by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Another Thursday, another Smackdown. Tonight was somewhat spiced up by my acquirement of the new Cowboy Bebop: The Movie DVD. The "music videos" were simply the textless openings and endings, but apart from that, DVD rocks, if you are an anime fan at all, I highly recommend it.

And for those of you with a musical bent: Live, Birds of Prey is awesome as well.

Oh yeah, there's wrestling on tonight! 5 Minutes out: Last week, Smackdown's 3 biggest stars got choke slammed by Big Show. Tonight, it's the war to even the score! Hey, that's catchy; maybe we should call a PPV that... Oh yeah, and some cruiserweight from Japan debuts tonight as well.

WWE Leader leads us into a recap of Vince and Zack's various shenanigans over the past few weeks, including his run in with Silicon... I mean Sable. And to top it off, we get Stephanie's tearful rant. The whole last bit is scored with deep music, I guess to make us actually care that things are not all right in the McMahon family once again.

Is it just me, or is the crappy opening even longer this week? Pyro, and we are live at Madison Square Garden, and John Cena risks life and limb by wearing a Celtics jersey to the ring. John proclaims that he has taken his rightful place at MSG, then proclaims that he's bigger than MSG, drawing the requisite boo's. He then boasts that he will headline Wrestlemania XX next year, then brags on his personal accomplishments.

He acknowledges that one year ago, he took Kurt Angle’s open Challenge, and that's what got him here. He then proceeds to issue a challenge of his own to any rookie. Samuel L. Jackson answers the challenge. For some reason, Sammy is going by the nom du guerre Orlando Jones. Cena laughs him off, but is taken off his feet by a Jordan right hand. Jordan dominates through most of the match, even managing to flip out of an FU attempt and land on his feet. The end comes when Jordan goes for a flying body press, but Cena rolls through and sneaks a 3 count in.

After delivering an FU out of spite, Cena is shocked to hear "Dead Man Walking" and The Undertaker rides on down to the ring. Cena bails, and Undertaker takes the ring. "Taker stands over Orlando for a second, and as he gets up, 'Taker, instead of chokeslamming or Last riding him, gives him an "atta boy" pat and poses for the crowd while we break for commercial before his match against the FBI.

Dan Cortese in another series. I give it 4 episodes.

Back from commercials, and the APA are out to join Taker in the ring. Shortly after, the FBI make it out, showing disrespect to the MSG crowd. Taker doesn't want to wait around, and Nunzio bails when Ron goes after him. Taker and Chuck start, Chuck grabs a side headlock that leads to a shoulderblock. Chuck stupidly throws away the source of his power (his cigar) and falls prey to a drop toe hold by Taker. Chuck is able to keep it even for a bit, but Taker soon takes over, we get Old School, and FBI try to help out, but Taker knocks Johnny down and chases Nunzio off. He turns back into a right hand by Chuck and FBI triple team on him. Tag to Johnny and he gets some offense in until 'Taker gets a DDT out of nowhere. Tag to Ron Simmons. Bull tries to come back, but Ron stops that with a spinebuster. Johnny shrugs it off, tho, and comes back to take Ron down. Tag to Chuck, and he beats on him for a while, Tag to Nunzio, and Nunzio gets cocky. Ron lashes out at Nunzio, but Chuck stops that with a kick to the head. Tag to Chuck proper and he locks in the camel clutch, taking a break in the middle to taunt the crowd. Chuck jumps on Ron's back once, but when he tries again, Ron flips over and Chuck gets the family jewels cracked. Tag to Bradshaw and he's brawling all around. Last Call fallaway slam for Johnny. Nunzio tries to come in, nearly gets last called himself, but Chuck is there to deliver a jungle kick. 'Taker in to hit the chokeslam. Johnny clotheslines 'Taker out of the ring, but turns around into a Clothesline from hell from Bradshaw, and that’s it. After, APA and 'Taker celebrate.

After the match, we get a quick video package hyping Ultimo Dragon's arrival tonight, and we go to commercial.

Back from Commercial, Jamie Knoble and Nidia have a brief fracas with some tourists, then an attorney finds them, and informs them that Jamie’s Aunt Lucille has died. Jamie denies having an Aunt Lucille, until the attorney informs him that she left him $827,000. Jamie and Nidia have the requisite moment of shock, leading to them bursting into celebration.

Back in the arena, Tazz injures all of our ears by singing 'Lucille' by Kenny Rogers. They give us a Wrestlemania Recall (Wrestlemania 1) and we cut to Sable looking over some papers in the back office. Vince walks in, looking very haggard. Sable apologizes for them getting caught last week, and confesses that she still thinks he's a swell looker. Sable is all over him, but Vince tells her, "Not tonight" and goes off to take care of business.

The Rewind of the Week is Benoit and Rhyno from last week.

Back live, and Matt Hardy (W/ Matt Facts: Matt has better abs than Rikishi) is out to take on Rikishi in another first round match up for the US Championship. Matt gets in Rikishi's face with his Mattitude, and Rikishi answers by knocking him down and getting a quick pin attempt for two. Rikishi Squashes Matt in the corner and a Stinkface is set up, but Matt Bails quick. Rikishi chases, but Matt posts him and takes over. Back in the ring, Matt attempts to cover, but Rikishi kicks out. Surfboard applied, but Rikishi reverses and takes over the offense. Rikishi gets a sit out piledriver, covers, Pin only gets 2. Matt set up for the banzai drop, but Matt gets the knees up and stops it. Matt gets a Twist of Fate, but can only get 2. He hits the corner and removes the padding for the turnbuckle, but Rikishi is up and has some offense for Matt. Rikishi goes for the big squash, but Matt moves and Rikishi hits the exposed steel of the turnbuckle. One Twist of fate later, and Matt advances in the tourney.

The Blast of the night is Stephanie blasting away at Vince last week.

Josh has found his way into the crowd and is harassing Billy Kidman (w/ two porn stars at his sides. One of them looks kinda like Avril Lavigne). Billy stumbles through an interview, basically saying that he can't wait to get back in the ring.

The kinda painful interview ends with Rowdy Roddy Piper and Sean O'Hare hitting the ring to take on Los Tajiros for the tag titles. No low-rider tonight, tho, because Eddie and Tajiri are ALL BUISNESS! Sean starts with Eddie, attacking him and working him over in the corner. Eddie quickly turns the tide, tho. Eddie flying all over Sean, getting a slingshot swanton into a pin for 2. Tag to Tajiri and it's his turn to show Sean O'Hare a thing or two, and right about here, Cole embarrasses himself by saying that Sean O'Hare has never been a tag team champion before. Say what? Anyway, Handspring elbow, reverse kick, and tarantula locked in. Roddy interrupts this with a couple kicks to Tajiri's head, tho. Sean back in and devastating Tajiri with some Muy Thai knees. Roddy in and he brawls all over Tajiri. Hey, want to play a fun game? Go rent 'They Live', then watch this match again and wonder what the hell happened to Roddy. Tag back to Sean, and he locks in a head vice. Tajiri tries to fight back, so Sean looks to slam him, but Tajiri wiggles out and gets a reverse bulldog. Double tag, and Roddy and Eddie trade blows. Eddie gets the better of Roddy, so Sean runs back in to help, but gets a dropkick for his troubles. Roddy stumbles around the ring a bit, but ends up face to face with Tajiri, and eats a face full of green mist. Tajiri hangmans Roddy on the rope, Roddy falls backwards just in time for an Eddie frogsplash. 1-2-3! Champions retain.

We review the show ending schmozz from last week.

After, Vince interrupts Tazz and Coles marking out over the 6-man tag match tonight. Vince wastes no time inviting Zack Gowan and Stephanie to the ring. I'll take a moment here to note that Stephanie looks very magically booblicious tonight. Vince starts with her and begins an apology that is constantly interrupted by the crowd. Steph doesn't look like she's buying any of it, tho, giving us her best 'righteously angry' face. Vince then turns to Zack and says that he wants to be him. While Vince is a billionaire, he has yet to do what Zack has done, that's look death in the eye and walk away smiling. He wants to wipe the slate clean, and asks if he accepts Vince's apology. Zack says "No!" Vince starts to change demeanor, and asks again. Zack reiterates: "You heard me, I said no!" Vince says that he may be a little intimidating, Zack busts out that charisma that he's been hiding for the past month and a half, and says Vince doesn’t intimidate him, and calls him a son of a bitch! He spits on Vince’s apology, and says that the only thing he will accept from Vince is a contract. Vince says, "You got it!" just like that. Zack is taken aback by this, but Vince has one stipulation: Join the 'Kiss my ass' club. Vince drops trou, and Zack, after a brief powwow with Steph, answers by giving Vince the uppernut. Vince is left angry and hurting in the ring and Steph and Zack smile their way to the back.

Tazz and Cole shill The Mullets, and we get moments ago featuring Vince and Zack.

Rey bounces out to a monster MSG pop, but he's not wrestling tonight, he's just going to be commentating on Ultimo Dragons debut against Shannon Moore (no entrance). Ultimo Dragon gets the fire breathing dragon treatment for his entrance, and the crowd is going so wild for his arrival that we have to go to commercial.

Back from commercial, Shannon and Dragon trade takedowns and leg scissors to start, ending with both of them standing off. Shannon shows off his Mattitude, and they circle. Shannon grabs an arm wringer. They trade off flipping out of reversals of it. The stand off again, then Shannon gets a kick in and tries a tilt a whirl, but Dragon lands on his feet. Shannon and Dragon chase each other around for a bit, Shannon tries for a waist lock, but Dragon elbows his way out and does a cartwheel elbow to send Shannon to the floor. Dragon teases an aerial attack on Shannon, but fakes him out by backflipping back into the ring. Dragon beckons Shannon back into the ring, and then lays in with the kicks and the punches. Shannon whipped off the ropes, but he grabs on and when Dragon charges, he eats a back elbow and a drop toehold into the ropes to turn the tide. Pin attempt by Shannon gets 2. Shannon drops him on his neck and covers again, only gets 2 again. Shannon locks in a cross face armbar, then slams Dragon down when he tries to get up. Shannon whipping Dragon into the corner, but when he charges in, he eats a boot. Dragon with a spinning heel kick. Dragon goes for Shannon, but Shannon strikes at Dragon. Shannon tries for another tilt a whirl, but Dragon lands on his feet again, and then adds a leg sweep for good measure. Martial arts kicks take Shannon down, cover gets 2. Dragon drags Shannon to his feet, but Shannon gets an elbow into Dragons solar plexus. Shannon charges, but Dragon back body drops him out of the ring, then hits the Asai Moonsault! Both men down outside, but Dragon is up first and rolling Shannon back into the ring. Dragon goes for the cover, only gets two. Dragon with the brawling, but Shannon comes back with some brawling of his own. Shannon sets himself up on the top rope to do something, but Dragon fights out of it, and then hits a top rope chin buster! That looked like it hurt. Dragon with the knees to the chest and gut, goes for a twist of fate type move, but Shannon counters into a suplex, which Dragon counters into a reverse DDT! 1-2-3! Dragon makes a successful debut at MSG. After the match, Rey is in the ring, offering the hand of respect, which Dragon accepts. Rey holds Dragons hand high, and then we go to commercial.

Back from commercials, and it's time for Entrance extravaganza! First out is Kurt Angle with his patriotic and fanfairish 'Medal'. Next up is Mr. America with the '80s rock classic, 'Real American'. Joining them in short order is Brock Lesnar with his machine gun-esque, rough and in your face tune. Their opponents tonight: Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas with an Academic leading to driving guitars tune. And the final player in the game is the Big Show, with his blues tinged theme. Here, take a quick commercial break to discuss the various musical merits of all the participants musical stylings.

Ok, discussion time over, time for wrasslin! Everyone chases each other around the ring for a minute, and Cole shills the match as having a Wrestlemania kind of feel. Survivor series, maybe. USA chants fill the arena, and Kurt Angle starts with Charlie Haas. Lockup, Charlie forced into the corner. Ref separates them. Back together, Kurt with a snap mare takedown, Charlie fights up and gets taken down with a hammerlock. They trade arm drags, Kurt finally hitting his. Shelton tries to run in, gets an arm drag of his own. Kurt throws Charlie into the corner and then back body drops him. Kurt goes for an arm wringer, but Haas gets a knee to the gut and turns it his way. Tag to Shelton, stereo dropkicks and Kurt is officially in trouble. Shelton works Kurt over, but Kurt comes back, only to be knocked back down by Shelton. They trade dominance, Kurt finally getting the better of him and tagging to Mr. America. America works Shelton over, then tags Brock in, who proceeds to dominate Shelton. Shelton gets a shot in, and is able to tag off to Charlie. Charlie comes in, but soon enough, Brock has him on the ropes. Tag to America, and he brawls around with Charlie, tagging Brock back in after this. Brock continues the beatdown on Charlie, taunting Big Show while he does it, and we go to commercial.

Back from commercials, and Lesnar is taking it to Charlie. Shelton goes in, and is thrown right out. Brock goes for the F-5, but gets kicked from behind by Shelton. Double team action ensues, and while the ref tries to hold back Angle and America, Shelton and Haas get the leapfrog back breaker. Tag to Big Show, and he gets a slam or two on Brock and commences to standard Big Show beatdown Formula #1. Big Show misses a big slap in the corner, and Brock gets some shoulders in, but Big Show is back with some more big fat violence. Brock gets a back suplex out of nowhere, tho, and both men are down. Brock to his feet, both men tag and Angle and Haas tie it up again. German Suplexes for everyone! Exploder suplex for Shelton. Drop toehold for Charlie and the ankle lock applied, but Big Show is in with a Boot to da Head (Yaa! Yaa!) Brock charges across the ring to clothesline Big Show out. Angle left alone with Shelton and Haas. They go for the atomic superkick, but Angle dodges, Charlie eats the superkick, and Angle hits the reverse leg sweep on Shelton. Everyone down. Big Show and America ready for the tag. They get the double tag, and America gets his standard set. Big Show whipped off the ropes, but he catches himself and America goes after him, but Haas and Benjamin attack from behind. Angle and Lesnar are in in short order to take care of the former Team Angle, tho, delivering an Angle Slam and an F-5 to send them out. Big show up, tho, Goozle on Angle, Goozle on Lesnar, double chokeslam! Big Show turns to see America giving him the "You!" point. Big Show tries to attack, but he is fended off easily, ending up eating a big boot. America is about to follow up but Mr. McMahon is out with Zack Gowan in a chokehold to distract. McMahon throws him to the ground and kicks him a couple times. America goes to try and help him, but Big Show drags him back in and hits the Chokeslam! Cover, 1-2-3, and The Giant has finally pinned Hollywood Hulk Hogan!

After the pin, Vince continues to torment Zack until Stephanie runs out and covers him to stop the abuse. Vince finally relents, but not before telling Zack that he can earn his place in the WWE. Next week, he and Stephanie will take part in a handicap tag team match, their opponent? The Big Show! Big Show laughs, Steph shows anguish, and we are out.

Well, It was Madison Square Garden, and they brought out some pretty special stuff. Once again, no real stinkers in the match line up, and the entertainment segments didn't go overboard (unlike with Stephanie last week). Zack finally showed us some charisma, lets hope he's tapped into a vibe and wants to keep it. Nothing much more to say beyond that, Smackdown continues to impress.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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