OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Randy is Smart, Heyman is Smarter
March 9, 1015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

The NCAA basketball regular season is over.... and by most accounts, the UD Flyers should be in the Big Dance, unless they completely shit the bed in their first round A-10 tourney game on Friday.

This is, to say the least, an incredible turn of events.

I mean, if you had asked me before the season started if there was a better than 50% chance of the Flyers making the tourney, I wouldn't have been confident of taking that bet. If you'd asked me a month later, after UD expelled our only two guys taller than 6'6", and eventually wound up with only 7 scholarship players (assuming you count the one guy who was a walk-on, but was given a scholarship for the 2nd semester), I wouldn't have given us much more than a 20% chance of making it.

And yet, here we are. For the second year, against all odds and common sense. I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't something magical about one of the Scaia Boyz having a brush with death.... last year, the Flyers opened A-10 play at 1-5, and were dead in the water. But I was in the hospital with a wee bout of cancer on my pancreas.

The Flyers got better (as did I), and made it to the Elite Eight.

This year, the Flyers are basically half a Division 1 basketball team (most have 13 scholarship players), but when my brother Alan lands in the hospital after a life-threatening car accident, the Flyers are also on the cusp of another tourney invite.

Dear Stephen: you are my brother, and the Middle Scaia Boy, but I hereby tentaively wish you some sort of crippling health scare in about 10 months or so. Unless the Flyers are already doing well on their own, in which case, we need not worry our mother unnecessarierly. Love, Rick.

But this shameless UD propaganda is not why you came here tonight. So this is what happened on the just-completed edition of Monday Night RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

RANDY ORTON IS SMART?

As we cold cut to the inside of the Consol Arena in Pittsburgh, PA, Randy Orton is on his way to the ring, and Cole & The Gang deliver an abbreviated welcome, in which they inform of us our main event, tonight, which will feature Orton teaming up with Seth Rollins, in a handicap match against Roman Reigns.

As Orton gets in the ring, we also see that Rollins, Kane, Big Show, and the New Stooges are already in the ring, and all wearing shit-eating grins.... because they're so happy that Randall is back in the fold. In fact, Kane -- in his role as DOO -- takes it upon himself to officially welcome Randy back to the Authority.

The crowd boos this obvious misinterpretation, but Randy's wearing his pokerface, and isn't letting on how foolish they are.

Show adds his kind words to the pile, and shakes Orton's hand. More boos. More pokerface.

Then, it's Jamie Noble's turn. Noble stammers through a few supportive words, then blurts out, "No, no, I can't believe you're falling for this, he's a total liar and a snake in the gr....."

Rollins cuts him off and says he's the emotional one of the group, but Noble is totally on board with this. Tell 'em, Joey.... Mercury can't even muster up a single word, because he also isn't buying it. Rollins covers for him, saying they're "J&J Security, not J&J Public Speaking."

Rollins goes a step further, saying that us stupid fans suspect Orton's just setting him up (Big Show: "HA! SO WRONG! FOOLS!"), but Rollins is so glad that Randy's back, and totally trusts him, and everything. He also shakes Orton's hand, and gives him a big "So everybody, give it up for one of the most decorated superstars in WWE history, and MY TAG TEAM PARTNER tonight.... RANNDDEEEEEEEEE OOORRRRRRRRRRTOONNNNNNNN!"

Orton accepts the accolades, but then starts mocking everybody, because he can't believe they're all kissing his ass. The Authority he remembers was ruthless, dominant.... this Authority seems like a shadow of its former self. His mockery of Kane includes "What are you, the Devil's Favorite Demon, or the Devil's Favorite Dumbass." His mockery of Big Show is entirely more lame. His mockery of Noble is also based entirely on Noble's shortness.
Then, just in case you were starting to think "Hey, Orton's cutting a hell of a promo, here," Orton walks up to Mercury, and completely goes blank, forgetting his line, and awkwardly moving on. Ortons gonna Orton.

But he gets back on track when he goes nose to nose with Rollins. Well, mostly (he still stumbles over a couple lines, but does so with intensity)... he flat-out admits that he can't believe Rollins -- the architect, the smart guy -- has fallen for it. His ego has blinded him to the obvious fact that Orton's just lying and conniving, getting close to Rollins, infiltrating his inner circle, so that he can pick his moment and pounce. And when he does, he's not just gonna beat Rollins... he's gonna make Rollins his bitch.

Rollins is actually a bit worried, at this point.... but then Orton starts cackling. "Ha ha, just kidding guys!" Rollins, Show, and Kane all start chuckling, too, entirely relieved by Orton's chicanery. Fools.

Rollins loves it so much that he says, "Man alive, you're hilarious. Maybe you're the one who should be taking over for Jon Stewart." Let's not get crazy, Seth....

Rollins calls everybody in for a final pep talk and huddle, declaring that when he and Orton finish the job on Roman Reigns later tonight, it will be "best for business."

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WADE BARRETT vs. DANIEL BRYAN (Non-Title)

During his ring entrance, Bryan stops and has a moment with Connor The Crusher's Dad (sorry, I know the guy has a name, and I watched that video a ton last spring, but it escapes me at the moment), which was neat to see. Shoulda expected it, given that it's Pittsburgh, but it still caught me by surprise in my soft, girlish underbelly, where -- apparently -- I actually have feelings and emotions.

Also during ring entrances, they have a graphic for the WM IC Title Ladder Match. It features Barrett, Ziggler, Ambrose, Truth, and Harper, and only one blanked out "mystery" guy. But Cole says there are "a few" open slots left. Which is good, since Bryan's obviously in, and probably Stardust, too.

Also, also during ring entrances, R-Truth is sitting in on commentary, and has a big canvas sack, which he declines to talk about. Then again, he also claims he's not in the IC Title Ladder Match, yet, even though the official graphic said otherwise.
Match is just sort of randomly back and forthy for a few minutes, then Bryan gains some traction for a flurry, which Barrett promptly snuffs out by chucking Bryan out of the ring. Bryan down in a heap, Barrett posing and taunting in the ring, so we break for....

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Back, and Barrett's clubbering away on Bryan, who is draped over the top turnbuckle. Barrett immediately turns that into a textbook superplex, for a convincing near fall. Barrett goes for Wastelands, but Bryan turns it into a crucifix for a near fall, and then, after a quick criss cross, Bryan hits the running knee, and gets the pin.

Your Winner: Daniel Bryan, via pinfall, in 7 minutes. So, uhhh, the opening 3 minutes were forgettable. Then 3 minutes of ads, then about 45 seconds before Bryan's flash pin. Yeah, that's a thing that happened, but it's not exactly of any redeeming value.

After the Match: Bryan got to celebrate for a bit, but Barrett caught him from behind with a Bullhammer Elbow. Then, Barrett had a few cross words for Truth, but decided to back off.

That's when Dean Ambrose ran out and clocked Barrett from behind, and then continued on his way to the ring. Apparently, he's got a match next. And by "next," we mean after these ads, because it's now been a whole 2 minutes since we returned from the last ad break. The hell? I mean, 10 out of 10 to me for going back to a DVR timeshift since my Texas Displacement, but minus several million to WWE for this mind-numbing lack of time management oversight.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. STARDUST

Stardust comes out wearing the IC Title belt, even though it is not his. Truth and his burlap sack are still sitting on guest commentary. Truth now claims that he's got the sack because he's going potato picking later on tonight. Cole thinks they should try to get "hashtag whatsinthebag" trending. Uh huh.

Meantime, Ambrose is off to a fast start, partly because he's all crazy and full-speed-ahead, but also partly because anytime Stardust got a move in edgewise, he'd turn and pose for the crowd, so Ambrose got back in control.

That all changed when Ambrose won an exchange outside, the ring, tossed Stardust back into the ring... but then, when Ambrose followed, Stardust caught him straddling the middle rope, with a leg whip. Ambrose immediately crumpled, selling a massive knee injury.

And with that, it's been maybe FOUR whole minutes since our last ad break, so let's take another one. Oy....

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Back, and Stardust is working that knee, with a half-crab. Ambrose fights out, and goes on a tear, ending with a bulldog for his first near fall. But when he goes up top, he whiffs... but Ambrose also counters out of a neckbreaker, and hits his rebound clothesline, into a Dirty Deeds.

Your Winner: Dean Ambrose, via pinfall, in 7 minutes. Are you kidding me? The EXACT same thing as the last match. Three forgettable minutes, followed by 3 minutes of commercials, followed by a flash finish after 45 seconds. I'm all for pro wrestling being about the storylines.... but flat out disregarding the value of the in-ring element, and then DISREGARDING IT IN THE EXACT SAME WAY in back-to-back segments, that's not cool. WWE, please introduce the metaphorical right hand to the metaphorical left hand, pronto....

After the Match: Ambrose took the IC belt, and was gonna abscond with it. But Wade Barrett ran out and stopped that. So Bryan ran out to stop the stopping. Then Luke Harper, and naturally Dolph Ziggler, too. In the 6-way brawl, R-Truth was able to get up from the commentary table to grab the IC belt and put it in his sack.

Barrett won the brawl, and confronted Truth. Truth finally relented and gave up the burlap sack.... Barrett decided to make his escape through the crowd. But Truth ran up to the top of the stage with another sack. Barrett stopped, and reached into HIS sack, and found a cheap replica IC belt.

Truth reached into his sack, and revealed the real IC belt. Why, you meddlin' Truth!

Hall of Fame: so last year, the Ultimate Warrior mentioned that he wished there was an annual honor for the fans who lived the Warrior Way, because they are the ones who made him into an unforgettable legend, instead of just another wrestler. So WWE announced that, beginning in 2015, they will give out a special Warrior Award every year at the Hall of Fame.

The first recipient is, as it turns out, Connor Michalek, who I mentioned earlier, and who died of cancer a few weeks after WM, last year. If you have a problem with his, you can't be my friend.

Pregnant Belly Freeze Frame: Bray Wyatt is waiting in his lair. But he's getting sick of waiting. "The reaper awaits you, Deadman. Where are you? Tonight, FIND. ME."

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PAUL HEYMAN IS SMARTER

We return to find Paul Heyman already in the middle of the ring, with a mic. He immediately goes "off script," by saying he was given instructions to intro a video package. But he's not feeling like doing that. So instead, he wants us all to watch the following video package together.

It's a Roman Reigns promo video, focused on Reign's early days in NXT, and then the Shield. Reigns says he's thankful for all of that, because it's what he needed at the time. Huh, go figure: WWE can't figure out how to make fans cheer for Reigns, so for the first time ever, they acknowledge that he came through NXT, and loved his time there.

Because fans may not agree that Roman Reigns is WrestleMania-worthy, but they DO -- almost unanimously -- agree that NXT is awesome. Ergo, WWE's latest ploy is to try to give Roman the NXT Rub. Whee?

Then, as we catch up to current events, it's just clips from the one WWE.com interview in which Reigns says he respects the fans' right to speak their mind, and he can't please everyone, but he'll just ask everybody to respect his right to be himself, too. And "himself" is gonna beat Brock Lesnar. Believe that.

Back in the ring, Heyman says Reigns makes some interesting points, but now, it's time to retort with even more interesting ones. So ladies, and gentlemen, here's your reigning, defending, yadda yadda yadda.... Baaarrrrrrrrrrrooooocccccckkkkkkk LESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNARRRRRR!

Brock heads down to the ring, where Heyman says, "I'm sure that was a very crowd pleasing video, but my client and I are rather disgusted. If that had just come out of the tail end of a bull, it couldn't have stunk any worse." Tee hee. But then Heyman reminds us that he's known Roman's family since Roman was 9 years old, and the truth about the guy has nothing to do with honing his craft in NXT or anything like that.

He knows Roman's dad used to take him and all his cousins (the Usos are who you are supposed to be thinking of, here) to bars in Florida, point out the football players, and say to them "If there's one of them left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner." Then, Roman's uncle would take him and his cousins to the gym, point out the biggest muscleheads, and say, "One of them left standing, and don't bother coming home for dinner." And so, Roman would punch and tackle his way through those ugly brawls...

And oh, by the way: "A punch, and a tackle. That's still all he's got today." Pittsburgh: "BWAAAAHHHAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHAAAA, it's funny because it's true."

Heyman continues that Reigns thinks he'll just do the same thing at WM that he always did in those earlier trials by fire. ANd Heyman also knows that his family is expecting nothing less: beat Brock Lesnar, or don't bother claiming to be a member of this family ever again. There's just one problem: Roman Reigns isn't beating Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Brock Lesnar is NOT losing the title to Roman Reigns.

Oh, and just in case you think you spotted a loophole, nope, Heyman slams it shut: if the Authority has some beef with Lesnar, and doesn't want him walking out of WrestleMania with the title (huh, wonder what that "beef" could be; oh wait, that's right, Lesnar's contract is up after WM, and he's probably going back to MMA), Heyman also promises that Lesnar's not losing the title at WrestleMania to any Authority shennanigans or Seth Rollins' cash-ins, either. Just because Seth Rollins will be cheap as a champion doesn't mean the Authority should go that route.

Because if there's even a hint of a whiff of a possibility of a Montreal Screwjob Type Situation, it will not end well for WWE. Anyone who gives even the faintest IMPRESSION of participating in a Bay Area Screwjob WILL. NOT. LEAVE. THAT. BUILDING. ALIVE. Guaranteed.

Huh. I know it's probably reverse psychology, and I'm letting it work on me, but now, I almost think Lesnar ISN'T leaving, if Heyman's so certain he's keeping the belt... good stuff.

Heyman keeps the trashtalk going until his mic "mysteriously" gives out, just like last week... unlike last week, Heyman doesn't bother pretending it's a technical issue. As soon as his mic comes back on, he says, "You know, if the great and powerful OZ, back there, has such a problem with what I'm saying, then I just wish he'd come out here, like a man, and take the mic away from me. Kind of like how I wish, if Oz back there has a problem with my client holding his title, that he'd just come out here and take it away from him. Because nobody's gonna take it away from him in a legitimate match. And if my client wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and UFC Titles, well, then that's what he's gonna do, unless you want to come out here and strip him of your title."
Ooooooohhhhhhh, snap.

"Hell, maybe my client will spend May visiting Las Vegas, and slapping around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquaio. I mean, the two of them together are 10 pounds less than my client, and that just sort of sounds like it'd be fun."

Now, Heyman dares "Oz" to shut off his mic again. It doesn't happen. So Heyman declares, "Just so we're all clear: this title no longer belongs to WWE. It belongs to Brock Lesnar. And he is not giving it back." A quick history lesson, as Heyman reminds us what Lesnar did to the Rock (to win his first WWE Title), the Undertaker (ending the streak), and John Cena (two dozen Germans in the first ever PPV Main Event Squash Match)... and given all that, how does Roman Reigns think he can be any different?

Answer: he isn't any different. Welcome to an unabashed ass-kicking, Roman. Play Brock's music, because he didn't do anything besides stand there, while Paul Heyman did all the heavy lifting. Also, I am not complaining one bit, because that was spectacular mic work.

THe only problem is that Heyman talked me into REALLY wanting to see Lesnar win or otherwise fuck with WWE's corporate plans. Which means when/if I sit back for Mania, and none of that happens, I'll be all the more pissed.... d'oh.

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RYBACK & ERICK ROWAN vs. BIG SHOW & KANE

All four are participants in the Andre Battle Royale, a fact that is underscored by the presence of the Andre Trophy at ringside.
Ryback falls into a role as Time Compressed Face in Peril. And, for the first time ever, I will report on WWE's report of a twitter trend. Because said trend is #connorthecrusher. Like I said, you'll deal with that, or else you can't be my friend.

Time Compressed Lukewarm Tag to Rowan comes at the 3 minute mark, a mini Pier Four brawl breaks out, in there is miscommunication, ending with Big Show hitting the WMD on Kane. Ryback tackles Show as Rowan makes the cover.

Your Winners: Rowan and Ryback, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

After the Match: Kane started jawing with Big Show until Stephanie McMahon came out and told them to grow up and stop acting like children. She says they are just weeks away from WrestleMania, where these two are supposed to representing the Authority in the Andre Battle Royale, but now, it's looking more like they will just embarrass the Authority.

So Steph tells them both to get the hell out of here. Leave the arena, and reflect on the many ways they have been a disappointment tonight.

Which is a dumb and completely incongruous way for Steph to behave, but Steph has always been a champion of the shitty over-writing and gaping logic holes.... also: now, Show and Kane won't be around when Orton makes his "shocking" turn later tonight. Ahem.

Backstage: Miz is trying to convince Wiz Khalifa that they should do a duet, because Miz and Wiz writes itself... but Wiz reveals that he's got his eye on another WWE star.

Enter Wizdow.

For as much as I wanted to no-sell Wiz Khalifa and his involvement in tonight's show, as he is not my bag, I am now rrequired to acknowledge him as a force for good. Wizdow spits some mad rhymes that serve to underscore that he still respects Miz, but he's still entering the Andre Battle Royale. Good times.

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No Sale: so Wiz Khalifa performs a 5 minute thingie, and gets booed out of the building. But I mention it because Wizdow did show up at the end of it, and #wizdow is also the #1 trend in the world. Like I said: not my bag, but a force for good.

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Backstage: Byron Saxton has the Bellas for an interview, which is actually a pretty craptacular non-paid advertisement for the new WWE/Flintstones DVD.

AJ (w/ Paige) vs. SUMMER (w/ Cameron)

We're all adults here, so let's not pretend this is something it wasn't.

Your Winner: AJ, via submission, in 2 minutes flat. So Pyro, I figure you're officially on the clock for the inevitable tag match nobody cares about, coming this Thursday...

Backstage: Rusev is heading to the ring, to face Curtis Axel, but walks past John Cena. Cena just wants to say, "Hey, I get it. It's a privilege to participate in WrestleMania, andmaybe this just isn't my year. All I want you to know is that it's the same for you. Be proud of where you're from. Speak your mind. But don't just assume you're defending that US Title at WM, this year, son."

So, uhhhh, is Curtis Axel winning the US Title by outside interference a good thing, or bad thing, OO Nation? Apparently, we only have a few minutes to decide, because Cena's declaration seems pretty clear to me....

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RUSEV (w/ Lana) vs. CURTIS AXEL

Rusev enters first, and then Axel makes a grand entrance of his own. A graphic on the Tron indicates that he's 42 days into the longest Royal Rumble performance ever. But despite all this, AxelMania appears to be running mild, tonight in Pittsburgh.

Rusev jumpstarts the match, by kicking Axel in the head as he's stepping through the ropes. Before long, it's the Camel Clutch.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission, in under a minute. So much for me reading into Cena's vague talk of "privilege." Rusev IS going to WM, afterall.

After the Match: Rusev takes the mic, and mocks Axel, saying that he's living in the past. Axel is a joke, at least back in the real Hulkamania days, Hulk Hogan was worthy of Russia's hatred. Now, America is living int he past, and Axel is a joke, just like the USA.

Cena shows up, and just sprints to the ring. After about 7 seconds, Cena cinches in the SSTF. Lana stands at ringside, rightly pointing out that Cena's just being a big bully and a jerk, because this proves nothing, as it is not a match. But Cena thinks it proves something, because he keeps it cinched in until Rusev passes out.

Ergo, this proves Cena can beat Rusev. OK, I guess.

Then, Cena grabs a bottle of water, splashes Rusev to wake him up, and then cinches in the SSTF again, because.... well, ummmmmmm, I don't know why. Unless it's because Cena is an even bigger prick than Rusev. Rusev just made Cena pass out once. Cena just did what made Rusev a heel. Twice.
Ingenious, WWE.

But with Rusev re-cinched, Lana grabs a mic and begs for mercy. Cena doesn't give it until Lana grants him a US Title Match at WM.

That was pretty bad. I mean, just outdated, shameful, 80s-style/red-state jackassery-posing-as-patriotism... I know part of that is just me, and the fact that I like my diplomacy/worldview done in a way that does not resemble pro-wrestling... but I also know I'm not alone, because Pittsburgh started Cena's run-in with mighty "USA USA USA" chants, but then just fizzled once they went THAT way with it....

Pregnant Belly Freeze Frame: for the second time, Bray Wyatt says he can't wait much longer. If the Undertaker will not find him, he will raise the dead himself.

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Backstage: trainers are checking on Rusev, who is verbally berating Lana for giving Cena the WM title match. He finally order Lana to leave, and she does.... huh, so we all know Lana is taking time off to make a WWE direct-to-DVD movie, but I thought that would be AFTER Mania.... maybe she's leaving now, and they can have Cena beat a Lana-less Rusev at Mania, and then reboot Rusev WITH Lana later in the summer, and have him pick up where he left off. It would definitely be one way of giving Rusev that first loss, but without it knocking him down a peg, at all...

CESARO & TYSON KIDD (w/ Nattie) vs. THE NEW DAY (w/ Kofi Kingston)

Big E and Eggsavier Woods are the active members of the team, this time around. Flashy start for Woods, then more slobberknockery from E, all while the crowd could not be less interested. WHen Woods tags back in, he is suddenly the Time Compressed Face in Peril.

All of a sudden, the crowd perks up, because they actually like Cesaro (and, to a lesser extent, Kidd). Frequent tags keep the champs in control, until a spot in which Woods reverses a slingshot, and Kidd ALMOST slams into Nattie. But doesn't.

So Woods hits a cheap roll-up and gets the pinfall. The hell?

Your Winners: the New Day, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Look, I've said already that I can backburner my interest in the in-ring quality, if the storyline work is worth it. And once again, this was NOT worth it. Why is Nattie a prop/damsel-in-distress/impediment on Mondays, but a willing participant in the champs-being-heels on Thursdays? I'd just chalk it up to carelessness, if I didn't know that the oversight on Mondays was way different from Thursdays... so yeah, this was jsut kind lame.

After the Match: the Usos music hits, and you might THINK it has something to do with the tag titles. But it doesn't, because it's just Naomi making her entrance, because she has a match now. Yep, Naomi has a match now, which is why she's coming out to the ring to not-her-music. Oy.

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NAOMI (w/ the Usos) vs. NATTIE (w/ the Tag Champs)

We join the match in progress, and after all of 30 seconds, Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter. Naomi has a great counter in which she squirms towards a corner, then hit s a flash flip-through, causing Nattie to ram (back of the head) into the bottom turnbuckle. Pretty sick.

Then Cesaro and Kidd try to leap to action, but the Usos snuff them both out. Naomi hits the Buttbutt (or, "Rearview," if you insist), and it's over.

Your Winner: Naomi, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. After the match, Nattie gets angry at Kidd, for reasons not entirely clear. She even grabs his belt and says that it's hers, also for reasons that are not even remotely clear. But then, Los Matadores music hits to distract us from the lack of compelling narrative.

THE USOS (w/ Naomi) vs. LOS MATADORES (w/ El Torito)

Two matches in the same segment? Not a chance. So after 30 seconds, we break for....

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Back, and the Usos are actually getting boos for doing silly-ass dance moves, instead of wrestling. But the Matadores aren't exactly getting cheers, either, since they're the most accomplished comedy act.

So eventually, the crowd just gives up and starts chanting "SEE EMM PUNK." Usually, this sort of wankery pisses me off, but in this case, I dunno...

Jey is a quasi-Face-in-Peril, Tag to Jimmy. Pier Four Brawl. Jey takes out on Matadore with a plancha. Torito distracts Jimmy, while the other Matadore hits a cheap roll-up. And just like that, the two top tag teams in WWE have been beaten. Are you seriously telling me there isn't room in the Andre Battle Royale to hide the New Day and Matadores; are we really resorting to a four-way, when we all really want to see Cesaro/Kidd and the Usos light it up in a serious tag title feud?

Your Winners: Los Matadores, via pinfall, in 6 mintues. But remember, the first half of that was a commercial break. I get what they're doing, but unless the tag title match is elim rules, and ends with 15 minutes of champs vs. Usos, just involving the New Day and Matadores doesn't do it for me. Not because of the in-ring talent of said men.... just because no matter how good the Colons and Kofi are, they detract from the compelling drama, not add to it, since nobody cares about them at present time.

Backstage: Seth Rollins and the Stooges are talking. The Stooges still don't trust Randy Orton (who knew they'd be the smart ones?), but Rollins tells them to relax. "Do you really think Randy Orton would go out there, and tell me to my face EXACTLY what his plan is, and then still expect it to work. Don't be crazy, he was just joshing, we're all one big happy Authority." Yep, Randy's crazy.... crazy like a... like a.... don't make me say, people.... please, I'm beggin' ya, can you just fill in the blank for yourself?

Good. I don't have to say it. So, Seth Rollins, OO still knows Randall Orton is functionally illiterate, with an IQ lower than many house plants, but suddenly, he IS smarter than you, Architect Boy...

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PRAYER ANSWERED THEATRE

Bray Wyatt is already in the ring, surrounded by the Fireflies. He's got a mic, and begins, "I never sleep, yet I am always dreaming. In these dreams, I see the world not as it is, but as it should be. I see cities dying, governments crumbling. There is such beauty in chaos, is there not? I see the buzzards circling, and I follow them. I follow them, and I am shocked by what I see. Below the buzzards is a man. Below the buzzards is a carcass. Below the buzzards is.... the Undertaker. Or at least, what's left of him."

"Deadman, can't you see? Can't you see? It should be clear by now. It was pride, pride was my sin. It is what cast me down, it is what led me to you. It is why I will not worship you. It is why I will not even stand by your side. It is why I must stand over your broken bones and ascend to your throne. I will not be your redeemer. I will be your destroyer. I am the new face of fear."

"That's right, this is how it must be. They know this is how it must be. You always knew the Streak was going to end. But you always thought you'd leave on your own terms, and that's just not going to happen. I'm begging you to come to WrestleMania, and you can think it'll be your ressurection, you can think it'll be your requiem. But it will be your final resting place."

"So will you answer me? Will you come with me? Come out, come out, wherever you are...." Bray steps back, and reveals that he's got the Urn in the middle of the ring, with him. It is on top of an oddly oversized box. You know, a man-inside-sized box.

Bray does some more monologue, then opens up the Urn, and there's nothing inside. So he sits it back down on the too-large box. And suddenly, it starts to smoke. Because even if there's not a man inside that box, there ARE special effects.

The lights go out, and more special effects play, as lightning and thunder strike.... then, total darkenss.

ANd when the lights come back up, the Urn and the oversized box are gone.... in their place is Bray's rocking chair.

The Voice of the Undertaker says, "You. Will. Rest. In. Peace." And then some more lightning special effects happen, and suddenly, the rocking chair is on fire. As the Undertaker's theme plays, Bray slinks back into a corner, trying to half-laugh at the mindgames, but also acting half-spooked by them.

Hokay. I'm on record as being against the Gay Spooky crapola, but I still think there's value in visuals and stuff like that. So let's be clear: I'm not against playing into the Undertaker's supernatural side... but I AM against how retarded this was in its construction and execution. If WWE thinks they can get away with giant, suspicious sized boxes and special effects that leave a live audience pissed off an annoyed (counting on the TV audience to be the only one that matters), they can kindly go fornicate themselves, because they're doing it wrong.

Or more speficially, there's a way to do more or less what they WANTED to do here, but not nearly as stupidly. But they didn't. They did it THAT way, instead.

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS & RANDY ORTON (w/ the New Stooges)

By the time they do ring entrances for everyone and get the match started, it is 11:04pm (eastern). Ahhhh, yes, Time Management, my old friend. Seth Rollins, embiggened by the night's events, insists on starting. So Orton lets him.

When Reigns gets the better of it, J&J start bitching at Orton to go help him. Instead, Orton admonishes them and says it's all OK, let Rollins do what he does best.

And Rollins makes him look like a genius, as he takes over. In fact, it quickly gets to the point where Rollins drops Reigns' throat across the middle rope. As Rollins distracts the ref, the Stooges implore Orton to attack Reigns, while he's vulnerable... but instead, Orton drops down and tells the Stooges the settle down, THEY GOT THIS.

The Stooges won't back down this time, and Orton has to coldcock NOble. Rollins sees this, and sides with Orton, because he's apparently even dumber than the dumbest guy on the roster. In fact, Rollins tells J&J to leave the ring, because THEY GOT THIS.

Now, there's nobody left. Show and Kane are gone. J&J are gone. And as soon as Rollins gets in trouble, he discovers Randy is not on his side, either.

Randy just steps down, flips the double bird (presumably; the cameras conveniently miss it), and Rollins eats a spear and gets pinning.

Your Winner: Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in 4 mintues. Pretend to be shocked!

After the Match: Orton and Reigns made eyes, but then relaxed, and Reigns just left, as if to suggest that Orton should have his way with Rollins. So Orton did. While muttering that he can't believe Rollins was so stupid, Orton decimated Seth, while the crowd chanted "ARE KAY OH."

The beating is fairly convincing. Orton's ham-fisted narration, however, reaches the point of ludicrousness, since he just keeps repeating the same line, Rainman-style, apparently unaware that the live mics already heard him say that. Five times. So much for Randall's cup of coffee NOT coming off like the resident moron.

The brawl spills out into the crowd, and includes a steel chair. Then, it spills back towards the ring, where Orton hits the Hangman DDT (off the barricade, to the floor). Rollins sent into the commentators' desk. Then over it. Then, an RKO onto (and through) it.

Orton is rather pleased with himself as we fade to black...

And so ends the show... it's the first show on this run to WM that was really a true value-add for the Lesnar/Reigns main event, so that's not nothing.

Also, minor gripes aside, that was a pretty solid job of making Rollins vs. Orton. Yes, the crap with Steph was so flimsy and see-through that it is one of Dr. Nick's proven Windows to Weight Gain... but by and large, I appreciate that WWE did more than just have Randall come back, all raging mantard, to attack Rollins. This approach lends a bit more depth to things, and with Rollins MitB in the mix, some subtlety and ambiguity is a good thing. Now, Orton has pissed off Reigns to screw with Rollins.... but Reigns may be WWE champ, and Rollins has MitB, but Rollins also has to deal with Orton... see what I'm getting at.

I digress. Point is, Heyman was pure gold, and introducing the concept of screwing Lesnar out of the title, and Lesnar being prepared to prevent it (or, at least, paying back the screwers) is the first element of that match I might actually start thinking about in an anticipatory fashion. And Orton/Rollins were OK, too.

But it's also a show that didn't do nearly enough other good to justfy 3 hours of your time.

I may actually have lost a bit of interest in Wyatt/Taker because of how badly conceived/executed that was. At least Bray's hologram had the benefit of being utterly surprising as a visual. Taker's burning rocking chair was the result of a GIANT BOX SITTING IN THE RING FOR NO REASON. Bad.

I certainly didn't gain any interest int he IC TItle match. Two matches with zero in-ring value, and zero storyline advancement (Truth just kept treading the same ground, and not even Stardust brought anything new to the table). Plonk. I think I might have LOST interest in the tag title situation, because (a) they spent part of that time focused on E! Network nonsense, and (b) the spent another part on Los Matadores. I don't know which is the greater offense: trying to make me care about whatever happened on a "reality" TV show, or trying to make me care about a comedy tag team that is probably gonna be phased out in favor of the Lucha Dragons before too long....

I dunno. Maybe it's still a show that SHOULD get credit for being "pretty good at storytelling, even if it sucked at in-ring wrestling." Here's the thing, though: that's exactly how I described the past two RAWs. And one wrestling show that has no good wrestling, but is dandy on storylines is welcome. And two in a row that accomplish that goal will not offfend. But three in a row? That dog won't hunt monsignor. Going to the well one too many times, beating a dead horse, rookie mistake, whatever you want to call it...

A good Sports Entertainment Show can't rely on that one dimension. It REALLY can't rely on it three weeks in a row. And it really REALLY can't rely on it when it's done in as slipshod fashion as it was in some spots (Taker/Wyatt, especially) tonight.

Taking a step back, and looking at the big picture, I know tonight's show wasn't THAT different from the past two weeks. But here's the catch: it's the third straight time WWE tried to slip it past us, and that just isn't gonna fly. Law of diminishing returns says I can't do better than a grade of C-minus for tonight.

See you in seven, OO Nation!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.