by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Well, The response to my first Deconstruction column is pretty good. Many of you are E-mailing me, giving your take on the things I said and such, and I haven’t gotten any outright, "J00 5ux0r!" E-mails, so I guess I'll keep on going. One thing I'll admit, Rick was right, Deconstructing HHH was pretty much shooting fish in a barrel, as pretty much every aspect of his career and life have already been analyzed to death. With my next column, I hope that it'll provide a bit more challenge. Here's to hoping that next weeks subject is a little more worthy of the treatment.

Oh, and one last thing: as with most of the columnists on this site, the views I put forth in the Deconstruction are My Own Damned Opinion (tm). I’m not meaning to offend or annoy, I’m just stating the way I think things should be.

Anyway, enough rambling, on with the recap!

5 Minutes out: A Hungry Challenger! A Heroic Champion!  Two legends battle it out for the world title TONIGHT!

WWE Leader, and we rehash the 3-Way from last week where Undertaker came out on top, thereby drawing cries from Internet pundits everywhere that this signaled the end of Kurt Angle as a main eventer and that he’d be wrestling Tajiri and Spanky on Velocity next week! Ok maybe not…

“I want it all!” And with a burst of pyro, we are LIVE (taped) from New Orleans, and later tonight, we got a match for the World title (maybe you heard about it?) and the Bourbon Street Bikini contest!

First out of the gate, APA is out to take on the Worlds Greatest Tag team for the titles.

Everyone brawling to start, Faarooq ends up with Charlie in the ring as Shelton takes care of Bradshaw outside. Shelton back in and they double team, hit the leapfrog backbreaker, and cover gets two. Shelton staying in the ring with Faarooq and working him over. Tag to Charlie, who continues where Shelton left off. Bear Hug locked in, and Faarooq tries to club his way out, but Charlie takes him down and cover gets 2. Charlie goes up, but flying body press is reversed into a slam. Hot Tag to Bradshaw, and its time to GET ROWDY! Charlie stops the momentum for a sec, but eats a boot to the face, then gets powerbombed for a 2 count. Tag to Faarooq, and he continues to work Charlie over, hitting a powerbomb of his own, but the cover is interrupted by Shelton. Shelton works Faarooq over, but Faarooq gets a slam out of nowhere and tags Bradshaw in. Bradshaw going for the big boot, but Shelton ducks, whips off the ropes and eats a boot on the return. Cover only gets 2. Bradshaw picks Shelton up and Shelton reverses a whip into the corner. Shelton charges in, but Bradshaw isn’t there. Bradshaw hits the clothesline from hell, and that looks like that’s it, but Charlie puts Shelton’s leg on the ropes. Bradshaw goes after Charlie, but eats a tag belt instead. Shelton covers and Champs retain.

Outside, Eddie is polishing up his low rider when Vince, Big Show, and Sable arrive. He and Eddie have a quick exchange and then Vince runs right into Brock, who is unhappy that Vince never calls. Vince brings up that Brock tapped out as a reason and tells him not to yell at him. They head off to have a conversation in Vince’s office; meanwhile Eddie is still polishing his car as we go to commercial.

Back, and Vince and Brock are arguing. All Brock wanted was a simple phone call, Vince says he didn’t deserve one. He tells Brock that he’s a monster and slaps him for effect. Brock is about to pulverize Vince, but Vince talks him down and tells him to BE a Monster!

Out in the ring, John Cena is out, and he talks about how Eddie is staying beside his car because if he doesn’t, John will “Jack that crap with a Compton quickness!” This leads us to footage from last week of Cena FUing Eddie on the wheel. He goes on to rap about how he dominated Eddie last week, and tonight the crowd is cooperative when He throws it to them for the swear word of the night.

This brings Eddie out, driving his Low rider to the ring. Eddie takes about 3 seconds to gather his thoughts, and then jumps Cena in the ring, laying on the EL PASO VIOLENCE! Cena thrown out of the ring, Eddie chases him out and lays some more beating on. Eddie rolling Cena back in, Cena grabs the US title, tho, and clocks Eddie with it. Cena then bails out, jumps in Eddies Low Rider and proceeds to drive out, much to Eddie’s consternation.

We go to a tale of the tape between Undertaker and Angle (both are tied with 4 WWF/E title runs apiece) and we go to commercial.

During the break, Cena drove off with Eddie’s car.

In Stephanie’s office, Eddie yells about it. Stephanie tries to calm him down and tells him that next week, he can name his match against Cena. Eddie says that it’s going to be a Latino Street Fight, and he’s going to show Cena what being on the street is REALLY like.

Out in the ring, Chris Benoit is out (W/ Highlights of his beat down by Rhyno last week) to take on A-Train again.

A-train start with some brawling, but Benoit comes back with some knife-edges. A-Train shrugs them off and forces Benoit into the corner and starts with the punches and kicks. Benoit whipped from turnbuckle to turnbuckle. A-Train drives the knee into Benoit’s back and locks in a chin lock. A-Train releases in and knocks Benoit down with one of his own Chops and proceeds to taunt him about how Benoit can’t beat him. A-train locking in the bear hug, and then slamming Benoit into the corner. Benoit comes back with a flurry of offense, but A-0Train stops that with a shoulder block. Benoit slips around, gets the waist lock, and hits the hat trick Germans! Benoit signals for the flying Headbutt, goes up top, he flies, he Misses! A-Train picking him up and hitting the Derailer, and covers, but Benoit is under the ropes and the ref points this out. A-Train is nonplussed by this, and lets the ref know. Benoit is back up and tries to lock in the cross face, but A-Train is resisting. A-Train fireman carry’s him over and Benoit’s feet hit the ref. Benoit continues to work on A-Train as Rhyno jumps in the ring. Rhyno going for the GOAR! But he hits A-Train instead. Rhyno charges back, but Benoit helps him over the top rope and grabs a cover on A-Train. Ref counts, and Benoit makes off with another (tainted?) win against A-Train. Rhyno back in the ring, but Benoit is out and enjoying his victory.

Elsewhere, undertaker has the deepest respect for Kurt Angle, but he knows how Angle works, and will win the match by keeping it on their feet and not letting Kurt get the Ankle lock in. Commercials.

Back, and Tazz and Cole are hyping Jake 2.0, and later tonight, Rey Mysterio will defend against Tajiri.

Backstage, Nidia and Torrie get ready for the Bikini Contest. Torrie shows Nidia how to work it, Nidia installs some falsies, and they rub lotion over each other, causing fanboys all over the world to have a new favorite Diva memory.

Kurt Angle was serious about being honored to step in the ring with Undertaker, but he predicts that this match will end with Kurt walking out with the title.

Backstage, Vince and Big Show are standing guard in front of Steph’s office while loud banging noises emanate from within. Steph shows up and wants to know what’s going on. Vince tells her to chill out, she’ll have her office back in a few minutes, and they disappear inside.

The Soul Caliber Rewind is Undertaker giving Brock the Last ride last week.

Out in the arena, and Undertaker is out on his bike. Wow, it’s not even 9 yet and they are having the world title match? Cole lets us know that Undertaker dislocated his wrist during the match last week.

Kurt is out, he hands the title over, and it’s on!

Kurt going for the legs, but Taker is staying out of reach. They lock up, and Taker shoves Kurt off. Lock up again, and Kurt goes for a hammerlock into a face lock. They trade wrist wringers, headlocks, and then break apart. Locking back up, taker gets a wringer and yanks the shoulder. Kurt gets Taker down, but Taker grabs Kurt’s head in a leg scissors. Kurt working out, but Taker is able to apply a short arm lock. Kurt reverses into a pin attempt, which Taker kicks out. Kurt pulls Takers legs out from under him and tries again, but only gets 2. Both men up, and Taker reaches for Kurt, but Kurt grabs the wrist and works a short arm lock. Undertaker works out, reverses the wrist wringer, and hits old School. Taker back in, but Kurt gets the waist lock and hits a German. Kurt tries again, but Taker blocks and gets a slam. Taker dragging Kurt out to the apron and he hits a pair of elbows, then the guillotine leg drop. Taker picks Angle up and rams him into the ring post, and we go to commercial.

We get the extended version of the Cabin Fever commercial. Wow, if THOSE are the tamer parts, I can’t wait to see the REALLY gruesome stuff! What can I say; I’m a reborn horror geek.

Back from commercials, and Angle is taking a pounding from Taker. Taker pummeling Angle with the right hands. Kurt comes back with right hands, and locking in a sleeper hold. Taker reverses the sleeper with a side suplex. Taker is up first and going for the dragon sleeper, but Kurt reverses with a fireman’s carry slam, cover, but Taker kicks out at 2. Both men fighting it out, Taker gets a squash in the corner, another one, Three! Kurt eats a boot, and Taker calls for the leg drop. Kurt sits up just in time and grabs an ankle lock. Taker twists out of it and attacks, but Angle with the Angle Slam. Pin only gets two. Kurt back up and calling for another one, but Taker beats Angle to the punch with a choke slam! Cover, 1-2-no! Taker can’t believe it, so he goes to finish it off with a Last Ride. Angle reverses with a sunset flip into an Ankle lock! Taker reverses into a Fujiwara Arm bar, but Kurt is able to get out and reapply the ankle lock. Taker struggles for a bit, but reverses out, draws Kurt in, and locks in the triangle choke! Kurt Fades out fast, and the ref starts dropping the arm. On the third try, tho, Kurt gets his foot on the rope. Taker breaks the hold and both men slowly get to their feet. Taker charges in, But Kurt low bridges him and grabs an ankle while Taker is tied up in the ropes. Kurt has to break it, tho, and Taker tumbles out. Kurt reaches out to grab Taker, but eats a Taker elbow. Taker into the ring and working Kurt over again, calling for the choke slam. But Kurt was playing possum and he returns with a flurry of rights, but Taker answers with a knockdown of his own. Taker going for the choke slam again, but Kurt grabs a leg and locks in ANOTHER ankle lock. Taker twists out, sending Angle flying, and it’s time for the last ride. Kurt picked up, Gutwrench, Slam! But before Taker can cover, Brock is out to blast Taker with a steel chair, drawing the DQ. Chair shots for Angle, and Brock soaks up the “You tapped out!” chants for a bit before making his exit and we go to commercials.

This week on Confidential: Superstar Billy Graham.

Moments ago, Brock Lesnar ruined the match of the year (according to Cole, of course.)

During the break, Taker limps backstage and refuses the help of refs and Michael Hays.

Elsewhere, Angle gets iced down.

Earlier tonight, Tazz Hosted the Bikini contest. You all know the drill. All the diva’s came out, showed their stuff off (Nidia doing a bit of comedy with Tazz involving her beads and his nads). Torrie wins, of course, and Shaniqua came out and proceeded to destroy Nidia and Torrie.

Backstage, The APA lament their loss earlier tonight, but Bradshaw has a surprise that turns Faarooq’s smile upside down: They have a new APA Door (complete with Doorbell) and the APA is back in business. Inside, Bradshaw introduces us to James, the APA’s new butler. Seems Bradshaw won him in a game. Faarooq asks what they need a butler for, and the Butler produces a tray with beer, cigars, and playing cards. We get a Faarooq, “I’ll be DAMNED!” and they toast the reopening of their new business.

The Lugs boot of the week is Rey beating Nunzio last week to retain the cruiserweight title.

Check your dates, ladies and gentleman: a Cruiserweight championship match is in the main event slot above Undertaker and Kurt Angle.

Rey is out, followed by Tajiri. Tajiri salutes the belt, and it’s on.

Lock up, and they trade waist locks, leg sweeps, and they do some arm dragging and face off again. Lockup, Rey forced into the corner and Tajiri kicks him a couple times. Rey gets out of the corner with a neat head scissors spot, and tries to get cute off the top ropes, but Tajiri stops that with a BOOT TO THE HEAD (Yaa yaa!) Tajiri works Rey out of the ring, and starts on the arm by wrapping it around the ring post a few times. Rey rolled back in, cover, and only gets two. Tajiri going for the handspring elbow, but Rey counters with a leg lariat. Rey covers, but that only gets two, and we go to commercial.

Back from commercials, and Rey and Tajiri are flying all around each other, with Tajiri getting the advantage. Tajiri with knees to the head, and working a Hammerlock, choke combo. Rey manages to toss Tajiri through the ropes. Tajiri launches himself through the ropes, taking Tajiri out outside. Tajiri rolled back in, Rey signals to go up high. Tajiri meets him up there. He signals for a superplex, but Rey knocks him down. He springs back up and tries to kick, but Rey jumps over him and kicks his standing leg out from under him. This goes into a pin fall trading sequence that I can’t even keep up with. Tajiri gets a heed scissors roll around, and then levels Rey with a kick. Cover only gets two. Rey picked up, whip is reversed, Rey tries to charge in, but Tajiri dodges for a Tarantula. Ref breaks it up, but Rey reverses a charge with a drop toehold that leads to a 619. Dropping the Dime is blocked By Tajiri’s feet. Rey picked up and Tajiri with the Michinoku Driver. Cover only gets two. Tajiri working Rey over in the corner, then he backs out to charge, but Rey reverses and tries to get a Tarantula of his own! Tajiri has the move scouted, tho. He gets out and clubs Rey down, sitting him up on the top turnbuckle. Rey fights him off, sending him crashing to the mat. Rey standing up, and its West Coast Pop time! 1-2-3 and Rey retains the title!

After the match, Rey offers the hand of respect, which Tajiri takes, but immediately green mists Rey then hits him with a vicious kick to the head. Tajiri stands over Rey as his music plays and we go to commercial.

Back from commercials, and Vince and Big Show are out. Vince says it’s too damn bad that the World championship match ended in a degree of controversy. He tells the audience that if they continue calling Big Show an asshole, he’ll beat their ass. He then goes on to tell us that Kurt Angle will defend the title next week in a 1-Hour iron Man match. Vince goes to call Brock out, but Brock is up in the skybox. Brock starts off and thanks Vince for bringing him back to his senses earlier and reminding him that he’s a monster. Brock takes umbrage at the Audience’s “You tapped out!” chant. Brock goes on to tell us that earlier, he was in Stephanie’s office having a conversation with a certain somebody, somebody that Vince said would get fired if he didn’t show up tonight. Well, Brock met that certain someone and reveals him to us: a bound and gagged Zack Gowan. Brock bullies Zack a bit, and says that he’s going to take Zack somewhere. He wheels Zack out and Vince stalls for a second while Brock gets Zack down the hallway. He perches him in his wheelchair at the top of a long flight of stairs. He threatens him with being shoved down them, and when he stops himself, this pisses Brock off and he throws Zack and the wheelchair around. Brock continues to taunt Zack a bit, punctuating it with shots to his leg. Brock tells Zack that the wheelchair is a magical chair; that this chair flies. Brock then picks Zack up, puts him into the wheelchair, and threatens to shove him down the steps. He decides to do Zack a favor and proceeds to choke Zack out with his shirt. We cut back to Vince telling Brock to take it easy, and return to Brock just in time to see him roll an unconscious Zack down the stairs. Brock laughs, and we fade out.

Two things that brought the show down for me: James the Butler and the final segment where Brock bullying Zack around. I’m hoping that James is some Indy worker that can tear it up in the ring, that’ll mitigate the whole “I won him in a card game” stuff a bit, but not much.

Brock bullying Zack: I’m of the opinion that it could have been handled differently. Don’t ask me how, because I’m not a booking genius, but something other than shoving Zack down a flight of steps. I know, it really got over the whole, “Brock is a monster and a dick” deal, but I’ve got 5 friends pinging me right now saying that was just uncomfortable to watch. Well, what’s done is done, so we’ll see what happens with it next week.

Apart from that, show kicked ass. Cena and Eddie giving us a good bit of drama, Benoit squeaked out a victory against A-Train again, and two more very watchable 20 minute matches to end the show up with make for good TV. Also, it’s nice to see TWGTT back on the main show. Entertainment was kept to a minimum, but there was just enough to nudge the actual stories along. Even the Bikini fluffery was worked pretty well and served to get Shaniqua over as a monster for the women.

Good show this week, all they need to do is keep the writing team focused.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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