by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Christ, I’m like The Rock. Always coming and going, yet maintaining a constant flow of mediocrity. I’d like to start things off this week by laughing at a certain other website that enjoys “working” readers. The tables certainly turned this week, didn’t they? And the funniest thing is that they were worked by Rob Black, designated caveman of the wrestling scene. These guys need to go out and rent “Snuff”, then find themselves some back-up for Scotsman, because as the Toronto Maple Leafs now know, you can never tell when you need to go to the bench.

Quick thought on RAW: Who else was waiting for Tajiri to be the third guy in the Intercontinental #1 contenders match? Followed by a 20 minute, uninterrupted classic concluding with a Van Daminator into Storm’s face during a Tarantula? Big Show’s music was enough to both snap me out of my daydream and make me realize the days in which possibilities like that existed are LONG gone.

On to tonight’s (last night’s) Smackdown. We skip the dramatic retrospectives and dive headfirst into the worst build-up for a Wrestlemania since XV. And even XV had a main event with a history that extended beyond a 30 second videoclip. Still revolved around a McMahon, though. Look at me meandering like a WWF storyline…

Smackdown! is NOT LIVE! from The Fleet Center in Boston. Our hosts are MICHAEL “Cuntrag”  COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 3 WEEKS AWAY FROM ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH. We’ve got a graphic for the main event tonight, and Tag Team Randomizer © says it’s Triple H and Kane taking on Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle. It’s the two ‘Mania matches now completely buried by the N-Double-Yo IN TAG TEAM INSANITY! I’m willing to bet Curt Hennig will be nowhere near this show.

THE HARDY BOYZ and LITA versus THE DUDLEY BOYZ and WOMEN’S CHAMPION JAZZ

Bubba informs us Stacy “injured” her ankle during a photoshoot, so conveniently, we get Lita set to collide with Jazz. The “dangerous” champ goes right after Lita, so we start with the women. Jazz with a snap suplex and some rights, then Lita fights back but has her irishwhip reversed. Lita off the ropes with a headscissors takedown, then she’s into the ropes again but taken down by the hair courtesy of Bubba. Jazz goes back to work with a scoop and a slam as we’re informed that Molly suffered a neck injury on Monday. JAZZ: SHE’S DANGEROUS. Off the ropes and missing a splash. Both women crawling to their respective corners – simultaneous tags. Jeff is in to meet Bubba with a dropkick, then another, then he’s whipped into the corner – off the top with a corkscrew moonsault but nobody’s home. Quick cover by Bubba but it’s broken up at 2 by Matt. D-Von’s in to deliver the ILLEGAL Dudley Neckbreaker Drop. Tag brings D-Von in legit, and he hits the twisting shoulderblock off the ropes. Some clobbering, then it’s a whip into the corner where Jeff gets a boot up to meet the charging D-Von. Sweet spot follows as Bubba, still on the apron, whips Jeff into the ropes and into a subsequent powerslam by D-Von. Cover gets 2, then it’s a tag to Bubba and a double flapjack. Bubba with his patented elbow, elbow, double axehandle, cover for 2. Jeff struggling to get to his corner, but Bubba keeps him in by the hair. Whip into a corner – Jeff up and into a hurricanrana. Bubba walks into a right from Matt on the apron, then it’s a KICK WHAM DDT from Jeff. They crawl, they tag, Matt hits two clotheslines and a back bodydrop. There’s a right on Bubba for good measure – “Side Effect” (that swinging clothesline/neckbreaker) on D-Von. 1…2…Jazz breaks it up. Everything explodes now, going “Gonzo” I guess you could say, and Matt winds up in WHAZZUP, only to have Lita knock D-Von off the top and reverse the move on Bubba. Then Bubba rolls out to eat a slingshot bodypress from Jeff – Matt clotheslines D-Von out of the ring. Jazz is tagged in and challenges Matt – she goes KICK WHAM attempted Fisherman’s Suplex, but Matt reverses into his own suplex. Tag to Lita and she spears Jazz out of the corner. Matt with a running clothesline off the apron and to the outside on D-Von. Titl-a-whirl slam by Lita and Jazz kicks out at 2 and a half. The ref gets distracted by outside shenanigans, so Stacy’s in with a DEVESTATING spinkick on Lita. She uses her “injured” leg, and in case we don’t get it, Cole screams, “SHE WASN’T HURT!” Asshole. Fisherman’s Buster puts it away at 5:42. Hey Matt, “Jobber” is just a six-letter word. THUMBS UP. Plenty of quality action and, really, the best they could do with the women’s division.

Earlier Today: THE UNDERTAKER lounges while watching video from RAW, specifically, his beatdown on Arn Anderson. I’m surprised it’s not a slick WWF production, complete with mechanical sound effects and crimson tinting. RIC FLAIR walks in, calls UT a “cold hearted bastard”, and turns off the tape. “All this is about Wrestlemania? You want my answer? You’ll get it. HERE! TONIGHT!” and he shatters the videotape against a wall. I’m guessing he didn’t finish off “…IN THIS VERY RING!”  because it’s gotten way too popular with the overweight, virginal crowd.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN time! How in the HELL is he walking? IT’S A MIRACLE, WHAT? I SAID IT’S A MIRACLE. He hobbles around, clutching a chair, then everything gets NWO-ized before Austin can say a word. What follows, inexplicably, is HULK HOGAN cutting a promo on The Rock and promising us a video later tonight. Hogan splits, then SCOTT HALL and Austin exchange insults. We even get footage from Monday, just in case we forgot. KEVIN NASH tosses in his two cents, at which point Austin makes his way up the ramp and produces a weapon. Nash screams, “HE’S GOT A GUN!” and then Austin shoots a fucking net at him. Nash sells it like it’s the oil slick from Creepshow 2. As if this all wasn’t ridiculous enough, it’s all for naught as Hall beats up on Austin, then runs away, perhaps fearing further hunting-related assault. This was 18 kinds of stupid, and I hear it was even sillier (and more botched) live.

IC CHAMPION WILLIAM REGAL versus THE BIG SHOW: Non-Title

Regal has been so on with his material as of late, I’m actually saddened to see RVD being positioned to most likely take Regal off regular programming. Regal goes after a leg, but ends up in a choke. He powers off – into the ropes – off and into a bearhug. He elbows out of that, but this time he’s the ropes and into a boot. To the outside we go, and it’s a heabutt and a shot to the steel steps. Gorilla Press, then Show tosses Regal back in. BIG knee in the corner, then Show clobbers away. Another BIG boot misses, as Show gets a leg caught up on the top turnbuckle, allowing Regal to begin eliminating the vertical base. I’ve been waiting to type that. Regal trying to go irish – pulled into a BIG clothesline. Show whipping Regal from corner to corner, but charging into a boot. He absorbs it, then falls into the exact same situation, giving Regal a precious few moments to go for the knucks in his tights. Show stops him – BIG slap to the chest in the corner – off the ropes and Regal into a BIG reverse shoulderblock. STRAPS DOWN! SCREAMING GIANT WANTS YOU TO LOOK AT HIS HAND! Meanwhile, Regal’s ten steps ahead with the knucks on, shoving the ref, then nailing Show in the gut. Show collapses – right on top of Regal. 1,2 and 3 (2:44). That’s a pretty cute finish, and this could have actually been a pretty watchable Big Show match if given just a little more time. THUMBS DOWN. Post-pinfall, Regal flails away, trying to get out from under Show. I guess the implication here is that if The Big Show were to simply put all his weight into a cover, he’d be unbeatable. I know, I know, suspension of disbelief.

Meanwhile, BOOKER T.  consults TAJIRI about his Japanese shampoo commercial plans. “Yo! Japanese people! What’s the deal with your nasty hair? Just because you know Kung Fu…doesn’t mean you know sham-poo!” As funny as it sounds. Tajiri says Booker’s hair looks like “Buckwheat on crack”, then Booker calls him “sucka”. Really choice material here.

CHRIS JERICHO is shining his title belts. STEPHANIE McMAHON suggests someone should be doing that for him. Then they somehow segue into hand lotion, and GET THAT FILTHY MIND OF YOURS OUT OF THE GUTTER! Seems Jericho has fetched the wrong hand lotion for Stephanie, so he gets sent off to get the good stuff. He leans in, teasing a comeback, but instead acquiesces. To already be sowing the seeds of discontent between these two is ridiculous, but then again, Austin is trying to capture Hall and Nash in nets and Booker is gunning for a shampoo commercial. Enjoy “the most impressive collection of talent in history”, folks!

Meanwhile, backstage, MAVEN has the balls to be swaggering around with the Hardcore title belt.

HARDCORE CHAMPION MAVEN versus GOLDUST

Goldust in a hardcore match, eh? Makes (WWF) sense. “Chris” from Tough Enough is in the crowd, looking plenty bitter. Or is he just acutely aware of the crappy product unfolding in front of him? Goldust is all over Maven to start things off, nailing some kicks and his, er…buttblock (TO THE FACE!). Snapmare, then an elbowdrop. Cover gets 2. A whip is reversed, into an atomic drop by Maven. Maven charging with a clothesline, but Goldust goes down and hangs on to the top rope. Maven spills out, then Dustin goes HARDCORE with some trashcans and lids. Back in the ring, Maven boots a trashcan up and into Goldust’s face, resulting in a cover for 2. DDT by Goldust, then he sets up a trashcan in the corner and slingshots Maven into it facefirst. When Maven crumples back, he falls into a sort of back-breaking submission maneuver that’s either brilliant improv from Goldie or a happy coincidence. SWANK front suplex (looking more like a facebuster suplex) follows, then Goldust grabs himself a fire extinguisher. Maven, of course, turns it around on him and scores the victory with a cradle at 2:54. THUMBS DOWN. Another match that was definitely heading somewhere, but didn’t have enough time. Goldust ain’t having it, so he unloads a boot, and then the lights go out. UT’s music is cued up, and he’s out on his bike. Goldust splits, then the long….slow…beating begins. AL SNOW’s out to clothesline ‘Taker out of the ring. Amidst the confusion and screaming, Cole somehow deciphers an impromptu challenge, and so…

THE UNDERTAKER versus AL SNOW

UT’s in to eat some rights in the corner, but he reverses a whip into the opposite corner and nails a charging clothesline. Heabutt, then Snow slides out of another whip and goes to work with some rights. SUPERKICK takes UT out of the ring. GO SHINOBI, GO! UT pulls Snow to the outside and begins making mince meat out of him, but Snow avoids a chairshot and chops away. Now it’s ‘Taker into the steps – Snow charging with a chair – into a choke from UT. CHOKESLAM ON THE OUTSIDE! It isn’t 2 Cold Scorpio getting powerbombed on the conccrete by Shane Douglas, but it’s still that extra kind o’ special. Back into the ring, UT’s looking for the DREADED DRAGON SLEEPER, but RIC FLAIR is out to assault ‘Taker with the LEAD PIPE OF DOOM at 2:10 for the (implied) DQ. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for some fun, fun stuff. Flair still won’t accept the Wrestlemania challenge. But – if ‘Taker touches a friend of Flair’s again, he’ll go “dirtiest player in the game” on him. Gee, that’s kinda asking for it, no? Flair gets in one final shot and then walks off as ‘Taker channels Raven in the WCW and grins maniacally.

The Stacker 2 Burn of the Week sees the APA walking into a homosexual set-up. BURN!

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS BILLY and CHUCK versus THE APA 

BECAUSE WE JUST COULDN’T WAIT UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA! Chase and melee start things off, then Faarooq goes to work on Chuck in the ring. They spill out, so it’s Bradshaw in with a fallaway slam on Billy. Faarooq’s back in for the double team, then, wouldn’t ya know it? THE SAME NECKBREAKER THE DUDLEYZ USE. Coincidence? Probably. Chuck is in and gets tossed again, so Bradshaw follows as Faarooq whips Billy from post to post. Faarooq with the flying shoulderblock on a seated Billy, then Bradshaw brings Chuck in to get his. Double powerbomb, then Billy walks into Bradshaw’s boot. Faarooq clotheslines Billy out, and as Chuck eats a spinebuster, Billy manages to toss Bradshaw into the steps. Conveniently, Faarooq is bent over and smack-talkin’ Chuck, so Billy just waltzes in and hits the Fameasser. He rolls Chuck onto Faarooq for the cover as Teddy Long checks on Bradshaw, then makes the count (2:38). This was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. THUMBS DOWN.

Earlier Tonight: Flair goes PSYCHO! And opens his big fat mouth.

GOLDUST versus HARDCORE CHAMPION MAVEN: Round Two

Backstage, Maven has his injuries looked at, but Goldust shows up. “Hey, is he okay?” The trainer responds, “I dunno, he’s kind of out of it.” So Goldust knocks him off the bench and makes the cover for 3 (0:07). THUMBS DOWN. I would have been suspicious right off the bat, what with the ref tagging along with him. Goldust makes my night by raising the belt triumphantly, posing, and letting out a “WOOOO!”. I swear to god, Russo HAS to be booking this stuff.

More Booker and Tajiri hijinx. Booker gets on the phone with the shampoo company and promises them a victorious spokesperson tonight. His “Saronara” cracks me up. Tajiri takes the phone back and says, “don’t worry, just a jackass.” But no one in the crowd catches it.

Next up, we get the debut of Hogan’s video, which quite frankly KICKS ASS. Hogan narrates as we follow his career from victory over the Iron Sheik, Hulkamania running wild, crossing over to WCW, creating the NWO and returning to attempt pre-meditated murder. Clips from MTV, Mr. Nanny, No Holds Barred, the NES WWF game, The Arsenio Hall Show, the WWF cartoon, and, as a bonus, “If You Only Knew”. Seriously, I felt 10 again.

Still to come tonight: a bunch of guys in a tag team match. No N-Double-Yo, though, so don’t get too excited.

Earlier Tonight: Kevin Nash can’t work his way out of a small net.

BOOKER T. versus SCOTTY 2 HOTTY

Booker comes out with shampoo. You know, if they’re really gonna do this, couldn’t they at least have some Japanese photographers on hand, or perhaps Kimona Wanalaya? Maybe even a “Shampoo Exhibition match” with The Great Sasuke and Tajiri? Oh well…let the squash begin. Booker gets it going with some chops, then a mudhole in the corner. More chops, then Scotty gets tossed over the top rope. BUT he holds on, comes back with some rights and a shoulderblock, but eventually falls into a spinebuster. Big sidekick, then a suplex – then another Scotty comeback is quelled with a reverse elbow. Some rights, then we go post-to-post, because every episode of Smackdown needs its 2 or 3 “moves of the night”. Booker tries a KUNG FU KICK but ends up crotched on the top rope, then taken down in preparation for the Worm. It’s unsuccessful, of course, as Booker gets the leg up, then hotshots Scotty over the top rope. Axekick, spinaroonie, Harlem sidekick, cover for 3 (4:23). THUMBS DOWN. Post-match, EDGE appears on the screen, stealing the shampoo deal away from Booker along with Tajiri and reps from the company. One guy caresses Edge’s hair and says, “you have hair…like the lion!” I think Jericho might have issues with that. Booker is understandably upset.

Our “Wrestlemania Moment” of the night involves various carnage involving the Duds and Hardys in 2000.

Backstage, CHRISTIAN wonders why he’s listening to DDP. And wouldn’t you know it, there’s POSITIVELY PAGE, along with some kids he’s brought along. They’ve got some choice words for Christian, “ugly” and “loser” among them. DDP calms Christian down and instills the confidence in him to make a witty comeback. Deadbeat Dad humor follows, then Page shakes his head. You can almost hear the “WA WA WAAAAA” in the background.

Next we get a recap of the genital jokes heard on RAW. You have to admit, Stephanie looks like a girl with a big vagina.

Meanwhile, KANE and TRIPLE H gear up for the main event. Stephanie interrupts, then demands 50% in the divorce, PLUS 50% of Triple H’s future earnings. SWERVE! SWERVE!

The Lugz Boot of the Week is Kane costing Angle the match on RAW. So two guys have a couple of solid matches on TV. That’s enough to toss ‘em onto the ‘Mania card?

KANE and TRIPLE H versus KURT ANGLE and UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO

Ah yes, the main event. The signal that there remains about 10 minutes of our torturous adventure. Kane and H play Ping Pong with Angle as the bell sounds, then Jericho walks into a Triple H assault. NASTY back bodydrop on Angle from Kane, then Angle gets tossed out. H with the high knee on Jericho, then he clobbers away. Jericho off the ropes with a flying forearm to turn things around, then some rights as Stephanie sneers. H out of the corner with his patented choke takedown, then a tag to Kane. Lots of punching and tossing, then a charging clothesline into the corner. Whip into the opposite corner, but Jericho gets a boot up, then comes off the ropes with a missile dropkick. Tag to Angle, who hesitates, but eventually walks into some rights. BIG TIME tilt-a-whirl slam, then there’s a clusterfrick in the heel corner as Kane ties it up with Jericho. Angle gains the advantage, then makes the tag, so there’s the double team. Kane turns it around and hits the double clothesline, then he tries for a tombstone piledriver on Angle, but Jericho dropkicks the knee. H finally breaks it up, but Angle clips the leg and works it over, using the steel post. Jericho back in and kicking away, then he drops an elbow on the leg. FEEL THE PSYCHOLOGY. More legwork, with Jericho using a legbar and gaining leverage from Angle in the corner. Tag to Angle, and he continues the assualt, stomping away. Dropping 2 elbows and back into a leglock, but Kane powers out, only to taste a belly-to-back suplex. Another clip of the leg, then another, then Angle charges into a desperation clothesline. Into a choke, but Angle kicks out and grabs the leg. Kane tries the BIG enziguiri, but Angle ducks and turns it into the ANKLELOCK. These guys really click, but by the third one-on-one it’ll be PLAYED. Kane struggling – H breaks it up. They crawl to their respective corners – tag to Jericho and he charges over to knock H off the apron. FEEL THE INTELLIGENCE! Jericho now going to work, but coming off the ropes and into a whirlwind slam. They crawl, they tag – MOLTEN LAVA! H pounds away on Angle, Jericho eats a neckbreaker, then Angle gets the SPINEBUSTER (not on the pine)! Cover for 1…2..H rolls off as Jericho drops an inadvertent elbow on Angle! H knocking Jericho out of the ring – Angle into the KNEE OF PENUMLTIMATE DOOM! Jericho breaks up a cover at 2, then Kane nails the BIG BOOT on him. H sets up the pedigree on Angle, but Stephanie comes in to grab a couple of handfuls of hair. H ain’t having it, so he sets up ANOTHER pedigree, but Jericho puts a stop it with one of the title belts. Kane and Jericho spill out, then Angle goes for the victory but it’s THE GOD OF THUNDER SUMMONING POWER BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION and kicking out! Straps down on Angle! ANKLELOCK! Kane off the top with a SEXY flying clothesline, then Jericho follows it up by coming off the top and falling into a choke from Kane. Stephanie is in to TAP Kane with the steel chair, so she scampers off while Angle receives the chairshot. The ref is, of course, MIA. Into the pedigree – 1,2,3 (10:10). THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE.  

Um…anyone looking for Wrestlemania tickets? If you thought the Invasion fiasco was bad, Wrestlemania is on its way to making that look like a complete success. We’ve got all the ingredients people have been clamoring for: Flair, the N-Double-Yo trio, Jericho as champ, Triple H as scorned hubby – and the creative team is flubbing everything straight to hell. In the process, a LOT of guys are looking bad – bad enough to put serious blotches on careers. Lance Storm, Tajiri, Christian, Test, Big Show – glorified jobbers. Booker T. – the ultimate jobber to the stars. Kane and Angle is NOT the type of thing that should be getting an upper-tier slot on Wrestlemania. And don’t get me started on Chuck and Billy. I was honestly hoping to stay positive about things, but at this point I’m no longer looking forward to upcoming shows the way I was just a month ago. We’ve got 3 weeks to go and some BIG things have to happen during that time to salvage all of this. One thing that has to go are the props - let Hall and Austin cut loose on the mic. These are the guys that put “The Outsiders” and “3:16” in motion – the two events that sparked a major boom for pro wrestling. If Flair/UT is gonna happen, might as well make it a career match in a cage. Yeah, the stipulation would likely get tossed at some later point, but anything’s better than “UT beats up Arn, Ric gets revenge.” Or, hell, we could have Triple H take the Undisputed championship on RAW, just to stir things up. Because at this point, when Triple H pedigrees Stephanie at ‘Mania and scores the championship, the crowd will give a reaction somewhere around 1/1000^th the size of Hogan/Warrior.

Ah well, in the meantime, you should BUY SCOTT KEITH STUFF. Or, if you’ve already spent the week’s paycheck on him, you could mosey over to MY CORNER at Amazon and plan next week’s dip into the piggy bank. Remember, I’m the writer that LOVES YOU. Until next week, don’t be too smark for you own good…

E-MAIL EITAN
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

Eitan, sometimes known as sayeitan, is a veteran of websites such as xwrestling, lethalwrestling and wrestleline. He counts among his influences Gene Simmons, Lucio Fulci and Tie Domi.

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