash Bo-Dog.

Your Winner: Bo Dallas, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. Per usual, Bo takes a victory lap and acts like he just won 10 Super Bowls. JBL claims this pushes the winning streak to "18-and-Bo." Cole corrects him: it's only 16 wins. In which he's landed exactly 16 offensive moves. BOlive THAT!

[ads]

CHANGE OF PLANS: the ring is all set up for The Highlight Reel, but Cole & The Gang inform us that something just transpired during the commerical break... Jericho was being interviewed for the WWE App, when the entire Wyatt Family attacked. Jericho is now being tended to by doctors, so.... well, there's a Sheep Mask Freeze Frame. The lantern is lit. Miami, they're here. The lantern is blown out.

THE WYATT REEL

The Wyatts hit the ring, and Bray says our regularly scheduled host is indisposed. "Where, oh where can Jericho be?" The clip of the ad break attack is played, to answer that question.

And with that, Jericho is not here. He's abandoned us. Again. It's his thing. But Bray is here. If we let him, he will save us. He knows he lost a match last night, but the battle doesn't matter. What matters is the war. And in this war for the hearts and minds of the fans, Bray knows he will win.

He's a monster, he's the Eater of Worlds. Time is of no concern to him, because he lives 100 years in a day, and will prevail in the end. He remembers that Abigail once told him "Don't go out looking for revenge, because if you do, you'll only have to dig two graves. One for your enemy, and one for yourself." And that's good advice for most people. But Bray is not most people. Bray is FOREVER. Follow. The Buzzards.

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: and with that, the Wyatts are out, and we cut backstage, to where Jericho is getting treated. He's woozy, and bleeding from the ear. Doesn't look like we'll be seeing much from him tonight.

[ads]

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. THE MIZ (Non-Title Match)

Miz won the IC Title by screwing Ziggler at the end of last night's Battle Royale. Before Ziggler's quest for justice can begin, Miz establishes that he's still not going to permit anyone to punch him in "The Moneymaker," in the form of chickenshitting out of the ring several times... but finally, Ziggler follows, and catches up.

That's bad for Miz, who's on the receiving end of a righteous flurry of moves. But when Dolph over-showboats on his 10 Elbow Combo, Miz rolls out of the way, and takes control of the match.

After a bit of double-reverse-y, both guys end up out on the apron, where Ziggler charges Miz, but Miz turns it into a backdrop, which sends Ziggler flying face-first into the top of the ring post. Sweet fancy Moses, that dude is crazy...

Miz admires his handiwork, while Ziggler writhes in pain on the floor, so we cut away for...

[ads]

Back, and Miz is still firmly in control. He's all mad and stompy, and muttering about Ziggler trying to punch him in the face. This goes on for a couple minutes, until Miz dodges a corner charge, and both men are down.

Ref's double count gets to 7, and then Ziggler's first to his feet to begin his fire-up. Leads up to an attempted Fame-asser, which Miz evades, and turns into his combo backbreaker, but Ziggler escapes that and tries to turn it into a backslide, but Miz counters it into a modified uranage.

The back-and-forth near falls continue, and finally starts to favor Miz, who begins softening up Ziggler's leg for the Figure Four... but Dolph keeps countering out of the actual hold. On the third try, Miz finally gets it cinched in.

Ziggler's just barely able to get a rope break, and when Miz tries to re-apply the hold, Ziggler kicks him off and hits the Fame-asser. That gets a really long two count, after which the crowd decides "This is Awesome." Not entirely unwarranted, I must admit.

One last exchange has Ziggler set up for the Zig Zag, only to have Miz turn it into a Skull Crushing Finale attempt, which in turn gives way to a successful Zig Zag. Done, and done.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Very good match, perhaps the best we've seen out of Miz in 3 years, when he was headlining PPVs and forced to put on 20 minutes matches every month. Not even the production mess-up at the end (they got a bad angle on the Zig Zag) took away from the outstanding End Game. After the match, Miz made a big deal out of making the ring announcer declare that he was STILL our IC Champ, but obviously, Ziggler's no entrenched as #1 Contender (which I think is a better idea than jumping directly to a Miz vs. Sheamus title unification feud, which was the big rumor of the day today).

Backstage: Seth Rollins is making his case for being #1 Contender at SummerSlam, but Triple H is telling him there's no reason for Rollins to get a scheduled match against Cena so long as he's got the MitB Briefcase... and in walks Cesaro, who wants Triple H to know that he's no longer a Heyman Guy. Why? "Because, sir, I want to be YOUR guy."

This annoys Rollins, who thinks that job is taken, but HHH knows you can't have enough guys. He says he makes no promises with regards to SummerSlam, but if Cesaro wants to make himself useful, HHH has just about had enough of that pesky Dean Ambrose. Might Cesaro want to deal with that for him? You damn betcha he might. Sounds like a good reason to stay tuned...

[ads]

AJ & PAIGE vs. EMMA/NATALYA

So this is the proof that AJ and Paige made-up after their match last night, and are still "frenemies" (friends who just so happen to both want to be champion).

AJ has her way with Emma to start, but when Paige tags in, she quickly ends up on the defensive. Nattie locks her in the Sharpshooter, and Paige fights valiantly towards the ropes. But instead of going for the rope break, she reaches up and tags in AJ, but Nattie's unaware.

Aj gets a running start and nails Nattie with a Shining Wizard while she's still got Paige in the 'Shooter. One Black Widow later, and we're finished here.

Your Winners: AJ and Paige, via submission, in 3 minutes. Nothing special, really, but a neat little finish, and it served as the set-up for what happened...

After the Match: AJ skipped around the ring in celebration, and Paige recovered and asked her to get back in the ring so they could celebrate together. They share a big hug and raise each other's hands... but as soon as AJ turns her back, Paige attacks.

She kicks the hell out of AJ, and tosses her out of the ring, where things get even more brutal. AJ eats the ring post, and is slammed into and over the announce table, all while Paige insists this is "my house" and turns to booing fans and conversationally says "Oh, then you're gonna love this next one," before savaging AJ again. I think I like Heel Paige.

As trainers swarm to tend to AJ -- who is selling it Old School, complete with convulsing -- Paige stands up on the stage, making the International Sign for "I Want Da Belt." Very effective segment.

[ads]

ZACK RYDER (w/ Summer Rae and Layla) vs. FANDANGO

So I was mistaken in my belief that Ziggler's new gimmick was going to be Living the Menage... I guess, in reality, it's Summer and Layla who've got a new gimmick as being into whoever's fighting Fandango. First, Ziggler. Then, Adam Rose last night. Now, Zack.

And like last night, the girls swing the match against Fandango. Zack hit a Rough Ryder, but Fandango was near the ropes, so he put his foot over the bottom rope, rather than kick out. But Layla sauntered over and shoved it off before the ref noticed.

Your Winner: Zack Ryder, via pinfall, in 90 seconds. Wow, a win for Ryder. And then the girls start grinding and smooching all over him. So in addition to a staunch anti-Fandango stance, they're also kinda slutty. TV-PG slutty, but still: making out with three dudes in one week is probably not sending out the best message to the young ladies out there. Or to the dudes out there, as it is now completely reasonable to assume you're entitled to a threeway with Summer and Layla if only you hate Fandango.

Did I mention that I hate Fandango?

Backstage: Renee Young has tracked down Flo Rida, who's just happy to be here, cuz he's such a big fan. Enter Heath Slater, who remembers what Flo Rida did at WrestleMania 28. That makes one person who does. Flo Rida helpfully does it again, to remind the rest of us. Poor Slater...

[ads]

PERMISSION TO FLIP AWAY THEATRE

Flo Rida comes out and performs some karaoke. If this is your cup o' tea, good for you, I'm sure you enjoyed it. But what can I say, I'm a "rockist" (an apparently bad name that has been lofted at Dave Grohl, so I'm in awesome company, at least), so yeah...

And then, after the karaoke is over, Stephanie McMahon asks the crowd to give Flo Rida a big WWE "thank you," which is apparently a tepid cheer.

Then, as we cut to the announce table, some dudes in suits show up and start talking to Steph. Long story short, they're cops, and they ask Steph about what happened earlier, and she cockily brags about how yeah, she gave Brie what she deserved. And Brie shows up and confirms Steph's the perp. And then they arrest Steph, including full Mirandizing and handcuffs and a slow, painful walk of shame up the ramp and to the backstage area, where there's more shitty dialogue when Triple H shows up asking what the hell they're doing, and they finally get Steph in the car and drive off.

Of course, WWE did not do things even REMOTELY the "short story" way, and that entire paragraph took 11 minutes to play out. On top of Flo Rida, it wound up being a contiguous quarter hour of stuff that doesn't belong on any halfway decent wrestling show.

The visual of Steph being paraded around in handcuffs (her arms pulled behind her, sadly, did some unsightly things to her after-market boobs) is a nice bit of satisfying heel-showing-ass, which is a tried and true heat-generating technique. But there's absolutely no defensible excuse for playing it like a compelling moment of massive significance. Steph is playing it like a cartoon villian, and it's loaded with crappy overacting on Brie's end. It's camp, pure and simple, but they played it straight. And worse, they played it straight for ELEVEN GODDAMNED MINUTES.

Oh yeah, and then they replayed highlights of it 3 more times. On top of all the other slap replays. The hell? I cannot, off the top of my head, remember a greater disconnect between actual gravitas and presented gravitas in the recent past.

Seriously, this is WWE is pooping an episode of "Jerry Springer" into our mouths, and calling it "12 Years a Slave."

[ads]

Backstage: a conflicted Triple H is ranting and raving while Joey Mercury stands nearby, providing the excuse for HHH to be saying his inner monologue out loud. In short, he loves his wife, and his first duty is to her. But he's got a show to run. So, well, they have to process her, right? Prints, mugshots, all that. Right? That'll take, what, like and hour, right? So yeah, it's totally OK if he hangs around and finishes his business, and then heads downtown after the show. Right? OK, so 10 out of 10 for closing that little continuity hole, but minus several million for everything that preceeded this, necessitating the closing of said hole.

KOFI KINGSTON/BIG E vs. RYBAXEL

Super Time Compression is in effect. Gee, I wonder why. Kofi as the insta-face-in-peril. Hot tag to Big E. Pier Four Brawl. Somehow Kofi is legal again, and goes for a Steamboat High Cross Body, but Ryback catches him and Shellshocks him.

Your Winners: Rybaxel, in 2 minutes flat. But again, it's another match that's not so much meant to be taken on its own merits as it was meant to set up what happens next....

After the Match: Rybaxel leave, and Kofi/Big E are licking their wounds when Eggsavier Woods appears in the ring, wearing a Brother Love suit. I shit you not: total Brother Love. But he's not here to do Brother Love. He's here to channel Farooq.

Yep, he lectures Kofi and Big E about how they'll never accomplish anything by shaking hands and smiling nice. They'll only get where they want to be if they TAKE IT, by any means necessary. So I guess those tweets about a new Nation of Domination weren't entirely without substance.... I'm sure they won't call it that, but assuming Kofi and Big E agree, the result will be a faction with racial overtones that could get kinda uncomfortable if not handled carefully. We shall see...

[ads]

THE [redacted] KHALI vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Lana's prematch bit is cut off after about 9 seconds, by Khali's music. Could be more time compression, or it could be the bad press WWE got for having Lana obliquely referece the Malaysian Airlines shoot-down at Battleground. [WWE's defense: "Well, she didn't come right out and say "Malaysian Airlines Flight 17," she implied it, and if that's what you took out if it, then that's on you, not us." Response to the response: "For real? Wow."] What was that I was just saying about WWE's handling of unfomfortable storyline overtones? *cough*

Meantime, we're all adults here, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission, in 2 minutes. Even with Rusev still selling the ankle from last night, there was a grand total of zero drama here.

Backstage: Stardust is holding a celestrial orb and ranting and raving about the mysteries of the universe at an increasingly fevered pitch, until Goldust appears and tells him to settle down. Their destiny is within their reach. They just need to obtain the Cosmic Key. It's calling out to them, and they will possess it, and become the most bizzare tag team ever, and then no one will ever forget the name of...... inhalenipplerub snort-chomp "Gooooooollllllduuu" HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS-chomp "Ssssssssssssstarrrrrrrrdduuuuuuuuuusttttt" glitterblow

Don't you ever change, freaks! Well, not until Cody's inevitable heel turn. But till then, keep it up.

[ads]

DEAN AMBROSE vs. CESARO

Bell rings, and Ambrose immediate bum-rushes Cesaro, who is more than happy to join the fight. Intense brawling, and an early awesome spot features another Cesaro Variation on a suplex: he drags Ambrose half-out-of-the-ring over the bottom rope, and suplexes him back onto the floor. Impressive. And painful-looking.

That sets up a more traditional heel beatdown, and Cesaro slows things down with a methodical attack focused on Ambrose's still-taped left shoulder. Ambrose gets a hope spot by charging Cesaro while the ref is pulling him back (Ambrose was in the corner, and the ref was breaking it up), but that lasts all of 15 seconds, until Ambrose goes for a plancha, and Cesaro catches him in mid-air with an uppercut. Nasty.

Ambrose is out of it on the floor, and Cesaro needs a moment to get his full faculties back, too, so it's time for...

[ads]

Back, and Cesaro's back to the shoulder, wrenching back on an armbar. Ambrose fights out and tries to rally with his wacky rope-rebound spot, but Cesaro is having none of that happy crappy and hits a deadlift German, instead. Then, he sets Ambrose up on the top turnbuckle, and goes for a standard superplex.

Now it's Ambrose's turn to be having none of it, as he headbutts Cesaro off the ropes, and follows up with a missile dropkick. Full fledged comeback is on, leading up to a near fall off a Tornado DDT. Cesaro tries to charge, but Ambrose lowbridges him, and follows up with a suicide dive through the ropes.

Back in the ring, and Cesaro shoves Ambrose off, and this time the Wacky Rope Rebound works, and Ambrose gets a two count. Cesaro got a near fall of his own off a clothesline combo. Then he tied Ambrose to the Tree of Woe, and stomped the mudhole. Ref has to forcefully restrain Cesaro, and again, that's key to Ambrose getting an opening.

He charges Cesaro and peppers him with blows, and is in Loose Cannon Mode. After the pummelling, he ducks outside, grabs a steel chair and blatantly whacks Cesaro in the head with it. The ref calls for the bell, and Ambrose flails away a few more times, but Cesaro is able to escape to the outside.

Your Winner: Cesaro, via disqualification, in 10 minutes. Just a delicious little tasty taste of what could be...a bit abbreviated, yes, and a cheap finish, yes. But tantalizingly good while it lasted. I'm sure there will eventually be more where that came from.

Backstage: Renee Young is waiting outside HHH's office, and when he emerges (what convenient timing!), he cuts her off before she can ask anything. "I'm on my way to the ring right now to announce the new #1 Contender. You can find out with the rest of them." But that wasn't Renee's question. She asks "But shouldn't you be with your wife right now?" HHH just shoots her death stare and stalks off.

Because this whole mess wasn't already awful enough, we just HAVE to add a layer of marital strife, too. Joy.

[ads]

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU ANVILS, PAUL HEYMAN MAKES ANVILADE

Triple H is already standing in the ring, and says he's made up his mind, and the man who will challenge John Cena for the WWE Title at SummerSlam is....

Randy Orton's music hits, and he gets about 3/4s of the way to the ring... and then Roman Reigns runs out and they start brawling. Because we're on a tight schedule here, the cameras opt not to follow them when they disappear into the crowd.

Instead, we spy Paul Heyman strolling out onto the stage. He says that HHH has a problem: Randy Orton is great and all, but he's not gonna get a clean shot at Cena so long as Reigns is around. And Paul loves Plan B, but Seth Rollins won't cash-in so long as that lunatic Ambrose draws breath.

So Heyman proposes "Plan C." Brock Lesnar's music hits, and the crowd goes nuts.

Meantime, HHH isn't quite sure how to feel. On one hand, Lesnar is dangerous. On the other, HHH has felt the brunt of Lesnar's wrath in the form of multiple broken arms. As Heyman and Lesnar get to the ring, HHH's face is blank....

But then he breaks out into a shit-eating grin, and shakes Paul's hand. Then, a bit more cautiously, shakes Lesnar's hand, too. Then leaves.

Heyman takes the mic, who reminds us that he's Paul Heyman, and his client, Brock Lesnar, conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. And now, his client, Brock Lesnar, is the new #1 Contender, and the next WWE World Heavyweight Champion come SummerSlam.

Then Heyman says he's noticed a divide among WWE fans lately. On one side, you have neon-green-wearing fanboys who enthusiastically chant "Let's Go Cena." But on the other, you have people who don't get tucked into bed by mommy ever night, who relish in chanting "Cena Sucks."

Predictably, this gets plenty of cheers, but Heyman plays it off by declaring that his client could not care less. It's all business to him. He wants to be champion, he doesn't care about being loved. As evidence, Heyman shoots it to a video package of Lesnar beating Taker at WM, and then says his client doesn't just want to be champion. He wants the fight. He wants to inflict the suffering. His client isn't going to come out here and play wrestling "bad guy" by saying Cena can avoid a beating if he just gives up his title... his client can't wait to destroy and mangle John Cena.

He invites the fans to "Pledge allegience to the #1 Contender for the WWE Title. And to the carnage for which he stands. One Cenation, under God, now divided, with pain and suffering for all." Or close to it, I'm too lazy to go back downstairs and consult the DVR for the exact quote. But it was pretty clever.

And it also provides the punchline for tonight's show, having effectively increased the percentage of boos for Lesnar and interest in a match that we already knew about. Seriously, that was an impressive segment; everybody pretty much already knew Lesnar was the SummerSlam challenger weeks ago, and insofar as his arrival got a reaction, it was positive, because people still love to hate Cena. And by the end, not only had Heyman turned the already-known Cena/Lesnar match into an epic must-see showdown, he'd turned half the cheers to boos.

An impressive display of skill, indeed. Lesnar's basking into the 80/20 boos-to-cheers as we fade to black.

And so ends the show. A show that was seriously all over the place. Bipolar, schizophrenic, whatever you want to call it. Some really good (and in surprising places), and some just plain awful.

The "main event" is the perfect microcosm... I had it penciled in as a mere formality, sure to end anticlimactically (especially since Cena wasn't even in the building to face his new challenger; he's off filming a movie), but then the show pulls a crazy 180, and thanks to Heyman's genius, it turns out to be an adequately epic announcement of a huge title match.

"This is Awesome" chants during a Miz match? Yeah, I'd have lost money on that, too. But it was a really really good match, with an exceptional End Game. Cesaro/Ambrose was also pretty sweet. The opening handicap match was a bit connect-the-dot, but it told the necessary story and didn't suck.

Aside from the in-ring, I was also a big fan of Paige's heel turn. And I thought Bray's promo was his most decipherable and on-point (and thus, effective) ones in a while. I'm even game to see what comes of this new Nation of Domination, which was another unexpected little twist.

But then there was everything Steph/Bella, which I'm predisposed to dislike... but WWE amplified that predisposition with how badly they misjudged the presentation (i.e. all elements of the cartoonishness of Steph's villianry and the level of acting adding up to camp, but WWE acting like it's high drama). Added together, the two offending segments were probably 15 minutes. But on top of that, they spent about another 15 replaying them and talking about it in hushed and awestruck tones. That's a significant percentage of the show dedicated to stuff that makes it hard for me to admit that I'm a wrestling fan.

So yeah, that's really bad. Boo, WWE, boo.

Step back and let's do the math... 30 minutes of soul-crushing poorness. But the two strong matches plus Paige's heel turn probably added up to just about 30 minutes. Then about 20 minutes of stuff that was solid, but unspectacular "Sustainable Episodic Television, and the rest was about 45-minutes of pretty useless filler that I could take or leave (or commercials). Apply the standard bonus for the final segment leaving a good taste in my mouth, and you end up pretty much smackdab middle of the road show.

So let's call it a C-grade show ont he night of Plan C. Ahhhh, the ironing.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.