OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Happy Columbus Day?
October 13, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

OK, OO Nation... anyone out there know of anything good to do in Dallas? My brother just got his first house (after years of renting), so I'm heading out to check it out this week (with my mom, too).

I've been given the chance to request my own activities -- beyond the local yokally ones like the county fair and watching cows paraded through the streets at a beef auction -- but I have literally no ideas. I once spent a weekend in Austin, but that's the extent of my Texas knowledge.

I feel pretty confident that the food choices are shaping up to be awesome, but I'd like to bring something cool to the table -- activity-wise -- to make it look like I did my homework.

Any ideas? Be my homework, people! Drop me some email knowledge.

In return, I shall cease rambling, and get onto the business of telling you what just happened on RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

DEAN AMBROSE IS READY TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE

Dean Ambrose hits the ring to open the show. It's not exactly the most eye-opening of monologues... it's more just Ambrose musing, out loud, about what's gonna happen at Hell in a Cell.

Predictably enough, he can't wait to be locked inside a Cell with Seth Rollins, that's just what he needs to finally get out all his pent up aggression. But first, there's a little matter of John Cena...

Ambrose knows this little Contract on a Pole match is just the Authority trying to protect their "golden boy," trying to undermine his mission by making him face "the Face" of WWE, the 15-time champion... but he doesn't care: he's gonna do what he has to, and that's beat John Cena to within an inch of his life, and then onto the Cell match and do it again.

Enter John Cena, who is definitely on the short end of the cheers again tonight... but nowhere near as bad as last week; maybe 35/65. But he doesn't make any new friends as he adopts a really cheesy, patronizing tone as he says he appreciates Ambrose's intensity, but just a bit of veteran advice... he better tone it down, reign it in, because in 2 weeks, he's got one of the biggest matches of his career, against the toughest opponent of his career. So quit running at the mouth, and go use those 2 weeks to get ready.

Ambrose is not amused. He basically says "Uhhh, weren't you listening? I know exactly who you are. I just don't care. Nobody's gonna stop me from getting what I want, and I don't need 2 weeks to get ready for that. If you don't get outta my face, I'll start in on you right now." Angry glare.

Cena, definitely heeling it up -- at least as far as the majority are concerned -- once again talks down to Ambrose, saying, in essence, that Dean's being stupid and crazy, and needs to use his head, otherwise the HiaC match is gonna be even easier for Cena than before. Ambrose just drops his mic and starts shaking his head... Cena's clearly talking-without-listening, so what's the point engaging him?

As the two come to a stand-off, Triple H and Stephanie come out on the stage. HHH is all, "Whoa, look, we might get us a preview of HiaC right here tonight." But Steph is all, "Nah, look at those two, they don't have the guts to fight each other tonight." HHH says, "Wanna bet?" And Steph agrees. What's on the line? We dunno, they just say "The usual" and shake on it.

In order to test the theory, HHH says he's putting Cena and Ambrose into a tag match. A three-way tag match. Against the Usos and the tag champs Goldust and Stardust. Oh, and it's starting RIGHT NOW.

By which he means, "After these..."

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GOLDUST/STARDUST vs. THE USOS vs. JOHN CENA/DEAN AMBROSE (Non-Title)

Ambrose starts against an Uso, and gets the better of it. In fact, in order to tell the story that they won't fall for the Authority's ploy to make them fight, Ambrose and Cena start making frequent tags, and control the early minutes.

But then Cena whiffs on a power moves, and the Usos take over for a time compressed mini-"heel"-beatdown... while the Usos are dominating Cena, the crowd tires of the 50/50 "Let's Go Cena"/"Cena Sucks" game, and starts chanting "We Want Star Dust" pretty loud. Cody's clearly loving every minute of it, and eggs them on.

But it's not his time, yet. Cena gets separation, and makes the Lukewarm Tag to Ambrose, and the other Uso comes in on the corresponding move. Ambrose is on fire, and even charges the Dusts' corner. A little Pier Fiver breaks out (Cena is still slumped on the apron), and Ambrose clears the ring, while Stardust gets a huge pop for chucking one of the Usos into the Timekeeper's Cubicle.

With the break in the action, we take a break for...

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Back, and Stardust has entered the match, and is kicking the crap out of Jimmy Uso. A few back and forth tags with Goldust, and it's clear that this is our for-realz Face in Peril sequence. FWIW, the crowd has worked the Stardust cheers out of its system, it seems, and is firmly behind the Usos.

It looks like we're about to get a hot tag, when heel double-teaming backfires, and Stardust crashes into Goldust when Jimmy ducks out of the way. But before he can dive to his corner, Goldust yanks Jey off the apron, and so there's nobody home.

This motivates Ambrose to run over and attack Goldust at ringside. Jimmy winds up changing course, and makes a tag to Cena. Stardust is legal, and Cena goes to town on him... but then there's a blind tag, and Goldust comes in to attack Cena from behind. And just like that, a full-on Pier Six Brawl breaks out.

It ends with Cena and Ambrose surprisingly united. They dominate the other four, ending with the Usos and Dusts outside the ring. And then Cena goes up top and hits a crazy crossbody to the floor onto all four. Impressive. But Ambrose is all, "Uhhh, I can do that, too." So he does, diving onto the scrum.

Cena grabs Goldust's carcass and tosses him back into the ring. Ambrose grabs Stardust, and does the same. In stereo, they hit an F-U and a Double Underhook DDT (apparently rebranded as the new "Dirty Deeds"?), respectively. They lock eyes for a second, then Ambrose gestures (Broadly) that Cena can have the honors, what with him being the legal man, and all.

Your Winners: John Cena and Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. A jim dandy of an opener, with a satisfactory level of action (especially the red hot schmozz of a finish), but tons of intrigue and storyline sizzle, too. Cena and Ambrose CAN work together, it seems.

After the Match: the Authority hit the stage again, where HHH makes a big fat hairy deal out of handing over exactly One Dollar to Steph, since she wins the bet... but HHH doesn't like losing. So one way or another, Cena and Ambrose are gonna fight tonight. They are gonna scratch and claw and beat the hell out of each other, cuz only one of them will ever step into the Cell with Rollins.

So we're getting HiaC 2 weeks early... later tonight, the contract's going up on a pole, and Cena and Ambrose will fight to get it. Huh. I'm not opposed to getting a PPV match early, but the way HHH bludgeoned home the point about there only being one makes me think we're now on a collision course with Cena vs. Ambrose vs. Rollins in a three-way in the Cell. Not sure how, but HHH's wording sure was suspicious.

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AJ LEE/LAYLA vs. PAIGE/ALICIA FOX

Layla is AJ's partner-of-convenience, as witnessed by a fun little inset clip during ring entrances, in which Paige lures Layla into this match by saying "You're the diva I hate the least." Then the two share the least sincere hug of all times.

AJ starts the match, not trusting a partner after last week's Emmacarriage of Justice. Super time compression results in Alicia taking command, at which point Paige is willing to face AJ. AJ instantly fires up, and chases Paige around ringside, and keeps pounding away on her even after Alicia retags back in.

AJ tries to escape the beatdown by diving to her corner, to get a tag... but Layla is having none of AJ's insincere crapola, and she pulls her hand back, walking out on the match. Uh oh.

But Alicia spends too much time pointing and laughing at AJ's misfortune... when AJ finally turns around, she sees this, and hits a Shining Wizard out of nowhere.

Your Winner(s): AJ Lee and No One Else, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. Would have been nice, and a lot more organic, if it had had more time to develop... but they crammed in everything they had to, and the story is clear. AJ has no friends, but she's also not to be trifled with. After the Match, AJ even charged Layla and delivered a beating... ergo, next week is AJ & Other Random Partner vs. Layla & Summer, right?

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Backstage: HHH and Steph are congratulating themselves for a huge main event to tonight's show, when in walks Randy Orton. Long story short, he's feeling left out, and wants some competition. He says he wants to kick the shit out of Dolph Ziggler tonight.

HHH is all "you go, girl." But then he decides to give Orton some more: Orton will face the loser of Cena/Ambrose, also inside a Cell at the PPV... and Orton's OK with this, as even he recognizes that he is the perfect embodiment of "Booby Prize."

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: same Wyatt Vignette from last week, with Harper getting his freedom and "It's Coming" sharpie'd onto a pregnant belly.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. RANDY ORTON (Non-Title)

Cesaro is sitting in on guest commentary, and actually gets his entire point across during the approximately 7 minutes taken by Orton's slothlike entrance... he feels he's still owed a straight-up one-on-one IC Title match by Ziggler, since all he's gotten after Dolph cheated to beat him was the one three-way title shot. Miz has the same exact gripe with Ziggler.

And honestly, it's not just me, right? Orton really is backsliding into some of his lethargic bad habits the last month or so, isn't he? It's been noticeable in a few matches... but maybe I just noticed it during his entrance tonight because WWE has gotten away from airing ring entrances (about half of them are now formatted to take place during ad breaks). I dunno, but I don't like it. Not one bit.

Match starts with a flurry by Ziggler, as is pretty standard, but quickly settles down -- WAAAAAAYYYYY down -- once Orton takes over for the heel beatdown. He definitely is slowing things down, forcing the issue so much that Cole -- deadpan -- has to cover it up by saying, "Man, this Orton, there's just no wasted energy."

And, to recall an old cliche, Man, I love a shoot that's wasn't meant to be a shoot; if the minimum requirement, for a watchable match, is X units of "energy," Orton is only using (X - 183) units, which makes him the best conservator of energy on the whole roster! D'oh.

Dolph's hope spots keep a nominal level of crowd interest, but there's a lot of quiet as Orton's offense includes stuff like the Garvin Stomp. Thrilling. Pointing to his ear. Enthralling! Staring blankly into the distance for an uncomfortably long beat. ACTION~! I don't think I'm lying that the move he did that got the biggest pop was when he hit the Pose of Ultimate Douchebaggery Not because it was kinetically exciting, but because it was at least familiar in some way.

Then Ziggler started what felt like a more significant comeback, and Orton just strolled away from the ring, content to get counted out. Because COMPETITION~!

But, for some reason, Seth Rollins materialized on the stage, holding his MitB Briefcase. Now, Orton's confused. He's all "Uhhh, what are you doing here?" and glacing back and forth between Rollins and the ring. The issue is not settled as we break for...

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Back, and it's still not settled. Orton took control during the break, but as he did, he shouted back at Rollins that he did it alone, he doesn't need help. Rollins is no just standing, stoically, at the foot of the aisle.

Orton is forced to break the dreaded chinlock as Dolph tries firing up. But he snuffs that out, and hoists Ziggler up onto the top rope. He's thinking superplex. Ziggler fights him off with headbutts, but can't follow up quickly enough. Orton re-crotches him and finally hits the superplex.

Cover, for a 2 count. Orton again takes his time, so when he follows up, Ziggler matches him, punch for punch, and off that, it starts going back and forth for a minute, until Orton hits his snap powerslam.

MORE lethargic time wasting (this time, Lawler's the one who has to acknowledge/cover for it), but after a quick grapple, Orton gets in position and hits the Hanging DDT. Wastes more time "coiling," but Ziggler ducks and hits a superkick. Only a 2 count.

As both men struggle to their feet, the crowd is still almost dead quiet, which makes it all the more amusing when a determined 7% minority start shouting "This is Awesome." It does not catch on. But the mere fact that they were audible thanks to a lack of any other noise sort of makes MY point moreso than it bolsters theirs, in any way. They wisely shut up.

But then it heats up when Dolph goes for a Fameasser. Orton dodges. Dolph goes for a leapfrog mount-and-punch, but Orton gives him another boost into mid-air and catches him with the RKO. Nifty, as always.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in about 18 minutes. It was there. I may have overstated my vaginal sandification in an effort to make a few smiles: it's not like it was that horrible. It just wasn't really very good, either. Really nice closing segment, but otherwise, it really was about 4 minutes of action in an 18 minute bag. And yes, that's mostly on Orton... sorry to sound like The Rick, circa 2004-2010, but it's true.

After the Match: Seth Rollins slowly got into the ring, and Orton took a step back, to see what he had planned. With a clear path to Ziggler, Rollins suddenly got a running start and hit a superfluous Curb Stomp, and celebrated like he just won 10 Super Bowls.

This annoyed Orton, who got a look in his eye like he wanted to suckerpunch Rollins. But he didn't.

Still, the takeaway here just might be "Orton Face Turn Forthcoming." And it might not be the worst idea... I mean, maybe, just maybe, Orton's rolling things back to his worst Lethargy Era habits because he knows time's running out to use the classics? It was only 3-4 years ago when he turned face as part of his feud against Christian that he started putting on consistently good matches week-in/week-out for the first time in his career. Cuz babyfaces can't get away with lethargy.

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JACK SWAGGER (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. SETH ROLLINS

Rollins just stayed in the ring after the last match, gloating and acting rather proud of himself, because curb stomping a guy after Orton already beat him is oh-so-impressive.

He continued his cocky ways by taking the fight to Swagger. The second Swagger dared to think about firing up, Rollins bailed out, and resumed control after the tried-and-true Cat and Mouse Role Reversal Spot.

Beatdown continues, with a nominal focus on Swagger's left arm/shoulder. Swagger fires up out of an armbar, but his rally is short lived, as Rollins rolls out of the way of a Swagger Bomb. The brawl spills outside, and all of a sudden, Randy Orton appears.

Swagger is distracted at first, allowing Rollins to hit a Flying Goat Dive. But then it's Rollins turn to be all "Uhhh, what are you doing here?" In response, Orton merely gives the "toodlee-oo" Twinklefinger Wave while smiling. Randall, you strumpety minx.

With that awkward bit of tension established, we break for...

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Back, and Rollins is still putting the boots to Swagger, and in between, he's turning to Orton and gloating. Crowd's been more into this match than the previous one -- with lots of "You sold out" and "You suck" chants at Rollins, and "We the People" for Swagger, espcially early on, though dying out over time -- but there's an odd interlude coming out of the break where the same 7% from before are audible over a lull in the action, chanting "Let's Go, Orton."

So at least they are consistant in having shitty taste. You go, Seven Percenters.

Swagger finally begins a rally -- but by now, it's to a less than rousing ovation -- with a belly-to-belly. Then a Swagger Bomb. Orton is now grinning and only sort of bothering to cover it up.

Swagger begins various chopblocks and leg-relates stuff, in anticipation of the anklelock. Once he finally goes for it, they go quadruple reversey until Rollins manages a cheap roll-up.

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Not really any better than the previous match, but significantly shorter, so it didn't seem as much of a slog, despite Swagger's lack of any credibility. Inoffensive in every way.

After the Match: as Rollins celebrated his unconvincing win, Orton dove into the ring and hit a quickie RKO on poor Swagger. He put the skunkeye on Rollins, saying that's how it's done. Rollins just mutters about how he had his time, and it's passed. Now is Rollins' time.

How John Cena restrained himself from coming out to declare gimmick infringement is beyond me.

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Backstage: Renee Young's standing by with Dean Ambrose... he's already had one match, now he's got a second one, and his shot at getting his hands on Seth Ambrose is on the line. What do we expect? Dean tells us what NOT to expect... do not expect him to be a nice guy tonight, because he's not. He's gonna do all kinds of bad things to John Cena, because it's the only way he'll have a chance to do all kinds of bad things to Seth Rollins.

Then, for some reason, he decides to tag it by singing the chorus from "Highway to Hell," which was not a good idea. Ambrose's singing voice should be reserved only for comic relief moments.

Elsewhere Backstage: Tom Phillips is standing by with Big Show. Show's basic thesis is that Lana's done a great job of spin doctoring, but the truth is, Big Show beat Rusev in their first match, and then when Rusev pressed the issue, he got knocked out, to boot. For all his tough talk, Rusev's just a bully with a glass jaw, and tonight, Big Show can't wait to show him what he learned in "sensitivity training."

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BIG SHOW vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Lana's pre-match spiel is centered on today being Columbus Day, and pointing out -- quite accurately -- that at this point, with everything we know, it's really not that great an idea to celebrate Columbus for "discovering" a continent that was already populated, and then ruining the lives of said populace. Except she didn't say it in the sort of reasonable, learned way that you can agree with (such as also pointing out that the Vikings "discovered" America 500 years before Columbus did)... she made it sound all evil.

And she punctuated it by making a tasteless joke about how the idiots in the crowd should be plenty familiar with the plight of the Native Americans, because they have to watch their Braves Baseball Team get slaughtered on a nightly basis. Okay, I laughed. I felt guilty about it, but I did.

Then Rusev took the mic, and made all kinds of diabolical threats about ripping Big Show's spinal column out of his torso that are the perfect blend of terrifying and English-as-a-Second-Language-y. BOOO~!

Big Show enters, the bell rings, and none of Rusev's threats come to pass. It's all Big Show, all the time.... Show dominates from pillar to post, from one side of the arena floor to the other. Crowd's eating it up, and even starts taunting Lana with the Braves' tomahawk chop chant.

So Show feeds off that by backing Rusev into the corner, and calling for the "SHHHHHHHH!" Chop... but instead, when he raises his hand, HE does the Tomahawk Chop before hitting the real chop. Atlanta goes batshit. I hate Atlanta for it, and so does everybody else in the civilized world, but good for you getting to lord your dispicable baseball team's signature chant over Lana.

But it's also just about the end of Show's run, as he comes off the ropes, looking for the spear, but instead, he runs into a wicked drop kick by Rusev. Wow.

The beatdown is on, and leads up to Rusev clotheslining Show over the top rope and out of the ring. Break in the action, so we break for...

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Back, and Rusev's got Show in a Cobra Clutch... so now he's "borrowing" from both the Iron Sheik and Sgt. Slaughter. Show quickly powers out of that, but Rusev puts him back down with a big avalanche. So tick King Kong Bundy off his list, too!

Back to a modified Cobra Clutch for a bit, but then Show headbutts his way out... with Rusev flat on his back, Big Show goes to the second rope, and tries for the elbow. Of course, Rusev rolls out of the way. He also goes back to that modified whateverlock (kind of a head-and-arm combolock).

This time, Show powers out and hits a big body slam. But he can't follow up: Rusev ducks the WMD and hits his big jumping thrust kick. Then, without the usual encouragement from Lana, he immediately cinches in the Camel Clutch.

Big Show fights it for a moment or two, but then Mark Henry hits the ring. Rusev breaks the hold to knock Henry off the apron, but then re-applies it. Show looks to be fading, so Henry runs int the ring and breaks iit up. Ref has to call for the bell.

Your Winner: Rusev, via disqualification, in 14 minutes. Probably no more "action" than the Orton/Ziggler match, but it had all kinds of entertainment value, nonetheless, as witnessed by the red hot live response. Fun when it was supposed to be fun, but frustrating when it had to be in order to facilitate another chapter. They didn't bring the same level of athleticism as they did a few weeks ago on SD, but there's not a damned thing to complain about here. Perhaps Show and Rusev can combine the sizzle and the action in the rubber match?

After the Match: Henry helped Show to his feet, and Show seemed initially upset that Henry caused the DQ, but then Lana called for the giant Russian flag to unfurl, almost right on top of Henry and Show's heads. Combined with Rusev's music hitting, and Rusev waving his normal sized flag at them, this glavanized Henry and Rusev... PALS AGAIN~!

Show exits on one side of the ring, Henry on the other, and they surround Rusev... he realizes his mistake, and tries bolting one way, only to be met by Henry. So he turns around, and walks right into the Knock Out Punch. USA USA USA!

Backstage: Sheamus is WALKING~! And Renee Young catches up to him, to ask about his upcoming match against Miz. Sheamus has fun referencing Damien Mizdow, and trying to figure out the plural for "Miz" ("Miz" "Mizzus?" "Mizzi?"), before declaring that no matter what they are, his presciption is "Take two Brogue Kicks and call me in the morning."

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At Ringside: that guy "Christly" from that one show that's named after him. He was supposed to be a Guest Host tonight, but instead, he's just sitting at ringside with his kids..... WHOA WAIT... his KIDS?!?!?!?!? From the commercials that air nonstop on RAW, I thought the whole point of the show was that he was the flamboyantly gay nanny or something, trying to straighten out some awful family where a single mom was unable to reign in her spoiled offspring using all kinds of tough love and sassy fingersnappy attitude. Like a post-modern Mrs. Doubtfire for the Bravo set.

Tell me I'm not the only one who assumed that was the deal based on forced Monday Night exposure to 30 second commercials. Please.

Instead, it turns out the offspring are his own, and the tie-in here is that the woman on the show is his wife, and she's actually a breast cancer survivor. Huh. This knowledge does absolutely nothing to increase the chances that I'll ever watch said "reality" show, but at least this cross-promotion was entirely less horrible and more tasteful than I ever would have guessed.

SHEAMUS vs. MIZ (w/ Damien Sandow) (Non-Title)

Out of the gate, Mizdow's "air wrestling" wins the crowd over. For the second week in a row, the loudest reaction is a "We Want Sandow" chant, and Sandow effectively transfers at least SOME of that good will onto Miz. When Miz finally lands a cheapshot kick to the gut after getting his ass kicked for the opening minutes, the crowd pops for it.

Miz's beatdown is pretty basic, allowing Sandow to mirror him... but when Miz gets cocky, he starts paint-brushing Sheamus with bitchslaps. Bad idea. Sheamus goes into Berzerker Mode, and chucks Miz out of the ring.

SANDOW TO THE RESCUE~! Sandow drops down, and writhes in pain alongside Miz. Both crawl under the ring apron, and when Sheamus goes looking to retrieve his opponent, he grabs the wrong ankle. He gets Sandow, while Miz disappears entirely under the ring.

Sandow then keeps Sheamus occupied (by letting Sheamus beat him savagely), while the ref counts away. He gets up to 8, and suddenly Miz appears over on the other side of the ring, and dives in, all while Sheamus is unawares. The ref gets to 9, and Sheamus realizes his mistake, turns back, and sees Miz standing tall as the ref hits 10. Tee hee.

Your Winner: Miz, via count-out, in 7 minutes. Amusing enough, if not exactly action-packed. How awesome was that finish? In addition to the intangibles that Sandow brings, the other key talking point here is that this is Miz's second win over Sheamus... he's probably moved on past Ziggler, and onto the US Title, right? I'll take it.

Backstage: Half the cast of That Which OO Does Not Acknowledge As Valid Entertainment knocks on a door. Out comes one of the Real Housewives of Only Developmentally Disabled Middle Aged Women Give a Shit (in other words, the hated ancient ancestor of TWOODNAAVE). They're friends. Then the other half of the cast of TWOODNAAVE show up, and they are mean. So they argue. Then the housewive hits a catchphrase, and just like that, it's mercifully over.

Wow, for as horrifyingly bad as I was expecting things to be with not one, but TWO, "reality" stars, that wasn't too bad. One was totally different than I expected, and also short. The other was just as stupid as I would have guessed, but even shorter.

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NATALYA/NAOMI/BRIE vs. SUMMER/CAMERON/NIKKI

I spoke too soon. The "real" housewive is now at ringside, in the corner of the "face" team. Match is Nattie attempting about 2 minutes of wrestling, then Nikki uses some heel antics, then Nattie makes the tag to Brie, it breaks down into a Pier Sixer, and Brie pins her sister. Yay.

Your Winners: Brie, Nattie, and Naomi, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. The "real" housewive did nothing but cheerlead, so that wasn't so bad. Still, it's baffling that she was there, at all. How does WWE not recognize the obvious: nonsense like this does WAY more to destroy your relationship with wrestling fans than it does create one useful iota of awareness among the niche audience for middle-age-lady-programming. The results can be enfuriatingly bad -- like last week's awfulness with Kathie Lee and the Other One -- and the absolute high water mark is tonight, when it was merely utterly pointless. So why bother?

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Backstage: Renee Young's got John Cena for his counterpoint to Ambrose's "I'm not a nice guy" promo. You know, considering it's already 10:50pm (eastern), I wish Cena would shut up and get this match started already. WWE's telegraphing another "You shouldn't even bother getting excited, because there will be no actual main event match happening tonight." Between basic temporal awareness, and HHH's suspicious choice or words, I see no other outcome...

Oh, and Cena's promo. Nothing to see here. Just a loud shouty fake angry promo in which he says it's time for the biggest main event ever and he's gonna fight the yadda yadda yadda...

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: a new Bray Wyatt vignette. This time, he talks about "her" and how she assured him he was special. And how he would never be alone (even as the video shows Harper and Rowan blinking out of existence, so Bray's alone in his rocking chair). No, he would always be accompanied by a spirit, a spirit of dust, desolation, and destruction... and It's Coming.

This week, no pregnant belly. Instead, the tag is a black screen and Bray voice, running backwards. I assume by tomorrow morning someone will have reracked that and played it in reverse to decode it, but I am not that person.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. JOHN CENA (Contract on a Pole Match)

Triple H and Steph decide to come down and witness this match, up close and personal... and then Seth Rollins shows up to watch from the stage, too. And yep, Orton comes out to stand with him. Oh hell, why not Kane, too? He joins up with the other two, and they walk to ringside together. So much for the entire mid-show storyline, eh?

So by the time everybody gets a ring entrance and the bell rings, it's 10:59pm (eastern). I hate to say I told you so, but...

Filed Under "Shit Only I Would Notice": Cena has eschewed his Breast Cancer gear, and is wearing his normal colors. Is this as close to a "heel" as he'll ever be? Not wanting to disgrace a good cause by supporting it when he knows he's not the fan favorite? Or am I just thinking too hard?

Ambrose certainly gets off to a hot start, to the approval of the crowd. Building on last week's "Beer Truck Moment" with the hot dog cart, Ambrose just flat out stomps a mudhole in Cena, all of 90 seconds into the match. It's OOfficial, WWE does not mind if you want to draw that parallel in your mind.

But off the mudhole stomp, Ambrose made his first charge up the ropes to get the contract, and Cena cuts him off. The two start going back-and-forth, and immediately it spills outside the ring. They brawl up the ramp, and onto the stage, where Ambrose gets the better of it, and suplexes Cena on the metal.

Ambrose makes his way towards the ring (but slowly), and tries for the contract again. Cena is able to cut him off a second time, catching him on the top rope and hitting an electric chair.

Cena has designs on an F-U, but Ambrose shoves him off, and does his bounce-off-the-ropes clothesline. Ambrose tries to follow up with Dirty Deeds (this time, the original falling facebuster one), but Cena rolls through into an SSTF.

A submission does nothing in an "On a Pole" match, but it still hurts, so Ambrose bites Cena's hand to escape. Ambrose rolls outside, and Cena follows. Ambrose manages to reverse a whip, and Cena crashes into the barricade in front of the Extended Authority.

So the Authority start sarcastically cheering Ambrose, who decides NOT to climb for the contract. Instead, he suckerpunches Orton and tries to get to Rollins... Kane holds him back, and Cena attacks Ambrose from behind.

Now the Authority sarcastically cheer for Cena, so Cena deeks them by acting like he's gonna throw Ambrose into the ringsteps... but instead, he throws them into Orton/Rollins/Kane, picking up the spare.

Cena makes a move towards the contract, but Randall has been disrespected! So Orton jumps Cena. Cena fights back, so Kane joins in. Rollins hightails it up the ramp...

Cena fights back, as Superman is wont to do, but once he finally dumps both Kane and Orton, he looks up and sees that Ambrose is standing on the top turnbuckle. He's looking back at Cena and chuckling. Ambrose gives a quick, mocking "You Can't See Me," and Cena gets all of one step towards the corner before Ambrose reaches up and takes the contract.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pole climb, in 5 minutes. So 10 out of 10 for the right guy winning... that'll make for a much more interesting night at HiaC. But seriously, minus a couple hundred for time management and the 5 minute throwaway of a main event, that never even had a chance to hit a stride or find its gravitas. Oh well...

After the Match: there was an awkward moment as Ambrose "celebrated" (not in a showy way, but he was happy he got what he wanted), while Cena stayed in the ring, Orton got up on the aprong, and Rollins came back out on the stage to stare at all of them.I think I get what they were going for, but they didn't quite get there, narrative-wise. It can probably be fixed in Video Package form, as they clearly want to turn this more into intertwined four-way tension, instead of just letting Ambrose/Rollins be its own thing. It's not the direction I'd go, but it seems like that's where they're headed.

Finally, the awkward moment gets bailed out when Rollins' music hits, and he's the nominal focal point as we fade to black...

And so ends the show. There were enough good bits, and there weren't really any bad... and WWE even stayed away from the momentum-killing surplus of multiple "moments agos" and replays.

But the show also lacked any real big hit or hook that could anchor the rest of the show... it meandered to and fro, visiting some interesting lands, but at no point did it seem like we knew of a compelling final destination, much less a direct, effcient path to get there.

If you're a "the trip is half the fun" type of person, maybe nothing was amiss, as far as you could tell. But I'm not that way, and can't help but notice this was another upside-down-y type of show where WWE didn't even make an effort to present a main event that was an actual main event... for the second week in a row, what seemed like a reason to pay attention turned out to be nothing more than the premise to do an angle.

And this week, said angle was a bit off-kilter, and not quite what the fans were onboard for. The Rollins/Orton tension was on-again/off-again, and didn't have a solid throughline, and yet, there was that ending, where fans were asked to buy into four-way drama, when all they really care about is getting to Ambrose vs. Rollins.

If you're gonna get us to buy into something other than what we want, you gotta make it compelling and ultra-boss, not on-again/off-again before ending on-again. This was not that.

So final assessment? The hands-down best part of the show was the opening half-hour, with Ambrose's promo "win" over Cena and then the excellent 3-way tag match. Then, WWE earns points for avoiding the same pitfalls as recent weeks (no massively stupid/bad bits, time dedicated to in-ring and value-add instead of replays -- even if 8 of those minutes SHOULD have been taken right the hell away from Randy Orton, who squandered them), but loses a lot of them back by not paying off on a climactic final segment.

The big ending of a show should never make you flash back to how the best thing of the night happened 3 hours ago. So with that in mind, almost everything might have been average or better, but the "feel" of the show is one that wasn't much more than a C.

See you next week, kids...

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RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

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PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.