by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Hey Folks, not much to say tonight except that next week I'll be taking a vacation (and not a moment too soon, either) and I'll be absent for my Smackdown recapping duties. I believe Rick has someone lined up, so it should be all good.

5 Minutes out: He arrived with much Fanfare! Mr. America! Check him out tonight at 8!

It's UPN Thursday night, are you ready?

WWE Leader, and we recap the happenings of Mr. America. Boy, Vince sure let his fetish out with the statement, "I heard this guy is 7 foot tall!" I'm surprised that he let Yao Ming get away.

"Hey, You! What do you see?" and Vince cuts Beautiful people off with No Chance. His expression is somewhere between a smile and a scowl. Tonight, in Halifax, Vince McMahon presents Hulk Hogan! No, he won't be here tonight, but he will be here via satellite. And since Hogan won't be here, Mr. America won't be here as well, since Mr. America is obviously Hulk Hogan, even you dumb Canadians can figure that one out. Crowd gives Vince the "You screwed Bret" chant. Vince takes a moment to admit that yes, he did and he would screw all of you given half the chance. He says he has no idea how Mr. America got signed site unseen, but one person does, that would be Stephanie McMahon. Juggs makes her way to the ring. She tells us that she signed Mr. America site unseen because rumor around the campfire  was that he was the hottest thing on the horizon. Vince asks her to tell us the conditions of the contract, and she tells us that because she had to counter every offer from Bischoff, and ultimately, the price of him coming to Smackdown was an ironclad contract, one that says that he cannot be fired or suspended for whatever reason. Steph lets us know that the only way Mr. America can be fired is if it's proven that Mr. America really is Hulk Hogan. Vince tells Steph to hit the bricks, and gets Hogan on the Smacktron for a little face-to-face. Graphic helpfully tells us that Hogan is really at home in Tampa, Florida. Vince confronts Hogan, who doesn't know what Vince is talking about. Hogan admits that Mr. America does bear a passing resemblance, but Hogan is much bigger, and much better looking. Hogan goes on to promise that Mr. America just might be making an appearance tonight in Halifax.

Back from commercials, A-Train and Big Show will be taking on Chris Benoit and Brock Lesnar later tonight.

Backstage, a crewmember runs up and lets Vince know that Mr. America just got here. Vince gives the "Yeah, Right" response, and sends the techie running for his 'practical joke'.

Our to the arena, Los Guererros are out showing off their newly acquired gold medals (and a flashback of the circumstances that allowed them to acquire them). Eddie is taking on Matt Hardy (W/ Shannon and Crash and Matt Facts: Matt hates to wake up before noon and Matt eats slowly to savor his food) in a non-title match up.  Lockup, Eddie with a takedown into a headlock, Matt gets out with some leg scissors, Eddie reverses, and the break. Lockup again, Eddie with a Hammerlock. Matt elbows out, charges into an Eddie elbow, and Eddie springboards off the 2d turnbuckle to bowl Matt over with a flying elbow. Both up, and Eddie goes for the pin. Only gets 2. Matt goads him into the corner and pulls him into the turnbuckle. Matt fires away with right hands, but Eddie comes back, He gets distracted by Shannon and Crash, tho, and walks right into two side effects. Pin is unsuccessful, and Matt slaps on a surfboard. Eddie fights up, kicks out, and jumps up for a sleeper of his own, but Matt reverses into a 3rd Side Effect. Working Eddie over on the ropes, then a vertical Suplex gets 2. Eddie fights back up, but Matt body slams him. Matt going for the leg drop, but Eddie is up and hits the hurricanrana. Matt walks into a kick by Eddie, and Eddie runs him around the ring, Hits the hat trick vertical suplex. Eddie calls for the Frog Splash, but Matt moves. While Eddie is dazed, Matt grabs an Oklahoma roll for 2. Eddie shoves him off, and tries to charge in, Matt gets the boot up. Yodeling leg drop hits this time. Cover, Eddie kicks out! Matt is mad, he rips his shirt off to illustrate this, and there is a small contingent of Hardy girls in the audience tonight judging by the squeals. Matt goes for another Side Effect, but Eddie reverses into a rollup for the pin!

After the match, Matt attacks Eddie, and Chavo is stopped from intervening by Team Angle sneak attacking and grabbing their medals back.

Backstage, Big Show has a meeting of the minds with FBI (that was probably painful). As they discuss, an opaque glass pane is walked by them. As the glass is in between them and us, a Blue Hood walks by behind the glass. Was it Mr. America!?!?! FBI and Big show are all agog at the sight. We go to commercial.

WWE slam of the week (brought to you by The Matrix) is John Cena putting Spanky down last week.

Back live, Spanky is out full tilt to the ring, baseball sliding into the ring and back flipping off the turnbuckles. Spanky gets on the mic and admits to getting his butt kicked last week. He attributes it to Cena not being able to handle Spanky leading the crowd in a "Cena!" "Sucks!" chant. His opponent tonight is Jamie Knoble (W/ Nidia).

Lockup, Jamie pulls Spanky into a side headlock, into a hammerlock. Jamie tries for a surfboard, Spanky flips over and kicks him off. Spanky with the head scissors sending Jamie into the corner, and he goes for Sliced Bread #2. Jamie tries to shove him off over the ropes but Spanky recovers on the Apron. Jamie hangman’s Spanky on the top rope and he hits the floor. Jamie distracts the ref for a second as Nidia kicks a few field goals on Spanky's ribs. Jamie out, rolling Spanky back in. Backstage, Cena is watching the action on a monitor. Jamie works Spanky over with some basic brawling and suplexes, ending up with a head and shoulder tie up. Spanky fights back up and bounces off the ropes. He tries to go up and bring Jamie down with a crucifix, but Jamie slams him and converts into a half crab. Spanky rolls over and kicks Knoble off and gets a rollup for two. Jamie is back up faster, tho, and blasts Spanky in the face to send him down. Jamie keeps on him, brawling all over the place and hitting a knife-edge chop in the corner. Spanky reverses a whip and gives Jamie a Boot to the Head (Yaa yaa!) Dropkick is answered by Jamie sending Spanky into the corner. Belly to back suplex ends with Spanky flipping out to land on his feet and Cole miscalls a Shining Wizard as an enziguri. Spanky tries to whip Jamie off the ropes but gets pulled back into a whip body slam! Cover by Jamie, only gets two tho. Jamie back up and frustrated, laying the boots in. Jamie sets him up top, goes for the superplex, but Spanky shoves him off and goes for a springboard asai moonsault! Jamie moves so Spanky lands on his feet, grabs Jamie and Hits Sliced Bread #2 for the pinfall and win. Damn! Ultimo Dragon needs to get to Smackdown sooner rather than later, just so we can have him and Spanky go at it!

After the match, as Spanky celebrates, John Cena throws a fit while watching on the monitor. He his interrupted in mid-fit by Mr. America walking up and watching the show with him. Cena doesn't know what to make of the man in the blue mask as we go to commercial.

We're back, and we go over Big Show's heinous actions on Rey at Backlash, this time getting the full stretcher job. We go over the swing at the ring post a few more times, and we are back with Tazz and Cole going over Rey's recovery, and Rey will be on Smackdown next week.

Backstage, Josh catches up to Brock and asks him about his thoughts on tonight’s big main event tag match. Brock is not worried at all, and tells us that at Backlash, they should make their match a stretcher match since Big Show likes Stretchers so much. That way, Big Show will definitely leave Backlash on a stretcher!

Elsewhere, Vince is about to grab some coffee when Funaki runs up to him and excitedly lets Vince know that Mr. America is on his way to the ring. Vince has a chuckle at this, and tells Funaki to pour him some coffee. Vince takes a sip, declares that it's not bad for Canadian.

Back from Commercial, Real American heralds the arrival of Mr. America. It looks like the same guy as last week; Vince and Stephanie are backstage and watching on TV. Mr. America poses for the crowd, and gets a "Hogan!" chant. After a minute of this, we cut backstage and Vince scowls at the TV and leans in for a closer look. AS soon as Vince McMahon hears MA say, "Well let me tell you something, Brothers!", he storms out of the office with Steph following after. MA is out to tell us one thing, that he is NOT Hulk Hogan. Well duh! Hogan is in Tampa! You see, a couple years ago, Mr. America was a 165-pound accountant in Hoboken, NJ until he ordered Wrestlemania. When he saw Hulk Hogan in the ring at the Toronto Skydome, he was inspired, so he started training, taking his vitamins, saying his prayers, and eventually it brought him to where he is today, standing proudly as the representative of the fighting spirit of America. Vince is out and he furiously circles the ring as he rants at MA. He tells us that he's going to prove it once and for all that MA is in fact Hulk Hogan. But he's not going to do it personally; Stephanie will be the one to take the mask. Stephanie is brought out and she gets in the ring. She balks at taking MA's mask, but that's ok, because Vince is in the ring to throw his coat at MA and sneak attack. Vince tries to pull MA's mask off, and demands that Steph help him. She says no, and Hogan throws him off, knocking him into Steph and knocking her out. Vince goes to attend to her, but meanwhile, MA has his mask straightened out and is waiting on Vince. Vince stands and turns into the "YOU!!" finger point. Vince tries to strike first, but MA gives him a couple big rights and sends Vince out. After this, MA sees that Stephanie is out, so he jumps out of the ring, grabs Stephanie in his arms, and takes her backstage. Vince sees this and storms after.

Moments ago: Vince and Steph got involved in a minor fracas with Mr. America.

Steph is backstage holding some ice on her head. Vince storms into the office and demands that the techie tending to Steph go find Hogan. Steph calls his attention, and Vince shows some token concern. Vince asks what Hogan did to her; Steph corrects him, telling him that it was Vince that hurt her. Vince storms out, leaving Steph to sulk.

Out in the arena, Sable is out, and she takes a seat at the announce position, not taking a headset, tho. She is out to watch the match between Torrie and Dawn-Marie.

Torrie is distracted by Sable at ringside; Dawn takes advantage and knocks Torrie down. Catfight ensues; they roll over each other, the ref, around the ring, ending with Torrie getting a rollup out of a Dawn fireman’s carry. Took about as long as it took you to read it. Afterwards, Sable gets in the ring and challenges Torrie to a Bikini contest. Sable asks if Torrie thinks she can stack up to Sable. Sable pulls her top off and shows us the good as her answer, and shows Sable her OTHER best side as we go to commercial.

Matrix Reloaded. Damn!

Back, and one more Kurt Angle Wide World of Sports segment. It's True!

We get a lovely shot of the outside of the arena in Halifax, and Team Angle are out with the Kurt Angle picture and the medals, and like a pair of dumbasses, they leave the medals on the pic. Their pointless filler opponents tonight are Tajiri and Rikishi in a non-title match.

Rikishi and Charlie start. Lockup, Rikishi arm wringer is reversed by Charlie, reversed again by Rikishi, who proceeds to knock Charlie down with a right. Charlie gets up and works a side headlock; Rikishi whips Charlie off the ropes, then follows up by shoulder blocking him through the ropes. Shelton goes for a rollup, but Rikishi shrugs him off. Shelton rolls away before Rikishi can sit on him, and Charlie tries for the same thing, only this time Rikishi plants himself square on Charlie’s Chest. Pin count gets 2 before Shelton breaks it up. Rikishi tags Tajiri in, Shelton tagged in, and Tajiri goes nuts on him with the kicks. Pin attempt gets 2. Tajiri on a roll until Charlie gets a cheap shot and Tajiri walks into a Shelton throw. Charlie tagged in and he hits the belly-to-belly overhead. Pin attempt gets one. Charlie going for a crucifix power bomb, but Tajiri wiggles out and gets a big kick to put Charlie down. Double tag and Rikishi is a ball of fire all over Shelton! Clothesline for Shelton, Clothesline for Charlie, Clothesline for both of you! Samoan drop for Charlie, Belly to belly for Shelton. Tem angle stacked up in the corner and big squash sends them scattering. Shelton down in the corner and Rikishi goes for the stink face. As the ref is attending to Charlie, Shelton gets the low blow. Charlie casually walks around and tags Shelton as Tajiri tags in as well. Charlie goes for the knockdown, Tajiri ducks and gets the handspring elbow. Tajiri then goes around and Handsprings Shelton off the apron. (I have a suspicion that they wanted to do both in one move, but Shelton was in the wrong place. no biggie, doesn't take away from the match^_^). Charlie follows up with a knockdown, but turns around into a savate kick by Rikishi. Charlie back up and charges after Tajiri into the corner, but he falls prey to the Tarantula! Ref breaks it up and Tajiri tries to keep it up, but Charlie gets the Atomic Drop and Shelton hits the superkick into the rollover for the pin.

After the match, Los Guererros' music plays and as Team Angle watch for them from the entrance, Eddie and Chavo sneak in from the crowd and make off with both the Medals AND the pic. They pose with it for a few seconds while Team Angle buys a clue for the block, Wink. Team Angle aren't fast enough to catch Los Guererros, tho, and they make their escape. 

Backstage, Benoit and Brock prepare for their match.

Back, and Cole and Tazz shill "America's Top Model," and Brian Kendrick (AKA Spanky) has joined them at the commentary position.

John Cena is out, wearing a Brewers Jersey. You know, if he really wanted to piss the locals off, he'd be wearing a Star's jersey, but since they have been rendered an irrelevancy by the Mighty Ducks, I guess they don't rate an appearance on WWE TV. Fine by me^_^.

Cena Raps about how he's going to take Rhyno apart, then talks smack to Spanky at ringside. The Tech crew misses their cue for Rhyno's entrance music by a second or two when John says, "I don't give a..." Rhyno runs out and they get in each other’s face. Cena shoves Rhyno off and that just pisses him off and Rhyno goes crazy on Cena, making with the DETROIT VIOLENCE! Cena knocked out of the ring, Rhyno goes after. Cena gets a shot in, following up with some shoulders. Rhyno rolled back in and Cena with the beat down. Spanky calls Cena "Johnny Blanket Folder" and Tazz has a chuckle at this. Cena with a big vertical suplex, pin, gets two. Cena slaps on the surfboard. Cole asks Spanky how he got his name; Spanky replies that that's been what he was called ever since he was a kid. That was what, 3 weeks ago? Rhyno gets up, and pulls Cena along in the surfboard position, running him into the turnbuckles. Rhyno with the momentum, getting a few knockdowns, pin, that only gets 2. Rhyno going for a slam, Cena jumps over and hits him in the back. Jumping neck breaker, pin, gets 2. Both men up, trading blows, Rhyno gets a spine buster. Cena goes for the chain, but Spanky is there to grab the other end and keep Cena from using it. Cena slips and falls back into a Rhyno roll up. Cena bails and chases after Spanky, but gets taken out by Rhyno. Rhyno calls for the Gore, but Cena dodges and rams his knee into the ring steps. As Cole and Tazz ponder whether this has ended Rhyno's career, we go...

Backstage, as the FBI talk about various shenanigans that they have been hired to handle. They remember a fallen friend, cross themselves, and head out.

Back from commercials, and Tazz and Cole run down the card for Judgement Day.

Backstage, Nunzio gets in Brocks face. He tells Brock that he didn't like what Brock said about Big Show, and that when you disrespect Big Show, you disrespect the FBI. Brock shoves him aside, and continues on. Nunzio goes up behind him and smacks him on the head. Brock makes chase and runs into a room. Nunzio pops out and shut the door behind him and bars it. Johnny helps him hold the door while Chuck jumps on a forklift and proceeds to demolish a wall bracing the door. Big Show and A-Train are out and they thank FBI for their help. A-Train let's Big Show know that he'll be going to destroy Benoit now. Big Show corrects him and lets him know that it will be he that does the beating, and shows us a stretcher board with Mysterio crossed out, and Benoit and Lesnar underneath. A-Train says he's fine with that, and they head to the ring as we go to commercial.

The WWE Burn of the night is Big Show, once again, slamming Rey at Backlash.

Big Show is out with A-Train and the stretcher. Benoit is out to a MASSIVE pop. Both men in the ring, Benoit gets in Big Show's face, Big Show pushes him off. Benoit back up, and Big Show pushes him right back down. Big Show throws him around for a bit, but Benoit comes back with some chops and rights, but Big Show grabs him and sidewalk slams him. He stands on him and proceeds to toss him around for a bit. Cole and Tazz remember the last stretcher match: Andre the Giant vs. Killer Khan. Big show stands on Benoit some more, then kicks him out of the ring where A-Train beats him down some more. Benoit rolled back in, and Big Show picks Benoit up into a long standing vertical suplex. Big Show steps over Benoit. Picking him up, Headbutt. Benoit tries to come back, but Big Show grabs Benoit for a bear hug. Benoit gets out by biting Big shows face, hits a jaw breaker, but runs into an elbow, Big Show goes for an elbow drop, but Benoit moves. Benoit with another kick to the face, and Benoit goes up and hits the flying headbutt face to face with Show! Benoit crawls into the cover, but Big Show kicks out. Big Show up, grabbing the choke slam, but Benoit reverses into a crossface. Big Show is just about to tap out when A-Train grabs the stretcher. Benoit releases the hold and baseball slides A-Train outside. Benoit back in and he goes to lock in the cross face again, only getting a fujiwara armbar out of it. After holding it for a few seconds, Big Show stands up, grabs the chokeslam, and that's all she wrote. A- Train in after to pickup the pieces, hitting the bicycle kick. Big Show with another chokeslam, and A-Train brings in another stretcher. They strap Benoit in and threaten to slam him like Big Show did Rey, But Brock has escaped from the back room A-Train taken care of in short order, Lesnar in to take down Big Show. A-Train hasn’t learned his lesson, tho, and he runs in, only to fall prey to an F-5. Big Show is waiting tho, and he grabs Lesnar, chokeslams him, and we fade out to Big Show letting out a primal scream.

Well, that was an awesome show all the way up to the Benoit squash. But hey, I guess he did as best he could with what he had, and I guess we have to build Big Show up to be the unstoppable monster going into the PPV. All the rest of the matches were very watchable, except the women’s 'match' and even that was saved by Torries hooters. Spanky is definitely turning out to be this year’s breakout star, followed closely by Cena. Their match at the PPV should be the certified show stealer. Good effort all around tonight, looking forward to next week, but since I won't be here, I'll see everyone at Hooters for Judgement day, and I'll be back for the May 22nd Smackdown! Peace out!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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