OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
ZERO ZEROITY ZERO~!
November 3, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

It looks like I can just punt this whole NFL season right about now... football isn't something that's aesthetically pleasing enough to me that I'll just watch it, regardless of who's playing. But I'll get into it if I have a rooting interest. And I only root for a football team if they playoffs are a possibility, cuz otherwise: like I said, not aesthetically pleasing enough to bother.

So I waited my usual 8 weeks before assessing matters (no need to watch until a fair judgment can be made on that front), and checked in on my potential rooting interest during RAW's commercials tonight.

And after watching the Giants get demolished -- even if only flipping past during ad breaks, the Colts seemed to score a touchdown every five minutes -- it's safe to say, I have no rooting interest in any football until autumn 2015.

Luckily, college hoops is about to pick up. And while it's not always entirely aesthetically pleasing, either, I still have MULTIPLE rooting interests (the Dayton Flyers, of course, but also Indiana University, since that's where I was born), and when you factor in scouting all the teams in two different 14-team conferences (college hoops is delightfully robust in how much rests on strength of schedule, so a learned fan must factor this into his fandom), that makes for a LOT of compelling viewing, even if one of them finally outs itself as an NIT team by late January.

So [caddyshack]I got that going for me[/caddyshack]. Pretend to be happy for me! In return, here's what you got going for you... my spin on what just happened on tonight's edition of RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those With ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

WHEN VINCE LOSES HIS MIND AND REWRITES A SHOW AT THE LAST SECOND, THERE'S A 90% CHANCE OF VINCE APPEARING ON THE SHOW...

And then we cut to the inside of the arena in Buffalo, NY, where "No Chance in Hell" fires up, and Vince McMahon hits the ring, flanked by Triple H and Stephanie.

Vince gooses the crowd into giving him a cheap "welcome back" pop, and then says, "Ah, shucks, things have been just fine without me, thanks to these two." Boos for the Authority. Then he reminds us all of how great a bargain is, for just NINE NINETY NINE.

But it's an even better value FOR FREE, which it is all November long, which means you can get the second longest running PPV for free, Survivor Series. And Survivor Series is headlined by Team Authority vs. Team Cena, which should be pretty spectacular. A veritable battle for power.

But Vince knows what it's like to fight for control, and to end up with ALL the power. He references his "win" against Federal Prosecutors (methinks Vince would be wise to just shut the hell up, and not talk about that, because even though he "won" it's only a reminder of WWE's ultra-shady past where the company was on only slightly higher moral ground than the goddamned government), and also against Turner. Then he says he wants this next generation to know that kind of Thrill of Victory.

So, in the Survivor Series main event, the winner will have ALL the power, and the loser will have none. In other words, if the Authority loses, they will no longer be the Authority. HHH and Steph are utterly shocked -- and not in a good way -- but Vince assures them it's Best for Business. He asks for his music to play and for his daughter and son-in-law to take a little walk with him. Which they do. Grudgingly.

As they leave, Dean Ambrose's music hits, and he heads the ring, because his match is next. By which we mean, after these....

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Backstage: HHH and Steph have walked Vince back to his limo, and he's still talking about how he knows they're surprised, but this will totally be awesome. They just have to keep doing a great job like they have and yadda yadda yadda. The exchange gets awkward at the end, as they are pretty much urging Vince into the limo, and he's sort of doddering about and babbling like a senile old man.

Once they shoo Vince away, HHH and Steph are clearly miffed, but not really angry. Surprised, yes, but maybe a bit annoyed more than pissed. Maybe they're seeing Vince as more losing-his-mind than working against them? That's certainly the vibe I got, anyway. They walk away, saying they'll get this all figured out by the end of the night...

DEAN AMBROSE vs. CESARO

Third time in a week for these two. First time, Ambrose just kicked Cesaro's ass before the bell. Second time, Ambrose beat Cesaro clean in a street fight. Ambrose has nothing to prove here, but Cesaro apparently feels otherwise.

Back and forth start eventually breaks in favor of Cesaro's power and strength. He clotheslines Ambrose out of the ring, but when he follows, Ambrose catches him and rams his head into the barricade... and comes up bleeding. Pretty nastily, too, not just a paper cut. Looks like it might actually be top of the ear, or something, which might be why it's gushing pretty good...

Match heads back into the ring for a moment or two, where ref Charles Robinson dons the rubber gloves, and appears to call for an audible. Ambrose tosses Cesaro over the top rope. Then, there's an awkward Bray Wyatt Freeze Frame, but we cut straight to...

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Back, and yep, they took the break to get Cesaro cleaned up. No more blood. But the freeze frame also portended the arrival of Bray Wyatt, who has plopped down in his rocking chair up on the stage.

Also, Cesaro has taken control, as required by Your Standard Match Layout. A particular wicked German Suplex snuffs out an Ambrose hope spot. A second hope spot by Ambrose sees him go right after the treated gash on the side of Cesaro's head, but it doesn't open back up. Cesaro tries to regain control with a big boot, but Ambrose hits his Rebound Clothesline.

Ambrose sets up for a Tornado DDT, but Cesaro hits a sweet counter into an Elevation Uppercut. A backslide by Cesaro gets him a two count, but on the kick-out, Ambrose is able to come up with a Flash Dirty Deeds, and that's that.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. So that's three times, and bascially Cesaro has nothing to show for it. And yet, if WWE wanted to serve it up a fourth time, I'd take it. These last two matches were both just that good.

Pregnant Belly Freeze Frame: another freeze frame and when we come back from the black-out, Bray's rocking chair is empty. And it's no plot to sneak attack Ambrose. He's just gone. Bray moves in mysterious ways.

Backstage: HHH and Steph are gameplanning, and agree that the easiest way to deal with Vince's decree is to assemble the best damn Survivor Series team they can. But the agreement ends there... because HHH goes for the phone, and starts calling Randy Orton, and Steph freaks out. "The Randy Orton that defied us last week. The Randy Orton that RKO'd Seth Rollins. The Seth Rollins who is our leader of Team Authority." And HHH is just "Yep." Because last week was before her dad went all crazy, and now, he's gonna do whatever it takes to win. And that means making peace with Orton.

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JIMMY USO (w/ Jey) vs. MIZ (w/ Damien Sandow)

This is the result of the Usos using "twin magic" twice last week to score tag wins (once on RAW, which you saw, and once on Tuesday Night's Main Event, which nobody did)... so Miz has demanded this singles match to eliminate that possibility. Uhhhh, sure it does, Miz.

Out of the blocks, Jimmy controls Miz with basic opening match armbars and headlocks. Sandow mirrors him on the outside, generating the now-standard "We Want Mizdow" chant. Jey gets in on the fun by mirroring his brother's move, so the end result is Jey applying an armbar on one side of the ring, while Sandow sells on on the other. That's pretty hilarious.

Miz finally turns the table by dodging a corner charge. Sandow keeps mirroring Miz's offense, to huge cheers, while Jey ceases to see the humor in the situation, so he quits.

Comeback for Jimmy when he low-bridges Miz, and follows up with a big ass plancha. Sandow plops down next to Miz, selling the move, and when Jimmy tosses Miz back in the ring, Sandow tries to throw himself back in, too... Jimmy has to waste time yanking Sandow out, and Jey takes him down with a superkick.

But the distraction works: Jimmy slides back into the ring, and walks right into the Skull Crushing Finale. It's not "twin magic," but it works about the same.

Your Winner: Miz, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes. Pretty straight forward, from an in-ring action perspective, but Sandow continues to bring a much appreciated something extra to Miz's act. I'll take it.

Later Tonight: not only will Big Show vs. Mark Henry be our main event tonight on RAW, but the show continues even after RAW goes off the air... on the WWE Network, Sheamus will defend the US Title versus Rusev at 11:15pm (eastern), so if you're not already signed up, you better do it now, cuz it's all free and Spazzy Vince lost his mind again last week, and this show is being written on the fly (it was only half-done by 5pm, which is the last I heard) so they may well be hotshotting that belt onto Rusev tonight and doing it on not-TV just to make their point!

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SHEAMUS vs. TYSON KIDD (w/ Nattie) (Non-Title)

So yeah, Sheamus has to defend the title after RAW, but here, he still has to face Tyson Kidd. Spazzy Vince, indeed. Either this makes absolutely no sense/isn't fair (Sheamus wrestling twice), or Tyson Kidd is meant to be taken as such a joke that he doesn't even count as wrestling once. It's lose-lose, baby!

And seriously, there's no vaguely sensible reason to not just skip Sheamus/Kidd, and put Sheamus/Rusev on RAW if you're deadset on hotshotting that angle. This is NOT adding any value for fans, it's bludgeoningly shitty storytelling with a corporate agenda. The fans are being held hostage. Yes, we're getting the extra thing for "free," but they're still getting your credit card info and making you jump through a hoop to get the "freebie." This is an utterly transparent desperation move, not something that holds up to even a modicum of analysis.

Surprisingly, I've had time to do that entire rant, because at least WWE's not choosing the "Kidd is such a joke that he doesn't count as wrestling once." He's actually fairly competitive, getting a solid 3 minute offensive. Then it spills outside, where Sheamus regains the advantage... but the ref has a count going on both men.

Suddenly, Kidd tosses Nattie in front of Sheamus, and she actually does seem (for the first time) to actively get into "blocking" Sheamus (till now, she's immediately gotten out of the way and acted miffed at Kidd). As a result, Kidd beats that active count, but Sheamus does not.

Your Winner: Tyson Kidd, via count-out, in 5 minutes. So, uhhhhh, yeah, Kidd beats the US Champ. But the US Champ's real feud is against Rusev, and he's facing him later tonight on not-TV. Does Sheamus really lose twice in one night, or are they just using the THREAT of a title change to get a few thousand Impulse sign-ups, and then there's some kind of non-finish to Sheamus/Rusev that kicks that can down the road (to Survivor Series), while they get a quickie Sheamus/Kidd rematch program to do next Monday? It's pretty shady either way... it's either a desperation title change, or a cheap tactic to induce sign-ups without delivering what's been promised.... because the one thing that is NOT on the table is Sheamus pinning or making Rusev submit.

At least, it shouldn't. Wasting Rusev's mystique on not-TV is even dumber than wasting a title change.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. THE ENTIRE AUTHORITY??????

Ziggler hits the ring, apparently ready to wrestle. But just when Lilian is about to announce his opponent, the entire Extended Authority -- HHH, Steph, Rollins, Kane, and the New Stooges -- hit the ring.

It appears they're here to talk a little sense to young Dolphie. They (the Authority) are assmbling an unbeatable superteam. You've got Rollins, and his partner Kane... and yep, HHH confirms they've also got Randy Orton.

Meantime, John Cena's not even here tonight (he isn't? OK, that could be interesting... what kind of recruiting mission might he be on? is there time for Batista to squeeze one in before he starts filming Bond 25?)... and yet, Ziggler's thinking about signing up for his team. Best case scenario, Cena's team gets the win, and then what? The absentee "leader" will take all the credit... but if he loses, will Cena take the blame? Nope.

Does Ziggler really want to risk his entire career having the back of a guy like that? HHH doesn't think so, but just to sweeten the deal, he'll grant Ziggler one wish... all he has to do is not join Team Cena.

Ziggler considers... "Anything?" Yep, anything. So Dolph says, "What I want is for you to be out of power. You, your wife, that sell-out, these two jabronis. Gone, for good." So to accomplish that, he'll just go ahead and stick on Team Cena.

It appears that HHH sort of saw that coming, as he just chuckles, and says "That's too bad. I wanted to give you what you wanted. I wanted to give the entire universe what they wanted. But let it be noted that I can't. And the only reason why is YOU, Dolph. Your stubborness and selfishness."

And then, if Ziggler's gonna side with the enemy, HHH sees no reason not to treat him like an enemy himself. To that end, we're changing plans tonight. Dolph Ziggler will be defending that IC Title. Right now. Against Seth Rollins. And it appears Rollins will have plenty of company. We'll find out after these...

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/ the Stooges) (IC Title Match)

We join in progress. And it looks like it's only the New Stooges running backup for Rollins. For now. That's certainly subject to change.

Ziggler gets in some flashy moves, but then Rollins settles in on offense for a bit. Nothing fancy, but it gives Lawler and JBL an excuse to mispronounce "Machiavellian" about a half-dozen times (JBL knows what it means, but not how to pronounce it; Lawler knows neither), while discussing all this deck-stacking by the Authority.

Ziggler gets a hope spot about 4 minutes in, but Rollins avoids a Stinger Splash, and Ziggler's propensity for over-bumping ends up with him flopping out to the floor. Rollins follows, and lands a few more blows. Then he drops Ziggler, face-first, onto the apron and taunts the ringside fans.

Break in the action means we break for...

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Back, and ROllins is working a side headlock... and Ziggler fires up right away. He elbows out, Rollins whips him off, one duck-under, and then both men come off the ropes with simultaneous crossbodyblocks.

Both men down, ref starts the double count. Both men up at 7. Dolph gets the better of it. Near fall off a Heartstopper Elbow. Fameasser attempt avoided by Rollins, who turns it into a quick roll-up. Two. Ziggler comes up punching, and backs Rollins into a corner for a Mount-and-Punch. Rollins counters by hoisting Ziggler up and running him across the ring for the Turnbuckle Bomb.

Only a two. But a convincing two.

Rollins atttemps a Curb Stomp. Sidestepped, and now the Fameasser lands. Two. Zig Zag averted, enzuigiri for Rollins. Two count.

More back and forth, and it looks like Ziggler's ready to try for the Zig Zag again. Suddenly, Noble's up on one side of the ring, and Mercury on the other. The ref is utterly distracted trying to deal with those two, allowing Rollins to pearl harbor an equally distracted Ziggler.

Head-first into the ring-post goes Ziggler. Curb Stomp lands... but just when you think we've got a new IC Champ, Randy Orton materializes out of nowhere and hits an RKO on Rollins. The Stooges confront Orton, and Kane even storms down to the ring, but Orton's got nothing to say to them. It seems he'll stay loyal to HHH, but his specific heat with Rollins remains.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via disqualification, in 10 minutes. Not bad. I mean, how could it be with these two. But there was also a pretty palpable sense that these two have another gear or three they COULD access, but didn't, because this was more about the finish/story than about a wrestling contest. I can deal with that.

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Backstage: Orton storms into HHH/Steph's office, and starts ranting about how "Fine I'm with you for Survivor Series I respect you Hunter and seriously screw John Cena so yeah I'm with you but I want Seth Rollins and I want him one-on-one later tonight." Ahhh, yes, Randy's sticking with the non-stop rambling coke-fueled run-on sentence gimmick from last Monday. No matter what speed at which he speaks, he will NOT be confined by YOUR RULES of grammar or logic!

Steph is all "The hell, Randy? We're a team, and you're co-captains."

So Orton continues, "What no what that's I don't even know what that is cuz it's bullsh no you can't be serious co-captains that's not right that little punk I wanty one-on-one and the fury and the vengeance." If it's not cocaine, then at the very least, Orton has OD'd on Ultimate Warrior promos.

Triple H realizes this problem is not going away. So he says, OK, Orton can have his match tonight. But then he gets right up in Randall's face and tells him, but you two get it out of your system tonight. Do whatever you have to do, finish your business. But then, when the bell rings, pick each other up, pat each other on the back, and get back on the same page, because we -- WE, all of us -- have business to deal with at Survivor Series.

Randy nods his head slowly in agreement, shakes HHH's hand, and leaves.

Well, Spazzy Vince causing re-writes is certainly making for a disjointed show with tons of really obvious logic holes. But this is also a big ol' FF button on Orton/Rollins resulting in what could be a free-pre-view type main event.

Also: making Sheamus wrestle twice is still dumb, but it's slightly less flamboyantly nonsensical if you're also making Rollins wrestle twice. Right? Two wrongs make a right, don't they?

Announce Table Visit: so we drop by the announce table to visit with Cole & the Gang. It's the sort of zero-value-add crapola I usually ignore and don't include in recaps... but in thise case, I'll mention it, because their pointless drivel is interrupted by an Eyeball Freeze Frame. And then the eyeballs keep multiplying while a voice-over talks about the chaos he's about to unleash on everyone. Spoiler Alert: it's Luke Harper's voice, if you didn't recognize it without the beard.

And thus, the Harper reboot begins. Allow me to claim one of the first tickets on the bandwagon.

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RYBACK vs. TITUS O'NEIL

More competitive than Ryback's two matches last week. But that's damning faint praise. Basically, it lasts just long enough to insert a clip of the Authority "scouting" Ryback on a monitor from backstage. Yeah, good luck with that, HHH...

Your Winner: Ryback, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. Not nearly as electric as last Monday, but it's still pretty clear that Ryback has all kinds of babyface momentum in his favor right now.

Backstage: Renee Young has Big Show for an interview, and asks him about facing Mark Henry, next. And Show dismisses the question, so he can talk about the "opportunity" to remove HHH from power, and throws his hat into the ring for Team Cena. He just wants Cena to know that.

Then, he switches back to Renee's question, and talks about Mark Henry. He puts over their combined experience, and says there will be no fooling each other; they've both seen it all in their combined 40 years in the ring. It'll be a fight. And sure, part of him misses his friend (uh oh, Weepy Bitch Big Show Alert~!), but... mostly, he just can't wait to knock his ass out.

Ahhh, good: threat averted. Big Show is angry, afterall.

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BIG SHOW vs. MARK HENRY

Big Show immediately puts Henry's "he's the biggest, but I'm the strongest" thesis in doubt by backing Mark into a corner. Then whipping him into another. Henry returns the favor. Twice. But when he charges, Henry runs into an elevated boot.

Show seeks to keep Henry down with kicks, stomps, and elbow drops, but Henry rolls out of the ring to regroup. Show follows, which is a mistake... Henry throws him into the steel ring post.

But as Henry pauses to remind us that that's what he do, Show shakes it off and levels Henry with a big manly leaping shoulder tackle. The announcers say that after years of speculation, NOW we know what happens with the Irresistable Force meets the Immovable Object. OK, smart guys, if that's so, which was which?

Show takes it back into the ring, and continues on the offensive, even locking in his modified bow-and-arrow submission. Henry gets the rope break. Show keeps the heat on with some kicks and stomps, and then pops the crowd by going up to the top rope....

But Henry catches him before he gets all the way up, and hip tosses him from the second rope back into the middle of the ring. Impressive.

As Henry settles in for a bit of a heel beatdown, we once again see the Authority "scouting" from backstage. So yeah, given Show's comments earlier, just pencil these two in for the 5-on-5 match... and I just want to say "I called it."

The beatdown suddenly (abruptly, even) leads to Henry hitting the World's Strongest Slam. But before Henry can make the cover, Show rolls outside. It's his turn to regroup.

Henry follows, and doesn't give him that chance. Instead, Henry grabs the top segment of the steel ring steps and rams them into Big Show's skull. Ring that bell.

Your Winner: Big Show, via DQ, in about 6 minutes. Not too hateful, but I gotta admit, I'm pretty happy I was right about these two being folded into the 5-on-5 (where they can be used appropriately, instead of being over-exposed in a plodding one-on-one). This works so much better as a TV Special than as a 10+ minute PPV match.

After the Match: Henry keeps on keeping on, and hits another WSS, this time, dropping Show onto the steel ring steps. Ouch. I think it's safe to say that Henry passed whatever "audition" HHH may have been holding.

Backstage: in fact, we return to the Authority office, where they are discussing Mark Henry. They liked what the say, and they send Kane off to make the invite. Steph says she's REALLY liking their team, just one more guy to go... but only IF ROllins and Orton can co-exist after tonight. HHH says sometimes you just gotta let guys work it out, and he's sure they'll get it out of their system tonight.

HHH is confident, but Steph is not entirely sold.

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Backstage: Renee Young wants to talk to Brie Bella about "Day 8 of 30" as Nikki's slave, but then Nikki storms in and says nobody wants to talk to the slave, because the slavemaster is way more interesting. Or something. She orders Brie to get on to the ring, because it's time for Nikki to have a match and she wants her assistant focused.

The Bellas disappear. And then Erick Rowan appears on Renee's other side, removes his sheep mask, and says, "Pretty." Renee says, "Thanks?" with the audible question mark, before excusing herself. So in the post-Bray fall-out, Harper's getting a reboot, but Rowan's staying pretty much the same given his appearances last Friday and tonight, it seems...

EMMA vs. NIKKI BELLA (w/ Brie)

AJ is sitting in on guest commentary, talking about how she's got a sister of her own, and she actually feels bad that she's not been a better sister than she has. But watching how Nikki treats Brie, she almost feels good about things... she's never been THAT evil. And maybe that mistreatment will backfire in the long run?

Emma gives it the old college try. But it's for naught. The crowd is dead and this is going nowhere. Nikki wins with the Rack Attack.

Your Winner: Nikki Bella, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened.

After the Match: Nikki whispered somethign to Brie, and the Brie went over and slapped AJ. AJ shoved Brie aside, and charged Nikki, but Nikki sprinted away from the ring. So AJ just stood her ground in the ring, as her music played and the fans chanted "SEE EM PUNK." Oy.

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A New Day is Coming: a vignette for Eggsavier Woods, doing a James Brown gimmick, complete with a gospel choir behind him, and a lady coming out to cool him down with his cape at the end of his performance. Not pictured: Big E or Kofi, so the jury's still out on that part of things. Still, wouldn't an entourage serve a James Brown well? And it would sure make "A New Day" ring a bit more true, since it'd be fresh roles for established guys (which Woods can't really lay claim to on his own, since he's not really established anything yet on the main stage).

ZACK RYDER vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

So during ring intros, they actually flash a tweety from earlier today in which Ryder was campaigning for a spot on Team Cena. Adorable. Somehow, I don't think Ryder has a Tyson Kidd in him. But hey, at least Rusev has to wrestle twice, too! THREE wrongs DEFINITELY make a right, right?

But we're all adults here, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission, in 45 seconds. Thanks for playing, Zack. You put up just barely enough of a fight that we snuck in a shot of HHH scouting Rusev from backstage, too. Does that make five for the heels (Rollins, Orton, Kane, Henry, Rusev)? If so, then Team Cena's probably full, too (Cena, Ziggler, Ryback, Show, Sheamus), right?

But then, that makes no sense, because why would Cena be off recruiting someone (presumably a pretty major surprise to justify keeping him off TV for a week, when he had actually been hyped as part of the show as recently as Monday morning; so this is a late swerve)... so my money (or at least, my preference) is probably still for keeping Rusev/Sheamus as a singles title match at the PPV, and getting two other guys in there for the 5-on-5.

After the Match: Lana talks briefly about Rusev's post-RAW US Title Match, EXCLUSIVELY on the WWE Network (at the low low price of ZERO ZEROITY ZERO!). So Sheamus comes out to retort, because he has a differing view of the outcome. Of course he does. Staredown to end things...

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Backstage: Stephanie approaches Lana and Rusev. She says the Authority are impressed, and would like to extend an invitation to Team Authority at Survivor Series. Lana says she'll have to consult with Comrade Putin and "I'll get back to you." Hokay.

FERNANDO MATADORE (w/ Diego and Torito) vs. STARDUST (w/ Goldust)

And as if that's not already enough moving part, Miz is on guest commentary, and Sandow's with him, lip-synching along.

It's a pretty time-compressed story-advancement match, more so than a match in and of itself. Stardust right into the heel beatdown, while Miz is pretty douchily clueless on comic relief commentary. The second Fernando shows signs of a comeback, Goldust hops up on the apron to create a distraction.

Diego is unable to put a stop to that, but then Torito catches Goldust with a modified dropkick thingie that sends Goldust crashing into both Miz and Sandow. This distracts Stardust, allowing Fernando to catch him from behind with the Backstabber.

Your WInner: Fernando, via pinfall, in under 3 minutes. But it served its purpose. The Matadores are in the picture, on the back of non-title wins over the tag champs. Miz and Sandow are in the mix because of misplaced anger over Goldust's "attack" on them. And the Usos will be in the mix because they've been tusslign with Miz and Sandow. A four-way tag title match is on the way; book it!

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Friday on SmackDown: the Dust Brothers defend against the Usos one more time... this time, inside a steel cage! I'm definitely there with bells on for that! They hype it as the "final showdown" between the two teams. So, uhhhhh, either unbook that four-way for Survivor Series (it still works as a three-way, with the Matadores as the babyfaces, and Sandow in a sort of grey area), or Spazzy Vince has caused another narrative vortex of non-continuity by stunt booking a Last Time Ever Cage Match when pre-existing plans called for the four-way.

RANDY ORTON vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/ the New Stooges)

Triple H, Steph, and Kane are all standing by at ringside, in an outwardly impartial manner. But the Stooges flank Rollins, and would seem to be in his corner.

Also: bell rings to start the match at 10:55pm (eastern), so forget that thing I said about a free-per-view caliber main event. This is here to be a means to an end, not to be awesome in and of itself. Depending on what that final angle/image is, that could still be just fine... let's see.

Intense fisticuffs to start, favoring the more brawl-centric Orton. While kicking Rollins' ass, he shoots a few uncertain glances at HHH/Steph/Kane, but seems to be convinced they'll be on the level.

Then he tosses Rollins out of the ring, and as if the late start time wasn't bad enough, it's less than a minute into the match and we apparently have to break for one more set of....

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Back, and Orton's just strolling around at ringside, while Rollins is in the ring, standing tall, suggesting there was a role reversal during the break. Once the two see the red light is on, they resume jawing at each other, with Orton getting up on the apron, only to have Rollins clothesline him across the top rope.

But when Rollins tries to follow up with a tope, Orton moves, and Rollins eats the mat. Back into the ring for a Chinlock Interlude, as kinetic babyface Orton takes a powder in favor of "let's do a chinlock in an 8 minute match" Orton. But Rollins is the heel here, so he fires up out of that to get a minute or so of punchy-kicky heel offense in.

Then -- and I guess you call it a "comeback" despite the abbreviated nature of it all -- Orton dodges a corner charge and tosses Rollins out of the ring. And the ringside furniture is his friend. Rollins meets the barricade, and then gets whipped into the announce table. Orton clears the announce table, planning for something evil...

But Rollins has rolled back into the ring to both break the count and recoup. When Orton goes to fetch him, Rollins tries a suckerpunch attack... but it doesn't go much of anywhere, and instead, Orton sets him up on the turnbuckle and his a big ol' superplex. No cover, as Rollins tries to roll outside... but Orton catches him, and tries to turn it into the Hangman DDT. BUt Rollins counters the counter and backdrops Orton out of the ring.

Rollins with his version of the Flying Goat, right in front of HHH/Steph. HHH sells it like he can't BELIEVE the brutality, and that's also the narrative that Cole tries frantically to sell. Because HHH could NEVER have seen this coming. A RAW main event that's EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES OLD ALREADY! UNTHINKABLE!

Or, a completely tone deaf/ham-handed misplay. You decide.

Rollins follows up back in the ring, with a flying knee, for a near fall. Enzuigiri drops Orton again, and Rollins tries for the Curb Stomp, but Orton catches him coming off the ropes with the big Pendulum Power Slam.

Hanging DDT hits this time, and Orton drops down and coils for the RKO... but as soon as he approaches, Rollins surprises him with a backslide.... for the three count!

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via pinfall, in 10 minutes. Really too short to convey the story they intended; you can't have HHH and the announcers acting like this was an unexpected and unparalleled display of brutality, and then have the match come in under 10 minutes (3 of them during an ad break). Nobody's gonna buy that; well, except the young and the pitiably weak-minded. At the end of the day, WWE's presentation can enhance and augment what's happening, but it can't CHANGE what's on the screen, nor the fact that drama and tension is what WE say they are, not what THEY claim.

Anyway, the two had some nice spots, but it was unable to avoid the conclusion that this was an appetizer, and not even close to a main course. That was an issue. But I'll be happy to admit that the ending was delightfully clean and surprising. So that's something.

After the Match: the Stooges and Kane get in the ring and encourage Orton to shake Rollins hand and make up. Orton doesn't really want to, though, and even asks HHH to get a pass. "Seriously? I have to do this? What would YOU do?" And HHH still says he's gotta do it.

Handshake for the Stooges. A pregnant pause, and Kane gets a handshake, too. But then Rollins is just a little too smarmy on insisting that they bury the hatchet (now that he's the winner)... and as a result, Orton gives him a handshake...

And an RKO out of nowhere.

The Stooges and Kane try to make the save, but get their asses kicked. Orton turns back to Rollins, and sets up for the Punt. And HHH finally steps in between, and that's enough to give Orton pause. He steps back, out of respect, and listens to HHH talk him down.

It seems to be working, and Orton turns to leave... but then turns around and tackles Triple H. Welp, so much for milking this to Survivor Series... looks like Orton's taking his break a couple weeks earlier than required (he's making a new WWE Film, and was already scheduled to be off from after Survivor Series through the end of the year)...

And on that note: Kane and the Stooges swarm, and even HHH joins in a bit. Orton fights the good fight against them, but as soon as Rollins comes around and joins it, it's all over.

Orton gets Curb Stomped through the announce table. But that's not a write-out.

Steph demands that they "finish it." Triple H is conflicted, but finally signs off and gives the order. He also walks away so he doesn't have to watch... and that's when Rollins curb stomps Orton into the ring steps.

Well, kinda; it wound up looking like Orton's shoulder got Curb Stomped into the steel, but his head collided viciously with thin air. D'oh. Regardless, they'll fix that on all future replays and that IS a perfectly good write out. So we fade to black on Seth Rollins standing tall over Orton, mocking Orton's Pose of Ultimate Douchebaggery.

And so ends the show... and even if I hadn't known Vince was in full-on freak-out mode ahead of time -- the show was largely rewritten starting on Sunday night, and was not complete as of 5pm -- I'd have been able to tell something was off after watching those 3 hours.

But I guess I won't bitch about it too much, because it turned out to be a pretty eventful show, regardless of issues with narrative consistency, and was more than likely more top-to-bottom exciting than whatever had been previously planned. Sometimes, the full on Spazzy Vince causes a show to stink out loud, because (a) he's good at shitting on existing ideas, but increasing worse at having good ideas of his own and (b) the writers aren't as capable/confident in terms of working for such a boss as they could be, because they want to keep their jobs. But tonight wasn't too hateful.

The obvious areas where the late re-write were visible: (1) Show/Henry being given away with no hype, which is OK with me since it wraps them into the 5-on-5, and not taking up a singles slot at the PPV... (2) all the double duty, which facilitated a cheap sign-up stunt for the Network (instead of just doing Sheamus/Rusev on RAW, and skipping the two throwaway matches; and yes, even Kidd's win is retroactively useless now that Sheamus doesn't have a title); this one will comes down to "did it work?" because to me, you really do just do the match on RAW if you want it to make an impact, but if even one-quarter of RAW's audience somehow watches the Rusev/Sheamus match, that's a huge win for WWE and would only happen thanks to a lot of Impulse Sign-ups... (3) the sudden write-out of Orton, who had been on the books through Survivor Series before disappearing to film "The Condemned 2," but something obviously changed on that front (whether pre-production requirements, or somebody deciding there was a better creative way to do his write out than waiting for the PPV)... and finally (4) Cena's absence, which was never intended, as he was in all advertising/hype/planning, and only removed earlier in the day on Monday... his absence must foreshadow a major recruitment trip, otherwise, he just looks like a damned sissy... but at this point, he might not even need another recruit, as there are five guys in play...

But I guess one or more of them could be red herrings... and obvisouly, Orton's write out opens the door for shuffling the line-ups hinted at tonight... I think with Orton out, you also keep Sheamus/Rusev out of it to do their own title match at Survivor Series (Lana's polite brush off of Steph certainly makes that a possibility; Rusev is not gonna play nice with ANY Americans, not even evil ones)... and that give us LOTS of room for fun over the next 3 weeks before finalizing the line-up...

I mean, just Orton going down opens the door for HHH to have to say "Dammit, I'll have to do this myself," and if he's on Team Authority, Cena's Mystery Recruit could be almost anyone... a stunt-casting gig to rival HHH's own rarity... [I revealed my inane fanboy notion in the forums, if you care, but I mostly did it as a joke to stir the pot and insure everybody got their hopes up, so I could laugh at them for being so easily led. That said, now that HHH really MIGHT have to step in, I almost want to be that easily led my own self.]

Anyway, no matches broke through to "youtube-worthy," but several were pretty good, and kept the ball rolling so the show never dragged... add in some decent swerves and storyline developments (including a very effective main event segment that strengthens Rollins even more, while giving Babyface Orton all the traction he could hope for once he returns), and that's nothing to sneeze at.

Let's go ahead and call it a solid B grade, with my snarky complaints about the continuity/logic issues offset by a strong "final taste."

BUT WAIT, it's not quite the Final Taste... it's time for bOOnus cOOverage!

SHEAMUS vs. RUSEV (US Title Match Exclusively on Not-TV)

Full boxing style ring intros, so they're at least giving the appearance on making this a hoop-worth-jumping-through for fans, not just having it be a cheap sign-up stunt.

Power vs. power feeling out to start. While they're going back and forth, Cole has an interesting note: Rusev hasn't been pinned or made to submit in his tenure so far in WWE... but in over 5 years, Sheamus has NEVER SUBMITTED.

Part of me thinks "That can't be right." But then the rest of me can't think of a single time he has tapped, so... interesting, given that Rusev's finish is a submission.

Very brawly opening finally favors Sheamus, who goes for the Ten of Clubs... but only gets three of them in before Rusev fights out. Sheamus tries to bring it back around by using a series of headbutts, but Rusev gets separation and keeps it, dropping down to the floor.

Sheamus decides to bust out his flying shoulderblock, but Rusev catches him in mid-air and turns it into a thudding powerslam on the floor. Ouch.

Heel beatdown commences, and it should be noted that the crowd seems rather muted... the closing RAW angle is of the type that would obviously have that effect; WWE can't pretend to be surprised by the shitty atmosphere, here.

Rusev uses a bunch of mat-based control holds (OK, a fancy way of saying "rest hold"), punctuated with his impressive kicks any time Sheamus manages to escape one. That lasts 3 minutes or so, until Sheamus escapes one, and counters one of Rusev's kicks by dropping him with a slam.

Both men down. Ref applies a count. Both men up at 6, and fists start flying. Sheamus wins the exchange, and then fires up all the way, with running shoulder blocks, running knee lifts, big Irish Hammers... and then, the Ten of Clubs. All 10 this time.

Slingshot battering ram hits, and gets the first near fall of the match.

But then his first attempt at a Brogue Kick whiffs, and Rusev catches him with a big throw; kind of a head and leg suplex. Near fall. Then some more stomps on the back to soften up Sheamus, and Rusev goes for the Camel Clutch.

But he can only cinch one arm at a time, and Sheamus powers out and hits a White Noise as soon as he gets to his feet. Only a two.

It's all of 8 minutes into the match, but Sheamus and Rusev are selling it like it's 20, and that does get on my nerves, but whatever: it's the story they are telling as both men are slow to get to their feet to continue.

Finally, Sheamus is first up, and tries another Brogue... and crotches himself over the top rope when Rusev dodges. Rusev with a stiff-ass savate kick to Sheamus' face while he's struggling to get off the ropes.

And then the Camel Clutch is cinched in good and tight. And Sheamus doesn't submit, but he does pass out.

Your Winner, and NEW US Champion: Rusev, via submission, in 10 minutes. Some good hard-hitting stuff, and the atmosphere did pick up a bit towards the end... but still nothing that'll get people talking in terms of "Hey, you got to see this" match quality. There's a whole lot more these two could do to wow us.

Now, whether the OUTCOME (hotshotting the belt onto Rusev 3 weeks sooner than planned, and not on TV) gets people talking -- and whether its positive talk -- could be another thing, but I'm not in position to make that call just yet. That's up for y'all to decide and me to absorb and report on later.

And on that note, Rusev celebrates his newfoud gold as we refade to black.

And so ends the post-show. No real reason to ramble much longer, since the entire post-show was that match, and I've already expertly assessed it as "OK, but with plenty of room to grow." The story is Rusev has the US Title -- which isn't so much a story, as it seemed an inevitablity come Survivor Series -- just a bit sooner than we thought.

OO does approve of that, as OO's only been calling for it since approximately July. But now it's here, and let's see if WWE can do the rest of what OO called for: keep the belt on Rusev till WrestleMania, before having somebody special step up to end the horror.

So actually, I guess that's a fitting tag ending tonight. A B-grade bonus to a B-grade show.

See you next Monday, kids!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.