by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

DAG, YO. The Immolator here. And I believe it was Oscar Wilde that said “Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.”

It’s the first SmackDown! of a new era, yadda yadda. And, from someone’s office at the Blue Cross Arena in Rochester, NY, who better to get us rolling than the man whose intellectual sperm made the pages of the professional wrestling history book stick together… VINCENT K. MCMAHON, ladies ‘n gennumun.

VKM:  “"Good evening. Last Monday night, Ric Flair erroneously named The Undertaker as the Number One contender to face Triple H for the WWF Championship at Backlash. Mr. Flair should have recalled that as stated by the Board of Directors, that whoever won the coin toss would not only win first draft choice, but also name the Number One contender to face the Undisputed Champion at Backlash. And if you will recall, since it was me, Vince McMahon, who won the coin toss, then I will be naming the Number One contender to face Triple H, and I will be naming that Number One contender tonight...on SmackDown! Thank you.” Oh, sure.

Let’s see who’s in the new opening montage, shall we? Yes, we shall. Let’s see…Rock, HHH, Hogan, Stacy, Vince, Torrie, Stacy, Angle, Christian, DDP, Jericho, Tazz, Rikishi, Billy ‘n Chuck, Test, Edge, Faarooq, Scotty, Benoit, Mark Henry with Davey Boy’s old dreads, Val, Storm, Hurricane, Albert, Tajiri… I think that about covers it. WAIT! Where’s FUNAKI?!?

The style of the montage is the same, by the way, and so is the set design inside the Blue Cross Arena. Your hosts, on the other hand, are TAZZ in a black suit and shirt with orange puff, and MICHAEL COLE looking like he walked off the set of a Mr. Mister video.

Let’s start off the new SmackDown! with some riveting non-wrestling! Here’s Mr. U. Suck himself, KURT ANGLE looking for love in all the wrong places.

KA:  “I am out here to publicly state, Yes. Yes, [WHAT?!] I hereby am officially willing to face Triple H at Backlash for the Undisputed Championship. [BOO!] Now I don't need to sit here all night and state the reasons why I deserve the title shot. [WHAT?!] But since you people continue to dis me, [WHAT?!] I'm gonna list them anyway. [WHAT?!] Reason #1: [WHAT?!]  I OWN Triple H. [WHAT?!]  I beat him more times than anyone else in this company. [WHAT?!]  Reason #2: [WHAT?!] I'm an Olympic Gold Medallist. [WHAT?!] What other reason do you need, simply stated. [BOO!] Reason #3: [WHAT?!] I am adored and admired by children and senior citizens worldwide. [BOO!] Especially the sick ones. And why don't you people shut your mouths ‘cos I only have 26 other reasons to go. [BOO!] Reason #4…"

The haunting strains of CHRIS JERICHO’s countdown cause Angle to stop in mid-reason. Reflex face pop gives way to heel pop. Angle ain’t happy. Neither is the Wyld Wynnypegger.

CJ:  “Angle, you pompous jackass! [YAY!] There is no way in hell that you deserve that championship shot. No, NOBODY deserves that championship shot, NOBODY, except for me! I was the very first undisputed champion in history, and I have not received one single one-on-one championship rematch yet! The only rematch I received was some stupid Triple Threat with Stephanie McMahon, a match that SHE lost, not me. And now, not only do I not get another chance, but I have to stare in the faces of these mealy-mouthed, moon-faced idiots, who are thinking in the back of their heads that I am a has-been! I can see it in your eyes, you all think I'm a has-been, but you know what? I… am not, am not, am not a has-been!" [A-HOLE! A-HOLE!] I'm gonna… well I'm gonna prove it, because I'm takin' that championship match against Triple H at Backlash, and there is nothing that anybody here can do about it! How do ya like them apples, Angle?"

KA:  “Well, I don't like it one bit. But let me put it to you like this, Jericho. As far as your quest for a title rematch goes, it already HAS BEEN completed."

CJ:  “Oh, that was a good one, Angle… oh that was a gem, that was HIGH-larious! But if memory serves me correctly, the last time the two of us faced each other in a match, this supposed has-been… BEAT you. So, what does that make ya now, Angle, huh? But, hey, seriously, we could go back and forth on this all night, but there's only one way to settle it. I say, one-on-one, with the winner facing Triple H at Backlash, it's you versus me, tonight on SmackDown!"

KA:  “I'm fine with that, Jericho. Consider it done."

The two grimacing grapplers shake hands, but…

IF YA SMELLLLLLLL… etc. Yeah, it’s THE ROCK. You were expecting Rio Rogers, maybe?

TR:  “Finally, The Rock has come back to Rochester! Did you actually think that you're the only two viable names… who's just gonna throw their names in a hat, throw that hat in the ring to face Triple H at Backlash? Well let The Rock remind you, is there's one man if that you wanna talk about names that should face Triple H at Backlash… let The Rock remind you, there's one man who's had more bigger matches with Triple H than the two of you put together, there's one man who deserves it, and there ain't no one… AND THE ROCK MEANS NO ONE… who deserves a shot more th…"

Hmmm. For once, The Rock has cut himself off mid-sentence. He’s pondering. He’s pensive. He’s…  all right, get on with it already, Master Thespian. We all know and dread what is coming.

TR:  “Maybe there is someone else. [HOGAN! HOGAN!] Maybe there is someone else, because The Rock knows that one day, he'll have his title shot, and one day, when that day comes, The Rock will whup candy a[bleep] like he never whupped before, and become WWF Champion! [YAY!] But until then, maybe the one man who deserves a title shot a little bit more than The Rock… [HOGAN! HOAGN!] Well then, The Rock says we should give the title shot at Backlash to a legend. We should give the title shot at Backlash, to an eye-con."

Jericho thinks he’s a legend, and Angle thinks he’s an icon.

KA:  “Well thank you, Rock. It's about time somebody…”

TR:  “AW, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, JABRONE! The Rock's not talking about YOU!  [YAY!] NonononononononoNO! The one man who should go to Backlash and face Triple H for the WWF Championship, The Rock is talkin' about Hulk Hogan!”

Uh-oh… there’s a whole lotta red-and-yellow out there in Rochester. I don’t know how much of this response I canned, but probably no need for much extra juice on those pops. Speaking of pops, Jericho is about to pop a vein.

CJ:  “Hulk Hogan?! Hulk Hogan?! I think that is ridiculous! I think that…”

TR:  “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” [YAY!]

KA:  “Well, I think…”

TR:  “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” [YAY!] It doesn't matter what either one of you think. It doesn't matter what you think, it doesn't matter what you think, it doesn't even matter what The Rock thinks. Because, you see, what you two fail to realise is this is all new. Although is still SmackDown!, this is a NEWWWW SmackDown! [YAY! And although this is the Rock's show, SmackDown!, The Rock, the People's Champion, The Rock says as of now, SmackDown!, now and forever will be known as the People's Show. [YAY!] And seein' as it's the People's Show, and you two jabrones are standing in the middle of the ring with your thumb up your candy [bleep]es... [YAY!] and you're surrounded by the millllyuns [AND MILLLLYUNS!] of Rock's fans, in 30 seconds, they are gonna let you know who they want to go to Backlash, and face Triple H! They are gonna let you know who they wanna see WIN the WWF Championship at Backlash! And, on the count of three, they will either chant “Jericho,” “Angle” or “Hogan.” 1, 2, 3. [HOGAN! HOGAN!]

Cole says it’s unanimous, although one guy yelled out really loud “ANGLE!!!” just before Rocky counted 3. Tazz says the people are ridiculous. Evenutally, the chant dies down.

TR:  “WhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA! This is YOUR show! You keep that sumb[bleep] goin'!"

Hey, it’s their show, don’t tell them what to do. Sheesh. Jericho throws his mic down in disgust. Nice bit of white noise SFX upon impact.

TR:  “You see, Vince McMahon, if you're listening, Vince McMahon… Vince McMahon if you're listening. Thee most electrifying fans have spoken on thee most electrifying show on television, and as you say, Vince McMahon... the money talks, the bull[bleep] walks... IF YA SAH-MELLLLLLLALALALALALALALALA-LOW! What The Rock! Is! Cookin’!” [raises eyebrow]

Smells like beans to me. End of segment.

Well, there’s 15 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. And when I look back and think of all the things I coulda got me… watersports, rodeo clowns, Florida, pesto…

Speaking of cool music, there’s some people in the front row with giant black-and-white cutout heads, just like They Might Be Giants. And some other people with their faces painted up like Peter Gabriel circa 1978. Rochester is pretty close to Ottawa. They must have listened to CHEZ 106 back when it was still good.

When we get back, it’s SCOTTY 2 HOTTIE and his good buddy ALBERT enjoying a tender moment from earlier tonight! backstage.

S2H:  “That's it… are you ready?"

A:  "Oh, I'm ready."

S2H:  "Tonight's our night."

A:  "Our night."

S2H:  "Do you realise how many superstars are trying to become the Number One contender for that WWF title? And do you realise, big man, that tonight, you and I together are the Number One contenders for the World Wrestling Federation tag team titles? And if we go out there and beat Billy & Chuck tonight, we come back World Wrestling Federation tag team champions?"

A:  "Oh yeah... oh yeah."

S2H:  "You with me?"

A:  "Am I with you?"

S2H:  "Yeah."

A:  "I'm with you… [slaps Scotty in the chest] little man!"

Well, I guess that means we have a tag match next. In fact, we don’t even get to turn it up! because the faces are already in the ring. Their intro time got all eaten up already, y’see.

#  Youuuuuuloooooksooooo… goodtomeeee.  # From the steel rampway, a red-orange glow… see BILLY AND CHUCK, dancing gaily with their stylist, RICO. Suave! Rico approves of Tazz’s duds. Thumbs up! Cole, on the other hand, gets the brush off.

T:  “Look at those chops on Rico. [to Cole] Anything to cover your face would be good.”

Hey, let’s wrestle! Eh. Scotty and Chucky start things off. Chuck with the early advantage. Goes for a hip block, Scotty holds on, punches him in the gut, drapes a leg over his neck and flips over backward to get out. Clothesline by Chuck, ducked, silly slip-behind standing neckbreaker. Chuck scrambles on his knees to his corner and hugs Billy around the waist. So Scotty grabs Chuck’s head and rams it into Billy’s southern hemisphere. Or thereabouts. Billy comes in, gets armdragged. Whip, reversed, Chucky nails Scotty in the backy. Scotty knocks him off the apron, and gets flattened by a big ol’ clothesline when he turns around. Heel tag team offence ensues. Chuck is in… he scoops up Scotty on his shoulder and charges toward the corner, but Scotty slips off and shoves Chuck into the turnbuckles. Chuck goes for a clothesline, ducked… savate kick! And Chuck falls down like big oak tree. HOT TAG! Albert is a hippo afire. Sloppy powerslam on Billy. Chuck tries to break it up with an elbow, but Albert moves and the elbow hits Billy instead. Chuck gets heaved through the ropes. Irish into the corner… YAAAAAAAAAvalanche! Uh-oh. Albert is making the Sign of the Worm… Scotty tagged in… but Rico gets up on the apron and nails Albert in the back. Hmmm. Albert no like. He chases Rico around the ring… and runs right into a clothesline from Chuck. Meanwhile, in the ring, Billy with the Irish on S2H, ducks the head… spinning DDT! The cover! Where the heck is BRIAN HEBNER? Ah, he’s taking care of business on the outside. Rico comes inside…  nasty savate kick to Scotty’s noggin! Billy drapes the arm over, ref is back in… s’later (3:07)

Post-match, Rico is one campy happer. Until he realises Albert is staring him down. But wait! FACEPLANT OF DOOM! W! O! R! Emmmm… BOOT TO THE HEAD from Albert! Zounds! The crowd is displeased. The worm has turned! YAAAAAAAvalanche! Albert is a changed man. And very loud, too.

A:  “You weighed me down! You understand me?!  You weighed me down! You made me dance… for SIX months! You understand me?!”

BALDO BOMB! And so ends the tragic tale of The Zoo Crew. Captain Carrot waves a tearful good-bye to Pig Iron while Fastback and Alley Kat-Abra settle down together in a nice condo and start a marijuana grow-op. Leapin’ legumes!

Backstage, SOME GUY is pacing in front of Mr. McMahon’s door with a microphone. Where’s SHARMELL?! DAMN! End of segment.

What tag teams are left? B&C, Hardys… um…

Musing time is over. Time for an interview with Vinnie Mac and… that guy.

TG:  “Mr. McMahon!  May I have a word with you?"

VKM:  "Heh, heh. Who are you?"

TG:   "I'm MARK LLOYD."

VKM:  "MARK LLOYD? Did you ever work for Ric Flair?"

TG:  "No, sir."

VKM:  "Welcome to SmackDown!, kid."

McMahon gives the guy, who we now know as MARK LLOYD, a hearty pat on the shoulder and turns to leave.

ML:  "Mr. McMahon, my question! Have you decided who the Number One Contender is?"

VKM:  "As a matter of fact, I have, MARK. You see, the World Wrestling Federation is all about opportunity. This is the land of opportunity, and one deserving individual will have the opportunity of a lifetime. But just so you'll know, I don't succumb to public pressure, I could care less what the public wants, 'cos, quite frankly, I know what they want better than they do. I could care less what The Rock wants. It's all about what I want. And I want the one well-deserving individual to have his opportunity to be the undisputed World Wrestling Federation champion - bigger than WrestleMania! Therefore, at Backlash, Triple H defends the undisputed WWF championship against... Hulk Hogan!” [YAY!]

Mr. Lloyd immediately gets on my bad side a) by not being Sharmell, and b) by pumping his fist in joy to hear Double H’s name.

Elsewhere backstage, Jericho is smart! He’s watching everything on TV! So does that mean, right now, he’s watching himself watch himself watch himself… anyway, he’s not happy with the announcement, as you may have guessed. He kicks (gingerly) at the TV and leaves the room he was in, screaming “NO! NO! NO!” Out in the bowels of the Blue Cross arena, he finds the Rock and goes all Ren on his ass.

CJ:  “YOU! You son of a b[bleep]! You stupid moron! You just had to open your big mouth and suggest Hulk Hogan. That title shot was MINE! You suggest Hulk Hogan?! These people are chanting 'has-been' at me… Hulk Hogan was a never-was! What has Hulk Hogan ever done in this company? What has Hulk Hogan ever accomplished in this business? He couldn't even beat you at WrestleMania! I've got no problem with beatin' ya, Rock. I beat you at No Mercy. I beat you at Judgment Day. I beat you at…” Jericho gets The Hand in the Face.

TR:  "Why don't you try and beat The Rock... tonight?"

CJ:  "All right. Tonight, I beat The People’s Champion on the People’s Show.”

TR:  “Get ready…”

And Jericho looks as Rocky walks away, showing us the back of his “Get Ready” T-Shirt, which says “Your Candy Ass is Next!” Uh-oh… hey, that’s End of Segment? Pfft.

“Forceable [sic] Entry” ad tells us about Benoit’s new theme… that’s right. “We Stand Alone” by Killer Dwarfs. [BOO!] Okay, okay, let it rest. I was watching Benoit team with Biff Wellington when you were still a latchkey toddler.

When we come back, we get a special PPV-style video package showing the eternal (okay, weeks-long) feud between CHRISTIAN and DDP. Reunite them so I can see more of Christian’s goofy smile.

After that, already in the ring and depriving us of yet another entrance is Christian. DDP follows. Let’s tussle! DDP smiles, Christian swings, DDP ducks, hits a clothesline. Irish, ducks the head, eats the boot. Christian off the ropes again… Page leapfrogs! Reverse monkey flip on the rebound! Clothesline over the top rope! BANG! Christian drapes the neck of the top rope as he gets back in. He’s stompin’ away… neckbreaker. Headlock. Page fights out with a shove to the ropes… another reverse monkey flip attempt, but Christian grabs a leg lace and calls for a count from fellow Canadian JIM KORDERAS. He gets two. Reversed into a leg lace by Page! Two count… WHEELBARROW SUPLEX by Page! Oof! Both men down, both men up, page gets the better of the exchange… discus lariat! Into the ropes, DDP with a knee… SITOUT POWERBOMB! My goodness. Two count only! He goes for another discus, but Christian ducks and connects with the slop drop backbreaker. Two count only. Irish to the far corner, Page with a back elbow. CUTTER… no! Christian holds the top rope and spares us The Cutter. Quick roll-up by Page! 1… 2… kickout! Goes for a boot… Christian catches the foot, spins him around… clothesline try by DDP, but Christian ducks and hits the slop drop! Here’s the cover… NO! Two only! Uh-oh… he’s starting to shake… he’s starting to shimmy… PETULANT FRENZY! Page is getting a good chuckle out of this, as am I. Page goes to spin Christian around… eye gouge by Christian. UNPRETTIER! He was playing possum! YEAH! 1-2-3. (3:17) Christian leaves, pointing at his head to indicate that he’s smart, don’tcha know.

Speaking of petulant, here’s Kurt Angle somewhere in the bowels of the arena, having a monologue.

KA:  “I can't believe this. What the heck is Mr. McMahon thinking? Hulk Hogan with the Number One Contender shot? Why don't we just elect Hillbilly Jim for President while we're at it? I can't…[looks up, toward off camera] Oh, this is just great, what the heck do you want? What, are you here to rub it in? I have a match with you later tonight, don't make me madder than I am!”

Here comes Angle’s former good buddy, EDGE. Did I mention they have a match lined up? No? Well, now you know.

E:  “Kurt...why don't you settle down, okay? Settle down, settle down. I know we have a match tonight.”

KA:  “Yeah.”

E:  “I know we've had our problems lately.”

KA:  “Yes, we do!”

E:  “Well, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I feel bad."

KA:  “What?!”

E:  “Well, we used to be really tight… I mean, really good friends.”

KA:  “Yeah, we were. So what?”

E:  “Well, I was going through my attic the other day. Look what I found: I found these pictures, check it out."

Edge has a stack of photos with him, in white border frames. He hold one up so Angle can see. What Angle can’t see, but those of us as home can, is what’s written on the back of the photo: “YOU SUCK,” with an arrow pointing at Angle. Ho HO!

KA:  “Hey! That's when I first won the WWF title!”

E:  “Yeah, look how sharp it is! Pretty good, huh?"

KA:  “That’s awesome!”

E:  “Hey, there's more… check 'em out!"

KA:  “Wow, man. Oh, this is cool."

Angle takes the rest of the photos and holds the next one up. Again, he can’t see the back, but we see…

Ý YES I DO SUCK

E:  “I hope these cheer you up! See you out there."

Ý AND I’M A DORK

IT’S TRUE

ß P.S. I HAVE NO TESTICLES

KA:  “I wonder if there’s a date…”

Angle flips the last photo over, looking for a date on the back… and realises he’s been had.

KA:  “WHAT TH’?! Son of a…”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! I actually did enjoy that wee jape, wha’.

Hey, it’s The Game! The Man! That HHH Guy! And he’s… MEANDERING THROUGH THE BOWELS OF THE BLUE CROSS ARENA!!! Looks like another big-ass interview. End of segment.

You know how long these interviews take to recap? Especially when the closed caption doesn’t capture? And the captions are never right, anyway. But they are amusingly wrong sometimes. Just ask CRZ. Actually, don’t bug him. Just remember the glory that was Raymond Stereo.

On the flipside, yup, it’s TRIPLE H and his shiny new belt that totally reeks of awesomeness. Full entrance for the champ, complete with water spray. Yeah, milk it, go ahead, less typing for me.

HHH:  “Monday night on RAW, Ric Flair made a championship match for Backlash: Triple H versus The Undertaker. Vince McMahon then, tonight, states that it is HE that contractually has the right to make the championship match at Backlash, not Ric Flair. So Vince McMahon makes the match for THE undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship. It will be Triple H… versus… Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Now, quite frankly, I could care less either way. But since it looks like it's gonna be Hogan, and Deadman, I know you're watching this, and I know you're p[bleep] off thinking you've lost your shot, you've lost your chance… well, let me assure you of one thing: this title is going nowhere. You have lost nothing, because when I get done with Hogan, I will be waiting for YOU. Now, as far as Hogan goes…”

It’s the fabulous wah of former Vancouver resident Jimi Hendrix, signalling the entrance of… oh, good gravy. HULK HOGAN (Slight Return) is back in the red-and-yellow, brothers. And he looks goofier than Goofy. That’s it… my Guilty Pleasure Meter just hit zero.

HH:  “As far as Hogan goes, I was just as surprised as you were, Hunter, when Vince McMahon made the match: Triple H versus Hollywood Hulk Hogan for the undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship at Backlash. You know, brother, I thought it couldn't get any bigger than WrestleMania I, when myself and Mr. T teamed up and punked out Orn-doff [sic] and his partner Piper. And then I thought it couldn't get any bigger than WrestleMania III, with 94,000 fans screaming, I pressed Andre the Giant over my head and beat him right in the middle of the ring. I thought it couldn't get any bigger than WrestleMania 18 when I took on the Rock… the FANS brought Hulkamania back! The fans have surprised me more than anything else in my life. And oh yeah, Hunter, Hulkamania is back, brother. But it doesn't get any bigger than the undisputed title. So if these fans believe in me… and these fans believe I deserve a shot… well then, brother, I'm gonna TAKE it."

Hogan’s getting Gargantuan Pops of Humungous Size throughout this bit. Ugh.

HHH:  “You're right...it doesn't get any bigger than the undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship. And believe me when I tell you, it will be an honour for me to be in the ring with the Immortal Hulk Hogan. But while it's an honour, there's just a little part of me… that's sad. Sad, because I'm gonna have to hurt someone I've looked up to my whole life. And I'm gonna have to hurt him badly. Make no mistake… make no mistake: I will not hesitate, not for one second will I hesitate in that ring. When you step in the ring with me for the undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship, and you look across that ring, and you look in my eye, you're not immortal. You're not an icon. You are just like everybody else: you are an obstacle. And I will run… you… down. Now, that is not a threat… [HOGAN, HOGAN!] That is not a threat, that is not a warning, that is just a fact. Nothing will come between me and this undisputed World Wrestling Federation championship, not even the Immortal Hulk Hogan. Because, brother, I am The Game...and I am THAT DAMN GOOD!”

HH:  “You know, Hunter, you may be right. But even when the experts say Hulkamania is dead and gone, brother, it always rises up again. And at Backlash, my friend, when Hulkamania rises up, brother… Triple H, I got just one question for you. What'cha gonna do? [tears off shirt] "WHAT'CHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD…. ON… YOU?!? 

Oy. Hogan cups his hand to his ear and then points at HHH as if to say “Hear that? You wish you could get a pop like that.” End of segment.

Sigh.

Hour Number Two! Your Lugz “Boot Up The Arse” moment is from, what, 15 minutes ago? Edge makes funny on Angle with the photo thingy and the arrows, ‘glavin.

You think you know me. GAKAAHAGAFPAHTHPTH!!! Strobe lights like shrimp forks in your epileptic eyeballs mean it’s Edge Time. “Forceable [sic] Entry” available now. SmackDown! brought to you by Vancouver’s own Lions Gate Films’ new film “Frailty,” and by CIGARETTES! Smoke me! And Foot Locker. A great place to practice ref bumps!

He sucks, he sucks, HE sucks, it’s Kurt Angle, and he’s pissed… time to wrestle. Angle getting the advantage and stomping away right off the bat. Irish, reversed, leg lariat by Edge. Clothesline, ducked by Angle… BIG belly-to-back. Suplex. Two count from referee MIKE CHIODA. Head to the turnbuckle, series of chops. Edge reverses. Chops, punches and a whip to the far corner, reversed. Angle charges and eats the boot. Edge charges, and he gets the belly-to-belly. I think Angle got hit in the mush a bit. Olympic slam… no, Edge slips out. Single underhook faceplant. Both men down, then up at 4. They exchange forearms. Edge with the advantage. Irish, arm wringer reverse, Angle clothesline attempt is ducked… Edge-O-matic! Two count only. Edge gets Angle tied up Andre-style in the ropes. SPEAR! ANOTHER SPEAR! Forearm shiver, and Angle rolls out of the ring. While the ref admonishes Edge, Angle gets a chair. Edge goes after him, though, and Angle drops the chair on the apron. Back in the ring, Angle with an eye rake. Irish, reversed, back body drop by Edge. Edge beats on Angle by the ropes. The ref pushes Edge away. CHARGE! Edge goes for a spear, but Angle gets the chair and holds it up so that Edge goes splat! into the chair. (DQ 3:17 again) You want matches longer than five minutes? Go watch Heat. Angle takes another swing at Edge, but he ducks and knocks Angle out of the ring again. Edge takes a swing, but Angle’s long gone. Edge looks like he took the chair over the bridge of the nose and the left eyebrow. Y’know, he was great in “Highlander: Endgame.”

Backstage, TORRIE WILSON is oilin’ up! Whoo-hoo! She’s wearing a too-small red-orange halter top and matching low-cut leather pants and… aw, snap! BILLY KIDMAN is there to make sure The Immo keeps his thoughts pure around his woman. Tabernac!

TW:  "Hey Billy, how ya doin'?"

BK:  "I am doing great, It is so good to be back, but listen: I just wanted to tell you that tonight I have a cruiserweight title match against Tajiri. And I know you're gonna be out there in his corner, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm going in there tonight to beat him for that title. And I know we've had our past, and our past differences in WCW but... that, that's all behind us now. I just want to wish you guys both the best of luck."

TW: "You know what, you're such a class act. I really appreciate that. Good luck to you too."

BK:  "Thank you."

And then they hug the hug that old boyfriends always manage to weasel out of their old girlfriends with some schmaltzy line.  HAH! Caught in the act by TAJIRI, you filthy swine! Now, my Japanese is a bit rusty, but, here goes:

T:  “Oe! Oe! Noh nakatu bara! No nakatu bai!”

<Hey! Hey! Hands off the merchandise, buddy! No nookie for you, boy!>

T [to Torrie]:  “Momo tobe haka no hyunde ma ohunaka noh sunde oh!”

<What are you doing putting your arms around this mouth-breather?>

T:  “Ma ohun ma wei oh? So daiye wo?”

<Is you or is you not my woman?>

T [to Billy]:  “Ni miteru!”

<Watch this, mister!>

T [to Torrie]:  “Kiss for good ruck. For ruck!”

Torrie gives him a little peck on the cheek.

T:  “More ruck!”

TW:  “More luck?”

She gives him a little peck on the lips. Tajiri turns to Billy with a big grin on his face, followed by a scowl, and then gives him the brush-off, with Torrie in tow.

TW [to Billy]:  “Good luck…”

Hey, mind your own beeswax, woman! End of segment.

Tajiri is the best. Push him to the moon.

Sevendust’s version of “Break the Walls Down” is not quite as impressive as their version of “Goin’ Back To Cali.”

Bouncy bouncy! It’s Torrie and Tajiri, and she must use a lot of masking tape to keep that halter-top from popping right off her ample bosom. Tazz agrees with The Immo about Kidman and his loose hands. Speaking of Kidman… he’s bulked up. They announce him at 215, and I could almost buy that. I think these guys were all told to work on their lats and delts and traps to make them more mat-resilient.

The bell rings, and Kidman is reflexively glancing at Torrie. Eyes front, soldier! Collar-and-elbow, Kidman with the hammerlock. Tajiri puts his free hand behind Kidman’s neck, lifts his legs up in the air and mares Kidman over. Charge by Kidman, Tajiri drops down, Kidman goes over, hip block attempt on the rebound, Kidman block and tries his own, but Tajiri holds firm. Shot to Kidman’s gut, leg draped over the neck… into a flying head scissors. Irish to the far corner, Kidman grabs the top ropes and kicks the feet up and onto the shoulders of the charging Tajiri. Head scissors takedown ensues. Kidman punch misses, Tajiri roundhouse kick misses, Kidman with the armdrag. The commentators are talking about Kidman’s previous relationship with Torrie, as opposed to his current in-ring work with Tajiri. Armdrag by Tajiri! And a handspring kip-up! The two combatants assume ready stances while the crowd applauds. Kidman charges, Tajiri ducks. BACK KICK to the face! Kidman rolls out of the ring. Look out… ASAIyeeeeeeee! Beauty. Tajiri gives him a little boot to the back of the head and rolls him back into the ring. Goin’ up top… Tajiri flies… right into a dropkick by Kidman. Cover… two count. Eventually, the commentators remark how good of a match this is, even though they’re not calling it. Irish by Kidman, reversed, outside roundhouse to the button! Nasty! Two count only. Tazz pulls the same baggy pants joke he used on Heat. Tajiri going for a tornado DDT… but Kidman hangs on and turns it into sit-out spinebuster! Nice. Kidman drags Tajiri to the corner… he’s going up top… could it be the ol’ Seven Year Itch? SHOOTING STAR PRESS… misses! Tajiri rolls out of the way. He’s setting up for his finishing kick… WHAM! Right in the kisser. “Goodnight Irene,” says Tazz. One, two, th… great googly moogly. He kicked out. Tajiri with an arm wringer, and a chop, and an Irish to the far corner. Reversed. Kidman charges… into a TARANTULA! But Tajiri can’t quite cinch it in, and Kidman turns around and shoves him off the apron to the floor. What’s this! The Devious One, Tajiri, snatches his cruiserweight belt from the hands of announcer TONY CHIMEL and places it in the corner of the ring while the ref ain’t lookin’. He gets back in the ring, and Kidman stomps at him. Irish to the corner, reversed, Tajiri going for the monkey flip, but Kidman hangs on and turns around so Tajiri is sitting on the top turnbuckle. Torrie sees the belt in the corner and picks it up. Huh? What, you think it’s there by accident? TARANTULA! It’s locked in! He releases the hold. Now Tajiri is lurking menacingly, an EVIL! grin on his face. He goes to the corner for the belt… and it isn’t there, of course. Shocked, he looks at Torrie, and sees that she’s got it. He says something to the effect of “Whuzzupwitdat?” And Kidman hits the upside-down go-behind into a sunset flip position for the win. (3:17 yet again) Ladies and gentlemen, your NEW cruiserweight champion. Torrie’s got a look on her face like “Did I just do something bad? Uh-oh.” Tajiri looks more like “WTF?!”  Now Torrie is all “Oh, crap, I’m in big trouble.” And Tajiri is, like, “I’m really pissed off now.” He calls for the stick! Hoo boy, this is going to take some work.

T:  “Atari oe! KOI! KOICHI KOSHIDA!”

<You enormously large-breasted American bottle blonde! GET IN THIS RING!>

T:  “KOI!!!”

<ENORMOUS!!!>

T:  “Ryosi kaino na gunu natai kie na nande a!”

<The only time you touch my belt is when you’re taking off my pants!>

T:  “Kenyo huteryo konyu rora min [bleep] ta ke ri ma!”

<You Occidentals are all the same! Lazy and f[bleep]ing stupid!>

T:  “Koichi se simite atire goneru a!”

<I’d hit you right now, but it’s against Article 9 of the Meiji Constitution!>

T:  “Akuyo shogomo nieryo!”

<Welcome to Splitsville! Population: YOU!>

That’s the gist of it, anyway. With every phrase, the crowd screams “WHAT?!” and Tazz says stuff like “I can’t believe he just said that” and “I should tell my wife the same thing when she gets me mad!”

So… more changes afoot in SmackDown! land. Should be interesting… as long as Billy doesn’t make Torrie cover up. That’s your meal ticket, man, don’t do it!

In his office, here’s Vinnie Mac talking to somebody off camera. I think his name is QUITE FRANKLY. Let’s listen.

VKM:  “You know, Quite Frankly, I'm all right with Billy Kidman as the new cruiserweight champion, but the one title… the one title change that sticks in my craw, I can't get it out, it's right here… is that damn no good Maven. Maven was drafted by me not because he was the winner of Tough Enough 1, Maven was drafted by me to bring the hardcore title to SmackDown! What did he do? He lost the damn thing. Bob Holly...tonight, I want you to teach Maven a lesson he'll never forget.”

Ah, it’s the Bodacious one himself (or was he Bombastic?) BOB HOLLY making his return to the ring. Again. He looks like my cousin Mike, too.

BH:  “Now Vince, you know as well as I do if I'd a-been the trainer of Tough Enough 1, Maven would a-never lasted one single day.”

VKM:  “Well then, since your first name is Hardcore, Bob Holly, let's make certain that Maven doesn't last the rest of the night.”

BH:  “You got it.”

VKM:  “I know I do”

The two shake hands and Holly vamooses. Hark! A knock on the door.

VKM:  “Come in”

Well, well. It's The Girl with the Golden Gams, STACY KEIBLER. I used to think it was Stacey, but I guess I was wrong. Vince’s eyes are bugging out of his head like Marty Feldman.

VKM:  “Hi, Stacy!”

SK:  “Hi, Mr. McMahon!”

VKM:  “Oh no no no no no! Just call me...Vince.”

SK:  “Okay, Vince. I know that you have a lot on your plate right now... but I was wondering if I could offer you my services...”

Vince drops his rolled-up papers (no, not those kind of papers) as he swoons at the thought of Stacy’s… services.”

SK:  “Oh, let me get that for you.”

Stacy bends over and picks up the papers. Lookit that mama, she’s got it stickin’ in the camera, man. Maybe we could have some.

VKM:  “Thank you so much.”

SK:  “… as an executive assistant.”

VKM:  “Ah… I see… well, uh…”

Stacy grabs him by the arm, and he just about blows his load right there.

SK:  “Mr. McMahon, you know the other night on RAW when you said that you had the intellectual sperm that has fertilized the egg of professional wrestling… oh, that is now modern-day sports entertainment? I LOVE the way that you talk!”

VKM:  “Well, uh, you know something, Stacy... for the record, I love the way that...that you walk. Uh… have a seat!"

They sit down together on the sofa. McMahon has a fecal matter-eating grin on his face and his rolled-up papers sticking out… hmm, seems rather small to me to be an effective phallic symbol, but what do I know. End of segment.

I found out the other day that Kawada hurt is knee and is out of the main event at the big All-Japan card I’m going to. CRAP! Tenryu apparently gets to pick an opponent. Hey, maybe Stan Hansen will do it just for old times sake. Yeah, and minkes might come flying out of my butt.

We’re all up in McMahon’s are again. There’s a knock on the door. Who gets mic time now? Let’s find out.

VKM:  “Come on in, Stacy, you don't have to knock.”

Wrong! It’s D-Von Dudley, and he ain’t happy. No sir.

DVD:  “No, it ain't Stacy. We need to talk. We need to talk now. Who the hell do you think you are splittin' up the best tag team that the World Wrestling Federation has ever seen? You split me and my brother up because of you and Ric Flair's games? Who the hell do you think you are?! We spent our lives trying to get to the World Wrestling Federation, trying to prove that we could become the best tag team, and you go by, sittin' up there with Flair, arguin' and carryin' on, fightin' and so forth and so on. Explain yo' self! It's time for you to testify, and to tell D-Von what the HELL IS GOIN’ ON!!"

VKM [sotto voce]:  “Well, I'd be real happy to. You see, I wanted to draft the Dudley Boyz. I wanted the Dudley Boyz on SmackDown! Flair found that out, and what did Flair do? Flair splits the team up. He was the man with the first choice, he chose your brother, Buh Buh Ray. So then, there, I was left with no alternative but to choose what I thought was the best brother: you, D-Von. Now, maybe I was wrong. You see, because I, quite frankly, didn't want this for the Dudleys, but since it happened, I was hoping that maybe D-Von was ready to step up… D-Von was ready to climb the ladder of success. And I'll tell you what: [growly] why don't you get the hell out of my office. And you stay the hell outta my office until you find out just who the hell YOU are. Because I got high hopes for D-Von Dudley. Get out, and don't come back until you're ready to be a WWF superstar."

D-Von mutters "Fine” under his breath. He wasn’t exactly buying what Vinnie Mac was selling, but he’s pacified for now.- Vince points toward the door.

VKM:  “Come back when you're ready.”

His EVIL! facial expressions crack me up.

Oh, good, more face time. Deep in the bowels of the Blue Cross Arena, its MAineVENt and his mentor, AL SNOW. Maven is drinking out of a giant-size 7-11 Slurpee cup or something. It’s got Rock’s face on it. Welcome to the big time, kid.

AS:  “Think about it: one year ago… one year ago you were just a schoolteacher in Oregon! NOW you're a Tough Enough winner, you've already wrestled Chris Jericho for the WWF title, and you're three — yes, THREE-time hardcore champion. And think about it: a year ago, you would have had to go in the worst part of town, find the weirdest stranger, and have him mug you, to get an ass-whuppin' like you're probably gonna get you tonight. So all I can tell you Maven, as you face Bob Holly [crosses him] is that, just remember, [kisses both cheeks] God is always with you... and you're sure as hell gonna need him now. Good luck." End of yet another non-wrestling segment. Balls!

Just a schoolteacher? Excuse me?

Get the WWF Divas swimsuit issue! It’s spunky!

The Spider-Man movie looks good, but probably not as good as the Spidey Super Stories clips they had on The Electric Company when I was a kid. Speaking of movie adaptations, I still can’t get over how they took Joe Chill and made him The Joker. I’m picky that way, in case you haven’t noticed.

Your Smack of the Night! is from last Thursday, when Tommy Dreamer nailed Maven with the cookie sheet. From the angle they show in the replay, you can see Dreamer did indeed bring his own ref… wait a second. Dreamer. Sandman. HAH! I just got that. All we need now is R.E.M. doing his theme song.

Here comes The Unibrow himself to a big pop. Your referee is TEDDY “PEANUTHEAD” LONG. Watch that fast count! Chimel looks like he has a new, more aerodynamic ‘do. As for Holly, wasn’t he well over 400 pounds? He and Crash must both be eating nothing but Stacker 2 and heroin.

The bell rings. Collar-and-elbow, side headlock by Maven. Holly pushes him off to the ropes, back elbow misses, Maven with the “spinning heel kick.” Two count already. Holly with  kick to the gut. Holly starts punking Maven out in the corner. Maven staggers along the ropes. He’s leaning forward over the top rope, so Holly grabs both legs and BOOT! Field Goal! Hey, Rochester fans… good thing that field goal attempt wasn’t on grass, huh? Inverted atomic drop. Clothesline levels Maven. Irish… DROPKICK OF EXTREME TUMESCENCE! Bodyslam… Holly’s going to the top (!) Don’t do it, Holly! Oh, well. Maven gets the boot up. Two count. Now Maven is up top, and he hits a flying dropkick of his own. One! Two! Th… nope, Holly kicks out. Maven goes to pick Holly up, but it’s Holly doing the hoisting. It’s a big spinebuster, the one where your opponent starts almost upside-down over your shoulders and you fling him to the mat. And that’s apparently his new finisher. (1:02) Cole calls it “The Alabama Slam” as if he’s seen it a zillion times before and he’s an authority on the move. I hate it when people do that. It’s his first time back on the tube, it’s the first time he’s used the move, and Cole knows its Holly-specific nickname. A little background, at least? Anyway, Holly gets the duke.

Earlier tonight! Jericho chews out Rocky. And now… ROCK… IS… on his way to the ring. End of segment.

DOOD… keep EATING!

Jericho gets introduced first. Cole says Jericho’s band, Fozzy, is playing “The World” Friday night. Chyron confirms it. Tazz tries to make the save for Cole by saying Moongoose McQueen will be there, too. Then he asks Cole to get him a packet of crisps at the Stop ‘n Shop.

IF YA SMELLLL… cripes, these guys get two intros apiece, and Christian only gets a half-an intro. Just get on with the damn match.

Jericho goes out to meet Rocky at the bottom of the ramp. They exchange blows. Rock gets the best of it. Your ref is TIM WHITE. Rock punches Jericho clean over the Big Black Barricade, beats him up some more, then biels him back over. Rock goes for an Irish into the ringpost, reversed, Rock goes for a clothesline, but Jericho ducks and grabs both legs. Slingshot into the ringpost! He tosses him back in the ring, and finally we have a bell to start the match. A boot, and a baseball slide dropkick. Jericho asks Rock several times if he thinks he (Jericho) is a has-been. Chop. And again. And again. Fourth attempt ducks, Rocky fires back. Irish to the far corner, reversed, Leg lariat. Two count! Punches. Forearm. Jericho goes to the top! Flying dropkick! Two count! Suplex. C’MON, BABY!!! Two count. Rocky fights back, but Jericho ducks and grabs both legs…. Going for the Walls! Rocky reaches the ropes. Stomp, stomp, et al. Jericho goes to the top again… but Rock hits the ropes and Jericho gets crotched. Moongoose will be singing “Eat the Rich” as a soprano tomorrow. Rock is staggered, but he lays in the punches nonetheless. SUPERPLEX! Both men are down. About seven counts later, Jericho is up, and he CHARGES… into a clothesline. And another. Irish by The Rock… double arm throw. Boot to the gut, DDT! Two-and-three-quarters! Punch, Irish, Jericho leaps with the forearm, and connects… with Tim White. REF BUMP! Spinebuster! SHARPSHOOTER! AKA Scorpion Deathlock, Cock of the Walk... but there’s no ref. And Heeeeeeeerrrrrre’s Kurt Angle to sow EVIL! In the ring. Except Rock dispatches him quickly out of the ring. But when he turns around, Jericho slams him. He kicks the arm! He pulls off the elbow pad… and gives the universal “up yours” salute instead of throwing it into the crowd. Criss-cross the arms, criss-cross the ring… KIP UP by The Rock! SPINEBUSTER! Now Rocky’s gonna do his little dance… elbow pad into the crowd, criss-cross (didn’t he do “Arthur’s Theme?” Ah, Dudley Moore, we hardly knew ye), but ANGLE is back in with a clothesline before the elbow can be completed. OLYMPIC SLAM! Jericho drags himself over for the cover… White drags himself over to make the agonizingly slow count… One… Two… ThrNO! Angle is beside himself. Now Edge is beside Angle, beating the snot out of him. Edge clotheslines Angle over the barricade into people’s laps. They fight through the crowd. Meanwhile, both men are down in the ring, and Tim White is barely lucid enough to put the count on. They’re up at eight. Rock is getting the better of the exchange. FISTFUL O’ SPIT! But Jericho ducks! Jericho clothesline misses, and he walks into a Rock Bottom! No, Jericho with the back elbow! Faceplant! Lionsault… misses! ROCK BOTTOM! (7:32) Rock wins, Tazz isn’t happy, and that’s the end of the show!

Not bad. PPV-quality main event, if a little shorter. Hey, any show where Tajiri gets the stick is a good show. The split had almost no obvious effect on the feel of the show, other than the relative lack of T&A. I think the split will benefit RAW more. ‘Cos they can get away with all the cussin’ an’ a-swearin’ an all that carrying on.

Gotta go. Immo will be here for your Heat recap unless I hear otherwise. Then I’ll be here for SD! in two weeks’ time. But I’m sure someone will post something here to satisfy your SD! jones next week.

Peace.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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