OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Fast Lane to Fast Lane
February 9, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So, for the time being, I'm living in Fort Worth, TX, to help out in the recovery of my little brother, who was injured in a car wreck back in December.

And he just got transfered over to Dallas, and Baylor's nationally-ranked rehab facility, to help deal with his distressingly not-improving brain injury. And as a result, I've grown REALLY distressed by the awfulness of Texas drivers. Well, Metroplex drivers.

I'm used to a certain percentage of terrible drivers on the highways. But whether it's on the I-30 route or the northerly 183 route, regardless of time of day, the simple fact is that, once every few miles on this daily commute, I witness some act of drivingsmanship that is plain, objective evidence that Texas is allowing unqualified drivers onto the roads. And then, not disciplining them.

Both sorts of inept driving are on display. Both the kind of stupid incompetence where no halfway responsible government agency should have issued a license, and the kind of self-centered recklessness that should result in arrests. Jerks doing 90 in a 65, and then weaving randomly between left passes and right passes. Morons lacking a basic understanding of merging techniques. Rednecks towing a lawn equipment on a trailer with no brake lights on the trailer, all while speeding and weaving, at night. And many many more, each more unfathomable than the last. And I'm seeing dozens of these per round trip to Dallas. It boggles my mind.

Making matters worse, this abudence of dipshit driving and asshole driving are ubiquitous, and I might see one car pulled over every third round trip. How does that happen? It's like state-sanctioned putting-others-lives-at-risk.

Insert your own Texas and Gun Control Laws joke here.

But I'm serious. Idiot drivers are everywhere, and are going unpoliced, making the world a less safe place.

And the punchline: somehow, Texas police saw fit to pull me over for a speeding ticket, which was for 7 over, in broad daylight, in light traffic, where I wasn't within 100 yards of any other car. Not me SAYING it was 7 over, despite a radar reading that disagrees, either. The cop actually printed out a ticket which read "72 in a 65mph (10% over the limit)" and I'm out 200 bucks, despite being, demonstrably, among the top one tenth of one percent of safest drivers in the state. I have to assume it's because I'm driving a car with plates that prove I'm not from this state, and somehow, that makes me a more attractive target than -- you know? -- the actual wrongdoers.

And the punchline to the punchline: in the eyes of Texas law, I'm now EXACTLY as guilty as the guy who almost killed my brother, and has left him (2 months after the fact) with an abudence of irrational mood swings and a complete dearth of short-term memory. That's right: the guy who swerved into oncoming traffic, claiming it was to make a pass on a wide open stretch of road with great visibility, and who rammed his truck into my brother's car, has only been given a traffic ticket for insufficient passing distance.

Well, so far. But the mere fact that this is how justice is initially meted out in this state means you need to get your shit together, Texas.

But I digress. I'll just make sure to be even more vigilant than usual for my daily commute over to check up on my brother, never setting the cruise for more than 5mph over (hey, it's less than 10% that way!), and marveling at the asshat behavior going on around me, with no sign of law enforcement.

Also, I will move on to the reason why you're here. This is what happened on tonight's just-completed edition of RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS MY BIGGER ENEMY

And then we cut, live, to the inside of the Nationwide Arena in Columbus, OH, where Roman Reigns is already on his way to the ring. Cole & The Gang narrate even MORE recap, so that, at the 7 minute mark, we've only seen about 30 seconds of actual new footage. That's probably a little much.

When Reigns begins speaking, he is getting a pretty healthy percentage of boos, maybe 35% or so (or a VERY vocal 25%). Reigns makes matters worse by painting the word picture that he believes will play out over the next 2 months, including beating Daniel Bryan, and then winning the WWE Title from Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. His final line: "I don't care who it is, anyone who gets in my way, I gotta Spear with your name on it."

Enter Daniel Bryan, who is facing Reigns at Fast Lane, with the WrestleMania title shot on the line. Reigns is looking a little salty, but Bryan assures him, he's not here to fight... he's here to thank Reigns.

Reigns came out and stopped the Big Show from assisting Seth Rollins, and as a result, Bryan was able to get the win, and now he has an opportunity to headline WM31. So Bryan wants to repay Reigns.

At Fast Lane, Bryan will give Reigns a massive opportunity: sure, Reigns is bigger, and he is stronger.... and looks? Well, lets just agree that's about even. But Bryan is by far, and indisputably, the better WRESTLER. This is Reigns' chance to show what he can do inside the ring, and....

And here comes the Authority. Flanking Triple H and Stephanie are Big Show and Kane, so I think I see where this is headed...

But before we get the inevitable announcement, HHH wants to address Sting. HHH has invited Sting to Fast Lane, and he still hasn't heard back, so HHH insists that Sting RSVP before the show is over. Or else.

Steph takes over, and steers us into more predictable territory, rehashing how Reigns has besmirched Show (last week's Spear) and how Bryan has committed atrocities against Kane (by beating him three times in the past few weeks, including putting Kane in a casket).

Bryan's rebuttal is gold, "Uhhh, you're the one who made that stipulation, so logic. Also, given what your husband has done inside caskets, you guys shouldn't have a problem with that." The very mild oohhhhhs indicate about 15% of the present day WWE audience gets that one. But I'm one of those, and I LOL'd.

Steph says hardy har har, we can make all the jokes we want, but let's get down to business. She runs down a whole stilted diatribe (seriously, so ham-handed and over-written) before announcing Big Show and Kane vs. Bryan and Reigns. And it's happening right now.

Like I said, it was bludgeoningly obvious, and Steph's completely unrealistic choice of verbiage didn't help, but I'll look the other way, thanks to Bryan's zinger.

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DANIEL BRYAN & ROMAN REIGNS vs. BIG SHOW & KANE (w/ Triple H and Steph)

The Authority have taken seats at ringside to watch the carnage. The bell rings, and almost immediately, Bryan dominates Kane, and hits a Flying Goat Dive. Reigns tags in, and wins the battle of fisticuffs, ending with a flying clothesline.

But then Big Show tags in, and it's a much more even fight for a minute or so. Reigns hits a DDT for the night's first near fall, but Show no sells a headbutt, and Reigns finds himself trapped in the enemy corner.

For a couple minutes, Reigns is your Decoy Face in Peril, before getting separation, and tagging in Bryan.

Bryan's red hot, chopping Big Show down to size, and hitting the full array of YES! Kicks (including the step-back, wind-up one). Show rolls outside, and Bryan goes up top, going for a flying crossbody to the floor. But Kane steps in, and together, the two giants catch Bryan, and slam him into the apron.

And now, we've got our genuine Face in Peril. We'll pick up his plight after these...

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Back, and Show's working a chinlock. When Bryan hope spots his way out of that, Kane tags in and goes for the equally unthrilling bearhug. Bryan manages an escape and another hope spot, so Big Show tags back in, and employs bully-style offense, just using his size and jerkishly destroy Bryan.

But Big Show gets cocky, and goes up to the second rope for the VaderBomb Elbow. Bryan gets out of the way, and Show lands hard. Bryan starts crawling to his corner, while Kane tags in. Kane runs across and knocks Reigns off the apron, breaking up any potential tag.

When Kane turns his attention back to Bryan, he calls for a chokeslam, but Bryan picks the ankle and cinches in the YES! Lock. Big Show reaches up and yanks Bryan out of the ring, and then chucks him into the timekeeper's cubicle.

In and off itself, I'd have been happy to take that spot, as landing in Lilian's lap is never a bad thing, and tonight, it's even a better thing, because she is rocking an absolutely outstanding dress. But then, when Show started using steel chairs and whatnot, I'm thinking I'll just OOgle Lilian from a safe distance.

Also, the ref had to call for the bell.

Your Winners: Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns, via disqualification, in about 12 minutes. Pure connect-the-dots tag formula, but done competently and by characters who are very much over with the fans, so nothing to complain about, here.

After the Match: Reigns came to the rescue, and used the chair on Show. Show powdered out, and Kane blindsided Reigns. Kane backed him into a corner, and then spotted Bryan coming up from behind, intending to dropkick him (Kane).

So Kane moved, and the dropkick hit Reigns. Whoops.

Bryan is apologetic, but Reigns is pissed, and shoves Bryan to the mat.

At this point, HHH starts chuckling and grabs a mic. He says he just LOVES the teamwork. He likes it so much, he wants to see more of it. So later tonight, in the main event, Bryan and Reigns will get another chance... against Big Show, Kane, Noble, Mercury, and Seth Rollins, in a 5-on-2 handicap match.

Rollins (flanked by J&J) makes a grand entrance to join them on the stage, and to taunt their overmatched foes.

Hey, when all else fails, book Daniel Bryan to wrestle twice on the same show. I will take it!

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RYBACK vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/ The New Stooges)

So Rollins just stuck around, I guess. And hey, Seth Rollins wrestling twice on the same show? I'll take THAT, too!

Powerful start by Ryback, but about 90 seconds in, Rollins drops him out of the ring and distracts the ref while J&J go to town. They toss Ryback back into the ring, where Rollins is ready and waiting to administer a beatdown.

When Ryback powers out of a front face lock and threatens to rally, J&J swarm, and once again, we the ref has to call for the bell.

Your Winner: Ryback, via Disqualification, in 4 minutes. Nothing to see here, it's just a segment to underscore the Authority's abuse of handicap situations, which is a valid move, since it provides context for tonight's main event.

After the Match: the 3-on-1 continued until Ryback ate a Curb Stomp. I figure this creates a situation where Ryback may get involved in said main event, to help even the odds... but that would still only be 3-on-5. I wonder who else might have a beef with Rollins & Co.? No, I don't. I knonw who does. But I got burned the last time I just assumed he was returning (and Sting showed up in his place), so I won't make the same mistake of mentioning him by name twice....

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Returning Soon: Sheamus. He gets a fancy vignette that is all business and ass-kicking, no comedy. Which is how Sheamus should be.

PAIGE vs. BRIE BELLA (w/ Nikki)

Now that Paige is the #1 Contender to Nikki's title, Brie's running a little intererence for her sister, I guess.

Actually a pretty good match, here, although the crowd was slow to warm up to it. But they came around, thanks to Brie's effective heel beatdown, which paired a convincing offense with bitchy trashtalk and mannerisms.

Paige started a comeback, and Nikki hopped up on the apron, intending to hit Paige with the title belt... but instead, Paige reversed it, and Brie collided with her sister. One RamPaige later, and it's all over.

Your Winner: Paige, via pinfall, in 5 minutes. Nothing really special, but a very serviceable match that also furthers a compelling storyline. That's something that's not very common in the women's division.

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THE RUSSIANS HAVE A STRANGE WAY OF SHOWING RESPECT

Rusev and Lana are purportedly here to "pay their respects" to John Cena. Lana starts off in that vein, talking about how, no matter what misconceptions are out there, Rusev is very honored to face a warrior like John Cena at Fast Lane.

His never say die attitude is truly remarkable, so she and Rusev want to pay tribute. She shoots it up to a video package. It starts off as a typical fluffy/tongue-bath sort of hype package... but then some video static kicks in, and it morphs into a reel of Cena's worst bumps and humiliations (capped with Lesnar kicking his ass).

Lana says 13 years is a long time, and that Cena may look stronger than ever, but on the inside, he's vulnerable... he's just waiting for his final humiliation.

Rusev takes the mic and says he'll be happy to provide Cena's final beating. Cena is no longer the young, tough man, full of ruthless agression. His fighting spirit has left him, and he is weak. At Fast Lane, Rusev will break his body, and crush his spirit, and....

And then Cena decides to come on out to offer a dissenting viewpoint.

He stands on the stage, and is sporting a pretty wicked black eye. Something must have gone awry at a house show. Cena says it sounds like Rusev and Lana have this one already marked down as a win for Rusev. So if Rusev's so unbeatable, and if Cena's such an easy mark, then why even have the match?

Well, it's simple: because they can show all the propaganda they want, but Cena has gotten back up every time, and that's no propaganda, that's fact. So yes, Rusev is a super athlete, and we all know it. But Fast Lane, we find out if Rusev is tough enough to hang with John Cena.

Rusev grabs the mic, and says he's not scared of Cena. At Fast Lane, Rusev will crush him. Cena responds, "Well, OK, so you got the trashtalk. Too bad Lana's the one with the balls." This sends Rusev into a rage, and he starts heading up the ramp.

Cena starts heading down the ramp.

They meet halfway, and throw punches. Rusev gets the better of it, and punctuates the brief brawl with a stiff suplex onto the steel stage. Cena's curled up in a ball, and hat's off for going all in on the "Cena is old and washed up" rhetoric. I'm sure he'll come out on top in the end, but in the meantime, this is a hell of an effective way to create a sense of tension. For the first time ever, WWE is acknowledging a chink in the armor of their golden boy.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. BRAY WYATT

Rematch from last Monday, when Wyatt got the clean win.

Back and forth feeling-out/chain-wrestling to start, and the fans fire up dueling "Let's Go, Ziggler"/"Let's Go, Wyatt" chants, same as last week. And just like last week, I'll joke that some fans are probably chanting BOTH lines, because that's what I would have done.

Ziggler finally gets the advantage, and dropkicks Wyatt out of the ring. With a break in the action, we break for...

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Back, and we get a clip of Ziggler following Wyatt out of the ring, where Wyatt turned the tables and rammed Ziggler into the steel ring steps. Now, in real time, Wyatt's cinched in a chinlock. Also, he's sporting a bloody nose, a result of the pre-commercial dropkick.

Ziggler fires up, escaping the chinlock, but on the criss-cross, Wyatt cuts him in half with his low-crossbody tackle. Back to the methodical beatdown.

Ziggler fires up again, and this time, he gets some traction. It builds up to a huge implant DDT, for Ziggler's first near fall. Ziggler can't follow up immediately, and when he does get around to trying a Fameasser, Wyatt catches him, and sets up for the Sister Abigail.

Ziggler escapes out the back door and hits the Fameasser. Then he nails a superkick, for a very convincing near fall.

Wyatt has the werewithal to roll out of the ring, creating another delay in Ziggler's follow up. When Ziggler does follow, Dolph charges, but runs right into a vicious clothesline. Dolph is deadweight as Wyatt hoists him back into the ring.

Bray does his upside down taunt/spiderwalk, and when he gets to Ziggler, he nails the Sister Abigail.

Your Winner: Bray Wyatt, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Pretty solid, but if given the full greenlight, these two would deliver SO much better. Instead, this was every bit as perfunctory and decisive as last week, for the purposes of building up Wyatt as an opponent for the Undertaker. This match was not serving the gods of workrate and excitement, it was serving another purpose. Still nothing to sneeze at, though, either.

Black History Month: WWE honors the Junkyard Dog.

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THE CHAMP IS HERE (DOING NOTHING)

Hey, looky, Brock Lesnar's here. His next match isn't for 7 weeks, so marvel at his dedication and generosity! Blessing us with his presence when he could easily be resting up.

Paul Heyman declares that he's been authorized to make the following comments on behalf of the reigning, undisputed, undefeated, blah blah blah... he gets to the point, which is that society has devolved to the point where it craves disinformation.

Just look at the nation's must trusted newsman, Brian Williams, who is guilty of -- at best -- embellishing a story, and -- at worst -- lying. But no matter how bad he is, he's still a distant third place in the battle for speaking falsehoods.

He's behind Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan, both of whom are presenting a narrative where they think they can beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title.

Reigns? Sure Reigns has the look, and he has the herritage. But he's still a greenhorn in this business, and when Reigns and Lesnar went nose to nose two weeks ago, Heyman was 2 feet away, and saw the fear and doubt in Reigns' eyes. He also implies that Reigns peed his pants that night.

Bryan? Bryan just doesn't match-up, physically. He's just overmatched to the degree that all his wrestling skill, all his in-ring ability -- which Heyman grants is unparalled -- and even all his luck ("That guy has pulled more miracles out of his tookis [toukis? toukas? it's yiddish for butt] than anyone else I've ever seen"), are any of you out there really convinced he's the one who's gonna be the one who put the one in 21-and-1?

The crowd erupts with mostly YES! chants. Inexplicably, there's a palpable anti-Bryan vibe, here. There kinda was in the opening verbal confrontation with Reigns, too. I'm so ashamed of my adopted home state...

Heyman bottom lines it: it doesn't matter who wins at Fast Lane. If it's Reigns, if it's Bryan, they will be subject to the same one-sided thrashing at WrestleMania, at the hands of the undefeated, undisputed yadda yadda yadda.

Once again, Heyman proves he is very excellent at talking. But if WWE's so stingy paying for Lesnar making appearances (and they are, since they opted to give him over 3 months off last fall), it's really hard to understand why they paid for him to stand there and do nothing. I sure as hell hope there's more... or that Lesnar decided to give them a freebie.

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THE NEW DAY vs. GOLDUST/STARDUST

The New Day's new spoken word intro seems a bit heelish, and generates zero response. It'll be Kofi and Big E (with Woods sitting out). Make a note of it.

Stardust starts, and does OK, then tags Goldust in. As soon as Goldust starts getting his ass handed to him, Cody walks out on him. When Goldust turns to yell at him, he's hit with a quickie roll-up.

Your Winners: the New Day, via pinfall, in 1 minute. And so the meltdown continues...

Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Daniel Bryan. She wants to know if he and Roman Reigns can co-exist as a team... Bryan says Sure they can, because he totally understands why Reigns reacted the way he did, in the heat of the moment. Then Reigns pops in from behind and says he agrees. They have a common enemy tonight, and only if they survive together, will they make it to Fast Lane. Believe that.

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Backstage: just like last week, Stardust is pacing, and Goldust walks up. This time, Goldust is not mincing any words, "This is getting out of hand. This isn't Goldust talking. This is Dustin, and you're my brother, Cody..." At that, Cody shoves his brother to the ground, and hisses, "Don't ever call me that! Cody. Is. Dead." And he walks away, leaving Dustin looking confused and sad.

RESPONDEZ SI VOUS PLAIT

Triple H is in the ring, and says he's lived and breathed WWE for 20 years. This is his turf. Meantime, Sting spent his entire career working somewhere else, never showing any interest in offers to come to WWE.

And then, 14 years after the demise of WCW, Sting decides to show his face in WWE, but he did it uninvited. And that's wrong.

So HHH has invited Sting to Fast Lane to talk this out. And after two weeks with no response to that invitation, HHH wants an answer, and he wants it now.

The lights go out, and a crow calls out. A spotlight flashes on one part of the arena. No Sting. Then the sequence repeats. And a third time.

Then a video package plays, ominously featuring HHH's challenge, but with an added translucent layer creating the illusion of HHH wearing Sting's face paint.

Then a fourth crow call, and another spotlight. This time, it's pointed to one side of the ring, and Not Sting is standing there (it's a big dude in the facepaint, but obviously wearing a wig). HHH turns around, sees it, and stumbles back, falling on his ass.

The Tron fires up again, this time, an animation that says "I Accept." Meantime, the Not Sting has vanished, and HHH is all flustered. But he got his answer.

The crowd is definitely happy about this, but once again, there's an undertone of annoyed murmuring, because really, how lame is it that WWE actually thought they could get away with teasing Sting, and then sending some jackwagon out there in a wig? Sure, the idea is that it's just a "messanger" for Sting, but the grumbling should have been EASILY predicted by the creative team, and it should have been reworked.

Then again, this is the same company that didn't see the mutiny at the Rumble coming from a mile away, even if we all did.

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THE USOS (w/Naomi) vs. CESARO/TYSON KIDD (w/ Nattie) (Non-Title Match)

This feud has been brewing, in the form of singles matches and really stupid E Network-y garbage. But now, they finally hook up a tag match. FWIW, no signs of the "Brass Ring Club" team name for Cesaro and Kidd that they've been sporting on house shows.

Fast start for the Usos, leading up to an attempted plancha by Jimmy... but Kidd has an impressive flippy counter, in which he hooks JImmy under the arms, and flips him out of the ring.

Both guys land hard, both women come over to check on their men, and we break for...

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Back, and we see both men down, and both crawling for their respective corners. Kidd gets to his, and Cesaro stops Jimmy before he can get to his. The heel beatdown continues, and intesifies, because Cesaro is a stiff-ass bastard.

But all good things must end, and Jimmy got separation after hitting Cesaro with a step-through enzuigiri. Kidd in on the corresponding move.

Jey goes to town, tying Kidd to the tree of woe and then hitting a running headbutt drop. He goes for the corner butt splash (FORESHADOWING!), rolls out of the way. Great complex spot where Kidd (outside the ring, on the apron) catches Jey with a punch, and then, as Jimmy gets a running start, intending to tackle Kidd off the apron, Kidd ducks, and Jimmy dives out of the ring, where he is greeted by a mid-air uppercut from Cesaro. Then, the icing on the cake has Kidd go for a springboard move onto Jey, but Jey catches him in mid-air with a superkick for a SUPER convincing near fall and one of the loudest reactions of the night from the audience.

Jey tries for another corner butt splash (man, they are dead set on hitting that tonight! I wonder why?), but Cesaro pulls Kidd to safety. Jimmy comes over and breaks that up, and the two start brawling outside the ring.

Jey hits a superkick on Kidd, and goes up top for the Superfly Splash... but at this point, Cesaro wins the brawl, and tosses Jimmy back into the ring. The ref is distracted, as he wants Jimmy out of the ring... so Cesaro is able to reach up and shove Jey off the top rope.

Kidd is right there to clean up the mess, rolling Jey up for a quick pin.

Your Winners: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Good stuff, and all the evidence I need to present is the fact that once those super complicated (but beautifully conceived) final spots kicked in, the audience was red hot, even moreso than they were at any point for Ziggler and Wyatt.

Hall of Fame: the next inductee for the class of 2015 is Rikishi, who is the Usos' dad, and the innovated of doing butt stuff in the corner. So that explains that. I hate to be the spoilsport, but as Rikishi, he's fringe at best. But if Ko Ko B. Ware is in, then why not Rikishi. Plus, if you acknowledge his pre-Rikishi/WCW/tag team work (WWE did not), his resume gets better. After the video package, the Usos are still inthe ring, and celebrate their dad's induction.

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On Wednesday: NXT is presenting one of their quarterly "free-per-view" events. Well, normally, you have to pay NINE NINETY NINE, but this month, the WWE Network is free to new subscribers. And given that NXT's live events were among WWE's best major shows in 2014, what's your excuse for missing NXT's first 2015 entry?

SIN CARA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW (w/ Miz)

Sin Cara is challenging for the NXT Tag Titles on Wednesday, but no mention of that. Huh. I guess they don't want to publicize the times when main roster guys go to NXT to slum it?

Last Monday, Sin Cara pinned Miz, so now Miz is siccing Sandow on him. When Sandow continued mimicking Miz, Miz grabbed a mic and told him, "One, you're doing it wrong. And two, you're no longer my stunt double, so cut it out and start the match."

The fans are very happy to see Sandow getting to wrestle, and fire up a mighty "Let's Go, Mizdow" chant. This seems to irritate Miz, and as soon as Sandow is clearly in control, Miz pipes up, "Uhh, Mizdow, I'm thirsty. Fetch me a water." So Sandow does, and tries to get back to the match. "Uhhh, Mizdow, this water won't open itself." So Sandow grudgingly goes back to unscrew the bottle.

And then, Sin Cara catches him with a big plancha. So Miz deadpans, "Uhhh, Mizdow, keep your eyes on your opponent." Sin Cara starts up a reverse psychology "face beatdown," while the fans try to rally Sandow.

Then, they decide to get on Miz by chanting "YER FROM CLEVE LAND" at him, because honestly: Cleveland, everybody. But Miz just fires back, "Yeah, but you're from Columbus." And everybody boos.

When Sandow makes a comeback, he uses Miz's neckbreaker/backbreaker combo, to huge cheers. But when Sandow starts to go for the Figure Four, Miz gets up on the apron, and tells Sandow to stop, because the Figure Four is the move HE made famous (I assume Ric Flair might have something to say about that). So cut it out, and come up with your own moves.

Sin Cara gets the cheap roll-up and that's that.

Your Winner: Sin Cara, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Not much of a match, but still amusing, and it advances the story of their break up. Also, for the first time, I think I have an idea for Sandow's next play. "Nature Boy" Damien Sandow, anyone? Not that he needs anyone to do his talking, but Flair as a manager gives him instant credibility, and being given permission to become the next Nature Boy allows Sandow to replicate his "mirroring" schtick, but in a less comedic/over-the-top fashion.

Pregnant Belly Freeze Frame: Bray Wyatt is in his lair, and he has another less-than-subtle challenge to the Undertaker. "For millenia, men have wondered, what happens when we die?" Men of science have one idea, but men of faith have another. But speaking directly to a specific-but-unnamed person, he says, "But for us, the different ones, we have a very unique perspective. For us, this world is our hell, and death is our release. And I will be the one to release you. Find me. FIND! ME!"

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. CURTIS AXEL

Before the match, Axel once again asserts that he never lost the Royal Rumble, so we should all rally behind AxelMania. Good luck with that, kid.

Then Ambrose shows up, and we're all adults here, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

After the Match: Ambrose got on the mic, and reiterated his interest in the IC Title. Nay, strike that, his unquenched thirst and LUST for the IC Title held by Wade Barrett, a man who Ambrose beat in a non-title match.

Then Barrett pops up on the tron, for another edition of "BMZ" (Bad News Zone, a TMZ rip-off)... the bad news in this case is that no matter what Ambrose wants, it's clear to Barrett that Ambrose is a pretender, not a contender, so it doesn't matter what he wants. There will be no title shot.

Why do I suspect that a whackjob like Ambrose will have no trouble coming up with some crazy scheme to get what he wants? And why do I suspect this could lead to the IC Title being the real winner, thanks to being featured in an actually important match at WrestleMania for the first time since the Attitude Era?

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DANIEL BRYAN & ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS, BIG SHOW, KANE, JAMIE NOBLE, & JOEY MERCURY (Handicap Match)

With time running short (it's already 9:56pm, Central), all the heels enter together, to Rollins' music.

And then, all 5 attack at the same time, before the bell even rings... they dominate, and send Reigns flying out over the top, leaving Bryan in a heap on the mat.

The ref "restores order" by getting four of the heels out of the ring, and then rings the bell to officially start the match at 9:57. Bryan's the face in peril, and the three credible heels pass him around like a Kardashian in an NBA lockerroom.

But then, the New Stooges decide they want in. Noble does a decent job for a bit, but then Bryan dodges a corner charge, and starts going to town. When Noble is able to fashion an escape, he makes the mistake of tagging in Mercury, who instantly ends up in the YES! Lock.

Rollins makes the save, and then Kane tags in, ending Bryan's little flurry of offense.

It leads to Kane hitting a chokeslam, requiring Reigns to come in for the save. It turns into a Pier 8 Brawl, and in it, the Stooges restrain Reigns so Show can hit the WMD. No more Reigns.

Rollins calls for the tag, and hits his turnbuckle assist powerbomb. Bryan kicks out at 2. Rollins decides he doesn't just want to win, he wants to finish Bryan for good. He gives some orders, and his partners clear the announce table, so that he and the Stooges can hit the Triple Powerbomb.

But before they can hit it, Ryback/Ziggler/Rowan all come down to make the save. This causes Rollins, Show, and Kane to head up the ramp to deal with those three. Bryan is left alone with the Stooges. He fires up, hitting a double missile dropkick on them. Then YES! Kicks all around!

It should be noted that the anti-Bryan vibe that was present earlier is dead and gone.

And then, when Bryan is lining up for the Aberdeen Facebuster Knee, Reigns tags himself into the ring, and hits Mercury with a Spear. It's over.

Your Winners: Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan, via pinfall, in 8 minutes. Another case of a match that's about a story and not about the action, but it's also another case where it did what it wanted to in effective fashion. And also, I'm so glad I didn't mention that one "obvious" run-in guy's name, because he once again didn't bother showing up, despite working house shows this weekend. They let the Team Cena Three handle those duties, instead.

After the Match: Bryan was understandably upset by Reign's complete dick move. After all, Bryan did 90% of the work, while Reigns was laying on the mat oustide the ring. So Reigns just smirks and shoves him down again, this time HARD. Bryan is actually shaken up by it, and the crowd (with the exception of a small pocket of choads in the front row) turns equally hard on Reigns. I wonder if that's what they were going for, of if they thought it would be more 50/50?

Backstage, we see Hunter and Steph watching on a monitor, and despite their team losing, they seem happy with the end result. I'm not sure why, but that's what we see as we fade to black....

And so ends the show... and I had a pretty good time with it.

There were two missteps that were more nitpicking than legit gripes... one was Lesnar doing nothing. Seriously, the whole partially-valid justification for Brock's absenteeism is the fact that when he shows up, big stuff happens. This is the second time in two months where WWE paid him to show up and do nothing, and not only does it seem like a waste of money, it also lessens Lesnar's "big event" mystique. Then again, he's gone after WM, so maybe WWE doesn't care about mystique?

The second was the cheesy Fake Sting deal, which WWE should have easily predicted flopping, and reworked. Then again, they can cut and edit it, so it'll still look good in video packages, so maybe they didn't care how a live audience would react?

But aside from that, you had matches that were either pretty solid, that advanced storylines in a compelling way, or both at the same time. That, my friends, is the very definition of Susatinable Episodic Television.

The surprising match of the night was the Usos vs. Cesaro/Kidd, and that, too, is a good sign of what those four might do when given the full green light on a PPV stage..

Good times. The lack of any real awesome youtube-worthy signature moments/matches means a very tippy top grade are off the table, but I have no problems handing out a B-plus for tonight's show.

See you again in 7, OO Nation. Assuming I don't get killed by shitty Texas drivers, or imprisoned for driving 8 miles over the limit in a car with out-of-state plates.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.