by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome one and all…to quite possibly the only recap/rant/review you’ll read this week without any mention of Star Trek whatsoever. You’d think it would be a qualification for writing this stuff.

Some thoughts on RAW: no mention of the great opening montage anywhere on the net. A touching tribute to past Rumble winners, and a great recap of the circumstances leading to the 2002 Rumble. Curiously, Bret/Lex was MIA, but then again, so was the belief that anyone other than Triple H had a chance in hell at winning that thing. Could a PPV have been more telegraphed? I mean, seriously. Every single match on the show aside from Vince/Flair would have been a jackpot waiting to happen in Vegas. Personally, I welcome the return of Hall and Nash, because something has to be done about this “cruise control” mentality. The fact is that we’ve just about exhausted any possible combos of Rock, Angle, Austin, Jericho and H. Not to mention Rob Van Dam has been tossed into that mix WAY too often, and Booker T. was dead and buried moments after Summerslam went off the air. Something has to shake things up, and 4 former intercontinental champions just ain’t gonna cut it. So go ahead Vince. You have more to regret by keeping with the status quo.

On to tonight’s (last night’s) Smackdown!, which was clearly the harbinger for NWO…No Way Out, that is! And you won’t believe the shocking returns…like the concept of the #1 contender mini tournament and Jacqueline as a ref, of course.

We open with a dramatic retrospective of Monday’s events: Everyone lost, Vince is about to do something even he will regreat…and we’ll see. The usual sweet opening that concludes with a blood-red tint on McMahon’s face and some Psycho-like music. FEEL THE BIG, SEXY TENSION! 

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The Coliseum in South Carolina. Our hosts are MICHALE COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 8 WEEKS  AWAY FROM AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH. We’ve got a graphic for tonight’s main event: Stone Cold taking on Booker T. in a #1 Contender Qualifying Match. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! We also get The Rock colliding with Kurt Angle’s floating torso in a second qualifying match. You know, I remember the days when something like that would have been set up within the show, thus adding little things like intrigue and unpredictability. But who needs that when we’ve got TWO PAY PER VIEW MAIN EVENT-CALIBER CONFRONTATIONS?

ROB VAN DAM versus INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WILLIAM REGAL – Non-Title

Hey! Just like last week’s SmackDown!, but with a moronic twist. We get highlights of RAW 2 weeks ago when RVD and Edge tasted the knucks, then last week’s RAW where Regal received some of his own medicine. We completely skip events occurring exactly one week ago that would have made more sense in setting up this particular match, but I digress. RVD gets things going before Regal even has a shot at taking off the belt with a slingshot crossbody to the floor. Regal tossed into the ring, and there’s a flying heel kick. Standing dropkick to the head sets up ROLLING THUNDER. Some Rights – Irish whip reversed – Van Dam ducking a Regal chop – off the ropes with a spinning heel kick. To the top…can it be? FIVESTAR FROGSPLASH and that’s all she wrote (0:50). THUMBS DOWN. Well how about that? I’m thinking EDGE feels like a COMPLETE loser right now. And here he comes, confirming my suspicions, with a SPEAR OF FRUSTRATION. There’s a lesson in really, really bad booking to be learned somewhere here.

VINCE McMAHON is talking to himself in his office. At least they’re being consistent with his character. “I know what you’re thinking…and you’re wrong. You’re thinking…I don’t have the guts. Isn’t that right? That’s what you’re thinking. I don’t have any alternative. Tonight, I have to do something that even I will regret. And I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it…tonight.” And from directly catering to smarts we go to…

The X Box Slam of the Week features Rikishi forcing his ass into Bossman’s face and subsequently eliminating him from the Rumble. Is that a grudge match I see on the horizon?

RIKISHI versus THE BOSSMAN

JACQUELINE has apparently become an official WWF referee. SFW? Bossman sends Rikishi out, then they battle on the outside with Bossman gaining the upper hand. Back in, Bossman stomps away until Jacqueline pushes him off, giving Rikishi the chance to turn things around. Big, stupid double chop to the neck puts Rikishi down, then it’s the “slide out of the ring and punch you on the apron” maneuver. Bossman’s back in with kicks and chokes, then a clothesline that spins Rikishi like a hog on a spit. Cover gets 2, so Bossman’s in Jacqueline’s face, but she’s like “NUH UH, NO YOU DIDN’T!” Back to work on Rikishi, and WILL IT EVER END? Superkick kills Bossman dead, then Rikishi actually HITS the buttsplash off the ropes. Bonsai drop into a pinfall follows at 3:18. THUMBS DOWN.

Cole and Lawler babble about the Stephanie/Triple H situation. We’re taken to Monday’s RAW, where H laid down the verbal smack. We head backstage where STEPHANIE is fixing up some coffee, only to be approached by Lillian Garcia. Seems that Lillian's looking to support Stephanie during tumultuous times. Problem is, Stephanie’s in denial. And oh yeah, she’s also psychotic. The coffee gets sent into Lillian's face, and she runs off screaming, “IT’S BURNING! OH GOD IT’S BURNING! IT TASTES LIKE BURNING!” (I added in that last bit). Camera pans to Stephanie, grinning like a high school senior who just got her grad day SUV. Call me easily amused, but that was a wonderful little segment.

TAZZ and SPIKE DUDLEY versus SCOTTY 2 HOTTY and “THE HIP HOP HIPPO” ALBERT

I’ll say one thing about Tazz and Spike’s reign, it’s producing some of the best tag team action in a hell of a long time. And I’m giving it another couple of weeks before Billy and Chuck take things over, sending us back into the abyss. Scotty pumps the audience up, and they’ll need it, because there’s NO CLUE as to who gets the cheers in this one. Tazz and Scotty start with a series of armlocks and reversals, then Tazz unleashes a Salto Suplex and tags in Spike. Scotty retaliates with the tag to Albert. Spike tries the “giant killer” routine but gets squashed. GIANT SWING last about 20 seconds, no joke, and a cover gets 2. Scotty back in with a helicopter suplex and two elbows off the ropes. Tazz breaks up the cover, then Scotty busts out a Rude Awakening. Some stomping and suplexes – snapmare into a dropkick to the head. Another 2, then Scotty sends Spike into a corner and charges into an elbow. Scotty tries a spear but ends up shoulder-first against the steel, MOLTEN LAVA tag to Tazz. Clotheslines for everyone, and a head-and-arm suplex for Scotty. Tazz actually SIGNALS for the Tazzmission, which was probably enough of a hint for Albert to come in and break things up. ALBERTLANCHE into a corner, then Scotty delivers the worm. COULD THIS BE THE END FOR TAZZ AND SPIKE? 1-2-Spike makes the save, even though technically there was no call for it, what with Tazz’ leg ON THE FRIGGIN’ ROPE. Albert pulls Spike back into the ring and tosses him clear across it, but misses another Alberlanche. Dudley Dog on Albert as Tazz and Scotty battle on the apron. Neat bit here as Tazz gets back in the ring and pulls Scotty in over the ropes – courtesy a TAZZMISSION! Tapping at 5:15. FEEL THE RESILIENCY! THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE.

Backstage, STEPHANIE runs into Hubby HUNTER HEARST HE-MAN and brags about the scalding of Lillian. Let me tell you, Stephanie is expanding just as quickly as her father and her husband. Triple H has HAD IT UP TO HERE. He trashes the McMahon name while Stephanie uses the “McMahon-Helmsley Era” as ammo. H storms off, Stephanie pouts.

The Coach tracks down THE ROCK and we’re no doubt ready for an EPIC interview. They do pretty much the exact same bit they’ve been doing for weeks now, complete with Rocky forcing Coachman to dance and “bend over” for the subsequent kick to the ass. Sick Freak, Shirley Temple on an ice cream sandwich, biggest WrestleMania ever, etc. There’s some vague mention of tonight’s match against Kurt Angle. We move on…

Meanwhile, CHRISTIAN crosses Triple H’s path and catches the beating of a lifetime. Thanks for showing up, Champ. FEEL THE MARITAL FRUSTRATION.

Meanwhile, during meanwhile, Vince continues his “you talkin’ to me?” bit. Apparently, Vince resents the fact that Flair has now assumed a position of leadership in the WWF. Too bad they haven’t demonstrated such a shift in power on, you know, television this past week. I mean, how much changed in one week that made McMahon concerned enough to do something he’ll regret? You’d think Flair stripped Jericho of the title or something. I mean, McMahon doesn’t have too many priorities. We know the top one is having a title-holder that’s working with him. Relax, Vince! Everything’s just fine. Of course, he could be referring to a ratings dip and general staleness of product, and then wouldn’t it be convenient to “play it off” the current storyline and blame Ric Flair? Yes, convenient.

The Stacker 2 Burn of the Week is either Maven eliminating The Undertaker at the Rumble, or The Undertaker savaging Maven with a chair and then going Mike Tyson on his ass.

BOOKER T. versus “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN: Qualifying Match for a Shot at the Undisputed Championship

Let’s see if we can turn the quality of this show around, right quick. The way I see it, this is a perfect opportunity to put Booker over, but if you’re gonna kill a character, dagnabbit, DO IT RIGHT. Staredown – into a collar and elbow. Into a corner and Austin punches out. INTENSITY REIGNS SUPREME. Headlock from Booker and they’re into the ropes – shoulderblock off the ropes by Booker. Some stomping, then Austin busts out – into another Booker shoulderblock. Booker into the ropes and ducking a clothesline – into a SPINEBUSTER from Austin. Kick to the head – 3 chops – into the corner. Clothesline from Austin and a cover for 2. Booker fighting back with some rights, then some chops in the corner. Whip is reversed – stun gun on the ropes from Austin! Neckbreaker gets another 2, then Austin chops and punches away. He misses a clothesline – SUPERKICK from Booker. He clotheslines Austin out and brutalizes him with the steel steps. Back in and Booker keeps the pressure on with some kicks and chokes. Booker to the outside, then he wraps the knee around the steel post and works on the leg. This is truly TREMENDOUS offence. Back into the ring, Booker isolates the knee and stomps a mudhole. This could be the first time Booker’s been allowed room to work like this on television. Austin out of the corner with a tackle and he lays in with the rights. Into the ropes – down WAY too early – kick to the gut and a spinning heel kick from Booker. Austin gets out at 2.5, then Booker goes back to the knee. Austin DESPERATELY fighting back – DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE. Austin’s up first, hopping on one leg, then going to work with some rights. LOU THESZ PRESS! THE CROWD IS CLINICAL! Back into a corner for a WHAT?! A mudhole. Stunner attempt – into the ropes – takedown by the leg from Booker. Logical Spinaroonie follows, and Booker is PUMPED. LEAPING SIDEKICK! 1,2,NO! Booker in disbelief. Back to the ropes, Austin sucked into a knee to the gut – AXEKICK! 1, 2, NO! Booker again in disbelief, making a face vaguely similar to the one in his mugshot. Calling for Austin to get up – Booker trying the Stunner! – pushed off into the ropes. STONE COLD STUNNER! Stick a fork in it (9:13). THUMBS UP. I believe this would be Booker’s best WWF outing, hands down.

Later tonight: The second qualifying match. Give me Austin/Angle. I need it like 411 columnists need a reality check.

Backstage, Caramel (or whatever) interviews RIC FLAIR. If you’ve never seen Flair flip out during an interview, well here we go. WOOOOOOOO!

KANE and THE BIG SHOW versus THE DUDLEY BOYZ: Tables Match

What’s Kane and Big Show’s overall tag record? Something like 1-10? You’d think they’d get a clue. Huge melee to start, then Kane and Bubba head on into the ring. Quick reverse 3D, then Show headbutts everything in sight. He sets up a table and tries the double chokeslam, but takes one low to break that up. Double flapjack follows but Kane shoves the table out of the way. Clotheselines for everyone, then a sidewalk slam for D-Von. Bubba ducks a Show clothesline as Kane climbs to the top, then Show knocks him off by bouncing off the ropes. I feel for these guys, I really do. Show sets up the table again and grabs D-Von by the neck, but Bubba pulls the table away while Show holds D-Von in the air for AN HOUR. Chokeslam, then Bubba charges and gets shoved. Into the ropes and colliding with Kane – Kane through a table on the outside (2:07).  THUMBS DOWN. Big staredown for the big guys in the middle of the ring, and clearly it’s all just a BIG MISUNDERSTANDING. Please don’t let this be the way it ends. Oh well…if we’re lucky, they’ll build it right up to Wrestlemania and EVERYONE WINS.

Back to Vince. “Everything on earth has to come to an end. I never thought it’d be like this. I never thought my world would come crashing down around me. You’ve got to understand. This is my life. This is what I built. Nobody helped me. I did it all by my own. Now someone’s gonna take it away from me? Someone gave…someone gave cancer…to the WWF.” No disrespect to Cancer patients, of course, just like Stephanie meant no disrespect with the whole 9-11 commentary. Vince sobs, then regains his composure. C’mon…this is Kevin Nash we’re talking about here. Joke all you want, this guy has pretty much earned the gimmick of “Company Killer”. Keep these segments on tape, kids, if you want a shot at being really amused a year from now.

GOLDUST is still creepy. “For every star that rises, there is one that falls.” More references to “him”, and this talk about it being Rocky is absolutely ridiculous. It’ll be Bradshaw and we’ll like it. CHUCK AND BILLY are hanging out, and apparently they dig Goldust. Go figure. They decide it’s time for a shot at the titles, and I decide it’s time for a beer. Or two. Or three. Ass-slapping ensues, not to mention giggling.

Meanwhile, The Coach catches up with KURT ANGLE, and the plan to focus the “WHAT?!” energy on Angle is working BEAUTIFULLY. “This word is ruining my life!” and he walks out on the interview. Pure genius.

WWF WOMEN’S CHAMPION TRISH STRATUS versus JAZZ – Non-Title

Trish’s music is like a cross between that popular Enigma song of the early 90’s, and a porn soundtrack. Again with the non-title stip. Trish attacks with some forearms and stomps a mudhole – SHE’S A MONSTER. Kick to the head and a cover for 2. Some elbows and chops, then Jazz reverses a whip into the corner but runs into some boot. That doesn’t take her down, so there’s a LARIAT for Trish. Legdrop – hairtoss – double-underhook suplex. Hotshot onto the top rope, then Jazz just tosses her right out through the ropes. Some slaps on the outside, then Jazz sends her shoulder-first into the steel post. Onto the apron where Trish battles back, and she LOVES those elbows. Into the corner and Trish charges, but nails her shoulder on the turnbuckle as Jazz sidesteps. Jazz works over the shoulder, into an armbar – PSYCHOLOGY! Jazz uses the ropes for leverage and refuses to break – DQ at 2:08. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Reminds me of Malenko/Ultimo Dragon circa ’96. Devastating chickenwing and DDT follow. Some not-too-shabby women’s action.

Some more Vince. “I’m resolved that this is what I have to do. Believe me, if there was any other way, I would do it. I know this is not logical…I know this is not normal…but it’s something that has to be done.” Then Vince has an orgasm. I’m NOT shitting you.

The Greyhound Overdrive of the Week features Rocky pinning Jericho on RAW. I smell undisputed champion…

CHRIS JERICHO is out for his requisite camera time. He’s out for commentary, and based on his past commentary outings, I strongly suggest the “mute” button.

KURT ANGLE versus THE ROCK: Qualifying Match for a Shot at the Undisputed Championship

They lock it up, then race around the ring ducking clotheslines and the like. Rock nails a clothesline and goes to work with an armdrag-into armbar. Angle powers out and reverses it into his own armbat, but The Rock’s up with the shoulderblock, some rights, and a HUGE belly-to-belly. Cover gets 2, then Angle shows The Rock how it’s REALLY done. He stomps what seems like the 10^th mudhole of the night, then Rock powers out and and nails an elbow. Angle ain’t having it, so it’s ROLLING OLYMPICPLEXES, but Rock stops it cold with some elbows. Angle STILL ain’t having it, and he kills The Rock with belly-to-back #3. 1, 2, NO! Some choking on the ropes, but The Rock fights back again and comes off the ropes, only to be tossed over the top by Angle. Angle goes to work on the outside and Angle tosses in his two cents. Back in we got for a spinebuster, and the STRAPS ARE DOWN! ANKLELOCK! YEAH, BABY! Rock struggles to the ropes, then unloads some rights as Angle pouts. Irish whip is reversed – DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE. If you ever see similarities between movesets within an individual episode of Smackdown…it’s not a coincidence. They’re both up and punching away – Rock into the ropes – FLYING clothesline. KICK WHAM DDT! Angle BARELY pops out of the cover, then sucks Rock into a lariat. Scoop and a slam – Angle into the ropes – Rock with a FLIPAROONIE – TOSSING Angle out over the top. Rock on a rampage now, sending Angle into the barricade and ARMDRAGS Jericho out of his seat! SPIT PUNCH OF DOOM on Jericho, then Angle is sent FACE-FIRST into the undisputed crotch. Back in once again, and The Rock busts out the SPINESBUSTER, followed by the sharpshooter. Angle with nowhere to go, but just as he begins tapping Jericho pulls out the ref. Here comes THE UNDERTAKER, and it’s CHOKESLAM CITY. Angle rolls over for 1,2, and 3. (9:22). THUMBS UP, despite the stupid ending. BRING ON MORE AUSTIN/ANGLE!

Earlier Tonight: Stephanie was a BITCH.

Backstage, Austin tries to hype RAW but gets taken out by Angle. Always good to see Austin on the OTHER end of a severe backstage beating.

McMahon closes out the show. “Flair’s gonna kill the WWF. The kind of cancer Flair gave the WWF is the slow, eating kind of Cancer. It’s not quick. I’m not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created. The WWF is mine. IT’S MINE! I CREATED IT! I’M NOT GONNA LET RIC FLAIR KILL WHAT I CREATED! Because, I’m going to…kill…what I’ve created. I’M GONNA KILL IT. I’m gonna inject the WWF with a LETHAL DOSE OF POISON. I’m gonna do it. Me…and the N…W…O.” He turns around in his chair and faces the camera for the first time, as the mirror reflects the “nWo” logo scrawled onto the back of his chair. But then, it would be an oW, backwards n logo, but like Vince said…logic? Out the window!

The second half of this show really saved it. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for the McMahon segments, based on the fact that the guy was overacting even for HIM. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for the rest of the backstage hijinx, making this a solid THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE SHOW with a pair of great matches. Standard fare for Smackdown as of late. Can’t say the NWO stuff is all that shocking, what with the WWF being so desperate at this point that they’d probably bring Scott Keith in and make it an on-screen angle. Until next week…don’t be too Smark for your own good.

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