OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Starring John Cena as Brock Lesnar
August 25, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

A shameful admission: I actually downloaded that new "WWE Supercard" app, and have wound up playing it WAY more than I should, even though it's retardedly simple and partially frustrating.

And yet, I've reached the "Super Rare" level with something like 600 matches played, because there's a certain addictive element.

Specifically, they dangle just enough high powered characters so that you never entirely lose faith. And then, once you've got a good character, you (well, I) end up playing 100 games in a single sitting, because of an obsessive need to max-out said character.

Which I have. A few times. And I don't know why I bother. The game play isn't even really that fun. It could be, if they just tweaked the scoring system to be at least a LITTLE more complex. As it stands, you get characters with ratings in four categories... but only 1 (and rarely, 2) categories count in your actual matches. So I'm sitting there, thinking I'm being artful in how I'm building my deck in terms of having complimentary characters who meld into a synergistic tag team, or deploying my characters strategically, assuming the game would reward those who can do the quickest mental algebra in order to get the best results given certain categories being weighted more than others.

But nope. No weighting. Just a single category counts in matches, which is so lame, and removes all cleverness from playing, and reduces everything down to one number versus another number, such that I have no competitive advantage over a 3rd grader. Which I guess is great if you're depending on 3rd graders for the majority of your audience, but not so great if you want the game to resonate with those capable of strategizing at a level that requires quick-thinking and having passed 9th-grade math. With a simple tweak, it'd be so much more fun.

And don't get me started on the diva situation. You always have to play one diva in every match, but they make up such a tiny percentage of the overall available characters that I have yet to get a really good one. Which means I'm punting that match-up almost every time. Worse: The Neon-Haired "Reality" TV Trainwreck is not only the most common draw, but she's got insanely high stats for somebody who possesses very few actual in-ring skills. They could tweak that by just including old school divas (they already include tons of male legends) to make them more common to draw, and less offensive to the senses. I would proudly play my Trish or Molly or Lita; as it stands, I shamefully have to play my Eva Marie because she's got way higher stats than AJ (who is the other maxed-out diva in my collection).

Yet, with those gripes, I've had a good 5 or 6 marathon sessions with the game, and a surprisingly competitive deck. If you, too, find yourself perversely drawn to the game despite its many frustrating flaws, and run into an opponent calling himself "The Rick," well, then that's truth in advertising, because it really is me.

Enjoy getting your ass kicked. Unless you're one of the lucky bastards who drew a good diva card, in which case, you're already up 1 in the best-of-three-falls.

And if you're not drawn to the game, well, good for you. You're a better man (or woman) for it. So let's put down the phone, and get on with the business at hand. Here's what happened on thejust completed RAW:

CENA SUCKS - 2
LET'S GO CENA - 1

We are not wasting any time. No opening video package, no theme music/pyro, just slam cut to the inside of No Longer The Pond of Anaheim, where it's oddly Jerry Lawler who welcomes us to the show and promises a great night.

That's because Michael Cole is up in the ring, where he announces that he's quarterbacking a very special Hall of Fame Panel Discussion, on the topic of what Brock Lesnar did to John Cena and what we might expect in the now-confirmed rematch at Night of Champions.

Hulk Hogan, then Ric Flair, and finally Shawn Michaels all come on down to the ring and take a seat at a modified announce table. And if you're like OO, your spidey sense starts tingling whenever there's a table where none is really necessary. Ahem.

Cole opens with the question, Can John Cena regain the WWE Title from Brock Lesnar? Michaels gives a short and simple, "No," and gets a rubber stamp from Flair. Michaels expands on that, suggesting that it might even be time to consider retirement, which draws plenty of cheers from the jerkfaces in the crowd.

Hogan immediately disagrees with that last bit, while Flair also thinks Michaels went a bit too far: Flair thinks Cena's got plenty left to give, he just doesn't think Cena has a chance in hell of beating Lesnar. Cole asks Hogan to put the retirement talk aside and just tell us who he thinks will win. Hogan takes us back to May 2012, when Cena beat Lesnar at Extreme Rules, and says that for as one-sided as SummerSlam was, we've all seen Cena get the better of Lesnar, so he thinks Cena can do it again.

Both Michaels and Flair are all "C'mon, Hulk, you can't possibly really believe that, you're just spouting the party line." But Hogan insists he really believes because Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect isn't a marketing ploy, it really is what John Cena's all about. And Hogan belief Cena can win isn't a marketing ploy, either. It's what Hulk really believes.

Michaels and Flair again fall all over each other to mock Hogan, but are cut off by John Cena's music. Cena hits the ring and grabs a mic. He puts all three guys over, emphasizing that Michaels was a great "professional partner" (they had some great matches) and putting Flair over as the most fun "recreational partner" a guy could ever have (whoooooo!), while he has no personal connection to Hogan, but says he would not have become John Cena if there hadn't first been a Hulk Hogan.

But then he turns his attention to HBK and says SummerSlam was a one-sided beatdown, and it was the kind of experience that changes a man, so Michaels has to know that it won't be the same John Cena at Night of Champions. And therefore, it won't be the same result.

You can practically see the patronizing "Oh, that's adorable" oozing out of HBK's every pore, and Cena registers it, saying that's fine if Michaels wants to see it before he believes it. It's fine if Flair has the same doubts. And he thanks Hogan for his support. But no matter what ANYbody thinks, all that matters is he's not going to Night of Champions to beat Brock Lesnar.

He's going to Night of Champions to beat Brock Lesnar's ass.

End scene.

Gotta say, it's not like the three legends did anything particularly memorable or entertaining... but I think it was vital that they were props here, to give Cena an outlet for his "changed man" thesis and his punchline. Without them, Cena does that promo in his obnoxious phoney shouty voice that only works on the 12-and-under crowd. But here, he got to respond directly and realistically to specific doubts. Big points for this being a dialogue instead of one of Cena's loud and fakey monologues.

I mean, I still would get a kick out of it if Lesnar just repeated SummerSlam on Cena, but now I can definitely buy into Cena as putting up substantially more of a fight.

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JACK SWAGGER vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

No Zeb, once again. No prematch schtick from Lana. Just get both guys to the ring, and ring the bell. Swagger, still ultra-motivated to get out of his rut and "not disappoint America" (the narrative that JBL rammed down our throats last week is apparently now the accepted story), gets off to a hot start, and even manages to briefly get an ankle lock.

But Rusev breaks it and ducks out of the ring to regroup. Swagger follows, slams Rusev's head into the announce table, and then takes it back up into the ring, where he continues with basic punchy-kicky until Rusev counters a charge by hoisting Swagger up, and dropping him ribs-first across the top rope.

Yep, still with the ribs. One savate kick to said ribs, and Swagger tumbles out to the floor. And we break for....

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Back, and Rusev is still focused on the ribs, using OO's second-least-favorite "submission" hold: the dreaded bearhug. Swagger tries to fire up out of that, but Rusev just kicks him in the gut again, and we're back to where we started. Rusev resumes the beatdown, but then gets a little cocky and poses and taunts.

When he turns back to Swagger, Swagger's actually ready and waiting with a big overhead belly-to-belly. Swagger rallies, and goes for the Swagger Bomb... Rusev tries to block it by getting a foot up, but Swagger adjusts in mid-air, and instead takes the ankle offered.

Ankle lock cinched this time, and Rusev is on the verge of tapping... but he finally does get a rope break, and then pulls himself to the outside. Swagger's moment of frustration is all Rusev needed to recover, because when Swagger follows, Rusev just tackles him and drives him back, ribs-first, into the apron.

Rusev tosses Swagger back into the ring and follows up with plenty more kicks to the ribs. Then clubbering overhand blows to the ribs. When Swagger tries to get all gutsy and defiant with a "that all you got" moment, Rusev just cuts him off, mid-"We The People," with another gut kick. Jerk. More kicks. Then non-stop stomps. And suddenly, Lana's all smiles and giggles, and it seems like the ref is actually considering calling the match.

On multiple occasions, the ref shoves Rusev back to check on Swagger. And then, on the third or fourth time, the ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Rusev, via ref stoppage, in about 8 minutes. Pretty much told the same story as their SummerSlam match, with Swagger never giving up and the ref having to stop it for him. But without quite as much action/crowd heat/drama. Not bad, by any means, but it's a story we've already been told once, and as a result, it felt like it was a bit flat.

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Backstage: Jack Swagger is getting checked out by the trainer when in walks Bo Dallas. He says Swagger disappointed the entire nation again, but he can turn it around if he just.... BOlieves. He gives the international sign for "Think About It," and leaves. Swagger doesn't seem nearly as annoyed as I would have been... maybe this is going "tag team" instead of "death feud?"

ROB VAN DAM vs. CESARO (#1 Contender Match)

US Champ Sheamus is sitting in on guest commentary, to get a first-hand look at his next challenger. He professes no preference between the two, calling RVD a friend and saying it'd be fun to fight him since they've never done so, whereas he's done battle with Cesaro plenty of times and "it's like fighting myself," which is fun in its own right, since himself is certainly a Formidable Opponent. Sheamus is apparently a Colbert fan.

Cesaro almost immediately takes control, and seems to have a little extra tauntiness going tonight. After every other move, he has a little smile or wink for Sheamus, suggesting he's looking past RVD.

And sure enough, RVD gets his little hope spot when Cesaro's looking Sheamus' way. Split-legged moonsault, and he sets up for the Five Star, but Cesaro rolls out of the ring. RVD goes out to corral him, but instead, he gets clotheslined over the top rope. Then a Neutralizer, and stick a fork in RVD, he's done. Huh. That was rather, ummm.... succinct.

Your Winner, and new #1 Contender to the US Title: Cesaro, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Well, RVD's just seemed a step or two off and wholly underwhelming for most of this current run, so I guess there's no point getting massively upset about a short and disappointing match here. Instead, let's just get fired up over the fact that Cesaro and Sheamus are gonna get a chance to cut loose on a PPV stage, and it should be fairly awesome.

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PAIGE vs. NATALYA (Non-Title)

Nattie's got two wins over Paige in the last week (one via pinfall, one via submission, but both with help from AJ), and apparently the story -- per Cole -- is that if Nattie can get a third win, she might be in line for a title shot. Ummmm, I'd figure just one would do that trick, and it's more the interference from AJ that's supplying the mitigating factor.

Nattie goes for the quick pinfal with a flash roll-up, but it only gets a 2. And also, it angers Paige, who responds with a stiff-ass forearm to the face. Then a little chain wrestling exchange (working off OO's LEAST favorite "submission" hold, the abominable stretch). Then a little punchy-kicky back and forth, and then Nattie gets the Sharpshooter.

Paige gets the rope break. When Natalya tries to reapply the hold, Paige tries to counter into the PTO, Nattie re-counters, and gets the Sharpshooter half-cinched before Paige turns it into, uhhhhhh, well, the Paige Turner.

Your Winner: Paige, via pinfall, in 3 minutes flat. No real build or throughline, psychology-wise. Just spot-spot-spot to get to the finish. Oh well.

After the Match: Paige tries to celebrate, but is cut off when AJ's music hits, and she skips to the ring. Paige retreats to what she thinks is the safety of the ring... and instead, Nattie hits her with a hooking clothesline. Perhaps Nattie's not as entirely written-out as I presumed based on that perfunctory match?

Nattie departs, and AJ hops in the ring to check on her "frenemy." But tonight, the emphasis is more on the "friend" part of the equation, even if it's faux friendship. AJ gets a mic and says that she knows Paige is so totally sincere about wanting to be friends, so AJ wants her to know that she's EXACTLY as sincere.

Paige's face goes white (well, whiter), as she assumes this means AJ is not even remotely sincere, and is about to kick her (Paige's) ass. But instead, AJ reaches out, wraps her arms around Paige slowly, and then hugs her. Very harmlessly and sincerely. Paige is still very uncomfortable.

Then AJ pullls away, but not before taking Paige's hand and kissing it. Very slowly, and about as sexily as you'll see on TV-PG. Somehow, AJ's just very good at exuding flamboyant filthiness. Needless to say, some portion of the audience may be latching onto the vague lesbian undertones, but Paige is just creeped out as AJ smiles, waves goodbye, and skips away.

I'll say this, if part of the story requires girl-on-girl overtones, at least having AJ as the instigator is the right way to do it. The wrestling audience can always be counted on to cheer for the HLA, so Paige doing it was taking us down the same road as the entirely mismanaged Trish/Mickie feud from 2006 (in which Mickie, the heel, won the Women's Title by finger-raping Trish, and getting cheered for it).

I'm not saying the story DOES require it (it's really pretty cheesy), but if they're gonna do it, then this makes more sense than the other way around.

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FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

Korporate Kane, wearing his finest dark suit, is in the ring, which is decked out in black stuff, recalling the old Funeral Parlor featuring his dad and half-brother. Apparently, this is the Eulogy for Dean Ambrose.

Kane welcomes us to the somber affair, and then introduces the man responsible for this solemn event: Seth Rollins.

Rollins hits the ring, and prefaces his comments by shooting it up to the Tron for a video reminder of how he destroyed Ambrose last Monday. Then, he says that Dean Ambrose was a great competitor, a little raw, a little rough around the edges, but he had certain admirable qualities. And that's why Rollins chose him to be a part of the Shield.

But when the time came for Rollins to evolve, Ambrose couldn't accept his (Rollins') superiority, and instead turned it into a personal matter. So Rollins did what he had to do, and now, there are only two words people are ever gonna think of when they think of Ambrose: "What if?"

Ambrose could have had a great career, Ambrose could have fulfilled his potential, but he made an enemy out of Seth Rollins, and now, nobody will ever know, because we have seen the last of Dean Ambrose. THE LAST~!

Well, till October, anyway, Seth. Ahem.

But in the meantime, there's someone else that Rollins has forgotten about, and he's kinda pissed about what Rollins did: here's Roman Reigns. He makes his standard entrance through the crowd, and plows through Kane when Kane intercepts him at ringside.

Then, into the ring, where Reigns quickly gains the upperhand in a brawl... but as he's lining up for a Superman Punch, Kane manages to reach up and drag Rollins out of the ring. The two retreat, while Reigns is left entirely unsyatisfied. [/teddykgb]

Well, they spent all of Friday setting us up for Reigns vs. Orton II, but now signs point to Reigns vs. Rollins. I know which I'd prefer, but I'm not sure what to make of the mixed signals. This is just as confounding as Big Show and Mark Henry being presented as the new dominant tag team in WWE in Hour One last week, only to have Henry presented as a singles American Hero in Hour Three.

Backstage: Goldust and Stardust are in the Celestial Lair, and are fired up because tonight is the night when the stars align, and they become the tag team champions. At which point no one will ever forget the name of..... inhale nipple-rub snort-chomp "Goooolll".... chomp-hiss "Sssssssssstardust." And apparently, that's coming up next. By which we mean, after these....

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THE USOS vs. GOLDUST & STARDUST (Tag Title Match)

Full entrances for both teams, and then boxing-style intros (of note, all of a sudden, the preferred nomenclature for the Dust Brothers is "Gold and Stardust," which is a bit awkward; if you're gonna pretend "Dust" is their last name, I like the way we've been doing it).

Picking up where we left off last Monday, the crowd is pretty quiet, presumably a bit confused as to who to cheer for (or, more to the point, if they're supposed to boo one of these popular teams). Very, VERY brief opening segment -- literally 45 seconds or so -- ends with the Dusts hitting stereo cannonball dives off the apron to the floor. With the Usos down, we already have to break for...

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Back, and Stardust is working over an Uso. Goldust gets in on the action, and after a few tags back and forth, it seems like this is our "heel" beatdown. But after a spot where both guys go for a cross body block, and both go down.

Ricky Uso is able to make the tag to Robert Uso. Actually, it's Jey who tags in, and goes through his usual flurry against Stardust... it builds up to a big ol' over-the-top-rope dive, which hits. But Jey lands awkwardly on his knee, and has trouble getting to his feet.

Meantime, the ref is counting, and Stardust is able to get back in the ring at 8. Uso is not.

Your Winners: "Gold and Stardust," via count-out, in 6 minutes. Half of that was an ad break, so there's really nothing to latch onto here, match-quality-wise. Instead, the story is that the Dust Boys just got their second win over the Usos, but they're still not the champs.

After the Match: the ring announcer is making the addendum that the Usos still retain the titles when Goldust grabs the mic away and says "Nuh uh, we ain't doing it like that." He proceeds to get very angry and accuses the Usos of getting counted out on purpose. This is clearly not true, and the crowd starts turning on them.

Egged on by Cody, Goldust says they expect a rematch. In fact, they want it RIGHT NOW. The Usos are all "Uh, no, that's not fair, because knee injury." So Goldust suckerpunches one Uso and Cody takes care of the other one. Then they focused on Jey and his injured knee.

By the time they're finished, they've wrapped Jey's knee around the ringpost a few times, and the crowd finalizes the process of turning on them. More accurately: the Dust Brothers complete the process of turning heel.

Well, that'll take care of the issue of fans being confused who to cheer for. But it's also another case of WWE seeming to change gears in mid-stride (like Reigns vs. Orton or Rollins, or Henry as tag team or Rusev feud), after Goldust and Stardust got their asses handed to them by the Wyatts on Friday.

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Backstage: Seth Rollins is seething, and venting at Kane. Something needs to be done about Roman Reigns. They need to do to him what they did to Ambrose. And Kane -- apparently he's in charge, as there's been no sign of HHH/Steph -- realizes he can make that happen. Kane books Reigns vs. Rollins and Kane in a handicap match for later tonight.

Now You've Made Him Angry: we get a new pretaped sit-down interview with Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman), interspersed with cliips that illlustrate his point. Obviously, nowhere near as impactful as if delivered live and in-person, but also easily on par with his past one of these (the "blood, urine, and vomit" one), if not better.

Lesnar reflects on SummerSlam, and has no remorse. He feels he gave Cena plenty of chances to just quit and walk away, but "then his Never Give Up bullshit kicks in, and let's just say it didn't do him any favors." Lesnar says he feels he was inflicting the exactly appropriate amount of pain, and Cena brought it on himself. Heyman chimes in that the only reason Cena still lives and breathes is because Lesnar decided to show mercy and allowed the match to end.

Lesnar then begins pondering where Cena got this attitude. "Did your daddy sit on the end of your bed when you were 12 years old and fill your ears with garbage about how, some day, you might run into a man who is dead set on knocking you down, but if you just get back up and fight the good fight, you will win in the end?" Heyman chimes in again that he's a big fan of Cena, thinks he's a hell of an athlete and fighter, but he's making a big mistake by continuing to pursue Lesnar.

Lesnar tags it: "Look, John. This time, you're not gonna get back up. It's over. It's been the one thing you prided yourself on for 12 years. Then Brock Lesnar shows up. And now, Night of Champions is
gonna be your last night in this universe. Game over. It almost brings a tear to my eye." Lesnar said that last line clearly nowhere near the brink of tears. More like amused and looking forward to the carnage.

Pitch perfect punchline.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. DAMIEN MIZDOW

Well, Dolph hits the ring for a match. But then Miz comes out on the stage, in street clothes. He says he spent the day at Disneyland, where one of the perks of being a huge movie star is that he didn't have to stand in line.

Another perk: having a stunt double. Yep, you guessed it: a man who Miz respects for his incredible commitment to all his roles, Damien Mizdow. He's resplendent in the sunglasses and douche mumu that Miz has been wearing lately.

And once the bell rings, he's nominally mimicking Miz's moveset. While Miz sits in on commentary and enjoys the homage, Sandow builds up to a Figure Four. Ziggler escapes and hits a flash Zig Zag.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. As always, Sandow provides some quality yucks, but has nothing to show for it. After the match, even Miz can't be bothered to feel sorry for him, instead bragging that the REAL winner here is the fans, because the Moneymaker was never in harm's way.

Oh, and also: Poor Sandow. Poor, poor Sandow. Can't go a week without saying it.

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JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY MORE SPRINGER...

Jerry Lawler's in the ring, and apparently wants to play peacemaker for a Bella Reconciliation. In other words, Jerry Lawler wants to invite you to flip away. Might I suggest the Yankees/Royals game on ESPN (current score 6-1, in favor of the Yankees, which is doubly exciting for me, since I was able to pick up Michael "pine tar" Pineda in several of my fantasy leagues where I was in need of late season pitching reinforcements)?

We get a video recrap [sic] of the story so far, and Lawler knows it's a longshot, but he still hopes he can broker a peace. Nikki enters first, and makes a big show of moving her chair off to one side because who cares. Then Brie enters, and Nikki makes a snide remark about how she can't even get her own entrance music.

Brie says she doesn't care, Nikki can have it. And in fact, she'll do whatever she has to in order to patch things up, she doesn't care, she'll forgive and forget, she just wants her sister back. And for the second week in a row, Nikki basically says "Don't hold your breath." Except much more long-winded and Springer-y.

I may have fought the urge to flip away in order to serve YOU the Home Viewer with the basic outline of this dumpster fire. But I'm not about to provide any more transcribe-y details than that.

The nonsense goes on for a good five minutes of "You're a terrible sister"/"I just want us to be friends again" until Lawler tries to step in and calm Nikki down. Instead, the only real crowd reaction of the segment so far comes when Nikki calls him "old man" and slaps him. That's right, in this incredibly compelling and riveting Brie vs. Nikki feud, the only chant of the segment is "JERRY JERRY JERRY."

At this point, they're just flat-out trolling us, right? Weeks and weeks of Springer-caliber garbage, that we were only to happy to call them on, and now, they go out of their way to make sure there's a "JERRY" chant by inserting Lawler where his participation made no sense. That can't be an accident.

Anyway, after that, Nikki hits an oh-so-reasonable and believable punchline, "I don't have a sister, and I wish you'd died in the womb." Oy. Then Nikki tackled Brie and rained down blows until Lawler and refs could pull them apart.

Gravitas, thy name is Pretty Much the Opposite of This.

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS & KANE (Handicap Match)

Looks like the bad guys are gonna play nice, and adhere to one-guy-at-a-time/must-make-tags rules. It also doesn't look like Reigns particularly cares, since he quickly demolishes Kane and chucks him out of the ring, only to hiptoss Rollins into the ring to fight him.

Then he basically repeats the process by destroying Rollins, tossing him out of the ring, and then going after Kane. Running apron dropkick thingie for Kane. Then an apron-assisted back suplex for Rollins. Then back to Kane, inside the ring.

After a quick exchange where Kane is able to counter a Superman Punch by grabbing Reigns for a chokeslam, only to have Reigns shove Kane off and catch him with the Spear, Reigns goes for a pin. Rollins breaks it up by clobbering Reigns with the MitB Briefcase.

Your Winner: Roman Reigns, via disqualification, in all of 2 and a half minutes. Yeah, so I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened.

After the Match: Rollins and Kane continued the assault, clearly unconcerned about the match outcome, because this was all about giving Reigns the Ambrose Treatment. As such, the beatdown leads to Kane revealing another stack of cinder blocks.

But when Rollins jumps off the table, trying for a Curb Stomp, Reigns catches him with an uppercut, instead. Fists o' fury, and Rollins is reeling. Superman Punch for Kane, then Reigns has a notion: he grabs one of the cinder blocks, and stalks towards Rollins. Rollins backs up into a ring post. Reigns throws the block at him.

Rollins ducks, and the cinder block explodes as it hits the post. Rollins scurries away, while -- for the second time tonight -- Reigns is left in the ring, with the moral victory, but still not entirely satisfied.

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: Bray Wyatt and his brothers in arms are lurking in the dark, and Bray wants to talk about his match against John Cena later tonight. Because the way Bray sees it, Cena's nothing but a wounded animal, after SummerSlam. And it hurts Bray's heart to see him suffering. So tonight, Bray will do the only compassionate thing: he will finish the job, and put Cena out of his misery.

You know what? That was pretty much Bray's most simple, to-the-point, and unambiguous promo to date. And it EXACTLY hit the spot. Well played.

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Friday on SmackDown: So Big Show and Mark Henry are suddenly gonna be a team again, facing Harper and Rowan. My brain hurts.

LOS MATADORES (w/ El Torito) vs. SLATER GATOR

Conspicuously absent: Hornswoggle, who's been making the rounds as a second "mascot" for the Matadores (in a cow outfit, for some reason). It sounded like as reasonably amusing a way to keep him on TV now that "Leprechaun" is about to be released. Oh well...

Slater and Titus are still not entirely on the same page, with Slater enthusiastically embracing the team, but Titus being vaguely embarassed by being associated with a good like Heath. This is illustrated before the match, with a pretaped inset promo with the two, and then re-emphasized during the match when O'Neil only grudgingly lets Slater tag into the match during the standard heel beatdown.

And when he does, Slater immediately gets pinned on a crucifix roll-up. So much for his winning streak.

Your Winners: Los Matadores, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. So the trend of TV matches with no actual redeeming bell-to-bell qualities continues. Not that I expected anything else from these four, but man, the sheer bludgeoning pointless of the actual matches really starts to grate and annoy. As I said a few weeks ago during a similar display, WWE does it because they think many rapidfire segments makes it harder for fans to get bored by any one segment... and to some extent, there's value to that. But when that's your ONLY gear for three hours, the actual result isn't preventing against boredom, it's training fans to not give a shit about ANY segment, even if it's a marquee gimmick match (like the handicap match) or a tag title match.

Lowering fans expectations for each discrete segment is not a valid way to keep them "satisfied" at the end of the night. There IS an equitable balance between stringing fans along for the big event and giving them something entertaining in and of itself. This is not it. For the third or fourth time in the past few weeks, this is not even CLOSE to it.

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KOFI KINGSTON vs. "THE INSPIRATIONAL" BO DALLAS

Kofi gets about 3 offensive moves in, then tries to go up top. Bo catches him, and shoves Kofi off and hits a Bo-Dog.

Your Winner: Bo Dallas, via pinfall, in an estimated 37 seconds. I assure you I left nothing out. I'll not be offended if you fail to be impressed.

After the Match: Bo says that, unlike Jack Swagger, Kofi didn't just let down an entire nation. He let himself down. And then, speak of the devil, here's Swagger, attacking Bo and laying him out with a suplex. So "death feud" it is, afterall.

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Next Monday: Chris Jericho will be on-hand, and hosting The Highlight Reel. His guest, Randy Orton. Which makes me realize: this night has been Orton-free, in addition to HHH-and-Steph-free. Sadly, I can't take any great joy in this, because it's also been largely quality-wrestling-free.

JOHN CENA vs. BRAY WYATT (w/ Harper and Rowan)

Bell rings, and Cena goes Berzerker on Bray, drawing boos from the crowd. Underscoring his "changed man" claims, he destroys Wyatt, eventually included several released German suplexes (straight out of Lesnar's playbook).

Cena even starts taunting Wyatt, telling him to just stay down, because there's plenty more where that came from. Even more suplexes follow, of varying type (fisherman, belly-to-back). The story is clear: this is a retelling of Lesnar vs. Cena at SummerSlam. But with Cena in the roll of Lesnar.

You'd think Harper and/or Rowan would have something to say about this... and after five full minutes of the one-sided beatdown, they do.

Your Winner: John Cena, via disqualification, in 5 minutes. Wow, even if WWE had already lowered your expectations to rock bottom, you could still have been reasonable disappointed by that. I mean, I actually like the idea of "changed man" Cena and flipping him into the Lesnar role. It's a very solid move in terms of creating intrigue for the rematch.

But it loses a lot of its effect if you don't follow through with it and cut it off mid-stride, instead. D'oh. (And yes, I say that as a huge fan of Bray. We do not need to sacrifice him entirely for the cause. But you can still make it a bit more epic and noteworthy in length by having Cena -- either due to stip, or just due to ref lenience -- fight off all three for a bit before some cataclysmic thing requires the DQ. This just felt, well, cheap. And that leads to feelings of pointlessness that could have easily been avoided. Not particularly strong feelings, but feelings nonetheless.)

After the Match: just as I was starting to wonder if they could really milk a post-match brawl for 10 minutes, here's Big Show and Mark Henry to the rescue. Remember, they're a tag team again, and Henry vs. Rusev never happened!

So as Cole loses his shit because of the utter chaos, we are subject to our final....

[ads]

JOHN CENA/BIG SHOW/MARK HENRY vs. BRAY WYATT/LUKE HARPER/ERICK ROWAN

It's suddenly a six-man? SHOCKING~! NOBODY EVER COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING!!!!!!! Except everybody.

So yeah, we return, and the inevitable has broken out. Show is working over Rowan, popping the crowd with big ol' SSHHHHHHHHHH! Chops. But after Henry tags in, Rowan gets a moment of separation, Harper tags in, and the beatdown is on.

The second most impressive display during the beatdown is Rowan scooping Henry up for a bodyslam. Wow. The MOST impressive? A mighty "SEXUAL CHOCOLATE" chant. Way to be, Anaheim. If WWE hasn't given you a whole lot to cheer for tonight, you make your own fun.

Henry is able to make a tag back to Show, but it's only a decoy (not the actual hot tag), as Harper and Rowan go right back to dominating. It's so effective that Bray is finally willing to tag in... but he spends too much time paintbrushing and badmouthing Show. Show is able to hoist him up for a chokeslam, and then make the hot tag to Cena.

Corresponding move to Harper, who almost instantly gets cinched into the SSTF.

Your Winners: John Cena, Big Show, and Mark Henry, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes of action after the commercial break. Nothing especially thrilling in the second "half" of the main event; pretty standard tag formula. But the over-arching story is that Cena really is "changed." In the 5 minutes of the singles match and then his 30 seconds of participation in the tag match, he was on defense for about 12 seconds. Every bit the domination we saw out of Lesnar, which is just what the doctor ordered.

After the Match: Rowan tried to attack. So he got an F-U. Harper dared to try getting back to his feet. So he got an F-U. And Bray Wyatt figured "screw this noise" and tried to get away, but Show and Henry went and fetched and brought him back to the ring. Where he got an F-U, too.

Cena's domination continues even after the bell, a fact hammered home by Cole & The Gang as Cena "celebrates" in a decidedly uncelebratory and more-intense-than-usual fashion, as we fade to black.

And so ends the show. Everything related to Cena/Lesnar was actually pretty good. If nothing else, effective. It's not like the main event was anything special, but it accomplished the goal of driving home your reason for wanting to see the rematch when the first match was so one-sided.

That said, it's not exactly a ringing endorsement when I say that the single BEST segment ont he show may well have been the pretaped Lesnar package. That might be because it was a pretaped segment, so I sort of assumed it wouldn't bring much to the table. Then it did. Which made it the only segment on the show to exceed expecations.

Much like Friday's SD, there was just an overriding sense that no matches really existed to be entertaining or worthwhile on their own merits, they just served as a pretext for some bit of storyline advancement. Which (again, to be crystal clear) is fine by me, but only when properly balanced with content that makes it worth my while to watch TONIGHT instead of convincing me to watch on some upcoming Sunday.

Also, a lot of filler that invited flipping and wishing-for-my-FF-button. Is it just me, or is the in-show advertising for The Network getting to be a bit much. By federal regulations, you're only allowed to include 18 minutes of commercials per hour of TV. But tonight, WWE was easily adding another 4 or 5 per hour, by showing ads for The Network during what was, ostensibly, the actual content of the show. I'm sure this is all legal, via some technicality, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. Especially on an episode as lacking in truly meaty material as this one was.

But I digress. Cena/Lesnar really did get a nice boost, and I appreciate that. And the Dust Brothers' heel turn was a nicely executed (and probably necessary) twist. If I really thought we were getting Reigns vs. Rollins at Night of Champions, I'd commend that, too; but I'm assuming we're still on track for Reigns/Orton in a rematch, and tonight was just another sort of meandering diversion resulting from WWE's apparent "making it up as they go along" philosophy (as seen in the tag division, with Henry's wildly varying agenda, and so forth).

But nothing else stands out as good, or even memorable. This was a total Taco Bell of a night: it's not really tasty at all, you sort of feel bad for consuming it, but at least it runs right through you really fast and it's a fleeting memory almost as soon as your finish your last bite.

Despite the fact that a large chunk of the show was spent effectively servicing an upcoming PPV main event, I have a hard time going any higher than D-plus for tonight's grade.

FYI: I've been keeping up with Pyro over the past month, and he's thinking about staging his triumphant return this Friday for SmackDown. It's not set in stone, but you'll definitely want to check back for that. If that's how it goes down, you can look forward to a Rick-free week, and you won't have to put up with me again until next Monday night...
MAKE A NOTE ABOUT THE ADDITIONAL ADS FOR THE NETWORK, which seemed to account for 4-5 minutes per hour, on top of the legally permissable 18 minutes per hour; is that allowed?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

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RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.