by Eitan Shapiro
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome one and all to my final piece of recapping here at OO, and most likely my final piece of productivity on any wrestling-related website on the net. It’s been fun. 

Quick thought on RAW: we saw the second cage match in a row (the first being Jericho/Austin) wherein a participant balked on the chance to easily walk through the cage door en route to victory. In one case, it was stubborn pride, in the other, loyalty to an associate. Pretty bizarre considering how the WWF plays up victory and defeat. It’s always “he COST you the match,” “she COST you victory,” “you GAINED momentum.” I thought every match, be it title or non-title, singles or tag, was like putting everything on the line. Oh well, it’s not like consistency is a strongpoint in WWF programming. Hey ‘Taker, can’t we just ease up on the guy who scored you your first WWF championship?

On to tonight’s (last night’s) Smackdown. We skip the dramatic retrospectives and follow RIC FLAIR over to The Undertaker’s dressing room. FLAIR IS PSYCHO! He knocks down the “Deadman Inc.” sign on the door and proceeds to stomp away, to no avail. Meanwhile, inside, THE UNDERTAKER is busy recapping his beatdown on David Flair this past Monday. “Then I went BONZO GONZO.” Flair finally gives it up and decides to WOOOOOO! walk that aisle. 

Smackdown! is LIVE LIVE LIVE! from The Freeman Coliseum in Shawn Michaels. I mean, San Antonio. Our hosts are MICHAEL “Cuntrag”  COLE and JERRY LAWLER, and WE ARE JUST 10 DAYS AWAY FROM ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH. We’ve got a graphic for the main event tonight, and it’s THE RETURN OF THE ROCK! Hey, that beats random tag team matches, I guess.

Here comes WWF co-owner Ric Flair. He goes over his return to the WWF, defeating Vince McMahon, and the current situation with ‘Taker. He talks about Arn telling him to just let it go, and David being unable to celebrate his 23^rd birthday. “My friend, your trophycase isn’t big enough to hold Ric Flair, the wrestler.” At this point, Flair jumps into one of those tantrums that has me genuinely concerned about his well-being. Wouldn’t this have been a wonderful spot for the heart attack angle that was already thrown away on Nitro? Just imagine ‘Taker at the top of the ramp, chuckling as paramedics work on Flair. But let’s not forget this is the WWF 2002, and just to remind us, Flair announces that, as of tonight, he’s a wrestler again. Then he says, “brother, I want to bleed! You like blood?” and begins smacking his forehead, which has been cleverly gimmicked with some makeup and blood packets. Of course, it doesn’t work, and it makes everyone look foolish in the process. And, of course, had you read any other recap you wouldn’t have caught that bit of stupidity due to either clueless viewing or lazy viewing, but hey, I’m not bitter…just trying to be informative. ‘Taker steps out to end what could have been a great segment by further pissing Flair off with his response: “I’m not really sure that I still wanna fight you at Wrestlemania. Now listen, I thought about it…I’m willing to let bygones be bygones, be the bigger man and forgive you for everything that you put me through. But really, I’m just not sure that me and you need to fight at Wrestlemania. I’ll tell ya what – it’s just like you told me. I’m gonna think about it, and I’ll give you my answer later tonight.” That was definitely a bit of alright.

STEPHANIE McMAHON walks with a swagger. TRIPLE H catches up with her and gets an earful about how effective Stephanie can be at ringside. They discuss dogs and Corvettes and splitting things 50/50. Seems  H would be content with the dog, and he’s arranged to have the Corvette show up in the parking lot tonight. But Stephanie still wants the dog, to which H replies, “isn’t one bitch in the house enough?” HAR HAR! Corvette + Wrestling Show = Vehicular Damage.

The Tobacco is Whacko (if you’re a teen) Whack of the Night is Rob Van Dam defeating Lance Storm on RAW. Um, I guess Tobacco is SUPER FUN GOOD if you’re not a teen.

WILLIAM REGAL is out to do some commentary, so let’s get this screwjob over with right quick.

ROB VAN DAM versus HARDCORE CHAMPION GOLDUST

A few quick notes here: I don’t know what some people are smoking, but RVD’s new entrance theme sounds nothing like “Walk”. It’s funny to see what remains of the ECW Hardcore tradition is Dustin Rhodes in a bodysuit. RVD gets us going as only he can, hitting the slingshot somersault to the outside. Some rights and kicks – then they travel into the crowd. RVD tries the twisting guillotine legdrop off the arpon, but Goldust avoids it. BIG clothesline, then it’s the TRASHCAN LID OF DOOM to the head. Hey, didn’t that knock Tazz the fuck out a few days ago? Back into the ring we go, and Goldust has an arsenal of GOLDEN weapons. Get it? Goldust? Gold steel chairs and trashcans? LMAOOOOO. Goldust with the irish – RVD ducking another clothesline – picking up a trashcan lid and nailing Goldust in the head. That was, uh…pretty non-RVDish. Rolling monkeyflip onto the steel chair, then Regal gets out of his seat and eats a baseball slide. Goldust seizes the opportunity and hits a – you guessed it – clothesline. Some stomping – into the corner – setting up for that ball-kicking move they’re calling the Golden Globes. But rather than, you know, EXECUTE the move, Goldie decides to wander around and slo-owly pick up a trashcan, enabling RVD to dropkick it into his face. Great sequence there, guys! Cover gets 2, then RVD sets Goldie up in a corner and hits the running “dropkick with steel chair to the face”, one of the sexier moves in hardcore wrestling. Moments later, Regal punches RVD in the face with the knucks and Goldust rolls him up for 3 (2:54). Gee Rob, you didn’t think your ‘Mania opponent would interfere in a NO RULES match, did ya? I’m usually biased with RVD but this is THUMBS DOWN material all the way.

We get a little ‘Mania rundown: Steve Austin meets Scott Hall. The backstory: two men, one cinderblock. And…that’s it. NOWHERE near as good as Rock/Hogan: two men, two promo videos, one attempted homicide. Fuck, this shit is so weak. Say all you want about cynical writers, but I’m telling you right now, post-Wrestlemania X-8, unless Paul Heyman books the entire thing from top to bottom, I’m reverting to old ECW and WCW videos from 96 through 98.

Meanwhile, CHRIS JERICHO whines about being Stephanie’s errand boy. Stephanie makes peace by presenting him with Triple H’s first (gay) robe, originally belonging to H’s mentor, Killer Kowalski. This is the kind of stuff that would have been effective over a longer period of time, say, longer than three weeks. The business partners hug.

We get a rundown of Japanese Shampoo wackiness.

LIGHT CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION TAJIRI versus BOOKER T.

That piece of tin is STILL on Tajiri’s waist. This would be the second quality cruiserweight in a row Booker’s going to walk all over. I guess the guy has to get some victories in before continuing his legacy of PPV jobbing. Unless, of course, you think Booker can score a victory at ‘Mania, in which case you probably buy things for internet reporters. Kicks from Tajiri in the corner, then Booker sucks him into a clothesline. Back to the corner we go for some kicks and chops, then a mudhole. Opposite corner now, and Booker hits the degrading SLAP. Another whip, but Tajiri flips out onto the apron and hits a CHOP SOCKY kick. To the top – missile dropkick – standing moonsault into a cover for 2. Tajiri into the ropes and ducking a chop – into an enziguiri. Dropkick to the knee – ELIMINATING THE VERTICAL BASE – into a dropkick to the face. Spinning deathkick follows, and perhaps we’ve entered Bizarro World, because this looks more like a reverse squash. Booker’s barely out at 2. He reverses a whip but goes down too soon and receives a kick to the gut. Tajiri off the ropes – and into a Booker spinebuster. Now we venture to Stupido World, as an Axe kick ends things rather suddenly at 2:24. THUMBS DOWN. What the hell was the point of that? Post-match, Booker continues the assualt, drawing EDGE out to deliver the obligatory spear.

We get that Rock video again. Pretty good response to the Hogan video, and really, that’s all this feud needed – the emphasis on past versus present. Nowhere in that last sentence can you find “hammer to the head”. We cut to a LIVE LIVE LIVE shot of The Rock’s door.

TONIGHT: Undertaker in a handicap match with Maven and Al Snow! Lita taking on Stacy! The same shit, fed to us over and over until we puke!

THE ROCK is back! Again! Praise Allah. “The Rock is a lot of things…but above all else, the Rock is human. The Rock made mistakes…I made…a mistake. You see, three weeks ago, when Vince McMahon announced the N-Double-Yo is coming to the WWF, I was excited. I was thinking of one thing – one thing only. The Rock, Hogan, Wrestlemania.A match-up to determine who will go down as the best – as being the absolute best ever. But it was that moment, that I made a mistake. Because I was so obsessed with what Hulk Hogan was, that I forgot what Hulk Hogan is: a jaded, self-centered, bitter son of a bitch.” BOOYA! This, of course, brings out the trio. Hogan cuts a half-comatose promo and we somehow end up with Rock versus Scott Hall tonight. MAKES SENSE TO ME!

The Lugz Boot of the Week is Maven being kicked by Goldust, then The Undertaker.

MAVEN and AL SNOW versus THE UNDERTAKER

‘Taker and Snow to start – ‘Taker going to work in the corner. Snow’s back with some kicks and a DDT. Cover gets 2, then Snow unloads some rights. He’s off the ropes – and into ‘Taker’s boot. Maven breaks up a cover, then unleashes THE PERFECTLY EXECUTED DROPKICK. UT explodes out of the corner with a clothesline for Snow, then the same for Maven. Into the corner for some knees and shots to the ribs, then the Snake Eyes and a BIG BOOT. Snow breaks up the cover, then gets tossed out of the ring and sent into the steel steps. Back in, Maven eats a chokeslam and receives the forearm grind to the face. Could it be? THE DRAGON SLEEPER? YES! Over and out at 3:16. THUMBS DOWN and they didn’t even make it interesting.’Taker grabs the mic and makes the Wrestlemania match official, as long as Flair comes down the ring and begs for it. Instead, Flair shows up and gets tangled in some wires, “accidentally” hitting a plant in the front row. Again, a segment with good intentions coming off flatter than Stacy Keibler.

Moments Ago: The cavalcade of stupidity continues.

UNDISPUTED CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO versus KANE: Non-Title

Jericho is out in the old-school ring attire, just when you thought Jericho couldn’t be any fruitier. It’s times like this that I’m really bitter about the “smarks” on the net pushing for Jericho to become champion. Because it’s wrought such SPECTACULAR television. We get highlights of last Monday’s insidious cage match. Kane with some rights to start – into a double choke and a slam. Jericho to the top – but he’s distracted by Stephanie and gets slammed. Uppercut from Kane, then Jericho flees. See every single one of Jericho’s matches against Kane for reference. Kane catches Jericho and takes him back in via suplex. To the top for the flying clothesline, but Jericho catches him on the way down with a dropkick. Dropkick to the head, then some assorted stomping. Jericho off the ropes and into some sort of sidewalk slam variation, then Kane hits a clothesline and a charging clothesline into the corner. Whip into the opposite corner – Jericho gets the boots up – running into a choke. KURT ANGLE’s in with the botched Angleslam as Stephanie distracts the ref. Lionsault puts it away at 2:50. THUMBS DOWN. Has anything NOT been fucked up on this show? Angle and Kane brawl to the back, then Triple H shows up to toss Jericho out of the ring and threaten the pedrigree on Stephanie. Jericho saves her, then H hoists the two title belts up. Both guys make the “belt gesture” at their waist and do some yelling.

We get a recap of the WWF tour of Asia. Why admit that Jericho was actually in Japan when he was supposedly lost in Stamford on Monday? Are we idiots?

Backstage, Ric Flair is arrested for assaulting the fan. In a DRAMATIC bit of storytelling, Flair has his rights read to him while he seethes and The Undertaker chortles.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle does to Kane what Chris Benoit did to Jericho about a year ago: he drops the STEEEEEEL door on Kane in the parking lot. Just to completely copy the original segment, Angle nails the chairshot to the head. The funny thing is that this match has the most Scott Keith-Asterisk potential on the entire card thus far. Think about that for just a second.

Moments Ago: what we saw moments ago.

STACY KEIBLER versus LITA

This “match” is actually a showcase of Stacy’s new music. Yeah, it’s okay. Yeah, Stacy has a great pair of legs. Stacy kicks Lita three times, then Lita wins it with a fuckin’ belly-to-back powerbomb variation at 0:42. THUMBS DOWN. Lillian Garcia’s out with the premature victory interview, and that spells trouble. Stacy draws Lita back into the ring and eats a Twist of Fate and a moonsault. Cue JAZZ and a NASTY DDT. Check that…Lita and Jazz are showing way more potential than Kane and Angle.

Backstage, Triple H reveals Stephanie’s Corvette: IT’S BEEN CUT IN HALF. GET IT? LIKE HALF AND HALF….50/50…LMAOOOOOO

Of course, the logical next step is a dog that’s been mutilated. This could be Rob Black’s big break. Better get Jay Bower on the case! Go Bower Go! And when he’s done saving Triple H’s poochie, I’m sure he’s got plenty of College Hijinx stories to tell us. Man, I love those “slice of life” columns! More like slice of get a life.

SCOTT HALL versus THE ROCK

Hall has done us the favor of wearing proper ring attire tonight, complete with KLIQ on the back of his tights. SWERVE! SWERVE! Rock’s side is bandaged up because that’s what happens when someone tries to kill you with a big fucking truck. Fuck you, WWF. Rock EXPLODES into the ring with some rights, then hits the flying clothesline. BIG TIME DDT, then a cover for 2. Hall’s up with the poke to the eyes, then a lariat for 2. Rock does a FLIPAROONIE and it’s SPINE ON THE PINE ALL THE TIME! SHARPSHOOTER! There is no way I can communicate my excitement to you right now. Hogan’s on the apron, so Rock P.I. breaks the hold and investigates. Hall, having fully recovered, goes to work on the general area that seems to be injured. Rocky fights back but gets pulled out to the outside 2 on 1. Back in, Rock barely kicks out of a cover, then gets stomped on like it’s a 1996 episode of RAW. Rocky off the ropes – into a fallaway slam. Cover for 2. Hall says, “IT’S OVA, ROCK!”, then tries the Outsider’s Edge but gets suplexed. They slo-owly recover, then it’s The Rock going PSYCHO and nailing ROCK BOTTOM. Cue interference at roughly 3:55. Rock unloads on Kevin Nash, who is a big piece of shit and gets tangled in the ropes because he CAN’T EVEN FLIP OUT OF THE RING. Rock and Hogan do the staredown, then it’s a 3 on 1 and THE ROCK IS HELPLESS. BREAKING GLASS! STEVE AUSTIN rushes the ring and cleans house, including THE WORST CHAIRSHOT IN HISTORY on Kevin Nash. One guess as to whose fault that was. VINCE McMAHON is out to set up a 3 on 2 Handicap Match for RAW, and Michael Cole wonders if it’s a set-up. So ends the shittiest piece of shit I’ve ever shitted.

You don’t need me to tell you this was a THUMBS DOWN show. I have nothing else to add.

E-MAIL EITAN
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Eitan, sometimes known as sayeitan, is a veteran of websites such as xwrestling, lethalwrestling and wrestleline. He counts among his influences Gene Simmons, Lucio Fulci and Tie Domi.

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