by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Hooray for 4th of July! Not only is it the birth of the United States of America, but also thanks to it, I'm getting a 4-day weekend. By the time most of you read this, I sincerely hope to be somewhere between 1.5-2 sheets to the proverbial wind. Oh, and for out non-USA readers out there: Happy belated Canada Day to our friends up north, and the rest of the world, I hope the weekend is pleasant for ya!

Anyway, time for Smackdown!

5 Minutes out: Whoa! No 5 minutes out bumper!

WWE leader and we go into a recap of Vince and Zack's altercation from last week. God I hope the burst of charisma that Zack showed last week carries over.

After the recap, we get a close-up on Vince McMahon, who promises that tonight, he will personally seal the fate of Mr. America, and reiterates that Stephanie and Zack Gowen will take on Big Show in the first ever "handicap" match. Boy, I bet the writers were chuckling for hours over that one.

We skip the crappy theme completely, and go right into Rey Mysterio vs. Nunzio (W/ FBI). Billy Kidman looks on from ringside arrogantly. Wait a minute; Johnny and Chuck are being ejected from ringside! Wow, and actual fair, evenly matched wrestling match with Nunzio involved! Whodathunk it!

They circle and Rey goes for a head scissors to start, but Nunzio grabs him in mid spin and slams him to the mat. Nunzio with the front face lock, but Rey spins out and grabs an arm wringer. Nunzio reverses it and tries to snap mare Rey, but Rey lands on his feet, runs the ropes and shoulder blocks Nunzio down. Rey runs the ropes again, Nunzio springs up, the trade hiptoss attempts, but Rey jumps up on Nunzio's thighs and jumps over him for a victory roll in the middle of the ring! Nunzio leg claps Rey's head to get out and takes over with a knee to the gut. Rey comes back with a shoulder stand leg scissors that sends Nunzio out. Rey follows up with a flying rolling senton over the top rope and nearly busts his head open on the floor. Nunzio rolled back in. Rey goes up top, but Nunzio runs up after him, going for some kind of Superplex, but Rey shoves him off. Rey goes for the hurricanrana, but Nunzio counters into a power bomb and covers for 2. Nunzio pounds away on Rey for a bit. Rey goes for a backwards head scissors, but Nunzio counters that and face slams Rey to the mat. Nunzio slapping on the surfboard, Rey fighting up, so Nunzio goes for a belly to back, but Rey flips out and bull rushes Nunzio off the ropes into a rollup for an pin attempt, but it only gets two. Rey back up but Nunzio is there with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Nunzio covers, only gets 2. Nunzio with a rear chin lock. Rey with elbows, so Nunzio has a backbreaker for him, the stretching him over the knee. Nunzio going for another tilt-a-whirl, but Rey catches his head and FINALLY hits a leg scissors in this match. Nunzio is right back in Rey's area with a knee lift, and Rey counters with a flying DDT. Both men down, Nunzio up first, but Rey capitalizes first with a flapjack, following with a dropkick to the head. Nunzio into the corner, Rey charges and gets body dropped over the top rope, but Rey springboards in for a West Coast Pop! Cover, only gets two.  Nunzio into the corner, Rey charges right into a knee, Nunzio up to the second rope for a Sicilian Slice. Cover, only gets 2. Rey comes back with a few right hands, Nunzio catches him and tries to dump him out, but Rey pulls him with him. Rey rolls Nunzio back in. The ref looks after Nunzio, but fails to see Johnny and Chuck running to the ring and beating Rey down. Rey back in the ring, Nunzio goes for the cover, but only gets two, he can't believe it! Meanwhile on the ramp, the APA are out to mete out some equalization for FBI. Nunzio tries for another face planter on Rey, but Rey reverses into a drop toehold that sends Nunzio into the ropes. 6-1-9! Springboard leg drop (Dropping the dime, according to Tazz), cover is perfunctory, 1-2-3, Rey wins and retains.

After the match, Billy Kidman jumps in the ring and grabs the title out of the Refs hand and bounces around with it excitedly for a second before shaking Rey's hand and handing the title over. They have a Filthy Animals mini reunion before we cut to...

The Stacker 2 Burn of the night: Possibly Roddy Pipers last appearance on Smackdown, taking the Green mist from Tajiri last week.

Promo for Vengeance: apparently they've decided to forgo the whole Big Show/Brock fighting over the title, say Fuck it, and give us Angle vs. Brock.

Backstage, Angle and Brock share a light repast and joke around with each other over who will win the title at Vengeance. Blonde Cutie walks through and says, "Hey champ!" and they bicker good naturedly over who she was referring to. Blonde cutie walks back in and Angle tells her that he's the champion, takes a swig of milk, and gets clapped on the back by Brock, causing Kurt to spew his milk all over the girl, and making her look like the star of a deviant Japanese porno movie.

Out in the ring, the Bashams have already gotten in, and Shaniqua is giving a little discipline for the enjoyment of us all. Rhyno and Benoit come out to stop this and the match is on!

We start with the Bashams GETTING ROWDY and attacking Benoit and Rhyno to start. Ref finally gets them all separated, and Danny and Rhyno start the match in earnest. Danny brawling Rhyno in the corner, but Rhyno knife edging him out of the corner and across the ring. Cross corner whip, and Rhyno follows up with a spear in the corner. Doug comes back and brawls Rhyno down long enough to tag Danny in. Danny clubbing Rhyno down, but Rhyno comes back with a big clothesline. Rhyno trying to keep it up, but Danny hits an enziguri, and follows up with a couple elbow drops tot he head. Blatant choke, tag to Doug. Doug with a 2nd rope twisting elbow drop. Cover, only gets 2. Some big forearms across Rhyno's face, Doug with the cover, only gets 2. Tag to Danny, and he hits a couple more snap elbow drops. He locks in the side head vice, but Rhyno gets a desperation belly to back suplex. Rhyno almost makes the tag, but Doug runs in to draw Benoit in and the ref forces him back. Basham double team misfires and Rhyno gets the tag. Benoit in cleaning house. Snap suplex for Doug, German for Danny. Going for a second German, but Doug interrupts and they attempt a double team. Rhyno breaks it up, and Benoit gets Danny down into the crossface while Rhyno keeps Doug busy. Doug gets away and breaks up the cross face. Rhyno up and he throws Doug out. Danny sent into the corner, and Benoit slams him in the middle of the ring, and it's time to fly! Benoit up, FLYING HEADBUTT HITS! Benoit with the cover, and Danny runs in and rolling grabs Benoit to break the count up. Rhyno back in, setting Doug up for the GOAR! Danny trips Rhyno up, and Doug flips Rhyno the bird, but is instantly knocked down by Benoit. Danny attacks from behind, and the Bashams set Benoit up for the Ball and Gag, but Rhyno GOARs Doug out of nowhere, Benoit locks in the cross face, and that's all she wrote! Rhyno and Benoit win by submission.

After the match, Shaniqua beckons Benoit to her. Benoit looks like he's in a moment of indecision, but Rhyno drags him off. Shaniqua looks after them as they walk away like, 'Oh yes, you will be mine!"

Backstage, Vince is feeling good about himself and just about to launch into the drum solo of 'Inna-Gadda-Da-Veda' with a pair of pencils as Stephanie walks in. Steph tries to beg off the match tonight with Big Show, saying she isn't a wrestler (But Steph, what about that Women’s Title Reign way back when? Vince tells her, 'Spare the Rod, spoil the child.' Steph says she's not really a child anymore, but Vince throws "But you've always been daddy’s little girl." and walks away chuckling.

Back from commercial, and Steph is breaking out the old wrestling togs when Sable walks in. She has 'just' heard about the match tonight. Wow, she doesn't even watch her own product.  Sable feigns lamentation at Stephanie’s situation. Stephanie rolls her eyes. Sable lets Steph know that should anything happen to Steph tonight, Sable has worked it out with Vince to take over as General Manager.

Earlier today, the saga of the Rich White Trash (Jamie Knoble and Nidia) continues to unfold. They work in a Terminator reference when Jamie dons a pair of shades. Nidia dons a new fur coat, and Jamie tips the driver, and then grabs it right back.

Elsewhere, Orlando Jordan warms up with some Tae Bo, and he turns to see Undertaker has been scoping him out. After recovering from the sheer creepiness of this, Orlando takes some advice on how to earn respect in the WWE (Basically, get your ass kicked a lot and come back asking for more.) Looks like Undertaker has found his new Nathan Jones. John Cena appears out of nowhere, making nonsense noises and dissing on 'Takers advice about respect. He warns 'Taker about sticking his nose into other peoples business, to which 'Taker grunts, "Everyone's gotta learn the hard way."

Out in the arena, the non-wrestling segment for this hour is wrapped up by Billy Gunn making his way to the ring with Torrie for another first round qualifier match for the US title. They do the booty shake for the crowd and we go to commercial.

Back from Commercial, John Cena is out to rap about being the legend he is. He makes a gay joke at Billy, and when the time comes for the curse word of the night (fuck), The tech crew covers it by restarting his music.

John in the ring and Billy has taken umbrage at his words and commences the beat down. Billy working Cena over in the corner. Billy brawls him around the ring a bit, goes for consecutive covers, only gets two each time. Cena bails, Billy follows. Billy going for a whip, Cena reverses and posts Billy. Cena attacking Billy as he rolls in. Vertical suplex, cover, only gets 2. Cena bulldogging Billy down. Billy with some elbows, Cena throws Billy down and lays in with some boots. Cover, gets 2. Cena with some trash talking, and then blasting him with some blows to the dome. Cover, only gets 2. Billy tries to fight back, but falls prey to a back breaker, then back on with the bulldog headlock. Billy back up, this time he gets a power slam. Both men down, Billy up first and he takes advantage on Cena by clubbing him down. Cena into the corner, Billy tries to follow up with a splash, but nobody's home! Cena with the flying snap mare (the Throwback, according to Cole). Cena going for the chain, but "Dead Man Walking" and 'Taker is out. Apparently he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, cause he's just out here to look at the proceedings. Cena goes back after Billy, who rolls Cena up for a small package and the win.

Back stage, and Brock is finding no end to the amusement of Kurt’s experience with the cute blonde. They have a couple friendly slaps, then a couple not so friendly slaps. Kurt gets on Brocks case for being so competitive, to which Brock says "Duh!" Kurt then offers that since they can't actually kick each other’s ass until Vengeance, that they challenge each other at other forms of competition. Brock says Name the Game, and Kurt tells him to do pushups. 300 to be precise. Brock doesn't believe that Kurt can do 300 pushups, but takes him up on it and starts his first. Kurt down counts him a couple times and Brock notices. Kurt starts counting in earnest and we go to commercial.

We return, and Brock is up to 294. He struggles to pound out the last 6, and then does one more for Kurt. Kurt congratulates as Brock lies on the floor in agony. Brock tells Kurt to get started, Kurt lets him know he wins and scurries off, laughing. Brock can't believe he got got like this.

Out to the ring, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin are out to take on Los Tajiros for the tag titles. This weeks low rider is a simple black pickup.

Charlie and Tajiri start. Charlie gets a quick side face lock, but Tajiri works his way out and lays in with the knees, elbows, and kicks. They exchange wrist locks, Tag to Eddie, and he continues working on Charlie’s arm, but Charlie gets the better of him and drags him to his side and tags Shelton in. Eddie gets control and arm wringers Shelton, but Shelton springboards off the ropes to get out of it and reverses the arm wringer on Eddie. A few knees thrown in for good measure. Shelton goes for the snap mare, but Eddie lands on his feet, and answers with a dropkick and a powerslam for Charlie. Shelton ties Eddie up and t-bone suplexes him over. Tag to Charlie. Suplex for Eddie, cover, gets 2. Charlie raking Eddies face and corner whips him. Eddie gets an elbow up, and then hits a suplex. Tag to Tajiri, and he's in with the dropkicks and a big kick for Shelton. Charlie catches Tajiri for a slam, but Tajiri hits a reverse bulldog. Tajiri going for a hurricanrana, but Shelton holds onto Charlie, Tajiri pulled back up, and they hit the Doomsday Device on Tajiri off the ropes. Cover is interrupted by Eddie. Tag to Shelton double slam, cover, only gets two. Shelton gets a camel clutch and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Tajiri makes a brief comeback, but Shelton locks in an abdominal stretch. As the ref gets distracted by Eddie Guererro using the tag rope to get the longest extension, Charlie sneaks in and takes Shelton’s place. After finishing with Eddie, the Ref turns around and sees the color difference, then demands that Shelton get back in here. Turns out it didn't matter who stayed in, as the beat down on Tajiri continues. Tag to Charlie, who continues the beat down. Eddie tries to jump in and save, ref pushes Eddie out. Eddie protests by saying he's had hold of the tag rope the entire time. Tag to Shelton, leapfrog back breaker, Cover. Eddie runs in, breaks up the count, runs back out and holds the tag rope high, drawing wild cheers from the crowd. Tajiri trying to fight back, Shelton going for a power slam. Tajiri kicks off, Shelton turns and Tajiri kicks the left side of Shelton’s face into the third row! Both men down, Double tag, and Eddie is a ball o' far! Suplexes all around for everyone. Charlie tries to get a powerbomb, BUT YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB EDDIE! Eddie with a suplex for Charlie, and then calling for the frog splash. Shelton comes from out of nowhere and stops him. Shelton grabs Eddie, SUPERPLEX! Tajiri in. Handspring elbow for Shelton, who rolls out of the ring. Tajiri tries a baseball slide, but Shelton moves and clotheslines him down. Eddie and Charlie down in the ring. Charlie rolls Eddie over for a cover, only gets 2. Charlie goes for a vertical suplex; Eddie lands on his feet behind him and goes for a German. Charlie elbows out, so Eddie shoves him off the ropes and Tilt-a-whirls him into a backbreaker. Eddie covers, only gets two as Shelton breaks it up. Tajiri in to kick the shit out of Shelton. Charlie breaks that up and the double team commences. Tajiri escapes, dodges a Charlie charge into the corner and kicks the Right side of Shelton’s face into the 5th row! Charlie whipping Tajiri into the corner, but on the charge, he falls prey to the Tarantula. Eddie goes up for the frog splash, but while jumping over Charlie and Tajiri, Shelton moves and Eddie eats canvas and looks like he's effed up his knee. Shelton returns the favor to Tajiri for all the kicks in the face and boots him in the mush, sending him flying onto the hood of the low rider. Eddie sees this and is about to go out after Tajiri when Charlie grabs him and they hit the atomic super kick. Shelton bails and grabs the ref, who slides in and counts 1-2-3! Ladies and gentleman, we have NEW Tag Team Champions! Shelton and Charlie celebrate up the ramp while Eddie laments his partner’s fall.

Backstage, Zack stretches out. Big Show comes up on him, makes a comment about having one leg left, laughs evilly, and leaves Zack with an, 'I'm so gonna kick your ass' look on his face.

Moments ago, the Tag titles changed hands.

Back to now, Eddie is worried about Tajiri, who is still sprawled out on the roof of the low rider. Eddie goes to Tajiri, but instead of looking into the welfare of his partner, he rolls Tajiri off the hood and laments the damage to the hood of his car!

While Eddie pines, we go over the history of Mr. America real quick. Back to the arena, and Eddie is practically mourning his truck. Eddie turns around and starts pummeling Tajiri. Eddie Pick Tajiri up, slams him on the hood again, and then decides that isn't enough, so he picks him up and puts him through the windshield! Crowd chants "Ho-lee Shit!" at this and we go to commercial.

Moments ago, Eddie did something not-nice to Tajiri, and Tajiri was carried off by EMT's

In the ring now, Orlando Jordan is out to take one of those ass kicking’s that Undertaker told him about from A-Train. Orlando tries hard, but A-Train is a hoss, you know. Nothing too special here, just your average A-Train squash, with your typical jobber offense thrown in to keep the marks from falling all the way asleep.

Backstage, Stephanie gets cornered by Big Show who hits on her (Dude, HHH is SOOO gonna kick your ass!) As she scrambles away, Vince stops Big Show and reminds him that it's still his daughter that will be in the ring tonight. He also tells Show to listen up to his next announcement, as it concerns him as well.

Tonight’s Wrestlemania Recall is Wrestlemania III: Jake the Snake getting pinned by Honkytonk Man, then Alice Cooper helping Jake give Jimmy Hart a Damien bath!

Vince is out with Sable in tow, who is wearing a skirt about two sizes too small. Vince panders Sable for a second, and then gets down to business. He recaps his intentions with Hulk Hogan, those being he never wanted Hogan to enter a WWE ring again. He goes over the whole deal with Mr. America, and reveals that last week, the cameras kept rolling, and Vince has the footage for everyone to see. Vince shows the tape, and it shows Hogan jumping back into the ring at MSG, peeling up the mask and giving the crowd (and all the cameras) a full view of his face as he poses.

Back to now, Vince gloats over his own genius, and announces that Hogan AND Mr. America are now FIRED!

Vince moves on to talk about Zack Gowen. Crowd chants "Asshole!" Vince defers by asking why the crowd is calling Zack an asshole. Vince also has a couple announcements. Tonight’s match against Big Show is now no DQ/No Holds Barred. His second announcement is that now the title match at Vengeance will a triple threat match: Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle, and the Big Show. Vince then takes Sables arm and they take a seat at ringside for the upcoming slaughter... err... match.

The Extreme Blast of the night is Zack blasting Vince in the balls last week.

Weeeeeellllllll! Big Show is out, Followed by Steph, who isn't very confident of her chances. Zack has some pretty cool entrance music to bring him out. He hobbles down to ringside. Zack tells Steph to stay back and attacks Show to start. Show shrugs him off and gives him a big slap to put him down. Zack thrown out of the ring. Big Show follows, and Steph jumps on his back, trying to choke him out. Big Show shrugs her off and goes after Zack, who has disappeared under the ring. Show grabs the exposed leg, and yanks the prosthetic leg out. Big Show is slightly amused by this, then goes to look for him. Zack pops up on the other side of the ring, minus the prosthetic leg. Zack hops across the ring and dropkicks Big Show through the ropes. Zack then goes for a slingshot body press over the top rope, but Big Show catches him and tosses him back in the ring. Stephanie up and she slaps Show. Show grabs her and throws her back into the ring as well. Zack jumps up and has a few right hands for Big Show, but Big Show just shrugs him off, head butts him aside, and picks Steph up and holds her up one handed. Vince is up showing a bit of compassion, but then he waves Big Show off and tells him to toss her around a bit. Zack is up again and he has a dropkick for Vince, and then one for Big Show. Zack with some right hands to keep Big Show reeling, but Big Show clotheslines him down. At Vince’s encouragement, Big Show picks him up and choke slams him. While Big Show gloats, Vince steps on Zack and grinds his shoe into him. Steph is up, she spins Vince around and slaps him across the face. Vince gets in Steph's face and backs her into Big Show, who goozles her and gets ready to chokedamp her, but Kurt Angle is down to make the save. Big Show saw him coming, tho, and goozles Kurt. Kurt blatantly kicks Show in the nuts and slaps on the ankle lock. Vince is in with a steel chair, and he lays Kurt out. Brock is out (apparently his arms are feeling better now), Vince takes a swing at him, Brock ducks, kick to the gut, Vince up to feel the pain of the F-5. Brock turns around and walks right into a Big Show boot. Big show goes to pick up the chair, but Zack is over to kick the chair up into Big Show's face! Kurt grabs Show, and hits the angle slap. Brock grabs Show and hits the F-5! Angle and Brock make way for Zack to dropkick Vince out of the ring, and then hit a top rope moonsault! Zack grabs the leg; the ref is down, 1-2-3! And as the crowd goes wild, you can actually see the look on Big Show's face say, 'Damn, I've come full circle! getting pinned by Jeff Hardy to getting pinned by a one legged kid even lighter weight than Jeff!' Steph is up to celebrate, Angle and Brock take their leave, Vince seethes in rage outside the ring, and Zack stand triumphant.

Damn good show tonight, continuing the streak on non-crappy stuff. Benoit, Cena, Rhyno, Rey, etc had to stick to simply wrasslin tonight while we forwarded the Vince vs. Steph/Zack angle, but that's ok, they got out there and busted ass and gave us some entertaining matches. The tag title match is match of the week, in my book. Los Tajiro's may be in danger of breaking up, I dunno how forgiving Tajiri can be of being forced to eat glass. I didn't hear any Eddie Sucks chants, but that could just be because the crowd drowned them out with the Holy Shit chants. Eddie turning heel is the natural cycle of things, just like winter becomes spring, and as a heel is where Eddie works his best. Should lead to a truly kick ass match at Vengeance. Orlando Jordan looks to be the new Rickey Morton, only without Robert Gibson to bail him out, and Zack's win was requisitely inspiring. Very good show.

See ya next week.

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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