by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Anyway, On to the recap!

5 minutes out: The Road to vengeance Continues tonight! Presumably with more Brock and Big Show shenanigans!

WWE leader, and we jump right in to a review of last weeks 3-on-1 between Brock, The Worlds Greatest Tag Team, and The Big Show.

Opening theme check: yup! Still sucks!

PYRO! And we are live (Taped) from The Rick's Hometown! And later tonight, TWGTT and the Big Show take on Kurt Angle.

But first, here comes Vince with that cocky swagger that we all know and love. Vince flexes the pec for a sec, and welcomes us all to Smackdown. He goes over the events concerning Zack Gowan over the past two weeks. Vince didn't forget that Zack won with the help of Brock and Angle. He then goes on to say that people need to be taught a lesson. Last Week, Brock was taught a lesson, this week, Kurt will be taught a lesson, and at Vengeance, Zack will be taught a lesson. Vince doesn't get much farther before Brock interrupts his spiel and makes his way to the ring. They face off in the ring, Vince warns him not to cross the boss, Brock says that he's not here to cross the boss; he's here to BEAT THE BOSS! He challenges Vince to a match. Vince says, "You're on!" But not tonight. You see, Vince wants to take Brock on when he's 100%, no less, and Vince knows Brocks ribs are hurting from the match last week. He pokes at them, and Brock flinches. Vince shows us all what a swell guy he is by telling Brock that he's got the night off, and if he interferes in Kurt Angles match later tonight in any way, then he will be stripped of the title and fired! Brock reluctantly grabs his title and makes to leave, but before he leaves, he tells Vince "I know I can't F-5 you, so instead: F You!" (Not to be confused with F-U, John Cena's finisher)

After this, Tazz and Cole go over Benoits win over Rhyno in the US title tourney, thus bringing Benoit out to take on Matt Hardy (W/ Shannon and Matt Facts: Matt's beard is Much cooler than Benoit's, and Matt tans only wearing a sock.)

Matt gets in Benoits face to start, Benoit goes for a quick cross face, but matt gets away. They lock up, and Matt is thrown off. Test of Strength, and Benoit turns it into a spinning arm bar. Matt up, Benoit keeping the hammer lock on. Matt comes back with some elbows, but Benoit NAILS him with a quartet of chops. Benoit ties Matt up in the ropes and continues the offense. Benoit whips off to do something, but is tripped up by Shannon Moore, who proceeds to nail Benoit in the neck. Matt free of the ropes, he locks in a full nelson. Benoit powers up, but Matt knocks him down with an elbow to the temple. Surfboard applied, Benoit gets out. Matt going for a twist of fate, Benoit reverses into a backslide. Only gets 2. Benoit coming back, Shannon tries to interfere, but Benoit takes care of him with a German suplex. Benoit with a cross face, Matt bleeding from the face copiously. Matt makes the ropes, Benoit breaks the hold. Matt gets a twist of fate, cover gets two. Matt goes up for a flying headbutt, misses by a mile. Count is on, at 8, both men are up. Trading rights, Benoit hits two Germans; Matt takes Benoit out of the ring, but gets yoinked off the apron. Back in the ring, Benoit hits the third German, then signals to go up for the flying headbutt. Matt Moves! Matt goes up for the yodeling leg drop, but is cut off mid yodel by Benoit running up to meet him on the top rope. They slug it out for a second, with Matt getting the better of the exchange. Matt sets up for the side effect from the top rope, but Benoit reverses into a crossface in mid air. Matt struggles valiantly, but eventually taps, and Benoit moves on to the finals! We go over the sweet reversal into the crossface, and then it's off to commercials.

The cool color of the night is Sable bringing some color to Stephanie’s face by smashing a clipboard into her face, and the ensuing catfight.

Backstage, Vince is bragging until he is interrupted by Steph. Steph wants to know where Sable is, but Vince has her hidden, for Steph's safety, of course. BUT, Sable has a peace offering for Steph: Midol. Steph is mildly amused, and slaps the pills out of Vince's hand. Vince makes the obligatory PMS joke...

And Kurt is catching up to Brock, asking him why he's leaving. Brock reminds him of Vince's statement in the ring earlier. They banter for a bit, and Kurt sees Brock off. Brock tells him there will be no excuses come Vengeance. Kurt comes back, "I've never made an excuse in my life!"

Commercials. Everyone I’ve talked to says that knights of the Old Republic will single-handedly undo the disappointment of Star Wars: Galaxies. We'll see about that.

The slam of the week is Jamie 'slamming' Torrie with the $10,000 offer.

Out in the arena, Jamie Knoble is out with Nidia. He blames his offer last week on being hot headed, and states that Torrie is worth WAY more than $10K, so he offers $25K, and Nidia has heard enough. She departs, and ultimo Dragon is out to kick some ass.

Test of strength to start, which Dragon turns into a corkscrew head lock with his legs. Jamie tries some basic offense, but is no match for Dragons martial arts prowess. Jamie is able to get a couple shots in, but Dragon send Jamie out of the ring, and follows up with the Asai Moonsault. Jamie rolled back in, Dragon up top, but Jamie catches him with a kick to the chest (and got some nice air with that one too!) Jamie locks in the tiger driver, but Torrie and Billy Gunn are out to distract from the ramp (Torrie wearing a skirt that looks like a towel wrapped around her.) This is the opening Dragon needed, and Jamie gets German suplexed, with Dragon rolling through and pinning with a bridge. Afterwards, Jamie is mad, Torrie and Billy share a laugh at his expense.

We cut to a graveyard, and holy shit! It’s Vampiro!! No wait; it's just John Cena. He has a quick rap for the Undertaker (See, Undertaker is "The Dead Man" and John's in a Cemetery, Get it?), and pisses on a Gravestone to punctuate his argument.

We get an outside shot of the picturesque arena in Columbus, and then a recap of the Fatal Four-way from last week.

Earlier today, the APA handed out invitations to the first ever APA invitational Barroom Brawl. Spanky can't wait, Kanyon tries to beg off with an appointment to hook up his cable, the APA spell it out for him that this isn't optional, he'd better be there. Ron takes a second and wonders aloud why they aren't getting paid for kicking ass, Bradshaw tells him that they should get the wrestlers to pay them for the privilege of getting their ass kicked by the APA. Ron can only say, "Damn!" They high five, and move on.

Out in the ring, Rey and Kidman are out to take on The Conquistadors (Tazz says they are #45 and 47 to wear the Conquistador masks.)

Kidman starts with Joey Mat... I mean #47 and proceeds to take him to school. Tag to Rey, more of the same. Christi.... I mean #45 ties to interfere, but is easily taken care of. Match ends with #45 taking a 6-1-9, Shooting Star press, and 1-2-3. Yup, it was that short, and about that eventful. Filthy Animals celebrate, we go to commercials.

Back from commercials, and oh joy; Vince is out in the ring again. He's here to finish the train of thought he had earlier before Brock so rudely interrupted him. He goes off on a tangent, praising Sable, and goes into exotic detail about how she's a hunter or what not. He snaps back into the pressing subject, and tells us that Zack isn't really a hero, but a sickening amputee. Crowd boo's him for this, and Vince goes on to tell us that we all avoid the handicapped and sick because we don't like stuff like that. Well, yeah, Vince, but what's your point? Vince goes on to tell us that he's going to put Zack out of his misery at Vengeance, and is subsequently interrupted by John Cena (wow, that cemetery must have been really close by.)

John proceeds to suck up by drawing comparisons between Zack and Ted Turner. John feels that Zack's career is as prosthetic as his leg. He talks trash about Undertaker and Zack, and continues to butter Vince up. Vince is soaking this up with a sponge and even throws a "Word Life!" in for good measure before being interrupted by "Dead Man Walking!" Cena is not happy to see 'Taker as he rides down on his bike. Vince bails as 'Taker jumps in the ring. Cena attacks, but 'Taker comes back, Cena eats a boot, and 'Taker stands tall in the ring.

We come back from commercials, and Rhyno is already in the ring, ready to take on Sean O'Hare.

Sean strikes first, knocking Rhyno out of the ring and savaging him with kicks and punches and knees. Sean grabs a cable and starts choking Rhyno out when the APA's music hits, and Ron and Bradshaw are out to give invites to Sean and Rhyno. Sean decides to start the party early and attacks Ron. Ron and Bradshaw fight back, but Sean slips away, and laughs his way up the ramp, saying, "I'll be there!" Bradshaw says all right, picks Ron up off the floor, and they tell the ring boy to make sure Rhyno gets the invitation when he wakes up.

Up in the Skybox, Sable is served a pink Lady looking kind of drink, then goes into bitchy customer mode and gets on the cute waitresses case for not having it chilled. The waitress goes to chill it, Sable rolls her eyes, and we are back to commercials.

Tonight’s Wrestlemania Recall: Butterbean taking Bart Gunn out at Wrestlemania 15.

Viva la Rasa! Eddie is out to take on Billy Gunn in the second Semifinal match of the night. Tonight’s low rider is a classic white Cadillac (license plate: 2PHAT4U). You know what Billy should have done when he passed the caddy? Opened the trunk and pulled out a big box with big letters that read JUNK! It would have been the most intentionally humorous thing Billy's done in years!

In the ring, they circle, and they go for a test of strength. Billy wrenches Eddie’s wrist around and shoulder blocks him out of the ring. Eddie back in, and they trade headlocks, Eddie returns the shoulder block, but Billy is there with a power slam. Cover gets 2. Billy hits a delayed vertical suplex. Cover gets 2. Billy slapping on the Surfboard, Eddie kicks Billy in the face to get out. Eddie with the right hands in the corner, pounding Billy down. Head vice applied, Torrie pumps Billy up. Billy gets a belly to back to break up the hold. Eddie back up first tho, and he applies a reverse chin lock with a knee in the back. Tazz points out that Torrie is bouncing around. I'll talk more on this in a second. Billy fights his way up, and gets a hiptoss into a brain buster. Nice! Cover gets 2. Billy sets Eddie up on the top rope, and takes just a little too long going for the splash as Eddie moves and Billy bounces his head off the post. Eddie up and he gets a big missile dropkick. Cover only gets 2, tho. Eddie pounding on Billy, but Billy fights free, calls for the fameasser, but Eddie dropkicks his leg out from under him, Eddie tries to lock in the Lasso from El Paso, but Billy’s Knee pops out and makes the ropes. Eddie works on the knee, and gets two quick vertical suplexes, then calls for the frogsplash. Eddie flies, Billy moves! Eddie eats canvas. Billy with the cobra clutch slam, cover gets 2. Billy up, calling for the fameasser. Jamie Knoble runs out at this point with a steel chair. The ref catches him and takes the chair from him. Eddie shoves Billy into the ref, who drops the chair. While the ref recovers in the ropes, Eddie blasts Billy with the chair, then drops the chair in between them and plays Possum. The ref turns around and sees the chair and both men out, doesn't know what to make of it, shrugs and throws the chair out. Eddie 'comes to,' Rolls over, and drapes an arm over Billy. Ref counts, and Eddie will be meeting Benoit in the US Title tournament Finals at Vengeance. I'll be there (well, at Hooters, anyway), popcorn shrimp in hand and marking out like a madman!

Up in the skybox, Josh Matthews has found Sable, and they stumble through something resembling an interview until Stephanie appears with Sable's drink and dumps it on her. This leads to them having a food fight and Stephanie unleashing some of the most ungodly grunts I've ever heard. I'm talking it didn't sound like they were fighting; it sounded like a bad porno overdub. Anyway, Sable beats on Steph for a bit, and then Steph returns the favor. Oh yeah, and Josh got slapped at some point.

Moments ago, Sable and Steph made a fetish video.

Tazz and Cole review the matches set up for Vengeance thus far, and we go to the ring and Kurt Angle is out for his ritualistic beating from TWGTT and Big Show. Kurt's entrance is so big, tho, that we have to go to commercials.

"WEEELLLLLL!" Big show kicks off our return from commercials, followed shortly by TWGTT. The heels surround Angle. Show fakes to Angle, but TWGTT attacks and pounds Angle down in the corner. Charlie gets out, and Shelton stays. Shelton kicking Angle down. Angle comes back with a back body drop, followed up with a clothesline. Angle with the rights in the corner, the last so hard that Shelton is sent up to the top rope. Charlie tries to charge in, Angle sidesteps him and he rams into Shelton’s crotch. Shelton does the "accidental falling on his own partners crotch" bit from the tope rope almost as an afterthought, because Angle is now occupied with Big Show. Angle ducks a haymaker, and lays in with the rights, but Big Show stops that with a big Headbutt. Show punishing Angle in the corner, but Kurt is resilient and comes back with some right hands. Big Show reverses a whip, Shelton pops up and trips Kurt up. Kurt goes after him, but Shelton has a trash can lid and blasts Angle with it. Big Show covers, but Kurt kicks out. Big Show tosses Kurt out, and the beat down commences outside the ring. Heels take turns abusing Angle with the ring steps, steel chairs, the ring itself. Big Show tossed Kurt back in. Big slaps, Kurt whipped to the ropes, but he hangs on and gives a charging Big Show a low bridge. Show tumbles out of the ring and Charlie rushes in, only to eat a German Suplex. Shelton comes in with a brief flurry of offense, but Kurt has a German for him as well. Cole calls Big Show the Giant (Haw!) Big Show has the steel steps and he sets them up beside the announce table. Before he can do anything, Angle bulldogs Show's head into the steps, then follows up with a chair shot to the back. We go to commercials with Angle keeping the offense up on Big Show.

Dude, Jared! That Chick was so into you, and all you can do is talk about SUBWAY'S CHICKEN SANDWICHES!?

Back from commercials, And Angle is in a bad place, getting beat down by TWGTT outside the ring. Angle comes back with a clothesline out of nowhere for Shelton, and he and Charlie brawl into the crowd. Angle locks in an ankle lock, but is attacked from behind by Shelton. Shelton gets a quick flurry of offense, but Kurt slams him into the barricade. Kurt back to slap the ankle lock on Charlie, but Big Show is there to break it up. Show signals for the choke slam on the stage. Goozle, but Kurt has a kick for the family jewels for Big Show. His upper hand is short lived, tho, as TWGTT is there to pinball him back up the ramp. Kurt rolled back into the ring, Charlie with the trash can lid, Kurt takes it from him and smashes him with it. Shelton in, and he gets more of the same. Big Show in, and he gets two shots. Kurt with the chop block, but Big Show gets a clothesline out of nowhere. As Big Show tries to clear the cobwebs, Zack Gowan bounces down the ramp, throws the prosthetic leg away, and jumps in the ring and hits show with a flying knee! He then hits a dropkick with a back flip in Charlie, a regular old dropkick on Shelton, but gets grabbed and tossed like a rag doll by Big show. Kurt is back up, tho, right hands, Angle Slam! Angle Slam for Shelton! Charlie tries to go for a German, but Kurt standing switches him and hooks the leg for the ankle lock! Charlie is about to tap when Big Show kicks Kurt in the mush. Big Show grabs Kurt and throws him out of the ring, and sets up for the choke slam off the ring steps. Zack distracts by flying body pressing himself into Show! Big Show catches him and tosses him aside, but Kurt takes this moment to grab the steps and knock Big Show out over the barricade. Shelton and Charlie attack again, tho, and set Kurt up for the Atomic drop superkick. Kurt catches Shelton’s foot, and spins him around into a dragon whip on his own partner! Charlie is out cold, Shelton can't believe it. Kurt takes him down and locks in the ankle lock. Shelton holds out for as long as he can, but it's too much, and he taps! Kurt Angle Wins!

After the match, Kurt celebrates, then goes back to pick Zack up. As they walk/hop up the ramp, Big Show has finally come to and we get a close-up of him with The Rage. One last shot of Kurt and Zack, and we are out!

Another good show. Matches of the night were Benoit/Hardy and the 3-on-1. Kurt put on another fine showing and one-upped Brock in the bragging rights game (and I'd take a win in a 3-on-1 over a pushup contest any day). That could be mitigated by Zack's help, but the fact remains that Kurt won this weeks match. We’ll see next week if this leads to more good natured bantering, or maybe a little bit more in your face-ness from Brock. Lets hope for the latter, it'll make for better drama at Vengeance. Downsides: a little too much Vince, and the god-awful Sable/Steph fracas.

Oh, and about that Tazz commenting on Torrie: JR could take a lesson from Tazz. Tazz commented on Torrie for the few seconds she was on the screen during a lull in the match. As soon as the action picked back up again, Torrie was left on the wayside and Tazz went back to commenting on the match. If it had been Lawler there doing the commentary, We wouldn't have heard anything about the match out of his mouth until Eddie pinned Billy because of his incessant drooling over Torrie's puppies while JR tries to cover for him. THAT is why Tazz and Cole are arguably the better announcing team working on the two shows.

Anyway, another fine effort by Smackdown, and with 10 days to go and the card pretty much set, all that's left for next week is to make us care that much more about the events that will transpire at Vengeance.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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