by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

DAG, YO. The Immolator here. Whazzup?

Let’s get right to business. Immo’s on a cleansing juice fast and he’s feeling a bit light-headed today.

Pyro! Loud and flashy! We’re taped! from the FUC in Philly. Your hosts, still, are the fawning MICHAEL COLE and the lascivious JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER. Big 6-man schmozz to-nite: Rock/Hogan/Kane v. the nWo. Lawler says this is the final night all the WWF stars will be under one roof. Except Heat. And Jakked. And Metal. And when they wuss out on the angle.

Can U Dig It? BOOKER T (w/out PWEI) is in the hizzouse. Contemplate the left palm, and raise the roof!  Let’s Take You Back to RAW where Christian gives DDP the Unprettier and Booker delivers the Ask Kick.

It’s he, it’s he, it’s DDP, and he’s got a new entrance video. Whoo-hoo. T gets the early advantage and works over DDP in the corner. T turns to admonish referee JACK DOAN for being officious, so DDP does his pull-himself-up-out-of-the-corner thing and turns the tables. Irish, T ducks the clothesline, Harlem Sidekick on the rebound. Two count only. T resumes the offence. Irish into a sleeperhold… but DDP counters with a jawbreaker. DDP with a series of punches and a discus clothesline. Irish, reversed by T using the arm wringer into an immediate knee to the gut. DDP doubles over… but nails a boot to the gut when T moves in for the axe kick. Power bomb! Two count only. The “draft ticker” shows us who will be on SmackDown! Vince didn’t pick Omar Atlas? Whuzzupwitdat? DDP with the Irish, T again with the arm wringer reversal and a side kick. Now T with the Irish to the corner, but DDP reverses and hits the Cubic Zirconium Cutter! T has just enough energy to roll under the bottom ropes. Meanwhile, in comes BROCK LESNAR to squash DDP like a bug. He picks him up… and he throws him down! PAUL HEYMAN is on the scene, for some reason wearing a Yankees cap. Lesnar TKO! The ref failed to call for the ring bell, so we’ll make it (DQ 2:30) as Heyman raises Lesnar’s beefy arm in victory. Let’s take another look, in case you weren’t already impressed enough. End of segment.

Mmm… bilberry tea extract.

When we come back, it’s Mr. Yousuck himself, KURT ANGLE coming to the ring to give us a piece of his mind. Let’s listen…

KA:  “You know, considering I risked my life wrestling in the Olympics with a broken freakin’ neck for you people, the least you could do is show a little appreciation. And you know what? YOU SUCK, TOO! [BOO!] You people are pathetic! [WHAT?!] Almost as pathetic as what happened last Monday night on RAW, when Stephanie McMahon was forced to leave the WWF. [YAY!] Oh, you people like that? Why don’tcha have a little compassion? I thought this was supposed to be The City of Brotherly Love. [WHAT?!] You know, Stephanie was like a bright, blossoming flower. [WHAT?!] And she brought joy and happiness to millions of people every day. [WHAT?!] And I will NOT let Stephanie’s leaving go unrecognized. [WHAT!] So what I would like to do right now… is take a moment of silence [WHAT?!] so that we ALL can show our appreciation [BOO!] for the MANY wonderful memories that Stephanie provided us with. And I want you all to show the respect that Stephanie deserves… starting now.”

The house lights dim and a still of a sad and doe-eyed STEPHANIE graces the FistTron. The crowd is not impressed. Sort of like back in ’93 when Joe Carter went deep off Mitch Williams, and they ran him out of town on a rail. Oh, it’s true. 

KA [increasingly livid]:  “You JERKS! Stephanie, if you’re watching this, do not listen to these people! They are not your true fans! I’ll tell you right now, you people show the respect that Stephanie deserves, or I’ll BEAT the respect out of each and every one of you! [BOO!] That’s IT! It’s Go Time!”

Kurt heads out of the ring to see which one of the 16,500-plus at the FUC he’s going to start with. However, the angelic harp strains of VINCE MCMAHON’s theme music intercede. He’s very tan today.

VKM:  “I’ve had enough of this. First of all [BOO!] When you desecrate my daughter's name, that means you desecrate my name. Quite frankly, my name is worth a helluva lot more than all of your names combined. [BOO!] As a matter of fact, this entire fiasco wouldn't have happened if it hadn’t had been for one individual whose name is Triple H. [YAY!] What a model citizen Triple H is, huh? First of all, he seduces my innocent daughter Stephanie. Then he marries her, then he publicly humiliates and embarrasses her, and then, last Monday on RAW, he beat her up. [YAY!]  Model citizen… Triple H, you're a real son of a b(bleep)! [BOO!]  I admit… I admit my daughter wasn't always ideal, but she was as close as ideal as a father could possibly have. And every selfish, defenceless… every selfish act, every rotten act that she ever committed, I blame one person, and that's Triple H. Because that's the kind of human being Triple H is. [A-HOLE! A_HOLE!] Quite frankly, in a way, I'm almost happy that Triple H is the WWF champion, because that means not only will he be on RAW, he'll be on MY show, SmackDown! And believe me, just as Triple H made my daughter Stephanie’s life a living hell, that's exactly what I will do to Triple H. Oh, it's true. It's damned true!”

Looks like the Penn State chant hasn’t caught on. Rebuttal time… it’s HHH himself at the top of the ramp. Big pop! Hey, he just littered! He didn’t dispose of his water bottle in a designated FUC receptacle!

HHH:  “Is that what you think, Vince? You think that I'muh, a bad influence? You think that I'm selfish, that I'm rotten? That I'm horrible? That I'm a son of a b(bleep)? Well, let me set you straight. You ain't seen nothing yet!  [YAY!] And I tell you what, Vince, if you screw with me, I promise you, I will make YOUR life a living hell. [YAY!] And, I'll tell you what. Since you miss your precious daughter so much, I say, what the hell, Vince, maybe Kurt’s right. Maybe we should honour Steph. [BOO!] Oh no, she deserves it. Let's honour the last few remaining moments of Stephanie McMahon in the World Wrestling Federation.”

With that, it’s back to the FistTron last Monday and the Spine on the Pine puuting away Steph. Lawler object’s to HHH putting his foot on Stephanie’s beautiful chest.

KA [irate]:  “That's it! I've had it! I want a match with that big ape tonight! I won’t even care if the title’s on the line. I want a match with him, Vince! I want to show him some manners! C’mon, Vince, I'm begging you! PLEASE give me a match with that son of a b(bleep)!”

VKM:  “Hold on, Kurt. Under normal circumstances I'd be happy to oblige but, quite frankly, I think I want some of that rotten ingrate myself.”

HHH:  “Let me get this straight. The two of you want a shot at me? I don't care. Either one of you. Vince, Angle, it doesn't matter to me, as far as I'm concerned, game on.”

VKM:  “Well, you know, as a matter of fact, it ain’t gonna be like that. The game is going to be on but it's going to be you against Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon in a handicap match tonight.”

WOOO! Methinks RIC FLAIR himself has a few words to say in this never-ending mic-fest. Gi-normous pop!

RF:  “Hey, McMahon! Hey, Vince McMahon! Did I hear you making the rules again? Tonight, I'm still 50% with you, like it or not. And, it's not going to be a handicap match. Triple H, the world champion, is going to have a partner tonight. [YAY!] And, Triple H, since this is my last SmackDown!… [YAY!] [dancing] And we are in Philadelphia, WOOO! [takes off jacket] When I was the world champion, I used to party here all night long. [YAY!] And I think tonight it should be Triple H, WOOO! And the Naitcha Boy! Side by side! [YAY!] [to HHH] Do me one favour. I promise I will put everything I have, into being right beside you. You keep Angle off me… so I can kick that son of a b(bleep)’s a(bleep)! [pointing at Vinnie] You! You! WOOO! You! You! [dancing] WOOO! You! WOOO! WOOO!

Flair and HHH exchange pleasantries at the top of the ramp while Vince nods evilly at Angle. End of segment.

If HHH is a big Flair fan, is it kosher to write him into a tag match with his idol? Hmm… ow, thinking makes my head hurt. I need more grapeseed and B6.

I was there… when Duane Gill and Barry Hardy won a dark match. I was there… And your Playstation 2 Shock of the Week: The draft was announced. Truly, I was shocked. Whatever. Hey, I was there… when Hacksaw Duggan beat Ted DiBiase.

Well, lookie here. In the dressing room, it’s D-VON DUDLEY and his half brother BUH BUH RAY. Testify, D-Von.

DVD:  “Hey, Buh Buh…you ready man? Because tonight, it all comes down to this match.

BBRD:  “Mm-hmm.”

DVD:  “If we beat Billy and Chuck tonight, not only do we become WWF tag team champions, but we also stay together as a tag team. But if we don't, then you go your way with your career, and I go mine. This could be the last tag team match of the Dudley Boyz.”

BBRD:  “You know what, D-Von? You’re right. So I say we go out there and make history just one last time. Hey, it's been a hell of a run...”

DVD:  “Oh, yeah.”

BBRD:  “… But if that run has to end? What better place than in this city right here,  the city that the Dudley Boyz were born in. The City of Brotherly Love, our backyard, our stomping grounds.”

DVD:  “Oh, yeah.”

BBRD:  “Good old hardcore Philadelphia!” [YAY!]

DVD:  “Awww, yeah!”

BBRD:  “We’ve been WCW tag team champions, we’ve been eight-time ECW tag team champions, six-time WWF tag team champions, and nobody, remember this, nobody can ever take that away from us. So I say we go out there tonight, and we take Billy and Chuck to the Extreme.”

DVD:  “Oh, my brother, it is time to testify!”

Buh Buh Ray gives D-Von a knowing look as the music of BILLY AND CHUCK plays in the background. That knowing look probably being how Bubba’s career is going to skyrocket while D-Von appears on Metal once in a while.

# YOUuuuuuuuloooooooksoooooooo… goodtomeeeeee. # Billy and Chuck are wearing their red motif with white bathrobes. Wasn’t RICO supposed to give them a total makeover last week? Or was he just referring to his ridiculous sideburns? Sign in the crowd: “CHUCK-A-MANIA.”

Welcome to Dudleyville. Cole calls them “arguably, the greatest tag team of all time.” Sheesh. It’s already been established that Ventura/Piper was the greatest. I’d rate Hulk/Mean Gene a close second.

Let’s get it on. Chuck and Bubba start out. Note how I slide seamlessly from Buh Buh to Bubba, almost as if I were lazy. Chuck with heel offence in the corner. Much like earlier, he admonishes the ref (could be one of Hebner’s kids, not sure) and the face takes over. Irish by Bubba. Dropkick (!) and a cover for two. Tag to D-Von. Double shouldertackle. Cover by D-Von for two. Rake of the eyes by Chuck, and he tags in Billy. Biiiig hiptoss by D-Von. Flying shouldertackle. And a punch to Chuck on the apron for good measure. Billy tries a clothesline, but D-Von ducks and Slips behind for the standing neckbreaker. Cover for two. D-Von charges off the ropes at Billy, who tries a running clothesline, but D-Von ducks… and they meet in the centre of the ring with some kind of double-knockout spot. Not sure what that was supposed to be. Bubba is screaming for the hot tag. Both sides tag. Bubba floors Chuck with a clothesline. And another. Irish, back body drop. Billy come in, but gets a boot to the gut and a suplex. DDT to Chuck. Cover, two count only. Samoan Drop on Billy, and Bubba stays on top… for some reason, the ref is counting the cover on the wrong man. Hel-LO?!  Chuck tries to make the save, but elbowdrops his partner in the process. Rico is displeased. Bubba Bomb on Chuck. But Billy breaks up the cover. Billy tries to whip Bubba to the far corner, but bubba reverses and Billy connects with Chuck instead. D-Von is in… flapjack on Billy! Bubba clotheslines Billy over the top. Now D-Von is going upstairs… but Rico is hanging onto the leg, allowing Chuck to move in with some punches and a superplex attempt. But wait! Bubba comes in and hoists Chuck up on his shoulders… DUDLEY DEVICE!  Bubba covers! But Rico is on the apron distracting the ref. He’s EVIL!  D-Von charges at Rico, who screams in fear and bails while D-Von chases him up the ramp and out of sight. That’s not good. FAMEASSER! Cover, and thanks for visiting Dudleyville. (3:57) Billy and Chuck keep the straps. “NO! Not this way, dammit, not this way!” exhorts Cole. Yes, this way.

Hmmm… looks like a heelish post-match beatdown. Billy works over Bubba in the corner. Lawler starts the “Na na” song. Forsooth! It’s D-Von to make the save. Chuck is pasting D-Von, while Billy stays on Bubba… but the tide turns! The Duds with lefts and rights! Bubba dumps Billy over the top rope. The crowd senses it… calls it… 3-D on Chuck! Aw, yeah. Chuck rolls out and Billy comes in for a sneak attack… nope, Billy gets bodyslammed. Bubba motions for… could it be… YES!

BBRD:  “WHAZZZUUUUUUUUUUP?!”

DVD:   “WHAZZZUUUUUUP?!”

Wassup Drop ensues. Now… Dance, M.F., Dance!

BBRD:  “D-VON!”

The camera stays on Bubba as he puts on his evil Bubba face and the crowd goes berserk.

BBRD:  “GET THE TABLES!!!”

Ah, that sweet sound. D-Von gets the wood while the crowd chants “E-C-Dub!” 3-D on Billy through the table! Play their music! Bubba looks like he’s about to cry. Been a long time since the days of Mongo. No, not that Mongo. Nor the one from “Blazing Saddles.” Anyway, the half-brothers embrace to a big pop. End of segment.

C’mon, you remember Mongo. Don’t tell me you don’t have a copy of “Extreme Warfare Vol. 2”? EVERYBODY has a copy of “Extreme Warfare Vol. 2.” I’m swooning just thinking about it. Quick, more biotin, before I pass out.

“Come in We’re OPEN,” says the sign on the door. It’s the APA door. Somehow, the camera operator is allowed to walk around the door without getting an ass-whuppin’. Inside, FAAROOQ & BRADSHAW are… check this out… playing cards and drinking beer! What, you knew that? Oh.

F:  “Hey, man, [something unintelligible under the crowd noise].”

B:  “[mutters in response] And all this time we been together. Training together, we’ve rode together, we fall together…

F:  “Yeah, like that time up in Red Deer, when those guys be kickin’ our asses… [they laugh] You had my back, I had yours.”

B:  “Like always. Never had a better friend.”

F:  “Comes down to what?  A lottery, bra.”

B:  “Names out of a hat, ‘cos McMahon and Flair cain’t get along. Now you go to SmackDown! and I go to RAW. All because of this. The APA is gonna close, all because of this.”

F:  “Hey, but’choo know what, man? It will always be here, bra.” [points at heart]

B:  “Me too, my friend.”

F:  “Always. Like a brother, man.”

B:  “Y’know, we came in drinking beer … we got one hour left.”

F:  “No other way to go out.”

B:  “Hell, no. Last call.”

F:  “[mumbling] bra.”

B [toward off camera]:  “Hey, Tajiri! Tajiri, c’mere!  Come here. Come here! , Tajiri! Tajiri, c’mere!”

F:  “Who is it? Tajiri? Hey, hey, hey, come right through, come on over.”

Entering the APA offices are TAJIRI and, zoicks!, TORRIE WILSON. She is wearing white today. And yes, it is a nice day. Red Deer?!

 B:  “Yeah, we got a big party. A big… [to Torrie} Does he speak English?”

Torrie nods while Tajiri rattles off something almost as unintelligible as Faarooq.

F:  “Hey, it doesn’t matter, man, just point.”

B:  “Go, go tell everybody. Beer! Beer! Much beer for everybody. Everybody! APA, last party.”

Tajiri grabs a Bud from the table and starts to head out with Torrie to spread the good word.

B:  “Whoa! Wait! Hey, she needs to stay! She’s gonna stay here and play nekkid… um, play cards! Okay, don’t worry about her. We'll take care of her. You go on.”

F:  “Hey! Hey! Take your time, too.”

TW:  “But… I’m sorry… I…”

F:  “Sit down, honey, sit down.”

B:  “You know cards?”

TW:  “No.”

B:  “Okay! That’s perfect! We play this neat game called strip poker. You know, like, you lose, you take off an article of clothing, you know, like panties.”

F:  “Whoa, whoa, man, deal her the cards… [mumbles]”

B:  “You don’t mind, do you?”

TW:  “No, not at all.”

A lovely game of cards begins… but clearly it’s time to move on to our next bit. Presenting… an interview with lovely LITA. Oh, and MATT HARDY. Sure, go ahead and yak it up, Team Xtreme. I got nothin’ better to do. LILIAN GARCIA is your interviewer.

LG:  “Lita, congratulations for being drafted last Monday night. And Matt, congratulations for ending up on the show with Lita.

L:  “Y’know, Lilian, in the [Hyundai? Home pie?] it was so crazy, everyone was on the edge of their seats. And then, to be the first draft pick, it was a relief. It felt great. But I think, y’know, am I gonna be with Matt, is Team Xtreme gonna be together, will we be together? It was a crazy situation.”

MH:  “Y’know, last week by far was the toughest week of my life. It's a terrible thing not to know where your future lies. But it is good to know that our fate is in our hands once again, and that myself, Lita and Jeff, are all together, and Team Xtreme is once again a unit in the WWF.”

Huh huh huh. He said “unit.” Speaking of fate, here comes CHRIS JERICHO. I think Mr. Pouty has something to say.

CJ:  “What are you two so happy about? Who cares, anyways! You're making me sick! This is all about me. Don't you get it? It's all about me. Congratulations for being on RAW. I'm on SmackDown! and I'm absolutely livid. Why? Because I should still be the undisputed champion and I should be on both shows. Do you realize that since WrestleMania, the only rematch I’ve received for the undisputed championship is against Triple H and Stephanie?! What kind of a rematch is that! I am a larger than life living legend, dammit! And until I have that undisputed championship around my gorgeous waist, I will never be happy for anything ever again!”

MH:  “You know what? I can sympathize with you, Chris Jericho. I understand why you're unhappy. Nobody… wants to be a HAS-BEEN.”

Uh-oh. Jericho chews the words a few times in his mouth while a smug Matt and Lita leave. I don’t think Jericho likes the taste. So he clocks Matt with a forearm to the back. That sends both him and Lita tumbling into some backstage paraphernalia.

CJ:  “How about that! I am not a has-been!”

Lita seems to have wrenched her knee. Matt throws off his jacket in disgust.

You know what? I love interviews. Let’s have a triple scoop of backstage mic time! Here’s HULK HOGAN in the dressing room. Enter THE ROCK.

TR:  “Wassup?”

HH:  “What’s up, my brother?” [soul handshake]

TR:  “What's up, man? Tonight’s the night. The very last night. You and The Rock have a shot at the nWo. We were drafted on SmackDown!, they were drafted on RAW. Tonight’s the very lasty night we have a shot to whup their candy asses. One, two, three.”

HH:  “You know, brother, I want these guys just as bad as you do. But it's not just you and me tonight. We've got a partner. Kane. Now, I've been in the ring with a lot of big, scary dudes you got here, but this guy, he’s scarier than all the rest. I mean, he scares the hell out of me. Do you think we can trust this guy?”

TR:  “ You know what? I completely know where you're coming from, You've been in the ring with a lot of scary cats, I’ve been in the ring with a lot of scary cats, and, yeah, this cat is scary. He’s big, he’s scary. Hey, hey, he ain't King Kong Bundy walking around here. You remember Bundy… (F)IeeeeVE! (F)IeeeeVE! Not Bundy. Hey, Kamala! Remember Kamala, rubbing his belly? AIIIEEEGAIEEGAAIIEE! Ain’t Kamala! But he is one big scary cat and he is one Big Red Ass-kicking Machine. He's got no love… oh, here he comes now.”

KANE? What Kane? Oh, here he comes now. Big pop! Rocky measures him up for a second and turns to Hogan.

TR:  “He’s scary. But he ain't scared. Watch this…”

The mugging Maivia measures up Kane again and feints at him. Kane does not flinch. Rocky smiles.

TR:  “I want to ask you something. You ready to go out there and whup some ass? You ready to whup candy ass?”

K:  “Oh, I'm ready. Are you ready?”

TR:  “Oh, you bet your ass I…”

K:  “IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU’RE READY!!! [Hyooge crowd pop!] Because tonight, The Rock and Kane team up with Hulk Hogan. And you know something, brothers? Whether its the millions [AND MILLIONS!] and millions of The Rock's fans… or 20,000 Hulkamaniacs or 20,000 screaming Kane-anites… the question is, brothers, what’cha gonna do? Scott Hall! Kevin Nash! X-Pac!  What’cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan and The Rock and the Big Red Machine RUN WILD ON YOUUUUUUUU?!!! -- What’cha gonna do?!

Kane strikes some familiar poses and cups his ear for all the Kane-anites while I pick my spleen up from off the floor.

K:  “I’ll see you guys out there.”

Rock and Hogan exchange quizzical looks. End of segment.

Well. Now all we need is The Showster and The Funkster and we can have a revue.

Speaking of Show, he makes a brief appearance this week in your Stacker 2 ad for the Burn of the Night. The night? Whatever. Last Monday, our hero Kane bails out Rocky and Hogan from the EVIL! and poisonous nWo. Hey, that actually makes sense. Kane… burn of the night. Now, imagine that feeling in your gut after you’ve ingested some Stacker 2! Ewww…

God bless the wah-wah pedal. Hulk Hogan (Slight Return) appears, wearing his entire collection of black and white feather boas. Sooperdooper pops of Brobdingnagian proportions! Just announced during the break: Matt Hardy v. Jericho, later tonight.

KA-BOOM! The Kane-anites are on their feet! And, last but perhaps not least, The Rock. He’s still giving Kane funny looks. Heh heh. This week’s show brought to you by CIGARETTES! Smoke ‘em! Unless you consider yourself a “teen.” And Sucker 2! And, possibly the worst of the three for your health, Hungry-Man dinners!

Uh-oh… just thiking about Swansons is making me see funny. Everything’s all black-and-white and fuzzy and stuff. Oh, silly me, it’s the nWo. Those crazy, poisonous cats. The ones that Ric Flair begged McMahon not to bring back, and subsequently drafted. X-Pac has the nunchaku.

Yay, a wrestling match! Sort of. And it’s at the end of Hour One. Clever. Rock and X-Pac start. Collar-and elbow, and Rock cinches in the side headlock. X-Pac pushes Rock off into the ropes, and Rock connects with a shoulderblock on the rebound. Rocky off the far ropes, leaps over X-Pac’s prone body, on the rebound, X-Pac leapfrogs over Rocky. X-Pac charges… straight into a deep armdrag. And another. Rock with the armbar. Into an arm wringer… X-Pac punches his way out. Off the ropes… and into that belly-to-belly toss. Two count only from… I think it’s MIKE CHIODA. Whom I sometimes mix up with Tony Chimel for no good reason. X-Pac tags out to Scott Hall. Hall tosses his toothpick at Rock and finds it hilarious. Not so The Rock. Hw throws Hall into the corner, punches him a few times, mocks the airplane thingy, and hits him with the Fistful o’ Spit. Clothesline. Cover… one count only. Irish by Rock, reversed, Hall with a clothesline attempt, ducked, Rock goes for the cross body, and gets caught by Hall. Fallaway Slam. Two count. Hall tags in Nash. Immediately, Nash puts Rock in the corner and applies that vaunted Test-like offence. He’s framing it! Crotch chop… and Rocky decks him. But Nash quickly with a knee lift and a tag to Hall. Hall gets a host in. Rocky retaliates. They exchange blows, but EVIL! Scott Hall thumbs Rock in the eye. Irish, reversed by Rock… spinebuster! Both men down! Time for a hot tag… to Hogan! Rights to Hall, X-Pac and Nash as they enter the ring. Double clothesline by Hulk on Hall and X-Pac. Hogan dumps X-Pac over the top rope. Irish on Hall… Boot to the face (chest)! It could be… LEGDROP OF DOOM! The cover! Ah, Nash makes the save with the elbowdrop. Hall tags in Nash. Side slam for a two count. Now X-Pac tags in. Chops, kicks, spinning kick. Hall tags in. Irish… Sleeper on Hogan! Yes, OLD SCHOOL, brothers and sisters. The arm drops once… twice… thr… NO! Hogan is alive… he; Hulking up! Elbows to the gut break the hold. Back suplex! But he’s spent. Both men are down. Time for another hot tag… to tonight’s first star, Kane! Kane is up on the top already! Flying clothesline on Hall! Tilt-a-whirl suplex on X-Pac! Big uppercut to Nash knocks him off the apron. Irish on Hall… side slam. Nash in with a clothesline, but Kane ducks… Boot to the Head! (na, na) Kane clotheslines X-Pac over the top rope! He’s a house afire! Nash finally gets in a boot to the noggin, but Rocky is in to lay waste to Nash. Hall tags in X-Pac. Kane is slumped in the corner… that can mean only one thing… STINKFACE! No, wait, that wasn’t it. Oh, yeah. BRONCO BUSTER! But Kane grabs X-Pac by the throat before he can start busting. CHOKESLAM! Hogan tattoos Hall while the ref counts to three. (6:37) The faces win! Play Kane’s music! Hit his pyro! The crowd goes home happy. Waitaminnit… the show’s only half over. Still to come: Angle and Vinnie Mac v. Master and Servant!

Hang in there, folks. Only one more hour of SmackDown! to go. You can do it. Here, have some green tea extract. It’s good for you.

Hour Two begins with Chris Jericho’s entrance. Looks strange without the belts. For those with poor short-term memory, we look back at what happened to prompt this match. Sell the “has-been” angle! Matt and Lita appear at the top of the ramp, wearing white jackets that are nice and shiny under the black light. Matt slides into the ring and punches are flying left and right. Matt gets the early advantage. Irish, reversed, collar clothesline by Matt. Shades of Randy Savage from the first WWF Superstars arcade game!  Matt wails on Jericho’s back. The draft ticker shows us who’s on RAW. For now. Irish by Matt, reversed, Matt ducks the clothesline, Jericho goes for a dropkick, but lands flat on his back as Matt grabs both legs. Slingshot into the corner. Immo hates that move, BTW, it’s ridiculous. Bodyslam by Matt, who goes up to the second rope. Legdrop! Cover, but two only from the referee, whoever he is. When are they going to put referee pages on the website? Sheesh. Irish by Matt, reversed into the corner, Jericho CHARGES… and eats a boot. Matt to the top… but Jericho crotches him. Tree of Woe! The ref admonishes Jericho, and then turns his attention to Matt… allowing Lita to swoop in with the top-rope hurricanrana. Sit-out uranage! One! Two! No! Jericho kicks out. Irish by Matt, reversed again, Matt with the sunset flip, but Jericho rolls through and grabs both Matt’s legs. Matt is blocking the Walls, though, and Lita is on the apron to distract the ref. Matt manages to push Jericho off… directly into Lita, who hits the deck hard. Boot to the gut by Matt… HUHHHHHH! Front facelock, but Jericho nails him in the pills before he can finish the Twist of Fate. The ref was tending to Lita, you see. Walls of Jericho, Matt taps like Gregory Hines. (2:13) Short, but effective. Plus, you can see Lita’s BOSS shoulder tattoo. Hey, Jericho’s not done. He kicks Matt out of the ring, then walks around, thinks about it briefly, and locks the Walls on Lita. “Who’s a has-been?!” yells Jericho.

Well, I guess that makes a good segue, because gathered together backstage at the APA party are the likes of Tajiri, Torrie, BOOKER T, TRISH STRATUS, SHO FUNAKI, JACQUELINE, THE BIG VALBOWSKI, THE HURRICANE, THE GODFATHER, SPIKE DUDLEY and CHRISTIAN. Hilarity is bound to ensue.

B:  “Hey, remember that time The Godfather and Val Venis jumped into that nude bar? [pointing at GF] Hey, is that a real cigar?”

F:  “Lookit the ol’ Hero back there, man! And Booker T, yo. FIVE TIMES!”

[T does his palm stare and shakes his head, with a big smile on his face. They’re gonna turn him, darn it!]

C:  “Speaking of jumping, remember that time we jumped you guys getting’ the… um… “

[Christian gets the massive staredown from everyone around the table.]

F:  “Man, what you got?”

[Tajiri lays down his cards and appears pleased and dumbfounded at the same time.]

F:  “Hey! Tajiri won!”

[Bradshaw is pounding his hand on the table like a jackrabbit because this means Torrie has to take off an article of clothing.]

B:  “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Take it off! Take it off!”

[Torrie gets up and seductively removes… her waist chain. Rats! Everyone is bummed out. Especially Christian, who throws down his cards.]

C:  “One card away from a royal flush!”

[Ah yes. It’s petualant frenzy time! He’s petulant, and he’s in a frenzy!]

C:  “Dammitdammitdammitdammit! I never win! Dammitdammitdammit… one card away!”

[Bradshaw looks dejectedly at the waist chain while Faarooq stares down Christian again.]

B:  “I thought she was gonna take off her panties or somethin’…”

F:  “DAMN! What’s wrong with this foo’?”

Ho HO! I’m gonna miss these guys and their witty repartee. End of segment.

So. What was the point of the draft again? To screw up an already-weak tag division? Or will each brand import some established teams? Yeah! Where’s Kid Romeo and Elix Skipper? Are they still the Cruiserweight tag champs? Or was that Rey Rey and Kidman? Oy, my head hurts. Tomorrow: I eat Manhattan.

Our intrepid commentators shill the Angle/Vinnie v. Flair/HHH match. It’s the main event, don’t’cha know. But first… from eight miles above Battle Creek, Michigan, ROB VAN DAM. He started to point to himself while Tony Chimel was saying ‘The Intercontinental champion.” Hee hee. His opponent, apparently from Parts Unknown, TEST. A little consistency with the announcements, please. EARL HEBNER is your referee. Sign in the crowd: ‘TEST RULES.” Hey, a first time for everything.

Lock and load. Test charges and lays in a knee and some punches. Irish to the corner, eats a back elbow. RVD quickly to the top… Cross body, but Test catches him and hoists him onto his shoulder like a big bag of… um, rice. Going for Snake Eyes, but RVD slips off and shoves him into the corner. Savate kick to the chin! Cover, two count. RVD fires away. Test with a clothesline attempt, ducked by RVD, who goes for a sidekick… caught by Test. Again with the shoulder hoist, but this time he drapes RVD’s neck over the top rope. Suplex using the right arm for the facelock. RVD flips over, though, and dropkicks Test in the knees. RVD takes over. Springboard mule kick. Backflip press! Two count only. Lawler wonders which brand has the best puppies. Irish by RVD, arm wringer reversal, Test goes for a boot, RVD catches it, goes for the step-over roundhouse… but Test ducks. He must have studied the videotape, that clever sod. Full nelson slam! Test spins RVD around so he can pin him with his feet on the ropes. Hebner saw it. Test is livid, somewhat. He shoves Hebner, but Hebner shoves back, and Test walks right into a sidekick. Two count only. RVD with shoulderblocks in the corner… backflips, and charges… Test moves out of the way, but RVD jumps on the second rope and hits a reverse sunset flip. Test manages to grab the top rope… but Hebner kicks Test’s hands off the rope and starts counting! One! Two! No! Test kicks out. Now he’s REALLY P.O.ed. Clothesline on RVD. He eyes Hebner… he moves in for the kill… but RVD grabs kis cocked fist from behind. Kick to the gut, Forearm, Irish, arm wringer reversal, going for a power slam… but RVD goes all the way over the top with a sunset flip. Here’s Hebner with the count… and it’s a quick count! Onetwothree ring the bell! (2:36) You screwed Test! You screwed Test! Hebner bails while Test burns. Sign in the crowd: NASCAR IS FAKE. I love Philly. End of segment.

Speaking of getting screwed, I lost $5 on the Flyers in 1980. Didn’t think the team that went 35 games undefeated would fall to anybody, let alone the Islanders. But the Flyers got screwed in Game Six. Now I hate both teams. I also wanted Ron Jaworski and the Eagles over Jim Plunkett and the Raiders. AND I wanted the Wheeze Kids to beat the Orioles. Dammitdammitdammitdammit! Thank God Philly gave us ECW.

Time for the Whack of the Night, brought to you by CIGARETTES! Hell, kids around here don’t smoke cigarettes, anyway. They smoke WEED. Vince chooses Maven in the draft. WHACK!

Well,well. Perched atop a hockey net in the back, it’s RAVEN and his interesting dreads and his Jon Anderson eye makeup. No, not the country singer, you buffoon. JONATHAN COACHMAN dares to conduct an interview with the Elucidating One.

JC:  “Excuse me, Raven? You finds yourself back in the WWF, drafted by Ric Flair for RAW in the lottery… and tonight you face Maven for the Hardcore title. Your thoughts on, first, being drafted by Ric Flair, and then your opportunity here tonight.”

R:  “Coach, who I wrestle for is less important than what I wrestle for. My first objective being the Hardcore title. To quote Oscar Wilde, ‘They say we destroy the things we love. But, really, the things we love destroy us.’ Take Maven, for example. His passion has led to his success. But it will also prove to be his Waterloo. Courtesy… of what has come to be known as… The Raven Effect.”

Well. scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen.

Time for the lamb to come to the slaughter. Heeeeere’s MAineVENt out to a strong pop. Especially from the ladies. Raven, meanwhile, has his Shopping Cart O’ Plunder. Let’s see… broom… trash can lid… chair…  stop sign… trash can… whoops, when he lifts the trash can to toss it into the ring, Maven dropkicks it into his face instead. Mavne goes out and tosses Raven back into the ring. CHARGE! Maven goes shoulder-first into the ringpost as Raven moves out of the way. Raven picks up two trash can lids and pounds on Maven’s head alternately, Bob Holly-style. Al Snow on Excess Saturday. Maven with some shoulder drives, picks up the two lids, and makes like cymbals on Raven’s noggin. Home run swing! Maven kicks, and then swings upward with the lid into Raven’s face. Broomstick between the legs… bouncy bouncy!  Lawler makes Curly noises. Maven hits Raven with the soft end of the broom into the gut. CHARGE! He didn’t learn the first time. Back body drop out of the ring… Maven looks like he’s supposed to land on his feet on the apron, but goes for a spill instead. Lawler laughs while some of the FUC crowd chants: “You FUC’ed up!” No matter, Maven goes to the top anyway and hits an ugly flying dropkick. The cover… broken up by TOMMY DREAMER! The plot thickens! Dreamer hits Maven with a cookie sheet.

Now, here’s where I get confused. The commentators say Dreamer has brought his own ref with him, but the only ref I see anywhere is the original, TEDDY “PEANUTHEAD” LONG. So, I was getting the impression Dreamer was helping Raven, not trying to win the title for himself. Weird. Maven dispatches Dreamer with a forearm into the cookie sheet. Drop toe-hold into the chair by Raven! Evenflo! 1-2-3! (1:45) I guess Keats and Yates were on Maven’s side.

In the back, Vinnie Mac is in an executive office conferring with Kurt Angle. He’s not a happy camper

VKM:  ‘Did you just see that? We just lost the Hardcore championship for SmackDown! That… that creep, Maven! I’ll tell you one thing… I’m not going to lose landing the free agent, Stone Cold Steve Austin!”

KA:  “Well I heard a rumour that he’s gonna show up on RAW on Monday night!”

VKM:  “On RAW? Then I’m gonna be there to bring him to SmackDown!”

KA:  “I hope so. But forget about Austin. ‘Cos tonight, we’re gonna focus on Triple H, and Ric Flair, kicking the crap outta them! And even though you chose me second in the draft, and I shoulda been first, I just wanna say, it’s gonna be an honour to be your tag team partner. And I think tonight’s gonna be an Olympic Moment. I do.”

The two shake hands for an uncomfortably long period of time before we cut to commercial. End of segment.

God bless Raven. Let’s get him to tag with Jake Roberts so they can trade quotes.

Okay, moving right along, because the Immo is fading away. So many interview segments and backstage skits, so little time.

LUGZ! HUH! YEAH! Your Boot of the Week: Ric Flair drafts The Undertaker. Who’s wearing BOOTS! See, it all fits. The commentators present us with the line-ups for each side. Look, Steven Richards on RAW!

Back in the APA offices, The Hurricane is chugging brewskis to a hearty chant of “Hero! Hero!” And he passes out while people chuckle. Wait a sec… That’s not Trish, that’s IVORY in the cowboy hat. My, how she has grown. Well, in to spoil the merriment (or add to it!) is WILLIAM REGAL.

WR:  “Isn’t this all very pleasant? I mean, the APA having a party, with a few lowly tarts here, and your fellow… lowlifes. D’y’know, it’s funny that last week I told you, and it’s come true, hasn’t it, that the APA is now officially out of business.”

T [off camera]:  “Aw, you didn’t have to go there, Dawg.”

TBV:  “Whatever, Regal. I got a hundred bucks on…”

B:  “No. [to Regal] You’re right, we are out of business. And it looks like… we’re out of beer! So, I guess that, huh, the party is just about ended!”

Bradshaw grabs Regal by the tie and pulls him onto the table while the riff-raff bail. Except for Spike, who gets thrown into a filing cabinet by Faarooq before he can flee. Bradshaw nails Regal a couple of times, then the APA throws the table on top of him.

F:  “Last party, eh?”

B:  “Yeah, yeah.  Been a good run, huh?”

F:  “Yes, it has. Went out the same we came in.”

B:  “Yeah… we did.”

The two look around a bit, soaking in the memories of TWO LONG YEARS. They leave through the door.

F:  “Hard to believe.”

Bradshaw takes the “Open” sign and turns it around to the “Sorry we’re CLOSED” side. The crowd boos. Bradshaw and Faarooq thank each other and shake hands, then go their separate ways as the lights go out on the APA. Tito… get me some tissue.

Next: more wrestling!

I really, really hope they stick with the split. Keep the two things bleedin’ apart, though. NO trades. NO crossover appearances. NO chance! No chance in Hell!

Speaking of which, Vinnie Mac is all oiled up and ready to go. Mr. Yousuck gets his entrance. WOOO! Flair is wearing his dress pants, and no shirt. He should wear a shirt. HHH gets the full Motorhead opening and does his spray thingy.

I don’t think the bell ever rang to start this off. Your ref is NICK PATRICK. Vinnie Mac puffs up his chest to make fun of HHH, then hits a most muscular pose. HHH backs off in mock fear and tags Flair. So McMahon tags in Angle. Flair offers the hands to lock up, but takes them away and does his dance. WOOO! Angles muscles Flair into the corner. Patrick calls for the break, and Flair gets in a thumb to the eye. Dirtiest player in the game! Three chops (WOOO!) and a tag to HHH. Boot to the gut. Works him over in the corner. Irish to the far corner, reversed, Angle charges, eats the boot. HHH comes in with a clothesline, but Angle catches him in a waistlock… belly-to-belly! Now Angle with the corner violence. He turns to admonish Patrick… yup, HHH with a clothesline. And a choke! Tag to Flair. Now both of them are chopping alternately at Angle… and strutting in unison! And a double chop! (WOOO!) Ah, get the cheap pops where you can. Flair WOOOs at McMahon, which gives Angle enough time to rake the eyes. Irish, reversed, sleeper by Flair. Angle staggers over near his comer with the outstretched arm, but McMahon doesn’t exactly extend himself for the tag. Angle turns the hold into a side headlock and nails a back suplex to escape. Angle is up first, working on the left leg of Flair. Kicks and elbowdrops to the leg, then Angle tags in McMahon. An elbowdrop and some weak knee-to-knee drives. McMahon slides outside the ring, drapes the leg over the apron and yanks down. HHH comes around to poke his large nose where it don’t belong. While Patrick puts him back in his place, Angle and Vinnie double team. McMahon wraps Flair’s leg around the ringpost. Vinnie Back slides back into the ring. He’s going for the Figure Four… but Flair shoves him away with a well placed boot. WOOO! WOOO! Two chops to McMahon sand him scurrying to tag Angle. Before Flair can do the same, Angle charges and knocks HHH off the apron. Go behind… uh-oh, Flair’s trick knee just acted up again. Flair’s got the leg… but Angle turns him over into the Ankle Lock! Flair’s in agony, but HHH makes the save, and plants Angle with a DDT for good measure. Cheater. Both men down. Angle is up first, grabbing Flair by the leg and making the tag. Now McMahon is in, and, yes sir, Figure Four on Flair. Lawler says “Don’t let him turn you over!” to remind us how to reverse the hold. Which Flair does. Angle makes the save with an elbowdrop. Both men down again. HOT TAG! HHH and Angle both in. Angle swings… HHH ducks behind and hits the silly neckbreaker. Irish, head down, HHH eats the boot. Angle off the ropes… Spine on the Pine! One… two… Vinnie Mac makes the save. Falir comes in and stomps McMahon out of the ring. HHH sets up the Pedigree on Angle… but McMahon clocks him in the face with a title belt while the ref is escorting Flair back to his corner! One… two… two-and-a-half! You gotta be kidding me. “He’s mine!” says McMahon, and he tags in. Double axehandle to the head. He struts in Flair’s direction, giving HHH time to recuperate and connect with a clothesline. Tag to Flair. He’s going upstairs! HI-yahhhh! Chop to the head. Except it looks like Vinnie was too far away and they had to change camera angles to make it look good. Alas. More chops in the corner, which Vinnie sells like red hot pokers. Field goal kick, uncontested by the ref. A series of short punches to the face… and Angle breaks it up. Now HHH is in, clotheslining Angle and knocking him out of the ring with a punch. Flair’s gonna put the Figure P on McMahon… NO! It’s the red devil himself, THE UNDERTAKER with the sneak attack. He boots Flair in the head, puts Vinnie Mac on top, the ref reappears, 1-2-3. Call it (10:00) Vinnie Mac makes Hulk like poses as the heels beet their feet up the ramp. The end.

Not bad, decent show, loved the Kane bit. But too much talking, not enough rasslin’. I hope the split will give us some tighter creative.

Gotta go! I think there’s a 28-ounce steak out there calling my name.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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