by Hugh Zeitlin
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

My most recent work brought you the spoilers for International Heat…now it’s time to continue on with WWE’s road trip through Florida, as it’s off to Orlando…and it’s time for Smackdown!:

Open:  Lengthy Recap of Hardy vs. Rey last week

If you missed it, Rey was 90 minutes north of home, main evented against Matt, Version 1.0 for the Cruiserweight Title.  In an extremely solid bout, Mysterio won the championship, celebrates with his son in the ring, and his wife gets all emotional…which sometimes isn’t a bad thing to see.

Opening music/pyro/credits – I just don’t like the slower paced music at the start of the show…but I guess they get to stop paying royalties to Marilyn Manson.  Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz, and we are on videotape from Orlando, Florida. 

We get hype from the start, for tonight’s main event, Big Show vs. Brock for the WWE title…again.  Cue the haunting intro, it’s:

Rey Mysterio vs. Matt Hardy, v1.0, for the Cruiserweight Title.

From main eventing, to curtain jerking…it’s amazing what happens when you change coasts.  It seems Matt decided to go ahead with his “return match clause” this week, but he won’t have his MF’ers at ringside…he punks them out in the back, saying they caused him to lose the belt last week.  This match was shorter than last week’s, but the action was good throughout.  Rey kicks out of a Side Effect, as well as a Splash Mountain Bomb (a combo of a Razor’s Edge turned into a power bomb).  Then as Matt goes for a Twist of Fate, Rey grabs the ropes…after Matt falls, he gets back up and is given a West Coast Pop for his troubles.  Rey Mysterio pins Matt Hardy, and remains WWE Cruiserweight Champion.

Before the break, we get our first tease of tonight’s monumental arm-wrestling match…Vince McMahon vs. Zach Gowen…the Z man’s WWE future hangs in the balance…or does it???

[commercial break #1]

Cue the bagpipes, it’s time for…

Piper’s Pit – International version

The International Piper’s Pit is called such, because we have a Scotsman in the ring, not to mention Sean O’Haire…irish I suppose.  In front of the two men, is a table loaded up with sombreros, sushi, and tequila, and decorated with a Mexican Flag.  Piper’s guests…WWE Tag Team champs, Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri.  The duo is out again in a lime-green car, with hydraulics…and the crowd is behind Eddie from the get-go.  Piper asks Eddie to let O’Haire hold his belt, so he can pose with a championship title…Eddie has nothing of it, but Tajiri is willing to trade his belt for some sushi.  Following the trade, O’Haire and Piper said they lied about giving the belt back, as they were playing the “lying, cheating, and stealing” game on the champs.  Tajiri spews his “tequila mist” at Piper, Eddie wails on O’Haire with his belt, the champs are back with their hardware, and they exit. 

That seemed a bit pointless…other than continuing to establish Eddie and Tajiri as partners.

Behind the Curtain:  we are in an office, where Assistant GM Sable is typing away at a computer (there’s a joke in there somewhere), as Stephanie McMahon enters.  Sable claims to be looking for Zach Gowen’s contract, and the drops a bombshell…Stephanie is bringing back the U.S. Title!  Steph sarcastically thanks her assistant for letting the cat out of the bag, and says she doesn’t trust her, or want her around.  Awkward stare to…

[commercial break #2]

WWE Promo:  This week’s Confidential takes an in-depth look at the dangerous Hell in the Cell.

Back at ringside, and out comes Torrie Wilson to be our Guest Ring Announcer  (hmm…Guest Ring Announcer…Guest Recapper…I’ve got to give her a call):

A-Train vs. Billy Gunn

Torrie is out to announce that Mr. Ass is back…and while he’s no longer “buddies” with Chuck, there’s still plenty of ass jokes to go around.  This is little more than a squash match, which can’t make A-Train all that happy.  Billy gets a shoulder up after the bike kick, eventually hits the Fame-asser to get the pinfall.  Following the match, Billy and Torrie tap that ass…nooo, not like that…they literally tap each others butts.  Torrie then leaves the ring arm-in-arm with Billy, which has to be a nice welcome back present for Mr. Gunn.

Behind the Curtain:  we see Brock Lesnar arriving at the arena earlier in the day, walking through the mob of fans outside…the crowd cheers, Lesnar appreciates.

[commercial break #3]

WWE Smack of the Night:  brought to you by Subway…mmm…Subway.  Last week, the Undertaker got whacked by the Full Blooded Italians.

The Undertaker vs. Johnny Stamboli (w/ FBI)

I smell repeat.  Taker dominates early, until he heads outside of the ring.  After taking brief care of Nunzio and Stamboli, Taker walks right into Palumbo’s boot…getting whacked yet again.  The American Badass recovers though, as Stamboli misses a leg drop off the ropes, and receives a last ride.  Taker gets the “w”, choke slams Palumbo, but eventually gets laid out by Nunzio with a chair.  How many times are we going to see the same thing happen?  I’m guessing Nathan Jones has to re-emerge at some point…so, then again, maybe Taker should keep getting whacked for a while.

Behind the Curtain:  we see Zach Gowen getting ready for his arm-wrestling match, by lifting…HIS CANE!!!!  That’s what I’ve been doing wrong…I’ve been lifting weights to get in shape, I just need a cane and it will all come together.  To be honest, Hulk America is there with him, putting “pressure” on the stick…but still…come on.  Hulk gives the big pep-talk, because the arm-wrestling is next.

WWE Promo:  It’s Y2J vs. Goldberg…this Sunday…Bad Blood.

[commercial break #4]

We start the segment with Stephanie McMahon walking out to the ring…we see an “Over the Top” stand set up, and the GM begins to give us the stipulations of the match.  As Steph is about to introduce Zach, Sable’s music hits and out she comes.  After the GM quickly disses her assistant, we get the introductions:

Zach Gowen vs. Mr. McMahon, arm-wrestling for Zach’s WWE Contract

Vince looking buff as usual.  Zach looking about one-fourth McMahon’s size.  But before the two guys lock up, Hulk America gets on the mic.  Says he wants a shot at Vince instead.  Initially, Vince turns Hogan down, but then Sable whispers sweet nothings in McMahon’s ear and he has a change of heart…only the stipulations are different.  They aren’t arm-wrestling for Zach’s contract…they’re arm-wrestling to see if Hulk can stay to cheer on his protégé.  They lock up, and your typical arm-wrestling shtick ensues, but just as Hulk is about to win, Sable happens to flash her puppies, distracting him.  Lawler would be proud, as Puppy Power was stronger than Mr. America, as Vince easily won.  Hulk is sent to the back, and McMahon sends Sable and Stephanie with him…now it’s time for the actual match. 

Vince says he’ll win with his left arm, which appears to be Zach’s strong arm, so that’s what they do.  Once again, typical arm-wrestling stuff, as McMahon is surprised that Gowen is actually close to winning.  Vince then kicks the leg out from under Zach, he loses his balance, and the owner wins with ease…depriving the young kid of his dream contract.  Following the match, Vince gets on the mic and verbally abuses Zach, and we watch as Gowen walks somberly up the ramp, while Vince poses for the crowd.

[commercial break #5]

We’re back, and it’s a water-fountain shot outside of the Orlando Arena.  We then recap exactly what happened in the last two paragraphs.

Behind the Curtain:  Hulk America consoles his buddy Zach, who looks pretty down in the dumps.  The Big Show decides to join in on the fun, telling Zach he has two words for him, “forget it.”

Chris Benoit and Rhyno vs. The Basham Brothers (w/ Shaniqua)

Shaniqua is TE 2 champion Linda Miles, in a black latex bra and shorts, and carrying a whip…she has a six-pack most guys would be envious of…and we’re not talking the Bud Light kind.  On to the match, and the action picks up once Rhyno makes a hot tag to Benoit, who cleans house.  The Wolverine then goes to the top, but Shaniqua makes her presence felt, as she distracts Benoit for a moment.  When he finally goes for the head butt, it’s given enough time for the Basham brother to move out of the way.  Moments later, Benoit is able to hook in the crossface, but it’s broken up.  As he gets to his feet, Rhyno accidentally levels him, for the 2^nd time in as many weeks.  Just like that, the Bashams are able to pick up the win.  We go to break with Benoit and Rhyno face-to-face, and jawing at each other.

[commercial break #6]

We recap the last paragraph.

Behind the Curtain:  Benoit and Rhyno continue their argument.  Rhyno claiming accident…Benoit thinking otherwise.  The Crippler tells his “friend” to get his head straight, and walks away.

John Cena vs. Funaki

Cena’s rap amused the Orlando faithful, as he dissed Sammy Sosa, and made fun of Michael Cole having a thing for boy bands.  Funaki makes a bad attempt at the U-G-L-Y cheerleader rap, and gets decapitated by Cena for it.  This was the definition of squash match, as Cena hits the F-U, and barely breaks a sweat.  I hope they get Cena into a program worth something soon.

Behind the Curtain:  Kurt Angle walks towards the ring, and the crowd cheers.

[commercial break #7]

WWE Extreme Blast of the Night:  Kurt thanks Brock last week, for thinking about him while he was in the hospital.  Brock says he’ll be happy to defend his title against Angle, after he takes care of the Big Show.

Promo Segment:  Kurt Angle

Our Olympic Hero makes his way to the ring, and the crowd cheers “you suck”…but not because he really sucks…because we like him.  Michale Cole officially announces that Angle will get the winner of tonight’s Lesnar/Show match.  Kurt proceeds to call out Team Angle.  Haas and Benjamin look scared as they enter the ring, but that turns out not to be the case.  Benjamin claims that Angle let the team down, by not being there for them…especially during their ladder match with Eddie and Tajiri.  Kurt says his “team” has turned into, “world class whining little bitches.”  Haas says he’s sick of hearing fans chant “you suck” at them, and says that Kurt is all talk and no action.  Best line of the segment…Kurt tells his team, “There’s one reason they chant ‘you suck’…I earned it.”  Haas proceeds to tell Angle that he no longer is team captain, and that he and Benjamin will now be co-captains.  Kurt has a problem with this, seeing how he is the founder of Team Angle (as long as we forget all that Paul Heyman did), so he goes and kicks both Haas and Benjamin off of the team!  We get that lovely na, na, naaa, na, song as the two leave the arena.

It’s time for the Tale of the Tape for Lesnar and Show, as we head into…

WWE Promo:  Nash, Triple H, Foley…Hell in the Cell…this Sunday…Bad Blood.

[commercial break #8]

Behind the Curtain:  Exclusive footage, during the break, as Team Angle pleads with Kurt, to get their spots back.  Kurt says no way…Haas and Benjamin proceed to kick the living daylights out of their former mentor.  That’s definitely a way to burn some bridges.

The Big Show vs. 

[commercial break #9]

The Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar, for the WWE Title

As we all know, this round 4 in the feud that never seems to end.  We get some good quick action to start, but when it moves outside, things turn bad for Brock.  Show slings him into the steel steps.  As he tosses Lesnar back in, O-town erupts in a huge “Big Show Sucks” chant.  Get this…Show actually puts Brock in a half Boston crab!!!  I never thought I’d see the day.  Lesnar eventually reaches the ropes, but the move has taken a toll on his body.  He attempts an F-5 out of nowhere, but doesn’t have the strength to support Show on his shoulders, and he collapses.  Show with a chokeslam, but Lesnar kicks out.  Show going for another chokeslam…only this time he’s CLIMBING THE ROPES!!!  Lesnar puts a stop to the choke, and has Show sitting on the top turnbuckle.  Lesnar is going up for a SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!  Holy Shit!   ….words really can’t describe what happened, but I’ll do my best…Show actually got up and over for the suplex…all 800 pounds of the two men came crashing down on to the canvas, and the ring IMPLODED.  The corner-posts collapsed inwards, the ropes fell, and the entire ring just kind of dropped a few feet.  The best part about doing an angle like this is that it always catches you off-guard…I remember seeing similar stuff in the past (an ECW pay-per-view comes to mind), but none as dramatic as this. 

Referee Mike Chioda finally gets a grip on the situation, notices that the two wrestlers are still lying there motionless, and calls to the back for medical attention.  While this happens, we are treated to a few replays of the amazing sight.  Michael Cole tells us that we are running out of time, and the match-up ends in a no-contest, with the ring full of medical personnel, as we fade to black.

Good show…the arm-wrestling was silly, Piper’s Pit a bit off, but other than that…no real complaints.

Hope you enjoyed it…take care everyone.

E-MAIL HUGH
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