by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

WWE leader, No opening, and we have Vince coming out with his leg in a brace, on crutches, and Sable helping him stay erect… I mean walk to the ring. Vince STRUGGLES MIGHTILY to get up the ring steps, but he makes it. What a trooper. We would appreciate it if people would show some respect, the Crowd, of course, gives him none. He states that he suffered more pain than he’s ever suffered in his life. Vince was bleeding from every orifice, and ‘Taker made a few more holes for him to bleed from. He complains about a concussion and getting his privates pulverized on a ringpost, from which he only recovered with the help of some therapeutic massage, thanks to Sable. He describes the rest of the match, to include Kane’s interference. In gratitude for Kane’s help, Vince has offered Kane to come to Smackdown and deliver the eulogy to Undertaker. Vince goes on about how the Undertaker is being tortured by the devil himself, and because of this, he feels unstoppable, inVINCEable, and Untouchable. This brings John Cena out to call bullshit. John gets a cheap pop by using the local Houston version of Yo ("Yao!") John wonders why Vince is stealing his materiel, and then mentions that Sable comes to see him after she’s done with Vince. Tonight’s “Rhyme along with John” word is Fuck.

Coming up later tonight, Kane’s eulogy, but right now, were going to watch medieval Knights poison each other.

We’re back, and Team Lesnar is about to feel the wrath of its captain. Lesnar is miffed because everyone let him down and he has to listen to the crowd saying “You Tapped out.” He’s been talking to Paul Heyman, and tonight, all the members get to redeem themselves. Nathan Jones gets Chris Benoit. Big Show gets John Cena. And nothing for the rest of them.

Rey Mysterio is out to take on Akio (w/ Tajiri and Sakoda not far behind). They circle, and Akio fakes with a spin kick. Waist lock from Rey, but Akio gets out and goes to town with some kicks, Rey comes back, Akio stops that, and the action flip flops back and forth. Rey takes over with a head scissors, but takes too long to capitalize, and Akio is up with some knife-edges. Rey dumped out hard. Akio rolls him back in and goes for a cover, but only gets 2. Akio with a surfboard, but Rey powers out and gets some rights. Rey flipping out of a suplex attempt, but Akio levels him with a clothesline. Head vice locked in. Rey into the corner, Akio hitting a leg lariat. Akio up top, but Rey knocks him down. Both mean back up, and Rey with a dropkick, Senton, and a springboard 180 DDT. Pin attempt only gets 2. Rey tries to get cute, and Akio levels him again. Yang Time misses, and Rey sets up and hits the 6-1-9, followed up with a West Coast Pop to finish it off. Rey celebrates and surprisingly, no run in.

Backstage, Paul Heyman is on the phone and looking for Shannon Moore. He makes the mistake of looking into a darkened alcove and we are greeted with the sight of Shaniqua and the Bashams playing some bondage games. Paul shakes his head and finds Shannon Moore. Paul points out that Matt Hardy jumped to Raw this week, but he doesn’t blame Shannon. In fact, tonight is Shannon’s night to step into the spotlight that Matt once held and he’s got a match, NEXT! Shannon asks whom, and Paul lets him know: Matt Morgan! Shannon gives us his version of, “Oh shit….” And we head to commercials.

Back, and we meet Shannon halfway through his entrance. Matt Morgan gets his full entrance. Matt ‘Diesels’ his way over the ropes, and Shannon gives us sheepishness as he walks up to Matt, then SURPRISES US ALL with a furry of offense that controls Matt…. For all of about 10 seconds. Matt stops a head scissors, and proceeds to take Shannon apart, finishing with a powerbomb. Matt goes in for the kill and eats a kick from Shannon, who subsequently eats a size 14. Matt tosses Shannon around like a rag doll for a few minutes, ending it with another powerbomb. Total squash, but it did what it was supposed to: show off Matt’s power.

Back from commercials, and it’s the attack of the Stomach! A-Train is out to take on Bradshaw. A-Train runs out to meet him and they brawl back to the ring. They get in the ring and they brawl some more. Bradshaw gets a swinging neckbreaker and cover gets two. A-Train uses the ref as a shield and gets the advantage with some more brawling. Big splash gets 2. A-Train taking over, the brawls Bradshaw down some more, and cover gets 2. Sleeper put on, but Bradshaw fights out. A-Train comes back and goes for a powerslam, but Bradshaw gets out and hits the shittiest DDT seen in Houston since…. Last time Bradshaw was here. Bradshaw brawls A-Train around the ring, then goes up for a flying shoulderblock. A-Train dumped, but when Bradshaw goes after, A-train hits him with the derailler. A-Train gets back into the ring, and then, like a dumbass, lets the count get to 7 before rolling Bradshaw back in and going for the pin. Bradshaw, of course, kicks out. A-Train goes for the derailler again, but Bradshaw is there with a small package. A-Train goes for the pump splash again, but Bradshaw gets a foot up. They chase each other around for a bit until A-Train ends it with a bicycle kick, evening the series up at 1-1. Joy, this probably means that somewhere down the line, there will be a PPV blow off for this feud.

After a quick bit of hype for WWE.com, we bring out the WWE Champion, Brock Lesnar, who will be lending his support for Nathan Jones. Chris Benoit is out next, and Nathan Jones brings up the rear.

Chris and Nathan circle and Nathan powers Chris into the corner, but Benoit is right back firing away with the knife-edges. Nathan shoves him off and Chris bails to regroup. Chris back in, but Nathan is back on Chris with the power stuff. Nathan charges, but Chris low bridges him and Nathan takes a tumble. Brock gets in Nathan’s face and gets him back in. Chris jumping right on Nathan, but Nathan grabs a powerslam and cover gets 2. Reverse chin lock slapped onto Chris, who tries to flail his way out. Nathan throws him around, but eats some boots when he tries to attack in the corner. Nathan shrugs these off tho, and Chris eats a spinning sidewalk slam. Back to the chin lock, and Nathan goes for another powerslam, but Benoit squirms out and fires away with the knife-edges. Nathan tries to power on Benoit, but Benoit takes his legs out from under him and then goes for the sharpshooter, but Nathan kicks out before he can lock it in. Benoit knocking Nathan down and going for the flying headbutt, but Nathan gets up and Benoit has to change direction in mid air and hits the flying dropkick instead. This time Benoit signals properly, and flying headbutt hits. Nathan no sells and goes for another powerslam, but Benoit drops down and locks in the Crossface. Brock tries to interfere, but Benoit stops that noise with a quick right and then says, “Get back in here, bitch!” to Nathan and Nathan taps to the crossface forthwith.

Before Benoit's music can even get properly started, the heel beat down begins, but that’s broken up by Hardcore Holly going after Brock from the crowd. Hardcore has a full nelson locked in when Paul shows up with local policia, and has him arrested and indefinitely suspended.

Back from commercials, and Kane is in da hizzouse. In the Ring is a funeral display for Undertaker. He takes credit for burying Undertaker alive, and says that he would like to eulogize him, but he can’t, because the real man who was Undertaker has been dead for a long time. The Real undertaker died when he became a normal person, when he started showing compassion, and when he was too weak to beat Brock Lesnar. So Kane put him out of his misery. He runs the crowd down, and then says they should thank him for ridding them of the Undertaker. He gives us Rest in peace, and we fade to black.

Back from commercials and Jamie Knoble gets his entrance cut short. Tajiri is out, and the ref sends Akio and Sakoda to the back. Tajiri is jawing with his henchmen when he turns into a flurry of rights from Jamie to start it. Jamie keeps it fast and furious until Tajiri blocks a head scissors attempt, crotches Jamie and kicks him down. Outside of the ring, Tajiri posts Jamie and rolls him back in. Pin gets 2. Tajiri stomping on Jamie’s arm then puts it into an arm bar. Jamie gets out with a samoan drop, and Jamie works Tajiri with some clotheslines, but Tajiri hits a kick to the damaged arm. Jamie reverses a charge with a stepover rollup, but pin only gets 2. Tajiri takes over, goes for the Tarantula, Jamie blocks it and Tajiri with a kick to the head. Tajiri kicking Jamie down, and going for the finishing kick, but Jamie ducks and hits the Tiger Driver. Pin only gets two and at this point, Nidia (complete with cane and blind persons sunglasses) stumbles out through the entranceway. Jamie gets distracted and Tajiri gets the rollup with a fist full of cutoffs for the pin. Jamie doesn’t’ care that he got pinned, tho, and instantly runs to help Nidia.

Backstage, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin are not angry with Paul, they are angry with the Guererros for putting Shelton on the shelf. Shelton cuts a passable promo about how he’s going to put the Guererros on the shelf and walks off. Paul asks, “What?” and Charlie responds, “What he said!” and walks off himself.

“Viva la Rasa!” Los Guererros are out in a Hot Wheels car. No really, it’s a Hot Wheels low rider. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team ar4 wasting no time and everyone GETS ROWDY! to start. Lots of brawling around and it ends up with Shelton and Chavo. Shelton works the left knee, then tags Charlie in. Charlie brawls Chavo in the corner, then locks in a Boston crab, Chavo gets to the corner, tho. Tag to Shelton, and Chavo gets a few punches in but Shelton takes control again. Charlie tagged back in again, and Chavo's knee gets wrenched some more, ending up with Charlie locking in the Haas of Pain. Eddie breaks that up by stepping on Charlie’s face. Shelton comes in and Chavo reverses a tilt-a-whirl into a head scissors. Tag to Eddie, and Eddie goes crazy. All the usual Eddie stuff, with Chavo getting a bulldog for good measure and Eddie finishing with the frogsplash. After the match, Haas and Benjamin attack, throwing Eddie out and working on Chavo’s knee. Haas ties Chavo’s leg into the chair and wrenches his knee around. After a few seconds of this, Eddie comes in with a chair to make the save. Chavo isn’t happy with Eddie tho, and screams at him repeatedly, “Where were you?” Eddie tries to make peace as we go to commercial.

Back, and The Cat is in Boise, Idaho to accept the key to the city. Bruce has a honorary Cat Coin to give to the mayor, and the City Council embarrass themselves, and Cat stops them to show us how it’s done.

Back, and Cole embarrasses himself in front of Tazz and the rest of the world by trying to dance. Tazz sits him down and we go back to moments ago where bad things happened to Chavo.

Backstage, Chavo is being looked at, and he starts accusing Eddie of walking out on him all the time. He cites last week when he got fooled by the phony cop, and this week when TWGTT were brutalizing him. He tells Eddie to get lost, and then turns his ire on the trainer when he won’t give him something for the pain, and then states that he can’t rely on anyone anymore, that he’s going to bring his REAL friends in.

Elsewhere, Vince tells Big Show to destroy John Cena. Big Show grunts and we go to commercial.

After the break, Tazz drools over a pixilated Torrie from “Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain!”

Big Show is out to take on John Cena. John leads Big Show on a merry chase to start. John gets a baseball slide. John pounding on Big Show to start, and Big Show shrugs off a couple Cena shoulderblocks, and takes over with a big clothesline. Big man offense dominating John. Big Show getting the leg drop, and then a shitty looking tilt-a-whirl. Cena tries to fight back, but Big Show beals him across the ring to stop that. Big Show pounding him down, and then standing on his head for good measure. Big slap knocks John down, and then Show sandwiches john between the rope and apron. Big Show gloats, John hangman’s him. Cena with some rights, Big show tries to big boot him, Cena ducks and Big Show crotches himself. Cena hitting the throwback, pin barely gets 2, tho. Cena going for a chair, but the Ref grabs it and disposes of it, so Cena uses the distraction to get a low blow. Cena with the chain shot. Cover only gets two, tho. Big Show back up and pounding Cena down in the corner. Cena rolled out, and Show going for the announce table spot. Cena throws some elbows, so Big Show improvises and rams Cena into the ringpost. Cena rolled back in, and Big Show decides not to cover, instead going for the ringsteps. Big Show S-L-O-W-L-Y sets the steps up and then tosses them into the ring, missing John by a mile. Big Show jumping in and proceeding to accidentally big boot the ref out. Big Show picking up the steps again, and Cena dropkicks his knees out from underneath him, causing Show to bash his head on the steps. Cena grabbing the steps himself, and he clocks the Big Show and covers. After the crowd counts 3 twice, Nick Patrick finally rushes out, count the 3, and John wins the first round against Big Show. We end with Cena celebrating and Big Show just coming around and realizing what just happened.

A better than average show this week. I’d comment more, but I’m too tired, so I’ll just say…

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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