by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

The Beautiful People, and Rock is the first wrestler we see during the opening montage. Strange. Unless he's being allowed full reign to go wherever he wants...

Live from Somewhere in Canada, and Vincent K. McMahon graces us with his presence. He grabs a mic and he has Bad News for us. No, not Brown. The Bad News is The Rock will not be here tonight. Vince lets us know that Rock chose to leave Smackdown and go to Raw. Now for the Good News. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will NOT be here tonight. This is met with the expected boo's. Vince says that Hogan is using the flimsy excuse *interrupted by 'asshole' chant* that he's got a family emergency. Something to do with his son Nick. Vince believes that Hogan is actually afraid of him, and that Hogan doesn't screw with Vince, Vince screws with Hogan, and he boasts about how he screwed Hogan Sunday night and describes the incident. He promises the World Broadcast Premiere of Montreal Screwjob II later tonight as proof that Hulkamania is dead. He announces that McMahon-a-mania is running wild, and departs to "No Chance." Does a quick "Too cool for you" faked handshake with a salaaming fan on the front row, Quick hype for the Brock vs. Team Angle handicap match later tonight, and we are off to commercials.

Heh, own Bowflex for no money down, and payments lower than many health club dues. Yeah, but just barely.

The Cradle 2 the Grave slam of the week is Jamie Knoble's slamming of Torrie last week on Smackdown!, and her subsequent rescue by Funaki.

Back live, it's Torrie and Funaki vs. Jamie and Nidia. Jamie’s music has been remixed. Tazz hypes the Playboy spread announcement by trying to swerve us by saying it's Stephanie.

Funaki and Knoble start. They trade waistlocks. Snap mare by Knoble. Whips off the ropes ends with a Funaki dropkick and Knoble is forced into the corner and it's time for JAPANESE VIOLENCE! Knoble regains control, tho, slams Funaki, tags Nidia in, who leg drops him and kicks him a few times before tagging Knoble back in. Knoble gets some offense in before Funaki reverses. Some offense, Funaki goes up for a Tornado DDT, but Knoble throws him off. Tag to Nidia, who goes up top. Frog splash misses, Funaki dives for the tag. Torrie in. Torrie is all over Nidia. Torrie goes up to the second turnbuckle, but Jamie pulls Nidia out of the way. Torrie gets down and hauls off and slaps Jamie silly. Jamie snaps out of the daze caused by the flurry of sissy slaps and chases Torrie out of the ring. She leads him around and he grabs her as she slides back in, only to be met with a Funaki Baseball slide. Funaki follows up with a tope to take Jamie out. Torrie and Nidia fight around for a second or two until Dawn Marie tries to interfere. Torrie shoves Nidia into her to send her flying. Schoolgirl rollup and Torrie wins it for her side.

Celebration is cut short by Stephanie McMahon out to give the announcement that the diva has been picked to appear on Playboy. She cuts a promo that is supposed to sound sultry and erotic, but just engenders sympathetic embarrassment in me. Anyway, she finally gets to it and announces that it's Torrie. Torrie is ecstatic.

Back from commercial. During the break, Torrie finds Steph and can't believe it. Steph lets her know that it won't interfere with her duties with Girls Gone Wild. Speaking of going wild, Torrie had better get ready, because she's shooting the cover for Playboy next week. Torrie bounces off excitedly. Steph turns around and Brian Kendrick is there. Brian reintroduces himself to Steph, who fondly remembers him as "Naked Boy." Brian reiterates that he'll do anything to get a shot in the WWE. To make his point, he challenges Kurt Angle tonight. Stephanie laughs him off, but he stops her and lets her know he's serious. Steph says fine, that she will give Brian what he wants. If Brian can last 5 minutes in the ring with Kurt Angle, then he will be the new Smackdown Superstar.

To the arena, it's Nunzio (w. the rest of FBI 2K3) vs. Eddie (W/ Chavo). Eddie gets a mixed reaction from the crowd. Circle, side headlock on Nunzio. Knockdown quick cover gets 2. Eddie almost messes up a back-to-back flipover, but recovers and delivers a few dropkicks. Eddie tries to run the turnbuckles on Nunzio, Nunzio reverses. Some offense in the corner. Eddie whipped off the ropes, tripped up by Chuck. Nunzio on top of him and wailing away. Ref pulls him off and Eddie goes for the rope, only to eat a Chuck right hand. Nunzio goes after Eddie again, Eddie hits a belly to back suplex. Nunzio forced into the corner and it's time for MEXICAN VIOLENCE! Nunzio up in Electric chair. Eddie goes for pin, gets 2. Eddie up for a frog splash. Nunzio moves, Eddie rolls his way out of landing hard. Nunzio goes for the small package and they roll around until Eddie has Nunzio's shoulders down for the 1-2-3. Celebration is cut short by the FBI beating them down. Rikishi makes the save before much damage can be done, though.

Back from commercial, and apparently Steph wanted to see Paul Heyman. Because of last weeks screwing of Brock by Angle’s on the fly booking of the gauntlet match, Brock is able to name his own stipulation tonight, and it works like this: If Brock wins the handicap match tonight, he gets to meet his choice of any member of Team Angle in a steel cage next week. Heyman protests, pointing out that Angle will be the choice and that it's not fair. Steph says Tough Noogies!

From here, we go to footage of Edge being stretchered out at NWO. We cut to Benoit giving Brock a pep talk, basically telling him to be careful around Angle. Brock expresses concern over Benoit maybe being Team Angles next target. Benoit says that there is no worry, that he has friends of his own. At this, he opens the dressing room door, asks his mystery partner if he's ready. We hear a "yeah" and before he can walk out, we cut to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Limp Bizket is providing the music for Wrestlemania. Damn, they didn’t self-destruct. 

Team Mattitude is out (Matt facts for tonight: Matt is a size 34 in the waist, and he thinks sweet potatoes are delicious). Earlier tonight, Josh interviewed Matt, who is happy to the new Cruiserweight champ, and says that while he wishes Edge all the best, that he probably wouldn't have gotten injured if he had a bit more Mattitude.

Benoit is out, and his partner is RHYNO! Rhyno hits the ring and rolls right through team Mattitude. Shannon starts after Matt is thrown out. Rhyno violence on Shannon, Chris tagged in. Chris whips Shannon to the opposite corner. Benoit tries to follow up, but Matt trips him up. Matt tags in quickly. Benoit in the corner getting worked over, Matt hits a side effect. Cover gets two. Tag to Shannon, and Shannon looks more motivated than he has in months. Shannon works on Benoit for a few seconds. Quick tag to Matt, but Benoit gets a quick German. Tag to Rhyno, and he's a BALL O FAR! knocking down everyone. Gets a cover on Matt, Shannon breaks it up, Benoit in to take care of Shannon, and everyone GETS ROWDY!! Benoit and Shannon go out, Rhyno sets up for the GOOOOOORE! Matt is turned into a sack of mashed sweet potatoes, and Rhyno gets the pin. Play his music, and we cut to a quick recap of Nathan Jones saying he's got unfinished business with the biggest dog in the yard. Speaking of which, Undertaker is walking around backstage, jumping on his bike, and making his way to the ring.

Kylie Minougue shills Ballys. You know, her music is kind of catchy, but is there anything else to Kylie than the fact she likes to show as much skin as humanly possible?

Back to the arena, 'Taker is riding out to the ring. Michael Cole called the match up Sunday with Big Show grueling. You ain't shittin' buddy! 'Taker up and posing to the crowd, and he's got a mic. He addresses that A-Train, thanks to his actions on Sunday, has got the Undertakers complete attention. He tells A-Train that it's time to Shut up and fight. A-Train obliges, but wait, Paul is out right after him, and he has a mic. He says that he is the new manager of his OWN phenom, the A-Train (Didn’t A-Train fall under Paul’s managerial blanket over a month ago, when Paul NAMED him A-Train?) He lists his clients, ending up with Big Show, which brings Show out, and it looks like the two of them intend some harm on 'Taker. A-Train and Big Show surround the ring. Show fakes in, and A-Train comes up from behind for the sneak attack. Big Show in and it's two on one. 'Taker fights valiantly for a few seconds, but they are two and he is one, and even 'Taker can't fend off two card carrying, Jim Ross certified hosses. Choke slam on 'Taker, 2d ropes splash from A-Train. They set him up to Pillmanize his head, but Nathan Jones is out to make the save? He shoves Big Show out; A-Train goes for the Baldo Bomb which Nathan shrugs off easily. Nathan scares A-Train off with a flying roundhouse kick and several martial arts kicks. Team Oversize beat feet while Nathan looms in the ring. 'Taker up, they get face to face, and we fade out to commercial. Ok, looks like Nathan’s unfinished business with ‘Taker is a thank you or something? Did ‘Taker save him from becoming a punk in prison one time or what? Color me a bit confused….

We're back and John Cena is still out with an injured knee, and apparently to keep himself occupied, he's taken to recapping WWE shows. Hey, he's cooler than I thought! He raps about how he's got Brocks number. "I'm Rockin' PS2, you barely understand Atari!" Hey, In Atari’s defense, you almost had to have an engineering degree just to hook that game up.

Earlier Tonight, Brian haltingly asked Steph for a job, and the '5-minute challenge' is up next.

Back to the arena, Brian Kendrick, from Olympia, WA and weighing 181 pounds is up for the 5-minute challenge. Kurt comes out, and laughs at the kid. Brian offers the hand of respect, Kurt slaps it away. Kurt slowly takes his robe, medals, and belt off. At this point, I think we've been about 1 minute so far. Unfortunately, it doesn't count, as the countdown clock starts at 5 minutes when the match bell rings. Kurt offers to mat wrestle, and goes for the inferior position. Brian tries to move Kurt; Kurt shrugs him off, wrestles him down, and slaps him around. Kurt offers Brian a free shot, going so far as to get on his knees, hands behind his back, and eyes closed. Brian tests the waters, waving his hand in front of Kurt’s face, and takes advantage by kicking him in the face. Offense is short lived though, and Kurt goes berserk on him, setting him up in the corner, and then throwing him out of the ring. Brian rolled back in and Angle continues to beat on him. Angle puts him up on the ropes, and taunts him; Kendrick busts out a quick elbow. This infuriates Kurt, who beats on him even more. Kurt grabs him for a German, Brian elbows his way out. He hits a few Dropkicks, and a sweet shining wizard out of nowhere. Brian grabs him and goes for an Acid Drop; But Kurt throws him off and hits a clothesline. Kurt set's Brian up for the Angle slam. Brian twists out, and commences with the elbows to Kurt’s face. Kurt has had enough, tho, and he shoves Brian off, hits the Angle slam, and gets the pin with 2 seconds left to go. Kurt celebrates, and Brian is heartbroken. Kurt grabs a mic, and first, he proclaims that he and Team Angle had nothing to do with Edge's injury. He then moves on to the present, asking Brian his name, and telling him that he has a lot of heart. Kurt raises his arm, and as a message to Brock, he clotheslines Brian out of his boots. Brian thrown out, rammed into the ring steps, rolled back in, and Kurt picks him up and hit's an F-5 of his own. Kurt collects his medals, Belt and Paul, and they head out.

Before we go to commercial, tho, hype for the World Broadcast premiere of the footage of the Montreal Screwjob II.

Returning from Commercials, Tony Chimel announces Mr. McMahon's personally selected referee from NWO, Sylvian Grenier. He's in the ring, and says something in French. Now in English (but with an extremely pretentious French accent), he says that Mr. McMahon asked him to announce his greatest achievement in WWE history. We cut to footage of the end of Rock/Hogan II. I'm sure everyone's either seen or read a recap of it, so I'll forgo the play-by-play here. You know, without the entire crowd at Hooters around me to provide noise, I got to admit, that is a really apathetic crowd response.

Back to the present day, and Grenier shares a laugh with us all. He waves to everyone, and we cut to Michael and Tazz and they show us a small excerpt from NWO. After the camera's stopped rolling, Hogan found Stephanie and told her to pass on a message, That Hogan is going to kick his ass at Wrestlemania.

Backstage, Heyman pumps up Team Angle, telling them that Brock wants to tear the team apart, and they are not going to let that happen. Meanwhile, Brock is pumping himself up with a resistance band. We cut to a commercial before he explodes.

"Medal" heralds the arrival of Team Angle with both Angle and Heyman. No Pyro for the rookies, though. Brock out, slowly making his way to the ring. Charlie starts with Brock. Charlie is looking a little frazzled tonight, I.E. mussed up hair, and a more psycho look on his face. Circle, lockup, Brock shoves Charlie off. They go for lockup, but Brock walks into a Charlie boot. Charlie forces Brock into the corner, but Brock knees his way out. Powering him to the other corner, then Charlie gets bealed halfway across the ring. Lesnar suplexes Charlie a couple times, then throws him to his own corner, where Shelton tags in. Shelton runs into a Brock right hand, then a belly to belly. Brock pounding on him, Shelton goes for a DDT, but Brock simply picks him up and throws him into the corner. Shelton gets a shot in, dives for the tag from Charlie, and Charlie in with a big clothesline to send Brock out. As Angle distracts, Heyman punts Brock in the ribs and lays some boots in. Brock back in, and Shelton tagged back in. Shelton gets some offense in, but Brock gets the better of him. Angle with a trip, Brock gives chase. Angle tries to duck through the ring, but Lesnar catches him. Before he can do anything, Brock eats a Shelton baseball slide. While Brock is dazed outside, Angle hits him with a chair, and rolls him in. Shelton goes for the cover, but Brock kicks out. Tag to Charlie, who rear choke locks him. Brock powers up, and slams Charlie down on his back. Charlie gets the tag, and Shelton rushes in to eat a whole lotta Brock fist. Brock goes nuts on both of Team Angle. Kurt up on the apron, Brock knocks him down. Charlie with a kick, then waist locks him and Team Angle hit the Super Kick German!  Double team into the corner, but Brock explodes out, taking both of them out. Brock grabs Charlie for the F-5, but Shelton catches him as he's going down. Shelton gets shoved by Brock in response, and he knocks Charlie out of the ring accidentally. Shelton back up, but he walks into an F-5 of his own. Shelton slammed, and it's 1-2-3. Brock up and after Paul Heyman. He catches him, Drags him back into the ring, and sets him up for the F-5, but Angle is in with the chop block to save. Heyman and Angle beat feet quickly, arguing up the ramp about who has it worse, Kurt for having to face Brock next week, or Paul for nearly getting F-5'd. Brock has a Mic. "You would think that I'd be angry right now, but I'm not. You see, at Wrestlemania, I get you Kurt. And next week, I get any member of Team angle I want in a steel cage. So for next week, I choose *points up the ramp at the two of them* YOU!" Kurt blanches and Paul reassures him until Brock says, "Paul Heyman!" Crowd goes ballistic, Paul stands there in stunned silence, Kurt tried to keep himself from busting out laughing, Team Angle walk by hanging their head low. I half expect Shelton to pat him on the shoulder and go, 'Nice knowing you, pal!' We fade out with Paul’s disbelieving face.

Well, once again, we have a better than average show put on by Smackdown. We get a bit of advancement to Wrestlemania, but not too much, and some damn fine wrestling action. For the week, though, I would have to give the entertainment edge to Raw. Nothing wrong with tonight, though.

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