OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Ambrose and Cena, BFFs?
October 22, 2013

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Ahhhh, finally... new South Park starts up again on Wednesday. As far as I'm concerned, that's grounds for a celebration.

Partly because we already know what the first episode will be (mocking asshats who don't understand why it really is time for the Washington Football Team to join us in the 21st Century)... but mostly just because those jerkfaces had to go and get all busy and successful outside of South Park, so now we only get about 8 new episodes per year (it used to be 8 new episodes every 6 months).

Damn you, damn you straight to hell Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I'm sure Book of Morman was just dandy, but unless you're working on BASEketball II, I really want to get back to the old, pre-2011 levels of new South Park.

Well, either that, or have the decency to give up, so that South Park starts to not be any good, and then I won't care as much if it fades off into obscurity. You know, sort of like the 2014 editions of the Reds and Yankees.

Oh, the disappointment. The next time I talk to you, you realize I'll be done paying attention to baseball for the year, don't you? That's pretty major... And you know what? Once it'd over, it'll probably be better for my psyche. Since the all-star break, I've been like a battered wife, sticking by my man. Well, men.

And they both did nothing but hurt me.

On the upside, it's gonna be, like, 20 hours a week that I suddenly get back. 30 minutes of that is spoken for by new South Park (look how I brought it all back around!), but what to do with the rest of it?

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, here's what you came for: the events that transpired on tonight's RAW...

Last Night: Stuff Happened. But OO does not recap recaps.

WELL, LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING, "MEAN" DEAN...

No additional preliminaries, and we slam cut to the inside of Whateverthearenais in Memphis, TN, where Dean Ambrose is on his way to the ring.

He grabs a mic and declares, "I'm not dead." But he admits that since the last time we've seen him, he hasn't been quite right in the head. He's been feeling a bit loopy. In fact, so loopy that he thinks we should all take a look at what happened the last time he was here.

The monkeys in the trunk comply, and replay the cinder block incident.

Ambrose says that actually makes him feel all warm and tingly, because of how flattering it is that the Authority would go to such lengths to get rid of him. But they failed, and now, he's here, and he's not going anywhere until he gets his hands on Rollins.

He even grabs a steel chair and has a seat...

But then John Cena's music hits, and he comes on down to the ring, grabbing a mic of his own. Ambrose is not impressed, but does Cena the honor of at least standing up and ditching the chair out of the ring. And then he calmly tells Cena, "I gotta be honest, you're not the one I wanted to see in the ring. But you'll do, so you might want to think twice about coming out here. You do NOT want to give me a reason to not like you."

But Cena is not deterred. He says he's got just as much reason to hate that rubber-suit-wearing fruitcake, Seth Rollins, and tonight, HE (Cena) will be the one who takes out Seth Rollins. Ambrose, simply and oh-so-calmly (in contrast to Cena's fakey shouting), says "Dude, I warned you." Ambrose loses his leather jacket, Cena ditches the t-shirt, and it looks like....

Well, it looks like nothing's gonna happen, because all of a sudden Motorhead hits, and the entire Extended Authority -- Triple H, Steph, Rollins, Randy Orton, and Kane -- come out on the stage. HHH chides the two for threatening to "have a tickle fight over something you have no control over." HHH says Seth Rollins isn't wrestling tonight...

So Cena interrupts and says, "OK, well then I'll just come up there and fight him right now." Cena sprints up the ramp. Ambrose doesn't want to be left out, so he follows. Orton and Kane run a bit of interference as Rollins scurries away through the crowd, but both Cena and Ambrose fight them off and follow.

Orton, Kane, HHH, and Steph are left at ringside, looking vaguely annoyed, but otherwise doing nothing constructive.

Cameras cut to backstage, where Rollins is running towards the parking lot, having to fight off Ambrose and Cena at various points, but finally getting into a car and driving away.

The scene ends with Cena and Ambrose giving each other the Skunk Eye of Uneasy Partnership of Convenience.

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Backstage: Orton and Kane are bickering about what just happened, and Triple H and Steph walk up. HHH declares that later tonight Kane will face Ambrose, and Orton will face Cena... Kane wants to know why? Steph intimates that if Kane has any balls, he'd want some revenge for getting punked moments ago. Kane shuts up, but Orton still isn't exactly happy... he says "Hunter, you better tell your boy to stop setting fires that we have to put out."

Belated Welcome: we stop by the commentary table, where Cole & the Gang promise we've got a hell of a show on tap tonight, especially given HHH's announcement of two great main events.

In more important news: holy mother of god, who in the blue hell dressed Michael Cole? Jesus, if he was still playing his assface heel role, that suit would still be way too ridiculous. The fact that he appears to be wearing it unironically is just brain-melting.

MIZ (w/ Damien Sandow) vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER (IC Title Match)

Not only is Mizdow still playing the stunt double, but he's got a duplicate IC Title belt. Hmmmmm, possibilities, possibilities.... meantime, Ziggler's given up on having a stunt double at all. They do full boxing-style ring intros, since the title is on the line, and we're off...

Out of the gate, Miz throws it in the faces of everybody who views him as a fluke champion by flat out-wrestling Ziggler on the opening chain-wrestling exchanges. Ziggler fires up out of a chinlock, but Miz goes for a low dropkick on ZIggler's knee, obviously in anticipation of a possible Figure Four.

Miz has designs on targeting the knee, but Ziggler keeps fighting back... so they end up grappling near the ropes, and Miz snaps off a top-rope-assisted neckbreaker. Nasty. Ziggler's out, Miz is gloating, so we break for....

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Back, and Miz is still in control. In fact, we come back mid-near-fall. Ziggler kicks out of whateverthatwas at 2. Miz follows up with his hooking corner clothesline for another two. Then Miz goes up top... bad idea; he comes off and winds up eat a dropkick to the gut.

Dolph fires up. Clotheslines of his own, Stinger Splash, but whiffs on the Fameasser. Miz goes for the backbreaker/neckbreaker combo, only to have Ziggler counter it into an Implant DDT. Attempted superkick blocked and turned into a Figure Four attempt. Ziggler kicks Miz off, and goes up to the second rope.

Miz catches him and in one motion turns it into a Figure Four. Center of the ring, but Dolph's able to make it to the ropes for a break. Ziggler pulls himself out of the ring, and Miz tries to catch him with a sliding dropkick. Ziggler side steps, Miz lands hard.

Sandow tries to interfere, but Ziggler drops him... however, the distraction served its purpose, and Miz is able to pearl harbor Ziggler. Tosses him back into the ring. Skull Crushing Finale... but it's only a 2.

Miz tries to follow up, but Ziggler counters and gets a Zig Zag. Miz's turn to kick out at 2.

Suddenly, Sandow gets up on the apron, creating another distraction. Just like last night, Ziggler hits him with a superkick, and Miz hits a flash roll-up, complete with a handful of tights...

But Ziggler rolls through into a pinning combination of his own, and also grabs a handful of tights.... one, two, and yep, three. New Champ, same as the old champ.

Your Winner, and NEW InterContinental Champion: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. So much for "possibilities" regarding the double title belts, eh? Not complaining too much, though. By doing the spazzy double-switch on back-to-back nights, we're basically keeping this story going via the Obligatory Rematch Method, rather than the other "possibilities," and really, that's the important thing.

Oh, and the match itself was really good, too.

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JACK SWAGGER vs. "THE INSPIRATIONAL" BO DALLAS

For the third time in a week, these two face off. Bo won both the first two. Despite that, Swagger comes out slow, and Dallas takes control. I guess it's another case of Ultra-Time-Compression, and this is us fast forwarding to the heel beatdown.

Two minutes in, Swagger powers out of a side headlock and starts a rally. Builds up the Swagger Bomb. Only a two. Bo foils the follow-up move, and backs Swagger into a corner for a Turnbuckle Mount-and-Punch... Swagger simply grabs a leg, shoving Dallas off the second rope and turning it into an ankle lock. Bo taps out.

Your Winner: Jack Swagger, via submission, in 3 minutes. Hokay... good for Jack. But he's still losing the series, 1-2. Which means there's more of this on the way (probably every bit as time compressed and forgettable). Zeb makes sure we get that message by taunting Dallas after the match, "Hey, I BOlieve Jack Swagger just made you tap out." The Real Americans leave, victorious, while about 4 members of the audience try to fire up a "You Tapped Out" chant.

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NATALYA (w/ Rosa) vs. SUMMER RAE (w/ Layla)

This is once again based on something that occurred on That Which OO Does Not Acknowledge As Valid Entertainment. Let me summarize the clip for you: Summer acted like a completely unrealistic psycho bitch, then Nattie acted like a completely unrealistic psycho bitch. Which is right up your alley, if you are somehow interested in utterly unrealistic garbage in which people you're meant to care about act like awful pieces of shit.

Then Nattie locked in the Sharpshooter.

Your Winner: Natalya, via submission, in 90 seconds. TWOODNAAVE does Nattie no favors, but I guess winning matches on TV is still, somehow, a step in the right direction. Also, Layla is not on TWOODNAAVE, and the preshow schtick made it seem like she and Summer are going full-on LayCool v2.0, which is also not a terrible thing.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. KORPORATE KANE

Initial story seems to be that Ambrose is powered by pure vengeance and indignation, allowing him to throw flurries at Kane. But Ambrose is also not 100%, yet, so Kane is able to use his size/power to put an end to that happy crappy.

Kane finally seems to settle in for the heel beatdown when Ambrose uses his crazy to hit a flying goat dive, but is slow to follow up, so Kane tosses him into the ring steps, and takes control from there.

Kane goes right to the left shoulder, which was Ambrose's previous lingering injury (and the shoulder that hit the ring steps), and works that over for a few minutes.

Ambrose fires up out of an armbar, hitting a DDT, then his bounce-back clothesline, and a missile dropkick. Ambrose sets up for a Tornado DDT, but Kane reverses into a chokeslam attempt. Ambrose re-reverses into the Dirty Deeds.

But before he can go for the pinfall, Seth Rollins runs in and breaks it up.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via DQ, in 5 minutes. Welp, that wasn't much of a match. Quick start for Ambrose gives way to a mini-heel-beatdown, and then what felt like a Hope Spot turned into Ambrose hitting his finish, then the DQ. Meh.

After the Match: Rollins had designs on using a chair against Ambrose, but Ambrose was able to fend him off, and got in a bunch of shots, sending Rollins out of the ring... but when Ambrose tried to follow, Kane cut him off and hit a chokeslam.

Rollins thought about sneaking in and getting a cheapshot on Ambrose, but Ambrose got up on his knees and grabbed the nearby steel chair. So Rollins and Kane retreated together. Chickenshits gonna chickenshit.

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Backstage: Rollins and Kane are walking, and Rollins is all giddy and "See, see, wow, that was great, right, wasn't it great?" And Kane's all "Yeah, kid, whatever." Then HHH walks up and tells Seth he's gonna have to reign it in, because he's trying everyone's patience by making messes that others have to clean up. Rollins says, "Well, what do you call that, what I just did?" And HHH has to grant that was a bit of taking-responsibility, but..... whoa whoa lookout behind you!

AMBROSE ALERT~! Ambrose tackles Rollins, and starts raining down blows, as HHH calls for security. They eventually show up, along with Stephanie, and they lock Ambrose into a nearby room. HHH orders security to stand guard and not let him out, and Steph -- for the first time I can remember -- drops a "Loose Cannon" on us, in regards to Ambrose.

Takeaway: what Rollins did last night was his own idea, he didn't run out to interfere at HHH's behest (which is about the only way it makes sense). That retroactively makes the finish to NoC even more lame, and makes Seth Rollins an even dumber man for thinking he was gonna accomplish anything, much less a cash in.

But I guess I'll just have to let that go... it was bad, and it was lazy, but I'm beginning to grasp it was WWE legit best-effort at rewriting things without Reigns, with Cena now having to fill the slot left by Roman even though his real #1 agenda item is still Brock Lesnar. Let's all just agree to pretend this is actually an effective way to achieve that goal...

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THE USOS & SHEAMUS vs. THE DUST BROTHERS & CESARO

GOldust and Jey Uso start things off. Goldust is quickly on the defensive, with the Usos trading a few tags and finally forcing Goldust to roll out of the ring. The break allows him to bring in Stardust, who doesn't fare much better, and also has to powder out.

Cesaro tags himself in, seeming rather annoyed by the freaks. He demands that Sheamus tag in so that they can have a proper fight.

Sheamus complies, and the two proceed to beat the crap out of each other for a minute or two, with Cesaro getting the better of it. Goldust tags himself in, however, and squanders the advantage. He has to run back to his corner and tag in Stardust. He once again fails to turn the tide at first...

But then he backs an Uso into the enemy corner, where Cesaro creates a distraction, and Goldust joins in for a double team. Just like that, we've got an Uso in peril, and we also break for...

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Back, and Stardust is working over Ricky Uso... for about 8 seconds, and then Uso dodgges a corner charge and gets the hot tag to Sheamus. Nice rally into a Rolling Senton for a near fall. Then the Ten of Clubs on Stardust... Stardust actually stumbles towards his own corner, and Sheamus follows.

Cesaro blind tags himself in, but Sheamus keeps his focus on Stardust... when he sets up for the slingshot battering ram, Cesaro yanks him out of midair and Sheamus lands hard. Looks like that was only a DECOY hot tag. Works for me.

Cesaro keeps the heat on, snuffing out any hope spot by Sheamus; usually this amounts to Sheamus flailing away with a few punches, then eating a stiff-ass uppercut. Once Cesaro has satisfied his appetite for ultraviolence, we enter a phase of frequent tags by the heels.

Stardust gets a little greedy, and goes for a Super Duper Disaster Kick, but Sheamus blocks it, and finally we get the REAL Hot Tag to Jey Uso. Goldust in on the corresponding move.

But it breaks down into a Pier Sixer... everybody powders out, leaving Jey with Goldust. Attempted Superfly Splash, but Goldust gets the knees up and goes for a cover, just like last night. But this time, Sheamus jumps in to break it up.

Brogue Kick to Stardust when he tries to get involved. Cesaro clotheslines Sheamus out (taking himself out at the same time). Jey with a superkick on Goldust, Jimmy gets the tag. This time the Superfly Splash hits.

Your Winners: The Usos and Sheamus, via pinfall, in 16 minutes. Just flat out fantastic. Great pace, great action, great exciting end game. I have a feeling RAW won't top this the rest of the night.

Backstage: Seth Rollins walks up to Randy Orton... Orton, with his noted lack of social grace, is like "Uhhh, what?" [/butthead] Seth is playing nice-nice, though, and says he gets where Orton's coming from with the whole "lighting fires" thing, and so tonight, he's arranged for Kane and him to accompany Orton to ringside for that match against Cena. And, oh yeah, there's gonna be another surprise out there, too.

Orton's clearly having visions of cinder blocks as he says, "Alright, good. I like surprises." I, on the other hand, am having visions of Dean Ambrose somehow hiding out in the Timekeeper's Cubicle.

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Told You So: the whole "Next Generation" thing did, indeed, end up being nothing but 2K15 footage from the next-gen consoles. *thud*

MARK HENRY GETS ALL WEEPY, BUT THIS TIME, IT'S REAL, DAMMIT!!!

Mark Henry hits the ring, to address the fans after losing to Rusev. JBL is really beating the dead horse of "Mark Henry is a national disappointment." He's about the only one, but Henry does apologize first thing once he grabs a mic.

He says he's not 100% physically, but he admits he let them down, and if they want to boo him, WHAT? him, whatever, he deserves it. The crowd just murmurs, not having the heart to boo.

Enter Rusev and Lana. Now they have the heart to boo.

Lana taunts Henry for losing last night, and basically dares him to fight again tonight. Henry -- remember, he's not 100% -- lets the crowd talk him into it. He accepts the challenge, and that rematch will be coming up next.

By "next," of course we actually mean, After These...

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MARK HENRY vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Bell rings, and Rusev goes right for the ribs and lower back. One minute into the match, and Henry's having trouble even standing upright.

Once Henry finally falls to the mat, Rusev cinches in a sort of head-and-arm-lock. Sure, that has nothing to do with the lower back, but it looks a LOT more snug and painful than the goddamned bearhug-with-daylight that has been his go-to.

Henry tries to fire up out of it, manages to get to his feet, and then eats a standing dropkick. Impressive. And then, right back to the submission hold.

Henry fires up again, and actually gets on a tear... clothesline, avalanche, and he even hits a bodyslam. But Rusev rolls outside, thinking he'll be safe.

Not so much. Henry follows, and throws Rusev into the ring step, in an exact copy of the spot last night that injured Henry's back. That thematic point doesn't seem to resonate with the live fans, but Cole & the Gang sure as hell hammer it home for those of us at home.

Then, back in the ring, Henry goes for the Vader Bomb, and whiffs. Rusev steps back, wanting to hit his big front thrust kick, but Henry can't even stand up. So Rusev just goes over and locks in the Camel Clutch. Henry passes out, and the ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Rusev, via ref stoppage, in about 7 or 8 minutes. They basically just retold the same story as last night. And it was a fine story, the first time. But here, in a match that lacked in action both times, the sizzle was also missing the second time. Bleh.

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ADAM ROSE & THE BUNNY (w/ the Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles) vs. SLATER GATOR

New music for Heath Slater and Titus O'Neil.... or at least, if they've used it before, I hadn't noticed. It's a pretty simple mash-up (Titus' beat, Slater's "woos") but it actually works way better than WWE's usual mash-ups.

Rose starts against Titus, and it does not go well. Instant Human in Peril, but the Bunny plays cheerleader on the apron. The distraction finally creates enough separation for Rose to tag in the Bunny. Bunny hits a couple moves on Slater, retags in Rose, and then takes out Titus with a dive to the outside.

Inside, Rose hits the Party Foul, and it's over.

Your Winners: Adam Rose and The Bunny, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Made me smile. Your mileage may vary, but I'd have a hard time taking you seriously if you got legitimately bothered by something that short and fun. Also: pretty sure that was Sami Zayn once again playing the role of The Bunny, and equally as sure that it oughta be Darren Young when it's finally unmasked, otherwise, I don't really get the point.

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Backstage: a half dozen security guards are still stationed in front of the Door of Ambrose. At least the door isn't magically camera-permeable, like last week.

BELLADRAMA

Nikki Bella is here. Pretend to care.

She gets a mic and says that she knows it's cliche to say it was somebody else's fault that she lost last night. But it's true. She says she made the mistake of listening to Brie's promo last night (oooops, I think I made the mistake of not recapping it because I took a leak), which was "so toxic" that it stuck in Nikki's head and caused her to lose again AJ and Paige.

So dumb. But hey, she's a heel, so I guess she's supposed to say stupid shit that's not true.

Enter Brie, who says her words had nothing to do with Nikki coming up short against AJ and Paige. But they were her honest opinion, and so if Nikki's got a problem, then Brie's gonna do what she should have....

"Nobody cares what you want." Nikki proceeds to say that what SHE wants is exclusive rights to the Bella name. Brie says No way, she has every bit as much claim to the Bella Name as Nikki. [Note: by which, she means "none," since neither of them have any claim to it. WWE owns it, since it's not their real name. So dumb, but again, this is what WWE gets for crossing the streams and doing a "reality" show where certain things are "real" and then trying to make it spill over into a wrestling show where they aren't.]

Nikki makes the requisite trashy and cunty observation about how if Brie really loved her husband, she'd take his name and leave Bella behind her. Brie's all "oh no you di'int." Catfight. Brie goes for the YES! Lock, but Nikki scurries away.

Then AJ's music hits, and apparently that's the end of that pointless nonsense, and something else is gonna happen, now. But not till after these...

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AJ LEE vs. NIKKI BELLA (Non-Title Match)

Paige has come out to sit in on guest commentary, and immediately starts calling AJ a troll, because AJ broke up the friendship by being all evil last night. Paige is now 100% anti-AJ and can't wait to get revenge and take back her Women's Title.

AJ dominates at first, because she can wrestle. But then Nikki takes over, because the basic wrestling formula demands it. In so doing, she gives Paige plenty of chances to give us adorably bitchy taunting of AJ's sad state of affairs. Also, Nikki has some kind of ridiculous new butt-to-butt move that is in no way painful.

But given that WWE has been tragically lacking in butt-to-butt action since the demise of the Funkadactyls, I'll allow it.

Eventually, Nikki's little beatdown builds up to the ADR Cross Armbreaker, just like last night. But AJ fires up out of it. Shortly there after, she dodges a corner charge and cinches in the Black Widow.

Your Winner: AJ, via submission, in about 5 minutes. On the quality of action, you'd probably have to call this 2 minutes of action in a 5 minute bag. But I'll be damned if Paige wasn't delightfully distracting on commentary, rendering the entire exercise more worthwhile than I'd have guessed. Nikki's an afterthought (now set off on an alternate path to the Parallel E! Network Universe to do whatever with her sister), and AJ/Paige seems as compelling as ever.

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Friday on SmackDown: the Usos are cashing in their obligatory rematch, and will challenge the Dust Brothers for the tag titles. Nice, should be a good one, given how strong it was last night and how they contributed to the best match so far tonight on RAW.

JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON (w/ Seth Rollins and Kane)

OK, WWE, you can't just serve up the 724th Cena/Orton match as the main event and expect me NOT to mention that part of me is pre-bored. So c'mon, surprise me, impress me... you've got enough extra-curricular players, it CAN be done!

For starters, during ring introduction, Cole points out that a "special delivery" was made, and there's an extension to the Timekeeper's Cubicle, now. The implication is that it is, indeed, a pile of cinder blocks underneath.

I already told you what I think. But now that they've made such a big deal out of the human-sized prop, I sorta want to be wrong, because they've made it so that Ambrose wouldn't be so much a surprise as an anvil. And Ambrose ain't no anvil. I hope.

Cena has a new blue t-shirt, playing off the "Keep Calm and [fill in the blank]" motif. Whee. Then again, it might be just a one-time/fan-gift deal, cuz I didn't see some giant WWE logo on it, anywhere.

Pretty basic feeling out to open with lock-ups, headlocks, criss crosses, leap frogs, drop downs, and so forth. Per usual, that's essentially a 50/50 stand-off. It remains so until the heel refuses a clean break and gets in a cheapshot or two.

But that backfires, as it just makes Cena angry. Flurry for Cena lasts for a minute or so until he makes the dreaded Rookie Mistake of dropping his head on an Irish Whip. So Orton kicks him in the head, and settles in for the heel beatdown.

And just like that, things slow down so we can take a break for our final....

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Back, and JESUS CHRIST IT'S A MIRACLE: Orton is in control, but NOT working a chinlock. Still, it's almost as bad: cuz he's not doing anything, he's just sort of loitering. When he finally decides to do something, Cena ducks a clothesline and tackles Orton out of the ring.

But whoops: ringside is Orton's domain. As soon as Cena follows, Orton starts introducing him to the ringside furniture. Builds up to a slam onto the announce table. Orton glances, meaningfully, at the Surprise Box, but doesn't go for it, yet.

Instead, he tries to take it back into the ring... he goes for the Hangman DDT, but Cena counters. They run the ropes, and end up hitting double clotheslines. Both men down, ref applies the double count for the reset.

Bot men up at 7, and Cena seems to win the fistifcuffs, but then Orton snaps off his wraparound backbreaker out of nowhere. First near fall of the match, but it only gets a 2. Orton follows up with the Garvin Stomp, and decides that's worth another cover. Oy. At least Cena's having none of that hot garbage, and just kicks out at one.

Another quick back and forth grapple, and Orton locks in a sleeperhold. Huh, I think that's new for him. Not putting people to sleep, per se, but actually intending to do so with a wrestling hold. ZING~!

Cena powers out of it. Wacky tackle, wacky suplex, and he goes for the Five KNuckle Shuffle, but Orton counters it, in style, by ripping off his short pendulum powerslam. Two count.

Cena comes back and counters Orton's follow up by going for the F-U, but Orton slides out, and clotheslines Cena's neck over the top rope. Orton puts Cena in position for a superplex... both men up top, but Cena headbutts out of it. Orton tumbles back to the mat, Cena sets up for the flying legdrop...

But Orton knocks his leg out, crotching Cena. Instead of resetting for the superplex, Orton just takes the modified Top Rope Hanging DDT. Cena kicks out at 2.

Orton wastes a shitload of time because, hey, he did it 2 or 3 times last night and it still worked out alright. Then Orton "coils," and when he tries to strike, Cena is ready, hits a drop toehold, and cinches in the SSTF.

Just like that Rollins and Kane attack, and the ref calls for the bell.

Your WInner: John Cena, via DQ, in about 14 minutes. Not bad at all. But also nothing we have seen dozens of times in the past. No extracurriculars within the match, they played it straight, leading up to the non-finish. Turns out, I was pretty much right to be pre-bored.

After the Match: they go 3-on-1 against Cena, until he's unconscious. Then Rollins calls for the Mystery Box... Kane goes over, lifts it up... and yep,...

ANVIL ALERT~!

I mean, AMBROSE ALERT~!

Ambrose pops up, takes the fight to Kane. Orton and Rollins come over to lend a hand, and the tide starts to turn. But then Cena comes to and joins in. Together, the two start beating the crap out of the three.

Rollins sees the writing on the wall, and bails. He runs up to the mezzanine level, and watches, helplessly, as Ambrose hits the Dirty Deeds on Kane, and Cena hits an F-U on Orton.

They play Ambrose's music as Ambrose and Cena celebrate on opposite sides of the ring before finally sharing an uneasy bit of eye contact as we fade to black...

And so ends the show. Much like last night, my brain is screaming "C'mon, there had to be a better way." But not nearly as loudly.

Last night, almost anything would have been better and less disappointing than the cheap run-in and incredibly stupid cash-in attempt. But tonight, the overall idea is just dandy, I just sort of have a nagging idea that even a little bit of thought could have made Ambrose's appearance more surprising (and thus, more satisfying and enjoyable).

I mean, c'mon: actually drag a huge man-sized box out to the ring with no attempt at deception? That's kind of cheap.

But I get it, now... that finish last night, this whole show tonight, NONE of that was down on paper on Saturday morning, I guarantee it. Everything that seemed lazy and crappy is the result of Roman Reigns being unavailable, and the need to recast Cena in Reigns' role.

It's the only reason why you send Rollins out there to cross paths with Cena last night. And it's the only reason why you have Cena make no mention of Lesnar (which is also a huge omission) tonight. It's easy to sit back and notice the problems, but presumably, all these things that seemed like swings and misses were the result of a discombobulated writing crew (and probably Spazzy Vince making it even more difficult to think clearly and come up with a sensible gameplan).

And I'll never forgive a "creative" team if that's honestly their best effort (if that's the case, they're genuinely unqualified), but I also won't crucify them if they're handcuffed by Vince making outrageous and possibly contradictory demands.

So with that said, let's give tonight's RAW credit for what it did right: a pair of really good matches (especially the six-man), some impressive forward momentum for existing stories that seemed to be waning (the IC, tag, and women's title pictures), and an awkward-but-necessary reprioritization of Cena as Reigns (instead of keeping him focused on Lesnar, and interacting with Heyman).

Over time, hopefully they'll be able to sort things out in order to build to Lesnar/Cena (in a Cell) and Authority/Ambrose in some iteration (getting a third guy in on this may be required, so it's Rollins/Orton vs. Ambrose/???; it doesn't even have to be a sensible partner, because Ambrose will always work best as someone who doesn't trust anyone). I suppose WWE might try to get clever and keep the stories blended, and do a Four- or Five-way Cell Match, but I sure hope not.

That'd be a desperation move that actually does a disservice to Rollins and Ambrose, who need to tend to their business as something PERSONAL, not something about the title. That's just a disconnect, storywise.

But I digress... considering the high percentage of entertaining content tonight, and taking into account the extenuating circumstances the necessitated some of the oddball twists, I think I feel OK handing out a B-plus grade for tonight.

See you in seven, kids... yep, SEVEN. Pyro will be back this weekend for SmackDown, so you'll be back in his capable hands. Later on...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.