by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

5 Minutes out: Tonight, Hot Rod is BACK! And the wrestling world cringes in anticipation...

You know, you would think that they would take the images of Rock and Edge out of the bumper.

Earlier tonight, Brock Lesnar sent the fans all a tizzy with his return to Smackdown, and signs a girls boob! My, He's quite the chipper fellow. Must be that whole, "God Damn, I didn't kill myself!" rush I've heard about.

The beautiful People, Pyro, and we are live (Taped) from the Allstate arena in Chicago IL. Later tonight, we have the two Semi-Final matches in the #1 contender championship, but right out of the gate, we get Brock vs. Matt Hardy: Champion vs. Champion! Matt (W/ Shannon) out (Tonight’s Matt Facts: Matt’s book is a New York Times best seller - of course; and Matt is currently the longest reigning singles champion on Smackdown.)

Matt in the ring, and showing off his championship, and lays the championship at their feet. Brock kicks it away. Brock shows Matt his own gold, and lays it down. Matt tries to throw it away, but Brock steps on the strap to keep Matt from picking it up, then clotheslines Matt out of his boots. Brock goes after Matt, but an errant shot by Shannon to the dome shows his weak point, and Matt takes advantage. Matt tries some offense, keeping Brock down, but soon eats a back elbow in the corner, then Brock back body drops him with Matt eating a turnbuckle on the way down. Matt recovers and yanks Brock down. Matt in, hits a couple dropkicks. Brock on the ropes, Matt tries to bronco bust him, but Lesnar stands up with Matt on his shoulders and gives him the Electric chair, which nearly folds Matt in half. Brock is still selling the concussion, tho, and Matt takes advantage with some more punches and kicks. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Brock catches him and picks him up for the F-5. F-5 hits, Pin, and 1-2-3 and consider the pain brought. Brock stands and waves to the crowd.

We cut to "Up Next!" and it promises a recap of Mr. McMahon’s dismissal of Hogan from last week.

Back from Commercial, and we get a pipers Pit moment, and it's the very first one with Frankie Williams and the immortal quote, "Just when they think they know the answers, I change the questions!"

Cole and Tazz shill the forthcoming Pipers Pit, and then we go into Hogan/McMahon and the SHOCKING SWERVE from last week. I liked the rain, it was a nice touch. Way to book nature there Vince.

Tazz and Cole discuss the ramifications of Hogan’s dismissal. Sable interrupts their reverie. She has a copy of the Torrie Wilson Playboy in hand, but before we can hear what she has to say, we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Sable is simply taking a seat at ringside and wanting to observe the action. Torrie Wilson is out for mixed tag action. Her partner? A “getting goofier by the moment” Brian Kendrick, who decides to make his entrance tonight by bounce stepping his way all to and around the ring. While I chuckle at this, their opponents, Jamie Knoble and Nidia are out. Brian and Jamie start, Jamie takes over using big(ger) man offense, powering Brian all over the ring. Tag to Nidia, drop toehold to Brian, and Nidia drop kick’s Brian in the head. Cover gets two. Tag back to Jamie, and Jamie takes over with the basic brawling. Cover gets two, Jamie slaps on a real headlock. Brian gets out, Jamie counters with a couple snap mares, then slaps in a headlock while bending Brian backwards over his knee. Brian gets out, tries to kick Jamie, Jamie catches, Brian strikes back with the Enziguri. Brian goes for Sliced Bread #2; Jamie reverses with a neck breaker. Tag to Nidia, and Jamie tries to gorilla press her onto him, but Brian moves and Nidia eats canvas. Tag to Torrie, and she rushes in and is in complete control. Jamie tries to interfere, gets knocked off the apron for his trouble. Torrie with the offense, but Nidia returns and Torrie gets thrown out of the ring. Jamie tries to help out on the outside, but eats a baseball slide from Brian. Brian goes up top, but Nidia is there to send him flying and he eats a guardrail, knocking him cold. Torrie back in, Jamie right after. Jamie holds Torrie up; Nidia with the flying body press, Torrie dodges and Nidia lands on Jamie instead. Nidia, while shocked at the sequence of events, doesn't notice Torrie has recovered and she eats a spinning DDT and gets pinned, giving the main camera a nice angle straight up Nidia’s legs. Play Torrie's music, but their celebration is cut short by Sable standing and sarcastically clapping. Torrie eyes her on the way out, and then returns to celebrating. The replay gives us a shot of the pin, but this time the focus being on Torrie’s ass to give equal time.

Backstage, Benoit has Brocks ear, and is congratulating him on his victory at Wrestlemania. He tells him not to get too confident, tho, because when he wins tonight and next week, he'll be facing him at Backlash. Rhyno picks this moment to interject and give a quick "WTF?" to Benoit's line of thinking, saying it'll be HE who meets Brock at Backlash. Brock ends the argument by telling them he doesn't care who wins, that either way, there will be hell toupee, and someone is going to feel the pain!

Tonight's Smack of the night is the Rowdy Roddy Piper appearance from Wrestlemania 11 days ago.

Benoit and Rhyno are out for their match. Circle, Lockup, they grapple around. Ref breaks them up; they share a respectful low 5. Circle, lockup, break apart. Lockup, Rhyno gets a leg sweep, and then applies a cross choke. Benoit spins around and hits a northern lights suplex into a bridge for two. Both men back up and they chain wrestle around a bit. Back in, and Rhyno gets the first true bit of offense in, smearing Benoit with a shoulder block. Cover gets two. Benoit rammed into the corner, Benoit answers with chops to Rhyno. Benoit's turn to ram Rhyno in the corner, and he delivers some MASSIVE chops. Rhyno back up and HE has some massive chops of his own. Rhyno goes for the cover, Benoit kicks out, Rhyno immediately into the rear chin lock. Benoit powers up, and fights Rhyno down, knee to the gut send him to the mat, cover, two. Benoit picks Rhyno up, whips him off the ropes, goes for the dropkick, but Rhyno hangs onto the ropes and Benoit hits the mat. Rhyno covers, 2. Rhyno locks in a cross arm breaker with a leg scissors. Benoit rolls over and gets a pinning combination, but Rhyno breaks the hold to get out. Benoit tries to capitalize, but Rhyno with a slam to take the wind out. Rhyno sets Benoit up for the gore, but Benoit dodges. Rhyno catches himself, but as soon as he turns, eats a bunch of knife-edges. Rhyno with the spine buster out of nowhere. Cover, 2. Rhyno back up, but Benoit is up as well, knocking him down. Benoit signals for the flying head butt. He's up, and he flies 3/4 of the way across the ring and connects! Both men back up, and Chris goes for the crossface, but Rhyno has the ropes. Benoit breaks, drags Rhyno out, and goes for the crossface again, Rhyno blocks, Benoit improvises and chains his way around Rhyno to hit a backslide. Rhyno kicks out. They wrestle around a bit more; Benoit gets a roll up, and gets the pin! Benoit advances to the finals. After, they share a tense moment, but it ends with a handshake, embrace, and Rhyno raising Benoit's hand.

Backstage, Sable happens upon Torrie’s dressing room. She congratulates her on her match tonight, as well as the fact that her issue of Playboy might almost sell as many issues as hers. While in the midst of all this, she grabs Torries towel. When Torrie asks for it, Sable holds it up and tells her to come get it. Torrie walks across the room (obscured by the towel, of course), and they lock eyes.

Before they can do anything, back out to the ring, and the tartan carpet is being laid out in preparation for Pipers Pit! But first, commercials!

Pipers Pit moment, we relive the moment Piper blasted Jimmy Snuka with the coconut.

Back in the ring, Vince is standing there, and gloating about giving Hulkamania a lethal dose of leprosy. He reiterates his stroke of genius in buying Hogan’s contract out. He's happy with himself. He segues into taking credit for Pipers Pit, and introduces Rowdy Roddy Piper!

Hot Rod comes out, looking just as haggard as he did at Wrestlemania. The WWE logo is replaced with the pipers crest in a nice touch. Roddy gets in the ring. Vince announces Roddy's first guest, "Me!" Vince goes to shake his hand, and Roddy notices the size of his hands, then wonders aloud what women think of it. He goes into a typical hot Rod rant about how Vince didn't make him, he made himself, much to the delight of the crowd. Vince tells him to chill out, and then starts into a bunch of potshots at Roddys expanding waistline. Vince knows that Roddy wants to kick his ass, but suggests instead that he kiss his ass. Roddy declines, sits Vince down, then starts to run down the list of Vince's failures, neatly segueing from Vince's attempt at making a record label, to the WBF, to the XFL touching on his toupee in the midst of all this. Vince reminds him of the fact that they both hate Hogan, and Roddy goes off on a tirade, only stopping when Vince puts his arm around his shoulders. He tells him to get his arm off him, and reiterates that he hates Vince as well. They banter back and forth a bit more, and they both end up shaking hands, and leaving on the same note: they both hate Hogan. As Vince is walking away, Roddy stops him, and gives Vince one last bit of credit: Vince has done something Roddy never accomplished; he got pinned by Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania. This sours Vince’s good expression, but no time for that, As Rikishi is out, looking all gangsta thug, holding a coconut. Rikishi in the ring, and he is here for revenge for the shot his Uncle, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, took 20 years ago. Before he can strike, tho, Sean O'Hare is out to clothesline Rikishi out of his boots. Sean grabs one of the directors chairs, smashes it over Rikishi's back, Roddy has the coconut, and smashes that over Rikishi’s head, cementing him as the heel here. Sean and Hot Rod head out.

Wow, in that segment, Roddy went from Heel to face to heel to face to heel to face back to heel. 7 turns in the space of 20 minutes. Man, even WCW wasn't THIS wishy washy in their final days.

Update with the Nouvelles, and Sylvian and Rene are going to teach us Americans a lesson.

Back to the present day, and Team Angle are out, and Charlie has the mic. They are dedicating this match to their heroic captain, Kurt Angle. They demand a moment of silence, which the crowd boos over. Shelton grabs the mic, and explains that this is the reason the Cubs haven’t won a world series in 100 years. "Respect the Winner!"

Out for a second beating, Tajiri is out, and his partner this week is Rey Mysterio!

Tajiri and Charlie start. Lockup, Charlie arm drag to Tajiri, Tajiri back with a boot to the face. Tajiri whipped into his own corner, Charlie charges in and falls prey to the Tarantula. Tag to Rey, and Rey dropkicks him while in it. Charlie gets away and tags Shelton in. Shelton tries for a Tiltawhirl, but Rey simply flies around him, leaving him confused and then hits a dropkick. Some more flying around, and Rey gets a flying arm drag. Shelton back up and manages to throw Rey out. Charlie meets him outside, and throws him into a crescent kick by Shelton. Shelton tagging Charlie in, they drop him on Charlie’s knee. Charlie locking in the submission move. Rey gets out, flies around, they exchange offense for a bit, ending with Tajiri kicking Charlie and laying him across the ropes. Rey with the 6-1-9. West Coast Pop, 1-2-3! Tajiri and Rey Mysterio have upset the Tag champs. Tazz proclaims that they are now officially in the hunt!

Backstage, Josh has Undertakers ear, and Undertaker has apparently been losing sleep over Cena's comments from last week. Undertaker promises an ass whoopin’ later on tonight.

And up next, we have the Smackdown Debut of Nathan Jones! His victim tonight? Bill DeMott. Will Bill be starting another Goldberg streak? We'll find out next.

Back from commercial, we get a pretty view of the outside of the arena, and Nathan Jones is out for his first ever Smackdown match! Now, lets see if that training from the Undertaker has taken.

DeMott is out, and he's taking this one with some trepidation. They lock up, and Nathan floors him with a big right hand. Nathan trash talks. Lockup, Bill with a front face lock. Nathan powers him up, sets him on the turnbuckle. Ref breaks it up, Bill gets a flying punch. Nathan snaps and throws Bill out of the ring. Bill gets up and back in the ring, and eats a Jones spin kick. Pin, 1-2-3, and back to Velocity for you, Bill.

Backstage, and the FBI are giving their statement to a local policeman. Apparently Nunzio had $1200 stolen, Chuck had a big Cadillac belt buckle stolen, and Johnny had a... laptop, yeah, that's right, a laptop stolen. Nunzio brushes the other two things off, and reiterates that he's had 12 large grabbed from him. The detective asks if there are any suspects, Nunzio and crew share a conspiratorial smirk and say, "Yeah, we may know who did it."

Back from Commercial, and Nathan Jones is being brought in for questioning. 'Taker intervenes, and pulls the "Why you gotta go after him? Just cause he's done time?" card. The officers reiterate that he's not under arrest, that they just want to ask him a few questions. They lead him off, and Undertaker isn't happy with this development. I kept expecting him to start going, “Man, why they always gotta be keepin’ a brotha down!”

The whack of the night is Eddie Guererros loss to John Cena last week.

Speaking of which, Here's John out to bust down some free style. He runs Undertaker down, saying he'll need an Army of Darkness to beat him. He finishes with, "You're a dead man? I'm a necrophiliac!" Ewwwwwwww!!

'Taker is out on his bike, looking wholly unimpressed and unconcerned. Pose for the crowd, first.

They duck and weave a bit, and Undertaker grabs John and begins the squash. Cena in the corner and taking some big knees. Cena on the ropes, 'Taker punches him down. Cena's head meets turnbuckle at a rapid velocity, and 'Taker lays in with the boots. 'Taker with the trash talk. 'Taker puts his head down, and Cena kicks him, which only pisses him off. Goozle, Chokeslam! Cover, 1-2-Cena's foot on the ropes. 'Taker grinds the forearm into Cena’s face, and then tosses him. We take a commercial break.

Back from commercial, and no real change from when we left. 'Taker has Cena down across the apron, delivering an elbow, another, then the big leg drop. Cena in the corner, big squash in the corner, and Undertaker with the DEADMAN VIOLENCE. Cena, in desperation, grabs the chain, and delivers a blow to 'Takers dome. He follows up with a shoulder block to send 'Taker out. As 'Taker tries to get back in, Cena takes a shot at the injured elbow of undertaker Cena chases after 'Taker, slapping his elbow across the guardrail. Cena back in, telling the ref to count. Ref starts the count, 'Taker starts climbing in, Cena Dropkicks him out. Cena chasing after, stomping on the elbow on the ring steps. 'Taker back in, and delivers a desperation clothesline. Goes for the Last ride, Cena knocks the elbow. Cena works the elbow some more; Undertaker comes back with a big boot. 'Taker charging in, but Cena pulls the ref in between them, and he takes the bump. Cena goes for the DVD, but 'Taker kicks off and grabs Cena for the last ride. He hits it, covers, but the ref is still out. He gets up just in time to send a charging Chuck Palumbo out. Johnny the Bull in, soupbone for him! Nunzio in, soupbone for him! Taker doling out right fists for everyone, but he turns and walks right into a straight chair shot by Chuck. The FBI commence with the beat down, and leave 'Taker lying. Cena crawls over, drapes an arm over, and the ref revives just enough to count the 1-2-3, and Cena advances in the tournament. Cena is looking the worse for wear, tho, and the camera fades to Cena giving us his thug life symbol, and we're out.

Good show this week, I enjoyed it more than last weeks. Lesnar's match was quick, but painless, even if it was our hero, Matt Hardy getting squashed. We'll have to see how long Lesnar keeps up the "I'm still feeling the effects of the concussion" bit, but I have a feeling that WWE will have him take it easy until at least Backlash. The mixed tag was fun. Benoit/Rhyno was, as expected, awesome. Roddy was a hoot to watch tonight (in a good way, not like his morbid NWA appearance), and it looks like they have finally given direction for Sean O’Hare instead of simply having him being the devil on the locker rooms shoulder. Tajiri and Rey look they might be the next losers for the straps at Backlash. Nathan Jones' ring debut was... underwhealming. I'm sorry, but for as much of a monster as they tried to build Bill DeMott up to be, he should have put up more of a fight than just to be a 1 minute squash. And Undertaker/Cena went about how everyone was expecting it to, with Cena only winning with the help of a ludicrous amount of outside assistance. Actual storytelling, while there, really didn't impress me much, and the absence of Los Guererros and A-Train and Big Show were noticeable, but the action in the ring more than made up for it. Good show this week, and stay tuned next week as I attempt to perform the columnist hat trick of doing the Raw Recap, providing the Smackdown Spoilers, and doing the Smackdown Recap, all this while working overnight! Wish me luck, peace out!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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