by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

DAG, YO. The Immolator here. My Habs got the rug pulled out from under them tonight by the frickin' Hurricanes. So, I have to suck it up and proceed with this recap, even though I'd rather put my fist through the computer. Such is the life of a sports fan. I wonder if CRZ has an impending sense of doom about his Sacramento Kings. That feeling deep inside the pit of your stomach that they just aren't good enough. Hey, at least he has an NBA team in his general vicinity. Mine left for Memphis.

Habs in seven (I hope).

Hey, whaddaya know, it's time, once again, for everyone to take a long, amorous gander at THE IMMOLATOR'S GIANT SACK of mail.

A certain Mr. D. Bell from 'round these parts points out that Wendell Young is the only goalie in history to win the Stanley Cup, Turner Cup, Calder Cup and Memorial Cup. A record that will never be broken, with the demise of the IHL. He is the man that made the Penguins great, no doubt.

A certain "MG" (w/out Booker T) digs the Smoove B. Sheesh, seems all I do is throw out hip and urbane references, like I'm some sort of Meme Pool or something.

Well, time to recap SmackDown! That's WWE SmackDown!, of course. Wheeeeee! And we will return to the slightly longer recap format, the premier of the Northwest Territories having returned to Yellowknife. I considering asking him his thoughts on the dismissals of Hall and Hennig, but he seemed more interested in that silly $3-billion pipeline.

Same opening as RAW, with the little icons for all the little shows. And the WW logo, which makes NO sense. And the woman doing the gardening? That's my Mom. The Beautiful People are still there. When you lie with pigs, it's hard to be clean. Or something.

We are taped! from the Arena at Harbor Yard in Bridgeport, CT. Your hosts are TAZZ and MICHAEL COLE, the latter of whom reaches way up into the 20,000Hz range to tell us that it's WWE, and it's Judgment Day in ten days.

Kicking things off, why, that's, that's… somebody's music that I do not recognize. Wait, it's STACY KEIBLER coming to the ring. She's got legs. She knows how to use them. And she gives us a little of the ol' Miss Hancock dance before grabbing the mic and introducing the Big Enchilada himself, MR. MCMAHON. O, rapture.

VKM:  "Thank you very much, Stacy, thank you for that warm introduction. I, uh… (A-HOLE! A-HOLE!) You're using language like that in the presence of a lady. And I was wondering, Stacy, if maybe both of us, maybe we both need a microphone… so would you mind, like, getting one more?"

Stacy leaves the ring over the middle rope to give us that GRATUITOUS butt shot we all love. Well, the camera angle doesn't comply, unfortunately. We are on UPN, after all. We can show men's buttocks only, it seems. Vince stops her in mid-bend.

VKM:  "Uh, Stacy, that's all right, on second thought, come back over here. Just stand next to me. You see, Stacy is a model employee. Stacy will do everything that I tell or ask her to do. (YAY!) That's a model employee for ya. (WHAT?!) I wish I could clone her, as a matter of fact (WHAT?!) But, unfortunately, here on SmackDown!, not everyone is the same calibre. (WHAT?!) We do have some dissident employees. (WHAT?!) And the one right at the top of the list (WHAT?!) Would be The Jerk Who Calls Himself The Game, Triple H. (YAY!) You see, I told triple H last week, do not under any circumstances physically interfere with Chris Jericho's attempt to become champion in the Hogan match (WHAT?!) Well, triple H didn't exactly physically interfere; but, nonetheless, he did interfere. It was a distraction itself that Triple H came walking down the ramp. (A-HOLE! A-HOLE!) Had it not been for the distraction, the interference of Triple H, Jericho would tonight, be the WWE champion! Oh yeah, Jericho would have definitely defeated Hogan, beyond the shadow of a doubt. Just like Jericho defeated Triple H two weeks ago in this very ring. So, from now on, we are going to lay some new rules down for Triple H tonight. I don't want you, Triple H, to come anywhere near me. Ten feet is fine, no, no closer than ten feet. In addition to that, Triple H, you will do exactly as I tell you to do. And, Triple H, you will do it with a SMILE. Because, just as a reminder, Triple H, I own SmackDown! and I damn sure own you, Triple H. And if you don't do exactly as I tell you to do, starting tonight (WHAT?!), there's gonna be Hell Toupee. (WHAT?!) You can take that WHAT…"

Time to play The Game's music. Again. TRIPLE H is out to a big pop. THAR HE BLOWS! Eventually, Haitch gets in the ring and stands in one corner, Vinnie Mac and Legs on the other side.

HHH:  "Don't come within ten feet of you, huh? (TRIPLE H! TRIPLE H!) What do you think, Vince, this seems like about ten feet. So, was it ten feet (takes a step toward him) or nine feet? Or was it eight feet? Or seven? Six… what was it Vince? (now face to face) How close do I have to get before you (sarcasm) destroy me? Are you gonna destroy me, Vince? Or is everything that comes out of your mouth complete bulls(BLEEP)?"

Vince gives HHH the evil eye while the crowd pops. A priceless look. Not a lot of continuity between the close up and the two shot, though. Vince's facial expressions skipped in time, like my beat-up vinyl copy of A Young Person's Guide to King Crimson.

HHH:  "Now, quite frankly, I think it's a lie. Stacy knows it's a lie. Just like when you tell Stacy things like an old man like yourself can satisfy a 20-year-old woman. (YAY!) I mean, look at her, Vince. Look how she's looking at me. (approaches Stacy) You think that Stacy wouldn't want a young stud (closer)… who would pay close attention to… (and closer) every detail of her young body? (Stacy smiles) And who could keep her satisfied all… night… long? (Stacy swoons a bit) OR… would she want a wrinkled up old BAS(BLEEP) with bad breath and a bad toupee? (YAY!)"

Vince does the furtive hairline check while Stacy goes from swoon to scorn.

HHH:  "Come on, Vince. Stacy knows it's a lie… it's a lie when you tell Stacy things like… 'Geez, I don't know what's happened, this happens to a lot of guys.' (YAY!) Or, you know, when you're standing there, au natural and you look down and you go 'Gosh, Stacy, it's just that it's really cold in here!' (YAY!) Yeah, Vince, it's all one big lie, isn't it? But I'll tell ya what isn't a lie. It's that fact that Anna Nicole Smith over here is just waiting for the billionaire to kick the bucket so she can collect the cash. (YAY!) And I'll tell ya what: you get in my face any more, and I'm gonna speed up the process."

Ooooooh. Vince runs through some more facial expressions, then takes the mic, and Stacy's hand.

VKM:  "This ring is no place for you, Stacy. Not with what's gonna happen right now. (Stacy leaves. Vinnie Mac Angry Mode ON)  You think I'm gonna listen to your insults, PAL? Huh? You think I'm an old man? You think I won't slap you in the face?! You think I won't beat the living hell out of you?!"

HHH takes off his shirt. He's ready to open up a can on Vince, but the boss bails, and down the ramp comes the Canadian Mafia, plus BOB HOLLY and D-VON. That's TEST, CHRISTIAN and LANCE STORM representing the Great White North. They surround the ring. Then they attack ninja style. Eventually, they gang up on Haitch and punk him out. Looks like a Leafs game. And then, CHRIS JERICHO makes his merry way down the ramp. Holly powerslams HHH. Test hits the Double Nelson Trash Compactor. Jericho brings a steel chair into the ring and has a seat while the other guys hold HHH up. Jericho slaps HHH, who lunges at his archenemy. The Fatal Five manage to wrest Triple H away, and Jericho grabs the chair and delivers it upside Haitch's noggin. Vince mocks HHH over the mic while Jericho punches at HHH's bloody forehead. Walls of Jericho! Vince crawls in the ring and delivers this pronouncement:

VKM:  "You son of a b(BLEEP)! The pain you're in… Yeah! You're gonna go to hell! No doubt about that! It's Judgment Day! At Judgment Day, it's YOU and Jericho in a match! And that match is called… HELL IN THE CELL!"

Vinnie leaves to his theme, arm in arm with Stacy. HHH's face is a crimson mask, if you wee-ul. The Fatal Five leave, but Y2J doesn't want to let the hold go. Eventually, he does, so they can sell stuff. End of segment.

Not bad. Eight gets you five the Hogan match gets put in the middle of the show and this goes last. Speaking of freakin' Memphis, they get RAW next next Monday, too. Maybe Lesnar will TKO Michael Heisley through a stack of tables. Ah, if wishes were fishes…

Moments Ago! The Immo was complaining about Vancouver getting SCREWED by the Grizzlies. Oh, and HHH got his ass beat.

Next on your dance card is TAJIRI (w/TORRIE WILSON), and the first commentator that says her kimono is degrading, I'm going ape-feces. Tajiri is giving her a few extra pushes down the ramp, and she is displeased. TONY CHIMEL tells us that this is for the WWE Cruiserweight championship.

THAT'S IT. Cole just called it a humiliating geisha outfit. You want to know what's really humiliating, Cole? Even people that respect me roll their eyes when I say I'm a wrestling fan, and ask, "Man, how can you of all people watch that crap?" And I don't have a good rebuttal for them.

Plus, your billion-dollar company tapped out to The Panda.

Stand back! There's a HURRICANE coming through, and I don't mean Josef Vasicek. Cole and Tazz deride the World Wildlife Fund for making them TAP OUT to The Panda. See above.

Enough politics… let's wrestle (finally)! Tajiri offers the fingerlock, but kicks Hurricane in the gut instead, then kicks him some more. YEAH! Kick him! Kick the Hurricane! Oh, sorry, I'm still bitter over the hockey. Immo has issues. Tajiri off the ropes, but Hurricane responds with a Steinerline. Punches in bunches on the turnbuckle, and Hurricane poses, allowing Tajiri to slip under and kick him in the ass. Tajiri puts Hurricane up on his shoulders… but 'Cane jumps off. 'Cane misses with a clothesline attempt, and Tajiri hits a nasty back thrust kick. DROPKICK OF WOE! Torrie half-heatedly cheers on her master. Hurricane tires to fight back, but a kick to the leg stops that rally. Powerbomb attempt… 'Cane escapes by punching Tajiri in the head at the top of the move. Tajiri clothesline misses, and Hurricane hits a swinging DDT. Irish to the far corner, Tajiri hits chest first and staggers out backwards… silly neckbreaker. Cover for two. Irish… 'Cane applies the choke! But Tajiri pushes him away. Irish by Tajiri, reversed… HEAVY METAL ELBOW! Tajiri gives us his EVIL! look and charges at Hurricane… who responds with a hip toss over the top rope. Torrie tries to help Tajiri, but he shoves her away. Somersault plancha suicida! See, last time, Tajiri pulled Torrie into Kidman's flightpath. Now he is so consumed by EVIL! that he can't even be strategically devious. On the outside, 'Cane tries to Irish whip Tajiri into the ring itself, but gets reversed and ends up back-first into the ropes, landing in a seated position on the apron. Tajiri spins him around and kicks him in the back of the head. WAH-HA-HA! Both men back in the ring, and Tajiri is clapping, which means it's time for the Boot to the Head (na,na). Or, perhaps not. Torrie is up on the announcer's table… she takes the chopsticks out of her hair. Uh-oh. She unwraps her obi and flings it to the ground. And she takes off her kimono, revealing some kind of seafoam-coloured Victoria's Secret ensemble. Whoa, momma. She is woman, hear her roar. Tajiri is yelling at her from outside the ring, which gets him counted out (3:32). Tazz is enjoying the view. Well, I'm glad Torrie is no longer wearing something DEGRADING. Chokeslam by Hurricane! Play his music! Rather than stay to celebrate, he bails so Torrie can strut up the ramp, much to the delight of the crowd. Play her music! Tajiri is cheesed off. May we never hear of this geisha outfit nonsense again, Messrs. Cole and Tazz.

Backstage in the executive suite, it's Vince talking to Y2J, with Stacy providing visual relief.

VKM:  "Was that the perfect set-up on Triple H, or what?"

CJ:  "Vince, that was genius. It was genius. Did you see me punch him in the head, like this? (punches into palm of hand) I was pounding on his forehead… look at this blood."

Y2J shows his fist close up to Stacy, who recoils in disgust. Vince has a queasy look, too. Priceless.

CJ:  "There's blood on my hands. His blood is on my hands. And that's more than just a taste of what he's going to get at Judgment Day. Because I almost ended The Shame's career one year ago, but in The Hell in The Cell at Judgment Day, I'm gonna end his career FOR GOOD, Vince. That's it for Triple H."

VKM:  "Oh, yeah."

CJ:  "Oh, yeah."

VKM:  "You know what? Maybe we can send that career on a downward spiral here tonight. What if… what if I forced Triple H to compete in a match tonight?"

CJ:  "Tonight?"

VKM:  "Yeah, but against… hmm. Who would it be?"

RDV:  "O, testify!"

Yup, that's Reverend D-Von.

VKM:  "Our prayers are answered!"

RDV:  "O, my brother! (shakes hands with Vince)"

VKM:  "Reverend D-Von!"

RDV:  "Your prayers… O, testify, Brother Vince! The great prophet, O, a great prophet, a great salvation of a man."

VKM:  "So, then, tonight, we have Reverend D-Von one-on-one with Triple H."

RDV:  "O, yes."

VKM:  "And if Triple H refuses the match, then that's grounds for… termination."

RDV:  "Hah hah! O, yes, 'cos you see, The Man Upstairs says redemption… is O so sweet."

(Vince looks around for this Man D-Von is talking about.)

VKM:  "Is he here?"

BDV:  "Hah, hah. Brother Vince! He is ALWAYS here. O, testify!"

VKM:  "TESS-ti-faaaahhhh!!!"

SK:  "TESS-ti-FIE-AI-AI!"

CJ:  "TESS-ti-feEEEE-AI-ah! Tonight!"

Y2J points at D-Von and we quickly go to black. Hmmm. Guess that went a little long, so they cut out whatever testifE-I-E-I-Oing anyone else was going to do.

Am I missing something here? I was ready for Vince to make HHH run the gauntlet or something.

When we return from the usual litany of crappy movie ads, we see Hurricane in the dressing room, favouring his sore shoulders. In jumps AL SNOW wearing a Spiderman T-shirt.

AS:  "Hurricane! I thought I'd stop by the Hurri-cave and Hurri-congratulate you on a Hurri-match! It was so impressive to see the Hurri-choke. WOW! But… I know you haven't seen the Spiderman movie. (shoots imaginary web shooters) Now THAT was cool. And that Spiderman… HE'S a superhero."

H:  "What do you mean by that? Because if Spiderman ever went one-on-one with The Hurricane, those webs wouldn't do him ANY good."

AS:  "Really?"

H:  "'Cos he'd go to shoot them, but then my Hurri-senses would warn me."

AS:  "Really?"

H:  "I would dodge this way… I would dodge this way… this, this, this, this… he would climb up the wall. I would reach up, I would pull him down. I would grab him by the neck, and BOOM! I'd step on him like a bug and squishsquishsquishsquish. And I'd look at him, and you know what I'd say?"

AS:  "No."

H:  "I'd go, 'WHASSUPWITDAT, Spiderman?"

AS:  'Ah hah, really. You know… take it from me, okay, they have some wonderful medication these days that could really help out with things like that."

H:  "Before you go… I notice you're wearing a Spiderman shirt."

AS:  "Yes! (poses dramatically)"

H:  "But I think you'd be better served, wearing a Hurri-shirt."

Hurricane points to a shirt conveniently draped at his locker, and gives it to Al.

AS:  "Get OUTTA here! Thank you!"

H:  "No problem."

AS:  "Hey… what is THAT?"

Al points at a piece of paper attached to Hurricane's stall. It has "HURRICANE" written on it in red.

AS:  "It's a Hurri-note! You think you might have a Hurri-fan? You think maybe you could use another Hurri-woman? Let's read it."

Al snatches the note from Hurricane and reads it.

AS (reading):  "'Congratulations. Now you're a star. Unfortunately for you, I know who you are.' I don't get it."

H (taking note):  "This could be the work of that jealous Peter Parker."

AS:  "Huh huh, really."

H:  "Or it could be…"

WHOOSH! Hurricane takes off.

AS:  "Oy. I thought it was bad when I talked to a head. Things just keep getting weirder and weirder."

Ho HO! Looks like our hero has some demons from the past he must face! Who could it be? We'll find out… next week. Same Hurri-time… same Hurri-channel!

Meanwhile, under the Blue Fist of Death, it's Test. Cole says he like's to call him The Doubting Test, because he doubts the strength of Mark Henry. Pfffft. We take a video look back at Henry's feats of strength this past month.

Speaking of whom, here comes MARK HENRY (version 1.1) down the ramp, wearing that oh-so-stylish "Get the F Out" shirt. Workrate fans, now is the time to go to the fridge and… oh, they're already gone.

Collar-and-elbow tie-up, Henry shoves Test away easily. And again. Test offers the dreaded test of strength… and knees Henry in the gut. Nash-like offence in the corner. Two running clotheslines into the corner. And a third. And a short-arm clothesline, knocking Henry to the mat. Two count, and a big power out. Test swings and misses, Henry hits a clothesline. And again. Irish to the corner, charge, Test counters with a back elbow. He's going to the top… Henry catches him in mid-air and powerslams him down. Two count only. Off the ropes, splash attempt, nobody home. Test is signalling for The Big Boat… Henry ducks. Military press… can't quite get full extension on the arms, but close enough. He drops Test Warrior-style. Splash off the ropes. One… two… foot on the ropes. Henry puts Test on the top turnbuckle. He's going up! Superplex attempt, but Test punches him in the ribs and shoves him off. Test perched on the top turnbuckle… flying elbow! One… two… Henry kicks out! Test is livid. Big Boat again… caught by Henry. He spins Test around and lock in a full nelson. Going for the submission, but Test makes the ropes. Henry yanks him away. Test's arms are flailing about, and he winds up poking referee TEDDY "PEANUTHEAD" LONG in the eye. Trick knee by Test. Big Boat connects! One… two… three (3:41). Bit of a surprise there. End of segment.

WWE Judgment Day in 10 days. Flair/Show v. Austin. Hmmm… I smell intervention by Bradshaw. But for whom? And does anyone care?

Whoops, our friends at Sportsnet forgot to put up the generic content disclaimer. Watching hockey players get nailed from behind into the boards is A-OK, of course, but not scantily-clad women not playing tennis. Anyway, we're back, and that's a close-up of KURT ANGLE and his medals and his T-shirt. Kurt is kind of in La-La Land, just sitting there and daydreaming. Christian comes in, all smiles.

C:  "Hey, Kurt, did you see that? Did you see it, man? I just kicked Triple H's ass!"

KA:  "Well, actually, what I saw was Chris putting him in the Walls of Jericho."

C:  "Technically, he did, but I softened him up first. I was on top, and I was punchin' him in the head, and he was saying 'Christian, stop it, that hurts! Ouch! Ouch!' Anyways, anyways, never mind. I just want to say, brilliant move. Brilliant! Challenging Edge to a hair v. hair match at Judgment Day. Take it from me, even as a kid, he had a fear of being ugly. And now, with a bald head, he's gonna be just that. Ugly! Hah!"

KA:  "Yeah, think about it. Now, between the two of you, he's gonna be the ugly one."

C:  "Yeah, I know! Hey, man…"

Well, The Score screwed up, because it cuts to a story about how the Toronto Blue Jays are shopping outfielders (i.e. Raul Mondesi and his $10-million per year). Then we go quickly back to SD! and a frozen shot of Christian and Kurt. Huh? Maybe someone hit the wrong button earlier in the day when they took the feed off the satellite. Hmmm. Anyway, the still shot skips ahead in time a bit and we pick it up with Kurt saying…

KA:  "… I'm gonna do it tonight. Just watch… (leaves)"

C:  "All right… he's the ugly one."

In the interview area, we get MARC LA-LA-LA-LA-LOYD and his interviewees, BILLY, CHUCK and RICO. Rico looks like a cross between Bono and General Ambrose Burnside. Billy and Chuck have yet to receive their total makeover.

ML:  "Billy, Chuck, Rico, the past few weeks for you guys have been, well, really embarrassing. I mean, two weeks ago on SmackDown!, Al Snow and Maven showed the world a whole new side of Billy and Chuck."

Oh, goody, we get a video recap for good measure. Ewwww, man ass. Cole and Tazz also take us through last week's Stinkface on Rico. Hey, why are Tazz and Cole talking? This is Marc's segment. Back in the interview area, Rico is cringing.

ML:  "Now, tonight…"

B:  "Whoa! Stop right there! Who the hell do you think you are? I guess you think it's funny that you've pulled up every embarrassing piece of footage you could find on us. I guess you think it's funny that we had our pants pulled all the way down in an arena full of people (Marc smiles). I guess so, 'cos you have a smile on your face, right? WIPE IT OFF before I wipe that smile off your face for ya permanently! He (pointing at Rico) had to have 23 facials just to get that stench of Rikishi's butt off of his face!"

C:  "Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Billy, ya gotta calm down. You know what stress does to your complexion. (turns to Marc) Now listen, whoever you are. I know Maven and Rikishi and Snow have had some laughs in the last couple of weeks. But tonight, they're gonna deal with Billy, Chuck AND Rico."

R:  "That's right, boys! I'm comin' out. And comin' out, as only I can: in style. Whether it's the custom-made clothes, or the perfectly sculptured sideburns, the most stylish thing I own is a first-degree black belt in kempo karate. So as far as Al Snow, Maven and Rikishi are concerned, tonight, we're…"

It's black again. For just a second. Then we're up again just in time to see the last nanosecond of the interview, before cutting to an over-the-shoulder shot of Reverend D-Von. The shoulder we're looking over is heavily dragon-tattooed, by the way. D-Von has a length of chain in his hands, and he is cackling with righteous glee. The chain is connected to a metal box, which he places around Tattoo Guy's neck.

RDV:  "O, my brother! It is now time to go out to the ring and testify all over Triple H!"

T:  "Who the hell is that?!"

Guess we'll find out. End of segment.

D-Von is starting to grow on me. I must admit. It's kind of frustrating that the character development of the wrestlers has increased just as the whole WWE seems to be drifting in limbo, especially when it comes to putting out a PPV. Well, I've favoured being process-oriented instead of goal-oriented for while. Develop the characters, and the success will come. Unless you're the 1994 Montreal Expos, in which case your boss will take success away from you just as you reach the top.

One really long commercial break later, Jared slams back another sub, meaning it's time for the WWE Slam of the Week. Me, I like Quizno's. Earlier tonight, the Fatal Five and Jericho slam dance on Trip's head.

A cheesy Hammond organ hymnal plays as D-Von comes out with… with… SOME GUY! Actually, he's Leviathan from OVW, according to my unnamed sOOurces. D-Von has the stick.

RDV:  "O, brothers and sisters! O, I've got tonight's sermon in hand! O, testify! You see, yea, tho' I walk through this place of sinners, I fear no temptation. O, no I don't. Because you see, brothers and sisters, Reverend D-Von is a righteous man! Hah! O, I am a man with great joy! And I know, that when The Great Man Above smiles upon me, he'll be smilin' because I tried to help you sinners and backsliding people. But lo and behold, brothers and sisters, there has been another follower. That's right. This follower will be here to protect the D-Von Building Fund. That's right. I want everybody to get up outta you seats, put your hands together for DEACON BAUTISTA!"

His left arm has big Chinese characters on it that read tianshi, or "angel" for all you decadent Westerners.

T:  "They must have some good gyms in church, huh?"

RDV:  "Yo, Deacon! Keep one eye on the box, as well as the other eye on the ring. Because Brother D-Von is about to beat the sin out of Triple H."

Speaking of whom, coming out to the abbreviated version of his theme (thank goodness) is HHH, bandage on head, limpin' ain't easy. Looks like he trimmed his beard during the break, as well.

Let's get it on! D-Von charges before the bell, but H ducks and lays into D-Von with a series of punches. Irish, back body drop. Irish, ducks the head, eats the boot. D-Von off the ropes… Spine on the Pine! Two count. H with punches in the corner. Irish, arm wringer reversal, hot shot on the top turnbuckle by D-Von. Running clothesline. Two count. D-Von rains punches upon H's furrowed brow. H staggers to his feet. Double sledge to the skull knocks H back down. H fights back again, but an eye gouge stops that momentum. Dumped through the ropes, where the Deacon gets in a punch, the head to the steel steps and a nasty running clothesline while the ref is distracted by D-Von. H is tossed back into the ring, into a cover and a two count. Tazz shills for the Deacon. Snap mare, off the ropes, flying elbow. D-Von on the second ropes, flying clothesline. Two count only. Choke across the second rope. Snap mare, knee drop. D-Von going upstairs… flying headbutt misses! D-Von with a clothesline attempt, H ducks… silly neckbreaker. H goes outside for a steel chair. He lays it on the apron, then the Deacon comes over and lays in some rights. He charges… into the steel! H back in as the ref disposes of the chair. D-Von goes for the clothesline, H ducks, boot to the gut, Pedigree time…  Deacon is discussing the Nestorian schism with the ref. In comes Y2J with the Halliburton… er, the collection box, upside H's cranium. D-Von crawls over… one… two… three! (4:29). Big upset for the Reverend. Cole blasphemes as D-Von's arm is raised. An EMT checks to Haitch's forehead as we go to commercial. End of segment.

All right! Good stuff there. Good character and plot development. Immo is pleased with the first hour of SmackDown! this week. What untold fortunes will the second hour bring? Well, you know already, you've read the spoilers, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU? Frick.

Second hour starts with a look back at FOUR MINUTES AGO, in case you forgot Triple H got punked out. Or maybe you were watching America's Funniest Car Chases instead. Shame on you. You can watch the last half of a baseball game, but not WWE SmackDown! Nuh-uh.

Ladies and Gemmumun, Mr. U. Suck. The crowd chants his name as he walks down the ramp for some more babble, burble, banter, bickerbickerbicker, brouhaha, balderdash and ballyhoo. But it's only talk.

KA:  "As many of you know, at Judgment Day, I will be facing my old pal Edge (WHAT?!) in a hair v. hair match. (WHAT?!) What that means (WHAT?!) in case any of you are confused, here in the crowd, (WHAT?!) which it looks like you are… (WHAT?!) what that means (WHAT?!) is that the loser of this match (WHAT?!) gets his head shaved bald. (WHAT?!) Now, Edge, I know you can be somewhat of a wisenheimer, but I just want to tell you that two can play that game. (U. SUCK! U. SUCK!) Would you please show the graphic of what Edge looks like now?"

We see Edge's sour puss on the Whee!Tron.

KA:  "Nice, full, thick head of hair, good looking man. Respectful. Now, let's take a look at what Edge is gonna look like after I'm through with him at Judgment Day."

Looks like they took Steve Austin's pate and superimposed it on top of Edge's. Not a pretty sight. The crowd boos.

KA:  "Mr. Clean lives! And ladies, he's single! This is fun, this is fun. Hey, let's go back to the way Edge looks now."

We get a different shot on the Whee!Tron, this time of a smiling Edge.

KA:  "Okay, let's compare this, okay? Everybody see. Okay. Now, let's go back, or, actually, let's go forward, to the way Edge is going to look like after I kick his butt and shave his head at Judgment Day."

Unbeknownst to Angle, because his back is to the screen, is that a shot of a spear bald Olympic Hero has been put on the screen. The crowd roars its approval. Actually, he looks pretty good. Needs to tan that dome, though.

KA:  "Is that hideous or what? Now that is a dork. That is the single most dorkiest thing I've…"

Kurt finally turns around and sees what the rest of us see. He's nonplussed.

KA:  "Dammit, Edge! I know you're behind this! Take this stupid crap off, put what I had back on! Do it now! Do it now!"

The next shot on the Whee!Tron is the ever-popular "YOU SUCK" logo. The crowd likes it. Angle doesn't.

KA:  "That's it, Edge, I'm really mad now. You think you're so funny! You think you're so good lookin'. Well, let's see how the chicks respond when you're a big, stupid, bald-headed FREAK!! Let's go, Edge! I'm through with this! You come out here right now, and face me like a man! Let's go!"

Well… it ain't Rob Zombie, it's the WAH PEDAL OF DOOM bringing us, all the way from Electric Ladyland, HULK HOGAN (Slight Return). Wisely, he is on foot this time. He makes his way to the ring, doing his thing. Cole nearly spooges himself letting us know it's the WWE undisputed champion, as if we didn't know.

HH:  "You know something, Angle? You got a problem with bald people, brother? Don't you know that bald people represent some of the greatest champions this industry's ever seen? I'm talkin' about Superstar Billy Graham. I'm talkin' about The Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin. And, oh yeah, there's one other guy that fits that description."

Hogan pulls of his do-rag and mugs for Edge. Hey, you forgot The Iron Sheik! Ivan Koloff! Bastion Booger! Well, he was Stampede's North American champion…

HH (pointing at skull):  "Take a good look at it, Angle. The way you're goin', this is gonna be you pretty soon, brother. And if Edge doesn't get'cha at Judgment Day, well, quite apparently, Mother Nature will."

Hogan looks down at Angle's head and gives it a rub. Angle recoils and pats his hair. Hogan mimics him. The crowd chants for Ol' Red 'n Yeller.

KA:  "Oh yeah? Well, I hope The Undertaker kicks your butt real good. And just so you know, Hogan, if The Undertaker doesn't take that title from you, I will! And one more thing, Hogan. There's only one Real American in this company: ME! Y'see, while you were saying your prayers and taking your vitamins, I was training to become the single most success story that modern-day athletics has ever seen. So if you don't mind, why don't you just kiss my you-know-what?"

Hogan immediately levels Angle with a right hand, then several more, then an Irish Whip and the Boot to the Head, knocking Angle out of the ring. Play Jimi's music! Kurt bails while Hogan begs for him to come back, pointing at his spear…

SPEAR! SPEAR! Edge comes out from the entrance and spears Angle at the top of the ramp. Play Rob Zombie's music! Hogan gives him the thumbs-up. End of segment.

Another twist to our ongoing story. Good stuff. Episodic, with continuity. As a soap opera should be. As long as the story gets told in the ring, of course, and not in some cheesy parking lot vignette.

RVD's at the 7-11 again. Huh huh. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh huh.

After another egregiously long commercial break, some band called 12 Stones has the theme to Judgment Day. Never hear of them. Are they anything like Style Council?

Back in the executive suite, looks like Y2J, Stacy and Vince have been standing there for the past half-hour.

CJ:  "I gotta be honest with you, Vince, I've had a great night so far. I've taken out Triple H a couple of times…"

Kurt Angle storms in, hotter than Escalon in late July. He grabs Vince by the arm.

KA:  "Hey, did you see that? Did you see what just happened? Hogan made fun of me, and Edge speared me! That's it, I want Hogan in a match tonight. I want him tonight! No, no, nonono, I want Edge! I want Edge tonight in a match! I want him right now!"

VKM:  "Well, make up your mind. Do you…"

KA:  "Nonononono, I want Hogan! I want Hogan tonight in a match! I wanna kick his butt! Nonono, I don't wanna wait 'til the pay-per-view, I want Edge!"

VKM:  "Whoawhoawhoa, all right, okay. All right. Tell you what I'll do. Calm down. All right? You're our Olympic Hero, calm down, dammit! Tonight, I'm gonna give you both Hogan and Edge."

KA:  "Wh-wh… whaddaya mean, a handicap match?"

VKM:  "A handicap match? No! I'm gonna give them a tag team match: Edge and Hogan v. Angle… and Jericho."

KA:  "Oh! Okay, all right!"

VKM:  "Well, let's say, gentlemen, let's get it on."

KA:  "Let's do it! All right!"

#  Yoooooouuuuuu looooooook sooooooo… goodtome.  # Chucky does his dance while the Twinkletoes Troika make their way down the ramp. Two heavy-set kids in the crowd have signs saying "I (Heart) Billy" and "I (Heart) Chuck." What, nothing for Rico? His funky suit is brought to you by Panasonic, Quaker State and "The New Guy." Starring Henry Rollins!

Entering to the theme of TE, it's your Faces in Peril Before They Even Hit the Ring, Al Snow and MAineVENt. Casting for TE3 is underway. Joy. RIKISHI joins the happy crew, giving us pause to view yet another Stinkface recap on Rico.

Yay, wrestling. Chuck and Al start. Go behind by Snow, trips a leg to being Chuck down to his stomach, and he's going for the shorts already. Nooooo! Chuck scrambles away, thankfully. Chuck fires away with punches and a kick. Al fights back. Side headlock by Snow. Pushed into the ropes, Snow hits a shoulderblock on the rebound. Off the side ropes, Chuck drops down, Al hops over. Chuck goes for a waistlock, and Al pins his arms in and does the repeated headbutts to the chest spot. Irish to the far corner, reversed, Al does the baseball slide, turns around and charges back. Al ducks a clothesline, kicks Chucky in the gut. Al off the ropes, cross-body block. Cover, one count. Snow tags in Rikishi. Chuck hits three punches and goes for the discus punch, but Rikishi blocks it and nails Chuck with a thunderous right, sending him to the mat. And another. Irish, big clothesline. And one for Billy as he charges in. And he knocks Rico off the apron for good measure. Chuck with the poke in the eye, and tags the recovered Rico. His first official ring time includes a couple of punches and a kick. Irish, reversed, Rikishi drops the head… sunset flip by Rico, but Rikishi ain't moving anywhere. He' signalling for a butt drop, but Billy makes the save with a bulldog. Stomps by Billy, as the ref never saw the non-tag. Irish by Billy, reversed, clothesline attempt ducked. Off the far ropes, Billy leapfrogs as Rikishi ducks the head. Big clothesline by Rikishi send Billy spinning to the mat. Rikishi tags in Maven. Big pop from the ladies. Maven with some punches, off the ropes, Rico kicks him in the head instead. Maven goes after Rico, who ducks, and Maven gets flattened by a clothesline by Billy when he turns around. Silly Maven. Billy tags Chuck. Two clotheslines. Into the corner, Chuck drives his shoulder into Maven's gut. Repeatedly. Heel offence. Chuck berates the ref, so Maven recovers with a series of rights. Irish to the far corner, but Chuck reverses and whips Maven back whence he came. Charge… Maven ducks out of the way. Maven attacks, but Chuck hits the Scott Steineresque belly-to-belly, which Tazz brands the Chuck Deluxe. Two count. Chuck tags in Rico and holds Maven up so Rico can get a kick in. Head to the turnbuckle. Three kicks in the corner, then Rico hops onto the second turnbuckle and springs up enough to hit a Suave inside roundhouse to the chops. Rico celebrates, allowing Maven to recover. Maven mounts some offence, but Billy comes in to break it up with a shove, and Rico runs like a little girl to tag Chuck. But he also gets in a boot to Maven before he exits. Chuck hoists Maven up on his shoulder and aims for the far corner… bad idea, as Maven slides off. DDT by Maven. Both men are down. Can you feel the tension build? Chuck tags Billy. Maven tags Al. Al tags Billy with a right hook. More punches. Irish, back elbow. Punches to the gut, and one each for Chuck and Rico on the apron. He goes back to Billy, but gets a boot to the gut. Irish to the corner by Billy, reversed. Sort of a Rydeen Bomb by Snow. Two count, Chuck makes the save. Chuck nails Rikishi on the apron, and superkicks Al right out of the ring. Rikishi ain't havin' none of that. He comes in and hits a big Samoan Drop on Chuck, and a savate kick of his own, sending Chuck to the floor. Rico attacks with a forearm to the back. Uh-oh…  Rikishi and Maven play pinball with Rico's skull. Maven with an Irish to the corner. Rikishi charges… big butt splash! Rico slumps down in the corner. Why, you know what that means. So does the crowd, who loves it. Raise the roof! Ah, but Chuck knocks Rikishi out of the ring. Al Snow comes in with a charge of his own, but Rico hits a leg lariat and bails. Billy in now… Fameasser! Game over. (5:30). Big ups for Rico in limited action. And no man ass. Well, except for Rikishi. End of segment.

Raw in Edmonton, SmackDown! in Calgary…  Backyard Mayhem Wrestling Hour in Viking.

Back again at the interview spot with M. Loyd and RANDY ORTON. Chicks dig Cowboy Ace Mechanic Henchman Jr.

ML:  "What a roller-coaster you have been on the last few weeks. Two weeks ago, you make your debut, your tryout match here in the WWE against Hardcore Holly, and you scored a huge upset. Let's take a look at it."

They look down at a presumed monitor while Cole again recaps the recap. Weird. Recap includes last week's Alabama Slam on the ramp.

ML:  "Man. But after seeing that footage, Randy, I admire you for just having enough guts to show up tonight."

RO:  "Marc, my Dad, he's been along, uh, with me throughout my career thus far, and he's taught me that opportunities, they don't come along very often in this business. Now, uh, the bumps and the bruises, you gotta forget about 'em. Basically, you gotta go out there and perform. That's your Number One job, that's what I've learned so far. And, I…"

And he's learning how to read off cue cars on the floor. Speaking of charisma, here's Lance Storm sorting the latest in Get The F Out outerwear.

LS:  "That's what you've learned. That's what you're sharing with us. Perhaps you can expand on that, share a little more from this wealth of knowledge you seem to have acquired in… what is it, Randy, three weeks? Can I be serious for a minute? I'm sick and tired of hearing how you're the 'Future Superstar' around here. How you're a cant-miss prospect. Truth is, you've had this business handed to you on a silver platter. Hell, Kurt Angle was right. Here I am, one of the greatest athlete's Canada's ever produced. One of the finest wrestlers to grace a WWE ring. What have I been relegated to? Placing bets on whether Mark Henry could roll up a frying pan. Well, not any more. Because tonight, I take my opportunity. I show the world what I can do. Tonight, I prove that I'm better than you."

RO:  "We'll just have to see about that, now won't we?"

Ah, if Gielgud and Guinness had been wrestlers… it would have been way better than what we just saw. But not nearly as good as RAW. Let's recap the whole bike fiasco. Edited, of course. Still looks lame. Maybe if they had lit some pyro under the bike at the same time it was getting run over… yeah, that's the ticket.

Hogan/Edge v. Angle/Jericho, later tonight! Now, watch my Mom trim the hedges! And Kelly Hu is damn fine! End of segment.

Another dose of Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly K-E-L-L-Y during the ad break. Suh-weet. It's hard to tell which ads are part of the break and which are part of the segment sometimes.

Time for your WWE Burn of the Night, brought to you by EPHEDRINE! Feel the burn? THAT'S YOUR HEART! Torrie takes off the kimono. Yeah! Fire down below!

Randy Orton makes his way down the ramp, along with some really obvious Canned Heat. In fact, I can almost hear the harmonica in the background. Dontcha cry no more. Dontcha cry no more.

Storm comes out with a big Body Glove on his right arm. Cole notes that there is no referee in the ring. Well, how ya like me now? Bob Holly is your special referee for this match. Heh heh. Holly looks really goofy in the full ref shirt over top of his regular trunks.

It's fun time. Collar and elbow, Storm immediately with a go-behind and a forearm to the back. Punches, Irish, clothesline is ducked, Orton with a flying jalapeno. Punches, chops and a European uppercut in the corner by Orton. More punches. Holly wants a break. Orton turns to yell at him, and Storm nails another forearm to the back. Irish, Calgary Sidekick! Kneelift, and a head vice, while standing on the leg to keep the opponent on his knees. Nice. Orton fights out. Irish to the corner, reversed. Lance charges, eats a back elbow. Orton with a big clothesline. Back elbow. Clothesline. Irish, nice dropkick by Orton. Here's the cover. Ooooooooone… Twooooooooo, Storm kicks out. Tazz says bursitis is a problem in Alabama. Irish by Orton, ducks the head, eats the boot. Lance charges… into a powerslam! Here's the cover. Ooooooooooooone… T… Storm kicks out. Irish, arm wringer reversal by Storm into a fireman's carry and a Regal Roll. Or should that be a Carpentier Roll? Anyway, here's the cover. Onetwo… Orton kicks out. Cole blames everything that's happening on Vinnie Mac. Storm puts Orton up on the top turnbuckle. Going for a top rope superplex, but Orton hangs onto the rope and fights off. A poke to Storm's eye sends Lance down to the mat, while Orton slips off himself. Fortunately for our hero, he held onto the top rope as he was falling. Not only did he save his ass, he was able to get right back up onto the turnbuckle. BIG flying cross body! Here's the cover! Oooooone… Twoooooo… Storm kicks out. Reverse jawbreaker by Storm. Orton goes for a kick, Storm catches the boot. Orton tries the enzuigiri, but Storm ducks and procures the Maple Leaf! Cole says he calls it the Straight Shooter. Yeah, whatever. Orton screaming in pain. He's crawling toward the ropes… agonizingly, only inches away… Holly puts his foot on the rope and pushes it a few extra inches away from Orton's outstretched hand… and he taps. (4:13). Heh heh. EVIL! Holly and Storm put the boots to Orton while he's down. Huh? THE BIG VALBOWSKI makes the save. This stems from last week, you see. Ahhhhh, continuity.

Back in the dressing rooms, we see a close up of some Hulk Hogan merchandise. HH ain't home. Who can it be knocking at his door? Why, it's Edge.

E:  "Hulk? Hulkster? Hulk? (spies merchandise) Whoa. This is cool. Wait… (looks around) I gotta do it."

Edge puts on the do-rag and the boa feathers and checks his look in the mirror.

E:  "Well, let me tell ya somethin', brother! I've been trainin', sayin' my prayers, and eatin' my vitamins! I've been hangin' and bangin' for 40 days and 40 nights on the Titanic, brother! I hopped on the back of a great white shark, grabbed it by its dorsal fin, with the largest arms in… (looks at own arms) with some pretty big arms! And I said, 'What'cha gonna do, brother?'"

He hits the requisite Hulk poses, turns around, and, of course, sees Hogan standing there.

E:  "…hey. (pause) Hulk Rules."

Edge hands him back his boas.

HH (sotto voce):  "Just for the record, Edge, it goes like this: (forte) Well, let me tell ya somethin', brother! I've been trainin', sayin' my prayers, and eatin' my vitamins! So let's go out there, dude, and show 'em what it's like to really, REALLY reek of awesomeness, BROTHER!"

Hulk leaves. All that's missing is Edge giving Hulk his bottle of Coca-Cola, and Hulk throwing his shirt back to Edge in return.

E:  "Hoo. That was so cool! He called me 'brother'!"

And it's next, Immomaniacs! By the way, while Edge was at SkyDome for WMVI, I was at a bar in Ottawa. I was in the half of the packed crowd chanting "WUH-REE-UH!" while the other half chanted "HO-GUN! HO-GUN!" Now Edge is in the show, and I'm writing about it. Advantage, Fans of Hogan.

Into the home stretch now. Ya still with me? Good.

The Theme from Angle plays as we come up on the main event. Angle comes out by himself, to a chorus of U. Suck. Hey, he gets pyro and a two-year-long push. Y2J comes out next. Cole says he smells a rat, because Jericho has never been inside that steel, and yet is very confident going into Judgment Day.

You think you know me. AGHFKHGAFHGFHAAAAKKKKGFGH!!! Strobes of Unusual Candlepower burn your retinas and let you know Edge is here. And, of course, Jimi Hendrix.

Let's get it awn! Hogan and Angle start with a staredown. Angle with a right. No effect. Another. And another. Hogan blocks the fourth and unloads the rights. Irish. Running clothesline. Elbowdrop and a cover already. Y2J comes in to make the save, but Hogan moves and Jericho drops the elbow on his partner instead. Hogan punches Jericho, who retreats. Bodyslam on Angle. Two more elbows. Hogan aims for a third, but instead rips of his do-rag and throws it at Angle. Eye rake with the boot. Double-thrust chop. Head to the turnbuckle. Face offence in the corner. Hogan wants Edge to lift up the boot. He rams Angle's head therein. OLD SCHOOL! Tag to Edge. Double Irish, double back elbow. Tazz muses that we are all closet Hulkamaniacs. Edge and Angle trade blows. Irish by Edge. Leg lariat. Punch and a chop. Irish, reversed, HYOOGE overhead belly-to-belly by Angle. Nice. Tag to Y2J. Boot to the gut. Head to the turnbuckle. Chops, Irish to the far corner, Edge gets the boot up. Flying dropkick! And…

And my video capture drops a bunch of frames and craps out. Frick! So, according to the spoilers, Triple H comes out and whacks everybody with his sledgehammer. All five of 'em, including Tim White. Vince comes down and goads H, offering a free shot at him with the sledge. He swings! And misses as Vince drops down just in time. Jericho pastes Triple H with a chairshot, and the show's over.

Well. A good show, sorry about the anticlimactic recap ending. Immo thanks you for your patience and understanding.

I leave you with a verse from an editorial that ran in The Globe and Mail on Saturday, May 11.

"Our group was no match for the pandas and moose.

We smelled something cooking -- and it was our goose.

There's nothing the fiercest pro wrestler can do

When scuffling with grebes or the dreaded dwarf shrew."

Wheeeeee!

Peace.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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