by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I know, I’m late. Such is the sayeitan era of OO. For “thumbs” explanations, please consult my upcoming website devoted to wrestling opinion, and the establishment of sayeitan as the most comprehensive and entertaining recap on the net. You heard me!

Tonight’s (last night’s) Smackdown! opens with a dramatic retrospective of the events from Monday’s main event, in which groins were stomped, suplexes were executed, and smack was laid down. We get those thrilling mechanical sound effects at key points, like Jericho’s interference. Ross screams “count the fall!” like a madman no less than three times; Rocky flashes the biggest shit-eating grin of 2001.

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The Allstate Arena in Chicago. Our hosts are MICHALE COLE and JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER, and we’ve got a graphic for tonight’s main event: Austin and The Rock taking on Jericho and Angle. That’s right…all four men involved in the main event(s) at this Sunday’s PPV, kinda like the pre-Survivor Series Smackdown! main event but with a different combination of THE SAME FOUR MEN. Cole once again tries to sell a match as having “serious implications” or some such nonsense. Like what? The winner of the match will have “momentum” going into the PPV? That’s a personal favorite of mine.

KANE, THE BIG SHOW and IC CHAMPION EDGE versus TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE DUDLEY BOYZ and WILLIAM REGAL (w/Concealed Brass Knuckles)

The ref pats down Regal before things get underway, which is actually a nice bit of continuity. Brawl to start, and the Duds are unceremoniously tossed to clear the way for Regal and Edge. Regal with the irish whip sending Edge into D-Von’s fist, and Regal tags out quickly. D-Von in to pound away, and he chokes Edge on the ropes. Bubba in – double shoulderblock – patented Bubba elbows and double axehandle. Edge kicks out of a cover for 2, ducks a clothesline, and comes off the ropes for the double clothesline. Simultaneous crawling – simultaneous tags to Kane and D-Von. Kane with a right – right – back bodydrop to the charging Bubba – avalanche in the corner on D-Von. Bubba and Regal get manhandled, then it’s Kane to the top for the flying clothesline. Duds attack, then knock Show off the apron, so Kane comes back with an attempted double clothesline, but he ends up double clotheslined out of the ring. Edge with the flawlessly-timed backslapping tag, and he’s in for just a split second, eating a Regal knee. Show’s in and he’s FED UP! Clotheslines for everyone! Straps down! Stacy gets on the apron and begins…uh… “displaying” herself, until Kane gets up and scares her enough to send her crawling backwards into the ring. Requisite Big Show comedy moment, as he lays Stacy out on his knee and prepares for a moist spanking. Duds break it up – double flapjack. Fortunately, Kane’s back in to lay into the Duds, but he somehow falls into a 3D. Show with a chokeslam on Bubba, but Regal’s got the knucks and it’s a K-O. We’ll assume Regal doesn’t just kiss asses, since the knucks somehow eluded the ref during the patdown. SPEAR from Edge out of the corner, then D-Von eats what Cole calls “Edgecution” (aka the Impaler DDT). The pin is elementary at 3:38. Barely a THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for this clusterfrick. If the faces in the WWF had the foresight and intelligence of Bret Hart, they’d wear a metal plate around their mid-section during encounters with Regal.

Backstage, KURT ANGLE breathes a sigh of relief when MR. McMAHON finally shows up, assuring Angle that he won’t lose his title shot. McMahon also has plans that involve tuning the tables on The Rock: “I know this is supposed to be the night I kiss The Rock’s behind. But don’t be surprised, by the time this night is over, that The Rock is not puckering right on up to my kiester himself. How’s that sound?” 

We get a recap of the Hardyz’ current situation. “You thtop!”, “No, you thtop!” Last Monday, Lita got tossed around, and managed to sound more manly than either brother when screaming, “STOP!”. Tonight, backstage, Matt discusses his Hardcore title shot, which he calls a “warm-up” match for Vengeance. He goes on to suggest Jeff needs warm-up match, considering how things have been going in the ring for him lately. What seems like eons pass, and Jeff reveals he’s confident he’ll be victorious on Sunday. We’re mercifully saved by…

Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon discuss strategy. Angle’s concerned about Vince’s hoarse voice, so he offers him some throat lozenges. “I can’t imagine being Mr. McMahon right now. You’re supposed to get on your  knees, and The Rock is going to drop his drawers, and his BUTTOCKS…will be sticking out, and you’re going to kiss his rear end, I mean…oh my God!” McMahon cuts him off and whispers his plan into his ears. A plan so devious…so evil…even the viewer is not privy! FEEL THE ASS-TIGHTENING TENSION.

The Lugz Boot of the Week features Christian eating the Van Daminator on RAW. Now THAT is appropriate.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPION àROB VAN DAMß versus MATT HARDY

The whole frickin’ frackin’ show is on his way to a PPV to attempt to do what Triple H and Booker before him could not. And I don’t like his chances. Cole calls RVD “calm, cool and collected.” I bet no one ever thought that’d fly as a gimmick. They criss-cross around the ring – shoulderblock from Hardy – leapfrog from Van Dam – into a swinging neckbreaker by Hardy. Matt screams, “hardcore!” I scream, “hardway!” as in, “I hope you bleed…” Matt uses his Spidey sense to locate a ladder under the ring, and hangs it up on the apron. RVD with some rights, but then Matt leaps onto the part of the ladder outside the ring, sending the portion of the ladder inside the ring right into RVD’s groin. RVD tumbles out and that was SICK. Hardy back into the ring, then it’s a baseball slide that sends the ladder into Van Dam. Hardy’s out with the ladder – literally ramming RVD up the ramp. He tosses the ladder – RVD ducks – Hardy into a headlock. BULLDOG onto the ladder! RVD disappears backstage but returns with a garbage can and a steel trunk, which gets rolled into Hardy. Van Dam with the guilltoine legdrop, sending Hardy back to the floor. Fantastic stage action. Cover gets 2, then Van Dam works with the ladder while Matt goes with the garbage can. Canshot to RVD’ head – sandwiched by the ladder – Hardy up on top of the trunk and landing a GROINSPLASH! You know, I’m all for innovation, but driving your balls into a ladder and then walking away as if nothing happened? At least Rob sells the frogsplash like he’s ruptured a kidney. Matt gets 2 and sets up the ladder. To the top, with a chair – off the ladder – VAN DAMINATOR! Hardy’s dead. 1-2-3 (3:57). Not bad, but really, this was the probably the worst these two could do in hardcore conditions. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE.  THE UNDERTAKER comes out sporting a new, shorter ‘do, and dispatches RVD with some ladder shots. Whoop-dee-doo.

This Saturday – Triple H hosts Mad TV! That’s a day before Vengeance! Now the Triple H Vengeance ads make sense! HURRAH!

Backstage, McMahon reveals an element of his nefarious plan to Angle: the throat lozenges will become suppositories. AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Screw Edge and Christian. Forget Foley. THIS IS COMEDY.

SCOTTY 2 HOTTY and ALBERT versus EURO CHAMPION CHRISTIAN and TEST (w/Immunity)

Albert is positively GIDDY at receiving face heat. Really, it’s actually heartwarming seeing the big guy soak it all up. We get highlights of this past Monday, where Test’s monster push continued as he jobbed to Albert and was repeatedly called “Horseface” by Scott. You may not have realized this just yet, but Test can do ANYTHING he wants and not get fired. He could pee on Ric Flair’s pants, or join the “Molest My Ass Against My Will” club back in the women’s locker room. He could come out on any show, at any point, and fart into a microphone. The assumption being that Vince could overturn any suspension made by Flair. We’re fated to hear the words, “Hip Hop Hippo” at least 25 times tonight. Scotty and Christian look to start things out, but Christian tags in Test to disrupt the “little man” battle. Test lays in with rights and shoulders, but Hebner pulls him off, so Test stalks him across the ring. Scotty taking advantage with the missile dropkick – cover for just 1 – Scotty into the ropes and held by Christian. Test charges but takes the boot to the crotch – Christian’s neck snapped over the top rope. Test gets in the lariat and some rights, then it’s back into the corner for more shoulders. Again, Test gets in Hebner’s face. Back to Scotty – AGAIN stalking Hebner. Scotty with the attempted slingshot roll-up, but Test hangs onto the ropes, only to have Hebner kick him off! Count of 2, then Test nails a clothesline and, once again, screams at Hebner. I’m thinking this is leading to something, I dunno. Back to Scotty, who hits a superkick and crawls over to tag in Albert. Clothesline – shoulderblock for the charging Christian – a little bit of jive-punchin’ for Test – SWIIIIIIING for Christian, and the crowd is diggin’ it. Scotty in, and he slingshots Albert into the corners, splashing both heels. Looks to be a W-O-R-M inside the ring on Test, but Christian breaks it up at the last second, twists slowly into an Unprettier, but Albert’s in to take him into the Baldobomb. Albert turning around and eating the SLAP WHAM BOOT from Test. Cover for 3 at 3:46. SLAP WHAM BOOT for Hebner! Now THAT is flexing your immunity muscle. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, and here’s hoping someone justifies this segment and places Test on the PPV. Christian was an absolute non-factor.

Moments Ago: Hey, remember when Test hit the BOOT on Hebner? Man, that ruled.

Mid-Show Main Event: ASS

THE ROCK is out and I hope you’re ready for some MAN on MAN action. Obligatory posing. “The Rock has got some serious business to take care of, right here, in Chi-town!” Rock trades some respectful glances with the Bears’ Brian Urlacher, then assures us we’re going to see some ass-kissing IN THIS VERY RING. MR. McMAHON is out with a smirk, and it turns out, “my name is Vince McMahon. I’m a certified billionaire. That means I can buy and sell you and everyone else in this area over and over. And a man of my distinction – I don’t kiss ass. Much less…the people’s ass.” A sudden “WHAT?” breaks things up, and we cut to “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN on the big screen. 15 WHAT?s later, and it’s revealed Austin has beaten the hell out of Kurt Angle, who he has laid out against a wall backstage. “Stone Cold Steve Austin came here tonight to make sure that you were gonna kiss somebody’s ass! WHAT? WHAT? Do you understand me?”  Moments later, RIC WHOOOOOOOOOO FLAIR is out, and he assures McMahon that if anyone interferes in the salad-tossing, they’ll be suspended. With that, McMahon’s fate is sealed, but not before Rock teases the ass-kissing of JIM ROSS, then TRISH STRATUS, who drops trou and probably blinds The Rock with overwhelming barrage of camera flashes. “WOA WOA WOA…what in the blue hell do you think you’re doing, you sick fffffffreak? No, no. The Rock has another plan. Now the time has come. The jokes are over, the game is over. You’re not gonna kiss The Rock’s ass. You’re not gonna kiss Jim Ross’ ass, you’re not gonna kiss Trish’s ass. There is ONE ass that The Rock has chosen…especially for you.” Familiar music plays and it’s none other than the Master of Assplay, RIKISHI. Ross: “Foreign objects hanging everywhere!” Rock Bottom for McMahon, and then the inevitable – McMahon is forced into the vortex. A farting noise is dubbed over, a la Triple H breaking Ross’ arm, and there you have it – an inflated head meets an inflated ass. Rikishi’s cheeks literally swallow McMahon’s noggin while Rocky tries to hold back some serious giggles. There’s the big blow-off to the major post-Survivor Series exercise in stupidity. Rock declares the “Kiss My Ass Club” officially closed. We get some agonizing and highly excessive slow-motion replays as Vince “has the spits” and we cut to commercials. The segment ran 20 unstoppable minutes.

Moments ago: PBBBBBBLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTT. Poot.

CRASH HOLLY versus JACQUELINE

Yeah, who needs Lance Storm when we have THIS. Maybe, just maybe, if Jackie had actually won this match, there would have been a trace of logic behind it coming into the PPV, but Crash just eats a couple of sequences like a tree of woe into dropkick and swinging DDT before rolling her up at 2:14. She smacks him post-match, and we’re all left in a state of confusion. THUMBS DOWN.

Backstage, Angle tends to his injured neck and absorbs McMahon’s rantings over a cell phone. He tells McMahon he’ll make it up to him by becoming undisputed champion on Sunday. But who’s going to make things up for me? And by God, HOW?

The Playstation Shock of the Week is Undertaker asking McMahon to drop his pants. Nothing shocking there, folks.

Meanwhile, BOOKER T. hooks up with Flair, and they’re surprisingly cordial. Booker’s looking for Vince. Flair assures Booker that if he has an issue with the company, he can just as easily be consulted. Booker’s looking for a job, but Flair’s not hiring. “You didn’t say that…tell me you didn’t just say that.” Flair: “I’m not hiring tonight.” We then get the most understated “Whoo” in the history of Flair. OUCH!

Meanwhile, during meanwhile, THE APA feel Undie owes them an explanation. Loyalty, Acolytes, yadda yadda. They’ve taken Undie’s turn a little personally. ‘Taker: “I haven’t slapped anyone in the face. If I slapped anyone in the face – you two would be sitting here crying. You two think you’re better than me? I’m on my way to the ring right now. You get it together, and I’ll show you what it means to respect somebody, even if I gotta beat it outta you.” Bradshaw: “Let’s dance.” Faarooq can’t even get a “DAMN!” in before we cut to commercials. THE MINISTRY COLLIDES…NEXT!

THE UNDERTAKER (w/Lack of Respect) versus BRADSHAW

Oh man, how I have longed for yet another slobberknocker. Undie takes control, landing some shoulder in the corner. Bradshaw counters – irishwhip into a shoulderblock. Rights in the corner from Bradshaw, then a swinging neckbreaker. Elbow – cover for 2. ‘Taker calls for a time out, then tosses Bradshaw out. Bradshaw posted – eating a clothesline. ‘Taker working him over on the apron, then we’re back in for some more punching action. Big boot from Bradshaw saves him momentarily. FAAROOQ decides to commandeer Undie’s bike, but that doesn’t faze him – BIG BOOT on Bradshaw. One chokeslam later and Mean Mark scores the pin (3:18). THUMBS DOWN. Undie makes his way up the ramp looking for Faarooq, but instead gets pasted with a chair from à Rob Van Dam ß.

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin sacrifices himself to Creed once again. You can’t help but feel a little emotional towards the end.

CHRIS JERICHO is interviewed by some muscular woman. Typical heel promo, with lots of references to fans being “nothing” and becoming a living legend. Being a top-level heel is really exposing Jericho’s overrated stature, and it’s most evident when he cuts these deadly boring promos.

CHRIS “RED ROOSTER” JERICHO and KURT ANGLE versus WORLD CHAMPION THE ROCK and WWF CHAMPION “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN

Man…The Rock really needs to learn to wait for his partner to show up before he charges the ring. Angle and Jericho beat him down but the glass eventually breaks to even the odds. Austin all over Angle – STUNNER! 1-2-Jericho breaks it up. Jericho and Austin now, with Austin punching away and sending Jericho into the corner. Jericho flips out, but eats a clothesline. Cover for 2, then it’s Austin sending Jericho head-first into the turnbuckle with a slingshot. Walls of Austin, but Angle breaks it up. Austin sends him out and tags in Rock. Rock all over Jericho  - irish whip – flying shoulder from Jericho. Dropkick on the fallen Rock, then a tag to Angle. Angle with some punches in the corner, then some chops. Rock reverses and chops away, then hits a clothesline. Hooked belly-to-belly, then he drags Angle over to the face corner and makes the tag. Austin with 4 chops – irish whip is reversed – Jericho nails Austin as he hits the rope. Into an attempted belly-to-belly – Austin breaks out, but gets caught again. He elbows out of the belly-to-back, then tries a stunner but gets pushed into Jericho, who gets knocked off the apron. Finally, an overhead belly-to-belly on the rebound, then Angle works him over with some stomps and punches. Tag to Jericho  and Angle opens up Austin for some lefts and rights. Chops and kicks in the corner, but Austin CHARGES out and takes down Jericho. Irish whip – Jericho ducks the clothesline – he catches Austin – WALLS OF JERICHO. Rock breaks it up. Angle gets the tag and nails The Rock, but Austin’s all over him. He goes for the groinkick, but Angle catches him and it’s an anklelock! Jericho occupying The Rock on the outside! Austin refusing to tap – Angle grimacing – Austin grabs the rope. Jericho’s in to help Angle pull him away, but the ref’s having none of that, backing Jericho into a corner. Rock’s in to take out Angle. Simultaneous crawling to corners – simultaneous hot tags! Rock with the punch – punch – flying clothesline off the ropes – SPIT PUNCH for Angle on the apron! He ducks a Jericho clothesline and Angle eats it, DDT on Jericho! The crowd is clinical! 1-2-NO! Angle breaks it up. Austin’s in to take Angle out, and they chop away on the outside. Back in, the ref is distracted by the outside melee and Jericho nails the lowblow, then the Rock Bottom (Version Canadien)! 1-2-NO! Austin with the axehandle! Angle pulling him back out, and back inside Rock hits the spinebuster. SHARPSHOOTER! Angle tries to make it back to the ring, but Austin has FIRMEST grip you ever did see! JERICHO TAPS! (8:01). As if it weren’t enough to be taken out by a DDT, and then a Rock Sharpshooter, Angle concludes things by Angleslamming Jericho. Mind-numbing, but a THUMBS UP nonetheless. Rock and Austin toast their titles with some beer. FEEL THE SPORTSMANSHIP!

THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for the Ass-kissing segment, and THUMBS DOWN for the ludicrous Angle/McMahon BS backstage. This is the epitome of a THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE show leaning towards the ground.

Man, if Jericho doesn’t take it all on Sunday, we’re all doomed to taste the lowest levels of illogic we’ve ever had fed to us by the WWF. And why no tag line for Vengeance? Possibly because no one is really getting any sort of vengeance. UT/RVD – a  matter of respect. The Hardys – a matter of sibling rivalry. Regal and Edge – a matter of one man spending too much time on his cellphone and another anally concealing his brass knucks. Big Show/Kane and The Duds – a matter of lazy booking. The World title tournament – a matter of stupidity. No Vengeance in there, whatsoever. The Unforgiven PPV – “the guilty will pay.” THEY ARE UNFORGIVEN! Vengeance PPV – “the people who order this will pay.” THEY WILL WANT VENGEANCE! Believe me.

I’m not saying anything short of Triple H being positioned against Flair by being handed the reins by McMahon and forcing the “mini-tournament” winner to take on Chris Benoit, the real unbeaten WCW champion, will be disappointing. It’s just that I can’t see anything exciting coming out of this PPV. It seems Jericho pretty much has to score at least one victory, so we won’t be given Rock/Austin just yet. And anything else is just another glorified edition of RAW or SD. RVD/UT could have easily been something, but instead of working on the “reality” end of things and emphasizing RVD’s quick ascension and UT’s current “lack of respect”, we just have an angle that’s been slapped together as easily as Regal/Edge and the tag title match. Weak, to say the least. But I’m still optimistic – Flair’s hanging out, The God of Thunder (aka Triple H) is right around the corner, and it’s obvious McMahon, when not indulging in ridiculous self-serving booking, knows how to take drastic measures. One week’s Flair and Lawler could be next week’s Hall and Nash.

E-MAIL EITAN
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.