OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Seth Rollins' Big Night
March 2, 1015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

I wouldn't be me if I didn't make some mention of Leonard Nimoy's death... my dad got me into syndicated Star Trek reruns when I was little, and even though I came to appreciate other characters over time (Kirk's horniness, McCoy's snarkiness, especially), Spock was always the most interesting character on the show.

And that wasn't by accident.

It's sad that Nimoy is dead, but one good thing that came ofit is that the press went to great lengths to present just how integral he was to creating Spock. Gene Roddenberry had a half-baked notion, but when Nimoy threatened to leave the show after one season, Gene couldn't give him more money.... so he gave him creative control over his character. And that's all Nimoy wanted (he was just bluffing about money).

So now you know what us hardcore Trek fans have known for a while: that Spock got even more interesting and the Vulcan mythos took shape in Season Two, all because Leonard Nimoy took a personal interest in shaping the character.

Like they said in Star Trek II, "He's not dead so long as we remember him." And Leonard Nimoy made sure Spock will never be forgotten, and by extension, has cut otu a little slice of immortaity for himself.

I think that's enough dwelling on sad news. Here's what happened on tonight's just-completed RAW:

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in New Jersey, where Seth Rollins is already on his way to the ring. And in case you missed, it, Rollins crashed the Daily Show last week, and New Jersey just so happens to be Jon Stewart's stomping grounds. So we skipped the usual Opening Vidoe Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD, but then, after cutting straight to the arena, we watch a video package, afterall.

SETH ROLLINS HAS A VERY HIGH OPINION OF HIMSELF

Rollins has made it to the ring, and says he's just gotten confirmation that Jon Stewart's TV taping for the night is over, and he's on his way to the Prudential Center right now.

Rollins offers him one last piece of advice, telling him to turn around. Because this isn't comedy, this isn't another Lawler/Kaufmann situation where everybody's friends. Seth Rollins hates Jon Stewart, and will expose him for all to see tonight.

And with that boastful claim, Rollins is interrupted by Roman Reigns, who makes his way to the ring, through the crowd. He gets to the ring and says, "Oh, hey, don't let me interrupt you. I just wanted to come out here and hear these people telling you that you suck, live." Which would have worked a lot better if only the audience had played along.

But Reigns does, in fact, want Rollins to continue. So Rollins does, rattling off a series of claims about being able to out-funny Jon Stewart, out-eat Mark Henry, and out-wrestle Reigns. In fact, Rollins says he's got a little surprise: because Rollins is gonna be the next WWE Champion. Reigns can't beat Lesnar on his best day, but a little thing called Money in the Bank means that Rollins can pick his spot and beat Brock lesnar.

Reigns calls his bluff, and while the idiot fans are chanting "SEE EM PUNK" for no reason, Reigns drops a pretty big bomb on us: he wants Rollins to cash in his MitB, and make it a 3-way at WrestleMania. If he thinks he's all that, then why not do it?

Rollins has a kinds of blubbering excuses for why he won't do it (he fails to mention, "OH, sorry, I have a match against Randy Orton at WM"), and Reigns threatens to just punch him in the face if he doesn't get back on topic. So Rollins shoves Reigns, and Reigns makes good on his promise. Rollins skedaddles out of there, while the Stooges attempt a feeble attack on Reigns. Reigns also clears them out of the ring.

Later Tonight: as that segment wraps up, we do a quick visit with Cole & The Gang, who tell us that later on, we'll have a Womens' Title Match (Nikki vs. Paige), a very special "Daily Show with Seth Rollins" skit, and coming up next, it's something to do with Dean Ambrose, who is WALKING~! backstage, and still has the IC Title belt with him.

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Backstage: Seth Rollins is delivering a verbal beatdown to the Stooges, when Randy Orton walks up. Remember, Orton is going against type, and playing mindgames by acting like Rollins' best friend. And Seth is the only one in the multiverse who is believing it. Which is why Orton joins in the tongue-lashing, calling the Stooges incompetent, and saying they have to do a better job of taking care of "our boy."

Orton suggests that maybe what Rollins needs to do is shove it back in Reigns' face by going to the Authority and asking for a one-on-one match against him later tonight. Because, you know, Rollins is the best wrestler in the world, and he'd TOTALLY win. Rollins' is conflicted, because he doesn't want a one-on-one match against Reigns tonight, but he doesn't want to disappoint his bro, either. So Rollins says he'll think about it...

WADE BARRETT vs. DEAN AMBROSE (Non-Title)

Wade is the IC Champ, Ambrose is in possession of the belt, and it's not on the line. Clear? R-Truth is sitting in on guest commentary, a role at which he has excelled in the last week or so. Also, Truth got in on the belt-stealing antics last week, too. So he's in there with Ambrose, Bryan, and Ziggler as guys who have a non-title win over Barrett, which is setting up a multi-way Ladder Match at WrestleMania.

Truth acknowledges that he'll be in said match, but says he's afraid of heights, so he's planning on bringing a whole batch of tiny little step ladders, instead of one big ladder, which is utter nonsenscial, but that's also why we love Crazy Truth.

The match mostly favors Ambrose to start, but then Barrett hits one big boot to the head, which sends Ambrose out over the top rope. With Ambrose down and out, Barrett grabs his belt (for the moment) and poses with it, while we break for...

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Back, and Barrett's working -- you guessed it! -- a chinlock. Ambrose fires out of it, but Barrett maintains control when the fight spills outside of the ring... but when Barrett tosses Ambrose back into the ring, and decides to waste time jawing with Truth, the tide turns.

Ambrose dominates, ending with a giant plancha on the aisle side of the ring. With both guys down, Truth does a Looney Toons style Sneaky Walk, and grabs the IC belt, as if nobody saw it.

Barrett and Ambrose go back and forth in the ring, and at the desk, Luke Harper materializes, and threatens Truth, until Truth gives up the belt. Harper walks off with it, distracting Barrett, which allows Ambrose to strike from behind with the Dirty Deeds.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Not a whole lot to sink your teeth into, action-wise, but a lot of fun, story-wise, including Truth's wacky antics, and now Harper entering himself as the 6th Man in the multi-Ladder Match at WM31.

Backstage: last week, Miz usurped a role in a new commercial from Damien Sandow, but now, Miz has assembled half the roster to watch a very special World Premiere of said ad. Sandow tries to convince Miz to screen it privately, first, because... but Miz is hearing none of it. He's an A-lister, and he's not ashamed of his work. He wants to the world to see it.

So he plays it, and as you should have deduced from Thursday's SD, it's an ad for "Niagara," an erectile dysfunction drug, and Miz comes off looking quite silly.

Miz berates Sandow, saying he set him up, this was all part of a scheme on his part, and that's BS, because without Miz, Sandow is nothing. He'd be fired from WWE, because nobody would ever pay to see him wrestle, or act. He slaps Sandow, who bristles, but doesn't fight back. Then Miz demands to know if Sandow has anything to say for himself. Sandow is conflicted, but finally gets out a half-hearted "Sorry." Miz smirks, because he's once again imposed his will over lowly Sandow.

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MHEH HEH HEH, FIRE~! MHEH HEH

Bray Wyatt comes out onto the stage to share a few words with us. He's got a casket with him. This time, it's an old school wooden one.

Bray calls out the Undertaker, "Come out, come out, wherever you are." He says he built this casket special for Taker, and says that in return, all Taker's giving him is silence. That's not nice.

So Bray produces a gas can, and says he's long had a fascination with fire. It devours everything in its path, just like Bray. So, feeling besmirched, Bray douses the casket with gasoline, and says that just like Taker will burn at WrestleMania, now this casket will burn. As he sets fire, Bray throws in a quick "FIND. ME." And we're done here.

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THE USOS & NAOMI vs. CESARO/TYSON KIDD/NATALYA (Mixed Tag Match)

The two husbands -- Kidd and Jimmy -- start things off, because -- sadly -- there's a part of this that is predicated on Total Divas, which is just soul-crushing.

Usos actually control the early moments, but then Jimmy tags in Naomi, which requires a fresh Natalya come in (rather than continuing to target Kidd). They do a couple spots, in which Nattie aggrevates her knee injury from last Monday. Then Kidd tags in, and is about to suffer a double superkick... so he dives to his corner and tags Nattie back in.

Nattie enters the ring, but turns towards Kidd, asking "Why would you do that? I'm hurt." So Naomi hits a quick roll-up for the win.

Your Winners: The Usos and Naomi, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Well, I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened. Whee.

After the Match: Nattie got upset at Tyson, undoing the work from last week where Nattie was totally into her husband's heelish antics. But Cesaro smoothes things over by bringing the tag belts into the ring and reminding them that gold makes everything better.

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"NEVER GIVE UP," MY ASS (or, JOHN CENA GIVES UP ON RUSEV, PICKS DIFFERENT WM MATCH)

John Cena hits the ring, and is greeted by just about his most negative reaction in a while. They're even singing "John Cena SUUUUUUCCKKKKKSSS" along with his theme music. I blame last week's ridiculously simplistic and tonedeaf jingoism.

Cena shoots it to a video clip (in which Rusev declined to give Cena a US Title rematch at WM31), and then acknowledges the boos, saying that for once, he's actually given his critics something to laugh about, when he lost to Rusev. He hopes they enjoy it.

Because "For those of you not in my corner, enjoy it while you can, because I will adapt and overcome, and I will get up, brush myself off, and not give up until I get the prize." This really phoney motivational speaker drivel gets more boos.

To this end, Cena isn't gonna chase the US Title if Rusev doesn't want to play ball. Instead, he'll live a different dream, and he officially enters himself into the Andre the Giant Battle Royale. What could be bigger than honoring one of the greatest superstars of all time, the only true giant of all time...

ANd that's when Stephanie McMahon saunters out to rain on Cena's parade. She wants to know who Cena thinks he is... who just goes and enters himself into the Andre Battle Royale. "Uhhhh, that's what everbody's doing, Steph. Miz did it. Fandango did it. Adam Rose did it. That's not exactly a Murderer's Row, I think you got some spots open."

Steph decides this joke amounts to Cena crapping on the memory of Andre, and she won't stand for it, because Andre was her friend (and she produces a picture from backstage at WM1 to prove it). Cena says that's a lovely picture, and it's nice to know Stephanie wasn't always the bitch she is today.

Steph laughs it off, and says some guys just can't stand a woman in power. Cena then tries to make his case for being a LOCK for WrestleMania, based on WWE titles and WM main events. He figures as long as he's on the roster, there's always a spot for him at WM.

Steph disagrees, and says no one man has ever been bigger than WWE, and if this is the year John Cena sits out WM, nobody will miss him. The crowd actually responds positively to this.

At this point, Curtis Axel shows up, and says AxelMania is running wild... he's still in the 2015 Royal Rumble, 35 days and running. He tries to kiss up to Steph, saying that they're kindred souls, who both met Andre as a kid. So not only will it be an honor for Curtis to participate in the Andre Battle Royale, but hey, if Steph has an open spot for a US Title Match against Rusev, Axel will take that, too. The only thing sweeter than one WM win, is TWO.

Steph says she'll think about it. Maybe if Axel faces John Cena, that'll give her a better idea of what to do with Axel at WM... but to Cena, she says, "Make no mistake, this isn't a deal where the winner faces Rusev. The only way you face Rusev is if YOU change HIS mind. This isn't my call."

Then Steph leaves, and Axel does the "Whatchya Gonna Do" bit while ripping off his t-shirt. Then Cena just quietly says, "I'm gonna give you one chance to leave this ring. Because if that bell rings, you will not walk out of here tonight." BOOOOOOO! Axel is not backing down, the live crowd loves it.

I know Axel's been moderately amusing with his schmucky AxelMania bit, but my goodness, that escalated quickly... he's now holding his own against Cena, just 4 days after he said he'd been in the Rumble for "31 hours," instead of 31 days. Good for him.

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JOHN CENA vs. CURTIS AXEL

This lasted almost 2 minutes, but only because Axel spent 90 seconds imitating Hulk Hogan. Then the F-U and the SSTF, and it's over.

Your Winner: John Cena, via submission, in 2 minutes. Pretend to care.

After the Match: Rusev and Lana come out on the stage, and repeat what Stephanie said about this being Rusev's call to make. And Rusev says that after careful consideration.... the fans fire up a YES! YES! YES! chant, and Rusev ad libs, "It's MY decision, you ignorant Americans!"

BUt then he lets us know that his answer is still, "No."

FWIW, I thought the whole Cena/Steph bit in the previous segment was pretty terrible, in the sense that it didn't flow organically to have Cena just say "OK, I don't want Rusev, I want in the Battle Royale." And then, once Steph started talking, it was just bludgeoningly stilted and writer-y, rather than sound like how real people talk. I hate all those things, and think they are among the more easily fixed problems WWE has with presentation...

But in the end, I think they re-railed this by having Rusev come out and re-deny Cena the rematch. Rusev and Lana are red hot, and killing it, and if they can keep up the focus on the PERSONAL issue between Rusev and Cena (rather than the lame ass ethnocentrism that Cena displayed last week), good things will come of this.

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MISSION: CONTROL

Triple H hits the ring, and he's back in a suit, after donning the jeans and leather jacket for his confrontation with Sting. He rehashes everything that's happened between him and Sting, and says that as a result, now Sting is finally heading to WrestleMania, and good for him. But he picked the wrong guy to go with.

Because the King of Kings will make sure it's as if Sting's whole career never existed.

And then, HHH asks Booker T to step into the ring and share his thoughts on Sting. Because Booker has been espousing a theory in which the only reason why Sting didn't come to WWE until now is because HHH was keeping him out, blacklisting him.

Booker says, yeah, that's probably part of it, and HHH doesn't take kindly to that. Because if HHH was keeping Sting out of WWE, that implies HHH was scared of Sting, or something.

Booker clarifies that he never said that, he has no idea about HHH motives. But he did state that "Like it or not, Sting's here now, dawg." And then BOoker rattled off the many entities that could not control Sting in the past. Ric Flair couldn't do it. The Horsement couldn't. Eric Bischoff couldn't. Hulk Hogan couldn't. So maybe HHH does need to take Sting a bit more seriously than he is.

HHH gets angry at this point, and says Sure, not being in control would have to suck, and oh by the way, BOoker, you're fired. How's THAT for showing who's in control.

Booker slowly grabs his papers from the desk, and starts walking away. But HHH calls him back, saying he was just kidding. He wanted to make a point about who is in control, but he can't envision RAW without Booker. Just like, after WrestleMania, we won't be able to envision wrestling history with Sting still in it. Zing.

Two things: (1) this was a really obnoxious case of 3 minutes of content being served up on a 10 minute platter. Just loooonnnnggg and boorrrriiiinnnggg when it didn't have to be. Tighten up the screws, for chrissakes. And (2) this whole idea of HHH trying to snuff out WCW just isn't doing it for me. I mean, it's OK as a starting point, but once you stop to think about it, WCW was dead and buried 12 years ago. I just assumed that Sting would have talked by now, and given us his reason for showing up, and that it would be the fact that he's always fought for Good, and he's finally had enough of HHH being bad. You can do one WM feud with a mute (Taker, in this case), but trying to do two not only makes it less special, but it's a specific disservice to this feud, which needs more clearcut motivation for Sting.

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NIKKI BElLA (w/ Brie) vs. PAIGE (Women's Title Match)

As the ranking title match for the night, this one gets full boxing style ring intros from Lilian. Bell rings, and after a quick feeling out process, Paige takes control.

Paige goes for the PTO, but Nikki immediately gets to the ropes, and pulls herself out of the ring, to safety. Break in the action (after all of 45 seconds) means we break for....

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Back, and Nikki's working a chinlock. GENDER EQUALITY, FTW~! The ladies are just as good at grabbing a boring resthold coming out of an ad break as the fellas! #givedivasachance, indeed.

Paige powers out of the chinlock, and then, after a crisscross, they both hit clotheslines at the same time. Both women down, ref applies a double count. Paige is first to her feet, and goes on a tear.

After a rally, she gets her first near fall with a one-legged dropkick. Then, she sets up for the PTO again, but Brie gets up on the apron, creating a distraction.

Nikkie tries to capitalize by attacking from behind, but Paige sees it coming, and avoids the double sledge. In fact, after a quick grapple, Paige cinches in the PTO once and for all.

Then, Brie comes in and just blatantly gets her sister DQ'd to save the title.

Your Winner: Paige, via disqualification, in about 7 minutes. Nothing special, here. The first minute and ad break were half the match, then we came back for a brief display of chinlocking before the significantly mroe exciting final sequence.

After the Match: the Bellas continued the 2-on-1 attack until AJ Lee ran down for the save. New Jersey to the rescue! AJ cleaned house, as the idiot fans chanted "SEE EM PUNK" (you're why we can't have nice things, people). The very second the Bellas threatened to take over on AJ, Paige joined back in, and the former frenemies sent the Bellas packing. Good times. I knew AJ was coming back, but thought it was scheduled for after WM. Doing it now certainly spices things up...

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Backstage: Renee Young has both Paige and AJ for an interview. Why did AJ pick now to return to WWE? Paige is curious about this, too, because she wants to be clear, she didn't ask for AJ's help. AJ says no, it's not about that, because even if someone HAD asked her to return, she wouldn't have, because she doesn't take instruction well. She came back because the Bellas are awful. Paige still isn't quite sure what to make of it, but AJ busts out the old chestnut "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." Paige is suspicious, but figures that's better than having another enemy...

JON STEWART'S SOCCER SKILLS COME IN HANDY

Complete with the genuine music and graphics, this is the Daily Show with Seth Rollins... he's got a desk set up in the ring, and a TV behind him, so it's reasonably authentic. Except for the part where the Stooges are standing behind Rollins.

We once again replay the video package of Rollins' invading the Daily Show last Thursday. Rollins says he dominated Jon Stewart on his own show, and now, he's going to the same on RAW. But wait... where is Jon Stewart? He doesn't seem to be here, afterall. Stewart's just another phoney wuss, but what do you expect, he's from New Jersey.

BOOOO!

But wait wait wait... he's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. And Stewart made a smart one by deciding not to come to RAW tonight. Just like America decided not to show up at that movie he directed last year. ZING~!

But seriously, folks, if Stewart wants to retire later this year on his own terms, he better not step foot in this arena. Because if he does, he'll be retiring early, cuz it's really had to do a fake news show with your jaw wired shut.

And then, finally, the Daily Show music kicks in again, and here's Jon Stewart, heading to the ring, afterall. Rollins and the Stooges are licking their lips, and can't wait to finish him. Jon does a bit of physical comedy (the Broad kind, naturally) getting into the ring, and then takes a seat in the guest chair of the Daily Show desk.

They trade a few zingers, and then Jon says he's old school, and he remembers the guys in the past who EARNED it, who paid their dues and earned it. Like Bruno, like Gorilla, like Foley, like Stone Cold, like the Undertaker. But Jon's problem with Seth is simple: he never paid those dues. The first time he saw a chance to take a shortcut, he sold the Shield down the river and became the Authority's lap boy.

OK, so Rollins may be stronger than Jon. Better looking. Able to lift his arms above his shoulders. But there's one thing Jon's got in spades that Rollins lacks: respect.

After a few more zingers towards the Stooges, Jon gets serious... he says that Rollins sold out to the Authority, and it hasn't gotten him anywhere. The Authority don't really care about him. They just care about using him. As proof, the WrestleMania main event is Lesnar vs. Reigns. But shouldn't Rollins be in there? Isn't he better in the ring? And on the mic? Why's he on the outside looking in? Let's think about it...

After WM, Lesnar or Reigns will be on top, and Rollins will just be standing there, holding his little briefcase. A briefcase, which, by the way, he didn't earn. So that's kind of a trend with him, isn't it? Jon reminds us that he was there in Boston for the MitB PPV, and that if it wasn't for Kane, Dean Ambrose would have won it.

Rollins has finally had enough, throwing down his mic, and beckoning the Stooges to join him in threatening Stewart. Jon gets up, and backs up until he's against the ropes. Rollins grabs him by the lapels, and....

Randy Orton's music fires up, and Rollins is distracted by Orton's ever lethargic stroll towards the ring. So Jon Stewart is able to kick Rollins in the balls, and bail out. Orton just keeps walking towards the ring and again pretends to be Seth's friend, bad-mouthing the Stooges for letting this happen, before retreating, too.

I'm already predisposed to Stewart, and have been since he was doing comedy half-hours in the 90s, but I really think he took the time to understand what he was getting into, and mixed in some real solid serious material that advances storylines, in addition to making some quality jokes. And they gave Jon the "win" in a way that doesn't hurt Rollins, but instead, advances the Rollins/Orton story. Good times...

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Backstage: Renee Young has Jon Stewart, and congratulates him on making quite the impression on Seth Rollins. Jon recalls his days playing college soccer, and tries to convince us there's a more technical term than "kick to the balls" to describe what he did... Renee asks if he's given any more thought to spending more time in WWE, now that he's retiring soon. But Jon says he got winded just talking, so this probably isn't for him. Then, he sneaks away, because he's convinced this is a very unsecure hallway, and Rollins may be trying to track him down.

DANIEL BRYAN vs. LUKE HARPER

Harper has the IC belt with him, and remember, Bryan has a non-title win over Wade Barrett, so this is another battle of likely WM Ladder Match participants.

Harper jumpstarts things with a boot to the head, and after 30 seconds, chucks Bryan out of the ring. Which means, thanks to shitty time management, it's already time for...

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Back, and Bryan has started a comeback, peppering Harper with YES! kicks to the legs. But then Harper snuffs that out with a modified Snake Eyes: instead of hoisting Bryan up and dropping him down, Harper just lawn-darted Bryan into the turnbuckle.

The heel beatdown recommenceulates. Harper keeps going after Bryan's SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED~! neck, including a stiff back suplex.

And then, Bryan cinches in the YES! Lock out of nowhere, and Harper insta-taps. That was, uhhh, abrupt.

Your Winner: Daniel Bryan, via submission, in 5 minutes. And 3 of those were the ad break, so let's not try to pretend this was something it wasn't. Zero points a a match, but it does continue establishing the line-up/pecking order for the WM Ladder Match. Six guys are in, which is probably all we need.

After the Match: Wade Barrett came out, wanting to repossess his title belt. But Dean Ambrose ran out behind him to make sure that didn't happen. But then, while that was happening, R-Truth snuck out and grabbed the belt and tried to get away with it. Harper stopped him, and Truth gave up the belt.

Harper made his way up the ramp, thinking he was getting off scot-free. But that's when the sixth and final man showed up. Dolph Ziggler superkicked Harper into next week, and took the belt for himself.

Up on the stage, Ziggler ascended a ladder and gestured towards the WM logo. Down at ringside, Daniel Bryan got up on the announce table and did the same. Those are the two main guys fans would have much rather seen go to the WM Main Event over Reigns, and now, they're in this match. And a third guy, Ambrose, isn't far behind in terms of appeal... I don't do the soshul mediaz, but if I did, I'd try to start a grassroots campaign to make the 6-way Ladder Match the REAL WM Main Event. Something like #IC>WWE or #notmymainevent. Cuz honestly, this IC Match is LOADED and unless WWE purposely hamstrings them with 15 minutes or less, it will steal the show.

Hall of Fame: the latest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2015 is Madusa/Alundra Blayze. WWE is insisting on calling her Alundra Blayze, even though she was only in the WWF for a little over a year, using that name, and her incredible resume was made under the Madusa name. It's a well deserved induction, and proof that hell really does freeze over with regularity in pro wrestling (Madusa threw the WWF Women's Title belt into the trash on Nitro).

Backstage: Seth Rollins is arguing with Randy Orton, because Orton's the one that caused him to get kicked in the balls... but Orton sees it differently. Orton says he was just coming out to stop Rollins from making a huge mistake. You can't beat up a beloved media celebrity in his home town, without consequences. If Rollins had done what he wanted, he'd have gotten fired, and Randy totally doesn't want that to happen.

Orton extends a final offer to accompany Rollins to ringside for the main event match against Roman Reigns. But Big Show and Kane materialize and say THEY will have Rollins' back. Apparently, Team Rollins is finally getting a bit suspicious of Randall's scheming.

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RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

Paul Heyman is in the ring, because he has to set the record straight, what with all the rumors flying about his client, Brock Lesnar.

So, to be clear, Brock Lesnar will be at WrestleMania, defending the WWE Title. But before WM, he'll go anywhere he damn well pleases (a reference to Lesnar being at Saturday's UFC event). And after WM, he'll go anywhere he damn well pleases (another reference to rumors that Lesnar wants to return to UFC), and he'll do it as the WWE Champion. Because Brock Lesnar will remain WWE Champion as long s he damn well pleases.

Then, Heyman's mic starts to go wonky. First time, he jokes that the sound guy must be from New Jersey. BOOOOO! Second time, he asks Lilian for a functional mic, and she gives him one; so Heyman says, "It's about time you got something right." OOOOOHHHHHHHHH!

Once he's got a good mic, Heyman goes on a kick-ass tirade about how WWE is already acting like Roman Reigns is the next WWE champ. They've bought the fireworks and confetti, and they can't wait to have Brock Lesnar out of their hair. But that's not how it's gonna happen.

Roman Reigns is a stud, and against almost any other WWE Champion of the past, Reigns would be the favorite. Heyman once again runs down a list, saying none of these men stepped up to dispute Heyman since he said their names last week (when a fan pipes up, "What about Andre?" Heyman silences him with "How's Andre going to dispute me? He's dead, moron.") But against Brock Lesnar, Reigns stands no chance of victory.

In fact, there are only two possible outcomes. (1) A slow, methodical beatdown that shortens, if not ends, Roman Reigns' career, or (2) maybe Brock will just Ronda Rousey his ass (a reference to her 15 second submission win at Saturday's UFC event). It just comes down to what kind of mood Brock's in that night.

So Roman Reigns, you're gonna get beat by Brock Lesnar, you're gonna get hurt by Brock Lesnar, you're gonna get embarassed by Brock Lesnar. You're gonna get CONQUERED by Brock Lesnar. Believe. That.

This just in: Paul Heyman is very good at his job.

Then, Reigns' music hits, and he comes down to the ring. Not to fight Heyman, but just because his match is next. And by "next," we mean "After These"....

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/ Big Show, Kane, and J&J Security)

Reigns immediately overpowers Rollins, so Rollins decides to powder out and regroup outisde the ring. The same sequence repeats. The third time around, Reigns doesn't let Rollins escape, and keeps a solid beatdown going for 2 or 3 minutes.

That ends when Rollins busts out a standing dropkick out of nowhere. Solid flurry by Rollins, and then he tosses Reigns out of the ring. The Stooges try to attack, but Reigns is having none of that happy crappy. Reigns decimates Mercury, and Noble retreats.

So much for Rollins "back-up." And with that pathetic display, Randy Orton decides to come on down to the ring to lend a hand. While Orton is sauntering down, and while Rollins is acting conflicted over this development, we break for...

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Back, and Rollins has regained control. Orton has stuck around, but is standing apart from the rest of Team Authority. As Rollins dominates, Big Show is particuarly effective at goading the crowd into more and more boos, by yelling about how awesome Rollins is.

As all heel beatdowns, do, this one ended when Rollins whiffed on a corner splash. Reigns got a quick rally, but another distraction from J&J delayed his full on comeback. Rollins decided to go up top, but Reigns caught him, and after some jockeying, Reigns backdropped Rollins off the top rope.

But before he could follow up on Rollins, he had to dispatch Jamie Noble, which allowed Rollins to hit a quick enzuigiri for a near fall. Rollins up top again, but Reigns catches him again. This time, he waiting until Rollins dived off, and caught him in mid air, and redirected him into a pinning combo.

But once again, the heels had numbers on their side, and Reigns' offense fizzled. This time, Show and Kane got involved, and Kane hit Reigns in the ribs with a steel chair. No more J&J, now the big boys are involved.

BUt Reigns is able to kick out after the chairshot. Rollins lines up for the Curb Stomp, but Reigns dodges and hits the Superman Punch. Kane tries to interfere, and gets another Superman Punch. Reigns sets up for the Spear, but all of a sudden, Randy Orton reaches up and grabs Reigns' ankle.

Reigns turns to jaw with Orton, and Rollins gets a quick roll-up.

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Pretty decent, making good use of all the moving pieces to enhance the sense of sizzle, even if there wasn't a whole lot of steak.

After the Match: Rollins & Co embraced Orton, apologizing for ever doubting him. The look on Orton's face says he can't believe they're falling for this... although, for all his "mindgames," it's good to see Orton back to being mentally enfeebled, since angering Roman Reigns for no good reason isn't the brightest move.

Orton left on his own, but Rollins & Co hung around to celebrate... and that's how Reigns managed to catch all of them with a crazy plancha dive from the rig to the floor. Big Show is the only one he didn't take down, so Show tried to attack, but after a quick exchange, Show got speared. Then Rollins tried to catch Reigns by diving off the top rope, but instead, Reigns speared him out of mid-air.

The lesson: Reigns may have lost, but apparently, he's still a bad ass capable of winning a 1-on-5 fight. Just not 1-on-6. Reigns is celebrating his moral victory and gesturing towards the WM logo as we fade to black.

And so ends the show... it had a few slow spots (especially the HHH promo) and some tortured logic (Cena giving up on Rusev, only to ungiveup, with Steph's awful stilted dialogue mixed in), but I think the good outweighed the bad.

However badly fans want to revolt against Reigns, Heyman is just so good at his job that I don't really see this one going down the same path as Lesnar/Goldberg in Lesnar's previous farewell match.

Huge night for Seth Rollins, too... he held his own against Jon Stewart in a segment that'll be all over the TMZs, and then scored the win over Reigns int he main event. For as much as it is my instinct to not care about Rollins/Orton, they're taking a VERY unorthodox path to get there, and I dig that.

Obviously, the 6-man IC Ladder Match is now set, and that was probably my favorite bit of show-spanning intertwining storytelling on the night. Having Ziggler and Bryan staring each other down is also as close as we'll ever get to WWE admitting, "Fine, you can have what you want, internet."

I could do without the E! Network crapola in the tag title picture, but so long as the Usos and Cesaro/Kidd gt 15+ minutes at Mania, it'll all be worth it.

AJ's surprise return also spices up the women's division heading into Mania. The most obvious route to go would be a four-way with the Bellas, AJ, and Paige, but I'd also be cool with a six-woman (adding Nattie and Naomi), under elimination or gauntlet rules. If WWE is remotely serious about placating #givedivasachance, the six-way would be a great way to go.

So, for the most part, I think tonight's show did a nice job inching was towards Mania. I just really would have liked to see them tighten up the screws a bit on some overlong bits, and in turn, deliver at least a BIT of worthwhile in-ring action, but that's no big deal.

We'll call it a B-minus, and we'll see how WWE follows through on Thursday...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.