by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I was going to start things off with a whole slew of criticisms directed at some other websites and one “ranter” in particular. Thankfully, I decided it’s really not worth my time or yours. To keep things short, don’t confuse a review with a recap, which is supposed to inform you of exactly what happened on the show. Just because one man stands above the rest when it comes to fanbase and “web cred” doesn’t mean he’s delivering the total package. “Working” your readership is inane. Confusing readers in an attempt to distract them from sub-par material is more revealing than concealing. Wrestling and politics don’t mix, they’ll never mix, and it’s moronic to both attempt the bizarre mixture of opinions and publish them. The average OO reader probably doesn’t want to hear about my sex life or my day at the mall.

In summary –

Smarks: get a life. 411: get a clue. Rick Scaia: can you be any sexier?

My latest gimmick to try and stimulate some feedback is painfully straight to the point. I throw out movies, music and books, and discussion ensues. This is different from what I’ve been complaining about (see: staying on topic) because I’m only giving you the opportunity to e-mail me for my “picks of the week” as a companion to the recap. You won’t see it printed here at OO. I’m a huge movie buff, and while I cull most of my viewing from Michael Weldon’s Psychotronic Encyclopedia, I’m still very much a fan of the mainstream: I count Scorsese, Woo and Besson among my favorite directors. This week: Hammer horror, an Italian zombie flick (NOT by Fulci) and a Korean comedy about…pro wrestling!

On to Smackdown, looking to follow-up on a rock-solid RAW. Decisions, facial contortions, stylin’ and profilin’. Time for a survey: CAN YOU FEEL THE TENSION?

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. Our hosts are MICHALE COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 7 WEEKS  AWAY FROM AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH. We’ve got a graphic for tonight’s main event: Triple H and The Rock form a fragile union against Kurt Angle’s floating torso and The Undertaker. Tag Team Randomizer © strikes again!

TAZZ versus UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO

Jacquelyn is still striking a blow for women’s rights, and looking like Cousin It in the process. Jericho’s appearance in the Hollywood All-Stars hockey game is hyped (Saturday at 2 pm on E!). Tazz pounds away to get things going, then unleashes suplex #1: salto. Takedown into more punching – they roll outside where Jericho’s head meets the announce table. Exchanging rights – back into the ring – Jericho with a flying forearm off the ropes. Some kicks to the gut, then chopping and stomping in the corner. Tazz reverses – whip into the opposite corner – running into a boot. Jericho charges out, then gets caught in suplex #2: head and arm. They both struggle up – armdrag from Tazz. BIG clothesline, but Jericho’s up to duck a second one only to fall into suplex #3: modified Northern Lights! 1…2…NO! Whip reversed by Jericho – BULLDOG! One Lionsault coming up, hold the impact – Tazz is up, Jericho lands on his feet, and it’s the TAZMISSION! YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THE KATA HAJIME! Er, but Jericho pushes Jacquelyn away and goes low. You can almost see Tazz realizing this ain’t 1996. Breakdown, cover, three (2:36). This match could have been all sorts of good if given another few, precious minutes. As it is, barely a THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Post-match, Jacquelyn gets in Jericho’s face and winds up in the Walls of Jericho. Bizarre thing of the night: somewhere between pinfall and hoisting the belts after finishing off Jacquelyn, Jericho scores a bloody nose and the resulting SANGUINE SMIRK OF DOOM.

Backstage, RIC FLAIR stands outside his dressing room and ponders the fate of his glorious career. 2-1 odds on Arn Anderson showing up SOMEWHERE in this show.

Over in the offices of THE APA, Bradshaw and Faarooq mark out over Rollerball, but we’re never really sure if they’re talking about the original or the ill-conceived remake until Bradshaw mentions LL Cool J, Chris Klein and Rebecca Stamos. Lo and behold, the three show up moments later. Not-so-witty banter with Ladies Love follows, then Stamos chugs some beer while everyone gawks. I mentioned horror movies earlier…just think of how horrifying it’ll be watching this woman act when she’s not completely covered in latex from head to toe with minimal dialogue. From “DAMN!” we go to…

WOOOOOOOO!!!!, as RIC FLAIR steps out to make the most crucial decision in WWF history, up to and including “Gravy or Egg Nog?” The crowd goes clinical and he immediately begins crying. The man is a force of nature at this point, as he’s single-handedly making this storyline a success, despite McMahon’s ludicrously over-the-top stupidity. He chokes back the tears: “I – I think it’s fair to say…that we have bonded over the years. There’s a lot of history for Norfolk, Virginia and Ric Flair. That’s what makes this ever harder.” For the company, for the fans, he’s made “the right decision.” After unwittingly channeling DDP (“it’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing”), he reveals he’ll be selling the stock, and it’s time to say goodbye and thank the fans so he can finally make an exit the right way. Chorus of boos, then Flair reiterates that it isn’t fair for the young talent in the WWF to have to go through the N-double-yo. Crowd responds with an inspired “WE WANT FLAIR!” but the man ain’t having it. “Please…thank you. This could not have been a better night for me to hear you respond like this. I’m gone. Goodbye. I hope my children have become proud of me, I hope my mom and dad are proud of me, because I sure was proud to be a professional wrestler and proud to be part of your lives.” And he walks away.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE versus EURO CHAMPION CHRISTIAN

Uh oh…singles competition on a major show? Christian, the clock is ticking. DDP gets slapped moments after the bell rings, then Christian scampers away, only to lure DDP out of the ring and back in for some kicks. Irish whip is reversed – into a big-time spinebuster. Spinning lariat gets 2, then Christian retreats to the apron. DDP follows and gets snapped off the top rope throat-first. Christian hanging him up on the top ropes courtesy of a front suplex, then knocking him off to the outside with a running shoulderblock. Christian keeping up the hurt with a toss into the steel steps, then we’re back in the ring for some stomping. DDP comeback is quelled with a sleeperhold, but he elbows out. Rights from Christian – DDP reversing an irishwhip – into a SEXY spinning sleeper-slam. Both men out cold – both men up simultaneously. DDP ducking a clothesline and unloading with some punches, then a knee to the gut. SWANK sit-out powerbomb follows, and it gets another 2. Into a corner, then DDP slides out and crotches Christian on the post. DDP back in, and he’s going for the ‘cutter! Christian hangs onto the ropes, and apparently the Diamondcutter is SO devestating, it incapacitates Page if there isn’t a head next to his ramming against the mat. Christian covers AND puts his feet up on the top ropes, but DDP is out at 2, defying all heel-finish logic. Disbelief from Christian, then a kick to the mid-section, turned away by DDP – into an awesome little battle of wills as Christian turns attempted ‘cutter #2 into an inverted DDT. Cover gets 2.5, then an Unprettier attempt becomes – you guessed it – the Diamondcutter. Pinfall follows at 4:04. Crowd goes “pop”, despite what others may have you believe. Christian throws the hissiest fit EVER. Top notch TV stuff. THUMBS UP.

Cue big-ass limo. VINCE McMAHON emerges and for a split-second, the three people who didn’t read spoilers have heart attacks as Vince says, “come on, guys!” Several lawyer-types step out and follow McMahon over to Jonathon Coachman. “My battery of attorneys here have the papers ready for Mr. Flair to sign.” McMahon’s looking for a public signing and the subsequent public humiliation it brings with it. This, of course, makes McMahon downright giddy.

Another GOLDUST production hits the screen. “I’m tired of the waiting…I’m tired of the hiding. This Monday night, I will reveal myself to him.” Yessiree, former IC champion turned jobber is going to make his intentions clear on RAW. If it is The Rock, which it won’t be, it’ll be short and not so sweet. I’d think more along the lines of Rob Van Dam.

Time for another EXCLUSIVE sit-down interview with JIM ROSS, this time with STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY. I love how they call it “exclusive” as if CNN wanted to run the thing. The usual nonsense here, with questions about Stephanie’s suddenly bleak career, and the tumultuous marriage. Somehow, sex introduces itself into the conversation and Stephanie denies cheating on Triple H, and makes it clear that Triple H would never cheat on her. Just like her father had his “ruining lives turns me on” bit, Stephanie talks about being “good in bed”. Cripes. A verbal attack on Ross follows, then a sudden moment of clarity that leads to Stephanie vowing to prove how perfect the marriage is. This time could have been better utilized with a five minute still shot: distinctive moaning and screeching emanating from the door to Jericho’s dressing room. 

Backstage, the APA/Rollerball shenanigans continue. BOOKER T. crashes the party and gets in LL Cool J’s face over not receiving an invite to the advance screening. Stepping it up a notch, Booker reveals he would have made a better lead in the film. Kudos to The Book for sneaking in a reference to his victory this past Monday. LL leaves his seat and one-ups Booker with the quip, “you’re not the leading man in the movie ‘cuz there was no scene where somebody gets their ass kicked in a GROCERY store.” Catch phrases follow, Booker challenges the APA to a match later tonight, and Stamos drinks more beer. Laugh – you’ll convince yourself it’s funny.

WILLIAM REGAL is out to do some commentary, and he receives a patdown despite not being involved in an actual match. Cole asks, “why do you go around blatantly using those brass knucks?” Regal responds with some genuinely funny stuff about being villainous, but I would have preferred a devastating piledriver through the table.

THE DUDLEY BOYZ versus ROB VAN DAM and EDGE

RVD and Edge slide right across the ring and double-team Regal – that’s some serious Honky Heel Heat goodness. The Duds break it up and take it to the ring, where D-Von and Edge start out. Regal scowling – blind tag to Edge as he comes off the ropes for an Edge-O-Matic. RVD follows it up quick-like with Rolling Thunder, then covers. D-Von kicks out at 2, then gets pummeled in the corner. Whip into a corner is reversed, but Van Dam flips out past a charging D-Von and tries a monkey flip in the opposite corner. Bubba smacks him off, leaving him on the top. D-Von slaps on THE NECKBREAKER THAT CAN ONLY BE APPLIED ON RVD. Tag to D-Von, who pounds away and hits his own neckbreaker. FEEL THE NECK BREAKING PSYCHOLOGY. Elbow – Elbow – 1…2…NO. Snapmare, into a neck wrench, then Stacy Kiebler sits on Regal’s lap and he immediately becomes Benny Hill. Scoop, slam and WHAZZUP. D-Von back in with the irish – reversed – RVD off the ropes with the first spinning heel kick of the night, ending Smackdown’s longest absence of the move since the beginning of the Invasion. Both men crawling, both men tagging. Edge ducking a clothesline – cheap shot on D-Von on the apron – clothesline for Bubba. Another one, then THANK GOD a spinning heel kick. All IS right with the world tonight. D-Von charges in, but gets tossed out. Edge with a neckbreaker but D-Von barely breaks the count 2.5. Big shmozz now as Bubba and Edge flip out of the ring and RVD hits the step-over enziguiri on D-Von. FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH follows, but these guys are ILLEGAL. Bubba rolls back in and casually PLANTS Van Dam with a vicious powerbomb, but don’t look now – here’s Edge outta the corner with THE SPEAR. 1…2…2.95! Regal on the apron with the knucks – swiping at a ducking Edge – Bubba off the ropes – Edge sidesteps and Regal take the impact! KICK WHAM EDGECUTION! It’s OVER at 3:57. Bootylicious match + Regal hijinx = THUMBS UP.

Meanwhile, Booker practices his smack talk. “Mama said knock you out? I’m-a knock HIS mama out! Rollerball? Yeah…this ain’t no damn movie! Look at you scared now, ho. I’ll fuck you ‘till you love me!” TEST shows up and begs Booker to let him be his partner. He’s looking to impress Rebecca Stamos, husband or no. Booker tries talking Test into a more “ass-kicking” mode since he “saw that Jack, and she wasn’t so hot!” At least, this is what I think was said. Test ignores him and still wants Stamos to “take the Test”. T AND T REUNITE!

Meanwhile, during meanwhile, Vince and company look over the paperwork. There WILL be sufficient collateral in the event of a breach. THERE WILL BE SUFFICIENT COLLATERAL IN THE EVENT OF A BREACH.

There’s a Wrestlemania X-8 commercial here in Canada that plays Booker T.’s entrance video over scenes of Wrestlemanias past, complete with Booker’s music. BOOKER T. VERSUS CHRIS JERICHO WITH STEPHANIE McMAHON AT WRESTLEMANIA X-8! Please credit me, sayeitan, with the information. WIDRO, I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU!

“Big Fat Liar” looks like the biggest, fattest piece of shit since Kung Pow.

The Subway Slam of the week is the finish to Monday’s awesome Austin/Angle confrontation. Does this mean we get Austin/Angle again tonight? WHY COULDN’T THEY MAKE IT BEST OF 7? WHY?

Lillian Garcia catches up with KURT ANGLE. Bitch that she is, she immediately goes the route of “why do you suck so much?” The WHAT?! Avalanche begins. “Kurt Angle is not a loser. (WHAT?!) Everything I’ve ever set out to accomplish, I’ve accomplished. (WHAT?!) Kurt Angle is a winner, see? (WHAT?!)” And he holds up the medal. Lillian REALLY starts pushing it now, so Angle jumps over to some Triple H criticisms, creating a new catch phrase: “I’m special. I’m that damn special.” He concludes, “tonight…I plan on going Olympic on his ass. Oh it’s true.”

Flair meets up with THE ROCK, who was either waiting for him or in a state of permanent pacing. “Rock – Before I leave, I just wanted you to tell you that you’re everything I heard you were and more.” Rock thanks the Nature Boy for the memories.

THE APA versus T AND T

The Rollerball players accompany Bradshaw and Faarooq to the ring. LL keeps busting out a gesture-kinda-thing where he runs the edge of his hand over the tip of his tongue. That’s WAY too gangsta for me, so if anyone can clue this cracka in, I’d love to hear it. Shmozz to start things out, and Stamos reacts as if someone forgot to tell her it’s fake. Lots of stomping, punching and kicking, then Faarooq and Booker start things off proper with a big powerslam that kills The Book. More gesturing from LL. Both men crawl to the corner and tag out – Bradshaw with some punches and clotheslines for Test – then it’s WHITE ON BLACK VIOLENCE as he takes out Booker. Faarooq in for the double team and now it’s BLACK AND WHITE ON BLACK VIOLENCE. Double shoulderblock, then Test pulls Bradshaw out of the ring, leaving Faarooq to taste the axe kick. Test tosses everything to hell as he charges in with THE SLAP WHAM BOOT but Faarooq ducks. Booker takes it and dies instantly. Test with some clotheslines in the corner, then knocking Bradshaw off the apron. Attempted pumphandle slam – Farrooq pushing him off – Bradshaw back in with a CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL. 1,2 and 3. (2:38). Everyone celebrates. THUMBS DOWN.

UP NEXT: Things get settled TAG TEAM RANDOMIZER style!

KURT ANGLE and THE UNDERTAKER versus TRIPLE H and THE ROCK

Really, why should Triple H get so much more time for his entrance? It’s not like he’s breathing fire. It’s WATER. Still, his shadowy ogre face at the end makes it all worth it, I guess. Undertaker and Triple H with the staredown, but it’s a setup – Angle sneaks in and attacks. Into a corner with some rights – whip into the opposite corner – Angle running into a boot. H works the leg over on the steel post, then goes Royal Rumble 2001 on that ass. Angle fighting back – whip into the ropes is reversed – powerslam from H. Undertaker steps in but gets a shoulder to the gut. Angle tries a clothesline – H ducking – kick to the gut and an attempted pedigree – BIG BOOT from the ‘Taker. Angle stomps away, then tags in Undie for more of the same. Elbows in the corner, then H gets sent into Angle’s boot. Another tag, then Undie opens H up for a kick. One, two, three rolling Olympic suplexes. Angle knocking Rocky off the apron – into an attempted Angleslam – H reversing into a belly-to-back. Both men are out, then H makes the LEAPING tag. Right, right, right, right – BIG flying clothesline off the ropes. Rock knocking Undie off the apron, then it’s the SPINEBUSTER. Undie stops the People’s Elbow cold, then H comes in to knock him out of the ring. Problem is, Rocky’s out there too, and ‘Taker goes to work. ‘Taker ramming Rocky into the steeeeeel post. Rocky rolled back in for a cover of 2. Some rights, but the Rock fights back with some of his own. Angle with a kick, but he gets caught and sucked into the dragonscrew. SHARPSHOOTA! Undie breaks it up and walks in with no tag as H distracts Hebner with a hissy fit. Grinding the forearm into Rocky’s face, but Rock fights back again. Attempted Rock Bottom, but Undie elbows out slaps on the choke. Rock with some rights to escape, then a DDT. Crawling to the corners – simultaneous tags. H with a right – Angle into the ropes – SPINEBUSTER. Undie’s in, so he gets some too with a neckbreaker. Choke takedown into patented psychotic choking from H on Angle. Undie clothesline out – HIGH knee for Angle. H is damn near SPRITELY. Cover gets 2, then ‘Taker decided to knock Rock off the apron on the outside and beat down on him a bit. Back in the ring, H unloads some counted rights in the corner, but Angle carries him away into an atomic drop. More rights and an irish – H catches him with the KNEE OF DOOM. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! 1…2…’Taker with the STEEL CHAIR! DQ at 8:26. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Rock puts a stop to the chairshot fest on H, then preps the announce table for some carnage. Undie with a big right, then he stomps on him a bit before trying the chair-to-the-throat routine. Rocky’s out with some rights – trying a chairshot – Undie with a kick to the gut. Now Undie’s coming at him with a chair, but he raises it too soon and Rock clasps on the front facelock – ROCK BOTTOM THROUGH THE TABLE. Back in the ring, Angle positively WRENCHES H’s ankle until a bunch of refs break it up. H tries crawling away, pansy that he is, but Angle slaps it back on. ‘Taker/Rock – check. H/Angle – check. Someone care to build Jericho/Austin?

They play the WWF Desire video again, and yes, it kicks all kinds of ass. This is despite the fact that it opens with a quote from freakin’ Kid Rock. The song itself is none too shabby. Generic but fitting. The breakdown during the WCW competition stuff is fierce, and the kick up to high gear for the “Attitude” era is inspired.

Flair and ARN ANDERSON share one last hug as Flair walks towards his fate.

McMahon is out, and the ring has been covered in red carpet. You’d think McMahon would have figured out the consequences of such a layout at this point, having been assaulted by Steve Austin on every possible red carpet-occasion. McMahon trashes Flair’s name, denies his legendary status, and goes over the whole clause involving the n double yo. He gets 100% ownership and can never sign the n double yo, but we never really know what this means, since no names have been mentioned. Flair steps out but McMahon immediately cuts his music. They stretch the signing of the contract out as long as they can, with Flair signing half of his name, which might be technically binding. If you’re a legal-type, please let me know after filling me in on the LL gangsta gesture. McMahon wants the entire signature, and he wants it NOW, DAMMIT. The glass breaks, and Cole shoots it all to hell with a loud, obnoxious, “WHAT THE HELL? It – It’s STONE COLD! What the hell is Austin doing out here?” What a piece of shit. Austin poses, then grabs the mic and goes “WHAT?!” on McMahon’s ass, including a hilarious, “WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT!? You’re a jackass.” No one, absolutely no one, can pull this stuff off like Austin. “If you think Ric Flair oughta take this contract, tear it into pieces, and tell Vince McMahon and the n double yo to go to hell, gimme a HELL YEAH. WHAT?!” And apparently that’s all it takes, as Flair decks McMahon and sends him into a stunner. Contract gets torn up, beer gets chugged, and we’re outta here.

Gotta go THUMBS UP for the final segment, since it was a throwback to Austin/McMahon that paid off really well. This is an ingenious way of building towards Nash and Hall’s entrance, as casual fans seem to be getting sucked into just how much the n double you issue is affecting the federation: Flair was willing to retire for it. Good stuff. THUMBS DOWN for the rest of the backstage stuff, and I’ll toss the ridiculous Stephanie segment into that grab bag which did feature some good stuff with Flair, but was weighed down by the Rollerball junk. Overall, a THUMBS UP show with awesome in-ring performances from Tazz, DDP and RVD. Too bad they seem to be keying in on the right guys right before bringing in the (potentially) wrong ones. Still, the PPV is shaping up well with Angle/H and Austin/Jericho as consistent crowd-pleasers, and the best Rock/’Taker build up they’ve ever done. When it comes time for the n double yo, I’m betting on some serious lessons having been learned from mistakes of the very recent past. Too much credit? Maybe, but you’re looking at a ticket-holder for Wrestlemania, so from here on out it’s gonna be optimism and nothing but. GO WWF!

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