by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

5 minutes out: After career threatening neck surgery, Kurt Angle returns to Smackdown! Heel or face? Tune in next! Wow, first time in how many weeks that Mr. America wasn't a part of the bumper? Mr. America will get his "5 minute out" heat back by making Angle job to him at Summerslam, just you watch!

Smackdown begins with an "In loving memory" graphic for Classy Freddie Blassie.

WWE Leader, and we get the Coldplay Kurt Angle Video to start. Kurt wants to come back and prove to everybody that he's the best in this business, that he's barely scraped the tip of the iceberg in the WWE. If what we've seen so far is 'barely scraping the tip", I can't wait to see what's next!

Smackdown theme, and we are right out of the gate with Roddy Piper W/ Sean O'Hare. He gets in the ring and starts talking about a certain handicapped individual who has been causing problems for him recently. He goes on about how he's been running around the country for 30 years, and nobody ever called him special, but this kid comes in and suddenly this kid is "Special!" Well, Roddy wants to bring out Zach Gowen, so he calls him out, but gets Vince in his place. Vince stomps to the ring and grabs the mic. Vince admits that he was wrong about Mr. America, and it was his blind hatred of Hogan that made him overlook the courageous and brave Zach Gowen. Vince says that he's willing to give Zach the chance to earn what he's always wanted, so he calls Zach out.

Zach is out with Mr. America (Real American playing). They get in the ring and Mr. America gets Zach to do the "listen to the cheers" pose. MA starts off on his typical spiel, but Vince tells MA that it's not about him tonight, it's about Zach. Vince brings up that the lie detector equipment last week was faulty. He turns to Zach and tells him that he admires his tenacity, but he doesn't admire his choice in friends. He goes on to tell him that His heroes can't give him a contract, MA can't give him a contract, nobody in the WWE can give him a contract, except Vince. So Vince lets us know that next week, there is going to be an arm wrestling contest for Zach's contract. And Representing the WWE: Vince. MA interjects that he will arm-wrestle Vince for it, but Vince tells MA no dice. They back and forth a bit, and Vince lets us know that the other participant in the arm wrestling contest next week will be Zach himself. Zach is fairly agog at this prospect and Vince goads him a bit. Roddy sets Zach up and Vince schoolboys him over as O'Hare distracts MA. The heels bail and MA looks over his young charge. Vince pronounces that Zach has the same chance as the proverbial one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest. Vince taunts Zach a bit more and we go to commercial.

Back from Commercial, and we get a classic Kurt Angle moment: The Milk Truck incident during Invasion.

Back live, and Undertaker rolls to the ring to give us some wrasslin. His opponent tonight is Chuck Palumbo (W/ the rest of FBI). The FBI fake accosting 'Takers bike in the aisle. His own damn fault for parking it there.

Lockup, Palumbo with the side headlock. Chuck gets a shoulderblock knockdown and throws his cigar at him. Who's he think he is, Razor Ramon? Chuck off the ropes, 'Taker leapfrogs him and knocks him down a few time of his own. Chuck returns with some offense, but 'Taker forgot to read the "How to sell to midcarders" book tonight and comes back. Old school hits, Taker fighting off Johnny, chases off Nunzio, and Chuck gets a spine buster to turn things around. Chuck tosses 'Taker, and FBI work him over outside the ring. Chuck goes out and rolls him back in. Delayed vertical suplex, cover, gets 2. They exchange blows; Chuck goes for the sleeper, which is reversed into a belly to back. Chuck up first and laying in with the right hands. 'Taker comes to and they slug it out until Chuck knees him in the gut. Taker comes back with a DDT. 'Taker up, a couple clotheslines, DDT, picking up Chuck and throwing him on the turnbuckles. At some point in this, something white pops out of 'Takers pants leg. I think it's his jock strap. 'Taker with the Goozle, Chokeslam, 1-2-3, that's it.

After the match, FBI try to beat down on taker, but the "Slap of Disrespect" simply enrages Taker. Nunzio goes for a chair, but Taker big boots him and fights out of Chuck and Johnny's grip. Taker grabbing the chair and trying not to trip over his jockstrap, he runs the three of them off.

Later tonight, Matt and Rey fight for the Cruiserweight title. Looks like the groin injury wasn't as bad as we thought. We get a shot of his lovely wife and adorable little munchkins as we go to break.

We return to highlights of the match where Big Show got the 'shocking' pin over Brock. As a result, next week, Big Show gets to job one more time to Brock next week.

Cole and Tazz introduce a heartfelt tribute video for Classy Freddie Blassie, set to 'Immortal' by Evanescence. I never saw you wrestle Freddie, but you were the greatest Heel manager ever. Thank you for the memories.

Los Tajiros are out in a sweet caddy low ride. They are taking on the Basham Brothers in a non-title contest. Tajiri and Doug start. Tajiri arm drags him to start, but Doug comes back with some kicks and power. Tajiri reverses and does some martial arts stuff, forces him back to his own corner, and tags Eddie in. Quick eyepoke for good measure, and Eddie slingshots himself in and commences with the EL PASO VIOLENCE!! Doug gets away and gets a tag, but Danny gets his ass kicked as well, eating a hat trick vertical suplex for his troubles. Eddie going for a Frog splash, but Doug tries to interfere, getting knocked down for his trouble. Eddie locks hands with Danny, and hits the head scissors/arm drag. Eddie makes the mistake of trying to work Danny over in his own corner and Doug knocks him down from behind. Danny works Eddie over, tag to Doug, and he goes for the pin, only getting 2. Doug ties Eddie up and tags Danny back in, who drops an elbow on Eddie's head. Danny with the wrestling, keeping Eddie down and away from Tajiri. He goes for a snap mare, but Eddie spins out and reverses into a suplex. Eddie with the tag and Tajiri kills Danny with the punches and kicks. Danny tries coming back, but Tajiri hits the snap mare. DDT, cover, but Doug breaks it up. Danny gets a Tarantula for his troubles as Eddie sneaks a frog splash in on Doug. Tajiri back in, sizing Doug up, Buzz Saw kick! Cover 1-2-3, Champs win.

After the match, Eddie and Tajiri head out in style in the Caddy.

Our next Kurt Angle Moment of the night is Kurt serenading Vince with "Jimmy Cracked Corn," much to the chagrin of Vince, Debra, and Stone Cold.

Brute Force for X-Box. Hmm, might have to pick that up.

Back from commercial, Medal sounds out, and Kurt angle is here! For the first time in years, the audience doesn't chant, "You suck!" along with it! At least, not much. He gets in the ring, and tell us all that it feels great to hear those words again, so they hit his music, and Kurt leads the audience in a newly revived chant and loves every second of it.

He says he doesn't mind that chant now, because it's great to be back in the WWE after 2 months of neck surgery and rehab. He's back for one reason and one reason only: Kurt Angle is a champion, and he wants to be a champion again. But before all that, there is one person that he'd like to thank. Someone who kept in touch with him, looked after his family while he was in the hospital, became a close friend. That someone is....

Kurt's announcement of his new best friend is interrupted by the untimely arrival of The Big Show. Kurt wants to know what the hell is he doing here. Big show lets us know that it's not because he's happy that Kurt is back, because he doesn't give a damn. Show tells him that even though he may have gotten the respect of the fans, but he has gotten no respect from Big Show. Show tells him that if he wants to be champion, then he'd better wait in line. Show totally up in Kurt's face now. Show tells him that after he beats Brock, then Kurt MIGHT get a shot at the title. But if he does, then Big Show will put Kurt back in the hospital. Kurt takes a second and produces something from his pocket. "Big Show, these are called breath strips. You see, you take one out and put one on your tongue..." Big show swats them away and tells Angle that he'd better get serious. Angles expression turns from comic relief to total serious. Kurt proceeds to climb to the second turnbuckle so he can look down on Show. He reminds Show that last time they faced, Kurt whipped his ass for the WWE title. Big show goes on to mutter something about snapping Kurt’s neck, but Kurt stops him and asks the audience (with apologies to Stone Cold), "If you want to see me kick Big Show's ass tonight, gimme a 'you suck!'" Audience responds, and Big Show doesn't like that. He goozle's Kurt, but before anything can happen, Brocks music hits and he's out. Brock gets in the ring, Show bails, begging off, telling him "Not now! Next week!"

After Big Show makes his exit, Angle turns Brock around and tells him to hold up. Angle goes over their match at Wrestlemania, and gives Brock props for pushing him to the limit. He also told him that for anyone to beat Brock, they have to be 100%. "Well Brock. I am!" But that's for another time. Right now, Kurt wants to thank Brock for being there for him while he was in the hospital, for being a genuine friend, for giving him the hardest fought match in his career, and for most of all, for being his friend. It all boils down to the one thing Kurt wants to say to Brock: Thank you. They embrace in the ring, play Brock's music, and we go to commercial.

Promo for Ultimo Dragon. If you haven’t seen this guy, you are going to go nuts when he makes his debut.

Hardcore thuggin' John Cena is out, sporting a fashionable Notre Dame basketball jersey. He gets in the ring and runs down the whole phenomenon of the Cruiserweights. He disrespects Mysterio and Benoit, and as if in answer, Benoit is out.

They begin with some brawling, and Benoit takes it to Cena going for a crossface early, but Cena gets the ropes, and uses them as leverage to toss Benoit out of the ring. Outside, Cena picks Benoit up and throws him into the post. After some violence outside, Cena rolls Benoit in and slaps on a side headlock.  Benoit powers up and gets out, hitting a couple knife-edges and a snap suplex. Cena comes back briefly, but Benoit reverses the FU into a DDT. Benoit up, signaling for the flying head butt. Benoit up, it connects! Cover, only gets 2. Benoit with an attempt at the Hat trick Germans, but Cena blocks, and runs himself into the corner, knocking the ref out. Benoit going for another German, but Cena mule kicks and puts Benoit down. Cena goes for the chain, but Rhyno is out to interrupt this and take the chain from him. Rhyno swings with it, but inadvertently knocks Benoit out, who was going after Cena at the time. Cena knocks Rhyno off the apron, and then grabs a quick cover for the 1-2-3. Cena bails and Rhyno jumps on the ring to look over his fallen friend. As Cena backs out of the arena, he laughs.

Up next, Rikishi and Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia and Jamie Knoble. Now there's an idea: Sable comes down and tries to interfere, Tazz grabs her, rolls her in, and she gets a stink face. That would add at least a bit of spark to this incredibly one-sided feud. Too bad it won't happen tho...

You know, while I may disagree with some other online recappers obsession with the homoerotic undertones of the Subway commercials, I have to admit: that "how spicy is this?" commercial is gay.

The WWE burn of the night is Nidia getting the pin on Torrie last week, and Nidia's subsequent depantsing.

Torrie is out in a hot pink number that... Well, let’s hope she's super glued into that, cause one wrong bounce and horny underage members of the IWC will be begging for caps of it on the forums tomorrow. Rikishi is out, followed shortly by Jamie and Nidia. This is Rule set B for mixed Tag (girls vs. girls/ guys vs. guys). Jamie shows off Nidia, getting a tepid response. Rikishi responds by showing Torrie off. She jiggles, crowd goes nuts. Jamie is incensed that Rikishi got a better response and attacks. Rikishi fends him off easily, and Nidia gets in his face. Rikishi shoves her down and Torrie goes to work on her. Torrie knocks Nidia down in the corner, and then gets the bright idea to raise the roof. She teases us with a stink face, then goes to tag Rikishi in. Rikishi goes to do the honors, but Nidia wakes up in time, screams, and rushes over to tag Jamie in. Jamie in and getting knocked around. Jamie goes for the sunset flip, but barely dodges Rikishi sitting out. Jamie answers with a dropkick to the mush of Rikishi. Knoble tries to fly around, but Rikishi stops that. Jamie gets the tag and Nidia gets all up in Rikishi's face. Rikishi thinks bout it for a second, then tags Torrie in and she's a ball o' Far! Clothesline, another, elbow knocking Jamie off the apron. Torrie up top, getting the cross body, but it only gets two. Torrie tries to bounce off the ropes, but Jamie trips her up. Jamie in the ring and going for the tiger driver, but Rikishi hits him with a savate kick. Nidia jumps on Rikishi's back, but Rikishi shrugs him off with ease. Jamie tries some offense, but Rikishi brawls him down and throws him into the same corner as Nidia. Jamie stumbles out and gets tossed, and Nidia collapses in the corner. Rikishi finishes the job he started at the beginning of the match and Nidia gets stink faced. Nidia stumbles out of the corner and right into a swinging neck breaker by Torrie. Cover, Nidia looks at the lights, and Rikishi and Torrie win.

Commercials.

We return to a tale of the tape between Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy. Backstage, josh has the ear of Rey Mysterio. Josh asks about Rey's crotch, Rey says that he's ready. This match means the world to him, and tonight, he's bringing the title home to the WEST COAST! Eddie interjects, and even though I don't speak Spanish, it sounded positive, as Eddie was wearing one of Rey's T-shirts. Before they part, tho, Eddie gives Rey one bit of warning: Do not come back to the locker room without cruiserweight gold around your waist!

Earlier tonight, Vince did some not nice things to a Handicapped kid.

Elsewhere, Stephanie is WALKING! She sees Vince coming out of her office. She berates him for his comments and actions tonight. She says that if Vince isn't going to give Zach a contract, then she will. Vince warns her that if she gives Zach a contract, then even though she's his flesh and blood, then she'll be fired. He lets her know that because of her questionable leadership ability, he's hired her an assistant. Steph protests, but Vince drags her into the office to introduce us all to Steph's new assistant: Sable! Steph goes nuts and call her father a dirty old man, giving Sable a job like this just because she waved her ass at him. She goes on to remind Vince that Sable tried suing the WWE for millions of dollars for Sexual harassment. Vince says that that was then, and this is now, and he knows what Steph's problem is: She's jealous that Sable is better looking than her, and heads out. Sable just stands there and takes up space to annoy Steph for a few seconds, and we go to commercial.

Matt Hardy is out (with Shannon and Crash and Matt facts: Matt is taller than Rey Mysterio and Crash hates traffic). Rey is out to a big pop wearing his Mexican flag pants. He stops and gives his son some love and is in the ring. Big face-off in the middle of the ring, and the Ref starts the match. Matt tries getting in Rey's face. Matt powers Rey into the corner, but Rey gets a quick rollup to try ending the match quick. Matt kicks out, tho. Matt brawling Rey down, leaving him lying across the ropes. Shannon and Crash try sneaking up on Rey, but Referee Brian Hebner sees them and waves them off. Matt onto Rey with the knife-edge chops, but Rey gets out and returns the favor. Rey with a bit of flippy floppy that ends with a slingshot splash, getting him two. Rey tries to get cute again, but Matt knocks him down from mid air. As Rey is down outside the ring, Crash and Shannon swarm in for the beatdown. Brian sees this and ejects the both of them. Matt is out to protest, but turns around to eat a Rey springboard senton and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Rey is apparently taking it to Matt (Cole said so), but Matt reverses a whip and hits a blatant low blow that the ref misses. Matt feigns concern for about a millisecond, and then goes to work on Rey. Matt pounding Rey down, and then locking in the half crab. Rey makes the ropes. Matt tries to lock it in again, but Rey kicks him off. Rey tries to get up, but his groin injury hampers him from actually moving. Matt comes back with a chop block to knock Rey down. Matt works the leg over for a bit, but Rey kicks Matt off. Rey going up tot he top rope, but Matt knocks him down to stop that. Rey in the tree of woe, and Matt goes for a spear. Rey sits up, tho, and Matt posts himself. Matt back up, and Rey goes for a moonsault, but Matt catches him. Before Matt can do anything, tho, Rey reverses into a tornado DDT. Cover, only gets 2. Rey back up, Bulldog. Another cover, no! Matt comes back, slams Rey down, and goes for the Yodeling leg drop, but Rey interrupts that. Rey climbs up to do something, but Matt hits the side effect. Matt covers, gets 2! Matt can't believe it. Another slam for Rey, and cover gets 2 again! Matt tries something, but Rey reverses and hits the Twist of Fate. Both men down, Rey crawls for the cover, but Matt kicks out. Rey drags him over and puts him down on the ropes. 6-1-9! Rey going for the West coast pop, but Matt grabs him and hotshots him over the top rope, but Rey hangs on sending both men out. Count is on, and Rey gets in after 7. Matt goes for the title, but Brian stops him on that. Behind him, tho, Crash and Shannon storm the ring and hit a double flapjack on Rey. As the MF'ers sneak away, Matt climbs the turnbuckle, and the yodeling leg drop hits this time. Matt covers, Rey kicks out after two! Matt goes ballistic, ripping his elbow pads off and going for the Twist of Fate. Rey surprises him, tho, yanks his legs out from under him, and rolls Matt up for the pin and the Championship!

Afterwards, crowd is Crazygonuts as Rey calls his son Dominic into the ring, and his wife is in tears. We fade out with his wife in tears and Rey holding the title high.

Good show tonight. Matches were shorter then normal, but the entertainment was good enough. Kurt as a baby face could work, but I do agree that his heel turn is to come sooner rather than later. His return was great, tho. He gave us a somewhat new Kurt: the goofy Kurt that we've all grown to know and love (Hate?), with just a touch of the cocky badass that they tried foisting upon us during Invasion. The old guys (read: Hogan, McMahon and Piper) were kept to a minimum, and thank god Sable didn't talk tonight. No real dogs in the ring work either. Benoit and Rhyno have taken the first steps to one of them turning heel and giving us a nice little feud that will give us some good to great matches. One point that I do disagree with: Rey shouldn't have won the title tonight. He shouldn't have even wrestled. Yeah, his overcoming all odds with his injury and all was inspiring and such, but the match itself suffered because of it. Rey shouldn't have taken up the challenge until he was 100%. The injury obviously isn't that severe, otherwise he wouldn't have wrestled at all, but to have waited a bit longer, and to have Rey give us a match that he's truly capable of, that would have given us the whole package.

Ahh well, what's done is done, and hopefully in the future, Matt and Rey will be able to give us the match the fans deserve. As for right now, Smackdown keeps playing, I'll keep recapping, see you next week.

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