by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

DAG, YO. The Immolator here. Last time for me to satisfy your SD! jones — once more unto the breech and all that. I’ll explain after. 

Attitude. Entertainment. Wheeeeeeee!

Old Judgment Day theme footage rejigged to cover the important events from Sunday. But no Amish Undertaker.

The Beautiful People include Trish in her red bra and panties. Beauty, eh?

We’re taped! at the BancorpSouth Center in Tupelo, MS. MICHAEL COLE shills us off the bat that Hogan is retiring tonight. “Farewell Address,” says the chyron. Tupelo: birthplace of Elvis, resting place of Hulkamania, says Cole. TAZZ concurs.

Time to play The Game’s music. Ah, yes, heavy rotation indeed. TRIPLE H comes out in his gear to a huge pop. A strangely disconnected huge pop. Cripes, looks like the arena fits about 350 patrons, and sounds like 20,000 are screaming for THAR HE BLOWS!! Continuity, people.

Hey, it’s LANCE STORM! It’s a match! And Storm comes out first because he’s Champion of the World! YEAH! Or, because he has the mic.

LS:  “If I could be serious for a minute (BOO!) Triple-H, you may think you achieved a great victory over my fellow Canadian Chris Jericho (WHAT?!) Sunday night at Hell in a Cell. But all you really proved is that you aren't the impressive athletic competitor you claim to be.  (WHAT?!) You're a barbaric, bloodthirsty animal. (WHAT?!) And you're about to be taught a severe lesson. (WHAT?!) Like only a true ring technician can do. (WHAT?!)”

Storm charges the ring and immediately gets levelled by a big right hand. And another. Irish, clothesline is ducked, H hits the high knee on the rebound. He’s limping now, selling the effects of HitC. Short-arm clothesline. Second attempt is turned into a jawbreaker by Storm. Neck snap over the top rope. Shades of Randy Savage! Series of right hands. Irish, Storm ducks the head, eats the facebuster. H applies a big ol’ choke. Irish, reversed, sweet dropkick by Storm. Into the turnbuckle. Series of back elbows. Into the far turnbuckle. Stompin’ away… foot against the throat. Ah, the role of the heel. H is all juicy. BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW! Yes, commentary team, we get the story already about how vicious Hell in a Cell is, give it a rest. More heel violence. Whoa, springboard clothesline off the top rope by Storm! Shades of Brian Pillman! Two count. More heel violence. H rebounds. Knee, punches, Irish to the corner, reversed, Storm hits the corner hard chest-first, stumbles back out, gets the silly neckbreaker. SPINE ON THE PINE! Two count. Irish, Storm ducks the right… savate kick to the button! Here it comes… half Boston crab! Maple Leaf! “Straightshooter,” if you wee-ul. Ah, heck, H got to the ropes. Another savate kick! Storm’s going up top… what’s this? The nefarious Triple H pushes referee MIKE CHIODA into the ropes, causing Storm to crotch himself on the top. Pedigree, Game Over. (5:49) Cole says it only took one mistake from Storm. What? Haitch CHEATED! C’mon…

Backstage, we see CHRISTIAN seated, while KURT ANGLE (we presume) paces back and forth. The camera is down low so we don’t see Kurt’s head, m’kay? Visualize with me, people. Nice new duds on Kurt, BTW. Love the retro look.

C:  “You're absolutely sure you want to do this?”

KA:  “I don't want to, but I have to go out there tonight. Do me a favour -- touch these.”

Christian thinks Angle is talking about his qiuqiu, as we say back on the mainland.

C (disgusted):  “Dude!”

KA:  “No, no, these. (holds out medals) Feel it. That’s real gold.”

C:  “I know. It's heavy!”

KA:  “I didn't get to wear these babies by backing down. I have to treat tonight as a positive. Going out there tonight will be one of the most courageous things I've ever done, as if I wasn't enough of a hero already.”

C:  “If you want to look at this as a positive, at least these people won't be chanting "You suck." They'll be chanting, "You're bald!" Heh heh.

Christian starts signing to the tune of Angle’s Theme.

C:  “# You’re bald/You’re bald… # That’s kind of catchy…”

He (presumably) sees that Angle is not happy.

C:  “I mean… you’re # Baldly/Handsome/In a/Manly way… # (sheepish) Good luck out there, Kurt.”

Camera pedestals up to show Angle, but he’s holding up a mirror so we don’t see his head.

KA:  “All right, Angle. Let's do this.”

Ho-HO! Hirsute humour, next! End of segment.

No time for witty mid-segment banter and repartee today. Plus, my video is dropping frames like an exotic dancer drops E. Not that I’d know about that personally, of course. EEEEEEEEEEEE!

Backstage, TEST works today! Checkin’ himself out in the mirror. STACY KEIBLER wants some of that.

SK:  “Hi.”

TEST:  “Hi, Stacy.”

SK:  “Mr. McMahon would like you to do a favour for him tonight.”

TEST:  “I can't do the type of favours you do for Mr. McMahon…”

SK:  “No, no, it's not like that. I think he's jealous of Randy Orton because he's young, attractive, has a good body… but, besides all that. He wants you to take care of Randy Orton tonight.”

TEST:  “I'll do it. And I'll go and get ready. But… how about I take care of you first?”

Snoochie boochies! Test plants the Canadian Liplock right on Stacy. I see tongue! Well, maybe not. Close enough. Better watch out, those on-screen romances often spill over into real life… (wink wink)

Back in the tiny, tiny arena, the Theme from Angle plays… where’s Angle? Hmmm. Shy, perhaps? Let’s play it again. Ah, here he is… BWAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! He’s wearing a Hell Toupee, kept on with amateur-style wrestling headgear. I love this guy. I wonder how many “Your Bald” signs are in the audience. One, at least. He speaks…

KA:  “Well, well, well. People say it was a damned near miracle when I won the Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin' neck. But this is almost tops it. I mean it's amazing what hair supplements will do for you these days. Less than a week, I was able to regrow my hair to its beautiful natural state. Nice medium brown, a little curl. I even let it grow out a little just for kicks. I'm sorry that people paid good money to see some bald pathetic loser crying in the middle of the ring. But look on the bright side: there's always Hollywood Hulk Hogan to look forward to tonight. As for me, Edge may have got a quick fluke victory over me at Judgment Day… but your Olympic hero will not be anyone's object of ridicule. I'm going to go in the back and try on some brand new mousse I just bought. So, if you'll excuse me…”

Hmmm. Of all people, MAineVENt has the stick. Check out the new blue SmackDown! shirt. Wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that baby. Unless I were wrestling on the show, of course…

M:  “Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. Now it's absolutely none of my business, but I mean to tell you there's no shame in being bald. And to be perfectly honest with you, it's not that bad. Who knows you might even look better! (giggling) But Kurt, do yourself a favour. Take that ridiculous Elton John-looking rug off your head and just be yourself. I mean, your fans -- they're not going to make fun of you! (YAY!) I mean, you people want to see Kurt angle in his natural state? Right? (YAY!)”

KA:  “Excuse me. Do I know you? Do you work here or something? Oh! You're that guy that won some contract on MTV or something. That's real impressive. But do you have any idea who you're talking to? (WHAT?!) I'm Kurt Angle! THE Kurt Angle! You think that is wig? You want it off my head so badly? Why don't you come down here and remove it yourself! (YAY!)”

Yah, so Maven runs into the ring and gets his arse handed to him.

T:  “Watch out, those hair supplements, they make you nutty…”

Maven rebounds with his occasionally good-looking dropkick, and goes for the headgear.

T:  “No, don’t pull the hair, it’s real hair!”

Angle plants Maven with a belly-to-back and vamooses, but EDGE runs down the ramp and plows into Angle. Now Edge is going for the Hell Toupee. But Christian makes the save. I smell tag team match! End of segment.

When we come back, Stacy is dancing on the commentary table. A little sumpin’ sumpin’. Tazz talks about zippers and buttons again. Saturday on Velocity: Trish v. Stacy, bra and panties for the belt! And next week, Jell-O-Mania!

So, in lesser matters, it’s Test v. RANDY ORTON. With Stacy giving commentary. Except her voice is about 50 decibels lower than Cole and Tazz, which must drive the people that have to dub all that fake crowd noise over everything nuts. Nash-like offence from Test, Orton fights back with some dropkicks, Immo daydreams about Hakushi hitting the Space Flying Tiger Drop on Bret Hart. Not that I can do any better, of course. Double nelson into a slam by Test. One, two… ah ,the evil Test picks up Orton at two. And he gets in the face of referee TEDDY “PEANUTHEAD” LONG for good measure. Test goes for The Big Boat, but Orton ducks and Test’s testes meet the top rope. Boingy-boingy-boingy… Clotheslines by Orton. Third attempt is ducked, but Orton hits a shoulderblock on the rebound. It looks really stupid when the crowd ooohs and ahhhhs but everyone in the background is just sitting there, stone-faced. Orton’s going straight up to the top, oh yeah. Up where the air is fresh and clean. Test tries to join him, but gets shoved back down to the mat. Flying cross-body…  Test rolls through! One… two… no! Orton kicks out. Test is ready to coldcock Peanuthead, but Orton intercedes with punches and an Irish… armwringer reverse into a knee to the gut by Test. Double nelson again…  again? No, Orton reverses with that Marc Mero roll-up, the one where he booted Austin in the face, if I recall. Two count. Test sends Orton shoulder-first into the steel. Test charges… Orton moves. Small package for two. Full nelson by Test… Orton reverses again (!) by ducking down and doing kind of a victory roll thingy, but with the legs around the waist instead of the head. Silly move, really. But a two count, nonetheless. Orton goes for a clothesline, but Test hangs on to that right arm and turns it into a dragon sleeper… Roll of the Dice! That’s it. (3:31) Not that bad of a match, really. I just found the canned noise was so ridiculously canned that it distracted me. End of segment.

On the flipside, hey, did you hear? Hogan is retiring tonight! And MARC “Get the L Out” LOYD talks at the reason why, THE UNDERTAKER. Let’s listen.

ML:  “Undertaker… your title to win over Hollywood Hulk Hogan this past Sunday at Judgment Day has had serious ramifications. And…”

UT:  “You done? I thought you might be. Now, listen, this is how the story goes. I told the world what I was going to do. I told the world that I would be judge, jury and executioner of Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Hulkamania. I am the WWE undisputed champ. Do you know what that means? That means that I am the best in the world. That I am alone at the top of the ladder. It means that I am the man to beat. And I'm sure there are several superstars out there that aspire to be undisputed champion. But to have that particular distinction… (WHAT?!) they have to step into my yard and look evil in the eye and take this title from me. (WHAT?!) I don't see anybody out there who is ready to step up to take that challenge.”

ML:  “Sir, this past Monday on RAW, less than 24 hours after winning the title, some might say that you lost the title to Rob Van Dam.”

UT:  “Who?”

ML:  “Well, we’d like your comments on some very interesting footage.”

Cripes, RAW truly blows if they are going to call that a title switch. Anyway, the two look at an alleged monitor, while we get a very, very long recap of Monday’s events.

UT:  “And your point is? You're some kind of little smart a(bleep), aren't you. Listen: Ric Flair said that due to poor officiating, the match never ended. So the match continued. The match continued. And I am the WWE undisputed champion. If that's all right with you. If it is, can I get back to the reason why I'm here in the first place? I came to watch the end result of my handiwork. I came to see the death of Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Hulkamania. If that's all right with you.”

Yeah, Loyd. If that is your real name.

Meanwhile, in a nearby dressing room, RICO polishes up his Tag Team title belt. In walk BILLY and CHUCKY. They barely hide their displeasure.

C:  “Rico.”

B:  “What's going on?”

R (putting away belt): “Nuthin’…”

C:  “What are ya doin’?”

R:  “I'm just finishing getting dressed.”

B:  “Hey, hold on. Before you do that: about last Sunday at Judgment Day. I hope you're not getting too attached to that gold there.”

R:  “What, this?”

B:  “Yeah.”

R:  “Noooo… no way. I know it's just temporary. It was a fluke, you know. I was champion by default. I’ll have you know, it kills me to have to wear this thing. I mean, see this gold? It doesn't go with any of my clothes. Look at this. (puts it on shoulder) It looks horrible on me. Looks horrible. You guys should be champions. In fact, you guys deserve to be champions.”

C:  “Just remember who brought you to the dance.”

R:  “I know who brought me to the dance. But don't worry. Somehow, some way, I'm going to prove that I'm still faithful to you guys. Now, come on. What do you say! Come on!”

Group hug! Billy and Chucky give Rico a pat on the back, but also give each other the all-knowing eye.

B:  “You prove it.”

R:  “I will.”

As Billy and Chucky leave, Rico goes back to admiring the belt. The jolly, candy-like belt. Note that Chucky was audible today for a change.

Ah, this must be our weekly “chain-of-interviews-and-backstage-vignettes” segment. A palette-cleanser, if you wee-ul. CHRIS JERICHO is limping around backstage, until he bumps into FAAROOQ.

CJ:  “Ah, Faarooq, this is perfect, you’re just the man I've been looking for.”

F:  “Man, are you high? Or drunk? I know what it is, you just got hit too many times in the heayud at Heyull in a Ceyull.”

CJ:  “First of all, I’m not high. Second of all, yeah, I got hit in the head too many times, obviously I got the beating of my lifetime and four days later I have to work? I have to work tonight?? That's ridiculous. I've got a pounding headache. I can barely walk. No wonder Mick Foley retired after his Hell in a Cell match. It’s a brutal, barbaric match. I’ve got stitches in my head, I got stitches in my arm, I got bumps and bruises, and most importantly of all, I have no desire to fight anyone tonight. So I need some protection.”

F:  “Protection?”

CJ:  “Yeah, protection. Isn't that what you do, protect people? Let's not make this a tough negotiation. Okay? I've got a lot of money. Just tell me how much I have to pay you, because I don't want to defend myself tonight.”

F:  “Listen, man, the only thing you better pay is attention. (leaves)”

CJ:  “What's that supposed to mean? What are you talking about?!”

He’s talking about MARK HENRY, apparently.

MH:  “Hey, Sugar Britches! You sure do got a pretty face. It’s a damn shame it’s gonna have to get all busted up -- by me. Ha, ha, ha!”

Ho HO! Up next, Maven/Edge, Angle/Christian! End of segment.

The closed caption capture deleted the references about “high,” just so ya know. On purpose, or just the usual Raymond Stereo problems? Hmmm… otherwise, sorry about the occasional condensation they do, as well. I don’t have time to fill in all the blanks for you this time. Next time, I’m sure CRZ or his ilk will do better.

Yay, wrestling. Searing eyeballs first, then Maven. Christian gets a full theme and pyro as well, making life worth living. Tazz says he loves the golden showers. Huh? Ewwwwww… Christian won’t got to the ring alone, smart cookie. He waits for Angle. They charge the ring as both faces turn their backs. Chumps.

Angle and Edge start. Stomps by Angle. Tazz digs the hair supplements. Irish, reversed, leg lariat by Edge. Clothesline by Angle, ducked, Edge with, um, a sit-out Implant DDT. What’s next, the sit-out thumb to the eye? Nope, next is Edge going for the headgear, but Angle runs on his knees to make the tag. Christian with forearms and stomps. Irish, Edge slides through the legs and hits the one-leg flapjack. Tag to Maven Gibson. Forearms, Irish, ducks the head, eats the boot. Christian off the ropes… leg lariat by Maven. He’s improving, gotta hand it to him. Speaking of “hand,” Torrie and Trish are (allegedly) watching in the Green Room on a big screen TV. Just so you remember that they exist. Back to the match, which I am sure is continuing without anything edited out, nuh-uh. Christian whips Maven right into Angle’s arms (he’s in the ring for some reason) for a waistlock and an overhead belly-to-belly. Reverse backbreaker by Christian. Two count. Tazz says Maven’s newfound brashness is because of his date with Torrie. Tag team heelishness in the corner. Tag. Angle knocks Maven down and fondles his Hell Toupee for Edge’s benefit. He goads Edge into the ring, but lo, the tables are turned as Maven hits the Golotta while the ref is distracted. Hot tag on both sides! Edge ducks the charging Christian and knocks Angle off the apron. Flying jalapeno to Christian’s noggin. Clothesline, Irish, biiiiig back-body drop. And one for Angle. Edge-O-Matic on Christian. One… two… Angle with the save. Double Irish, but Edge hits a double clothesline. Tag. Maven keys on Christian in one corner while Edge abuses Angle in t’other. ANGLE SLAM! Wooo! Angle goes after Maven, but gets a boot to the gut and a DDT instead.

T:  “Right on the follicle thing… the hair follicle stuff… the head!”

Maven goes up… waits as Angle and Christian stagger to their feet, and flies! Angle ducks, but Christian eats the flying dropkick. NOT A MISSILE! Sheesh. Two count as Angle makes the save. Belly-to-back on Maven… and Angle turns right into a single arm faceplant. Ah, but Christian is up to deliver the boots. Irish, clothesline ducked, SPEAR by Edge! Edge charges at Angle, who ducks, sending Edge flying over the top rope. Maven quickly clotheslines Angle over the top. Now Christian with the Unprettier… no, Maven reverses, roll-up, and the pin! (4:28) Good stuff. Christian only throws half-a-fit. Edge gives them both the Little Guido treatment.

Later: Hogan retires, maybe. But first, an ad for WWF Divas on PPV. Stacy looks mighty out of place without the flotation devices. End of segment.

That’s your first hour. Already blowing away an entire RAW, yet again. What untold pleasures does the second hour bring? Oh, you know already. You read the spoilers, you read CRZ’s recap. It’s okay. So did Immo.

Smack of the Night is brought to you today by the letter E. As in Panasonic E-Wear. EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Bubba gets smacked in the noggin at Judgment Day by the Deacon, then eats wood.

O, testify! REVEREND D-VON gets new gospel music. “Please call my name,” they plaintively sing. What, you want to die already? The second hour just started! D-Von is joined by DEACON BAUTISTA, which they spelled wrong again. Is this going to end up being another one of those “Kane the Undertaker” tweaks? Sign in the crowd: “D-Von! Get the Bible!”

O, look, D-Von gets to wrestle RIKISHI today. This should be fun. Another FREE recap from Judgment Day shows Rico screwing up and getting the tag belt as a reward. Hey, let’s listen to D-Von cut a promo on that giant posterior.

RDV:  “O, no! O, no no no no! Hey, Rikishi! Hey! That's disgusting! That's distasteful. O, that’s sinful! You get the hell -- I mean the heck -- in the back right now and put some clothes on. You heathen!”

Rikishi plants his right hand upside D-Von’s head as if he were nailing the 95 Theses to the door of the church in Wittenburg. O, wait, Immo doesn’t have time for that today. More right hands. Irish, and a clothesline. Irish again, clothesline again, but this time ducked. Sunset flip attempt by D-Von… slap, slap… D-Von bails as Rikishi lands with a tumultuous thud. D-von crawls to the corner and crosses himself. Well, here comes Rico out to prove himself. He applauds Rikishi, who seems stunned by his presence. D-Von tries to capitalize, but gets a belly-to-ginormous-belly instead. Head to the turnbuckle, three times, but D-Von’s Baptist knee acts up again. Off the ropes, big flying clothesline by D-Von. Righteous heel violence in the corner as Billy and Chuck now make their appearance at the top of the ramp. Elbow across the throat. Going for a suplex… D-Von bails and clutches his back in agony. Rikishi picks up D-Von… the Deacon, however, grabs a leg and D-Von falls directly on top. Ah, but the Deacon failed to use the tried and true “hang onto the leg and hide behind the ring” strategy to get the pin. Two count instead. Rikishi fights back. But D-Von connects with a boot to the gut and a DDT. YOU CAN’T DDT RIKISHI! Savate kick! Irish, ‘Kishi Kutter! Tazz invokes the name of first cousin Yokozuna. Hogan retires today, by the way. Deacon’s on the apron now. But not for long, as Rikishi knocks him down. Big butt avalanche! Raise the roof! Bautista is on the apron again, distracting the ref. Rico has other plans, namely, the tag title to the back. D-Von gets the cover and the duke. (3:11) Bautista gives Rikishi a spinebuster (!) Rico comes in to console his partner, while surreptitiously giving the thumbs-up to Billy and Chuck at the top of the ramp. They approve. Gee, I hope Rikishi doesn’t get UPN, ‘cos he’ll be PISSED… end of segment.

Next on our menu, after an insufferably long ad break (Dood… keep EATING!), it’s Wheeeee! Time in Saskatoon! Who ever heard of Saskatoon?! And Lethbridge! Remember, no trip to Lethbridge is complete without a stop at the Nikka Yuko Japanese Garden. Calgary, well, can’t help you there.

Earlier Today! Someone is watching Austin get his head mercifully caved in by Eddie Guerrero. Why, it’s L’il Chavo Junior!

CGJ:  “Orale, Eddie! Keeck heez butt! That's what you get, Stone Cold Steve Austin, when you mess weeth a Guerrrrrrhhhhhero.”

Oh, great, now they’ve got Chavo doing the Speedy Gonzales accent, too. I know, let’s hire El Guapo’s little buddy to be his sidekick. “You want thee Croozerweight title? You jus’ TAKE eet.”

Now, here’s another stereotype: the superhero’s geeky alter-ego, complete with Dictaphone.

GH:  “Chavo Guerrero. Gregory Helms. Ace reporter for the Daily Globe. I notice you're watching the DASTARDLY deeds of your DASTARDLY Uncle Eddie. As you may well know, some unnamed source has been leaving dastardly notes for The Hurricane. Coincidence? I think NOT!”

CGJ:  “I don’t need to leave any STEENKIN’ notes for The Hurricane. I'm going to terrorize heem PERSONALLY in the ring tonight, and then, I’m gonna take his title. You tell that to your LEETLE friend, GREGORY.”

Chavo leaves. Helms, ace reporter, smells something malodorous in the lockers. He opens one to find a note! Speaking of notes, note to camera operator: zoom in first. Then focus, then zoom out, BEFORE recording. I expect better from the WWE video crew.

GH:  “BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! Another note! ‘I’m not tall/And I’m not fat/But I left you a clue…’”

F’nar! Helms pulls out a giant package of tasty beef jerky!

GH:  “… what’s UP… with THAT?”

Beef jerky? IT’S SAVAGE! OHHHHHHHH… next week. Same Hurri-time, different Hurri-capper.

Oh, sure, another interview. Bring back SHARMELL!!! Hey, it’s Trip again. He’s iced up.

ML:  “Triple-H, this past Sunday at Judgment Day, you were in that brutal matchup against Chris Jericho… Hell in a Cell, and you beat him. But, to come back tonight and go against Lance Storm and get the victory? It's amazing!”

HHH:  “You're right. Hell in a Cell is the most brutal match ever devised. But in that match I might have got the one, two, three, but there are no winners. In Hell in a Cell there are just survivors. And here I am. I am the survivor. And Lance Storm found out tonight that not only am I a survivor but I am The Game. So now my focus is not on Lance Storm. And my focus is no longer on Chris Jericho. My focus is back where it always should have been and always will be and that is once again becoming the WWE undisputed world champion. (YAY!)”

Well, Lance Storm is not ready to be de-focussed.

LS:  “Hey, Hunter! You got lucky tonight. But your luck? It's about to run oot.”

Magically appearing from off-camera is the Big Boat of Test, upside H’s skull. He’s down for the count, folks. Hmmm… end of segment.

Hmmmm…

Trish and Stacy get nekkid on Velocity. Moments Ago!, H’s luck ran oot.

Stand back! There’s THE HURRICANE, coming through. Why doesn’t he use the Vertebreaker anymore? And his challenger, using the his uncle’s old WCW music, it’s CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. Cheat to Win, baby!

‘Cane ducks the lockup and pokes Chavo right in the eye, Piper-style. Our commentators ponder the beef jerky. Snap mare, off the ropes, shoulder block. Hero pose, off the ropes, Chavo drops down, off the ropes, Chavo tires for the leapfrog but Hurricane catches him with a powerslam. Two count. Headlock. Chavo pushes ‘Cane into the corner. Back suplex. Stomp, stomp, Euro, and Tazz is invoking the name of Thunderlips. Heel offence in the corner. Dropkick. Two count. Cole says Hogan was the first WWE superstar on the cover of SI. Yeah, but he’s no Danny Hodge. Beautiful dropkick by Chavo. Hey, Tazz, Cole, you’re missing a great match here. Two count. Duelling suplex attempts blocked. Hurricane goes for a shortarm, Chavo ducks, off the ropes, Hurri-line! Hurri-pose! Hurri-punches in Hurri-bunches! Irish to the corner, silly neckbreaker. Two count. Irish, reversed into a snowplow! Two count only. Hurricane applies the choke! Chavo kicks his way out. Irish, reversed, Hurricane applies the choke again! Chavo fights out with a back elbow. Irish to the corner, Chavo charges, eats a back elbow of his own. Hurricane to the second turnbuckle… Buff Blockbuster! That’s all. (2:56) Cole reminds us the move is called the Overcast. Yeah, whatever.

In the executive suite, Stacy cosies up to your boss and mine, VINCENT K. MCMAHON.

SK:  “You know, Vince that just for the record, that kiss that Test gave me, that meant nothing. And out there in the ring I was having a lot of fun just fooling around. You know that, right?”

VKM:  “Oh, absolutely, yes, yes. Believe me, Stacy. Nothing could make me angry tonight. Because tonight – tonight, history will be made on SmackDown!. You think about history, you think about the president of the United States of America giving his state of the union address. You think about Abraham Lincoln who gave us his Gettysburg Address. And tonight, we hear Hulk Hogan's farewell address. Nothing is going to bother me tonight, I assure…”

Yup, Y2J.

CJ:  “Mr. McMahon, hold on a second here. What is the problem? You saw the Hell in a Cell last Sunday. You saw the intensity of the match, you saw the hell we put each other through, Triple H and I. Look at me: I’ve been torn apart. I've got stitches all over the place, I’m half a man. What are you doing putting me in the ring with The World's Strongest Man, Mark Henry? What's the problem?”

VKM:  “Look, I appreciate what you did in Hell in a Cell. But this is an opportunity.”

CJ:  “For what?”

VKM:  “This is an opportunity for you to yet take another step in your legacy. Chris Jericho, can you beat The World's Strongest Man?”

CJ:  “Can I beat The World's Strongest Man. Can I beat The World's Strongest Man? Huh? You just wait and see… what did he mean when he called me Sweet Britches?”

Ho-HO! End of segment.

I though it was Sugar Britches. Only one way to get to the bottom of this: get me Undercover Brother!

And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by Subway. Mmmm… macadamia nut cookies. Oh, and lo-fat subs. Tim White gets slammed into the Cell. Cole says White got a separated shoulder out of all that.

Break the wall down, Moongoose! YEAH! He limps down to the ring. SD! is brought to you by EPHEDRINE! Get it while it’s legal! And by Cole shrieking EEEEEEEEEE! And by Taco Bell. Shoot a video of yourself chasing down seven layers with an herbal supplement banned by the NFL. Hear that EEEEEEEEEEE? That’s you flat-lining.

Mark Henry is wearing the new blue SD! shirt, and it looks mighty strange on his mighty frame. Jericho makes some taunting muscle poses, then gets pushed immediately into the ropes when they lock up. Yar! Kicks to the gut but Y2J. Off the ropes, and Y2J eats The World’s Strongest Foot. Punch to the head. We look at Henry make some angry noises for an uncomfortably long time, probably while Jericho blades himself. Yup, when we see Jericho again, he’s juicy already. Irish to the corner, Avalanche. Meaty punches to the gut and a big biel. Henry steps on Jericho’s chest on his way toward mounting the ropes. Going for the Vader Bomb… misses. Dropkick to the head as Henry is still on the canvas. Off the ropes… Y2J runs right into a Vader clothesline. Y2J slumped in the corner now. Henry charges, eats the boot. Jericho jumps from the second turnbuckle, but right into Henry’s arms. Military press, four reps, and down goes Jericho. They jerked the camera again on impact to make it more impressive looking. BOO! Y2J draped over the second rope, and Henry hits his sliding Bubba Drop thingy to the outside. As in Big Bubba Rogers, that is. CRZ says it was the Chocolate Moose. Props to CRZ – just don’t mention Robert Horry to him unless the Kings win the series. Henry goes to post Jericho, but he slides out the back and Henry hits the steel. Jericho wants a chair, but he gets his head rammed into the post instead. Ah, but he cleverly slid the chair into the ring at the same time. Now Henry is getting a chair of his own. He’s in the ring, and he’s gonna whack Y2J, but referee MIKE SPARKS takes the chair away. You don’t need to be Scooby-Dum to figure out this mystery. Y2J hits Henry with his original chair while Sparks’s back is turned. DUM-Da-DUM-DUM! (3:17) Jericho bails… and BLEEDS!

Next, Hogan retires. Sha-hah. Zif. End of segment.

RAW in Edmonton, SD! in Calgary. Bring those British flags. Props to Vince for voicing a decent tribute to Davey, BTW. But minus points for the biased account of the Montreal Screwjob on Confidential.

Okay, Immo’s (presumably) last act as a recapper, a Hogan interview segment! Thrills! The WAH PEDAL OF DOOM heralds the arrival of HULK HOGAN (Slight Return). Sorry again if a word or two is out of place.

HH:  “I love you guys. (YAY!) You know, I was born Terry Bollea on August 11, 1953 in Augusta, Georgia. But I was raised -- I was raised in Tampa, Florida. I was the proud son of a pipe fitter and a housewife, Ruth and Pete Bollea. My parents were working class people that worked all their lives just to support our family. And then -- and then, ‘Maniacs, one day about 20 years ago I had the opportunity to get into this business. (YAY!) I had the honour and I had the privilege to perform in front of you and millions of ‘Maniacs all the way around the world. (YAY!) I mean for the last 20 years I've had a blast. I've had the time of my life. (HO-GUNN! HO-GUNN!) Thank you guys, very much. But I got to say this. For the last 20 years I've had the time of my life. But there's only one thing that I regret right now and that is that my father passed away at Christmas-time and he's not alive right now to see me out here with all my Hulkamaniacs. Around Christmas time my dad had a sixth stroke. I was in the hospital for four months and as he was lying in the hospital, he didn't show any emotion on his face. But on Monday nights when RAW was on, or on Thursday nights when SmackDown! was on, he just lit up. I mean, he was lying there, guys, 88 years old. He was on life support. He had the heart monitor. He had the feeding tube and the bottom line was one day he just got tired of laying there, man. One day he got tired of looking at me and I was living for every breath, he said of the on that day he tore that trach’ tube out of his throat, and I swear before my God my father said two things. One was that, ‘Terry, you need to go back to wrestling and straighten out your career.’ (YAY!)  And the other thing my dad said to me was, he said, ‘Terry, you need to go back home and you need to go back to the WWF.’ (YAY!) Well, here I am, guys. And I couldn't have done it -- (HO-GUNN! HO-GUNN!) And I couldn't have done it without all of you guys out here. So, thank you. (YAY!) I want to thank you guys and all you Hulkamaniacs for your encouragement. I want to thank you for believing in me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be who I am today. So, thank you. But there's one other thing I have to thank you for. And I have to thank you right now for helping me take the biggest step in my professional career. You know, there comes a time in every man's life whether it's injuries, timing or whatever it is, where you just have to step down. (BOO!) It’s like Kenny Rogers said, you got to know when to hold them and you got to know when to fold them. So I want to thank you guys for believing in me. I want to thank you guys for believing in Hulkamania but most of all I want to thank you mostly for all of the memories. Before I leave this ring tonight, before I leave this arena for the very last time, I've got one hope and one dream. And that dream is that Hulkamania and all you Hulkamaniacs will live forever. (YAY!) So, from my heart, Hulkamaniacs, thank you.”

Hendrix plays again as Hogan poses. That was good stuff. Spoiled by the canned noise again. Hogan is giving me the vibe of “This is acting, and I’m milking it a wee bit, but this is stuff I’d like to say anyway.”

Retiring? No chance! No chance in Hell! Here’s Vince out for a rebuttal.

VKM:  “Say it ain't so! (A-HOLE! A-HOLE!) My God, the sky is falling. The world is coming to an end, because Hulk Hogan is announcing his retirement. (BOO!) And where -- just where is Hulk Hogan making the most important announcement in his professional career? Why, it seems somehow apropos and somehow pathetic that you would be making such an announcement right here, right here in the very rectum of Mississippi, Tupelo. (BOO!) Then again, I coulda told you last week, you were going to pull some stunt like this. I could smell it on you, Hogan. Hogan, READ MY LIPS: There’s no chance in Hell of you retiring. (YAY!) You’re not going to retire tonight, you’re not going to retire any night, and I’ll tell you why: ‘cos 10 years ago, you walked out on me. Not this time, ‘cos this time, I have a signed contract, and if you retire tonight, I’ll sure you and your family for everything you’ve got! (BOO!) See, Hogan, I look at it this way: I think the only way you're ever going to leave my company is when your body is decomposing in a pine box. (BOO!)I'd like to remind you I created Hulk Hogan. (BOO!) I own Hulkamania. Oh, yes, I do. And I intend, Hogan -- I intend to milk Hulkamania for every cent I can until the day you DIEEEEuhhhh! (BOO!)”

HH (grabbing Vince by collar): “You know, Vince? You know something, Vince McMahon? One day I may retire. But it won't be until I kick… your… ASS!”

To much applause, Hogan rears back and clocks McMahon, whose facial expressions are priceless, as usual. Hogan takes off his weight belt and starts a-whippin’, but Undertaker comes out for the save. He’s pounding on Hogan. Irish to the corner, follows in, but Hogan hits a back elbow. Off the ropes, double axehandle to the head. Off the ropes, clothesline over the top rope. Taker picks up Vince on the way back up the ramp, and we leave with some more of that sweet Voodoo Chili. But not before Vince manages one last threat:

VKM:  “Hulkamania’s gonna die on MY terms!”

Oooooh. End of show.

So, here’s the deal. The Mighty Immolator put down his 25 bucks Canadian and went over to ECCW’s House of Pain for a workout. I did a documentary on these guys for my media school a couple of years ago, and I was familiar enough with them to figure, what the heck. So, head dude “Gorgeous” Michelle Starr, myself and another brave soul went through some basics… running the ropes, tuck-and-rolls. Bottom line: I’m hooked. I’ve taken some more thorough lessons since then, and I’m learning fast.

So, with this new pursuit taking up my time, I can no longer spend the 9-10 hours (true) it takes me to do a weekly SD! recap. Instead, I have offered The Rick to do a column covering some of the things I’ve learned, plus some observations on the wrestling scene based thereupon. He’s agreed, so check for the first instalment this Thursday. I hope you like it.

‘Til then, intrepid readers… Peace.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE SD! RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.