by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Anyway, sorry to all the Danny-fans out there for skipping out last week. Staffing an Anime convention is fun, but it's also a harsh mistress. But here it is, one week later, the convention was a success, and I'm back to resume the duties of the Online Onslaught Smackdown! recapper! *Big thumbs up, huge cheesy grin*

5 minutes out: Last week, dreams, friendship, and even the ring SHATTERED! This week: will Kurt Angle be able to pick up the pieces? Join us tonight as Kurt returns to action. Also, pieces of the shattered ring will be available on E-Bay soon!

Judge Joe Brown is on in the mean time. I usually just let it run as background noise, but this week I'm strangely drawn to it. Maybe it's the copious amount of hooters on the Plaintiff and Defendant, I dunno, but I think Joe needs to bring in a mud-wrestling ring and let them settle it that way. It'd make the program that much more interesting.

WWE bumper (w/ Edge, Torrie, and The Rock in it. One of these things is not like the other....), WWE leader, and we witness the shocking events of last week main event, particularly the ring collapsing under the sudden impact of 800 pounds of man flesh.

One crappy new intro later, and we are Live (taped) from San Antonio, Tejas! Who do you think is going to be the first person to dis the Spurs NBA championship win tonight?

"Dead Man Walking!" Undertaker is Rollin', rollin', rollin' to the ring to kick off the night with a bit of wrasslin. FBI have brand spanking new music (a rip on "No Sleep 'til Brooklyn"), and Nunzio is out to take Mr. Calloway on.

Nunzio gets cocky with some shadowboxing. Nunzio taunts 'Taker a bit, but 'Taker fakes him out and Nunzio dives for safety. Taker chases and runs right into Chuck and Johnny, but they are only a distraction and Taker gets dropkicked in the mush by Nunzio. Nunzio jumps on 'Taker's back, Taker shrugs him off (with help of the ring post. Nunzio rolled in, 'Taker grabs him for the choke, and drops him on Johnny and Chuck outside. Nunzio back in, 'Taker sets him up, Last ride (holding Nunzio up for a good 10 seconds, giving him a MASSIVE wedgie. Cover is perfunctory. Afterwards, FBI 'attack' and 'Taker fends them off until Johnny gets an uppernut and the waffle stomp commences. BUT! The APA music hits and Faarooq and Billy Gunn are out to save! Oh wait, that's not Billy, That's Bradshaw with a spiffy new do. Oh, and Faarooq is now Ron Simmons, but you already knew that. FBI scatters, APA and 'Taker stand triumphant.

Backstage, Zack has snuck past security and he meets up with Spanky and Bill DeMott. They have sympathy for the one-legged kid and point him to Stephanie’s office. He finds the door, knocks, and it's answered by Boobies... I mean Sable. She tells him that Steph isn't in now, but does want to see him, would he like to wait? Zack begs off, Sable asks him if he's afraid to be alone with a REAL woman (a HILARIOUS statement, considering who just made it.) Zack shrugs, enters, and Sable looks around evilly as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, it's a moment from the Brock/Big Show timeline: Survivor Series last year.

In the ring, Benoit and Rhyno are out. Juggs follows them out, announces the upcoming Vengeance PPV, and informs us that Benoit and Rhyno are fighting in the first round of the US Championship tournament (Brand new belt, nice and shiny, is draped across her shoulder) RIGHT NOW!

After holding a confused look for a few seconds, Benoit and Rhyno lock up. Rhyno powers him into the corner, Benoit reverses into some mat wrestling, they break up, crowd starts chanting, "Go, Spurs, Go!" Benoit and Rhyno lock up again and they exchange wrestling moves for a second before Rhyno says, "Screw this" and nails Benoit with a right. Benoit doesn't like that too much and proceeds to knife-edge Rhyno all over the place. Rhyno dumped, He takes a second to rethink his strategy, and while he's burning toast, we take a commercial break.

We return to Rhyno Lou Theszing Benoit, then working into a half crab. Rhyno tries to work Benoit over in the corner, but Benoit is having none of that and he brawls right back at him. Benoit covers, Rhyno kicks out. They get up and Rhyno locks in a powerbomb, which he turns into a hotshot. Cover, gets 2. Rhyno continues the abuse, using power moves to Keep Benoit down. Rhyno starts working on the neck, sets up for a suplex, but Benoit gets a surprise small package, but Rhyno kicks out and takes control again. Rhyno keeping the rear chinlock on, and looking more and more heelish as the match goes on. Benoit fights out of the lock, but Rhyno is there again with a kick to the gut and once more applies the rear chin lock. Rhyno proceeds to cement his heel status by proclaiming loudly that the Spurs suck. Benoit fighting back up, gets a chin breaker. Benoit explodes into action, knocking Rhyno down multiple times. Benoit goes for the German, but Rhyno grabs the rope. Benoit pulls him off, and Rhyno surprises him with a spine buster. Cover, Benoit kicks out. Rhyno dragging him up, Benoit switches around and hits a big German suplex! Benoit up, throat slash, Top Turnbuckle, flying headbutt hits! Cover, Rhyno kicks out. Benoit drags Rhyno up, but Rhyno surprises him with a DDT. The count is on, both men down. Benoit makes it to his feet first, but here comes Rhyno with the GOAR! Benoit dodges, but Rhyno stops himself and runs back with an Axe Handle to knock Benoit down. Rhyno gets cocky, dragging Benoit up, but Benoit drags him down with a Crossface. Rhyno holds out for a few seconds, but can't hold on and he taps to give Benoit the win. Afterwards, Benoit goes to pick Rhyno up, but Rhyno shoves him off. They exchange some heated words, but before anything can develop...

Back in Steph's office, Sable continues to put the mack on Zack. When Zack won't go sit next to her, sable comes to him. She tells him that she wouldn't have ever interfered in Zack's match. She noticed the Zack looked last week, and says that she didn't mind. She offers Zack to touch, and when he doesn't leap at the offer, she takes his hand and puts it on her boob. Zack freezes up and does his best impression of Vince McMahon's gulp, Sable looks at us evilly again, and we go to commercial.

Quick promo promising Ultimo Dragon next week at MSG, and Rey Mysterio is out to take on Kanyon (already in the ring). Well, Garrison Cade didn't get a proper intro on Raw, and we all saw how well that turned out, lets see how Kanyon fares.

Kanyon reaches for Rey to start, but Rey is too quick for him and runs behind him to get a waistlock. Kanyon backs into the corner, but before he can do anything, Rey gets a drop toehold and a head scissors to take control. Rey going after Kanyon. Kanyon charges Rey, but Rey low bridges the top rope and Kanyon goes flying. Rey tries for a body scissors, but Kanyon converts it into a stun gun on the barricade. Kanyon going for the quick cover, but Rey kicks out. Kanyon with the front facelock, then pounding him down. Rey tries to fly, but Kanyon catches him and turns it into a back breaker. Another Pin is unsuccessful. Kanyon going for the Headlock. Rey tries to fight out, but Kanyon keeps him down. Kanyon goes for a splash in the corner, but Rey dodges and Kanyon eats turnbuckle. Rey outside looking for something over the top rope, but Kanyon catches him and flawlessly bridges him into a northern lights suplex for a pin. Rey kicks out. Kanyon sets Rey up on the top rope and goes for the superplex. Rey fights him off, then sentons him to the mat. Cover gets 2. Rey beats on Kanyon for a second, then bounces around for a through the ropes dropkick. Springboard moonsault gets 2. Rey trying to fly again, but Kanyon catches him and hits a reverse electric chair. Cover gets 2. Kanyon tries for a vertical suplex on the apron, but Rey fights it off, bends Kanyon over the top rope, then Guillotine legdrops him into the ring! Kanyon resting on the ropes, so Rey gives us a 6-1-9, followed by the West Coast Pop for the 1-2-3! Replay the finish, and it's time for....

Another Big Show/Brock timeline moment: Brock costing Show the title at Armageddon last December.

The Smack of the Night is Kurt Angle breaking up Team Angle last week.

Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin are out with new music (which the crowd instantly works You Suck into.) Shelton has the mic first, god help us. They know that Kurt is expecting them to apologize, and wants to welcome them back into Team Angle. But that's not going to happen. Charlie grabs the mic and says that the name Angle was holding them down, and Kurt can go toss, in more words then that.

This brings Kurt out and he's not looking happy. Add confusion to that when he gets in the ring and the crowd starts chanting "USA!" He's not going to disagree with what's been said: maybe the name Angle was holding them back, maybe they are the best, but he didn't like that they wanted to wait until next week to settle their differences. He tells them that Kurt Angle isn't about next week, he's about the Right Now, and if either of them want a piece of him, then it's going to happen Right Now! The former Team Angle powwow for a second, and Charlie is the one taking Kurt up on the offer.

Kurt takes Charlie down to start, and just keeps on him. Fast paced wrestling sequence wows us all and the live crowd. Charlie goes back in, only to get owned by Kurt some more. Charlie comes back with an arm drag and starts working on the arm, but Kurt gets a head scissors into a side headlock, but Charlie reverses into a side headlock of his own. Kurt fights out, only to get knocked down by Charlie. Kurt fights back, ending up with Charlie getting slingshotted out of the ring. Back in, they brawl around some more, and Charlie slaps Kurt in the face. This just pisses Kurt off, as he proceeds to run circles around Charlie and flying press him for a 2 count. Angle with the right hands, then a Back Body Drop. Kurt going for the Angle Slam, but Charlie gut kicks him and tosses him. As the ref holds Charlie back, Shelton takes advantage of the ref's distraction and rams Kurt into the ring steps. The Ref hears this, tho and ejects Shelton. While the ref proceeds to eject Shelton, Charlie takes advantage of his distraction and slams his arm on the steps. As Kurt is rolled back in, we go to commercial.

Back from commercials and Charlie is stomping down on Eddie. Kurt comes back regularly, but Charlie is one step ahead of him at all times, constantly working the arm. Kurt busts a standing monkey flip out of nowhere, tho, and both men are down. While Charlie is down, we see "Russ" written on his wrist tape. Charlie up first, but Kurt is there to meet him. They exchange offense a couple times, and Kurt takes control off a big belly-to-belly suplex. Pin gets 2. Kurt with the German Suplex. Charlie set up for the Angle Slam. Charlie twists out and hits a German of his own. Haas setting up his own Angle Slam, but Kurt has the move scouted and reverses into an arm drag. Angle lock applied, but Charlie kicks out of it. Kurt bounces back, hits the Angle slam properly this time, and 1-2-3, and you’re out of here, Charlie!

After the match, Shelton runs down and they hit a few double team moves on Kurt, culminating in a double ankle lock. Brock is out pretty quick to break this up, tho. Play Kurt's music, and we are off to commercial.

Another Brock/Big Show Timeline moment: Smackdown, last Halloween, Big Show beating down on Big Show.

Back in the office, Sable decides to step things up a bit, she shoves Zack down on the desk, tells him to call her name, and asks if he wants her. He says yeah, and Sable cock blocks him by telling him that he could never satisfy her. Vince storms in and chases Zack off. Afterwards, Vince and Sable share a laugh at their little prank on Zack.

Out in the arena, Billy Gunn is out with Torrie, and they take turns showing off their asses. Jamie Knoble is out with Nidia and they attempt to show up Billy and Torrie. They get laughed off, and Billy and Jamie start the match.

Billy tries to control to start, but Jamie shows off a bit and has Billy under control for a bit. Billy beats down on Jamie for a bit until Jamie bails and Billy is dumb enough to chase. Jamie comes back and manages to get Billy off his feet and controls for a bit, ending up in a sideways figure four, but Billy comes back. At some point, Torrie and Nidia get into it outside, allowing Billy to get distracted and have Jamie jump out and take control. A couple aborted attempts at a fameasser finally culminate in the move hitting and Billy getting the pin. Torrie jumps in the ring and they celebrate.

Another Brock/Big Show Timeline moment: the end of the Stretcher match at Judgement Day.

Los Tajiro's are out in a California Kustoms truck. They ping around on the hydro's for a second and are in the ring. Eddie will be taking on Sean O'Hare (w/ Roddy Piper, and a recap of last weeks shenanigans in Pipers Pit).

Eddie goes after Piper to start and Sean takes him down. Sean rips the title belt off Eddie, taunts him with it, and proceeds to manhandle Eddie all over the place. Eddie battles back with some right hands, but Sean overcomes Eddie’s offense and kicks him down. Roddy cheers Sean on in between drinks from a tequila bottle. Sean continues the beat down, but tries to get cute with a spinning roundhouse kick, so Eddie dropkicks his other leg out from under him. Eddie getting some offense in, missile dropkick to the knee, Eddie up for the frog splash, Roddy distracts him for a second, which gives Sean time to roll out of the way and Eddie misses. Tajiri goes to confront Roddy, who pays Tajiri back with a facefull of tequila. Sean capitalizes, hits his finisher, and covers for the 3.

Up next, we finally get Brock/Big Show for the title. Cole helpfully lets us know that the ring has been reinforced.

The Cool color (?) of the night is Vince beating Zack in the arm wrestling match.

In the office, Vince chuckles at the genius of his nefarious plan, then creeps us all out by kissing Sable, then he makes fun of Zack some more. Just before they get jiggy with it, tho, Steph is in to tell Sable to "Get the f... GET OUT!" We get a tearful speech from Stephanie, who says that she's tired of being Vince's showpiece and that she doesn't care if Vince fires her or not, she's giving Zack a contract, because Zack symbolizes everything that she could have been or some such nonsense.

We get hype for next weeks match between Undertaker and the APA vs. the FBI, another viewing of the ring collapse from last week, and Big Show is out to take on The Incredible Hulk! Oh wait, that's just a commercial...

After 3 minutes of commercials, Big Show's music is still playing (must have been an extended mix), and Smilin' Brock Lesnar is out. Brock mounts the top turnbuckle, taunting Big Show. Big Show charges in, Brock jumps over him, and lays in with the beat down. Big Show tossed, Brock out after him and ramming him into the ring post. Brock back in to break up the count, but Big Show is too slow getting back in, so Brock chases after him. It was a trap, tho, as Big Show attacks Brock and takes control. Nice spot where Big Show swings Brock from the apron into the barricade. Both men back in the ring and Big Show lays in with a couple big slaps. Brock tries to come back, but Big Show slams him a couple times and commences with the standard assortment of Big Show beatdown moves (headbutts, slaps, etc.) Brock gets out and gets a brief flurry of offense, but Big Show is back with an abdominal stretch. Brock fights out, and hooks a wristlock, causing Big Show to both scream in pain and drool like a mad dog. Brock gets away, only to get floored by Big Show again. Big Show sets Brock up for the superplex. Brock gets the uppernut, tho, and shoves Big Show off. Brock with a flying clothesline. Big Show tries to attack with a double axehandle, but Brock dodges and hits a German Suplex. Brock getting ready for the F-5, but The Team formerly known as Team Angle are out to interrupt that, drawing the DQ, and extending the feud for one more week. Brock fends them off easily enough, but falls prey to a Big Show chokeslam. Angle is out at this point, has a couple kicks for Big Show, and an Angle Slam to cap it off. His protégés go to attack, and they both eat a German suplex in turn. Big Show has recovered by now and Angle is grabbed, and almost literally planted with a chokeslam. At this, Mr. America makes his appearance, Give Big Show the "You!" fingerpoint, and has a big boot for him. Team Angle provide the necessary distraction once again, and Big Show is back with another chokeslam. We fade out to Big Show drooling all over himself and standing tall.

Damn good show tonight, no real bad parts. Ok, Sable putting the moves on Zack was dumb for the sake of dumb, and Steph doing the tearful rant at Vince actually drew some sympathetic embarrassment. Also, where was Cena? Apart from those, a great show from top to bottom. Hopefully, next week at MSG will improve on this.

See ya next time!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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