by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Can I call ‘em or what? After bringing it to the wire, both the Cubbies and the BoSox are in their respective league championship series and looking to give the Yankees and the Marlins quite the run for their money. The Dropkick Murphy’s were on the radio tonight hyping their show at the Norva (Which I’m missing to keep you guy’s recap jones filled) and they are fully in support of a BoSox/Cubs world series. Basically because when the Sox make it, they don’t want to play against the Marlins. Not because they feel they have a better chance against the Cubs, but because the Marlins just don’t have the same mystique that the Cubs have, and I got to admit, I do agree.

And just to keep up my reputation as being goofy and wacky (yeah right, everyone knows Matt has that market cornered around here), I’ll be updating with periodic score updates for tonight’s ALCS game.

Anyway, on with the recappin!

5 minutes out bumper: A Smackdown Life lesson: watch out for falling superstars (Complete with image of Undertaker choke slamming Brock through the announce table last week.)

WWE Leader, and it’s a trip down memory lane from last week as we go over Vince and Stephanie’s tete a tete from last week, complete with adorable childhood pictures of Steph.

Smackdown Opening, Pyro, and we are Live (taped) from Hartford, Conn, and we are 10 days away from No Mercy, and later tonight, John Cena and Kurt Angle will battle rap.

But first it’s time for thuggin and buggin with… Linda McMahon?

Linda admits that the McMahon family is fairly bizarre (No, really?) But recently, it’s kinda been edging over the precipice of believability. First, Linda touches on Shane’s horrible treatment of Kane on Monday, and then she gets to Steph getting slammed by Vince last week. This brings out Steph, who’s resolve to fight at No Mercy has been solidified by Vince’s actions last week. Steph gets another couple rambling sentences in before Vince is out to confront the both of them. He chastises Linda for trying to talk Steph out of the match. Vince tells us that Steph is beyond the point of no return; Vince isn’t letting her out of the match. He states that he intends on brutalizing Steph horrifically, but when he does, he is going to be cleansed, emotionally.

Linda suddenly has a light bulb go off and she realizes that while Steph has her GM position on the line, Vince doesn’t have anything comparable on the line. Vince says he doesn’t have to put anything up, seeing as how he’s the CEO; Linda calls Vince a pussy (not quite in those words) so Vince puts his title of CEO up on the line. This brings Sable out to vamp around a bit and offer up her services in Vince’s corner. Linda calls attention to the fact that Sable offers up her services rather freely, so Sable kicks her in the gut. Steph makes sure she’s all right, and the catfight is on again. Vince interrupts the proceedings pretty quickly and lays Steph out with a clothesline. As Linda sees to Steph’s welfare, Vince laments that Steph made him do it. This stirring drama is apparently so intense, that we need to take a commercial.

Moments ago, stuff happened with Vince and the gang.

Rey Mysterio is out to make the show watchable again. Oh wait, he’ll just be commentating on The Cruiserweight match.

Tajiri is out and his opponent tonight in this non-title contest is Ultimo Dragon! Wow, I thought that WWE had forgotten that he was on the payroll.

They circle, trade kicks, and Tajiri takes Dragon down with some mat wrestling. They trade some arm wringers, Tajiri goes for the handspring elbow, but Dragon there with a kick to Tajiri’s back, sending him out. Dragon with the Asai Moonsault. Tajiri rolled back in and Dragon keeping the offense on until Tajiri gets a hot shot on the ropes. Tajiri keeping the offense on, but he takes a few seconds to gab at Rey at ringside, this gives Dragon the opening he needs and he gets a quick powerbomb for 2. Tajiri is able to reverse a whip and sends Dragon crashing into the corner. Tarantula applied, but Dragon fights out and flips Tajiri over for a pin attempt, but he only gets 2. Tajiri squirms out and gets a back kick to Dragons head. Tajiri sets up, the killer kick, and that’s it for Dragon. After the pin, Tajiri continues to brutalize Dragon until Rey decides he’s had enough. Rey jumps in the ring and they brawl until Tajiri eats a 619. Rey celebrates and we go to commercial.

Red Sox are starting the game off. No score.

Dead Man Walking! Undertaker is out on his bike and he’s got something to say. He observes that Vince is getting a bit nervous, because he (Vince) knows that ‘Taker is going to take Brock and Break him down. He finds the idea of the FBI coming down to soften him up laughable, and he produces a 3-foot length of chain to even the odds a bit.

The FBI are out, and it’s Chucks turn to show us how the monster works. ‘Taker dominates to start with various shoulderblocks and armbar maneuvers and, of course, a little bit of Old School. Taker gets cheap shotted by Johnny the Bull, and Chuck takes over again. This lasts about a minute before ‘Taker remembers, “Oh yeah, I don’t sell” and takes control of the match again. After fighting off Johnny the Bull and Nunzio real quick, ‘Taker catches a Chuck jungle kick and gives him a chokeslam for his trouble. 1-2-3, and Cue his music. Brock interrupts the festivities by starting the waffle stomp, but ‘Taker grabs the chain and clears the ring. Brock gives us “Frustration” outside the ring, and we go to commercial.

Scary Movie 3: oh dear Jesus God no. I thought it was just a horrible nightmare, but it really is coming out. Anna Faris does look quite hot as a blonde, tho.

Bottom of the 1^st, No score.

Moments ago; Silly jobbers, the Undertaker don’t sell for you!

Backstage, Vince is peeved at Undertakers success in the ring. He is interrupted in his stew by Paul London, who wants a tryout match. If you can’t see where this is going, please exit the room and retake Basic WWE Plot Points 101 again. Vince says sure and after agonizing over the decision for 2 seconds, he makes the match against Brock Lesnar. Paul gives us “OMGWTF?!!?” and Vince softens the blow a bit by making it a championship match.

Elsewhere, Big Show is walking around when a tech crewmember hides some food. Big Show calls him on it, and the techie reveals it’s a burrito. Big Show Bullies him around, stuffs the burrito in his face, and throws him through the table.

Commercials. Score still 0-0.

House of the Dead: Ummm, maybe. I’ll enjoy it for the goofy piece of crap everyone says it is going to be.

Earlier Today, Zack Gowan made his triumphant return, getting greeted by just about every tech crew member on staff, but no wrestlers. Hmmm.

And out in the ring, it’s the rematch we all clamored for from last week: Big Show vs. Orlando Jordan. No need to get into any real detail. Total squash. Orlando got some quick jobber offense off a dropkick to the knee, and Big Show ends it with a choke slam.

Backstage, Josh has Eddie cornered and asks him what he thinks of Big Show. Eddie isn’t worried about Big Show taking his revenge tonight. Eddie lets us know that he has family all over, and if Big Show tries anything, things will get stinky. Eddie admits he’s nervous. I mean, come on, you’ve got a 500-pound monolith coming after you, who wouldn’t be. But Eddie isn’t worried, and equates his match to the one between David and Goliath. Big Show has finally made it all the way back to the interview station from the ring and takes Eddie out from behind. Eddie is left in a pile on the floor. As we go to commercials

Top of the Second, still no score.

Back, and up next is the battle rap between Kurt and Cena. Tazz is moderating, and lays down the rules and has John go first.

John raps about how Kurt can’t rap, is a thing of the past, and calls his manhood into question. John is going full bore when Kurt cuts him off just in time for the Audience participation Curse of the Night (‘Fuck you’)

Kurt is impressed and decides not to rap, but instead tell a story. He rhymes a little ditty about how while John my be the king of rapping, Kurt is the King of Fighting (Hmm, he must have been a hidden character in ’97), and illustrates this point by taking John down with a clothesline. Cena gets the upper hand for a second, but Kurt tops the segment off by sending Cena running.

Commercials Red Sox up 1-0

Back, and we get the Zack Gowan retrospective again.

Out in the ring, we get Shannon Moore (W/ Matt Hardy and Matt Facts: Matt is not afraid to eat alone in public, and Matt likes portabella mushrooms) and he is Zack’s return match up.

They lock up, Shannon plants Zack on the top rope and gives a quick taunt, but Zack is off the second rope with a clothesline, a couple dropkicks and a quick cover for 2. Zack whipped to the corner, Zack kips up over a charging Shannon, but eats a back elbow. Shannon with a throw into the turnbuckles and he takes over with some stomps.  Cole makes the comment that Zack is favoring that leg. No shit! Shannon with a quick cover, only gets 2. Zack does a neat looking flip as Shannon yanks him out of the corner. Shannon misses a charge then eats a springboard leg lariat. Zack with the reverse Russian leg sweep. Cover only gets 2. Zack with a nice looking neck breaker, but Matt is up to interrupt. Zack Dropkicks him, but while he’s talking trash to Matt, Shannon gets a schoolboy for 2. Shannon planting Zack on the top turnbuckle, but Zack fights him off and gets an awkward looking DDT. Zack going for the Moonsault, but Matt is there to meet him and tosses him off the top rope over both the ref and Shannon. Shannon recovers and hits a neck breaker of his own and Welcome back, Zack, hope you like looking at those lights. As Shannon and Matt leave, Zack locks eyes with Matt, showing us that this isn’t over yet.

Backstage, Undertaker exits the General Managers office with a big grin on his face. Umm, Mark, what would Sara say?

Commercials. Bottom of the 2^nd, Boston still up 1-0.

UPN Screws up and shows us LAST weeks commercial for The Mullets.

Oop, Yankees take the lead off a Nick Johnson Home run. 2-1.

Back, Tazz and Cole hype No Mercy and we get earlier tonight with a recap of the McMahon family drama.

Back to real time, and it’s time for a 6-Man tag team match. On one side, Chris Benoit and the APA (with footage of the APA manhandling Shaniqua last week.) Before the match can even start, tho, The Bashams attack from behind and take out Farooq and Bradshaw with steel chairs and Benoit goes to fight them off. A-Train shows up and joins the fun. Bashams double teaming Bradshaw in the ring and going for the quick pin, but Bradshaw kicks out. Danny Basham keeping Bradshaw under control, but not able to get the pin. Tag to A-Train, and he beats Bradshaw down, ending with a big splash. Outside of the ring, Farooq is being helped to the back. Doug tagged back in and the Bashams try double-teaming Bradshaw, but a big boot and clothesline later, and Bradshaw is about to tag Benoit in. A-Train is tagged in and interrupts this with a blow to the back. He tries for another splash, but Bradshaw moves, gets the tag, and Benoit is in to kick about 900 different types of ass. The Bashams are taken care of fairly quickly, but Benoit runs into A-Train. They brawl for a bit and Benoit gets a Sharpshooter, but that’s broken up by Doug. Benoit locks him into a crossface for his trouble, but the ref is distracted by Danny and Bradshaw brawling outside the ring so he doesn’t see Doug tapping. A-Train breaks this up and after they fight it out for a bit, A-Train gets the Train Wreck and the 1-2-3.

Commercials. Top of the 3^rd, still 2-1.

Back, and Brock Lesnar is out to put his title on the line against Paul London. Brock grabs a mic and lets us know that he’s not happy about putting the title on the line, but he respects Paul for coming out. Brock calls Paul in to give him a chance to touch the title. Paul lets his guard down for an instant and Brock levels him with a clothesline. Total squash as Brock doesn’t even let Paul get some token jobber offense in. Brock finishes with an F-5. Afterwards, Brock throws Paul out of the ring and sets him up for a ring post F-5. Paul’s running buddy, Spanky, interrupts and takes it to Brock. Brock comes back by leveling him and F-5ing Spanky into the ringpost instead. He looks to do more damage, but Undertaker is out to have a quick Chat with Brock. He then lets us know that the purpose of his visit to the GM’s office was to make a change in the match at No Mercy. Now, not only is the title going to be on the line, but it’s also going to be a Biker’s Chain match. Brock runs in fear as Undertaker swings his chain around in the ring (oh get your minds out of the gutter!)

Earlier Tonight, Big Show and Eddie had a disagreement.

Backstage, Josh is giving us a live update about Eddie. Chavo comes out, proclaims that Eddie is tough, and that Montezuma has NOTHING on the Guererros.

Bottom of the 3^rd, Yankees score again and it’s 3-1.

Back from the commercials rather abruptly, and Chavo is in the ring calling Big Show out. Big Show answers, but he’s dressed to head out on the town. Chavo calls him chicken, and Big Show answers by coming down to the ring. The bell rings, Big Show charges, Chavo slides underneath him and out. The ref starts counting and Big Show wins by count-out. As soon as the ref hits 10, ‘Viva la Rasa’ hits and here comes Eddie, riding on top of a sewage truck. Short and sweet of it, Eddie tells Show that he’s going to douse him in shit. Big Show, like an idiot, stands there while Eddie grabs the hose and waves it threateningly at him. Big Show finally bails and tries to escape up the ramp, but Chavo has pulled a rope tight and Big Show trips. Eddie catches up to him and gives him a light misting. This pisses Big Show off and he charges. Eddie then lets go full force on Big Show and the entire stage area (as well as a couple courageous cameramen, who, despite getting splattered as well, continue filming) is doused in brown fluid. We get some stock footage of fans holding their nose as Chavo and Eddie head out. Big Show gives us a couple pratfalls and we get the quivering lower lip as he slowly walks out and we fade out.

Ok, two questions: This is Smackdown, right? If so, WHERE IS THE FRIGGIN WRESTLING? Two squashes, more of the same from Undertaker, a cruiserweight match that barely qualified as ‘short but good’ and a totally meandering 6-man brawl that went nowhere is all we get this week? And while the Zack Gowan match was probably the longest match on the card, it was tough to watch. I don’t know what he did in his off time, but he really didn’t work on his ring work and even a mark like me could tell that Shannon and Matt were almost literally handing him everything this week.  Instead of wrestling, we get more McMahon family values, a battle rap contest that did nothing for either man except maintain the status quo, and Big Show covered in shit. Whoopty-fucking-doo. Next week had better be a big gonzo blow-up improvement in the action department or I might just skip No Mercy at Hooters this month.

And as I mouse over to do spell check, the Yankees are holding steady at 3-1 entering the 5^th.

See ya next week.

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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