by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

We start with a close-up on Kurt Angle’s visage. For the past week, people have been asking Kurt the same question: Why? Was it for the Title? Was it for revenge? Was it for the Donuts (mmmm, Krispy Kremes)? Tonight, Kurt will give us the truth. But CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH!!?

Opening, Pyro, and after a bit of jibber jabber about Wrestlemania, We are starting off with a Sudden Death Fatal 4-Way match for the #1 contendership for the Cruiserweight title. Rey Mysterio is out first, followed by Jamie Knoble. Nunzio follows, but before Kidman can make it to the ring, Jamie kicks us off by attacking Rey. Kidman ducks a Nunzio clothesline on the ramp and slides in to give Rey an assist. 4-way brawling all around until Rey tries for a leg scissors into a bulldog, but Nunzio reverses that into a faceplanter and What the Hell?! We cut to backstage where…

Eddie Guererro is stalking and he barges into Paul Heymans office, interrupting a pow wow between Heyman and Tajiri (w/ Akio and Sakoda) Eddie stares down Tajiri for an instant, and then, through gritted teeth, informs Paul and the rest of us that he’s going to beat the HELL out of Kurt Angle and ANYONE who was involved. Eddie wants to know WTF, but Paul, while commiserative, doesn’t have to answer to Eddie or anyone. He tells Eddie to beat feet because he was in the middle of negotiating with Tajiri and crew. Once Eddie is gone, Paul acknowledges that Tajiri has been wronged and this is what he’s going to do about it…

We’ll have to find out later, because it’s back to the action where Knoble is working on Rey. Cover gets 2, and Jamie knocks Kidman off the apron. Rey whipped across the ring, where he gets a head scissors on Nunzio and whips him around into the barricade. Jamie follows up with a suicide dive, and Kidman follows THAT up by going up top and getting a cross body on Jamie. Jamie rolled back in and cover gets two. Kidman trying for a powerbomb, BUT YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB Knoble! Kidman hits an Enziguri to put him down, and then goes up for the shooting star press, but Nunzio runs up and they slug it out on the top rope. Kidman finally gets knocked all the way to the floor while Nunzio crotches himself. Rey capitalizes by starting a slugfest with Knoble. They whip each other off the ropes and hit stereo clotheslines. All four competitors are down as we take a break for commercials.

Whoa! The mullets are coming back! I actually found this show to be slightly entertaining (the two episodes of it I actually watched, anyway.

Back from commercials, and Rey gets a head scissors. Jamie gets up quick and sets up for the tiger driver, but Rey twists out and drop toe holds Jamie into position for a 6-1-9. It’s not to happen, as Kidman takes Rey out with a sweet dropkick. Kidman with the cover attempt, but Rey kicks out at 2. Now Kidman is working on Knoble. Knoble into the corner, and Kidman charges right into an elbow. Knoble goes for what looks like a tornado DDT, but turns into a sleeper hold. As Knoble is holding on, Nunzio charges in and hits a top rope dropkick right to Knoble’s mush. Nunzio with the cover, only to get 2 when Rey dropkicks Nunzio’s head. Rey running the ropes and hitting a springboard cross body. Cover gets 2. Kidman joins the fun and tries for a BK bomb, but Rey reverses into a face planter. Cover gets 2. Rey pulled into the corner and Kidman setting Rey up on the top turnbuckle. Kidman going for a super back suplex, but Rey fights him off and hits a moonsault for 2. Knoble picks Rey up and Rey hits the leg scissors bulldog this time. DDT to Kidman for good measure. Cover on Kidman, but Knoble pulls him off. Knoble tossing Rey, and then hitting a side suplex on Nunzio. Cover gets two. Nunzio reverses a whip and Knoble runs right into a back body drop that sends him crashing to the floor! Knoble is now dead! Kidman goes after Nunzio and get caught in a waist lock. Rey interrupts their fun with a dropkick to the back that sends Kidman out of the ring and Nunzio set up for the 6-1-9, which Rey hits!

As Rey sets up for the West coast pop, here comes Paul! Paul has Tajiri and crew in tow, and proceeds to stop the match. You see; Tajiri has apparently brought it to Paul’s attention that there is no Japanese representation in this match. And in order to avoid a racial discrimination lawsuit, Paul has cancelled this match, and at Wrestlemania, Chavo will defend his title against ANY cruiserweight that decides to enter the Cruiserweight open, and whoever wins that grueling test, they will leave Wrestlemania the Cruiserweight champion. Tajiri then decides to sic his goons on Rey, but Rey is too quick for them and hits a suicide dive on Tajiri to take him out. As the goons look after Tajiri, Kidman puts the exclamation point on the segment by taking Akio down from behind.

This leads us into a video package on Eddie’s title win and subsequent betrayal by Kurt Angle. A quick hype on the main event (Kurt/ Big Show vs. Eddie/John Cena) and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty are out for a non-title match against the APA. Oh yeah, I smell the workrate. Cole mentions that Rikishi and Scotty have been tag teaming for 5 years? Really? I was thinking more along the lines of 3, but hey, whatever works.

Scotty and Farooq start, but not before Rikishi taunts by rubbing his ass. Hey, Rikishi is stealing Yuri from King of Fighter’s taunt!

Farooq watches Scotty dance around for a second, and then lays him out. Repeat twice, tag to Bradshaw. Bradshaw with the elbow drops, and a back suplex. Cover gets 2. Scotty chops his way out of Bradshaw’s grasp and bounces off the ropes (blind tag by Rikishi) and runs right into a Last call. Rikishi waits for Bradshaw to turn around, and then unloads with the rights. Bradshaw in the corner and Rikishi with the knife-edges. Bradshaw explodes out with a clothesline. Bradshaw trying for a powerbomb, but come on, Rikishi is Samoan! Not the brightest financial advisor, that Bradshaw. Rikishi back body drops him out, and misses a banzai drop. They brawl for a few more minutes until Rikishi is knocked down next to the ropes. Farooq does a lame job of trying to interfere and gets kicked off the apron. Scotty runs in and like a total dumbass, while attempting a bulldog for the Worm, gets laid out by a big boot. The Bashams appear at this point and do nothing. Rikishi gets leveled by a clothesline from heck and Bradshaw covers and gets a 3-count, despite the fact that Rikishi’s shoulders weren’t anything resembling being pinned.

Commercials.

Back, and after a lovely shot of the outside of the arena in KC, MO, we are sent to footage from Raw where Vince makes Goldberg/Lesnar for Wrestlemania, as well as Stone Cold eating an F-5 to close out Raw.

Backstage, Josh jumps out of a locker and scares the shit out of Brock. After that, He asks why Brock did that to Stone Cold on Monday. Basically, Brock blames Steve for Goldberg being at the Cow Palace at No Way Out. Oh, and Brock messed up WWE. No really, at one point, he said “W…….. WE Champion” Like he forgot how many W’s he had said so far. Oh, and he threatens that if Steve Austin butts his nose into Brocks business, he’ll get more of the same.

Commercials.

Wrestlemania! 17 days! Be there!

Viva La Rasa!! Eddie is out, and he seems to be in much higher spirits than 40 minutes ago. Eddie soaks up a chant for a sec, and then gives us an “Orale!” Eddie is still stoked that he’s got the title. He rambles on about how all his friends in the Barrio congratulating him and asking how long he’s going to hold the title. He says he doesn’t know, but he compares his title reign to his recovery period from Drugs and alcohol: one day at a time. He segues into calling Kurt Angle out. When Kurt doesn’t appear, Eddie says he’s going to take the fight to Kurt. As he’s walking, Paul intercepts him and asks him if he’s going to throw it all away now? Eddie finds Kurt’s locker room door and Paul tells Eddie Kurt isn’t even here. Kurt appears behind some security guards and taunts Eddie. Eddie shoves past Paul, causing Paul to squish Dawn Marie into the wall. Dawn goes down, and Eddie is shocked by his own actions. Paul has security escort Eddie from the building and we head to commercials.

Moments ago, Eddie had some anger management issues and Dawn suffered for it.

Out to the ring, and The Ass Man, Billy Gunn is out to take on Brock Lesnar. Mmm, I love squash, why do you ask?

They lock up and roll around the ropes for a bit as the crowd alternates between “Goldberg” and “you tapped out!” chants. Brock shouldering Billy into the corner. Cross corner whip and Billy dodges a charging Lesnar, who eats post. Billy starts working on the left shoulder and arm of Brock. Whoa! Billy Gunn using psychology! Brock overpowers Billy in the corner, Billy answers with a cross arm breaker. Brock tossing Billy out, Billy slingshotting Brock into the post. Back in the ring, and the brawling continues. Brock locks in the grapevine. Billy fights his way back up and elbowing his way out. Billy swings with a haymaker and Brock gets a German. Brock grabs a gutwrench and Billy fights his way back up and runs Brock into the turnbuckle. Billy with a flurry of offense, capping it with the One and Only. Cover gets two. Brock fights his way back up, grabs Billy onto his shoulders, F-5, and that‘s all she wrote.

Tazz and Cole wonder who Cena’s partner is going to be as we go to commercials.

You know, Vince, you keep abusing your employees like that, they’re going to defect to another wrestling company!

After a quick review of the inter-brand matchups set for Wrestlemania, Sable and Torrie come out in evening gowns. Ok, weren’t these two at each other throats less than 3 months ago? Oh, sorry, that’s continuity, my bad. They talk for a few minutes about their match, and run down Jackie and Stacy and predict Victory. This brings down John Cena for hijinks.

John gives a quick bit of respect to Owen (they are in the Kemper Arena, you know), and raps for about 20 seconds about how Torrie and Sable are redefining the term Beef Jerky when Rey pops up and it would appear that he’s John Cena’s tag team partner. But before that, we go to commercials.

Holy shit! Dawn of the Dead looks freaky as hell! Can’t wait for this one!

Back, and Rey and John are waiting in the ring (with Earlier tonight footage.) Big Show and Chavo Jr. make their way to the ring. Chavo and Rey start. Chavo wrestles Rey down into a front face lock. A little flippy floppy action and Rey reverses a powerbomb into a head scissors. Chavo gets away and tags Big Show in, who promptly tosses Rey around. And Rey flies around some more, not of his own accord. Big Show tags Chavo back in and he goes nuts on Rey. Rey tries for a tag, but Chavo drags him back and tags Big Show in, who promptly kicks Rey into orbit. Big Show beating down on Rey some more, and then tagging Chavo back in. Rey turns the tide with a leg scissors into a bulldog. Rey makes the slow crawl to the corner and tags in Cena. Cena with a couple quick clotheslines on Chavo, then a 5-knuckle shuffle. Big Show grabs him in a goozle, but Cena gets an eye rake and arm bars Show across the top rope. Going for the FU, but Chavo Sr. is on the apron to distract the ref as Big Show big boots Cena down. Big Show drags Chavo across the ring right in front of the ref (I dunno, but doesn’t that rate a DQ?), makes a show of grabbing the tag rope, and tags himself in. Before we can see anything, we go to commercial.

Back, and Big Show is working on Cena’s injured knee. Cena tries to walk it off, but walks right into a big boot. Cover, but Rey dropkicks Show’s face to interrupt. Big Show gets a big slap to knock Cena down again, and tags Chavo in. Chavo wrestles Cena down, working on the knee some more. Tag back to Big Show, who woks the knee some more. Cena thrown into the corner, and Show with the slaps. Show shows minor annoyance at a “Cena!” chant. Cross corner whip, but Cena dodges a charge and jumps up and locks in a sleeper. Show shrugs him off, but Cena gets a kick in and tags Rey in. dropkick to the knee, another, another, and another! Spinning heel kick, another, another! Big Show going for a big boot, but Rey slides under and hits a west coast pop! Cover only gets 2, tho. Rey gets grabbed, Cena runs in to interrupt, Chavo joins the fun and it’s time for everyone to GET ROWDY! As Cena and Big Show brawl outside, Rey takes Chavo down and gets the pin! Chavo Sr. interrupts the post match celebrating and is in the middle of a beat down on Rey when John jumps back in and gives Sr. an FU for his troubles. Big Show steps back in, tho, and lays Cena out with a clothesline and Rey eats a chokeslam.

We get Kurt Angle’s visage again, and Kurt reveals his master plan, NEXT!

Back, and Kurt is out to the ring. People have been asking, “Why Kurt? Why?” Well, you see, He attacked Eddie because it was the right thing to do. He didn’t do it for himself; he did it for us, the fans, no, for America. You see, Kurt doesn’t feel that a former drug addict who tells children that it’s cool to lie, cheat, and steal makes for a suitable champion. America was built on morals and character, and we need to get back to our fundamentals. People have choices to make, and they need to be made on a clear conscience. Angle doesn’t think Eddie has a clear conscience. He says that it’s only a matter of time before Eddie falls off the wagon again, and Kurt can’t live with that. He made a deal with the devil (apparently the Devil has three heads: Paul Heyman, Chavo Jr. and Chavo Sr.) and is going to do his letter best to make things right. He will strive to give us a champion that we can be proud of.

Kurt looks to leave the ring with his head held high, but what’s this, Eddie has found his way back into the arena and wishes to take his grievances right to the source. After a couple clotheslines, Kurt bails and Eddie looks to make chase, but Paul is there with the Security. Paul orders Eddie arrested, and Eddie submits to the handcuffs. As Eddie is led to the waiting police car, Kurt taunts him mercilessly, calling him a disgrace, and that he’ll be proud to take the title from him at Wrestlemania. We fade out with Kurt once again giving us psychotic righteousness.

Well, well, well, Kurt as the narrow-minded ultra conservative. I think it’ll work. Think his Three I’s, only with a much darker turn. Everything else was perfectly acceptable. Great cruiser action to start, great main event, and good storytelling in between. The only real low point was the tag match, but hey, what can you do with a match where the person with the best workrate is Scotty 2 Hotty? Hopefully Eddie will channel his fury into some good harassment segments between now and Wrestlemania, and give us a couple good tag matches between now and then. Thumbs up for this show, and looking forward to Wrestlemania.

See ya Next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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