OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
They're Heee-eeerrre... They're ACTUALLY Here.
August 11, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So right before I sat down to watch RAW, I did a quick glance at my phone, and Yahoo told me Robin Williams had just died (of an apparent suicide).

That'll take the wind out of your sails pretty fast... so instead of trying to pretend like I'm just as clever a party host as ever, I'll just admit that's got me a bit out of sorts. No topical pre-ramble for you.

I'll just cut the crap and put all my wit and energy into the part that you, you know?, actually came here for. Here's how things went down on the final RAW before SummerSlam:

A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN AND HATE, by Dr. Paul Heyman

No time to waste, as we go straight from the little "Then, Now, Forever" dealy and slam cut to the inside of the Probably Not the Rose Garden in Portland, OR. The stage is festooned with red and yellow packages (including one of suspiciously human dimensions), and Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman give them a skunk eye on their way to the ring.

Lesnar is wearing a modified version of his t-shirt, in which "Repeat" is covered up and replaced by "John Cena." And as Heyman begins talking, he says that, at this point, there's no point having him repeat the many ways Brock Lesnar will destroy and befoul John Cena at SummerSlam.

On top of that, his client has asked him not to repeat that litany of atrocities, because if people are too stupid to get it by now, there's no point rehashing. Instead, his client has asked Heyman to address the "Cenation" and "sell them" on SummerSlam.

But if you think that involves painting a picture in which Cena wins, you are dead wrong.

Instead, Heyman reminds fans of what happened at WrestleMania, and how now, we haven't seen the Undertaker for damn near six months. Oh, and if you think that's a fluke, let's flash back to Brock's rookie year, where he got his hands on a guy named Dwayne Johnson, just four months into his career. And when Lesnar was done with Dwayne, WWE fans didn't see Dwayne again for 8 months. Not long after that, Brock Lesnar got his hands on Hulk Hogan, and the same thing happened again.

So honestly, Cenation... you MUST tune into SummerSlam, because afterwards, U Can't See Him anymore. BOOOOOOOO~! But every word he spoke is true, kiddies.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Heyman busts into a purposely "white" rap, which was pretty ficking hilarious, but I'm not gonna play the pause-and-go DVR transciption game. It ended with "And so Sunday, in the West Coast's biggest arena [boooooo! says Portland] / My Client Brock Lesnar will destroy John Cena."

Then Heyman put a tag on it, saying now he and Brock were gonna go get some dinner, by way of suggesting that they won't be around the rest of the night. Trust them at your own risk...

Happy Birthday: some phoned in birthday wishes for Hulk Hogan. The first pair are Flo Rida and Weird Al Yankovic. As per my resolution of a few weeks ago, I will no longer be ashamed of my Weird Al fandom, and proudly admit that I only own albums by one of these two. And no, I don't care what you think about that.

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. RYBAXEL (Handicap Match)

Reigns enters first, then Kane (just plain Kane, unmasked) comes out on the stage and says he is resuming his duties as Director of Operations for the Authority. And so in that capacity, he's here to inform Reigns that his opponent tonight is TWO opponents: Rybaxel.

Standard tag rules will apply for Ryback and Axel. Axel starts, losing one exchange, and cowering back to his corner. But Ryback's in no hurry to tag in, so he pep talks Curtis, and Axel goes back to it. He's Reigns' bitch again, and this time Ryback suggests a tag.

This does little to change the momentum, as Reigns continues to dominate, save for a few distractions by Axel. It's almost like they're turning the heel/face psychology upside down, with those nefarious distractions serving as "hope spots."

After five solid minutes of this, Reigns does a mount-and-punch in the turnbuckle, but only gets up to 5 when Ryback turns it into a desperation powerbomb. Both guys are down, so we break for...

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Back, and Reigns is powering out of a chinlock. He escapes and boots Ryback out of the ring. Axel immediately joins in, and it's a Pier Three brawl on the outside. Ryback's finally able to chuck Reigns into the ring post to regain the apparently advantage.

Then Axel joins in, and they BOTH throw him into the post. The ref decides that's enough, and says if they don't bring it back into the ring, he'll have to end it. Ryback and Axel couldn't care less. They post Reigns again, and the ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Roman Reigns, via disqualification, in about 10 minutes. And just in case you're worried that Reigns won the battle, but lost the war, don't worry. Rybaxel did, indeed, try to continue the assault after the bell, but Reigns came back and dominated them both. The segment didn't end until both guys ate a Superman Punch and a Spear. So Reigns wins the battle AND the war, and surely if he can destroy two guys, he'll be able to beat Orton on Sunday. Or at least, that's the story WWE's telling tonight.

After the Match: Renee Young jumps into the ring to ask Reigns about exactly that. First, he waits out a huge 'ROW MAN" chant, and ad libs a line in which he asks "I dunno Portland, does it look like I'm ready to you?" Of course it does. Then to Renee's question about Orton: "Look I know Orton put a beating on me two weeks ago, but I'm ready for Sunday. And let me ask you something: What do you get when you knock a viper's teeth down its throat?" Renee has no answer. "A worthless, little worm." Believe that.

Backstage: Orton is ranting and raving about the lack of respect around here, and we see that it's Kane he's talking to. And last we saw these two, they were not exactly chums. And Kane seems less than sympathetic to Randall. In fact, Kane seems to relish the chance to tell Randy that "You know, I just talked to the Authority, and we all want to make sure you're prepared for Sunday. So we've got a tune up match for you. Against Sheamus. It's what's best for business." Randy gives us a moment of "You got to be shitting me" before collecting himself and giving a confident, "Fine, bring it on."

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ROB VAN DAM vs. SETH ROLLINS

So this was supposed to be the BTC match last week, before Slater Happened. But Rollins is happy to have a chance to reprove himself. It's also RVD's first match in a month, after an undisclosed injury kept him out of the IC Battle Royale at Battleground.

Van Dam tries to take out his pent up aggression, but his opening flurry lasts all of 30 seconds before Rollins takes over for a couple minutes. RVD with a hope spot, including his leg scissor roll-up and a springboard side kick. But when he goes for his apron-to-barricade legdrop, Rollins avoids it.

RVD's in a heap, Rollins is shaking out a few cobwebs, and so we check out some...

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Back, and Rollins is adhering to Rule 17, Article 31.c: "When returning from an ad break, the heel must be working a chinlock." But as is increasingly a corresponding sub-rule, the babyface doesn't have to put up with that happy crappy for much more than 30 seconds before kicking things into gear.

RVD rallies, and even gets a near fall off a split-legged moonsault. But when he goes for the rolling monkeyflip out of the corner, Rollins stays tight in the corner, and Van Dam lands hard. Rollins just steps back and hits a flash Curb Stomp. Done and done.

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via pinfall, in maybe 8 minutes (4 before the break, 3 during the break in which USA Network promotes its new Thursday night programming block of Shows Targeting the Undersexed Middle Aged Housewife and No Other Discernable Demographic, and then 1 minute after). So yeah, that math doesn't exactly work out to a great display of grapplingsmanship if almost half of it is commercials.

After the Match: Rollins heads up the ramp, victorious, but suddenly spots that same man-sized gift box I mentioned earlier. He sort of checks it out, circles it, but then decides, "Nah, I'm being crazy," before resuming his celebration. But guess what?

AMBROSE ALBERT~!

His first instinct (and mine) was right, and Dean Ambrose tears out of the box and starts pummeling away on Rollins. They head towards the ring, where Rollins is able to duck under the ropes and scurry away. Ambrose lets him, and instead grabs a mic to say, "There's no running away on Sunday, Seth. I'm gonna make sure these people and myself all get more than nine-ninety-nine's worth out of your ass."

So OK, that match wasn't anything special, but it WAS a fun little tag. Or maybe I'm just saying that because I sort knew something was fishy in Denmark as soon as I saw that one box...

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SPRINGER... SO SPRINGER.

Stephanie McMahon hits the ring, and we're told she has a special revelation for Brie. After replaying most of last week's "main event," we finally get down to it.

Steph says it's her goal as an executive to deal with everyone honestly, fans and superstars alike. And she's just happened to come into some information that she feels we all MUST hear, even if it's painful. She points out that Daniel Bryan's physical therapist is sitting in the front row....

Oh, boy. Did somebody say "Jerry Springer"? Oh wait, I did. Multiple times. Starting three weeks ago. I hereby accept all your apologies. She hasn't even said a word yet, but we all know what's coming, and you all owe me, big time. EAT IT~!

Steph says she knows "Megan" has something she wants to say, and calls her into the ring. Megan hems and haws and tries to say she never wanted it to come to this, and maybe she'll just go sit back down and pretend it never happened and blah blah blah, three minutes later she says she's been having an affair with Daniel Bryan.

Here comes Brie. She gets right up in "Megan's" face, giving her the ol' Larry David staredown, all while Steph narrates a scenario in which Daniel grew tired of his "dead fish" of a wife, and ended all of his therapy sessions shouting "YES! YES! YES!" if you take her drift. Brie does, so she gives Megan a quick little bitchslap before turning around and tackling Steph.

Super quick catfight, which Brie wins. She's about to cinch in the YES! Lock, but then officials swarm. Finlay and Jamie Noble drag Brie away, while Steph finds a mic and says "Forget SummerSlam, we're doing this TONIGHT." Wow, really? If so, WWE, you may accept MY apology. You came around and realized this was a guilty pleasure side show, and not anything of cosmic gravitas...

Note, I said "If so." Ahem.

Happy Birthday: it's the NFL Edition of Hogan birthday wishes, including Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and AJ Hawk.

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JACK SWAGGER (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. CESARO

Swagger's sporting a new "arm-bra" t-shirt that I think is supposed to make you think of putting your hand over your heart. But for some reason, my mind went immediately to "arm-bra." Don't judge me!

Unlike the very good match these two had a couple weeks back, the announcers are going out of their way to play up the past here, as the two were tag partners before Cesaro became a Heyman Guy. As Cesaro wins the early exchanges and settles in for the heel beatdown sequence (focusing on Swagger's pre-injured ribs), the crowd actually gets way into it with "WE THE PEOPLE" and "YOU ESS AYE" chants.

The rib-based assault builds up to OO's second least favorite "submission" hold, the Abominable Stretch. But I guess it makes sense in this context. Swagger escapes. Hits a quick belly-to-belly for a near fall. But Cesaro snuffs out the hope spot by picking Swagger up in Vertacle Suplex position, but then dropping him ribs-first across the top rope.

Then a boot to the head, for good measure, and Swagger's out on the floor, while Cesaro gives us a shit-eating grin. In other words, time for...

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Back, and Cesaro's still in control. In fact, after about a minute, he cinches in the Abominable Stretch again... and again, Swagger powers out, and this time his rally lasts a bit longer. But when Swagger hits the Swagger Bomb, he injures his own ribs, and he can't really follow-up.

Cesaro smells blood, now, tearing at the tape on Swagger's ribs. Then a second rope senton right onto Swagger's ribs for his first convincing near fall. Swagger gets another hope spot by blocking Cesaro's deadlift superplex, but Cesaro ends that by doing his Elevation Uppercut right into Swagger's gut. Near fall.

Cesaro goes for his Double Gut Stomp, but Swagger picks the ankle... Cesaro scurries like mad for the immediate rope break, and flattens Swagger with a boot to the head. Just about fed up with this, Swagger heads up top to finish things.... but Swagger side steps the apparent attempted flying uppercut, and grabs Cesaro's ankle as he crashes face-first into the mat.

This time, he gets the Patriot Act tightly locked, and Cesaro has to tap out.

Your Winner: Jack Swagger, via submission, in 12 minutes. Very good match, maybe even a notch better than their last one, even if these matches aren't doing much for Cesaro at this point...

After the Match: Zeb Colter does a quick spiel , in which he somehow manages to utter the phrase "DePortlandia" to suck up to the live crowd. But before he can implore us to "We the People," The Russian Flag comes down from the rafters, and Rusev's music hits. Rusev and Lana hit the stage and wave another Russian flag in their general direction. Swagger and Zeb wave the stars and stripes back at them. FLAG MATCH, CAN YOU FEEL IT~?~!~?

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Earlier Today: Michael Cole conducted a sit-down interview with Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt. Or did he?

They throw it to the footage, and Cole gets about 3 words in edge-wise, before Bray excuses him. Cole leaves, and Bray begins a monologue

Bray does some psychoanalysis, suggesting that Jericho became the "savior" he did because his dad was a huge star, and Jericho was just trying to find the niche where he could get people to love HIM as much as they loved his dad (his dad was, in fact, a successful NHL player, if you were not aware).

And so Chris has spent years and years trying to make friends, and he still feels empty inside. And Bray believes that's because you can't really help these people. You cannot save a single person. He's figured out this secret: the only way to help people is to hurt them, and teach them that life is pain.

Bray doesn't like that fact, but he knows it's true. He hates the world and he hates all the people in it. But he's honest about what it is, and what he is. And what he is is the man who ends Chris Jericho's misguided attempts at saving us.

Jericho responds with a much simpler thesis: Bray may think he knows the mind of Chris Jericho, but at most, he's figured out one part of it. But there's a lot more to Y2J than Bray can ever know, and at SummerSlam, all those facets will combine. And Jericho won't just follow the buzzards. He will FIND them, and shove them down Wyatt's throat. And he'll be the first man to leave Wyatt speechless, as a result.

Jericho flips off his lapel mic, and leaves. Bray just chuckles.

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AJ LEE vs. THE ONE FROM THAT SHOW (Non-Title)

Paige apparently takes TOFTS as seriously as OO does, and skips around the ring about 15 seconds after the bell rings. AJ actually gets distracted by this, allowing the Neon Haired Reality Show Trainwreck to steal a roll-up win.

Your WInner: The One From That Show, via pinfall, in 30 seconds. But then she evaporates so AJ can act annoyed, and Paige can cut a promo. Well, more of a poem: "Roses are red, wood chips are beige / I'm so sorry you fell off the stage" and a few more lines of "frenemy" inspired I-like-you-but-I-also-want-your-title verse. I continue to enjoy Heel Paige.

Poets Who Don't Even Know It: it's almost like Paige did that on purpose, cuz Cole & The Gang use it as an excuse to replay Heyman's Rap. What a helpful lass! Well, either helpful, or WWE did a really shitty job coordinating between segment producers, and Cole saved them by admiting it was a convenient segue.

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Tomorrow Night: well, it sounds like figuring out the tag division will have to wait another 24 hours. The Usos have issued an open challenge for a title match on the Network's "main event," and we can only assume this will impact tag title plans for SummerSlam.

REBUTALL, MR. DUKAKIS?

John Cena -- decked out in a new red and yellow t-shirt, either because it's his near gear, or because it's special for Hulk's birthday -- is here to rebut Heyman's previous comments, and we're still all under the impression that Lesnar and Heyman are out enjoying dinner somewhere.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Cena." High pitched squeals of joy, and otherwise: boos. Then Cena repeats the bodily threats against him, and says that might be true. But the one thing Brock won't do on Sunday is win. Cena will not lose.

Oh sure, he admits that some day his time will come, and he'll be beaten for the WWE Title. But he's just saying that that day is not gonna be Sunday, because John Cena does not like Brock Lesnar. He doesn't respect him, either. Brock's "selfish" and "idiotic" attitudes towards this business make him an undeserving champion.

So the solution is simple: Cena won't let him become champion. Whatever price he might pay, he promises Brock will not win.

His plan? Well, he knows there a lot of different people who think a lot of different things about him. Cheers. Boos. Let's Go Cena. Cena Sucks. He's heard it all. But one thing he's heard most of all is "But John, when are you finally gonna turn?"

Well, tune in Sunday, because to defeat the Beast, we're all going to see a side of John Cena he's not proud of, that we might not even recognize. If you've been begging to see the dark side of John Cena, that day is less than a week away.

Earlier, Heyman said this was now "Brock's House." Cena declares that as of right now, there's a stranger in the house, and if Lesnar's any kind of a man, he'll come out and do something about it. But true to their word, Lesnar and Heyman must still be dining.

So after a very strong promo, Cena is stuck to close with his standard overly phony instense shouting that ends with "The Champ is Here." I'll let it slide. The rest was really good and on point.

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Happy Birthday: more wellwishes for Hulk. Larry King and Florida-Georgia Line, this time.

BRIE BELLA vs. STEPHANIE MCMAHON (Does Not Happen)

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddd I knew it. Stephanie comes out in civilian gear, and says that we'll have to wait till Sunday, afterall. Maybe longer. Maybe never. Because, you see, "Megan" is not a WWE superstar, and "Megan" is pressing charges because of what happened earlier.

Then, two cops arrive, and we get the whole long, ridiculous spectacle of mirandizing and everything. Needless to say, WWE, I revoke my apology. You've just made things even stupider and more ridiculous than they already were.

Way to double-down on the sort of crapola that makes me ashamed to admit I'm a wrestling fan in public.

Steph narrates Brie's apprehension, and once Brie's gone, she closes with a smarmy "I really, really hope you make bail, so I can humiliate you myself at SummerSlam." Whee.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. HEATH SLATER

And sure enough, Miz is here to do what Miz does best: act like a phenomenal twatwaffle on guest commentary. Making it even more-twatty, he does it while standing up on the table, so we can all revel in his asstastic fahsion sense, which no includes loafers and no socks.

After his big one-match winning streak, Slater's right back to his comfort zone as a cocky (unjustly-so) heel. Dolph's game is making the other guy look like a million bucks, so he actual does sell a bit for Slater, but it's still not hard for Miz to be the focal point here, while Slater goes through the motions of a midmatch heel beatdown.

And as soon as Ziggler makes his comeback and hits the Zig Zag, Miz leaves the table and get up on the ring apron. Ziggler attacks, and takes the fight to Miz, who just keeps trying to escape, but Ziggler keeps following. And the ref? Well, he just kept on counting to 10.

Your Winner: Heath Slater (yes, THAT Heath Slater), via count-out, in 5 minutes. Ziggler heads back to the ring, not sure what to think of this. The fans are chanting "Slater, Slater," though, so he decides to play nice. He offers a handshake... but Slater tries to kick him in the gut. Ziggler blocks it, and delivers a nother Zig Zag. No more Mr. Nice Guy. A bit shy of joining the other strong wrestling matches, but much like Slater last week, a tasty little piece of entertainment and storytelling, with Miz being great at being awful, and Slater stealing another win.

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SHEAMUS vs. RANDY ORTON (Non-TItle)

Sheamus hasn't been seen on TV since Battleground, but he's still the US Champ. Not that that matters here.

Bell rings, and it's straight to rapidfire fisticuffs. Advantage: Sheamus. Sheamus is looking none the worse for wear, dominating Orton, including flying 3/4s of the way across the ring with a top rope knee drop. It all leads up to Sheamus setting up the Ten of Clubs, but Orton spazzes out and escapes, and decides to take a stroll outside the ring.

You know what time it is....

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Back, and guess what? Randy Orton's working a chinlock. He's just following orders. We're told the tale of how Sheamus followed Orton outside during the break, and Orton turned things around by tossing Sheamus into the timekeeper cubicle.

When Sheamus escapes the dreaded Chinlock o' Doom, Orton goes back to that bag of tricks, by taking the fight outside, and suplexing Sheamus onto the announce table. Then, back into the ring. And back to the chinlock.

Sheamus powers out and both men stay down after a suplex by Sheamus. THen Sheamus is first to his feet after the reset, and the comeback is on. Two count after an Irish Hammer, but then Orton dives out of the ring again. Sheamus follows again, and this time, it's another cat-and-mouse role reversal, in which Orton sets up for the Hanging DDT when Sheamus follows him back into the ring.

But Sheamus was ready for it, and counters it into the 10 of Clubs. Rolling Senton follow-up, and it's our first convincing near fall. Irish Curse backbreaker countered into Orton's wrap-around backbreaker. Sheamus tries to roll outisde, but Orton stops him and turns it into the Hangman DDT.

Then, Orton takes a ton of time taunting the crowd and then "coiling," allowing Sheamus plenty of time to recover and clubber away on Orton. Sheamus felt disrespected by that, so he imitates Orton's "coiling" as he calls for the Brogue Kick.

Orton sidesteps, and there's a bit of triple reversey that ends with Sheamus going up to for a flying shoulderblock.... only to have pluck him out of mid-air with an RKO.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Pretty basic stuff, but as all tonight's matches did, it sure seemed like they put enough into so that by the end, it felt like things were really rocking and rolling. I'll never complain about that, not compared to last week's nonstop parade of pointless under-5-minute matches that basically dared you to find a reason to care about the finish.

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HULK HOGAN BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

The entire roster is standing out on the stage, and Mean Gene Okerlund is in the middle of the ring to introduce the Birthday Boy... "Real American" hits, and here comes the Hulkster, to a huge ovation. Oh, and there's Jimmy Hart, too.

Once Hogan soaks in the cheers from all four sides of the ring, Gene brings him to the center, and presents a special video on the Tron. A few photos of Hulk as a kid, then clips starting with his first heel run in the WWWF, through the Hogan Era, to WCW and the Hollywood Hogan heel turn, and finally his WWE homecoming, all set to "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan. Very nice.

Gene turns it over to Hulk, who seems genuinely touched, and he eschews usual catchphrase, and says "I don't know what to say, I'm speechless Mean Gene." And Gene says, "Hulkster, that's not gonna cut it. You gotta do better."

So Hogan puffs out his chest, and says, "Yeah, well..... then LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING MEAN GENE." And he goes on a spiel about how this was his greatest birthday ever, and even that stinky mean ol' Vince McMahon gave him a present. He gave the Hulkster a card, with a little cash inside. You know how much? NINE-NINETY-NINE~! So the Hulkster's gonna make sure his WWE Network is all paid up so he can see SummerSlam.

After giving Vince a more serious thanks, he also thanks the rest of the superstars for making today so special and all the fans who've made his 61 years so far so amazing. And here's to many more.

Then, as it seems like Gene's gonna wrap it up. "Theme From 2001" hits, and here's Ric Flair. He gets in the ring and hugs Hogan. Then some unfamiliar music hits, and it's "Mr. #1derful" Paul Orndorff, who appears to be having a blast as he does his old schtick of imitating Hogan's act on his way to the ring (albeit with that giant moustache, the effect isn't quite the same as it used to be). But it's also all in good fun.

We're in Oregon, so I think we all know Roddy Piper's a lock to show up. And here he is. And finally, the NWO theme hits, and Scott Hall and Kevin Nash come out for an Outsiders reunion.

And in fact, Hall gets the honors of speaking first. "Hey yo." He thinks Hogan looks "sweet" in the red & yellow... but he thinks it'd be "too sweet" if he rocked the black and white one more time. So he takes a little survey, and sure enough, Hogan's got an nWo t-shirt on under his Hulk one, to the joy of all.

Kevin Nash follows up by doing a lounge act version of "Happy Birthday," but just before he can sing the final line...

Yep, there's Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. The roster parts like the Red Sea, wanting no part of this. And now, the immortal question: which of these fossils can take an F-5 without being hospitalized?

It looks like Hogan doesn't want any of his buddies to suffer, so he steps up, nose-to-nose, with Brock. Heyman: "So whatchya gonna do?" Then Lesnar: "Party's over, old man." But just before things get physical, John Cena rides in on his white horse to put an end to the drama. Boo! I wanted carnage! But then again, I'm also a jerk. [And realistically, those live fans in Portland are gonna get a 25 minute post-show special celebration, and you can't do that with one or more old men in traction.]

Predictably, Heyman immediately pulls Lesnar back, and says if we want to see it, we'll have to pay for it, and we fade to black on the Cena/Lesnar staredown.

And so ends the show... oh, and if you're wondering, they promised the full post-show celebration on The Network, and I was a big enough sucker to tune in. It wasn't a 25 minute spectacle. It was more like 7. Mean Gene said there was a cake....

Which resulted in Slater Gator bringing a tiny little pie-sized cake out, arguing the whole way over who'd present it to Hogan. Halfway down the ramp, the cake went into Slater's face (accidentally, winkwink).

Then the real cake came out, and it was nice and big, and also featured those age candle. But instead of 6-1, the candles were 9-9-9. Nice. Hogan blows out the candles, Cena says they've had fun honoring him, but now the stage is his. So the ring cleared, and Hogan did a quick posedown to end the post-show sneak peek.

Well, that was a letdown. That's also what I get for breaking my own rule about letting WWE convince me the "second screen" might matter, when they still have so much trouble making the first screen work.

But I also won't hold it against them. Without a single iota of physicality (and barely any actual attendance), Cena and Lesnar have sold me on their SummerSlam match. OK, Heyman did a lot of the heavy lifting, but those two hit all the right notes without ever once hitting each other. Not unimpressive.

Also, while this was a RAW devoid of anything particular special or memorable, it was light years better than last week, for one simple reason: while they were focusing their energies on selling us on SummerSlam, they remembered that tonight needed to be good on its own merits, too. We got four fully-formed two-segment matches (as opposed to one, last week), and that's all you needed to create the sensation that what happened in those matches mattered, and that the journey they took us on was worthwhile in and of itself.

As opposed to punting matches -- as they did for extremely promising Jericho/Harper and Ziggler/Cesaro matches last Monday -- by bringing them in uder 5 minutes, and all but admitting, "We dont' care if you're having fun tonight, so long as you pay your NINE NINETY-NINE for SummerSlam."

Tonight's approach was much less antagonistic towards the audience, and as a result, I'm a much happier and more pleasant pundit as I take a look back on the show. Four good matches (one of them bordering on great), the headliners from Sunday busting out excellent promos, plus fun bits like the best AMBROSE ALERT~! yet and the Miz/Ziggler/Slater segment, and all of a sudden, you have the rock solid framework of a show that can easily prop up a bit of harmless fluffery as the "main event."

Nothing here you're gonna ever go back and rewatch, but very little to complain about. This is what Sustainable Episodic TV looks like, my friends, so let's go ahead an award this RAW a grade of B.

I'll see you again Friday (well, make that Saturday) for SmackDown (unless WWE totally phones it in, and I can get away with directing you to the SD discussion on the Forums)... and then, for the benefit of those without $9.99 to their name (and those who just can't get enough of what a handsome and devastatingly clever internet semistar I am), I'll have the full SummerSlam write-up for you shortly after 11pm on Sunday, too.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.