by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

5-minute out bumper: 2003 was a Banner year for Smackdown (complete with a greatest hits package). What surprises lay in store for 2004? Tune in and find out!

WWE leader, and we are taken back to Two Weeks Ago. Hardcore Holley had an uphill battle, but in the end, he won the right to return to Smackdown and get himself a title shot. Methinks that A-Trains errant bicycle kick will lead to further babyfacication. Happy for us, huh?

Smackdown Opening, Pyro, and we are Live! (taped) from Laredo, TX. Tazz and Cole let us know (complete with spiffy graphic) that Holly and Lesnar will be facing each other for the title at the Royal Rumble. But first…

Our first match of the year: Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri (w. Yakuza) for the Cruiserweight title. Bell rings, and it’s on!

Circle, lockup, and Tajiri fakes a kick at Rey’s head. They circle, lockup again and Rey gets a waistlock and they mat wrestle for a bit, exchanging holds until they face off again. Test of strength, but Tajiri drops down and gets a leg takedown and goes for a leg lock, but Rey twists out, only to be taken down again. Rey powers up, but Tajiri blasts him with forearms to put him down again. Rey sent into the corner, but he comes back. Tajiri going for the Handspring elbow, but Rey dropkicks him out. Rey then follows up with an over the top rope hand stand senton to knock Tajiri silly. Akio and Sakoda try to interfere, but Rey scares them off as we go to commercial.

Back, and Rey gets back Body Dropped out, and Rey shoulders Tajiri as he comes back in. Rey setting Tajiri up for 619, but Akio tries to interfere. As the ref tells Akio off, Sakoda catches Rey during the 619 and drops him on his head outside the ring. Rey back in, and Tajiri unloads with the kicks to put Rey down and goes for the covers. Rey kicked out of the ring. Tajiri drags him back in. Rey hung in the tree of woe, followed by a dropkick to the knee. Cover gets 2. Tajiri with the kicks, targeting the knee. Rey into the corner; dodges a Tajiri splash. Kick exchange ends with Rey putting Tajiri down. Tajiri up on top, Rey hits the Hurricanrana! He covers, but only gets two. Both men up and they exchange fisticuffs, Tajiri getting the better of it, and more kicks. Rey hitting the leg scissors bulldog, but Tajiri kicks out of the cover. Both men fighting it out some more until Tajiri rolls through a suplex attempt into a half crab. Rey makes the ropes. They fight it out in the corner, Rey gets put up top. Tajiri going for the superplex, but Rey shoves him off. Rey standing up, but Akio shoves HIM off. Tajiri grabs him and hits a running powerbomb. 1-2-NO! Rey kicks out! Tajiri goes for the buzzsaw kick, but Rey ducks and gets a surprise rollup for 2. Tajiri up and beating on Rey. Akio up on the apron and grabbing Rey from behind. Tajiri goes for the green mist, but hits Akio instead. Rey whipped across the ring, where he hits a handspring to kick Sakoda off the apron. Tajiri goes for another powerbomb, but Rey reverses it into a ‘rana to set Tajiri up for the 6-1-9. 6-1-9 hits, Rey with the west coast pop, and we have a NEW Cruiserweight Champion!

After the match, Michael Cole hits the ring for the post match interview. Mysterio made a New Years Resolution to win the Cruiserweight title, but he didn’t expect to actually win it tonight. He in interrupted by Big Show, who is out to shill his new shirt. You see, it’s got a couple big dick metaphors on it, so Big Show couldn’t wait to whip it out for everyone. He calls the audience fat, and Rey snatches the shirt from him. Big Show says that if Rey wants to buy a shirt, that’s fine, but he needs to give that one back. Rey fakes Big Show out a couple times by faking throwing it into the audience. Big show says to give it back, or he’ll beat the crap out of Rey, so Rey tosses it. Big Show makes good on his promise, and is about to chokeslam Rey when Hardcore Holley hits the ring to deliver a Perfect Dropkick™ to Big Show and Rey hits the 6-1-9 to send the crowd home happy!

Oh, back from commercial, and there’s still more Smackdown. Moments ago, things didn’t exactly go Big Shows way. Backstage, Big Show starts destroying stuff until Paul Heyman rushes in and placates him by making a match with Hardcore Holly. Big Show throws another piece of equipment for good measure and leaves Paul grinning maniacally.

Out in the ring, Bradshaw (W/ Smackdown in Baghdad footage) is out to take on Rhyno in the rubber match of their little feud. Lockup, and Rhyno forced into the corner. Bradshaw gets a quick clothesline (not from hell, tho) and covers for 2. More brawling, and Rhyno gets a DDT for 2. Rhyno up and pounding on Bradshaw in the corner, and bringing him out with a suplex. Cover gets two, and Bradshaw is up with the chops. Rhyno going for a cross body, but Bradshaw catches him and hits the Last Call. Cover only gets 2. Both men up and brawling again. Bradshaw sent to the corner, but he dodges a charge and hits another clothesline (THIS one from Hell). Cover, 1-2-3, and Bradshaw wins the feud.

Earlier Today, Los Guererros participated in the Low Rider Parade. Later, they have a match against The Worlds Greatest Tag Team.

Back from Commercials, and Tazz and Cole send us to the video package showing us what happened during Smackdown in Baghdad. Rick has already discussed it enough.

Backstage, Paul Heyman gets a little out of character and tells us what an honor it was to perform for the troops in Baghdad. He’s stopped by John Cena, who calls bullshit. John points out that he was there, while Paul was nowhere to be seen. He calls Paul a coward. Paul takes umbrage at this, and says that he’s not a coward, because he is a leader of men. He demonstrates this by giving John Cena the chance to enter the Royal Rumble. John and the partner of his choice will take on the FBI next, and if they win, they are in. If they lose, tho, both of them will be out. Paul shrieks out a HAPPY NEW YEAR! And John heads out to find his partner.

Back, and the FBI are all already in the ring. John Cena is out and he’s got a mic. He states that he can’t believe that to get to the Royal Rumble, he’s got to beat the 3 stooges. He states that FBI has an alternate meaning, and tonight, we get 3 “Sing Along with John” Words (Fuck, Shit, and Ass). Cena makes his way to the ring, leaving us wondering if Cena actually got a partner. Benoit’s music hits, and he lets us know that he’ll be Cent’s huckleberry. Both men charge the ring, and it’s a pier 5 brawl as everyone GETS ROWDY! Ref gets the ring cleared out and Cena ends up with Johnny the Bull. After some interference, Cena goes on the defensive and plays Ricky Morton. Chuck tagged in, and Cena gets worked over in the FBI’s corner. Nunzio tagged in, he gets a quick kick, and tags right back out. FBI works Cena over some more and while the ref is distracted with Benoit, the make a wish with John on the pole. Nunzio fakes a tag in and gets a quick flurry of offense on Cena, then tags Johnny in. more beatdown until Cena gets a side suplex and the hot tag to Benoit. Benoit in and he’s a BALL O’ FAR! German suplexes all around, signaling, flying headbutt hits Johnny the Bull, but cover is broken up by Nunzio. Double team by FBI allows a Cover on Benoit, but Cena breaks it up. More brawling and Benoit gets a sharpshooter on Johnny. Before he can tap, tho, Chuck hits a jungle kick and Benoit goes down. Johnny goes to cover, but Benoit kicks out. Johnny tries for something, but Benoit reverses into a crossface. Chuck tries to interfere, but Cena is in to deliver an FU. Ref turns back to Benoit, and Johnny is tapping furiously, and Benoit and Cena are going to the Royal Rumble!

Back from commercials, and we get a view of the line of sevicemen and women in Baghdad waiting to get autographs from the WWE superstars.

Back to the arena, and Kurt Angle makes his triumphant return to Smackdown! After a well-deserved break to spend the holidays with his family, he’s glad to be back. And after seeing the footage of Smackdown in Baghdad, he’s proud of our servicemen and women. When he went over, he met a young soldier who left while his wife was 8 months pregnant. That soldier hasn’t seen his daughter yet, and he knows that when he gets back, he will have missed so much of his daughter’s life. Kurt recognizes the sacrifice that all of our servicemen and women make, and salutes us all. He says that even though he isn’t a soldier, he can still kick ass, and thusly enters himself in the Royal Rumble. He guarantees a win at the Rumble, and dedicates it to the men and women serving in the armed services.

Back from commercials, and its time for The Big Show vs. Hardcore Holly (non-title).

Hardcore starts with some rights, but Big Shows shrugs them off and starts manhandling Holly. Holly keeps trying to come back, but Big Show keeps beating him down. Clothesline, Headbutt, stepover legdrop, and Big Show with the cover, but he pulls Hardcore up at 2. Big Show using the ropes to work Holly’s neck. Hardcore gets a bit of offense in after Big Show gets hung up on the top rope. Hardcore hits a bulldog to hangman Big Show and follows up with a top-rope flying clothesline. Big Show kicks out of the cover attempt, tho. Big Show takes over again. Rey Mysterio is down to try and give a hand with a steel chair, but Big Show punches him out of mid air. As the chair falls in the middle of the ring, Big Show goes for the chokeslam. Holly kicks out for a blatant low blow, drawing the DQ. Holly snatches the chair away from Brian Hebner and lays Big Show out with it. Two chair shots and Big show is down and busted open. One more chair shot for good measure and Holly takes his leave.

Back from commercials, and oh boy, The Ass Man is coming back at the Royal Rumble.

Elsewhere, Dawn-Marie asks Paul when she’s going to be on the cover of the Smackdown Magazine. A door slamming prompts Paul to send her away as Benoit gets in his face. Benoit decides to gloat about getting into the Royal Rumble against Paul Heyman’s plans. Paul decides to rebut, calling Benoit a peon who will never match Paul in status. But Paul recognizes that Benoit wants to be #1, so that’s what Paul makes him: the #1 entrant in the Royal rumble, punctuating his words by poking Benoit, not noticing that he’s pissing Benoit off more and more. Finally Benoit has enough and grabs Paul’s finger and promises that he will win the Royal Rumble and he will win the WWE title.

Elsewhere, the Smackdown jobber crew (w/ Eddie) are congratulating Rey on his cruiserweight title win. Eddie says that Rey has inspired him and that he’s going to join the Royal Rumble. Chavo interrupts and questions his selfishness and reminds him that they have a match coming up next. Eddie apologizes and promises to concentrate on the match.

Viva la Rasa! Los Guererros are out and this time, Chavo is driving the low rider! The Worlds Greatest Tag Team follows.

Eddie starts with Shelton. Lockup, Eddie into the corner, and Eddie starts working Shelton over pretty quick. Tag to Chavo, and he gets a bit of offense in before Shelton takes over. Tag to Charlie, and Chavo gets some momentum back with a dropkick. As Chavo attempts a backdrop suplex, Shelton gets a blind tag and comes in with an exploder suplex. Shelton controls for a few seconds and tags in Charlie again. Charlie with offense, but Chavo gets a knockdown. Chavo with an opportunity to tag, but he refuses. Eddie lets go of the tag rope to make the tag and the ref disallows it and lectures him on tag procedure. Chavo is back in and getting beat down by TWGTT. Eddie draws Shelton out of the corner and the Ref goes to intercept him. Behind the ref’s back, Eddie drags Chavo into the corner, gets out, and takes the tag rope again and makes sure that the Ref sees his very deliberate tag on Chavo. Eddie rushes in and he cleans house on TWGTT. Shelton taken out, Hat trick suplexes for Charlie, and Eddie is going for the frogsplash, but Chavo gets a blind tag and stops Eddie, telling him that he wants the frogsplash. As they argue, Shelton gets a sneak attack on Eddie. As Shelton steps out to chase, Chavo kicks him and sends him to the floor. Chavo then gets up on the top turnbuckle and spends a few seconds showboating and then leaps into the air. He took too long, tho, as Charlie got his knees up. Shelton follows up with a superkick, and Shelton covers for the pin.

After the match, Chavo grabs the mic. He tells Eddie that the reason that the match was lost tonight was because of Eddie. He’s tired of never hearing any Chavo chants (Eddie tries to get a “Chavo” chant going, which the audience gamely goes for) but Chavo just brushes past it, saying that he getting tired of always hearing the “Eddie!” chants. He says that the problem with Los Guererros lies squarely on Eddie’s shoulders, and then slaps him across the face. Eddie stands for a second, and you can see the mental war going on in his head. His Latino fire wins out over his rationality, tho, and he goes to kick a new mud hole into Chavo. Kurt angle, tho, is out to break things up and stop Eddie from making a mistake. As he and Eddie argue in the ring, Chavo takes his leave and we go to commercial.

Back, and Kurt is trying to calm Eddie down back in the locker room. Kurt says that Chavo is right, that Eddie is being selfish. Kurt is entering the Royal Rumble for his country; Eddie is simply doing it for himself (Ok, Kurt, 1 down, time to tell the other 28 entrants that they need a better reason to enter the Royal Rumble, Mr. Motivational speaker.) He says that Eddie needs to look in the mirror and get things right on his own and leaves Eddie to stew in his own fury.

Back out to the announce table, and Tazz and Cole ponder the implications of the development of the latest chapter of Los Guererros. We go to an animated champagne glass welcoming us to 2004 and we are out of here.

Nice show to kick off the New Year with. My words can’t do the opening Cruiser match enough justice, Cena and Benoit put on a great show, and Los Guererros are becoming a very watchable bit of human drama. Everything else was perfectly acceptable wrestling. Only real question this week: Is it Chavo that’s supposed to be turning heel, or Eddie, or maybe Kurt Angle? Could Kurt be manipulating Chavo behind the scenes to cause a split in Los Guererros, and to what purpose? Ok, that’s three questions, but you get the point. I’m sure all will be explained in coming weeks, and even though it’s 4 weeks away, I’m psyched for at least Smackdown’s side of the Royal Rumble.

Anyway, Happy New year, once again, and See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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