by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Now, on with the recappin!

5 Minutes out: Who will be next to get their hands on Brock Lesnar? Something tells me that if I stay tuned, I’ll find out!

Last week, Rey Mysterio had the biggest opportunity of his career, and Brock had a LOT of trouble getting the Brock Lock set in. Oh, small question for anyone who was at the tapings: did Hardcore Holly at least give Rey some props when the camera’s stopped rolling?

Opening, pyro, and we are LIVE! (taped) from Jacksonville, Flo-duh, and later tonight, there will be a fatal 4-Way for the tag team titles.

But first, here comes John Cena. He talks about the season, and how he never had a good Christmas, so he made time with Santa’s wife. Tonight’s “Rhyme along with John” word of the night is ‘Dick!’ John pulls up a seat next to Tazz and Cole, who go nuts about him going toe to toe with The Big Show on Christmas next week in Iraq.

Speaking of which, here comes the Big Show to take on Orlando Jordan in a non-title match. While Big Show jaw jacks with Cena, Orlando attacks from behind and gets a flurry of offense to start. After playing keep away with Big Show for a few seconds, he gets a top rope cross body for two. Big Show gets his hands on Orlando and match becomes what you’d expect: Orlando playing pinball for Big Show’s headbutts and choke slams. Orlando comes back, elbowing his way out of a chokeslam and dropkicking Big Show’s knee out from under him. Big Show gets a hold of him again and finishes it with a chokeslam. Cena and Big Show talk trash for a few seconds until we go…

Backstage, where Hardcore Holly is walking in. A security guy stops him and says he can’t enter. Hardcore says, “Au contrare, Mon ami.” And tells him that Paul Heyman invited him in. A set of security comes in to confirm his story, and they escort him to his private Dressing room so he can meet Paul.

Back from commercials, and A-Train is in the ring. Brock Lesnar comes out with Matt Morgan and Paul Heyman in tow. Paul lets A-Train know that the reason he’s out here is because Brock wants to say something to him. Brock rehashes the damage that he inflicted on Rey, and then asks how A-Train did in his match with Shannon Moore last week. A-Train tries to speak, but Brock cuts him off and gets the story from Matt, who tells us that A-Train got beat and lost Team Lesnar a lot of money. We relive A-Trains loss from last week real quick, and Brock demands an explanation. A-Train gets in Brocks face, and promptly pusses out and says I’m sorry. He knows he’s let Team Lesnar down, and wants a chance to make things right. Paul has a great idea. You see, because the Board of directors have been on his case, Paul has been forced to lift the suspension on Hardcore Holly. So Paul has him in a match tonight. If he wins, he gets a title shot. If he loses, then he’s gone forever. Paul wanted to make it a handicap match, but he knows the board of directors would never approve of such a stipulation, so he makes it a tag match: Hardcore Holly and Shannon Moore vs. A-Train and Matt Morgan. Lots of nodding all around, Brock glares at A-Train, and we go to commercials.

Viva la Rasa! Los Guererros are out in a sweet red and yellow low rider truck to kick off the Fatal 4-Way. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team is out next, followed by Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi, with the Champions, The Bashams (w/ Shaniqua and remixed entrance music) bringing up the rear. Rikishi and Danny start. Danny quickly tags Eddie in. Eddie distracts Rikishi and gets a low blow and a flurry of rights to start, but Rikishi takes over with some big man offense. Chavo comes in and tries to help, but Scotty comes in and helps out. Rikishi gets Los Guererros set up for a double stinkface, but Eddie tags Charlie in. Charlie doesn’t fare very well against Rikishi either. Scotty tagged in, Shelton tagged in, at some point, Shelton tags Doug Basham in. Everyone jumps in the ring and everyone GETS ROWDY! Both Bashams end up stacked up in the corner, where Rikishi goes to deliver a double stinkface. TWGTT gets in his way for a second, then realize, “Hey, what are we doing this for?” and clear the way for the stinkface. Stinkface is delivered, everyone has a laugh and the Bashams expense, and then it’s back to brawling as we go to commercial.

Back, and Shelton is beating on Danny when he gets a blind tag from Scotty. Danny turns the tables until he misses a charge and falls victim to The Worm. Charlie pulls Scotty off at the 2-Count. Both Bashams isolating Scotty, hitting a couple doubleteam moves. Danny isn’t paying attention to his ring position and Charlie tags his way in and it’s TWGTT’s turn to make Scotty play Ricky Morton. Numerous pinfall attempts are broken up by the Bashams and Los Guererros. Danny gets a blind tag of his own and works Scotty over. Scotty kicks Danny off and tries to get to his corner to tag Rikishi in, but Doug gets tagged in and he grabs him. Scotty kicks away again, and this time gets the tag. This leads into a fast paces segment where everyone shows off their signature moves, leaving Danny Basham and Scotty by themselves. Danny set up on the top turnbuckle and Scotty going for a suplex. Chavo in, shoving Scotty off and taking the suplex himself. Doug is there with a frogsplash, tho, and gets the pin to retain the titles.

Backstage, Dawn-Marie is barely in a festive red outfit while Paul lets us all know that he’s going to play title shot bingo with Brock’s title. Everyone on Smackdown (except Chris Benoit) has a chance to get the shot and we go to commercial with Paul spinning the lottery hopper.

The Lugz boot of the week is Sable booting the Cat to the curb last week.

In the ring, Bruce (or whatever his name is now) is in the ring to introduce The Cat, who apparently is out to dance for us some more. Cole compares Cats attire to an audition for the Flying Elvises. Cat’s dance recital is interrupted by Sable coming out; and she looks pissed. Sable wants to know what the hell Cat was thinking when he kissed her last week. He offers more of the same, she is disinclined to accept. She is midway through a threat when Cat says, “Screw it!” and forces another kiss on her. This brings about the triumphant return of Vince McMahon. They have a small comedy spot where Bruce gets bounced off the ring ropes as Vince steps through the ropes. They have a quick pissing contest about who’s the greatest. Vince then tortures us all by dancing to Cat’s music. Vince then tells Cat to go ahead and dance with Sable, which the Cat is more than willing to do. Vince uses Cat’s distraction to give Cat a low blow and he and Sable make their exit. Hopefully, this will actually lead to The Cat actually, you know, doing something.

The X-Box smack of the night is Jamie’s deception of Nidia from two weeks ago.

Rey Mysterio is out to take on Jamie Knoble (w/ Blind Nidia) for a shot at the #1 contendership for the Cruiserweight title.

Circle, lockup, and Jamie mat wrestles Rey for a bit. Rey flippy floppy’s around and gets a monkey flip on Jamie. Second monkey flip has Jamie landing on his feet, they both go for dropkicks and the match resets. Lockup again, Jamie forces Rey into the corner and hits a couple of chops. Cross corner whip, and Rey tries to get a leg scissors, but Jamie catches him and plants him in the mat. Surfboard applied to Rey. Knoble hangs Rey in the tree of woe, but Rey fights back, gets up, moonsault hits and Rey gets the cover for two. Both men back up and they do a quick pinfall reversal sequence, leading to an attempted 6-1-9. Jamie yanks the middle rope down and Rey flies through, hitting the floor. Jamie rolling Rey back in and the ref is seeing to him. Jamie then grabs Nidia and rolls HER in as well. He shoves her into the ref and the three of them go sprawling. Jamie arrogantly goes for a powerbomb, but Rey reverses it and gets the surprise rollup pin for the win and the #1 contendership. After the match, Nidia cowers in the corner of the ring until Jamie goes, picks her up and starts telling her that it was Rey tossing her around this week. Meanwhile, some fan is screaming at her, “He’s lying!”

Backstage, Hardcore Holly intimidates the security guys as Josh comes in and asks the dumb question of the night, “Why take the all or nothing stip?” Holly goes over the usual spiel about how he’s going to hurt Brock and take his title.

Back from commercial, and some of the Jacksonville Jaguars are in the front row.

Chris Benoit is out to take on Chuck Palumbo (w/ FBI). As usual, the ref sends Nunzio and Johnny the Bull to the back at the start of the match. Chuck attacks first and brawls Benoit down. Chris back with some chops, but Chuck powers Benoit down and gets a cover for two. Chuck using power moves to keep Benoit down. Head vice locked in, but Benoit elbows his way out, but Chuck is right there to squash Benoit in the corner again. Head vice locked in again; Benoit fights his way out again with a spinning arm bar. Both men back up, and Benoit gets a crossface out of nowhere, but Chuck makes the ropes. Benoit with the dropkicks to keep Chuck down, and then the Hat Trick Germans. Benoit up and signaling for the Headbutt. Benoit up, he flies, he connects! Cover, only gets 2. Chuck into the corner. Benoit goes in for the kill, but Chuck pulls him into the turnbuckle and gets a quick rollup for 2. Chuck staggers up and goes for something, but Benoit locks in a crossface, and that’s all she wrote. After, the FBI run down and do the heel beatdown on Benoit.

Backstage, Nidia is being looked at when Rey comes in and tries to explain that Jamie has been using her. When she won’t respond to him in English, he switches to Spanish, but this has no effect either; she just wants Rey to go away.

Back from commercial, and we get a quick CNN news blurb about Kurt Angle going to Iraq to boost the morale of the troops. Also there: Robin Williams and that hottie sports woman from ESPN.

Back to the arena, Rhyno (themanbeast) is out to challenge Bradshaw to a match to settle the score between them. Tazz and Cole bring up that Bradshaw is in Iraq at the moment. Rhyno demands that he be declared the winner by forfeit, but before his arm can be raised, the APA’s music hits and here comes Farooq! Rhyno tries to bail, but Farooq drags him back in and starts with the brawling. They brawl back and forth, not doing anything interesting for about 3 minutes when Rhyno gives a blatant low blow to draw the DQ, then follows up with a GOAR! just to be a dick. Rhyno exits holding his own hand high.

Backstage, Paul gushes over the Title Shot lottery as the security guys take the hopper out to the ring. Meanwhile, Dawn Marie inches closer and closer to nipple slip territory.

Back, and Paul has taken over ring announcer duties as he stands over the hopper. He calls Brock out, who looks kind of perplexed at Paul’s actions. Paul apologizes for not giving Brock any real preparation time. Paul spins the hopper and Brock reaches in and picks out a name. Brock looks incensed and says he wants to draw again. Paul asks him why and Brock says he doesn’t want to defend his title against the hottest prospect on Smackdown: Shannon Moore. As Shannon makes his way to the ring, everyone has a light chuckle at his expense. So I guess this makes his tag match with Hardcore Holly kind of problematic, huh

Shannon in the ring and Brock shoves him down. Shannon gets back up, and stomps Brocks foot and commences with the kicks and dropkicks to keep Brock off his balance. Shannon keeps just out of Brocks reach long enough to keep the match interesting, then Brock grabs Shannon and applies the Brock Lock and ends it for Shannon. Afterwards, Brock goes out to the hopper and begins to gloat, and in doing so, lets us all know that all the balls had Shannon Moore’s name on them. Brock informs us that Hardcore now has a destroyed partner and then entreats him to come on down and get it over with.

Back from commercials, and Hardcore is out, preceded by about 8 security guys. Brock baits Hardcore, and while hardcore is distracted, Matt Morgan and A-Train rush the ring and try to get the cheap quick beatdown and win. Hardcore breaks it up, but Shannon is still in the ring, so Matt and A-Train take turns hurting Shannon. Shannon does a good job playing rag doll to A-Train and Matt’s big man offense. Hardcore tries for some more interference, but that’s stopped by the ref. Shannon set up in the corner as A-Train tries for a superplex, but Shannon gets a fluke DDT out of it. Shannon is able to make it to the corner and Hardcore rushes in and cleans house. After getting the hanging kick on A-Train, he is tossed out by Matt, who then starts arguing with the ref, allowing Brock to sneak around and get a cheap chair shot. Matt pulling Hardcore back in and gets a powerbomb, but Hardcore kicks out at 2 9/10ths. A- Train runs in and tries to do something, but he gets taken out by Hardcore. Matt walks into an Alabama slam and after a quick 1-2-3, Hardcore has his title shot. After the match, Brock is incensed and Hardcore is happy. Fade out, and we are out.

Not a spectacular show, just kind of there. Everything is placed for the 2-week layoff, but nothing really compelling jumps out at me and makes me go, “Whoa, this is going to be Must-See TV come January 1^st!” Smackdown just kind of marked time this week.

See ya in two weeks!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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