OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
A Whole Lot of Sound and Fury
Signifying Nothing
August 4, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So I saw "Guardians of the Galaxy" this weekend, and was struck by something surprising... no, not that I liked it (granted, I really don't get the comic book genre, so I had no previous exposure to the characters, but I also am not a snob; if you entertain me, you win, and the word of mouth on this one was just off the hook).

I was surprised that this is the first movie with a wrestler that I've paid to see since "The Rundown."

No, "The Other Guys" doesn't count. The Rock was in that for, what?, 7 minutes.

But the Rock's also rather prolific, so that took me aback. It really speaks to (a) the pure, uncut apathy I have towards the B-movies produced by WWE Films, and (b) the poor choices the Rock has made in terms of picking projects.

Well, "poor" if he wants to get my approval. Obviously, they've made him a massively rich man, thanks to the lack of standards possessed by anyone who has ever sat through more than one "Fast and Furious" movie.

So yeah, not since "The Rundown." Surprising, but I think I picked wisely. To this day, I still stop flipping whenever I see "The Rundown" playing on cable (even ifjust till the first commercial break sends me back to flipping), cuz it's just that fun. "Guardians" might enjoy that same honor 3 years from now. I mean, I make that exemption for the new Batmans, and one of these days, one of the Marvel movies will end up earning that same honor. Probably.

Also: it's probably not gonna be another 11 years before I pay to see a wrestler movie. If the Rock really does end up making that "Fall Guy" reboot, I'll probably be his huckleberry. My dad always used to watch the 6pm reruns of that, and at first, I mostly only watched because I'd recently discovered puberty, and "Fall Guy" had Markie Post and The Other Even Hotter One... but I quickly came to enjoy the easy humor and expansive majesty of watching an old Hollywood Stunt Guy using his skills to solve crimes in creatively original ways (often involving carnage that, much like the A-Team, never killed anyone).

But none of that is why you're here. You're here because WWE just crammed about 25 minutes of show into a 3 hour bag, and you couldn't stay focused. So I have to tell you what happened. Here you go:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

"NINE NINETY-NINE," AND OTHER PRESSING MATTERS

And once we're done with introductory fluffery, we're live in Austin, TX, with the entire Authority Entourage (Rollins, Orton, and Kane, in addition to Triple H and Stephanie) are headed towards the ring.

Triple H opens with a pretty unsubtle hard sell of SummerSlam and the WWE Network, saying he's put together the best SummerSlam card of all time, and you can watch it on the Network for just $9.99. Then he starts running down every match scheduled, tagging it with "And you can watch it on the WWE Network, for just $9.99." On the third or fourth time, the crowd sings along with the "nine ninety nine."

HHH gets down to more pressing business, saying that he's also got some big plans for tonight, including a Beat the Clock Challenge between Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Ambrose will face Alberto del Rio, and Rollins will face Rob Van Dam; whoever can win their match faster will name the stip for their match at SummerSlam. ["Nine ninety-nine."]

Steph takes the mic, and says she'll also be taking part in a contract signing later tonight, and hopes that Brie Bella doesn't get out of line. Because if she does, Steph will give her a special preview of what will happen when they fight at SummerSlam. ["Nine ninety-nine."]

Randy Orton decides to take over, reminding us of his brutal beatdown on Roman Reigns, and how there's more of that coming at SummerSlam. But before anyone can get cutesy with another "nine ninety-nine," Reigns' music hits, and he walks through the crowd, and stop at the bottom of the mezzanine level.

He has a mic, and says if Orton's so proud of what he did last week, then he's in trouble. Cuz Reigns took his best shot, and here he is, still standing and ready for more. Both Orton and Reigns seem ready to brawl, right here right now... but HHH tells Orton to cool his jets, and he'll get his at SummerSlam.

But for tonight, it's gonna be Roman Reigns vs. Kane. Correction, the DEMON Kane. And it's gonna be Last Man Standing rules. And it's gonna take place right now.

By which he means, "after these..."

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. KANE CORRECTION: THE DEMON KANE (Last Man Standing)

We return just in time to see the ref ring the bell to kick things off. It's slobberknockery from the get-go, with Reigns getting the early advantage, and scoring the first ref-counts of the match off clotheslines (albeit one was off the second rope, and the other was ring-step-assisted outside the ring). Remember: LMS only ends when a guy stays down for a 10 count.

But while they're outside, Kane reverse things and gets his first count of the night after chucking Reigns into the ring steps. And another by using the ring post. Then, Kane sets up the larger section of the steps in the entrance aisle, planning to use it in some as-yet-undetermined way, as a prop. But Reigns short circuits that plan by throwing Kane into the barricade. Another count.

Kane up at five, Reigns approaches, and HE gets sent into the barricade. But he gets up at six, at which point Kane introduces him to a kendo stick and the smaller section of the ring steps. For the first time, there's some buzz for a ref count, and Reigns only gets up at 8.

Kane tries to toss Reigns into the timekepper's cubicle, but Reigns reverses that. Kane's sprawled all over the place, Reigns is still a bit wobbly, so it's a perfect spot to break for...

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Back, and Kane's once again in control, although mere seconds later, Reigns reverses a whip, and Kane slams into a steel chair that's propped up in the corner. Both men are down, and the ref's double count gets to 7, at which point both me get up, and Reigns immediately gets the better of it.

Reigns gets a 7 count off his leaping apron dropkick thingie, at which point Kane rolls outside, and Reigns follows. And then Reigns whips Kane into those ring steps that Kane set up earlier (remember that? you do now). While Kane's taking an 8 count, Reigns turns his attention to setting up a table.

But Kane recovers and Reigns is still distracted. After a bit of double reverse-y, Reigns goes for a Superman Punch, but Kane grabs him, mid-leap, and chokeslams him through the table. Nice. Reigns just barely gets up at the 9 count, and the crowd's definitely fully invested, now.

Kane seems to be setting up for a Tombstone on a steel chair, but Reigns reverses into a DDT onto said chair, and then follows up with a successful Superman Punch. For some reason, the ref does not count. So Kane gets up to his feet, and eats a Spear. Now the ref decides to count.

And he gets to 10.

Your Winner: Roman Reigns, by knock-out, in about 18 minutes. Pretty good stuff, here; definitely set-piece to set-piece lay-out, but hard-hitting enough to be compelling. Chioda really screwed the pooch at the end, to the point where the announcers had to point out that he was spaced-out, but you can't really dock too many points for him getting lost in the moment and just standing by to wait for Reigns' finish, instead of counting the false finish.

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Hype Package: we get a lengthy video package featuring John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (on the grounds that neither is present at RAW tonight, Brock because his contract allows it, and Cena because he's filming a movie). But Paul Heyman went out of his way to hype Lesnar's half of the pre-taped interview as extremely genuine and compelling, so I didn't just zone out or flip over to a baseball game.

Heyman may have oversold it, but if so, it wasn't by much. Lesnar was truly scary in presenting his absolute love for hurting people, with a calm eloquence backed up by a proven track record of badassery. No shouting, just a matter-of-fact recounting of the many ways he will torture John Cena.

Cena's best bits were the soundbites of his promo from last week, as his inserted sit-down interview basically amounted to him saying Brock was speaking the truth, but in the end, he'll fight the good fight and come out on top. Which is what he said last week, but in a much more convincing fashion. Lesnar was definitely the value-add of this segment.

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BOOMER SOONDOW vs. MARK HENRY

This week, Damien Sandow infuriates the Texas crowd by coming out in Oklahoma Sooner gear, and declaring there will be no hooking of horns in this year's Red River Rivalry, because it'll be BOOMER SOONER BOOMER SOONER BOOMER SOONER.

Then Mark Henry gets a special extended ring introduction to make sure everybody is fully aware that he's a native Texan.

Just in case this message was lost on anyone, the two commence to wrestling in their respective schools' t-shirt. Well, "wrestling" is probably overstating things a bit. The part where Henry marched around the ring with Sandow in WSS position was longer than the preceeding bit.

Your Winner: Mark Henry, via pinfall, in about 30 seconds. Poor Sandow. Poor, poor Sandow.

Backstage: Adam Rose is hanging out with his Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles. And for some reason, they've got the "Occulus Mirror" with them, in which you will see your Evil Mirror Universe Self if you dare look into it.

So Rose decides to look into it. Instead of a Bearded Spock version of himself, he sees himself clean-cut, wearing a suit, and carrying a briefcase. As he snaps back to reality, he sells this as the most terrifying thing ever. and herds his Menagerie out of the room, post haste. Whatever.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO (Beat the Clock)

For the record: yep, Ambrose still has the shoulder taped up. Wrestling ADR (and his cross armbreaker) every other week, and that damned thing will NEVER heal up. What is he doing, trying to beat Bob Orton's record for longest lingering injury?

Early on, Ambrose gains the advantage, and del Rio goes into "time killing" mode, diving out of the ring and letting the clock run. When Ambrose follows, we get the standard cat-and-mouse role reversal, and del Rio takes over around the 3 minute mark.

And around the 4 minute mark, Alberto just starts viciously attacking that left arm and shoulder. Also, anytime there's a mention of the Network, the announcers are apparently obligated to say "nine ninety-nine." I mean, it's a hell of a deal, and I don't know why anyone with enough interest in wrestling to watch RAW isn't signed up for it, already, but there's a fine line between "creating awareness" and "beating a dead horse."

And that line was already crossed in the opening segment, long before Cole & The Gang felt the need to get in on the fun.

Around 6 minutes, del Rio is looking to whip Ambrose -- shoulder-first -- into the ringside barricade, but Ambrose reverses it. Del Rio eats the barricade, and Ambrose gets a brief flurry. Alberto snuffs it out with his Concussor Kick. Alberto still feeling the effects of Ambrose's hope spot, and Ambrose is KO'd, so we cut to....

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Back, and the clock's up to 10 minutes, and del Rio is firmly in control, working a hammerlock on Ambrose's injured arm. Ambrose tries to power out, but ADR puts him down with a single-arm DDT. But when del Rio sets up to splatter Ambrose's head into the ring post, Ambrose moves, and del rio hits hard.

Ambrose fires up. Flying Goat dive. Missile dropkick. Tornado DDT. But Alberto won't stay down, and as the clock passes 13 minutes, Ambrose is getting frustrated. He wastes time selling that notion, so when he goes for the Piece of Mind, del Rio reverses things, and eventually sets Ambrose on the top rope.

And he hits an amazing inverted top rope blockbuster thingie. Awesome. But Ambrose kicks out at 2, then ducks ADR's first charge, and hits a clothesline. He goes for the POM again, and again del Rio counters by hooking the cross armbreaker in (but using the ropes for leverage). He breaks at 4, but still gets a tongue lashing from the ref.

That momentary admonition means that when del Rio goes to pick up Ambrose, Ambrose has had just enough time to come to his senses, and hits a flash Piece of Mind.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in exactly 15:42. Pretty good stuff. I mean, given the BTC stip, it says something that I actually got into it enough where I thought del Rio might actually win at one point. But of course, he didn't. Ambrose does not seem pleased after the match, muttering about how 15 minutes isn't gonna get it done.

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GET THE APP~!~!~! (or don't, either way, it's fine with me)

So apparently, Rusev couldn't wait, and jumpstarted his match (against Sin Cara) during the ad break, and also won it. The lesson here: no, it's not that WWE sucks at time management, it's that it's YOUR fault for missing it, so you should really download the app. Because everybody loves it when their entertainment involves homework.

Whatever, I suppose it might be a valid gambit if anyone gave a shit about Rusev vs. Sin Cara. But they don't. There's a reason why they were willing to put it on the App, where less than 10% of WWE's audience would see it, instead of on TV where the full 4 million person audience would see it. More to the point, there's a reason why less than 10% of the audience bothers with the App. And it's not lack of awareness. It's that, unlike The Network, it provides no utility to most normal people with a rational prioritization of social media, other than the utility that WWE falsely attempts to create in stunts like these.

[Note: yes, WWE claimed 12 million downloads of the app, and I just said RAW has about 4 million viewers. Both numbers are correct, but only I represented my data honestly. WWE knows full well that "12 million" includes a shitton of people who downloaded and deleted the app, even more who downloaded and don't use the app, and even some who downloaded the app more than once. I, myself, downloaded The App four times because I have three devices (one recently upgraded, so I had to download it again on my new phone, and as far as WWE is concerned, the individual downloads count, not how many unique accounts downloaded them), and I assure you: I never use it, other than as my gateway to The Network. The only excuse WWE could provide is that my "4 million" only represents DOMESTIC viewership, so the worldwide usage of The App might be something. Fair play. My counter is that this exhortation-to-get-the-app only really makes sense when applied to LIVE viewers of RAW, which actually ELIMINATES over 25% of the domestic audience, who get the show on 3 hour tape delay on the west coast. Neener neener neener, the statistical adjustment actually makes my point EVEN STRONGER. My "less than 10%" is correct and the only number that really matters, here.]

But since Rusev is already out here, and so is Lana, Lana decides to address the audience with more of her usual schtick. As an added bonus, she sings "Happy Birthday" to President Obama... but does so in Russian, so BOOOOOOOOOO~!

Then Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter finally interrupt for some good old fashioned ethnocentrism, which of course goes over like gangbusters in Texas. Then again, it's Austin, which is pretty much disowned by the rest of Texas, due to it being an almost-blue city in the reddest of red states. So I guess full points... it still strikes me as a pretty backwards and lowest-common-denominator approach, but WWE's clearly tapped into a sense of patriotism that's both more fervent and more universal than I'd have guessed.

[TANGENT: to be clear, I like being an American, and think we're a much better place to live than most, and wouldn't have it any other way. But this kind of blind, fervent "American Pride" really is something that I sort of thought we were moving past as a society, because of the slippery slope it represents when you start to think you're better than everybody else to the extent that you hate other people just for being who they are, instead of for how they behave. The best example I can give is how the KKK tries to justify its existence by saying they don't hate anybody, they're just proud of their whiteness. But we all know that's just code for "racist."

If we were being implored to boo Rusev and Lana in a slightly more subtle way predicated entirely on their evil, than based on ethnicity, that'd be OK. But it sure seems more like WWE is encouraging us to give in to dated, base instincts, and just hate somebody for being different. That is the source of my own personal disinterest, and of my surprise that I'm obviously in the minority. Now, after two lengthy digressions in the same segment -- which would be bad planning on my part, if only I was planning and not typing on the fly -- let's get back to the recap...]

After Zeb hits the "We the People" punchline, Rusev spoils things by ramming the Russian flag into Swagger's gut, and then decisively winning the ensuing brawl. With Swagger written out, Rusev sets his sights on Colter, and backs him into a corner...

But, in a moment of kindness, Lana calls him off... and then rubs it in by doing a sneering/sarcastic "We the People" in Zeb's face. BOOOOOOOOOOO~! again.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. CESARO

And Miz is sitting in on guest commentary, sipping on a cup of tea and, in general, acting like the biggest douche in the world.

Cesaro immediately jump starts things with one of his patented uppercuts, which actually gets a convincing nearfall. It also serves as a means to cut instantly to the mid-match heel beatdown, because Time Compression.

Sure enough, after 2 minutes of Cesaro's offense, we do a a kickass final spot in which Ziggler goes for a cheap schoolboy, but Cesaro just MANFULLY~! hoists him up from the mat into suplex position. Jaw-dropping. But Ziggler worms out the backdoor and hits a flash Zig Zag.

Your WInner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in under 3 minutes. So yeah, that's a bit disappointing. But of COURSE it's not WWE's fault for sucking at time management. It's somehow our fault, right? What homework can I do to get an actual worthwhile match between these two? Let me guess: set aside even more time to watch Tuesday Night's Main Event, after you squandered your time foolishly tonight, right? Ahem.

After the Match: Miz gets in the ring to do some trashtalking, and Ziggler gets fed up and throws a superkick... but Miz flails girlishly in a manner that means he just barely escapes a direct hit to the Moneymaker, and scurries away in indignation.

Backstage: Tom the New Guy from NXT is set to interview Paige about her vicious attack on AJ last Friday. It seems AJ is hurt badly enough that she's not here tonight. So Paige launches into a delightfully smarmy spiel about how she SOOOOOO hopes AJ gets well soon, because she misses her, and can't wait till she comes back. And then she skips away. As I've been saying for a couple weeks (since the time when she owned JBL on guest commentary), I think I really really like Heel Paige.

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GOLDUST & STARDUST vs. RYBAXEL

So after about a month and a half of magnificently freakish skits in the Celestial Lair, the Dust Brothers are finally back in action. Against pretty much the only team they ever wrestled BEFORE the little lay-off. Which was about eleventy times. Thrilling.

Goldust starts, and immediately becomes our Face in Peril. Ryback and Axel cut the ring in half and make the frequent tags for a while. Cody's busting ass to cheerlead on the apron, and gets the hot tag when Goldust ducks under a clothesline by Axel and gets to the corner.

House o' fire by Stardust, then a mini-Pier 4 Brawl, then Stardust hits an Inverted Side Russian on Axel for the win.

Your Winners: the Dust Brothers, via pinfall, in under 3 minutes. Another one too short to be worth much. Just about the only take away is the fact that we learned the name of that finisher: it's called Dark Matter.

Backstage: the DEMON~! Kane walks into the Authority's office, head hanging in shame. He removes his mask, hands it to Steph, and slinks away without saying a word. Correction: Kane. Just Kane.

I don't know if I'll really give a shit about the latest Kane Drama until we see more, but I do know this: anything that stops Vince from ramming "THE DEMON KANE" into our earholes is a welcome development.

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CHRIS JERICHO vs. LUKE HARPER (w/ Rowan) (If Jericho wins, Harper barred from ringside at SummerSlam)

Erick Rowan is here, but no Bray Wyatt. Yet.

Also, as the bell rings, I come to the horrifying realization that the Brie/Steph Contract Signing is now going to be our main event. I thought this would be appropriate, and I doubt Rollins/RVD will get the honors, so.... yeah. Jesus, I've made it clear that I'm down with the match/feud taking place, but only if it's presented as it should be (a Jerry-Springer-caliber sideshow, complete with shitty over-acting that is not actually meant to be taken that seriously, not a historically significant death feud). Now, instead of looking forward to an exciting end to the show that I'm gonna enjoy, I already know the "main event" will be something I, at best, grudgingly endure.

Match is very back-and-forthy in the opening minutes. Then Harper gets a near fall, all of 3 minutes in, after a sit-out powerbomb. Jericho kicks out, and rallies. He's setting up for the Lionsault when Rowan gets up on the apron. Rather than getting distracted, Jericho changes gears and hits the doublejump dropkick on Rowan. Then he cinches in the Walls on Harper.

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame. Lights go out, and when they come back on, Bray Wyatt is at ringside. Jericho has released Harper to keep his eyes on Wyatt. Rowan tries to interfere, but again, Jericho cuts him off at the pass.

But while his back was turned, Wyatt hopped into the ring, and clobbered Jericho from behind. A quick 3-on-1 beatdown, and Bray hits the Sister Abigail. Follow the buzzards.

Your Winner: Chris Jericho, via DQ, in a hair under 5 minutes. So much for my theory about this being main-event-worthy, eh? Maybe WWE predicted my ranting and raving, and wanted to make me look like a jerk for suggesting such nonsense. More ultra-time-compression, and an all-around disappointing affair given my expectations (I still think Jericho's best match in this return was the one he had against Harper, and thought it fair to expect more of the same). Boo.

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DIEGO (w/ Layla, Summer Rae, and El Torito vs. FANDANGO (w/ Hornswoggle)

Do we call him Horndango? He's all dolled up and mincing and prancing every bit as convincingly as Fandango...

About 30 seconds into the match, Hornswoggle tries to interfere, but it backfires, and he collides with Fandango. One Backstabber later, and it's over.

Your Winner: Diego, via pinfall, in under a minute. After the match, Torito extends an olive branch to Hornswoggle, who accepts, and joins in the post-match celebration... until Fandango confronts him for selling out so quickly, and boots him in the head. Deigo comes to the rescue, and Torito finishes things off by hitting the top rope senton on Fandango. Then Layla starts making out with Torito while Summer danced with Hornswoggle. Yep, that all happened.

Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Randy Orton. But it's not exactly and interview. It's more like "Orton stands nearby while Renee shoots it to a video package of Orton's actions last Monday, then we cut back and Orton says about 2 sentences." Which, all things considered, is probably for the best, given Randall's verbal limitations.

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R-TRUTH vs. BO DALLAS

Bo is now on a two match losing streak (he lost again to Truth on Friday, albeit via DQ), and is looking to put an end to that. He has essentially no success for the first minute, then ducks a Lie Detector and turns it into a cheap roll-up, complete with a blatant handful of tights. Well, in Truth's case, jeans.

Your Winner: Bo Dallas, via pinfall, in one minute flat. Jesus, this show must be allergic to wrestling. I'm trained to tolerate the 5-6 minute "TV specials" that, at least, make an effort to be a thing, in and off themselves, and not just a means to an end. But this week, we're setting a new record for under-5-minute throwaway segments.

After the Match: Truth confronted Bo about his cheap win, but Dallas quickly turned the tide and won the brawl. Naturally, he concluded with a Victory Lap. Wheeeee.

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Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: Bray Wyatt is alone in his Realm of Darkness, addressing the issue of being alone at SummerSlam. But he won't really be alone because "she" is always with him and he can't be alone when he's got the whole world in his hands. Instead, he asks Chris Jericho a question: how does he intend to punish that which has already been damned?

It Was Fun Once: so they replay the entire 5 minute Lesnar/Cena package again. This is just all messed up this week. I know wrestling is a perpetual balancing act betweeen delivering entertainment in the now, and stringing us fans along till next week, but for chrissakes, tonight there have been a grand total of TWO segments that have had value, in and of themselves. The rest is stringing-along and filler. And even when it's good stringing-along (like this package was the first time), that's not an invitation to replay it,

It's adding up to a viewing experience that suggests that something good may happen next week (or at SummerSlam), but there's no real reason to watch THIS week. It's just been 3 straight hours of shitty microwave appetizers, and a distressing lack of steak. And while those things are fine in moderation, they also get old fast (which is, I'm assuming, why TGI Friday's isn't going out of business with their all-out-can-eat apps) and are tremendously unhealthy, which is why anyone with a shred of dignity doesn't make a meal out of them.

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ROB VAN DAM vs. SETH ROLLINS (Does Not Happen)

Time to beat is 15:42, considering the fact that the match doesn't start until 10:48 (with a contract signing to follow), my guess is that Rollins will be beating the clock fairly easily, or there will be a sudden AMBROSE ALERT~!, and that we'll have a tough time squeezing a third worthwhile-in-and-of-itself segment out of this.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd just as I finish that paragraph, here's the other shoe dropping. Justin Roberts interrupts just before the ref can ring the bell to say there's been a change of plans. Seth Rollins has a new opponent....

HEATH SLATER vs. SETH ROLLINS (Beat the Clock)

Yes, THAT Heath Slater. Bell rings, and this is really happening. Rollins gives Slater the option to just leave the ring and get counted out. It doesn't seem like the crowd really cares, one way or the other. But Slater still opts to fight the "good fight," to the delight of none.

With Rollins delivering a solid beatdown in the early going, Dean Ambrose appears from out of the crowd (slowly and tauntingly, so at really, this is more an Amble Alert), and starts loitering about ringside. He even grabs the MitB Briefcase. Then he opens it and tears up the contract. Then he takes a beverage from a ringside fan, and pours it into the briefcase.

After each of these incremental distractions, Slater hits a move and gets a near fall. And sho 'nuff, the crowd IS into it, albeit not because of Slater.

Finally, on the fourth such distraction (in which Ambrose got up on the announce table, waving the briefcase, which was leaking soda all over the place), Slater rolled Ambrose up and got the cheap pin.

Your WInner: Heath Slater (yes, THAT Heath Slater), via pinfall, in 5 minutes, so not only did Rollins not Beat the Clock, he also didn't Beat the Slater. Ambrose has the good sense to hightail it outta there (and so does Slater) before Rollins can get revenge. Rollins makes do by regaining possession of his (now moistened) briefcase, and looking rather miffed.

So OK, this doesn't necessarily count as a good wrestling match with value in and of itself, but in terms of stringing-along and Sustainable Episodic TV, I'll give credit where it's due... this was amusing. But when it and the (first-playing of) the Cena/Lesnar package are the only two bits of filler that deserve that praise, we still have a problem.

Next Week: Hulk Hogan's "birthday celebration" will take place on RAW. There had been rumors that he'd actually be on THIS WEEK'S show, and this is going to be part of a storyline that includes HOgan's participation in SummerSlam. The former didn't happen, but the latter is still on the table.

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After-RAW: WWE is doing a special presentation of the first Cena/Lesnar match on the Network, starting at 11:15pm, so go run, don't walk, and get signed up already. Gotta admit, I'm a lot more likely to flick on the Network when the show is over for that than I would be for Booker T and Alex Riley rehashing what I already watched.

CUTE FINISH, BUT THAT'S STILL NOT A MAIN EVENT

Contract signing time. Steph is accompanied by Hunter, while Brie is joined by Nikki. HHH is apparently moderating the deal, in his capacity as a WWE Executive. So he sneaks in another "nine ninety-nine." Oh, wait.... the "nine ninety-nine" was the entire reason for him coming out here, because as soon as he gets it out, he "recuses himself" because of his conflict of interest.

He turns it over to Michael Cole to moderate things.

This amounts to him shooting it to a video package, and then letting Steph and Brie trade catty barbs in extremely phony garbage, including Brie insinuating that Steph had sex with her cellmate (SPRINGER~!), which got less than no reaction from the audience that, this week, apparently has standards.

Brie gets back on track with a simple roll call of all the stars the Authority has screwed over in the last year, each of which gets a nice pop. Whoopsie, the crowd just remembered that she left one out: "SEE EM PUNK." They have to pause while the fans work it out of their system.

Then Brie says she can't wait to get revenge for all of them by beating this entitled, pathetic piece of trash. She signs the contract.

Steph says the little role call of esteemed heroes doesn't impress her, because she's part of the greatest legacy of all time: she's 4th generation McMahon. Then she continues on with more really fake actory BS, closing with "So who's the piece of trash, now?" Steph signs, too.

Then, Steph uses the table to back Brie into a corner. HHH goes over to make sure she stays trapped. Steph hits a Pedigree on Nikki. HHH turns around to taunt Brie, but Brie slaps him. HHH steps back just enough for Brie to escape the corner.

But Steph is ready, and gets the better of a quick catfight, before hitting another Pedigree. We fade to black on Steph mocking the "YES!" finger pistols while HHH looks on, proudly.

And so ends the show. And OK, so that was a clever little final spot. But not for one second is it main event worthy or a valid climax to a show. Well, unless the show it main evented had incredibly little to recommend it, which.... well, in my face, you did it WWE. That really might have been as compelling as anything else on the show!

Ahem.

Seriously, what just happened? Did WWE unearth an old Vince Russo clone who still loves getting all coked up, resulting in this onslaught of rapidfire worthless segments?

To be clear: I love entertainment-heavy shows as much as I do the wrestling-heavy ones, but only when the entertainment is, you know?, entertaining. Same goes for wrestling heavy shows. Just because you ring the bell and have three 20 minute matches doesn't mean I'm gonna love it, even if the matches are the drizzling shits.

Tonight wasn't just light on wrestling; it was light on wrestilng in spots where it was perfectly sane to EXPECT some great wrestling. What Ziggler/Cesaro and Jericho/Harper delivered was just massively underwhelming. And then the entertainment? It was entertaining, in spots, but the weak outweighed the strong, and that made it impossible for the show to gain any traction.

The old "Crash TV" concept of many rapidfire segments was intended to prevent Viewer Fatigue. Throw enough stuff at the wall, and one of them is bound to click, right? Well, that's inherently flawed, because if a viewer finds something he/she likes, it's over and replaced by something that sucks. The goal here must be QUALITY, not variety.

Tonight's episode had plenty of the latter, but was short on the former. But as bad as it was, here's the rub: it didn't undo my belief that SummerSlam is gonna be pretty sweet. It just pissed me off that I just sat through TONIGHT. So somebody somewhere up in Titan Tower probably thinks they did a great job tonight.

No, you didn't. Not even close. Those two goals (building to SummerSlam and making tonight good) are not mutually exclusive. They are, in fact, complimentary enterprises. Doing one actually makes doing the other even easier. You're not picking between the two. You're supposed to be accomplishing both. There's no good reason why you can't. It's not that hard.

I don't want to talk any more about it. A quick consultation with my Inner Pyro, and tonight's show gets a grade of D. The only reason it doesn't do worse is mostly because of any parts where Dean Ambrose (who is making a strong case for being my New Favorite Wrestler) was doing stuff.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.