by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

My apologies to all the OO’ers that I missed hanging out with for the Rumble, But me and my friends saw that God was dropping a huge white blanket on everything, so we figured it would be best if we got outta dodge early. Maybe next year.

Anyway, Judge Joe Brown is almost over, so now it’s on to the Wrasslin!

5 minutes out: After Eddies win at the Royal Rumble, will he stand triumphant…. Or be victimized?

WWE Leader, Opening, Pyro, and we are LIVE from Washington DC and Paul Heyman is in the ring. Before he can even get his first sentence out, “No Chance in Hell” hits and Vince McMahon makes his way to the ring, looking pissed as hell. Vince points out that Tonight WAS supposed to be a night of celebration, a night for honoring Chris Benoit on his Royal Rumble win. But you see, Chris Benoit isn’t on Smackdown anymore; He appeared on Raw last night (small slip up there, Vince.) Vince talks about the “Which Title?” loophole that Chris jumped through, and demands that Paul apologize to the Smackdown audience. Paul says, “SCREW CHRIS BENOIT!” he points out that in the past, whenever someone would jump from the WWF, Vince himself would say “Screw Nash/Hall/Hogan/Hart!” and give someone else the chance. Taking that lead, Paul decides that tonight, Smackdown will present The Royal Rumble! Vince is perplexed, but Paul explains that the winner of tonight’s Royal Rumble will go on to face Brock Lesnar at No Way Out for the title. Replacing the injured Matt Morgan will be Hardcore Holly, and replacing Chris Benoit will be Eddie Guererro. Paul runs down the rest of the Smackdown Roster that will be participating, and informs Vince that he can either go ahead and fire Paul and give someone else a shot, or he can share in the vision. Vince ponders for a second, and proclaims that Smackdown will have the Royal Rumble! Big pop for that, and we go to commercial.

Back, and we’ve got a bunch of Combat Wounded soldiers doing a USA chant on the front row.

Out to defend the Tag titles, The Bashams (W/ Shaniqua) are taking on Billy Kidman and Paul London. Wow, this is Paul’s first wrestling appearance on Smackdown since he got squashed all those months ago.

Kidman starts with Doug, chain-wrestling leads to a tag to Paul. Paul goes for the quick pin, only gets two. Up into a side headlock, Doug shoves Paul off and Paul falls through some ropes being held open by Danny. Paul hits the floor hard and the Bashams fake a tag and switch out. Danny in and working on Paul with a headlock and a surfboard. Paul almost gets out, but a tagged in Doug takes him down. Doug works on Paul, who gets a desperation elbow out of nowhere. Paul dodges a charge in the corner and dives for the tag. Billy runs in and is a ball of fire! Enziguri on Doug gets a near fall, but Billy is distracted by Danny rushing in. Dropkick for Danny, and Billy goes for the Shooting star press, but Danny pulls Billy down and crotches him on the turnbuckle. Faked tag again and Danny with the top rope DDT and getting the pinfall. Oh well, so much for Paul showing us anything more than how to play “Face in Peril.”

Backstage, Kurt Angle rambles on about dedicating his performance in the Royal Rumble tonight to the armed forces again while Dawn-Marie spins a hopper. He protests having to choose his own number, but agrees when Heyman lets him know that he wants to keep it all fair and honest. Angle reaches in, takes one look at his number, and says he’s gotta go. Dawn smiles knowingly, and we go to commercial.

Back, and Chavo is being looked at by the trainer. Chavo Sr. is with him and he wonders how Chavo Jr. is doing. Jr. says that these cuts and scrapes will heal, but the injury deep down inside will hurt forever. Jr. then states that he won’t rest until he has revenged himself on Eddie, and then everyone will know that Chavo is the greatest Guererro of all time!

Elsewhere, Eddie asks Dawn to blow on his ball for good luck, cracks it open, and smiles at his apparent good luck in getting a good number for the Royal Rumble. Rey comes in and they pal around, and yet another Guererro, This one Jorge, shows up to offer his support for Eddie. Eddie gets a little camaraderie going, and we go to hype for the upcoming match for the Cruiserweight title, NEXT!

Back, and after a quick recap of Cena’s performance at the Rumble (complete with bad knee spill, we are backstage and John Cena is all hitting on Dawn. He asks Dawn to grab his ball, and Paul nixes that. John calls him Captain Buzzkill and picks his number. He states that Dawn is fine enough to be Lady luck and starts out, but bumps into Rhyno. Rhyno tells him that he wanted to end his career at the Rumble, but he’ll be happy to do it tonight. John simply comes back with, "You stink! Get him some soap, Paul!” to which Paul proclaims it a very not funny. Rhyno calls Dawn “Toots” and…

Jamie Knoble is already in the ring (W/ Nidia and footage of his loss at the Rumble) to take on Rey Mysterio for the Cruiserweight title.

Mat wrestling to start, flipping back and for dominance. Jamie gets a headlock, and then double hand locks Rey for a series of pin attempts that come up short. Rey comes back with a leapfrog and head scissors. Jamie into the corner and Rey on the attack, but Jamie reverses a charge into a torture rack. Jamie drops him and runs the ropes, Rey with the drop toehold and going for the 6-1-9, but Jamie springs up with a back elbow to stop that. Jamie about to attack but Nidia grabs Jamie’s leg ‘accidentally.’ Rey capitalizes with a springboard head scissors and goes for the cover, but only gets 2. Jamie kicking out and brawling Rey down and taking control with power offense. A back breaker is followed up by a guillotine stretch. Rey elbows his way out. After a brief exchange, Rey gets an impressive bridge for 2. Jamie back up and ramming Rey’s back into the turnbuckles. Jamie drags Rey over to the post and bow and arrows him on it. Jamie back in and Rey get cross corner whipped. Rey ducks a charge and Jamie eats turnbuckle. Rey dragging Jamie up to the top, but Jamie punches his way out of it, and reverses into a top rope superplex. Both men down, Jamie crawls over and covers, but it was too long as Rey kicks out at 2. Both men up, and Jamie whips Rey into the corner. Rey up on the turnbuckles and springing off into a bulldog. Rey with the quick cover, but only gets 2. Rey with the kicking, off the ropes, leg scissors on Jamie, and somehow converts it into a leg scissors powerbomb for 2. Outside, Nidia gives us ‘concern.’ Jamie back up and going for the tiger driver, but Rey reverses into a 6-1-9. West Coast Pop is stopped and Jamie rushes Rey out of the ring. Jamie up on the top turnbuckle, but Nidia stumbles in the way. Jamie berates her and tosses her in the ring. He yells at her for a few seconds, but as Rey is getting back up, Nidia is shoved at him. She stops just short, then whips around and dodges a Jamie charge. Jamie eats Rey Mystero shoulder, and Rey hits the West Coast pop for the pin and to retain the title. After Rey leaves, Nidia draws herself up, stands over Jamie, and whips off the sunglasses and throws them at him. Jamie tries to protest, but Nidia is having none of it and she leaves. Wow, is it just me, or is a pissed off Nidia a really hot Nidia?

We cut to a studio recording of Rue DeBona (Who? And you can make your own jokes using the name DeBona) talking about Playboy wanting a female Tag team to grace the cover of Playboy. Whoop.

Get an outside shot of a snowy Washington DC, and Big Show can’t fit his hand in the hole, so Dawn is told to pick Big Show’s ball. Dawn makes a comment about the size of Big Show’s hand and Big Show states that chicks dig it big (which, coincidently, is the same thing that’s written on his shirt.) Big Show states that he won’t get screwed like he did at the Royal Rumble and storms off.

Elsewhere, Josh has Brock Lesnar cornered and, armed with footage of Goldberg saying that Brock is next from Monday, asks if Brock is scared of Goldberg. Brock says he ain’t afraid of nobody, and to prove that point, he is now issuing an open challenge to anyone on the Smackdown Roster, NEXT!

Still elsewhere, Dawn tells Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin to pick their balls, and Shelton goes for the boob grab, only to be stopped by Charlie, who points into the hopper and says “Those balls.” This ceremony is interrupted by Cute tech Girl rushing in and grabbing Paul Heyman and rushing him off. They rush into a restroom where Eddie Guererro has been laid out by Fit Finley! Oh wait, no, Eddie is simply being looked at by Fit, Rey, and numerous medics. Chavo's Sr. and Jr. show up and Rey gets the open-up-a-can-o’-whoopass look and despite Chavo’s protestations, jumps them both, only to get dragged off by Fit.

While we were at commercials, Eddie got wheeled out of the arena.

Out to the ring, Brock Lesnar is out, and the taker to his challenge is Orlando Jordan. Brock manhandles Orlando for a minute before Orlando gets a couple shots in and sends Brock bailing out. Brock back in, and Orlando gets a flurry of offense and a 2-count off a victory roll before Brock comes back with a big shoulder in the corner and a powerslam. Grapevine locked in. Orlando fights his way out and starts taking it to Brock with a series of dropkicks. Pin attempt gets 2. Brock sent to the corner, but levels Orlando with a clothesline coming out. Brock Lock applied, and Orlando taps quick.

Earlier today (Tuesday)  Rey Mysterio and Dawn Marie visited Walter Reed hospital to boost the spirits of some of the combat wounded. Every time I see something like this, I thank the powers that be that I was able to serve the military honorably and I left in the same condition that I went in. My heart goes out to all veterans, wounded or not.

Back from commercials, and we go over the strange occurrences between Kane and Undertaker from the past week, including the creepy video package that played on Monday.

Backstage, Josh has tracked down Vince and asks his opinion on the mysterious happenings concerning the Undertaker. Vince scoffs and says that Undertaker is dead, and therefore of no concern. He tells Josh that a proper question would have been “Who’s going to win the Royal Rumble?” Josh asks, but Vince is all, “Too late!” and walks off, but not before telling Josh that he’s a good-looking kid.

Elsewhere, Kurt busts into Paul’s office and accuses him of setting Eddie up to put Chavo in his place. Paul says no way, and explains the Eddie is indeed conscious, and when his music plays, if he comes out, then cool, he’ll compete. If not, then Kurt’s odds just went up that much more. Paul then hustles him out of his office.

Out in the ring, the announcement for the Royal Rumble is made, and our first entrant is Kurt himself! Kurt gets in the ring, but before #2 can be called, it’s time for a commercial.

Back, and #2 is Rhyno. Intervals are announced at 90 seconds, and we’re off.

Kurt goes for a lockup, but Rhyno counters with a kick. Angle fires back with right hands and Rhyno ends that with a GOAR! Rhyno drags Kurt over, but Kurt recovers and comes up to try some grappling. Rhyno gets some leverage, but turns around into an angle slam. We get the countdown and

Entry #3: Charlie Haas.

Charlie charges down and takes it right to Kurt, then throws a few shots in for Rhyno. After brawling both of them down, Charlie mocks Kurt, but takes too long and gets ambushed by Rhyno. All three men up and everyone is brawling when the buzzer sounds

Entry #4: Shelton Benjamin

Shelton in, and everyone brawling, but Shelton and Charlie get the better of everyone and hit a couple double team moves. Everyone in a holding pattern until…

Entry #5: Bradshaw

Bradshaw in and Clothesline from Hell for Charlie, CFH for Rhyno, Big Boot for Shelton, and COMMERCIAL TIME!!

Were back, and apparently The Cat came and went, and we get back just in time for

Entry #7: Tajiri

During the break, the Cat got a few nice elbow moves in, but was eliminated by Kurt Angle pretty quick.

Tajiri in and everyone brawling again.

Entry #8: Billy Gunn

Fameasser for Bradshaw. Shelton tossed, but he skins the cat back in. everyone still brawling. Tajiri gets a handspring elbow on Rhyno. Buzzer sounds.

Entry #9: The Big Show

Everyone in the ring STOPS and decide to put their differences aside to kick the shit outta Big Show. Dog pile doesn’t work, and Big Show doles out big right hands for everyone. Tajiri tries to sneak a kick in, and gets eliminated via chokeslam for his troubles. Everyone gangs up, Big Show shrugs them off. Bradshaw gets a big boot, but a charge sends him over the top with a low bridge. Countdown, Buzzer…

Entry #10: John Cena.

Everyone else in the ring pairs off for some rest holds while John goes straight for Big Show. John unloads with rapid-fire fisticuffs, and clotheslines Big Show over the top rope, but Show lands on the apron and is still in it when we go to commercial.

Back, and A-Train is in, (also, apparently we missed another entry and elimination) and we get the countdown and

Entry #13: Eddie Guererro.

Eddie is in and A-Train tries to attack, but gets dumped for his troubles. More brawling ensues until….

Entry #14: Rikishi

Rikishi goes after Billy Gunn, who stupidly tries for a sunset flip. Billy gets out, but eats a savate kick. Big Show eats two, and then gets stinkfaced. Next is Shelton, and then Billy Gunn. Countdown, Buzzer…

Entry #15: Hardcore Holly

More brawling, Big Show grabs John Cena and chokeslams him out, but John grabs the ropes on the way out. John hangs on for dear life, but Big Show steps over and forces John to the floor, eliminating him. Kurt takes advantage of Big Show’s situation and starts trying to eliminate him. Everyone else gangs up and Big Show starts getting forced out, but John comes back and grabs Big Show’s head to drag him down and eliminate him.

Charlie and Shelton are eliminated in short order by Eddie and Angle. Bob Holly eliminated by Kurt, and our final four is Angle, Gunn, Eddie, and Rikishi.

Gunn starts to work on Kurt, then Eddie. Eddie fights him off and tries for a monkey flip, but gets caught by Billy, who carries him over to the ropes, drawing an, ‘OH SHIT!” from Eddie. Eddie reverses the elimination by leg scissoring Gunn over the top.

Eddie back in the ring, and he and Eddie team up on Rikishi, who explodes out and beats both men down. Kurt dragged to the corner and Rikishi up, but Kurt dodges before the banzai drop can hit. Angle has Rikishi on the ropes, and with the help of Eddie, Rikishi goes Bye-bye.

Eddie and Kurt stand off. Lockup, and Kurt goes for a German, which Eddie resists. Angle mat wrestles him down until Eddie clocks Angle with an elbow. Angle is pissed, Eddie just shrugs. Angle charges in, and Eddie nearly eliminates him with a Northern lights suplex. Angle hangs on, tho, and they brawl around some more, Kurt getting a couple Germans in and nearly eliminating Eddie with a third, but Eddie hung on, and Angle charges, but Eddie catches his leg and put in an Ankle lock. Kurt twists out, and after some more brawling, nearly Eliminates Eddie once again, Eddie JUST BARELY keeping his feet from touching. Eddie rolls back in and gets his hat trick verticals. Angle is down on the mat, so Eddie goes for the frogsplash. Angle springs up and runs up the turnbuckles and grabs Eddie. They fight it out on the top rope until they both slip and crotch themselves on the top ropes. Both men hurting, but Angle is up first and he locks in a sleeper on Eddie. Eddie fades, fades, fades, and Kurt drags him to the ropes to toss him out. Eddie snaps out of it, tho, and snapmares Kurt over the top rope! Kurt holds on. Eddie with a right, Kurt staggers but holds on. Another. Kurt still holds on. Another! Kurt still holds on. Eddie goes in for the killing blow, but Kurt answers with a big shoulder. Kurt still outside the ring, he grabs Eddie and goes for the vertical suplex to bring Eddie out. Eddie kicks and thrashes and reverses the suplex! After holding Angle up for a few seconds, he lawn-darts Kurt to the outside and Eddie Guererro is the winner of the first ever Smackdown Royal Rumble! Eddie celebrates in the ring as Angle lets out his frustration on the ring steps and we fade out.

Good promo to start, a good Cruiserweight match and short but inoffensive Tag Match in the middle, Brock not quite squashing Orlando, and numerous “ball” jokes had this show in the lower 3’s for me, but that main event pushed it up to the high 3’s. Now that Eddie has his title shot, let’s see how they run with it. Now that we have the main Even worked out for NOW, lets get to work on the rest of the undercard next week, k?

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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