OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Unlike Last Week, the Champ IS Here.
July 28, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Words words words words. Something about the Reds. Words words. Dayton Flyers. Words words words words words words. Big words. I like rock 'n' roll. Other made-up words ending with -ery. Plea for donations via paypal. Still more words.

Clever segue back to the actual reason why you're here.

And with that, I should be past the ad box, despite having absolutely nothing on my mind that's worth sharing. Here's what happened on RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: stuff happened last week. But OO does not recap recaps.

CENA PICKS UP WHERE HEYMAN LEFT OFF

Kicking things off, here's John Cena, who was conspicuously absent last Monday (he was off filming a movie, and he'll also be absent next Monday). But just because the Champ wasn't here doesn't mean the world stops turning on its axis... Triple H named a new #1 Contender, and Cena admits it's his worst nightmare, the thing that he wanted to never happen.

Brock Lesnar.

He puts Lesnar over as a the most devastating force in wrestling. He even puts over Heyman for his killer promo, noting that he heard the cheers, and he knows some are looking forward to Cena getting his ass kicked. So, he figures he'll go ahead and tell those fans: he's gonna get his ass kicked at SummerSlam. So tune in, and enjoy it.

But at the end of the night, he'll get up from that beating, and he'll do what he did back in 2012: he'll get the win over Brock Lesnar. Whatever it takes, Cena will not let Lesnar take the title, because if that happens, it'll be the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria... the most devastating force in WWE as the champion + the power-mad Triple H backing him, that simply can't be allowed to happen.

Enter Paul Heyman. He applauds Cena's honesty about the beating he's gonna take... but he doesn't think Cena appreciates the full gravity of the situation. Because Cena can take a beating, and he can get back up; he's done it time and time again. But at SummerSlam, it's gonna be a whole other ballgame.

At SummerSlam, Cena won't take a beating. Cena will be VICTIMIZED~! Heyman then goes onto riff on the "victim" concept, painting it as an entirely different thing than being beaten, and holds up the Undertaker as his evidence. The Undertaker had been beaten before, but at WrestleMania, Lesnar made him a "victim," and now, nobody's seen or heard from Undertaker. He's nothing but a memory. Just like Cena will be after SummerSlam.

Cena responds by talking about passion. He says passion is what will be the difference at SummerSlam. Because Cena loves this job, he lives and breathes this job, and his passion is what drives him to bust his ass, 24/7, to keep that job and to keep his title. Meantime, Brock Lesnar is Heyman's circus freak who shows up a few times a year, and yeah, he wreaks havoc while he's around, but this business is NOT his passion, and that will be his undoing.

Mark my words: this is a really good promo, but I sort of still see the thumbprint of the Writer Monkeys. A little heavy on the "VICTIM~!" vs. "PASSION~!" talking points. This was written, it wasn't two real people talking, and that's a problem. But at the same time, OK, it still made me care. And more to the point, it's gonna be pretty sweet when distilled down to a PPV Video Hype Package where they emphasize the two main theses.

I digress. Cena ramps up a really loud, intense, and shouty speech that's light on any significant content, but for once, man alive, his loud and shouty voice is the pitch perfect tone, and the crowd's getting behind him. He ends with a promise that he'll retain the WWE Title, cuz the only way he won't is if Brock Lesnar beats every last breath out of his body, and Brock doesn't have the passion to do that.

And all of a sudden, there's an Air Raid Siren, and here's Cesaro. He shares a tender moment with Paul, but opens his comments by saying "Even though Mr. Heyman and myself are no longer professional colleagues, I will not stand for you besmirching my friend." Heyman is truly touched.

Cesaro turns to zingers, making fun of Cena's cartoonish wardrobe. What are those, K-Mart sneakers? Don't you know you can't wrestle in sneakers? Well, in your case, you just can't wrestle. KA-POWZA~! The crowd liked that one.

Cesaro is willing to prove it, and challenges Cena to a match, right here, right now. Cena accepts, saying he'll wrestle circles around Cesaro... that seems, ummmm, implausible, but I'm all for Cena doing his best to bust out one of his periodic displays of OMG WORKRATE~!

Cesaro heads to the ring, but first, we're gonna break for...

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JOHN CENA vs. CESARO

We return just in time for the bell to ring. How kind of them to wait.

And sho' 'nuff, Cena's gonna try to impress us with his grapplingsmanship. In fact, he gets the better of Cesaro with some early chain wrestling. Nothing with a particularly high degree of difficulty (and sometimes a bit clunky, especially on a FrankenCena), but it's different enough from Cena's usual moveset that it's still pretty impressive.

Cesaro puts an end to that, by plucking Cena out of midair on an attempted leapfrog and turning it into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Cesaro keeps the pedal to the metal for a bit, but then -- after he chucks Cena out of the ring -- he stops to gloat, instead of following up. Cena gets to his feet at about a 7 count, and is suddenly motivated to dive into the ring and charge Cesaro at Mach 5.

This marks the end of Scientific Cena, and the return of brawly Cena. However, for the moment, it's only an extended hope spot, but a full fledged comeback. Cesaro counters a running bulldog by shoving Cena off into the turnbuckle. As Cesaro settles back in on offense (specifically, an armbar), we break for...

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We return to find Cena in the middle of a rally, but when he goes for an atomic drop, Cesaro counters into a DDT. Cesaro's feeling it, so he sets up for the Giant Swing... but instead, Cena basically does a sit up from that position, ending up on Cesaro's shoulders, then spinning around into a sunset flip for a nearfall. Then after another sweet bit of double-reversey, he adds on a powerbomb for another near fall. Impressive exchange.

Cena goes up, looking for the top rope legdrop, but instead, Cesaro shoves him off and hits his freaking awesome Deadlift Super Duperplex. Now he goes for the Swing, and gets 8 revolutions. Cesaro goes for the submission with a modified Indian Deathlock... but Cena fights the good fight, and powers out. He drops Cesaro with a slam, and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle.

But as has been the story of the match, Cena wants to out-do Cesaro. In this case, not in terms of outwrestling him, but in terms of out Feat-of-Strengthing him. So Cena gets him up for the F-U, and then starts climbing the ropes to turn it into an Atomic F-U.

Cesaro fights out of it and headbutts Cena to the mat. Cesaro tries a flying bodypress, but Cena rolls through and in one smooth motion hoists Cesaro back up into F-U position. FEATS OF STRENGTH~! But Cesaro sneaks out the back door and when Cena turns back around, Cesaro meets him with the Elevation Uppercut.

Only a two. And there's our first "This is Awesome" chant of the night. I can't dispute that claim.

Cesaro takes a moment to convey his frustration, so when he goes for the Neutralizer, Cena's had enough time to recover. So Cena flips out and hits a big boot. But instead of going down, Cesaro falls into the ropes and bounces back with a big boot of his own. Nice.

But then Cesaro gets greedy, and heads up to the top rope... Cena joins him, and after a quick trading of blows, Cena hoists Cesaro up onto his shoulders and finally hits the Atomic F-U off the middle rope. Done and done.

Your Winner: John Cena, via pinfall, in about 20 minutes. Well, well, well, that's a hell of a way to kick off the show. The effective promo (in which Cena pulled off the same trick as Heyman did last week, by getting us all genuinely excited for something we all knew about already), straight into an excellent match. Almost a page out of the old school ECW book, where segments blended together seamless, and before you even know it, you're 35 minutes into the show, and you've loved every second of it.

Backstage: aaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddd the streak ends at 35 minutes, because here's Stephanie and Triple H. And Steph is all over-actory and distraught over her embarrassing "arrest" and how their daughters will never look at their mom the same way again and blah blah blah. But HHH assures her that he has a plan, and it'll be OK and....

Randy Orton storms in -- oblivious to the ongoing melodrama -- and says "Hey, Hunter, we have to talk." So HHH tells Steph to give him a minute, so she disappears. Orton proceeds to demand that HHH undo the Lesnar/Cena match, because HE is, was, and always will be Plan A. HHH tries to explain that plans can change, and in this case, Roman Reigns forced that change. So Orton demands a chance to get even with Reigns. But HHH has already booked a match for tonight: Reigns vs. Kane. So that leaves Orton to seethe, and moan about how "I know I have a problem with Reigns. And after last week, I've probably got a problem with Kane. But you better make sure I don't start to have a problem with you."

End scene.

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AJ GETS A LITTLE CRAZY

Here's Paige. She's here to talk, and wants us to know that she really does still consider AJ a friend. But also, she's young, and makes mistakes, and in the heat of the moment, she stopped seeing AJ as a friend, and saw her as the person who took her title away from her.

So please please please, won't we all just forgive her, becasue she totally for-realz means it.

And here comes AJ, in a pair of cut-offs that instantly lower my IQ by about 40 points. It's OK, I have plenty of those to spare, but.... wow. Anyway, AJ isn't really in a forgiving mood. She says she doesn't believe a word of it, but she does sort of know where Paige is coming from. Because Paige is the one who took AJ's title away from her, so they really have a lot in common. But AJ thinks if Paige really wants to be more like AJ, she needs to drop the "little girl games."

AJ says that she doesn't believe in smiling to your face, then whispering behind your back. If she's got a problem with you, she'll take care of it, right to your face. And with that, she drops the mic and bum rushes Paige. She rains down a few blows before Paige is able to escape and scurry away from the ring, crying about how "Why, AJ? We're friends!"

But I don't think anybody's buying it.

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CHRIS JERICHO'S GREATEST HITS

The Authority hit the ring, but before they can get down to business, let's waste another 3 minutes on the night's second replay of last week's "arrest." But what the hell, 3 minutes is better than the 11 minutes it took in real time...

HHH opens the comments by saying that he's had his ups and downs with the fans, but at the end of the day, he always respected their right to speak their minds. But no more, because of the way they treated his wife last week. He starts a little call and response, remembering the various humiliations, so that the crowd can chant "YES!" to every single one.

But while he'll never forgive the fans, the justice system is far more reasonable, because all the charges against Steph have been dropped. Well, except for the one original assault and battery charge. But the resisting arrest and apparently some other ones that I can't be bothered to remember are all gone. So now, we just have to talk Brie Bella into dropping that charge, and all will be right with the world.

So, to that end, Steph reached out and invited Brie to RAW. And now, she invites her out to the ring to settle things.

Instead: BREAK THE WALLS DOWN~!

Because no humiliation of Stephanie McMahon can be complete without Chris Jericho mocking her boobs (and after last week's unsightly arms-handcuffed-behind-the-back display by her after-market funbags, he's got plenty of ammo) and calling her a disgusting trashbag ho. You know, for old time's sake.

So Jericho spends about 8 seconds feigning concern, before offering to console Steph with a song... it's the "Bad Boys" song from "Cops," and the fans join in enthusiastically. HHH tells Jericho to shut up, so Jericho turns his mockery to Hunter's giant nose.

Then, he gets a little more serious, and tries to drive a wedge between HHH and Steph, underscoring that he didn't go downtown with her, and stayed at RAW until after the show ended. Could it be that HHH is only now coming to realize what Jericho has known for years? That Stephanie McMahon is a filthy, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding trashbag ho?

Viva la Greatest Hits!

HHH gets all angry, and says the last he saw of Jericho, he was bleeding and beaten, so maybe Chris should stop worrying about their business, and start worrying about his own: Bray Wyatt.

Jericho says he's plenty focussed on Wyatt, and says he wants another match against him. In fact, he'll take it right now. But HHH says no, Jericho will wait until SummerSlam to face Wyatt again. But HHH has a Plan for Jericho...

Did some say "Plan"? Because here's Seth Rollins swooping in out of nowhere to bludgeon Jericho with the MitB briefcase. HHH's plan is for Jericho to face Rollins later tonight.

I'll take it! Hell, at this point, I'll take ANY wrestling. It's 1 hour and 15 minutes into the show, and we've only had the one match. But hey, Jericho/Rollins could easily equal (or surpass) Cena/Cesaro, so I shan't bitch too much...

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THE USOS/DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. MIZ/RYBAXEL

The good guys were winners over the bad guys in a pair of matches last week, so the bad guys are hoping for a different result by forming a Voltron. Out of the chute, Ziggler's obsessed with getting at Miz, which makes him easy pickin's for Axel (the legal man).

Ziggler's finally able to make a tag to an Uso, and the good guys get the better of a Pier Fiver (because Miz doesn't want to risk "the moneymaker" by getting involved just yet). Meantime, we also see that the New Nation -- Kofi, Big E, and Eggsavier Woods -- are watching on a monitor backstage. Presumably to keep an eye on the tag champs?

Anyway, once the good guys win the 3-on-2, there's a natural break in the action, which we use for...

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Back, and the New Nation have come out to the ring for an even closer look. They're watching Miz work a chinlock on Ricky Uso. Then some frequent tags and more beatdown, while the fans chant "We Want Ziggler."

After about 2 minutes, they get what they want, and Ziggler's in and on fire. Ryback's the legal man, but once again, things break down into a big schmozz. One Uso takes out Axel. Miz takes out the other Uso, but dives out of the ring when Ziggler threatens the Moneymaker. That leaves just Ziggler and Ryback, and Ziggler escapes a powerbomb attempt and hits a flash Zig Zag.

Your Winners: Dolph Ziggler and the Usos, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Nothing fancy, but I think this effectively serviced two stories: (1) Miz is a slimy jerkface who will hopefully get his comeuppance from Ziggler, and (2) the New Nation have designs on the tag titles. And that's Sustainable Episodic TV for you.

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R-TRUTH vs. "THE INSPIRATIONAL" BO DALLAS

Bo prefaces the match with a BOtivational speech about how Truth can never be undefeated, like Bo, because he's lost so many matches in his career. But he can get it back on track, if only he BOlieves.

Then the bell rings, and Bo hits a clothesline. And immediately celebrates with a victory lap, while Truth looks miffed. Bo gets back in the ring to follow-up, and instead Truth hits a Lie Detector, and ends the Streak.

Your Winner: R-Truth, via pinfall, in 30 seconds. Welp, it's over.

After the Match: Dallas grabs a mic and says he "can't bolieve it." Then he feigns a Handshake of Mutual Respect, but instead pulls Truth in and pummels him viciously. Then, once Truth is decimated, he flips the switch back, flashes a cheesey smile, and takes another Victory Lap. Bo no-likey the losing.

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COLTER READS LANA THE RIOT PATRIOT ACT

We return to find Rusev and Lana already in the ring, and the crowd chanting "USA!" at them. Lana tells them to shut up, and launches into a spiel about how the American Flag is no longer a symbol of excellence or supremacy. And just like that, I'm 99% certain that the Rusev/Swagger rubber match will be a flag match

Then there's some Putin Love and some Obama Hate, and since they're in Texas tonight, she even works in a mention of George W. Bush. Whee.

Finally, here are Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. And sure enough, Zeb's first order of business is reminding us of how awesome the American Flag is, because it stands for a bunch of serious stuff, and then he closes by saying it also stands for "pick-up trucks, pretty girls, and beer." WE THE PEOPLE~!

For some reason, this enrages Rusev, who puts down his Russian Flag, and is itching for a fight. So Swagger hands his American Flag to Zeb, and heads to the ring to accommodate him.

Rusev wins the first part of the brawl, but when he goes for the Camel Clutch, Swagger counters it into the anklelock. Rusev immediately grabs the ropes and pulls himself outside, in retreat. Zeb and Lana appear, and deliver the flags, which Swagger and Rusev wave aggressively at each other.

Told you so.

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DAMIEN SANDSTRONG vs. ADAM ROSE

So this week, for the fans in Houston, Sandow is in a full moonsuit, and declares that the rise of nitwits and halfwits like Adam Rose and His Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles is proof that the WWE Universe has taken "one small step for man, one giant leap down the toilet for mankind."

Rose and Co. hit the ring, and he calls Sandow a "sour little spaceman" and implores him to not be a lemon, be a Rosebud. Damien counters with "In space, nobody can hear you scream. But here on Earth, everybody's gonna hear you screaming for mercy."

Sandow jumpstarts the match, but wrestling in a moonsuit doesn't really work out, and Rose recovers and almost immediately hits the Party Foul.

Your Winner: Adam Rose, via pinfall, in 30 seconds. Poor Sandow. Poor, poor Sandow.

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. KANE (Never Happens)

As Reigns makes his standard entrance (through the crowd), Randy Orton attacks. They brawl towards the ring, where Reigns has designs on taking control of things.

But then Kane decides to put his two cents worth in. And even though Kane and Orton are skunk-eyeing each other, and clearly not on friendly terms, they're both more interested in attacking Reigns than attacking each other.

As such, Reigns manages to KO Orton with a Superman Punch. But then Reigns eats a chokeslam. Kane seems satiated by this, and just leaves the scene.

Orton's the first to his feet, though, as Chokeslam > Superman Punch, and stomps away on Reigns to cement his advantage. Then, a trip outside the ring, where Reigns is introduced to various props. Into the ringpost. Hanging DDT off the barricade. Head slammed into the ring steps.

And then, an RKO on the announce table. But the table doesn't break. Wow, other than a live microphone, I think the announce table is making a case for being Orton's 2nd greatest nemesis.

The crowd immediately gets on Orton's case for screwing things up, and so he immediately gets back up on the table, and hits a second RKO, with some stank on it. You better believe the table broke this time.

And you better believe that Orton went right to the ringside fans who taunted him and was all "How you like me now?" before remembering that he SUPPOSED to be angry at Reigns for "stealing" his title shot. So he goes back to Reigns carcass to yell variations on that sentiment at him.

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ONE MATADORE (w/ Layla, Summer Rae, and El Torito) vs. FANDANGO

Yep, and so it continues... declare your dislike of Fandango, and you get Summer and Layla. Although, it does seem like they wised up a bit, as there's no slutty vibe. This time, no double-smooching on Diego, they're just here to make Fandango miserable.

Also different, the girls don't cost Fandango the match this time. That honor goes to Torito, who distracts Fandango, allowing Diego to get the quickie roll-up.

Your Winner: Diego, via pinfall, in 1 minute flat. And I guess I spoke too soon, because Summer and Layla double-smooch Torito after the match. But instead of getting sleazy, Torito immediately faints, and we play it for laughs.

Backstage: Steph knocks on the door of the Divas' Lockerroom, and Nikki Bella answers. She's looking for Brie, however, and swears she honestly just wants to make peace with her, and hopes Brie will be "reasonable." Nikki doesn't seem to think that's in the cards, and slams the door in Steph's face.

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Backstage: Stardust is in the Celestial Lair, doing all sorts of long division on a chalkboard, while ranting and raving about distance equals rate times time and Alpha Centauri and the Gamma Quadrant... and in walks Goldust, who says he's finally figured it out. He knows where the Cosmic Key is. Stardust turns away and babbles some celebratory gibberish, and when he turns back, a message has appeared on the chalkboard:

"THE COSMIC KEY = They Have It"

They have it? Yes, they have it. And they will never forget the name of Gol...... *glitterblow* Sssssssssssssstardust.

Usos vs. Wyatts vs. Dust Brothers vs. New Nation at SummerSlam, anyone?

NAOMI & NATALYA vs. CAMERON & ALICIA

No entrances, just slam cut back to the ring in time to hear the bell. Alicia gets a brief flurry of offense, but we pretty quickly get down to Naomi vs. Cameron. And Naomi locks in a leg-scissor-y type of move, and Cameron taps out.

Your Winners: Naomi and Natalya, via submission, in 90 seconds. I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened.

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CHRIS JERICHO vs. SETH ROLLINS

Jericho seizes the early advantage, to the point that Rollins tries to powder out to regroup. Jericho follows, and Rollins tries to turn it into the standard cat-and-mouse role reversal spot, but Jericho spoils it.

Instead, Rollins is limited to sporadic outbursts of offense, while Jericho's nominally in control for the first 3-4 minutes. It all builds up to Jericho taking Rollins out with a double jump springboard shoulder block (instead of his usual double jump springboard dropkick), and then high fiving everybody at ringside.

A lull in the action means....

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Back, and Rollins is working a Cobra Clutch. We see footage of him dodging a charge during the ad break, causing Jericho to ram, head-first, into the ring post.

Jericho's able to power out of the Cobra Clutch, but it's still not time for a bona fide comeback. Rollins has an answer for everything... until he goes up top, and Jericho catches him, and turns it into a backdrop off the top rope. Jericho follows up with a crossbody for a near fall, and now the comeback/End Game is on.

Jericho with the running bulldog, but Rollins avoids the Lionsault. Rollins lands the TurnbuckleBomb, but whiffs on the Curb Stomp. Jericho goes for the Walls, but Rollins flips through and hits an enzuigiri in one smooth move. Rollins goes for a springboard move, but Jericho catches him in mid-air with a flying Codebreaker. Awesome, and surely that's the end, right? Right?!?

Wrong: SHEEP MASK FREEZE FRAME~!

Lights go out, and when they come back on, the Wyatt Family have Jericho surrounded. Jericho tries to take it to them, but that does not end well. Big ol' 3-on-1 beatdown, ending with a Sister Abigail, and Bray standing over Jericho, telling us all to Follow. The Buzzards.

Your Winner: Chris Jericho, via DQ, in about 15 minutes. But he sure doesn't look like a winner, and that's the point. Since beating Bray at Battleground, Jericho has been the Wyatts' bitch, which is pretty much what you have to do to make the SummerSlam rematch. Match leading up to that finish? It was good, but definitely not boss. It had only just gotten into top gear when it ended, not unlike the Jericho/Bray match. It's odd-but-true that Jericho's best match so far in this run was the one he had against Harper.

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JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

And so, it's come to this, Steph/Brie is our "main event." More replays as Steph makes her way to the ring, and then she opens by assuring us that she's a changed woman. Professionally and personally, nobody looks at her the same way, now, whether its her kids' friends' parents or high power executives. She can't just pretend like this ins't a life-changing experience. And blah blah blah, until Brie finally comes out.

Brie thinks it's ridiculous that Steph is acting like the victim here, and that all her whining and complaining just proves she's an out-of-touch "rich bitch." Like I said: Jerry Springer-esque.

But Steph insists she's sincere, and she'll do whatever it takes to get Brie to drop the charges so she can have a clean slate. Steph's first offer is a raise for Nikki, which Brie accepts as a good start. But it quickly comes down to Brie wanting her job back, or else she'll see Steph in court.

Steph finally agrees, and seems happy... but Brie has a few more demands. She wants a match at SummerSlam. Steph's OK with that. Steph starts brainstorming various ideas for cross-promoting Brie and her co-stars from That Which OO Does Not Acknowledge as Valid Entertainment. But that's not what Brie wants.

And also: the crowd is about 3 steps ahead of them, so Steph's inability to see where this is headed rings a bit false. But finally, Brie drops the "bombshell" and says she wants a match against Steph. Steph resists at first, but after coming to the brink of tears, and declaring her lack of wrestling ability and how she hasn't wrestled in 10 years and she's completely not ready for this, she says, "OK. Yes. [sob] Yes, yes. At SummerSlam [sobbing]...."

And she up and slaps Brie in the face, finishing her thought, "At SummerSlam, I'm gonna make you MY bitch."

On the upside, Steph's inability to see the obvious was a ruse, and she was stringing Brie along, making her think she was getting what she (Brie) wanted, but in reality, Steph wanted to get her hands on Brie, too. And she got the charges dropped at the same time. That's pretty solid. Still, the disconnect between the sheer trashy/cheesy lack of gravitas and the presentation of this sideshow as being main-event-worthy is a bit of a stretch.

Steph celebrates her evil scheme, but does so by turning her back on Brie to do some mocking "YES!" fingers. And a slap is more an insult than injury, so Brie's up to her feet pretty quickly, and tackles Steph, post haste. It's a good ol' fashioned CATFIGHT~! until an entire phalanx of officials runs out, and pull them apart.

We fade to black on Brie and Steph yelling at each other, with every other word being "bitch." So Springer.

And so ends the show. So 10 out of 10 for all the Steph/Bella nonsense being less terrible and much shorter than last week... but minus several million for repeating and AMPLIFYING the primary problem I had last week by presenting it as main-event-worthy.

To be clear, I've got nothing against the basic idea of doing Stephanie vs. Brie, and suspect the match will be entertaining in a schmozzy/guilty-pleasure kind of way, just because it is the McMahon Way to always give 110% in all wrestling matches, no matter how objectively unskilled one might be.

Even if we accept Stephanie as a viable surrogate for Vince (which is debatable, but I'm willing to grant it's the same basic idea), the problem here is that there is nothing even remotely close to Stone Cold Steve Austin balancing it out. Brie Bella is not and has never been a mainstream mega-star and face of the company; she's not even one of the three most over women on the roster. Ergo, the issue between her and Steph isn't really some massive and genuinely important power struggle between an evil boss and the most popular performer in the history of the industry.

The well-being and future direction of the company isn't at stake. It's a catty personal issue, with the added bonus of the word "bitch" being bandied about. Sure, Brie's employment status is ostensibly on the line, but even that's not the same as multiple attempts by Vince to fire Stone Cold, because Austin was the every man who found his one true calling as a wrestler, and without that job, you could believe he'd be nothing. But it's well-established that Brie's married to Daniel Bryan, and should be set for life, barring any sort of fiscal malfeasance.

And also, if I may be kind of a dick, what percentage of the audience are so invested in Brie's continued employment that it's the primary reason to tune in? Yeah, that's what I thought...

So again, it comes back to this existing as a sideshow, predicated more on Stephanie's evil, over the top, cartoon villiany than on the protagonist. And although I have to be intellectually honest and admit the crowd reactions were WAY better this week than last, for my personal tastes, the ultra-serious and hyper-dramatic treatment of a glorified trailer park feud just doesn't work.

Or, to put it back in wrestling terms: there's a reason why Honkytonk Man held the IC Title, and not the WWF Title. And there's a reason why it's still a valid booking tactic to have somebody "Honkytonk" a secondary title, but they've never "honkytonked" the world title. A little wink-wink-nudge-nudge presentation of something unworthy is fine on the undercard. But on top? You kind of need credibility and gravitas.

Or at least, I do. If the crowd reactions keep up, I won't be able to bitch and moan too loudly... but till then, I have my standards, and sort of hope others do, too.

Wait, on second thought: I don't have that kind of faith in humanity. It's now a viable programming strategy to put something utterly awful on TV, and have millions tune in to watch it, all while knowing it's awful, but not being able to look away. How else can one explain the existence of Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashians, or multiple seasons of a show about Amish Douchebags?

If WWE's going Lowest Common Denominator on us, I'll give credit where it's due if it works. But I won't pretend to be part of the problem that's lapping it up.

But I digress. It was less terrible and shorter than last week, but given my standing rule about the last-taste-left-in-my-mouth at the end of a show, I hope you'll forgive my beating of the dead horse. Just turn that show upside down, and do it in reverse, and I bet those last 8 paragraphs suddenly turns into 2, at most. [Just look at how little ranting and raving I did about Rusev/Swagger, even though it, too, is pretty much cheap and juvenile, and something that should only appeal to lunkheads who still view the world through Cold War colored glasses. But hey, it's getting strong responses, and most of all: seemed perfectly in place as a mid-show attraction.]

Opening 35 minutes of the show were tremendous, and there were some solid bits that followed. I even got some chucks off Randy Orton tonight, who's segment with Reigns was probably the third or fourth best thing of the night. Bo Dallas' first loss also contributed his first significant character development, so that's a plus. Ziggler/Miz is really heating up, and Ziggler seemed really strong tonight, while Miz was a master of chickenshittery. And the tag division could get real interesting, with both the Dust Brothers and the New Nation seemingly eyeing the titles (all while Harper/Rowan haven't exactly gone away).

So take a step back (and a deep breath to relax), and I figure tonight's show is worth a C-plus grade. Yeah, C+. Seems about right. Till next week, be well, everybody....

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.