by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Right now, it’s time for Smackdown!

WWE leader leads into earlier today and Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle (sporting a huge shiner) arrive at the arena. A random techie asks Kurt how he's doing and get's the dirty look OF DOOM! for his troubles.

The Beautiful People lead us into Pyro and we are Live (taped) from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA. (Home of Mario Lemieux, Cole helpfully points out). Team Angle are out for a Non-Title tag team contest. I notice the "You Suck” chant is VERY subdued. Their opponents are Rey Mysterio and Billy Kidman. Filthy Animals REUNITED! Billy and Charlie face off. Charlie hits a quick Fireman’s carry takedown to start, followed by an arm drag, which is answered by a shoulder block by Billy. He follows up with a head scissors, and Charlie gets away for the tag to Shelton. Kidman subdues him, tags Rey in, and Rey gets an over the top rope victory roll to try for a pin, only gets two, tho. Shelton bounces up and takes control, but Airplane spin is reversed into a hurricanrana. Tag to Billy, and Billy controls for a bit until a missed charge posts him (I believe this is where he messed his arm up, as he sold the injury from this point on). Shelton works on the shoulder, tagging Charlie in, Charlie goes for a standing arm lock. Billy tries to power up, but Charlie kicks him down for his troubles. Into the corner, Charlie works over Billy. Billy tries to fight out, but Charlie gets an arm Wringer takedown. Cover is interrupted by Rey. Tag to Shelton, and he ties Billy’s shoulder up and lays the pressure on. Billy gets out, but Shelton is waiting. He takes Rey down for good measure. Tag to Charlie, Leapfrogging Backbreaker, Charlie covers, but cover is interrupted by Rey. Charlie picks Billy up, but a schoolboy gets two. Billy gets away and tag to Rey! Springboard 360 on Charlie runs across the ring to take out Shelton. Springboard press on Charlie gets 2. Tag to Billy, Billy cleans house. Shelton tries to interfere, Rey sends him out. Billy knocks Charlie into the ropes, holds him down for the 619. Rey follows up with a BEAUTIFUL asai moonsault onto Shelton on the outside. Kidman dragging Charlie to the corner. Up, Shooting star press hits! 1! 2! No! Billy up, but Shelton back in to clothesline him down. Billy picked up, he comes back, whips Shelton into the corner, whips Rey right after him, Shelton back body drops him out. Waist lock by Charlie, Shelton hits the Kicking German! Shelton baseball slides Rey for good measure and it's 1-2-3! for Billy.

Backstage, Stephanie is talking on the phone to me (“Not now Steph, I'm recapping!") when Brian Kendrick comes in. He has some Flowers for her and in a totally nervous schoolboy attitude, tells her he appreciates the chance she gave him against Kurt. She tells him she was impressed (and I’d swear she checked him out again).

Back from Commercials, and Jamie Knoble arrived at the Playboy Mansion earlier today to try hyping Nidia on the Girls Gone Wild PPV. The guard mistakes him for the pool boy. Hilarity ensues.

Back to that arena, Rikishi is out for some wrasslin action. His opponent, Chuck Palumbo (W/ Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli) Nunzio up on the ring to talk trash, Rikishi takes him down with a right. Johnny delivers a right of his own and Chuck starts the match with a jungle kick. Rikishi kicks out, gets up, dominates for a second, Chuck comes back. Into the corner, shoulders, cross corner whip followed up with a clothesline. Rikishi down next to the ropes and while the ref calls Chuck off, Nunzio works Rikishi over. Chuck picks him back up, tries for another whip; Rikishi reverses and returns with the right hands, chasing Johnny off the ring apron, Samoan drop for Chuck. Chuck whipped into the corner, Rikishi splash. Signals for the stinkface, but Chuck up to try to come back. He goes for a victory roll, but Rikishi blocks, and then goes for the pounding on his head. The FBI tries to get in the ring to assist, but Los Guererros are out to keep them occupied. Rikishi hits the butt drop, pulls him to the corner, Banzai Drop, 1-2-3! Heels chased off, and Rikishi and Los Guererros stand triumphant in the ring. But before Rikishi can get them to start dancing...

We are backstage with Undertaker looking for Nathan Jones. He finds him in a darkened room, rocking back and forth (Warning signals are popping up all over here, folks!) ‘Taker asks him what he's doing. "When you spend 10 years of your life in solitary confinement, you learn to appreciate the peace silence gives you." Undertaker can respect that, and pulls him out to go watch Big Show and A-Trains match. Nathan wonders why, 'taker explains that it's so that they can get a feel for their ring work in preparation for their match at Wrestlemania. They exit, and we cut to A-Train loosening up (God I did not need that visual!)

WEEEEEELLLLL, Big Show is out with A-Train, and their opponents are Tajiri and Funaki. Earlier today, Funaki explains that they have a match; Tajiri pantomimes taking out their knees, misting them both, and getting the pin fall. Back to the present, and reality doesn't quite match Tajiri's fantasy. Big Show starts, Squash on Funaki, knocking Tajiri off the apron, stands on Funaki's head. Somewhere in all this action, A-Train tags in, picks up where Big show leaves off. Big Show joins the commentary crew while A-Train continues to squash Funaki. Funaki gets away and tags Tajiri in, and he tries valiantly with some knife-edge chops, but A-Train is big and Tajiri is little, so the squash must continue. Tajiri finally gets some offense in, tags to Funaki who gets a missile dropkick to stagger A-Train. A-Train grabs Funaki tho, and goes to press him out, Funaki squirms into an attempted rollup, it works when Tajiri kicks him over. This draws Big Show out, who eats a few Tajiri kicks to the head coming in. A-Train has kicked out at this point and this time has Funaki up for the gorilla press and hits it. Big Show comes back, grabs the choke slam, and Tajiri is out. A-Train hits the bicycle kick, followed by the train wreck, and he pins the sack of meat. Stack Funaki on top, and that's the match.

Earlier today, they asked people who they thought would win the Angle/Lesnar match tonight. Judging from the sampling they give us; public opinion was split right down the middle (one for Brock, one for Kurt)

Our Lugs boot of the week was Nidia challenging Torrie to the body challenge.

Present day, a sad Dawn-Marie walks around. Sean O'Hare makes his triumphant return to the airwaves to ask her what vexes her. Turns out she's sad that Torrie got picked over her for Playboy. Sean tells her that she's plenty sexy enough, and that she should get the jump on the GGW PPV by showing off her goodies tonight!

Earlier Today, Torrie showed off her Playboy cover.

Out to the Ring, and Dawn is out to make good on her promise. A quick bit of talking, and Dawn starts to strip. She picks her side (the announce position), and it turns out, that she is really nekkid! A strategically placed ring rope, tho, keeps the goodies from being shown on national TV. She jiggles a bit, and covers back up and leaves, leaving Tazz to make jokes about the name of the arena. They hype the GGW PPV, and then the #1 contenders match for the Tag Titles NEXT!

Back from commercials, and John Cena vents some more anger at Brock via his rap.

Viva La Rasa! Los Guererros are out, and despite the fact that they cheat, they are still over. Their opponents are Benoit and Rhyno. It's amazing how over Rhyno is.

Benoit and Chavo start. They tie up, trade arm wringers; Chavo gets the advantage, working on Benoit's arm. Benoit gets away. Chavo goes to consult with Eddie, who tags in. Benoit, in response, tags Rhyno in. Tie up, Eddie for the waist lock. Rhyno reverses, but Eddie goes for the quick drop toehold. Rhyno worked into the corner. Ref breaks it up. Shoving match sends Eddie flying. Eddie gets the better of Rhyno, tho, tag to Chavo, Chavo with the running dropkick. Chavo working Rhyno over, tag to Eddie. Eddie works Rhyno over, but Rhyno comes back and makes it over to his own corner. Tag to Benoit. Benoit with some stiff offense, including a vicious knee to the gut. Tag to Rhyno, and he continues the offense. Eddie gets the Greco roman eye poke to get away, tag to Chavo, and Chavo wrestles him down. Rhyno powers back up, forces him into his own corner, Benoit gets the tag. BIG backbreaker on Chavo, Pin gets two. Pin attempts traded, Chavo gets away, tag to Eddie, Eddie in and all over Benoit. Dropkick, pin attempt, Benoit’s leg on the ropes. Eddie up for some knife-edges, but Benoit gets a cross face out of nowhere. Eddie squirms out, wiggles over to his own corner, and makes the ropes, but Benoit locks it in. Ref breaks them up, Chavo with trash talk for Benoit; Benoit takes a swing at him. Tag to Chavo, Chavo in with some fast paced offense, wearing Benoit down, finally locking in the reverse headlock on the mat. Benoit powering back up, Benoit gets a few offensive moves in, but Chavo back to VISCIOUSLY knock him down. Tag to Eddie, Eddie immediately works on the shoulder and neck. Ref forces a break when Eddie starts choking him with his knee. Tag to Chavo. Chavo picks him up, Benoit back with the knife-edge chops. Benoit clotheslines Chavo out, bringing himself with. Eddie runs across the ring and hits a slingshot body press on Benoit. Rhyno is down to deliver a clubbing clothesline to put Eddie down. Everyone is down, and we have to go to commercial!

Back from commercial, and we are in the middle of Benoit delivering Rolling Germans to Chavo! Chavo escapes the last one, tho, and he rolls around to lock in a chin lock on Benoit. Benoit extends the leg, and Rhyno gets the tag! Rhyno charges in, Chavo into the corner, Rhyno eats boot! Chavo tries to go airborne, Rhyno clubs him down. Pin attempt is kicked out, Rhyno locks in the headlock. Chavo powers up, elbows out, dropkick puts both people down. Double tag, and Benoit is all over Eddie. Eddie counters, Back suplex, punches, whip, Eddie gets the leg scissors, calling for the frog splash, Benoit catches him tho. Going for the superplex, Eddie surprises him with a victory roll, broken up by Rhyno. Eddie into corner, Rhyno after him, Eddie moves, Eddie gets a small package on Benoit, Rhyno breaks that up. Rhyno gets clotheslined out. Chavo in, Benoit gets a crossface. Chavo rolls him around into position to get hit by a Frog splash from Eddie! Rhyno is back in to answer with a GORE! Rhyno goes for a powerbomb, but Chavo reverses into a leg scissors sending them both out. Eddie and Benoit fighting it out in the ring. Benoit with the cross face. Eddie squirms out, goes for the German, but Benoit reverses, and hits a German of his own! Before they can go much further, Team Angle are out to take both Benoit and Eddie out! They pose with the belts as the referee declares this a no contest. Ending aside, I need a cigarette after this match!

We go immediately to a recap of last week’s hostilities between Vince and Hogan, and we will hear from Mr. McMahon NEXT!

Back from the break, and Stephanie is not pleased with Team Angle. In her fury, she books Team Angle vs. Los Guererros vs. Benoit/Rhyno. They, obviously, are not pleased with this development.

We then cut to a recap of Hogan’s career in the WWF, starting with his pinning of Iron Sheik to win the title. We get shots of Hulk on Johnny, Joan Rivers, Arsenio, Regis (He sells Regis' handshake like he's being crushed out. Hilarity ensues). We end up with Vince McMahon thanking Hulk for Hulkamania. Vince reshows it to us a couple more times, and points out that that was the only time that Hulk EVER said thank you to him. Vince reminisces about the good times, but wastes no time getting into the bad stuff. He touches on the match at WM, then says that for what Hogan has done to him, he'll never, eeeeeever forgive him.

Up next, Matt Hardy offers up his Cruiserweight Challenge. Any Cruiserweight (apart from Rey) can challenge him in a non-title match. My money is on Brian Kendrick.

Holy Shit, April 15th Smackdown is at the Scope! I am SO there!!

We return from commercial, and we take a look at Trish on Mad TV.

Back to present day, Matt version 1.0 (W/ Shannon Moore) is out for the challenge (Matt facts: Matt has never locked his keys in his car and Matt hates cleaning his carpet.)

He rehashes for us the fact that he will be putting his title on the line against Rey Mysterio. But to keep his Mattributes finely tuned, he will challenge any Cruiserweight to an exhibition match.

And he is answered by a masked luchadore from Pittsburgh, PA, weighing 190 pounds, and going by the nom de guerre, The Pittsburgh Penguin!

They circle, and Matt starts with a quick back body drop. Penguin goes for the waist lock; Matt grabs him for a snapmare, tho. Matt tries to back suplex him out, but Penguin flips out, shoves him in the corner and throws a few rights. Matt begs off, yelling that it's just an Exhibition. He sneaks a boot the gut, and then beats him down. Ref pulls him off, allowing Shannon to choke him out on the ropes. Matt follows up with jumping on him. Matt dominates for a bit, getting a ricochet. Penguin kicks out after 2. Matt with more offense, going for the mask. After getting kicked in the head once, he finally gets it off and its BRIAN KENDRICK! Brian Kendrick explodes into action, rights, going out, springboard dropkick, quick right for Shannon. Cover is kicked out at 2. Brian answers with a bulldog. Shannon runs in, but eats a right from Kendrick. Kendrick grabs Matt, and hits a flip over acid drop, running up Shannon to do it. He goes for the cover, but Shannon pulls Matt out. They count Matt out and Brian picks up his first WWE victory! We go to commercial with Matt stumbling out with Shannon's assistance.

In a roadside study, 1 in 3 crash-test dummies that tested positive for drugs, tested positive for marijuana. God these commercials get more and more inane.

Moments ago, Brian Kendrick o\/\/nz0r3d Matt Hardy. Right now, Rey congratulates him for his hard work.

We then cut to a recap of the hostilities between Brock, Paul, and Kurt Angle.

Our Wrestlemania moment of the night is Hogan vs. Andre at WM III. Damn, that body slam was pretty damn impressive, even after all this time.

And it's Main Event Time! Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship. Sign in crowd: "He who has gold does not suck!"

Lesnar wastes no time attacking Kurt. Forcing him into the corner. Shoulders to the back, Grabs him, picks him up for the F-5. Cover, but Brock sees something he doesn’t like, and doesn't want to cover. Team Angle comes down to help out, but Brock chases them off. While Brocks back is turned, Kurt switches out with someone. Brock comes back in, someone grabs Brock for the quick schoolboy rollup and the pin and Kurt retains the title. It turns out that ‘the someone’ was Eric Angle and HE was actually the one in the ring first.  Brock is pissed, Kurt takes off. Brock goes on the hunt, finds Eric hiding, proceeds to beat him down, F-5 into the ring post, and Brock gets back in the ring and seethes. We get a replay of the switcheroo, return to a close-up of Brock being pissed, and we are out.

Damn fine show tonight. Talking was kept to a minimum and used simply to set up for the awesome ring work we saw tonight. The tag match to start the show was hot and fast. You could see where Kidman messed his shoulder up, and many props to him for completing the match. The #1 contenders match kicked about 300 different types of ass. Brian Kendrick 'surprising' us all against Matt was well done, and Kurt found a creative way to keep the title. Granted, it was the same thing he did against Undertaker two years ago, but hey, if you have a winner, go with it. I know there have been some complaints about the wisdom of leaving the strap on someone with as bad a neck as Kurt, but if you had one chance to Main Event Wrestlemania, wouldn't you take it?

The down parts of tonight: A-Train and Big Show squashing Funaki and Tajiri. And Undertaker said they'd go watch the match, where were they? That would have worked better if ‘Taker and Nathan had decided to take a couple of ringside seats so that they could throw Big Show and A-Train off their game a bit. Match could have ended the dame way, just with Big Show and A-Train doing a little jibber jabber with their Wrestlemania opponents at various points in the match. Big show jumping on commentary was amusing, at least. Rikishi's feud with the FBI isn't going anywhere very fast, and while it was nice to get teased by Dawn Marie's rope covered boobs, did they really need to be flashed?

The A-Train/Big Show squash, while completely dudtastic, furthered the appearance of their threat to Undertaker’s win streak, so I guess you could call that a mixed bag.

Overall, the good outweighed the bad, and we post another win for Smackdown on the road to Wrestlemania.

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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