by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

WWE Leader, and they STILL have the Tough Enough Logo in there!

We fade in on breasts. I mean Paul Heyman is here (with Dawn Marie sitting next to him) to apologize about the actions of Eddie Guererro last week. Kurt won’t be here tonight, But Paul will be giving the both of them a chance to tell their sides of the story, and Paul will also be insisting that Eddie give a public apology.

Opening, and No pyro, but What the Fug? Glass Shatters and… Ohhhh, it’s that wacky Brock Lesnar. Turns out that Monday, it was HE who stole Stone Cold’s 4-wheeler. Brock rides it around a bit, and grabs a mic. Before he beats the hell out of Hardcore Holly tonight (Again?), he’s got a few things to say to Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, the 4-Wheeler now belongs to Brock, as Brock has the guts to go onto other shows and get things done (Like steal 4-wheelers and F-5 Sheriffs of other shows.) He says that Goldberg is next, and declares that He’s going to make Bill feel the pain Brock is feeling since he doesn’t have the title. He was going to ramble on a bit more, but here comes Hardcore Holly who is just charging up for some action! Holly ducks a clothesline and proceeds to brawl Lesnar from Pillar to post. Lesnar gets a leg sweep, tho and locks in a body vice. Holly elbows his way out, but Lesnar hangmans Holly on the top rope. Holly clotheslined out, and Lesnar goes out after. Holly reverses a whip into the post and gets Brock back into the ring for a 2-count. Right hands, back suplex, cover gets 2. Brock gets an F-5 out of nowhere and gets the pin. Ok, Holly dominates an entire match, but all it takes is an F-5 to take him out. Sounds reasonable to me. Afterwards, Brock calls for a couple beers, downs them Stone Cold style, and rides back up the ramp on Stone Cold’s 4-wheeler.

Later tonight, Eddie apologizes, (yeah right) but first, commercials.

Starsky and Hutch. I’ve asked it before and I’ll ask it again: why?

Back, and Danny Basham (W/ Doug) came out during the commercial to take on Scotty 2 Hotty (W/ Rikishi). On his way down to the ring, Scotty does his letter best to high five EVERYONE in the audience.

Circle, Lockup, Scotty gets a side headlock, Danny tries to duck a run, but Scotty falls into a headlock and they wrestle around for a bit. Greco Roman Eyepoke turns the tide for Danny, who rams Scotty into the ringpost. Danny working the shoulder, slapping on an arm bar. Scotty is pumped back up by the crowd, he elbows his way out and Danny eats a couple rights. Danny then gets a face full on canvas and Scotty sets up for a worm, but while Scotty is hopping around (and the Ref is distracted by Rikishi, apparently), Doug trades spots with Danny and when Scotty is ready to deliver the final blow, Doug kips up and gets a quick rollup to get the pin. Scotty is shocked. The Bashams celebrate up the ramp.

Up Next, Kurt Angle tells his side of the story.

We get a quick shot of the outside of the Savannah Civic Center, and while Kurt is getting mic’d up, we flash back to 2 weeks ago when Kurt turned on Eddie. Last week, Eddie got held down by the man, and Kurt cemented himself right back into the monster heel status.

Back live, and Cole wants to know why Eddie isn’t in Savannah. Kurt points out that not a week goes by where it doesn’t seem like another athlete is getting in trouble, and that’s what he’s afraid of with Eddie. He feels that it’s only a matter of time before Eddie tarnishes the titles reputation by bringing it down with him. He also had his feelings hurt by the boo’s he received last week and he doesn’t feel that he could handle them this week. He reiterates that he’s going to be proud to take the title from Eddie and restore it to its former glory.

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Back, and Funaki got his entrance during the commercial. He’ll be taking on Chavo Jr. (W/ Sr.) Chavo thrusts his title at referee Charles Robinson, and while Funaki is distracted, Chavo sneak attacks and starts brawling Funaki down. Funaki comes back with right hands and Chavo bails. Funaki chases after and throws him back in. Sr. tries to interfere but gets chased back by Funaki. While they brawl in the ring, Sr. gets on the third headset and rants about how unfair it is that Chavo is going to have to effectively defend his title 9 times at Wrestlemania. Back up to the ring, and Funaki gets a flying cross body, but Sr. distracts the ref while Funaki tries to cover. Funaki goes after Sr. but this leaves him open for a wicked neckbreaker by Chavo and Chavo gets the cover for 3.

Backstage, Dawn Marie is scared to go to the ring, but Paul reassures her that if Eddie does anything except issue his apology, then he’s finished.

On Raw: The Rock will be giving us a special “This is your life!” segment for Mick Foley.

Back, and Paul starts his spiel, but stops himself to allow Dawn to go back to the back. Paul then demands Eddie come out and issue his apology. Eddie comes out, and he’s all, ‘Hey, hang loose, cuz!” Eddie in the ring and Paul is not amused by Eddie’s antics. He tells Eddie to wipe the smile off his face, because he’s not out here to smile, he’s here to apologize. Eddie is going to apologize for being the only WWE world champion with a history of drug addiction.

Excuse me, but that one rates a big BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *Whew!*

Eddie will apologize for his actions last week, and He will apologize for his generally crude and rude behavior. Eddie somberly takes the mic and says, ‘I apologize.” This takes Paul completely off guard, and he’s in the middle of accepting the apology when Eddie stops him and lets him know that HE LIED! You see, Eddie isn’t ashamed of any of his actions, and he’s proud to give his kids a champion for a father, he’s proud to hold the title, and he’s proud that he’ll be wearing it into Wrestlemania. And you know what? Eddie is going to be proud to walk OUT of Wrestlemania with the title. Paul lets him finish, and then lays into him verbally, saying that he has nothing but contempt for Eddie as a human being, and if the board of directors didn’t have his hands tied, then he’d love to beat some sense into Eddie. Eddie scoffs at this and says that Paul couldn’t beat Eddie with both hands tied behind his back. Paul wants to know if Eddie is serious about that, Eddie says yeah, and Paul Polls the crowd, the result being a match is made: Paul Heyman vs. Eddie, and Eddie’s hand won’t be tied, no, they’ll be handcuffed behind his back. Eddie shows little concern for this as we go to commercials.

Back, and Rey Mysterio, Ultimo Dragon, and Billy Kidman are out for 6-man tag action vs. Tajiri, Akio, and Sakoda. Dragon and Akio start. Dragon grabs a waistlock into a wristlock. They trade shoulderblocks, Akio gets the slight advantage with some punches and kicks, but Dragon comes back with a kick to the chest. Kidman tagged in, Guillotine legdrop, cover gets two. Akio gets away with a chin buster, tag to Tajiri, and Kidman takes over with some kicks and a leg scissors. Akio knocked off the apron, but Tajiri turns it around with a kick to the back. More kicks, Cover, but Rey saves. Tag to Sakoda, and after a few kicks, he goes into a body vice. Kidman tried to hulk up but gets whipped into the corner. Sakoda covers, only gets 2. Tag to Akio, and he keeps Kidman down with kicks to the back. Kidman reverses a whip but runs into an Akio boot. As Akio charges out, Kidman hits a dropkick and both men are down. Tag to Rey, and he ducks under an Akio clothesline to take out Tajiri on the apron. Rey off the ropes and he reverses a tilt-a-whirl into a leg scissors to a body crawl back into a leg scissors to send Akio flying. Leg Scissors into the bulldog on Tajiri and Rey covers, but Sakoda saves. This brings Dragon in to deliver his 3-kick set to send Sakoda out, and then it’s up to the top turnbuckle for a flying cross body to the floor on Sakoda. Rey gets a jumping Head Scissors on Akio to set him up for 6-1-9, but Tajiri grabs Rey’s ankle to interrupt the follow-up. As Tajiri gloats, tho, Kidman with the baseball slide to take Tajiri out, following up with a slingshot bodypress of his own. Akio grabs Rey to toss him out the other side of the ring, but Rey grabs on and 6-1-9’s Akio as he stands there. Rey reverses another tilt-a-whirl into a DDT and the cover gets the win for Rey, Billy, and Dragon. Rey poses on the turnbuckle, and we head out to commercial.

Back from commercials and Dawn is showing Concern over Paul taking on Eddie. Paul says that he’s man enough to take on Eddie in Handcuffs.

Out to the ring, and The Worlds Greatest Tag Team is out, but something is amiss about them. Oh yeah, they’re dressed up as the APA, and in full on parody mode. Your requisite southern jokes abound (Shelton does most of the talking, Charlie says, “Damn!” a lot.) Charlie grabs a guitar and they start singing the Theme to the West Texas Rednecks! They Substitute “APA is Crap” for “Rap is Crap” and this brings the real APA down. They clean house until the Bashams hit the ring and the heels get the upper hand until Rikishi and Scotty make their way down. Charlie and Shelton bail, as do the Bashams and the heels gloat on the ramp.

Backstage, Big Show pumps A-Train up as we go to commercial.

This weeks Wrestlemania Recall is the Rock beating Hogan at X-8.

Back, and John Cena is out to take on A-Train. John panders to the crowd (“Is Savannah, Ga ready to represent?” “Damn Straight!”) He raps about how bad a singers that TWGTT are, then moves on to how he’s going to win the title, but no “Rhyme along with John” word of the night.

A-Train is out, and he shoves Cena off a couple times and levels him with a big shoulder tackle. Lockup, and Cena unloads with a big haymaker. This just pisses A-train off and he lays John out, sending him out of the ring. John up on the ringpost, A-Train charges, John moves, A-Train eats post. Both men back in and Cena works on the shoulder. A-Train comes back and works Cena’s knee. A-Train looking like he’s trying to go for a figure four, but Cena kicks him off and A-Train rams into the post. As both men are down, we go to commercial.

Back, and A-Train is being chastised by the Ref. This give John a few seconds to recover and they trade blows, which A-Train gets the better of. Cena down and A-Train working the knee some more. Cena kicks with his other leg, and makes his way back up, but A-Train pick him up and rams him into the turnbuckle. A-Train charges in and Cena dodges. Cena kicking at A-Trains leg, and knocking A-Train down. Cena pumps up the Nikes, 5-knuckle shuffle, FU, and that’s it for A-Train. Cena gets his arms raised, but Big Show is out. Big Show compliments him on his performance tonight. He also says he envies John. Not for his accomplishments or his looks or his raps, but for the fact that John is a dreamer. But for as much as John is a dreamer, Big Show is a do’er. You see, while John Cena was dreaming, Big Show has beaten The Rock at Madison Square Garden. Big show has beaten Brock Lesnar for the WWE title at Madison Square Garden. Big Show has retired Hulk Hogan at Madison Square Garden (well, Hogan kinda retired himself, if you want to get totally technical, but seeing as how Big Show was his last opponent, we’ll go ahead and give him the asterisk there.) and at Wrestlemania XX, Where it all Begins Again ™, Big Show is simply going to end John Cena.

We do a quick rundown on Wrestlemania, and backstage, Paul Heyman is in his wrasslin gear with the Ref. Paul reminds the ref that he works for Paul, and he is ensure that the handcuffs are on tightly. The Ref asks for the key, Paul states that he’s going to keep the key, because Eddie won’t be able to lie, cheat, or steal his way out of this one. He tells us that he’s going to do what his father should have done, and we are off to commercial.

Back, and we go over the inductees to the WWE Hall of Fame.

Paul Heyman is out to the ring, and Eddie comes out in a Godfather’s Customs low rider. Eddie looks to go after Paul right off, but Paul begs off until the ref has the cuffs securely fastened. Paul then decides to get in Eddies face. He shouts, ‘I hate your guts!” a few times and unloads with a right. Eddie shrugs it off and tells Paul to do it again. Paul swings and Eddie answers with a knee to the midsection. Eddie shoulders Paul into the corner and unloads with some kicks and keeps going until Paul bails. Eddie goes to chase, but Paul jumps him with a face rake. Eddie didn’t like that and begins kicking him again and Paul escapes up the ramp. At the top of the ramp, Eddie stops and a look of horror crosses his face as, SURPRISE! Angle really is here. Eddie calls for the key as Angle starts taping his right hand up. Eddie retreats to the ring and holds Angle off for a bit, but Kurt gets a leg takedown from the outside and jumps in. Eddie gets a few token kicks in, but Angle soon enough takes him down and begins laying waste to Eddie. Angle out to pick up the title and he drags Eddie to his feet. He talks trash to Eddie for a few seconds and Eddie spits in his face for his trouble. Angle lays Eddie out with the title, and we fade out with Kurt standing over Eddie.

All right, another good showing. Not the best wrestling out there, but some really good promo materiel. TWGTT making fun of the APA was nice lighthearted fodder, and The Big Show showed us that he can do more than just make us laugh when he opens his mouth. The main event was throwaway fluffery until Angle showed up. Kurt had the, ‘This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you” expression down pat. Oh, and thank you for keeping Sable and Torrie off my screen. I’m a fan of hot chicks as much as the next guy, but seeing as how we know exactly what they’ll be doing at Wrestlemania, let’s not do anymore shilling for their playboy spread until then, ok?

See ya next week! 

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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