by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I’d print some letters to start things off, but I don’t get letters. So…

On to tonight’s (last night’s) Smackdown! which most likely features 20 minutes of Rocky, several pedigrees, lots of references to the top rope, and general PPV build-up. FEEL THE MOMENTUM SHIFTS!

We skip the dramatic retrospectives this week and cut right to the chase: THE ROCK strolls into the building and happens upon “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN. Austin: “Where ya been?” Rock: “Excuse me?” Notice the subtle avoidance of anything resembling a “buzz” word. Seems that Austin’s been waiting to give some good news, and of course, some bad news to Rocky. The good news being that Austin is taking the Rumble; the bad news being that, by defeating Jericho for the championship, The Rock faces a third beating at Wrestlemania. Then Austin manages to have me ROTFLMAO and all sorts of other acronyms by taking a sip of beer, turning his head, and concluding, “Thank you. That’s all I have.” Rocky informs Austin he hasn’t forgotten their Wrestlemania track record, in fact, he was thinking about it while beating Austin at Survivor Series. Game, set, match. 

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The CenturyTel Center in Louisiana. Our hosts are MICHALE COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 72 HOURS AWAY FROM AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH. We’ve got a graphic for tonight’s main event: Kurt Angle and Booker T. taking on Austin and THE GOD OF THUNDER, in his less-than-epic return to the ring. Good to see that Tag Team Randomizer © hasn’t forgotten where Triple H left off.

ROB VAN DAM versus WILLIAM REGAL

RVD taking on Regal? Give this four minutes or so and I’m grinning like Divine. Regal gets the weak pat-down and he’s HELLBENT ON REVENGE because Edge broke his nose in 17 different places and fucked his mother. They lock it up, into a headlock by Van Dam that gets turned around into a Regal armwringer. Van Dam flips out of it – to the ropes – attempted hiptoss by Regal but Van Dam lands on his feet. RVD with a spin-kick that Regal brushes away (Cole: “What a shot!”), then a quick sweepkick with the other leg. Tight corkscrew legdrop gets 2. Another kick – irish whip is reversed – Regal pulling Van Dam into a high elbow. Gutwrench suplex by Regal KILLS Van Dam, then it’s some big league stomping, peppered with knees. Cover gets 2, then the crowd goes into full-on chant mode. Short rear chinlock – into a European uppercut – lefts and NO rights while Van Dam hangs on the ropes. Jumping rake to the face from the boots, and you can chant all you want…REGAL OWNS IT. Regal tying up Van Dam with his own arms and choking him. Van Dam fighting…fighting…pulling Regal into a back bodydrop! Quick cradle out of the corner gets 1…2…NO! BIG forearm from Regal puts Van Dam down again. Into a camel clutch-style chinlock – Van Dam battling up with some elbows. He breaks it, right, right – irishwhip reversed – RVD somersaulting over and trying a kick. Regal holds the leg – skip-over enziguiri! Spinning heel kick! ROLLING THUNDER! Cover gets 2.5. Van Dam charging with an elbow – to the top – FLAWLESS CROSS BODY! Another count of 2, then Regal backpeddles into a corner while Van Dam somersaults. Regal sidesteps, sending RVD facefirst into the turnbuckle. YEAH, BABY. Another European uppercut, then Regal works over RVD on the apron. Now Regal walks over to the timekeeper’s table and grabs the knucks, because THAT MAKES SENSE. Casually grabbing a chair and attracting the ref, Regal walks right into a waiting RVD, who sends him back in, then follows to eat a shoulderblock. Van Dam kicks out – to the top – flying kick sends Regal to the mat. Now it’s Van Dam with some shoulders in the corner, but he flips out to gain momentum and charges right into the foregone conclusion. 1,2, and 3 at 5:05. THUMBS UP. Good, good stuff that helps Regal out a lot, thanks to floundering between tag team stuff and short squashes with the likes of Tazz. Credibility plus tons of heelish goodness. 

Backstage, KURT ANGLE is looking for The Rock. The crowd chants “What” while Angle berates the hired help. I bet he’s looking to SHIFT THE MOMENTUM!

We return from the commercials and whadda ya know, Angle’s found Rocky. He has a vision of himself taking on The Rock at Wrestlemania. Rocky’s all too happy to oblige by having Angle close his eyes and fully visualize the “greatest match of all time” with Angle coming out on top.  But then Rock snaps him out of it, informing him that he’s just dreaming. Reality would look more like, “Rock Bottom on Kurt Angle. Spinebuster on Kurt Angle. People’s Elbow on Kurt Angle. 1…2…3.” Funny stuff, and not just because Rock said “pinebuster”.

BILLY versus TAJIRI

Tajiri brings a piece of tin with him to the ring, and I’m assuming it won’t be up for grabs tonight. Collar and elbow to start, into the corner, then Billy breaks, bows, and stomps. Into the opposite corner – Billy running into a foot. Tajiri into the ropes – Billy missing the clothesline – headscissors takedown from Tajiri. That’s not quite enough to keep Billy down, so Tajiri busts out the forced enziguiri. Stomping – Tajiri into the ropes – caught by Billy. Sit-out full nelson facebuster! Wow…Billy, I thought I knew you. Tajiri tries to shake it off but he’s busy eating boot. Right hand sends Tajiri out – he’s back in moments later – SUPERKICK out of nowhere! Billy tossed into a corner – boot to the mid-section – swinging DDT out of the corner! Cover gets 2, then Lawler informs us we’ve almost witnessed “an upset”. Hey Tajiri: FLUSH. The reverse elbow off the ropes connects, and it’s another close cover. Billy reverses a whip into the corner and charges, but Tajiri goes up and over…TASTE THE TARANTULA! The ref breaks it up as Tajiri sets up for THE KICK OF DOOM, but CHUCK ain’t having it! He charges in, only to be MIST-IFIED (GREEN EDITION)! That’s plenty enough distraction for the KICK WHAM FAMEASSER. The cover is elementary (2:43). THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Tajiri eats a superkick from Chuck just so we really get the point.

Great stuff in and out of the ring thus far tonight. Best of all, NOTHING OFFENSIVE. Perhaps I underestimated just how much the momentum is shifting. Jonathon Coachman tries catching up with The God of Thunder, but apparently he’s off to see The Rock, because he’s been waiting patiently in line.

We return from the commercials, and whadda ya know, TRIPLE H is staring down The Rock. Rock: “Before you say anything…you and The Rock have unsettled business.” H: “That’s all in our past. We still have business in the future.” This Sunday, 29 guys, yadda, yadda. CLEARLY, it’ll be Rock and Triple H at Wrestlemania. I guess if Austin was the friendly rival, and Angle was the comic relief, H is nemesis.

TRISH STRATUS breaks up the flow of goodness with an interview with Lilian Garcia. At least, that was the plan. This time, they know better than to let these two utter more than a single sentence – JAZZ shows up with a VICIOUS shove. She slams the lid of a crate onto Trish’s hand, and Trish plays it like it’s TONS OF STEEL. Jazz: “See ya Sunday, Champ!” Two words: Shift, and momentum.

Moments Ago: Something shifted, but it was nothing in my pants. Thank Jazz for that.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE versus BOSSMAN: Reinstatement Match

Page is money in the bank, and maybe this time they know it. Third time’s a charm? Lawler: “Nobody beats the Bossman!” Hardsell doesn’t even begin to describe this match. Good ol’ collar and elbow in the corner, then it’s another heelish break that sees Page eating a STIFF right. Stomping – whip into the opposite corner – Page BOUNCING off. Page fights back with lefts and rights, then a spinning clothesline. Into a premature cover for 1. More lefts and rights, then Page runs into the boot. Some chokes, and that’s as close to psychology as you’ll get with Traylor. Dumb spot as they trade chokes, then Page is thrown to the mat. More stomps – Page into the ropes – PINEBUSTER. More choking until Page comes to life again with some punches, but it’s over soon enough as he comes off the ropes and into a sleeper. Jawbreaker gets him out, and the crowd DIGS IT. BIG lariat – more punches – LOW blow from Bossman. Bossman dropping Page into a turnbuckle, then Page shows off his professionalism by “climbing up” Bossman and pinching his nose. You heard me. Bossman chuckles it off and attempts a bodyslam – Page goes up and over – DIAMONDCUTTER! Pity Bossman, idiot that he is, takes it like a Stunner. Pinfall follows at 3:05. THUMBS DOWN. Crowd popped HUGE for the ‘Cutter.

It’s THE UNDERTAKER’s turn to present a Wrestlemania scenario to Rock. Sweet…is Scotty 2 Hotty next? This one’s short and sweet, which, if anything, makes the ‘Taker look pretty weak. Rock tries to salvage it by walking off to the ring, never turning his back on Mean Mark.

The Clearasil “Smack of the Night” is last week’s TOPE SUICIDA from Rob Van Dam. CARUMBA!

The Rock is in the ring! FEEL THE CHAMPIONSHIP DESIRE. “Apparently, there’s not going to be one winner of the Royal Rumble. Everybody is going to win the Royal Rumble. Steve Austin told The Rock he’s going to win the Royal Rumble. Kurt Angle told The Rock he’s going to win the Royal Rumble. The Undertaker, Triple H, they’re all gonna win the Royal Rumble. Big Show, Booker T…The Rock even got a postcard from that freak Goldust, saying he’s going to win the Royal Rumble!” From there, Rock commandeers a camera and starts in about how people in the audience, as seen through “The Rock Cam” are going to win the Royal Rumble. Hey, we haven’t seen the Rock Cam in years! Wasn’t it Backlash 2000 or so? Rock says something about a Punky Brewster Ice Cream Sandwich. You heard me. CHRIS JERICHO breaks up the festivities with lots of screaming and spastic body movements. “How dare you, Rock! How dare you disrespect me, Rock! I am the undisputed champion! I am the man you will be facing this Sunday at the Royal Rumble, and you haven’t even mentioned my name one time!” Gotta love the cowardly heel demanding some attention during PPV promos. He’s pissed that he’s the most overlooked champion of all time. Personally, I’d nominate Kane or Big Show, perhaps Sid. He reminds The Rock that he had the chance to be undisputed champion at Vengeance. When he screams, “YOU FAILED!” he sounds just like Cobra Commander, this is how upset he is. “You can face anybody you want at Wrestlemania! But it won’t be for this championship! Because this championship is not yours, Rock! It’s MINE! IT’S MINE! IT’S ALL MINE! IT’S ALL MINE!” Seriously channeling Shane Douglas, circa 1996, with that one. The Rock cuts him off and talks about “the boys in the back” and the millions of fans knowing the truth…that Jericho isn’t a worthy champion. “IF YA SMELL….” is attempted, but Jericho isn’t having it. “NO! NO, NO, NO, NO! This is not a joke! I am not a joke! I am serious! You will not look past me, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!” NICE. Rock removes the shades, slo-owly walks up the ramp to meet Jericho, then responds: “The Rock does not think this is a joke. He’s not smiling, he’s not laughing. So you know…The Rock is taking you very serious, Chris Jericho. Dead serious, Chris Jericho, and cannot wait – to whoop – your candyass – at the Royal Rumble this Sunday night.” Finally, a subdued “If ya smell…” while Jericho pouts. If it was Jericho’s goal not to look like a chump, it ain’t happening. Verdict: Gold.

RIKISHI versus CHRISTIAN and LANCE STORM: Over The Top Challenge

Um…yes, well. I guess the idea here is that Rikishi is going to toss the Canadians like so much excess mid-carder. Storm and Christian charge in and pounce – Rikishi into the ropes – hitting a double clothesline. A right for Storm, then Christian is sent into the ropes and tries a sunset flip into a roll-up, because that’s really what you’re looking for in an OVER THE TOP CHALLENGE. Rikishi threatens with the SIT-DOWN OF DOOM, but Storm nails a spinning heel kick. They stomp away in the corner and attempt to toss the big man, but Rikishi’s back with some lefts and rights. Storm fights back with some knees and elbows – back into a double team. Whip into the ropes – Christian eats a boot and Storm takes the Samoan Drop. Lefts and rights for Christian, then Rikishi stacks them into a corner. Charging butt into the corner takes out Storm as Christian side-steps, but he runs into a clothesline. Stinkface on Storm, then a superkick that ends his night. That’s what you get for talkin’ WHAT? Talkin’ smack. Christian follows moments later by being flipped out and onto Storm. Fan-fucking-tastic (1:40). THUMBS DOWN. The stupidity continues as BIG SHOW decides this segment needs that special something. Do you think Wight is spending his days screaming “HEY YOU GU-UYS!” out the window while wearing his old nWo t-shirt? Show’s up on the apron, and he absorbs some shots to the head. In with a clothesline – off the ropes – right into a Samoan Drop. Rikishi foolishly tries the bodyslam, but Show turns it into one of his own. He carries him off to the ropes, then tosses him, because HE’S A MONSTER. The crowd is, indeed, impressed. Next up, THE APA is in to toss in their two cents. Show’s out moments later, then Bradshaw makes like he’s tossing Faarooq out, but he pulls him back in. Bradshaw’s having fun with it, but Faarooq is like, “DAMN!” He tosses Bradshaw, but the Texican holds onto the ropes to “stay in”. The fun and games end as KANE emerges. Cole tells us he’s a “dark horse”, an “underdog”, a “threat”, a “guy who drew #6 last year and took it to the very last moments of the Rumble”. I added that last bit. Kane takes all sorts of punishment, but HE’S A MONSTER, so he tosses both guys out. Kane…uh…wins. Whatever.

The Stacker 2 “Burn of the Week” features Spike defeating Bubba this past Monday on RAW.

We’re treated to SHOCKING FOOTAGE of THE DUDLEY BOYZ taking out Tazz and Spike in the parking lot. Bubba plants Tazz into the grill of a truck, then locks him in the trunk of another car in the lot. From there, Spike is decimated and ultimately eats a SICK Death Drop on the pavement. This is why I miss those late nights on the MSG network.

Backstage, Austin asks Debra to stay in the locker room while he tries to “co-exist” with Triple H. Debra wants a piece of Stephanie, but it looks like she’ll have to wait. Just like we’ll all have to wait, in silent anticipation.

Meanwhile, BOOKER T. talks strategy with Angle. Angle assures Booker that Triple H is that damn good, but he is “much better.” Booker: “Yeah, tonight it’s gonna be ill. It’s gonna be SIZICK. It’s gonna be sweet.” Angle: “Oh yeah! Sweet and sour like an ice cold shower, word!” The best part is he finishes the homey-speak with a crossing of devil salutes. Booker: “WHAT?” Angle: “don’t say that word. I hate that word.” Cue the audience. They close it out by arguing about the Rumble.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION EDGE versus TEST

Test has a new entrance theme. Think Soundgarden, but crappier. They lock it up, then Edge goes behind and eats an elbow. Big rights, into an irishwhip – HIDEOUS hurricanrana from Edge that almost breaks him in half. Spinning heel kick off the ropes, into a cover that gets 2. Edge missing a clothesline – Test trying a back bodydrop – Edge flipping out. Into a full-nelson from Test – FULL NELSON SLAM. Test pounds away, then takes it to the corner for some elbows and a boot choke. Toss into the opposite corner and a charging clothesline. Then the other corner. Test hooks the legs and gets 1…2…NO. Edge breaking out and hitting a scissorkick, then it’s a clothesline, clothesline, single-arm facebuster. Cover gets 2. Back up, Edge gets pulled into a boot. Test with the attempted powerbomb, but Edge flips out and puts on the headlock. Test charging into a corner and he pounds away with the shoulders. Into a pumphandle – Edge flips out again, up and over and into an Edge-o-Matic! Cradle gets 2, then Edge clothesline them both out, and lands right on his friggin’ back. Back up, they pound away, then Regal shows up with the knucks and attempts the shot from behind, but Edge is all over it. Test with a chair – SPEAR! Chairshot for Regal – chairshot for Test! EDGE IS PSYCHO! DQ at 3:45. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Back in the ring, Edge stares down Nick Patrick. HE IS EVIL so he eats the chair, too. Edge bumps like mad and he didn’t even really have to.

We get a Royal Rumble promo package. Meanwhile, Triple H would prefer that Stephanie stay behind during the main event. She’s obviously offended, but The God of Thunder needs to do it alone. Pouting ensues. Up Next: TAG TEAM MOMENTUM SHIFTING.

The X Box “Slam of the Week” is Debra slapping Stephanie silly.

BOOKER T. and KURT ANGLE versus STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and TRIPLE H

I dunno. I envisioned something on a bit of a grander scale for Triple H for these past couple of weeks. Oh well…I guess a Rumble victory should suffice. Austin and H make the mistake of committing to the staredown to start things off, giving Angle ample opportunity to pounce. Problem is, he runs right into the turnbuckles and gets batted around by Austin and H. Booker’s in to take the BIG right from Austin, then H retreats to the apron as Austin sets up in the corner for some crowd-counted punches. They get to 10 in numbers, which is a lot better than 10 in “WHAT?!”s. Angle tries the atomic drop but Austin ain’t having it – clothesline for Angle – Booker in to eat one of his own. Angle finally takes over, and we go into the corner for some chopping and stomping. Whip is reversed – Angle ducks two clotheslines – into a bear hug and hotshotted on the top rope. Austin’s all over him – cover for 2. Back up, Angle rakes the eyes and makes the quick tag. Booker’s in to eat a clothesline, then it’s the MOMENTUM SHIFTING TAG OF IMPENDING DOOM to the God of Thunder. Austin opens up Booker for some kicks, then it’s into the corner for some Triple H brand stomping. BIG swipe for Angle, who ducks, giving Booker time to come out of the corner with a clothesline – missing – neckbreaker from H. This time, H doesn’t miss Angle with a right, but he turns back around into a HUGE superkick from Booker. Tag to Angle, and he corners H. Not a good idea, as it turns out, as H explodes onto Angle with the patented choke on the mat we saw on RAW last week. Dragging Angle to the corner – TAG OF TENSION to Austin. Stomp, suplex, suplex, kneedrop. Angle clutches and drives Austin to the heel corner, making the desperation tag to Booker. They trade rights, then it’s Booker into the ropes and off with a shoulderblock. Into the ropes again – ducking a clothesline – into a PINEBUSTER from Austin! Cover gets 2. Austin tries the stunner, then gets pushed off into Angle, sending him off the apron. Booker unloads with the sidekick. Angle back in with some chops and stomps, then a suplex. Some taunting for H, then Austin comes out of the corner with some rights. Irish whip – Angle ducks a clothesline – LOU THESZ PRESS. Austin off the ropes and into the overhead belly-to-belly! Tag to Booker, and he tries a cover for a count of 2. Chinlock, but Austin powers out with some elbows. Booker pulls him into a knee to the gut, then hits the AXE KICK. Why take advantage when we can SPINAROONIE, then Booker does a little shuffle and lands another sidekick. 1..2..H WITH THE SAVE. Blind tag to Angle, who stomps a mudhole in the corner, then makes the mistake of tagging Booker back in. Austin with some rights, but Angle’s back in with the shove from behind. H gets a cheapshot on the apron, then it’s a double-team on Austin until Angle gets a clothesline and Booker gets one, too, but not without taking Austin down with him. EVERYONE’S DEAD. Slo-ow crawl over to H, then it’s the MOLTEN LAVA TAG, and the GOD OF THUNDER SUMMONING POWER BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION. Big double clothesline, then some kneelifts, then Booker’s taken to the corner for some shots to the head. Angle’s back up, so he’s tossed into Booker in the corner, and it’s the DOUBLE MUDHOLE STOMP. Angle reverses a whip into the corner, then charges, but no one’s home. Right into the steel post and out! H with the PINEBUSTER on Booker, then a flurry of rights. H roaring – irish whip reversed – into THE KNEE! Angle saves at the count of 2, then Austin’s in to take Angle right out of the ring. Booker clothesline out by H – they backpeddle to the center of the ring – IT’S LIKE HOGAN AND SAVAGE ALL OVER AGAIN! The second staredown again gives the heels an advantage, as they pound away for a bit, only to have Austin toss Angle out once again. VICIOUS spinning spinebuster on Booker from H, then he sets up for the pedigree. Angle’s in with the belly-to-back to save, but then Austin’s in to knock Angle out AGAIN. Booker tries a leaping kick – Austin ducking – STUNNER! Booker dazed…confused…into THE PEDIGREE! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GAME! 1,2,3 (9:47). THUMBS UP, as if there were any question with Angle and Austin in the ring at the same time. The Undertaker shows up to stare down the two victors, because really, that’s about all he can do right now.

A big THUMBS UP for backstage shenanigans and the resulting confrontation between Rocky and Jericho barely gives this one an overall thumbs up. Some solid in-ring action, and some solid storytelling for the PPV. You can’t tell me the Rumble doesn’t look like loads of fun, and I’m picking Triple H based on the lack of anything really consequential surrounding his return so far. Gotta go with Jericho again, for the same reason I went with him for Vengeance: he’s being treated like a bump in the road. A big win over Rocky, and a subsequent slap in the face for the fans, will do well for taking Jericho to the next level. The only bit that bothers me is that it would make it the third time Jericho goes over Rocky on PPV in a relatively short period of time. No Vince and Flair on this one, which is probably for the best, since the story’s been told to death. They hate each other, they bloodies each other, leave it alone. Should be fun. Until next week, enjoy, and don’t be too smark for you own good.

E-MAIL EITAN
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.