by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ready for it?

MONKEY!

You see, everything is funnier with monkeys!

Anyway, on with the wrasslin!

5 Minutes out: After a sneaky sneak attack last week, Eddie Guererro rose to the occasion and wont he Royal Rumble. What will the fallout be like this week? Tune in, NEXT!

WWE Leader (and Tough Enough is STILL in it) and Last Week, Latino Heat punched his own ticket to San Francisco in two weeks.

We go Live at the Gund Arena in Cleveland and Paul talks about the momentous win of Eddie Guererro last week, and then moves on to talk about how he’s going to decide who gets the shot at the WWE title at WM XX. He runs down Eric Bischoff’s propensity for overtalking, and says that he’s going to do the opposite and give us a match right off.

Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi are down and they are challenging The Bashams (w/ Shaniqua) for the World Tag Team Titles!

Rikishi and Scotty get things started quickly with brawling and finally, Scotty and Doug pair off. Scotty with the brief flurry of offense before getting distracted by Shaniqua and clotheslined out of his boots by Danny. Danny taking over, wearing Scotty down, giving us a couple hope tag spots, but keeping Scotty just out of arms reach. Tag to Doug, more of the same. Doug wearing Scotty down with brawling offense. A few false pins, finally reversing a sky high and tagging Rikishi in. Rikishi comes in as a ball o far. Savate kick for Doug, Danny tossed, Scotty back in for the Worm, but he gets tripped up by Shaniqua. Rikishi takes umbrage at this and drags Shaniqua in, setting her up for the Banzai Drop, but Danny is up to knock Rikishi down. Heel double team attempt backfires and Rikishi gets the Samoan drop to get the pin and the Tag Titles out of nowhere. What? Where the hell did that ending come from? Oh well, we have NEW Tag team champions! They are so excited, that we have to go to commercials.

Moments ago, Scotty and Rikishi DID IT!

Tazz and Cole wonder who the #1 contender is going to be announced as, and that segues us to a video package recapping last weeks first ever Smackdown Royal Rumble, to include the predicament that Eddie found himself in.

Coming up next, the US championship is on the line. Holy Shit! What has it been, 90 days since Big Show won the thing and this is his FIRST DEFENSE? Yeah, maybe he defended it at house shows or something, but that doesn’t mean anything to those of us that have never SEEN the thing get defended!

Backstage, Dawn-Marie taps on John Cena’s door and hopes he’s not naked. As she walks in, John’s focus goes squarely to her. Just as he’s getting comfortable, Paul Heyman walks in and interrupts his gig. Paul expresses concern for the youth of America and their exposure to vulgarity; John suggests that Paul castrate himself as a quick fix for the situation. Paul uses John’s comment as a springboard to let John know that because of his vulgarity in past weeks, John will be benched tonight. But John should stick around, because when Paul announces the #1 contender, John will find the information VERY interesting.

Out to the ring, The Big Show is out to defend the US title against The Ass Man, Billy Gunn.

Billy tries to lock up with Big Show, but Show just shrugs him off and is insulted by Billy’s attempts. They play a quick game of fake out, and after a closed fist to the face by Billy, Big Show takes over with a couple knees to the mid section. Billy uses his speed (snicker) to get around Big Show’s offense and uses Shows size to send him over the top rope. Show back in, Gunn slides out and tries to drag Show out as well, but Show reaches down and drags him back in. A little rope running, and Big Show knocks Billy down, and we go to commercial.

Back, and Billy is still suffering the negative end of a beatdown from Big Show. Big Show pounding him down, head butt, pin attempt gets two. Show yaks to the front row for a second and applies a cobra clutch. Billy hulks up, but Show knocks him down. Standing on Gunn’s neck in the corner. Gunn back up and trying to come back, but Show stops that with a huge chop (Tazz: “I think a nipple came flying off!”) Big Show in for the kill and locking in the cobra clutch again. Billy’s arm drops once, but he hulks back up and fights his way out, giving a few clotheslines, but runs right into a goozle. As Big Show picks him up, Billy with the dropkick to reverse. Fameasser, Cover, only gets two. Billy goes to the well again, but Big Show catches him this time and slams him down with a spine buster, cover, 1-2-3, and Big Show retains.

Backstage, Paul is listening to Los Chavito’s grievances with Rey Mysterio (Sr. “He hit me, man!”) Jr. says that Rey wearing his mask on the cover of the Smackdown Magazine is a disgrace to his heritage; that Chavo should be on the cover of the mag because he’s not afraid to show his face. Paul makes the match at No Way Out: Chavo Jr. vs. Rey for the Cruiserweight title. Jr. promises to both take Rey’s title and his mask. Paul has another epiphany and makes another match for tonight: Chavo SR. Vs. Rey in a non-title match. Sr. is dubious at first, but Jr. reassures him that he’s a legend and Rey should be no problem for him.

Out in the Ring, Cole hypes up the crowd and brings Eddie Guererro out for an in Ring interview. Eddie barely gets an “Orale!” out before Brock rudely interrupts him. Brock rudely snatches the mic from Cole’s hand. He gives the crowd the chance to get their “Eddie!” chants out of their system before beginning. Brock gives him props for beating 14 other guys for the shot at the title, but reminds him that Brock wasn’t in the ring. He lists all the legends that he’s beaten in his time, and goes off on a tangent by telling Goldberg to just bring it. He gets back on track by telling Eddie he’s not afraid of him, he’s not afraid of ANYBODY!

Eddie gets the mic back, and is impressed by Brock’s resume. He admits that he doesn’t have Brock’s impeccable win loss record. What he does have, is desire. You see, all his life, he’s had people telling him that he doesn’t have what it takes, the he doesn’t have a chance, that he’ll never overcome his demons or the obstacles in his path. But every day he does beat them. How does he beat them? By meeting them head on. You see, Eddie doesn’t see Brock Lesnar; he sees an obstacle that he’ll overcome. Brock grabs the mic back and says that all the naysayers and the voices were right, that Eddie is “No one!” Eddie snaps and lays Brock out and sends Brock running. Eddie has the title and takes the liberty of putting it around his waist to pose with it and receive the praises of the crowd. Hope everyone has their screen captures of this moment; it may be the last time we see Eddie wearing the big title (let’s hope not, tho).

Back from Commercials, and Last Monday, during Goldberg and Kane’s … well, I guess you could have called it a match, Undertaker freaked us all out again. I’m just waiting for the one where we get a whispered, “7 Days” to make this a total rip-off.

Back to the ring, Jamie Knoble is out (W/ footage of Nidia turning on him) to take on Billy Kidman. Wow, 2 weeks in a row! Let’s see how long Kidman’s new exposure runs.

Lockup, chain wrestling leads to a dropkick by Billy. Billy goes up to the top rope, but Billy knocks him down into a sort of tree-of-woe. Jamie with a few shots to Billy’s knee, dragging him down, and starts working the knee on the mat. Billy makes the ropes, Jamie tries to drag him out, Enziguri leads to cover, only 2. Knoble with some offense, Kidman with a small package, getting two. Jamie back up and locking in a half crab. Nidia is out and she distracts Jamie by presenting his wallet and throwing the contents into the front row. Jamie releases Billy and tries to protest, but Billy catches him with a sky high and gats the pin and victory. Crowd was totally dead the entire match. No seriously, Turn your TV on, set the volume so that you are just barely hearing it, and then walk into the next room and that was the crowd for this match.

This weekend on Confidential: take a tour inside Vince McMahon’s corporate jet. Ehh, big deal, I’ve seen the inside of Mean Gene’s private jet personally.

Speaking of Vince, apparently he likes crushing his employee’s fingers in their laptops.

Cole teases Tazz about how Vince used to that to him, and Moments ago, Nidia screwed up a match for Jamie. Backstage, Jamie demands that Paul make a match, and Paul gives it to him with probably the most bored expression I’ve ever seen on him.

This throws us to the world premiere of Rey Mysterio’s video for “Crossing Borders.” Take random shots of gyrating latina girls, low riders bouncing along, and clips of Rey doing the 6-1-9, and there you go. I hope his wife is one of those girls he’s swinging his hips at.

Later Tonight: Rey Takes on Chavo Sr., who has his own graphic. Well, he rates one more than Al Wilson did.

Back, and just in case you missed Raw on Monday, here’s some more of it: This time, it’s Stone Cold giving Goldberg the front Row ticket for No Way Out.

Elsewhere, RUe DeBona (that’s how they spelled it, caps and all) reveals who the diva tag team is that will be in Playboy, and to the “Surprise” of everyone, it’s Sable and Torrie. This leads to the two of them giggling about being every guy’s fantasy, and Sable showing her age every time she laughs. Oh yeah, next week, there will be an exclusive interview with the both of them. Goody. I love it when they make it easy for me.

Out to the ring, and Rey Mysterio is out for his match against Chavo Sr. (W/ Chavo Jr. and footage of the Chavo’s and Rey getting into it last week.)

Sr. begs off for a second, then sneaks a right hand in while Rey turns to the crowd for a second and kicks Rey while he’s down. Rey taken to the corner, blatant choke. Some jackass in the audience has decided to start screaming “CHAVOOOO!” at the top of his lungs for the duration of the match. After a few minutes of good offense, Rey comes back with a dropkick and it’s his match for the rest of the time. 6-1-9 set up. Jr. helps Sr. dodge the first one, but Rey dropkicks Sr. into Jr. and hits the second one. Sr. Flair-flops down in the middle of the ring and Rey gets the cover. Jr. into the ring for the post match beatdown. Jr. tries to rip the mask off, but then decides to save it for the PPV.

This week’s Wrestlemania Recall is Hogan beating Andre back in ’87.

Back, and Dawn asks if Paul has made his decision yet. Paul tells Dawn he can feel her heart beating through her chest (the top of his head is in between her breasts), makes a lame ‘costume malfunction’ joke, and says that after the next match, he’ll head to the ring and let the whole world know.

Kurt Angle is out to take on Hardcore Holly. Lockup and they mat wrestle for a bit. Top wristlock taken over into a deep arm drag by Hardcore. They trade arm wringers and Angle ends up with a side headlock on Holly. They trade shoulderblocks and start over with a face off. Kurt comes in to lock up, but Holly floors him with a back elbow. Mat wrestling is now over, brawling is how on. Angle gets the upper hand with a clothesline and back breaker. Holly taking shoulders to the back in the corner. Angle takes a few steps back and goes to run in, but Holly dodges and Angle flies through the turnbuckles and takes a wicked post shot, crumbling into a heap outside. Cole promises that we’ll get the rest of the match, NEXT! Well, I would certainly hope so…

Back, and Angle runs into a dropkick from Holly. Holly working Angle over in the corner. Angle tries to charge out, but gets into a sleeper hold. Holly wrestles him down and switches over to an arm bar. Angle battling back, but Holly with kicks to the midsection. Hardcore working Angle over in the corner again, but Angle explodes out with some right hands. Hardcore goes for the powerbomb, Angle with the fists to the head, Angle hotshotted onto the top rope. Both men up and duking it out. Angle with the Backdrop, 2 Germans, and cover gets 2. Angle looking for an Angle slam, but Holly reverses into a small package. Holly going for an Alabama slam, but Kurt has the ropes. Holly makes lemonade and hits the kick to the midsection. Holly up top, Kurt runs the turnbuckles, only to be knocked back down and Holly hits the flying clothesline. Cover only gets 2. Alabama slam hits this time, but Angle gets a foot on the ropes. Holly with a full Nelson, but Angle rolls out. Angle slam, but Holly kicks out. Ankle lock synched in, but Holly makes the ropes. Holly gets the setup for the Alabama slam again, but Kurt blocks it, snakes his way down, rolls Holly over and into an Ankle lock. Holly tries to make the ropes, but Angle drags him back out and Holly taps.

Heyman doesn’t allow any time for celebration, tho, as he power walks his way to the ring. He says that he’s glad that Kurt is there, because he is ready to announce the #1 contender. Big Show interrupts Paul’s spiel. Big Show goes on about how he’s the obvious choice; Kurt calls bullshit as they do a Happy Gilmore exchange (“I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast.” “You eat pieces of crap for breakfast?”) Paul, in the interest of not getting beat down by either guy, makes a #1 Contender match for no way out: Kurt Angle vs. The Bi…

“Word Life!” John Cena is out to run down Big Show and Angle in turn.  Show and Angle both demand that John be put in the match, to which Paul happily agrees. John says that’s cool, and promises Paul that he’s not done with him yet, that he’s going to give him a Cleveland Steamer. John gives us the “Rhyme along with John” word of the night (Shit), play his music, and we are out.

You know, Tonight’s show wasn’t so much bad as it was boring. None of the matches had anything resembling heat, nothing was advanced, plotline-wise, and the promo’s, save Eddie’s half of the Eddie/Brock exchange, were nothing to be excited about. Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty are as good a tag champs as any Smackdown has to offer, I guess, but I expect the Bashams to retake the titles at No Way Out. Maybe Jindrak and Cade should jump to Smackdown. They aren’t doing anything on Raw, and they at least have a little bit of charisma that the crowd can get behind, thanks to their mini-feud with the Dudley’s a few months back.

Smackdown can get away with putting on a lackluster show like this once, but Next week, they’d better have some great lead in for the PPV.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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