by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

To start things off this week, I’d like to direct all the comic book fanboys in the house over to http://4colorreview.com, a comic book site “by the readers for the readers.” Tremendous stuff, with an excellent piece on the recent comic “grading” craze by Andrew Duncan in his “The Wealth” column. Now, anyone who may have associated my name with an eBay identity may know that I’m a fairly active dealer in the high-end graded sportscard market. But there’s a big difference between slabbing a simple piece of cardboard (and in most cases, an old piece of cardboard) in a sonically sealed piece of plastic, and sealing a freakin’ comic book (and in most cases, a BRAND NEW comic book) in plastic so that it may never be read again. Truly bizarre.

Quick thoughts on RAW: Despite being Undisputed Champion, Chris Jericho is STILL being held back. Goldust/RVD is like a bull running into a brick wall right out of the gate. Austin and The Undertaker still can’t put together anything resembling a wrestling match. Mr. No Longer Perfect is absolutely hilarious. And one final word: NIPPLES.

On to tonight’s (last night’s) Smackdown. We open with a dramatic retrospective of last Monday night’s events involving the McMahon-Helmsleys, who are managing to OWN the programming despite the impending arrival of the NWO. The Triple H/Double A connection hook up and piece together the mystery. She was never pregnant! SEETHE, HUNTER, SEETHE! Bitch, berserker mode, beatdown on Vince. Then Stephanie becomes some sort of she-alien.

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The Alltel Arena in Little Rock. Consult Scott Keith for the requisite lame wrestling joke. I’m thinking Bret Hart should have reserved the “Armpit of America” comment for Arkansas. Our hosts are MICHAEL “Cuntrag”  COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 72 HOURS AWAY FROM ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH. No graphics for a main event tonight, but I’m banking on TENSION VERSUS VENGEANCE.

VINCE and STEPHANIE are out to get the ball rolling. Seems Vince has not abandoned her daughter in her times of stress, despite what she did on Monday. How about “despite trying to take over my entire corporation”? Vince goes on to justify the Queen Alien’s actions by turning it around on the audience, calling them a bunch of liars. I kinda dig how Vince always manages to turn storylines like this into studies on social psychology. Triple H will pay at No Way Out; he’ll lose his shot at the World title, and indeed, there is NO…WAY…OUT (of Texas). Stephanie takes the stick and rips into her mother, who seems to enjoy foiling her best-laid plans. Then it’s onto Triple H, who gave her NO…WAY…OUT (of Texas) and made her resort to what she did. Seems Steph has been hard at work tearing up photos and destroying videos, including H’s “classic” first matches. Oh, that’s rich. As if she wasn’t doing the entire WORLD a favor with that one. “You may have destroyed my reputation, Hunter, but I will destroy YOU! I VOW to make your life a living HELL!” And so it begins. Vince sets up our main event – Kurt Angle and The Undertaker countering Triple H and Maven. Cole: “That’s not fair!” Gotta wonder how it makes Maven feel being lower on the hierarchy of vengeful booking than a handicap match. Steph promises a special Valentine’s Day surprise.

Backstage, TEST consults his on-again-off-again partner in crime, BOOKER T. They mock Booker’s opponent for the evening, Spike, then look towards No Way Out, where they plan on becoming 3-time Tag Champions. Dig it.

We get a “Godfather’s escort service” commercial, where THE GODFATHER offers a “2 for 1” Valentine’s Day special. Just KILL IT, already.

SPIKE DUDLEY versus BOOKER T.

Test is out with Booker, who ultimately asks Test to leave what with this one being “in the bag”. Victory is now assured for Spike. The bell rings, and Booker’s on the attack. He misses a clothesline but nails the leaping heel kick, then unleashes some chops, some knees to the gut, and a bodyslam. Toss into the corner BOUNCES Spike off the turnbuckles and to the mat. Into another corner, and Booker misses an elbow. Spike takes advantage with some rights, then tries an irish – reversed into a clothesline from Booker. Back bodydrop from Booker, then a count of 2 as Booker pulls away from the cover. FEEL THE MISGUIDED CONFIDENCE! Hammering away at the back now, then a slo-ow pull into a standing heel kick. Axe Kick follows – Spinaroonie – Harlem sidekick. Another pull-away count of 2. As Cole mentions the fact that Tazz isn’t at the arena tonight, we step closer towards the inevitable. Booker proceeds to the top rope with Spike in tow, nailing the superplex. Spike decides to cradle Booker’s legs shortly after impact, hanging on for the 3 (3:11). Cute. THUMBS DOWN.

Meanwhile, RIC FLAIR catches up with CHRIS JERICHO. Flair wants to have a word with the Undisputed Champ, and then they bicker for a while about whose office they’ll head over to. I like the subtlety there.

N-Double-Yo promo. THE END IS HERE! The end of my sanity.

Back in Flair’s office, Jericho is treated to a videotape containing what is a well-produced highlight package of the events from Monday night. Basically, it’s what would have run to start tonight’s show if there was no pregnancy angle. That’s really, really dumb, but I digress. Flair doesn’t want to jeopardize the title match at No Way Out, so he offers Jericho an opportunity to leave the building before Austin shows up. But Jericho is undisputedly not afraid. He turns the tables around and insinuates Flair is afraid of The Undertaker. Flair responds by booking Jericho in a non-title match with Kane. Game, set, match!

Meanwhile, CHUCK and BILLY exchange Valentine’s Day chocolates. Is it me, or is Palumbo a little TOO perfect for this role? Elsewhere, it seems THE APA are spying on Chuck and Billy using top-secret WWFE technology. Bradshaw is like, “what the hell?” and Farrooq is like “DAMN!”. Scotsman is like “I’m fat!” and Randazzo is like “I’m gonna write a book!”

THE APA versus BILLY and CHUCK

Billy and Chuck have some kind of weird, new entrance music. “You look so good to me” or some such nonsense. The chocolates are out with the fruits, so we’re guaranteed some foreign object usage. Bradshaw and Faarooq attack from behind on the outside, then they take it to the ring with Chuck eating a double shoulderblock. BIG BOOT on the apron for Billy, courtesy of Bradshaw. Stomping on Chuck, then some irish reversal and the fall-away slam. Chuck rakes the eyes and hits the desperation tag, and Billy’s in to receive some rights, a shoulderblock and a big elbowdrop. Cover gets 2. Tag to Faarooq and a whip into the ropes – EVERYONE MUST BE SHOULDERBLOCKED. Another irishwhip is reversed, and Chuck nails Faarooq on the apron. Bradshaw doesn’t like what he sees, so he runs over to unload on Chuck. They spill out of the ring while Billy lets go of some shots on Faarooq’s face. Back outside, Bradshaw tastes the steel steps, then Faarooq reverses a whip into the corner but charges into an elbow. Billy runs into the spinebuster, but Chuck SMASHES the chocolates of DOOM (complete with weight plate) against Faarooq’s noggin, putting him away. Pinfall follows at 2:09. THUMBS DOWN.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and DEBRA arrive, and with them, the promise of introducing something worthwhile to the show.

N-Double-Yo promo. Personally, I’m skipping the PPV in favor of The Simpsons hitting the T-Dot.

The X Box Slam of the Week is Jericho defiling Austin with some beer on RAW.

Austin steps out to speak his mind. We’re kicking it OLD SCHOOL SCSA right now, folks. He’s addicted – addicted to the GOLD! This sounds like a positive message to children or a really disturbing message about professional wrestlers. Austin’s looking to get high at No Way Out, but he doesn’t make it clear if he’ll be sharing with Scott Hall. “This Sunday at No Way Out…Chris Jericho, you’ve got NO WAY OUT (of Texas)!” Then Austin promises a “special” kind of stunner at the PPV, and as I contemplate SuperStunners, Stunner Con Hilos and Stunnercanranas, Austin plans to “put some stink on it”. I don’t know what the means. And that’s the bottom line cuz Stone Cold says so.

VAL VENIS versus IC CHAMPION WILLIAM REGAL

Val does his Rick Rude shtick and comes dangerously close to sexual assault. Pat down for Regal, then they lock it up, collar and elbow style. Clothesline from Venis, then some rights, into a shoulderblock. Cole announces the “Brass Knucks on a Pole” match at No Way Out. AS IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE REASON ENOUGH TO ORDER. Elbowdrop and a kneedrop hit their marks, then Regal kicks out of a cover at 2. He grabs what we can assume are the knucks from the apron and eats a suplex. Venis goes up top, but Regal shoves the ref into the ropes, crotching Val and giving Regal an opportunity to get the knucks ready. PUNCH OF ILLEGALITY follows, and the cover is elementary (0:59). This makes about 2 minutes of in-ring time for Val since his return, and his opening act was longer than the actual match. THUMBS DOWN. Jonathon Coachman comes out of nowhere for the walking interview with Regal regarding the No Way Out match. Regal knocks him out cold. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE. Apparently, the assault of an annoying broadcaster is enough to put EDGE over the…uh, edge…and he’s out to SPEAR Regal and smile maniacally. Regal throws a decidedly British hissy fit.

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho walks into a highly SWANK room that we’ll ass-you-me is his locker room, only to be confronted with a beer pyramid on the desk. They play “80’s thriller flick” again as a can pops open off screen, and we pan over to see The Rattlesnake looming over Jericho. Jericho: “Steve, take it easy man.” Austin: “Pick…up…a beer.” Jericho: “but…they’re your beers.” Austin: “I KNOW they’re my beers. Pick up a DAMN BEER. You didn’t have trouble pickin’ one up last Monday night, did ya?” He recounts the beer-beating and toasts Jericho. He asks the champ if he’s ready for Sunday, then Jericho asks the same question. “Does it look like I’m ready? (Pause) Shut up.” Then Austin knocks the beer out of Jericho’s hand with his own. “Anytime I want you, Chris, you’re mine. Anytime I want, those little titles are mine. Anytime, Chris, anytime, WHAM, you’re mine. I want you to remember that. Thank you.” STONE COLD IS GOD.

Elsewhere, THE DUDLEY BOYZ demand another shot at the tag titles from Ric Flair. CHRISTIAN and LANCE STORM walk in moments later with a similar demand, then Christian goes 5 year old on everyone’s ass. Flair puts together a “Tag Team Turmoil” match at No Way Out for a title shot at Wrestlemania. It’ll be the Duds, Lance and Christian, Scotty and Albert, Chuck and Billy, the APA and…The Hardyz. Bubba: “who?”

GOLDUST versus TAJIRI

I see no end in sight to the parade of crap that’s walking right through the ring tonight. They lock up and trade armdrags, then Tajiri nails a superkick. Irishwhip is reversed into a Goldust clothesline, then Goldust whips Tajiri only to go down too early and get kicked in the ass. Hardy har. Toss into a corner is reversed, then Goldie charges into what becomes a Tarantula. Gotta love how Dustin sells it before it’s halfway completed. Moonsault misses, then Goldust explodes with some soupbones and sets up the Shattered Dreams. Torrie’s up on the apron to try to put a stop to it, and Godlust is JUST stupid enough to walk over, get slapped, then turn into a kick from Tajiri. Cover gets 2.9, then Goldust comes back with a Final Cut, or Curtain Call, as Michael Cole will have you believe. Fuck you, Michael Cole. THUMSB DOWN. Right on cue, ROB VAN DAM shows up, bringing a Fivestar Frogsplash with him.

Neat bit as Jericho does the traditional walk to the ring backstage, but stumbles upon Austin, calmly drinking a beer.

N-Double-Yo. FOR LIFE! Seriously. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO versus KANE: Non-Title

Lots of punchy punchy to start, then Jericho tries walking off with the belts, only to get pulled back up on the apron. He snaps Kane’s throat over the top rope, then hits the missile dropkick. Kicks to the back and head, then Kane counters with some rights and an attempted chokeslam. Jericho elbows out, then charges off the ropes. Kane flips him up, over and out, then Jericho grabs the belts AGAIN and tries to exit through the crowd. Kane ain’t having it, so he pounds away until Jericho grabs one of the titles and knocks him out. That draws a DQ at 1:46. THUMBS DOWN. Austin’s out for the paint-by-number Stunner. “WHAM!” says Austin.

Moments Ago: That’s the best they could come up with.

Meanwhile, Vince chats it up with The Hulkster over his cell phone. It’s fun to imagine that these two actually have conversations like this. “I can feel the poison flowing! Yeah! Whachagonnado?” THE UNDERTAKER steps in and calls Vince “Boss” twice in short order. Then Angle walks in and apologizes for knocking Stephanie down a week ago. Stephanie wants UT and Angle to tear Triple H apart.

We get the WWF Desire video that everyone creams over, NWO-ized, complete with spraypaint on Vince Sr. Good stuff.

The Stacker 2 Burn of a Week ago is vehicular assault, courtesy of The Undertaker.

THE UNDERTAKER and KURT ANGLE versus HARDCORE CHAMPION MAVEN and TRIPLE H

HA! Triple H’s extended entrance proves to be a perfect opportunity for ‘Taker and Angle to attack. Big brawl on the outside, then we’re into the ring with ‘Taker pounding away on Triple H. Whip into a corner, but H gets the boot up as ‘Taker charges. H off the ropes – clothesline. Pounding away with some rights, then off the ropes again – into a shoulderblock. UT misses an elbowdrop, then H is back with some kicks and punches. Attempted atomic drop by ‘Taker – H missing a clothesline – UT nailing his own. Undie with a tag to Angle, and he stomps a mudhole. Irish is reversed – into the patented Triple H choke on the mat. Angle off the ropes – SPINEBUSTER. UT breaks up the cover at 2, then tosses Triple H out. H tastes the steel steps while Maven, having finally recovered from the initial brawl, busts out a SPINNING HEEL KICK on Angle! YOU GO, BOY! Angle misses the clothesline – DROPKICK from Maven! Did Hardcore Holly teach him that OR WHAT? Now a BELLY-TO-BACK from Maven! MOVESET MULTIPLICATION! Cover gets 2, even though it should get ZERO, seeing as how Maven ain’t legal. Big belly-to-back from Angle for another 2, and we still don’t know why Maven’s in the ring. Tag to Undie – and UT boots away at the gut. BIG clothesline in the corner, then UT tosses Maven out like so much excess champion. Angle attacks on the outside while UT distracts H, then sends him back in. UT goes to work slo-owly with some boots and an elbowdrop. Toss into the corner, then a BIG BOOT. 1, 2, UT pulls him up. Way to ruin the flow of the match, Mean Mark. Tag to Angle, and it’s STRAPS DOWN! To the top for what he thinks is an easy moonsault – NO GO. Maven crawling to the corner, but Angle grabs the ankle and wrenches away. I still don’t see how this is punishment for Triple H. H is in to smack UT off the apron and hit the DDT on Angle. Maven eventually makes the tag - GOD OF THUNDER SUMMONING POWER BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION! Clothesline, clothesline, UT in to eat some rights. HIGH KNEE on Angle, BIG CLOTHESLINE sending Undie out, then a SPEAR on Angle. Punch, punch, punch, pulled off by the ref. Angle with a knee to the gut – sending H to the ropes – FACEBUSTER on the knee! PEDIGREE is STOPPED with a big boot from Undie. Maven to the top – MISSILE DROPKICK on Angle! UT tosses Maven to the outside, then makes my day with the POWERBOMB THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Back in, H and Angle trade lefts and rights, then Angle unleashes ROLLING OLYMPICPLEXES. H elbows out, then UT charges with the clothesline – H ducks – then Angle eats it and sails out! FACEBUSTER on Undie, but another PEDIGREE attempt is thwarted with the STEEL to the back from Angle. DQ at 9:18. Weak ending and a sprinkling of stupidity notch it down to THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, but the match was like Steamboat/Flair compared to the rest of the show. Post-match festivities include chairshots, a chokeslam, and RIC FLAIR making the save. BIG BOOT from UT on Flair, and that feud has MONEY written all over it. Vince breaks up The Last Ride, because a devastating maneuver such as that one would obviously prevent Flair from witnessing the NWO this Sunday. Team McMahon continue working over H as Stephanie announces she’ll be special guest referee at No Way Out. BIG chairshot from Angle ends the night.

Brutal, brutal show that did a weak job of advancing anything. The lone highlight has to be Austin somewhat salvaging the main event with an awesome promo and some sweet backstage tete-a-tete. Still, a THUMBS DOWN show that really puts everything into the perspective – the WWF needs change, and it needs it NOW. Bring on Hall, Nash and Hogan.

Theory of the week: my buddy Steve, proprietor of  the website I mentioned earlier, feels that the New World Order should debut with just as big a bang as they did in the WCW. His idea? The Rock goes NWO, tired of being screwed out of the title by Jericho and Vince alike. Of course, the entire New World Order turns on McMahon, and we have a tweener group that doesn’t discriminate – if you’re on the hit list, you’re on the hit list. The way the NWO should be. And after all, Hogan made “Hollywood” and status a key point in the original New World Order – netting movie roles for his members and bringing in celebs like Dennis Rodman. Who better than the WWF’s biggest movie star to join the band? We’ll see.

Until next week, buy Scott Keith stuff. If you want to, you can also buy me stuff, and unlike Keith, I’ll shower you with praise, plug your sites and make your girlfriends feel like a woman. E-mail me for more details!

E-MAIL EITAN
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Eitan, sometimes known as sayeitan, is a veteran of websites such as xwrestling, lethalwrestling and wrestleline. He counts among his influences Gene Simmons, Lucio Fulci and Tie Domi.

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