by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

WWE leader. You would think they would take the little flash of the Tough Enough logo out of there.

Last week, there was a Battle Royale. 42 Kids, flown to a deserted island, given weapons…. Oh wait, wrong kind of Battle Royal. You know, from the new angle, it really shows that Big Show didn’t really do anything but sit there when he ‘threw’ 15 competitors off him. Oh yeah, and there was no clear winner, thus leading to the aforementioned Benoit/Cena match this week.

For the second week in a row, we skip the Opening, and go directly to Brock Lesnar, coming at you LIVE (taped) from San Diego, CA. The ramp is raised to the level of the ring, for whatever reason. While a hot Asian chick holds up a “Tap Out!” sign, Brock grabs a mic. Brock entreats the audience to get their “You tapped out!” jones out, because after tonight, nobody will have anything to say. He tells everyone to look at the person next to them, and says that they all have something in common: He can beat each and every one of them. He reiterates that he’s never gonna tap out again, and that He’s the Greatest! Somebody better call his momma! Brock questions the coincidence that Benoit and Cena tied out at the Battle Royal, that they are both scared to get in the ring with him. He goes over the #1 contender match again, and says that he will make whoever wins tap out. Brock holds the title belt up high for all of us to see once again, and we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi are in the ring. Their opponents tonight are the Bashams (W/ Shaniqua and Bondage masks on the both of them) in a non-title match. Shaniqua tears the bondage masks off, gives them a good whipping, and Danny starts with Rikishi. Danny works Rikishi into the corner, then Rikishi decides to stop selling and Rikishi squishes Danny with a samoan drop. Danny makes the tag and Doug comes in to offer up some jobber offense, Rikishi flattens him with a clothesline. Tag to Scotty. Drop toehold, Rikishi offers up a leg drop, and Scotty covers for two. Scotty does a bit of break-dancing, gets back body dropped, and Shaniqua interferes to officially put Scotty into “Face in Peril” mode. Bashams take turns abusing him. Scotty misses an Enziguri, kicks Doug off, and gets the tag to Rikishi. Squashes all around, and Rikishi sets Doug up for the stinkface, but some interference by Shaniqua allows the switcheroo and as Rikishi goes in, Danny gets the low blow. Scotty is in to apply the worm to Danny, but he gets taken out by Doug. Rikishi has recovered enough to deliver a Samoan drop to Danny after throwing Doug out, and Rikishi gets the pin.

After the match, Shaniqua is quite nonplussed, and she calls the Bashams pathetic repeatedly, and then says something about them not being good enough to have her as a manager anymore or something.

After a quick package highlighting Hardcore Holly’s aggression towards Brock recently, we cut to Backstage where Dawn Marie is vamping all over Paul. Paul informs her that he’s all business this time around, and he doesn’t do the help. He does have Dawn take a note that Hardcore is remaining suspended and to overnight the note to him. He then tells Dawn (who is all over Paul like a cheap suit) to go tell Shannon Moore that Paul will be meeting him in the ring next. NEXT!!

Back from commercials, and Paul Heyman is flanked by the 2 Goon Crew (Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones) and they go over the highlights of Shannon getting repeatedly pulverized. Paul calls Shannon Moore out and Shannon has new entrance music. Paul reiterates that he doesn’t hold Shannon responsible for Matt’s defection. Paul is impressed by the fact that Shannon keeps coming back for more. So Paul, who REALLY wants Shannon to be the face of Smackdown, so he’s going to give him the biggest opportunity available on Smackdown. Big Show comes out, and match goes how you would expect: Shannon gets thrown around like a lawn dart, has a couple… geez, you can’t even call them hope spots, Show ends it with the stepover leg drop and a choke slam. You know, Shannon had better get some real big payback after taking this abuse for a month now.

Tale of the tape for John Cena and Chris Benoit. Benoit: “4 time IC champ, 2 time Tag Team champ!” Cena: “Doctorate in Thuganomics, Has Battle Rapped half the Smackdown roster!”

The WWE rewind is Akio beating Jamie last week as Nidia makes Tajiri’s nightlife miserable.

Backstage, Jamie is putting his foot down: Nidia is not going to come to ringside. Nidia tries to protest, but Jamie tells her that he doesn’t need the distraction. Nidia reluctantly acquiesces. Jamie heads off, but suddenly has a plan.

Sakoda (w/ Tajiri) is out, and here comes Jamie, with Nidia in tow. He stands her next to the apron and jumps in the ring.

Jamie and Sakoda trade punches and Jamie gets a quick schoolboy for 2. Sakoda back up and gets a few shots in, but Jamie comes back and starts working the shoulder. Sakoda back and wiping Jamie out with a clothesline. Sakoda now working Jamie’s shoulder and back. Sakoda powerslamming Jamie all over the place while Nidia asks, “Is everything okay?” Sakoda with a backbreaker. Jamie off the ropes and he comes back with a flying knee. Sakoda tossed out of the ring, Jamie follows with a plancha. Sakoda back in the ring, and Jamie grabs Nidia and throws her into the ring. Tajiri tries to protest, and behind the refs back, Jamie shoves Nidia into Sakoda, and then Schoolboys Sakoda for the pin. He then goes and throws Nidia out of the ring, pausing for a quick celebration, then coming to Nidias aid, lying to her, telling her that one of Tajiri’s boys tossed her around.

Tazz and Cole display indignation at Jamie’s actions, and then cut us to Josh, Backstage with John Cena. John calls Josh “Macauley Culkin’s little brother” and says that if he has to beat Benoit for the shot at the title, then that’s how it goes. This brings Benoit over to chuckle lightly and tell Cena that he can talk all he wants, but Benoit is the one that can back his stuff up.

Back from Commercials, and it’s time for the #1 contenders match.

John Cena is out first. Of course, he grabs a mic. “So Paul Heyman says this match is in the best interests of Smackdown? He’s just protecting his bitch Brock Lesnar, cause all he does is back down!” He raps about how he’s going to win, and tonight’s ‘Rhyme along with John’ word is “Dick!” Chris Benoit is out, and it’s on.

Lockup, Benoit forced to the corner. Benoit reverses, and shoulderblocks Cena down. Quick vertical and pin get 2.  Cena back up and Benoit with the knife-edges. Cena back in Benoits face, brawling him down, and leveling him with a clothesline and cover gets 2. Body slam, 5-knuckle shuffle, pin gets 2. Benoit into the corner, and Benoit fires back with more knife-edges. Benoit moves in, and Cena mat wrestles Benoit into a headlock, and switches over to a surfboard. Benoit rams Cena's nose with his head, but gets put down with a spinebuster. Cover gets 2. Benoit surprises us with a small package, John kicks out and goes for a cover of his own, gets 2. Benoit into the corner, Cena following up with kicks to the ribs. Benoit picked up and Cena with the delayed vertical suplex. Cena covers, but only gets two. Cena with a shot to the face, two. Cena goes for a third, but Benoit with the waistlock and the Hat Trick Germans! Benoit taunts John and signals for the flying Headbutt. Benoit up, but John moves! John back up, He pumps up the Nike’s, and goes after Benoit. Benoit comes back with some offense, but Cena kicks him in the gut, and delivers the FU. Cena covers, but as the ref counts 3, Chris gets the foot on the rope. Nick Patrick raises John’s hand, but Benoit starts protesting. Another ref comes down, and we get an instant replay where we see the foot on the rope from a different angle. Despite John’s protestations, Nick makes the decision that since Benoit's foot was on the rope, the match must restart. We go immediately to commercial.

Back from commercial, and Cena has control, but Benoit rolls under a Cena clothesline and goes to work on his shoulder. Dropkick, hammerlock suplex, and Cena’s arm is in pain. Benoit methodically taking Cena apart with knife-edges. Cena clotheslined down, Benoit covers, only gets two. Cena tries to come back with a haymaker, but he uses his bad arm, so he ends up hurting himself. Benoit keeps on the arm, slamming Cena on it, running elbow drop, cover, gets two. Benoit runs into a clothesline, but it’s Cena’s bad arm again. Benoit knocks Cena out of the ring, then goes and rolls him right back in. Benoit locking in the high armbar, but Cena kicks out. Kick to the gut, Throwback, cover gets 2. Cena goes for a slam, but he can’t hold Benoit up. Benoit locking in the sharpshooter! Cena makes the ropes, tho. Cena sent to the corner, they brawl, and Cena gets a fireman’s carry slam (Cole calls it an FU) out of nowhere. Big Show runs out for no real reason except to get knocked off the apron by Cena. Cena turns around and Benoit locks in the crossface on the bad arm, and Cena taps out in short order. Benoit celebrates as Big Show smirks on the ramp.

Ok, a well-rested Shannon Moore gives Big Show a full dropkick to the chest earlier tonight, and Big Show barely registers the impact. Cena, after 20 minutes in the ring with Benoit knocks Big Show off the apron with his bad arm. Anyone else see the hole in the storytelling here?

Back from commercial, and we go over both pin falls in the match previous. Ohhh, Big Show was simply distracting Cena. * shrugs *

Backstage, and Chavo is pumping up with his rubber bands, and Eddie runs up and offers up his support. Chavo tells Eddie, “Nuh uh!” and tells Eddie that tonight, it’s not about Eddie, it’s about Chavo, so Chavo is going out to take on Shelton Benjamin by himself.

Out to the ring, with Shelton Benjamin (W/ Charlie Haas) and Chavo is out to follow. Against Chavo’s wishes, Eddie comes out in the Phaturn low-rider. As Chavo yells at Eddie, Shelton sneak attacks and they brawl around until Chavo reverses an airplane spin into a 360 head scissors. Eddie has taken this time to set up a lawn chair and is reading the latest issue of WWE Magazine while drinking from his beer helmet with YJ Stinger in the holders. Chavo stays on Shelton until Shelton gets a spinebuster to turn the tide. Shelton rips the knee brace off and goes to work on Chavo’s injured knee. Chavo sent to the corner, Shelton charges in and catches Chavo’s leg. As Shelton talks trash, Chavo kicks him with his other leg. Chavo gets a flurry of offense in, and Charlie tries to interfere. As the ref is distracted by him, Eddie sneaks in and hits a frogsplash. Chavo takes advantage and gets the pin. After the match, Chavo is pissed that Eddie just HAD to come in and steal some of Chavo’s glory. Chavo refuses to ride out with Eddie.

Next week on Smackdown: The Cat and Sable! Special musical performance… Uhh, Rick, I think I’m going to be sick next Thursday…

Back to the arena, and Tazz is grossly neglecting his job by playing Final Fantasy X-2 at the announce table. They throw us to a recap package of Brock Lesnar’s greatest hits while Tazz tries to get to the shower scene with Yuna and Rikku.

Backstage, and Benoit is impressed by the package, but he points out that they forgot to include Benoit making Brock tap out at Survivor series. Benoit promises more of the same.

Back from commercials, and the FBI are running a pool on Benoit vs. Brock. Just goes to show you how dumb pro wrestlers are: They’re betting on Pro Wrestling! A-Train makes an appearance and puts $10,000… on BENOIT!

Out to the ring, and Brock Lesnar is out first to defend his title against Chris Benoit. Benoit wastes no time and goes right after Lesnar. Lesnar comes back, and brawls Benoit into the corner. Benoit whipped to the other corner, and Brock runs into an elbow. Benoit with some knife-edges, a trio of arm drags, and Brock gets tossed. Benoit follows, but Brock grabs him and bounces his head off the announce table. Brock picking Benoit up, but Benoit wriggles out and posts Brock. Both men back in, and they brawl around some more until Brock overpowers Benoit. Brock with a cradle suplex, then tossing Benoit out of the ring. Brock with the gorilla press slam on the announce table. Brock kicks Benoit around a bit more, rolls him back in, and applies the double grapevine. Benoit not giving up, tho. Benoit fights his way back to his feet, elbows his way out, and bounces off the rope, but runs right into a spinebuster from Brock. Looks like one of Benoit’s elbows connected wrong and Brock has a bloody nose. Of course, we can’t show blood on UPN, so we go to commercial.

Back, and Brock has the double grapevine reapplied. Benoit fighting out again, this time knife-edging Brock into oblivion. Benoit charges, but Brock low-bridges him and Benoit tumbles to the floor. Brock out to apply a few kicks, but getting annoyed by the “You tapped out!” chants. Benoit sent into the ringsteps, and Brock back in the ring to let Benoit get counted out. Benoit back up, and Brock goes to kick him off, but Benoit was playing possum and he snatches Brock out of the ring. Benoit with a flurry of offense, making Brock eat the ringsteps himself. Benoit in to break the count, then back out to chase Brock around. Back in the ring, and Benoit is kicking and punching Brock around. Brock with a surprise back elbow, followed up by an even more surprising German Suplex. Both men back to their feet. They trade rights, with Benoit getting the better of the exchange. Brock shoves Benoit into the corner, But Benoit dodges the charge and Brock posts himself. Benoit locks in and hits the hat trick Germans. Benoit signaling, up to the top rope, FLYING HEADBUTT CONNECTS! Benoit with the cover, Brock kicks out at the 2-9/10^th count! Brock back up and Benoit grabs the arm bar, trying to set up the crossface. Brock resists and rolls out. Benoit back on Brock with the arm bar, but Brock grabs him a whips him around, bumping the ref. Benoit locks in the crossface and Brock taps, but the Ref is out. Benoit finally breaks the hold and tries to revive the ref, but Brock grabs Benoit and hits the F-5. Brock covers. 1! 2! NO!! Brock is furious. As the Ref is trying to recover, Brock bails and grabs a steel chair, returns, and blasts Benoit’s knee with it. Brock then takes Benoit and twists him around in a way that no human body was meant to bend. The ref asks, but Benoit isn’t giving up. Soon, his screams stop, tho, and the ref calls for the bell. The announcement is made that Benoit has lost consciousness, and as a result, Brock Lesnar is the winner. Brock grabs his belt and poses with it, then taunts Benoit by putting him into a cross face and making his limp arm tap. We leave with Brock celebrating.

Whew, I need a cigarette after that last match! And Benoit, as if there was ever any doubt, has reinstated himself as the King of the Workers. The rest of the show is a blur to me, what with Benoit dominating with a good 30-40 minutes of ring time. You can bet that Benoit will be back for more next week, seeing as how he never actually tapped out. As for Cena, Look for him to become the next in a long string of workers that will try to make Big Show look good.

As for the rest of the show: The Bashams lose to Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty. Well, I guess someone had to come along and start a feud, what with just about every other tag team occupied elsewhere. Shannon Moore had better have some help coming, and I mean soon. I don’t know how much longer him playing the part of the human silly ball will continue to be entertaining. Jamie Knoble: Despicable heel now, or simply trying to prove a point to Nidia? The slow burn on Chavo trying to prove himself equal/superior to Eddie is going along well. I, like many other people, hope that it’s not an excuse for a drug angle, that hopefully these “Real friends” that Chavo talked about a few weeks ago won’t be drug dealers or something lame like that. And hey, they are sparing us The Cat singing for a week, so that’s something!

Last weeks show was excellent, this weeks show: Outstanding!

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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