by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ok, on with the Recap!

5 Minutes out bumper: None this week!

We open with snapshots from No Mercy and Vince brutalizing Stephanie. What kind of Father could do this to his own daughter?

Opening, No Pyro. Instead, we’ve got Vince McMahon (W/ Sable) strutting to the ring. Vince stands triumphant in Albany, NY. Vince reintroduces himself as the WWE’s CEO and is proud to be standing there having beaten the snot out of his own daughter. Vince admits that he’s going to hell when he dies, but he’s not dead yet. And while he’s still alive, he’s gonna party it up, and makes a “Spare the Rod” dick joke with Sable. He is proud of his two accomplishments from Sunday night: Beating his daughter, and insuring that Brock Lesnar remained champion. He dances around being the man behind the Lights out during the Biker chain match, and the man behind the FBI when they ran out, and then brags that his interfering with the match. He makes a couple lame rhymes, and then gets down to business.

It’s time to name the new general manager. Vince pops Sables bubble and says it’s not her. No, it’s a man that once tried to push Vince out of business (Phil Mushnik?) But, even though you want to strangle him most of the time, you can’t deny that he’s a genius. Vince calls the new GM down: Paul Heyman!

Paul (looking fairly trim with new theme music) comes down to the ring, but barely gets the beginning of his acceptance speech out before Dead Man Walking interrupts. Vince hightails it out of there as Undertaker storms the ring. Undertaker looks to take his frustrations out on Paul, but Heyman stops him. Heyman points out that Vince isn’t going to give him what he wants, but Paul will. So Paul makes a match: Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar…… AND the Big Show! Undertaker looks to stomp a new mudhole in Heyman for this, but Heyman tells him that if Undertaker wins this handicap match, then he can name the stipulations, he can name the place and he can name the time for his rematch against Brock. ‘Taker grabs the mic and informs Heyman that this plan of his will blow up in his face. Play his music, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and John Cena is out for Tag team action, but first he has a rap for us. He wants to congratulate Kurt Angle, but that’s a bitch move, because showing Kurt respect is a waste. He’ll kick the hell out of any veteran. He says that the reason he tapped out was because he was nervous that Kurt was going to grab his salami. Cena’s partner tonight is A-Train.

Kurt Angle is out, and his partner is Chris Benoit. Kurt and A-Train start. Kurt with a takedown on A-Train, controlling with a side headlock. A-Train powers up, shoves him off, and gets a shoulderblock. A-Train working Angle over in the corner, then a tag to Cena. Cena with some offense, a Michinoku Driver, cover gets 2. Tag to A-train, Double underhook slam, cover gets 2. A-Train going for the 2d rope splash, but Kurt rolls out and hits a German suplex. Double tag, and Benoit is out with chops and Germans of his own.  They trade wristlocks for a bit, then Benoit locks in a Sharpshooter, but that’s interrupted by an A-Train clothesline. A-Train trying to pound Benoit down, but Benoit gets an Enziguri and tag to Angle. Angle runs in and takes A-Train out, and locks in an ankle lock. A-Train back in to break this up, and Benoit takes it to A-Train, who then takes it outside. Cena grabs his chain, and makes to go after Angle with it, but the Ref stops him. A-Train, who has taken Benoit down outside comes in with a steel chair, but Benoit is in right after and grabbing the chair from him. A-Train dodges and Benoit hits Angle with it. A-Train brawls with Benoit until Benoit low bridges A-Train out of the ring. Angle gets up and grabs the chair and goes after Benoit. Benoit dodges, and they argue for a few seconds before throwing fisticuffs and drawing the no contest. They brawl each other down until Benoit gets a cross face in. the refs break it up, and Angle goes after Benoit AGAIN. This takes us to commercial.

Back from break, Tazz and Cole go over the horrific misting Nidia took from Tajiri last week. They tell us that Nidia hasn’t regained her sight yet, and they are going to go live to Jamie Knoble on his webcam from his home. Jamie has been with Nidia all week, and the doctors are looking to explore surgical options. Jamie then goes on to tell Tajiri that whatever happens with Nidia, Jamie will take his vengeance on Tajiri.

Backstage, The Worlds Greatest Tag Team are getting psyched for their match against Los Guererros, and they make small talk about Paul being back when they are interrupted by Paul himself. Paul is miffed that they never called him when Brock took him out, and because he’s a vindictive sunuvabitch, he’s pulling them from their match with Los Guererros and putting the Bashams (W/ Shaniqua: Upgraded funbag model) in. But because Paul doesn’t want TWGTT to get bored, he has reassembled one of the most entertaining tag teams in WWE history and they will be facing them…. NEXT! Finally, the return of the Godwinns!

Out in the arena, Vince and Sable wave to the little people from their skybox and we go to commercial.

Back, and we get the retrospective package on Stu Hart. Rest in Peace, Stu.

Tazz and Cole give a heartfelt remembrance of Stu, and now it’s time for TWGTT to take on their mystery opponents.

Holy Shit, it’s Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi! Ok, Maybe not one of the greatest tag teams of all time, but a cool one nonetheless. Scotty and Charlie start. Lockup, and Charlie works the arm, but Charlie reverses and gets a shoulderblock and a couple clotheslines. Shelton comes in and tries to interfere and gets a couple hiptosses for his trouble. Scotty gets a back body drop and then moonwalks right into Shelton tripping him up, dragging him out, and working him over outside the ring. Scotty rolled back in; Charlie works him over for a bit. Tag to Shelton and he does the same. Tag back to Charlie, the do the leapfrog backbreaker, and Charlie continues the abuse. Tag to Shelton. Scotty whipped into the corner, Shelton with a 3-point stance and a charge, but he eats elbow. Scotty with a neck breaker and tag to Rikishi. Big right fro Shelton, one for Charlie, one for Shelton, one for Charlie, double clothesline. Both men back up and they get a double spinebuster. Scotty gets a bulldog on Shelton, but before he can get the Worm, Charlie is in to take him down. Rikishi brawls Charlie off into a corner, and as Shelton is just getting up again, Scotty with ANOTHER bulldog and this time, the W-O-R-M hits. Rikishi gets a squash and stinkface on Charlie, then a big butt drop on Shelton, 1-2-3 and that’s it. Afterwards, Scotty presents Rikishi with his fedora, and Scotty puts on his bucket hat, and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!

Up in the skybox, Vince and Sable are dancing as well when there’s a knock at the door. Vince answers, and Undertaker is there to put the fear of god into Vince. Undertaker pulls Vince’s punk card, and just wanted to tell Vince face to face that he’s no kind of man at all, that he’s just a gutless coward. He tells Vince that he’d better pray that he wins his match tonight, because if he doesn’t, he’ll be back up to the Skybox, and he won’t be talking this time.

Up next, it’s Los Guererros vs. the Bashams, but first, we have to watch an annoying Old Navy commercial.

Back, and after a quick plug for WWE.com, we go to Eddie getting salve put on his wounds from being put through the truck windshield last week and at No Mercy, and Chavo interrupts. Eddie is looking kinda down, so Chavo pumps him up, and they are ready to go.

The Bashams (W/ Shaniqua) are out. Shaniqua does a bit of domination in the ring for a second, to a generally apathetic crowd. Los Guererros are out in a low rider to a much more receptive crowd response.

Eddie and Doug start. Eddie forcing him into the corner, and he unloads with the EL PASO VIOLENCE! Tag to Chavo, and they double team. Chavo gets Doug alone and forces him back into his corner. Chavo distracts the ref while Eddie chokes Doug out with the tag rope. Tag to Eddie, and we get the slingshot senton in. Eddie making Doug play Ricky Morton with punches, chops, and kicks. Chavo tagged in, and Doug surprises him and gets him into his own corner. Tag to Danny, and he’s in, but Chavo reverses with a snapmare and gets a tag to Eddie. Eddie takes control, but is interrupted by a trip up by Shaniqua. After getting dragged out, Shaniqua levels him with a big left hand. Chavo tries to help, but the ref forces him out, allowing for some Basham doubleteaming. Back in, and Danny works Eddie’s back. Tag to Doug, and he gets a rollup, but Chavo breaks it up. Tag back to Doug, and he gets a 2^nd rope elbow drop, but cover only gets 2. Eddie bursts out and gets some fisticuffs. Doug locks in a full nelson, but Eddie Back Body Drops a charging Danny, locks hands, and runs the turnbuckle and gets the headscissors for the 2 for 1 special. Tag to Chavo, and everyone GETS ROWDY! In the confusion, Danny ends up with Shaniqua’s nightstick, and when Eddie goes for the frogsplash, he dodges, and when Eddie recovers, Danny clocks him with it. Nightstick disposed of, and Danny covers for the 1-2-3 and we have NEW tag team champions.

As Eddie and Chavo lament their situation in the ring, Josh grabs them for a micro interview, and Shaniqua tells us it’s time to celebrate. We break for commercial before we are forced to watch them lick her boots.

Moments ago, the Tag Team Titles lost a little bit of their luster.

During the Break, Eddie moped around, and Chavo berated him.

Catching up, Tajiri is out for a Non-title contest against Zack Gowan (who looks like he’s at least been doing a few bench presses) Zack takes Tajiri down and mat wrestles him for a few seconds, getting a 2-count. Tajiri gets a couple kicks, but Matt comes back. Tajiri reverses a DDT attempt into a spine buster. Tajiri now brawling Zack down. After missing a double knee drop, Zack comes back with dropkicks, only to miss when Tajiri dodges. Tajiri getting cocky, and it almost costs him when Zack schoolboys him for 2. Zack hitting a few more dropkicks and a springboard leg lariat. Zack going up for the 1-legged moonsault, but Tajiri interrupting with blows to the back. Zack elbows his way out of it, and goes up, but Tajiri moves and Zack eats canvas. One buzzsaw kick later, and Tajiri picks up the duke. After the match, Tajiri calls his yakuza buddies into the ring (Jimmy Yang and ?????) When Zack has the audacity to actually get up and try to make his way out of the ring, Tajiri sics the yakuza on him, and they take him down with a double leg sweep uranage. They grin and exit and after some quick hype for the handicap match, it’s time for some more commercials.

Back, and Brock is giving Big Show a quick strategy session. They go back and forth about being on top of each others game. Big Show warns that Brock had better not screw up, or he’ll be coming after the heavyweight title.

After another interlude with Vince and Sable, we are surprised by a flashback where we see Hardcore Holly taking on Brock from last year. Brock dropped Bob on his head in this match, and, Whoa! There’s the Hardcore one himself. Bob says that Brock didn’t finish the job last year, that he is coming back, and it’s to do one thing: end Brocks career. It’ll be interesting to see Bob try to shoot on someone that can shoot right back.

Back from commercials, and we take a moment to pay tribute to Michael Hegstrand, AKA Road Warrior Hawk. Rest in Peace, Michael. May you and Stu put on ***** matches for all eternity.

Back to the arena, and Brock Lesnar is out, followed by Big Show. Vince cheers the both of them on from his skybox. Undertaker is out on his bike to do his lap of the ring. Vince glares petulantly.

Big Show and ‘Taker start, and ‘Taker holds Show off with some jabs. Show tackles ‘Taker and manhandles him. ‘Taker forced into the corner and Lesnar tries to help with a double team, but ‘Taker fights them off and bails when they both charge in. ‘Taker with a steel chair, and the heels scatter. The ref gets the chair away and the heels trepedatiously step back up on the apron. Brock tagged in, and he takes it straight to ‘Taker, brawling him into the corner, throwing some shoulders, and brawling some more. ‘Taker comes back with some soupbones, but Brock beats him down some more. Cover gets 2. Tag to Big Show, who comes in with some rights and a big head butt. ‘Taker reverses a whip, they trades some punches, and ‘Taker gets a flying clothesline, but Big Show kicks out. More brawling, and Brock gets a blind tag and he comes in with clotheslines. Brock tells Big Show to go up to the top rope, and he s-l-o-w-l-y starts to climb. Meanwhile, ‘Taker has come back, Brock is spinebustered out of the ring, and ‘Taker gets the goozle and Big Show is the victim of a top rope choke slam! ‘Taker covers, and it’s 1-2-3 and Undertaker has his title shot…

Oh wait, here comes Paul to screw with ‘Takers head. He apologizes for making such a mistake his first day on the job, but goes on to inform us that the match is 2 out of 3 falls. ‘Taker gives us ‘frustration’ and we go to commercials.

Back, and ‘Taker is taking it to Brock. Snake eyes, big boot, leg drop, cover gets 2. Brock tossed out; meanwhile, Paul sits in an office chair and chuckles bemusedly at the top of the ramp. ‘Taker chases Brock around the ring, but Big Show is laying in wait and he takes ‘Taker down. They brawl around the ring, and ‘Taker gets the better of Big Show, puts Brock down, and gets back into the ring before the count of 10, and the ref calls for the bell. Heyman has another apology in line, tho. As it turns out, this match is no count out. The match resumes with ‘Taker in the ring, but Big Show comes in with a chair and bashes ‘Taker right out of the ring. The bell rings yet again, and ‘Taker is declared the winner via DQ. Heyman wears the gimmicks welcome out by getting up and making the match no DQ. Brock grabs the biker chain and they start working ‘Taker over with it. ‘Taker gets the chain back and takes Big Show and Brock out. ‘Taker covers Brock, 1-2-3, and there’s nothing Heyman has to add, so ‘Taker gets the win. Vince glowers and protests, but Heyman gives him, “That’s it!” and walks off.

After the match, Brock and Big Show sneak attack ‘Taker and give him a beat down. Big Show gets a choke slam, Brock gives him a ringpost F-5. While ‘Taker lay on the ground, Vince grabs a mic and tells Brock and Show to keep ‘Taker there, he’s going to come down and congratulate ‘Taker on his win, PERSONALLY!

Commercials.

Back from commercials, and Vince is swaggering down the arena steps, taunting ‘Taker as he goes. After a quick ‘moments ago’ segment, ‘Taker is trying to get away, but can’t get to his feet. Vince catches up and he has a question: Was the beating he just took worth it? Vince answers his question for him, “NO! Because as long as I’m alive, you’ll NEVER be WWE Champion again!” Vince makes ‘Taker decide the when and what of his match right them. ‘Taker manages to choke out that he’ll have his revenge, that it’ll be at Survivor Series and it’ll be a Buried Alive match! Vince rejoices, because he’s sure Brock will bury him. ‘Taker is able to stumble up to his feet and he snatches the mic from Vince. Brock corrects Vince, letting him know that it’s not Brock that’s going to be his opponent at Survivor series, but Vince himself! Vince gives us, ‘Holy Shit!’ and we are out.

Ok, now that’s more like it. Some good character development for Eddie and Jamie Knoble, returns aplenty (Scotty 2 Hotty, Rikishi, Shelton Benjamin, and Bob Holly [at least via taped promo]), and the McMahon ego-tripping was actually somewhat tolerable this week. Some nice hot matches: Angle and Benoit renewing their old hostilities can only lead to good things for us, the viewers; Zack looked good against Tajiri, TWGTT vs. Too Phat was entertaining, the main event was a great big man brawl (even if it was somewhat overbooked) and even if the Tag Title win by the Bashams was questionable, it was still a good match, and gave us another brick in Eddie’s personality wall. Hopefully, this doesn’t mean that the tag titles are being relegated to mere plot device status. Oh, and Paul Heyman back on TV can only mean good things, as he’s infinitely more entertaining than Stephanie. The only bad thing I can think of is somewhere down the line, someone is going to think that a Heyman/Stephanie match for control of Smackdown is a good idea.

Good to see Smackdown is finding it’s groove again, let’s hope it stays there.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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