by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

After last Monday’s RAW, which I enjoyed thoroughly, I realize that what’s being built towards WrestleMania is ultimately telegraphed and overwhelmingly weak. My ideal scenario would look something like this: Angle and Austin completely turn things around by winning their respective No Way Out matches, making for a blow-off to end all blow-offs at ‘Mania, perhaps in a cage or some such nonsense. These guys carried the federation on their backs for a large portion of 2001 and they continue to put on mind-numbingly awesome matches. Meanwhile, Jericho and Triple H can keep things going, since a pregnancy angle can easily provide enough heat that a title doesn’t have to be involved. And if we really must include Hogan, Hall and Nash in the proceedings, we’ll have Rock, UT and RVD available for involvement. It would never happen, but it’s what I’d love to see for my buck (or many bucks…). Instead we’ll get Stephanie interfering in Triple H’s match, and the n-double-yo barging in on the main event.

Did anyone else see Norman Smiley lighting it up on the court for the Raptors last night? That team is so banged up, they were using some OTHER team’s bench. And they still took out the Spurs. That’s how we do in the T Dot, baby.

On to tonight’s (last night’s) SmackDown! which will most likely feature a kinder, gentler God of Thunder, no direct build on the upcoming Jericho/Austin title match, and Michael Cole continuing his one-man screwjob of the entire program. I swear to fucking God, someone in the company has to open their eyes and get rid of Cole immediately, at least on the announce level. He butchers his calls of the match (bulldogs become DDTs), ruins “shocking” moments with his overzealous commentary, and treats us all like morons with his line of questioning directed at guest commentators (to Regal: “why do you keep using the knucks?”). I haven’t seen anything tear a product apart like this since…dear God…the lethal poison has been under our noses this entire time!

We open with a dramatic retrospective of last Monday night’s events involving the McMahon-Helmsleys. Stephanie begs for the opportunity to renew vows, then Triple H snaps and asks, “WHY?!” Everything goes blood red, because red symbolizes ANGER. Stephanie reveals she’s pregnant and Sounds of Love, Volume 8 starts up. Ross: “Triple H is gonna be a father!” FEEL THE MARITAL BLISS!

SmackDown! is NOT LIVE! from The Staples Center/Centre in Los Angeles. Our hosts are MICHAEL “Cuntrag”  COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 6 WEEKS AWAY FROM ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH. No graphics for a main event tonight, but I’m banking on DRAMA VERSUS SUSPENSE.

THE ROCK is out to get the ball rolling. We’re taken back to RAW, where The Undertaker couldn’t think of anything better than a lead pipe. Rocky stomps around, then demands Undie’s presence. Instead, he gets BOOKER T., who cuts roughly the same promo as he did Monday, still basking in the glory of a tainted victory over Triple H. They’re going for the Owen Slammy Award vibe, but it’s just not working. Booker wants to make an example of The Rock, Rock digs it, and we’re on our way…

 THE ROCK versus BOOKER T.

Booker charges, and they explode with a storm of rights. Rock off the ropes with a flying clothesline, then Booker counters with a bicycle kick. A ref shows up 30 seconds into the match as Booker stomps away. Into the corner with some chops, then Rock powers out and unleashes some of his own. Irish is reversed – Rock sucked into a heel kick. Booker mounts and proceeds to pound away before getting pulled off by the ref. Another irish is reversed, but Rocky’s down too soon and gets kicked. Booker off the ropes again – tossed to the outside. Booker reverses a whip into the barricade, then drops Rocky throat-first. More chops, then we’re back into the ring. Leaping kick misses, then Rock hits the desperation DDT. They struggle up at a count of 9, then Rock plays YOU CANNOT PUNCH THE ROCK before unloading several rights and the SPIT PUNCH OF DOOM. Booker back up, off the ropes and into the belly-to-belly toss – cover gets 2. Booker ducks a right and pulls Rocky into a clothesline. Kick to the gut leads into an AXE KICK. Spinaroonie – Rock with a subsequent Fliparoonie – SPINEBUSTER! Cole informs us Rock calls it a “Pinebuster”, so I guess we’ll go ahead and call it that, despite the fact that it’s a fairly routine maneuver that doesn’t really have any variation on it beyond being used by Rocky. PINEBUSTER! An elbowpad gets tossed – People’s Elbow – 1, 2 and 3 (4:58). Tremendously weak ending to what was becoming a decent match. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Booker’s back to being Jobber No. 1.

Up Next: Triple H and Stephanie visit a doctor and do a lot of smiling and nodding.

Look! It’s HOLLYWOOD HOGAN, KEVIN NASH and SCOTT HALL! They’re Nazis! No! They’re Commies! They’re, uh…coming to a theater near you? I give up.

Earlier Today: Some limey doc hands an ultrasound picture to the proud couple. TRIPLE H marvels as STEPHANIE REALLY drives the point home, with babble about “nothing else mattering” but the baby. WE GET IT, STEPH.

Meanwhile, KURT ANGLE strolls down the hall pushing a baby carriage. Hear me now: I GUARANTEE HILARITY.

N Double Yo promo, complete with “best of” moments from the WCW run. They’ll show up, they’ll spray paint, Nash will drop people on their heads and Hall will beat the shit out of drunken fans. Can’t wait, can ya?

The X Box Slam of the Week is Kurt Angle costing Triple H his match on RAW with the Angleslam.

And here’s the man himself, carriage in tow. Angle details the creation of his upcoming match at No Way Out, and assures the crowd that a victory over Triple H is “a gimme” en route to WrestleMania. Now, why Vince has the power to create such a match and yet still feels he has no control of his company is beyond our mere mortal minds. Oh well, sometimes a lethal injection of poison is just for fun. Angle feels his match should have caused quite a stir, but it was unfairly overshadowed by Stephanie’s announcement. “Now, I’ve never felt sorry for a baby before, not until Monday night. Imagine having to go through life with Triple H as your father. I mean, even as a fetus the kid’s smarter than his dad.” He continues by painting a portrait of H as a Neanderthal, complete with a spot-on impersonation, and introducing the world to Triple H Jr. – a stuffed monkey with oversized plastic nose. He presents “Triple H Jr.” with a present – baby bananas that are “that damn good” – and MA is being LO’d something fierce. Triple H finally shows up, most likely because he’s done chuckling, and lays Angle out with a right and the first-ever carriageshot. Boot, boot, boot, boot, boot, then Angle scampers off.

The Subway Slam of the Week is Edge intercepting Regal’s attempted knuck-job on Rikishi and the subsequent Stink Face. X Box seems to have more concrete knowledge of what a “slam” is.

IC CHAMPION WILLIAM REGAL and THE DUDLEY BOYZ versus RIKISHI, ROB VAN DAM and EDGE

We’re taken to last Monday, where Goldust viciously assaulted RVD’s testicles in a testament to my powers of prognostication. The more and more I think about it, the worse this idea is. RVD has a tough time clicking with anyone except Jericho and the Dudleys, and its taken top mainstream guys like Austin and Angle to pull something decent out of the guy. Dustin Rhodes might just be a disaster waiting to happen. Cut to Rob Zombie in the audience, who is all “yeah, good to be here,” and stuff. Big melee to start, then everyone spills out leaving D-Von to hit the twisting elbow off the ropes on RVD. Whip into a corner, then D-Von charges as Van Dam gets the leg up. D-Von stops short – tries a lariat – RVD ducking and jumping into a hurricanrana. Quick crossbody out of the corner gets 2. Spinning heel kick #1 misses – Spinning heel kick #2 connects. Tag to Edge – double whip into the ropes – spinning heel kick from Edge. D-Von reverses the next whip into a corner, then charges into a boot. Dropkick off the second turnbuckle from Edge gets 2, and I guess the two young SUPERSTARS are playing dueling banjos. Edge gets tossed into the heel corner but delivers some elbows for Bubba and Regal. D-Von hasn’t learned ANYTHING because he charges into ANOTHER boot, but Bubba and Regal trip Edge up and wishbone him on the post. Edge squeals like a pig. Get it? Banjos, squealing like a pig…ah, fuck it. Regal’s in to stomp away, but Edge hits a crossbody off a whip into the ropes. Regal’s out at 2, then delivers a knee of the ropes. Cover for another 2, then a whip into the turnbuckles chest-first. Forearm to the back and a tag to Bubba - right, right, elbow, elbow, double axehandle. Tag to D-Von and Edge busts out some desperation rights before being pounded into the corner. Attempted Final Curtain (!) – Edge flipping out and nailing the single-arm facebuster. Simultaneous crawling – simultaneous tags to Bubba and Rikishi. Rikishi destroys everyone, then nails the Samoan Drop on Bubba. 1, 2, NO. Regal gets tossed outside, D-Von eats a superkick, then Bubba clotheslines Rikishi (and himself) out. Back in, Van Dam nails a kick off the top on D-Von, then it’s ROLLING THUNDER. Regal shows up just in time, catching RVD off-guard and unleashing a double-underhook powerbomb. SPEAR out of the corner from Edge, then Bubba’s in to add some legality to the match. Edge driven into the STEEL post shoulder-first – Rikishi in with the Assalanche on Bubba. He teeters, he totters, he tosses salad. Too much celebrating by Rikishi, however, as D-Von’s back in to set-up 3D. Pinfall goes down at 5:06. Another weak ending, but plenty of fun stuff. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. As usual, RVD kicks 8 different kinds of ass, then fucks them until they love him. Post-match festivities include the Duds holding Edge while Regal delivers the knucks to the gut, apparently popping a kidney or something as Edge begins gushing from the mouth. Regal Stretch finishes things off nicely as RVD shows up looking semi-concerned. Maybe Goldust missed his cue?

More N Double Yo promotional advertising. I personally can’t wait for Hogan/Wight 2. 

UNDISPUTED CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO steps out with THOSE pants. OH, IT’S JUST TOO MUCH! More whining, then Jericho calls Austin a “dumbass” and challenges him to step out. STONE COLD WILL SASSO emerges, and I guess this is going to be the second “comedy bit as PPV build-up” bit tonight. At least Sasso does a sensational Austin. They go through the basics of journalism until STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN finally shows up, most likely because he’s done chuckling. He’s not TOO angry, though, because he’s got time to pose. Austin assesses the situation as only he can, tosses Jericho out along with his “little belts”, then shares a few cold ones with Sasso. He makes Sasso promise to never to do it again, then stuns him. If Sasso/Hart was ¼*, this was easily a ½*.

Meanwhile, AL SNOW psyches up MAVEN, who challenges The Undertaker for the Hardcore title tonight. Funny line from Snow: “Hey, if things go really bad, I’ve got the car runnin’, it’s gassed up, I’ll get you outta there as quick as I can, get ya shoved in there and get you off to the hospital.” And he walks off. The segment would have been perfect if the camera panned down to a puddle of urine forming around Maven’s feet. 

More N Double Yo from 6 year ago. WE WERE SO INNOCENT. 

Another guest shot in the audience, this time of Paulina from Tough Enough. To think she came SO CLOSE to the occasional appearance at WWF New York. It’s heartbreaking. Meanwhile, Chris Jericho gets stopped in the hall by RIC FLAIR. Flair likes the sound of a WrestleMania preview tonight…Jericho and The God of Thunder in a non-title match. Pouting ensues.

MAVEN versus HARDCORE CHAMPION THE UNDERTAKER

Maven’s out with Al Snow as we flashback to the Rumble and the elimination heard ‘round the world. ‘Taker rides out along with a flashback to RAW 2 weeks ago, where Maven received the chair to the throat. Lawler informs us that Maven asked for the match. MAVEN IS A MAN! ‘Taker slo-owly removes the shades, then stalks Maven into the corner. Snow comes up with a trashcan lid – Maven somersaults over to grab it – one, two, three, four lidshots. ‘Taker brushes them off and hits a reverse elbow, then tosses Maven into the corner. Some rights and some knees, then a whip into the opposite corner and a clothesline. Maven rolling away from an elbowdrop – Snow rolling in the trashcan over to his student – ‘Taker with the PUNCH into the trashcan, sending Maven to the mat. Now ‘Taker gets ready to go to town with the can, but Snow pulls Maven out. Undie follows and delivers some stomps and knees, then they head back to the ring. Trashcan beating ensues, then Snow pulls Maven out again. Undie ain’t having it, as he’s out to pound away on Snow. He tosses him over the barricade and rolls a bleeding Maven back in. Setting up for The Last Ride – Snow’s in with the ringbell to the gut! Right – right – into a roll-up by Maven! 1, 2, NO! BIG boot sends Snow over and out, then Maven goes to the top but falls into the chokeslam. ‘TAKER IS PISSED. Cover would get 3, but Undie pulls away and decides that grinding his forearm into Maven’s face is the better way to go. Then we proceed to the next logical maneuver, a DRAGON SLEEPER. Cue Rocky and his steel chair, then it’s Rock Bottom. Maven crawls over for the pin at 5:32. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Fantastic bit of imagery as The Rock looks on solemnly while Maven, Snow and the crowd celebrate. Sort of a passing of the torch, except Maven won’t really be capable of running with it for at least 5 years.

Even MORE N Double Yo goodness. There’s a bit in the montage where Kevin Nash pulled off one of his funnier lines. Reclining, he engages in some casual conversation with Hall: “You know something? We’re like modern-day gladiators. (Pause) We do battle.”

Moments Ago: Maven is firmly placed into a division where he can do what he does best – SELL, SELL, SELL! And bleed.

BILLY and CHUCK engage in a posedown with TORRIE WILSON and STACY KEIBLER. As if there were any doubt, Lawler is master of ceremonies. Highlights include Torrie’s bikini, Billy and Chuck rubbing their asses together to German techno and Torrie caressing Stacy’s thighs. Quite the sight to behold. Torrie and Stacy “win” according to audience vote, then engage in a catfight when Stacy thinks Torrie’s being a glory hog. Some may wonder what the point of this all is. Some may realize there’s a locker room full of giggling professional wrestlers loving every minute of it. Can you think of two guys more deserving of this fate?

The Tobacco is Whacko Whack of the Night is Jazz taking home the WWF Women’s championship with a devastating Fisherman’s Buster. It took Jazz 10 matches to figure THAT out?

Back in VINCE McMAHON’s office, Triple H interrupts Vince’s presumably N Double Yo-related phone call. Long story short, he despises Vince but has been sent by Stephanie to ask him to walk her down the aisle Monday night. Vince says he’ll think about it, while Triple H touches on the pregnancy. “Think about this - you will never get anywhere near my child…grampa.” McMahon: “think about this…think about the fact that tonight it’s not just a one-on-one match with Jericho. You’re competing against both Jericho…and Kurt Angle. You’ve got yourself a handicap match.” Game, set and match. Again, Vince seems to have things pretty much in hand. So he’s sweating Flair WHY?

And on that note, MORE N Double Yo. FEEL THE SATURATION.

We’re back to Cuntrag and the King, then David F’ing Arquette sneaks in some camera time with a “FORMER WORLD CHAMP” sign in the front row behind them. YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE, RUSSO? YOU SEE? PUPPIES ARE BOOBIES.

Backstage, Jonathon Coachman catches up with The Rock. He wonders if the two of them are “even”. “We ain’t even this week, we ain’t even next week, and at No Way Out…” and before Rock can even promo the PPV, ‘Taker’s over to chokeslam him on the hood of the car and Tombstone him on the roof. Michael Cole screams, “OH MY GOD NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and I weep.

Moments Ago: What would you like on your tombstone?

Rocky gets the stretcher treatment as Cole tells us ALL ABOUT how the Tombstone is “rarely used as of late.” An invaluable resource, that man.

KURT ANGLE and CHRIS JERICHO versus TRIPLE H – Handicap Match

We begin on the outside with H clotheslining Jericho over the barricade and tossing Angle into the ring. DDT gets 2, then H stomps a mudhole in the corner. Jericho’s in to get one of his own, but Angle nails a belly-to-back. When he tries for rolling Olympics, H elbows out because HE’S THAT DAMN POWERFUL. Jericho hits a forearm, then goes irish – reversed – into an elbow from H. Angle follows that up with his own elbow to the back, then sets H up on the apron for a springboard dropkick from Jericho. Back to the outside for some announce table-assisted assault, then a double toss into the steel steps. Jericho rolling H in for the Angle cover, but H is out at 2. Into the corner, where Jericho holds H open for some rights. First legit tag from Angle to Jericho – chops and kicks in the corner. Jericho turns away and gives H enough time for the desperation spear out of the corner, into some rights. To the ropes – Jericho off with a flying forearm. Into an attempted Walls of Jericho, but H kicks him off and into Angle. Small package gets 2, then Jericho is back up with some rights and chops. Tag to Angle, and he goes to work in another corner. BIG chops, then a whip into the opposite corner – charging into a BOOT. H runs right into an overhead belly-to-belly, and it’s STRAPS DOWN! ANKLELOCK! H rolls out, sending Angle right over to Jericho for the tag. Kick to the gut – scoop and a slam – elbow off the ropes. H out of a cover at 2. Tag to Angle and they double team in the corner – double whip into the opposite corner. Angle slingshots Jericho towards H, but H sidesteps and Jericho gets posted. HIGH KNEE on Angle – neckbreaker! Jericho’s back in to get clotheslined – SPINEBUSTER! Angle charges and gets tossed out, then H slaps on THE WALLS OF THOR! Angle in with a kick, but H grabs hold – ANKLELOCK! Jericho breaks it up from behind and sends H into the ropes – attempted dropkick gets turned into a SLINGSHOT, sending Jericho over and out! Angle on the attack with some rights and whip into the ropes – KNEE OF DOOM from H! He tries a KICK WHAM PEDIGREE but Jericho’s off the top – DROPKICK into Angle! FEEL THE STUPIDITY! BIG clothesline on Jericho sends him out once again – H trying the pedigree again – Jericho back in with a chair! Swing and a miss, then it’s a KICK WHAM ALMOST PEDIGREE nixed by an ANGLESLAM ONTO THE CHAIR! Cover gets 3 (7:03). So basically, it took the Undisputed Champion, Kurt Angle and a steel chair to put away Triple H. Fairly sexy handicap match gets a THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE leaning towards “up”. Stephanie is in to tend to her man, then Jericho and Angle corner her with thoughts of miscarriage on their minds. Triple H goes NORSE on their ass with a steel chair, but Angle’s in for one last shove that sends Triple H toppling over on top of Stephanie. She gets up slowly and assures him she’s okay, but we’re left wondering “what if…”

Everything about this show screamed THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. The N Double Yo stuff really didn’t move along, despite the massive amounts of promo clips, and so we’re left with the pregnancy angle dominating things. At this point, it can go either way – an angle that does a great job of really firing up the main event at WrestleMania – or an ill-conceived storyline that leaves everyone looking like a chump when it’s all said and done. Still looks like a good PPV upcoming, despite little build and a large portion of the roster still wandering around aimlessly.

E-MAIL EITAN
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