by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ok, enough gushing, on with the wrasslin!

5-minutes out bumper: “THIS is the Kurt Angle Great American Award! Who will win both it and the opportunity to be the #1 contender, NEXT! Man, they showed that thing 5 TIMES in the 15 minutes leading up to tonight’s show.

WWE Opener, and We go over the whole Great American deal from last week, complete with merry tinkling sound when Kurt unveils the trophy. Oh, and Eddie stomped on Bradshaw’s hat.

Opening, and we are LIVE (taped) from San Antonio, TX. Apparently, the way the Great American award is going to be decided is in a tag match, as Booker T and RVD are teaming up against Big Show and Charlie Haas. Wait, Where’s Cena?

Oh well, can’t worry about that now, as John “Bradshaw” Layfield is riding his Limo into the arena. Cole brags about his own car (pristine 1977 Pinto!) JBL is in the ring to a pretty lackluster response. He attributes the indifference to the ignorance of the San Antonio crowd. He promises that he’ll win the award tonight, bitches about Eddie stealing his $1000 hat last week, calls the fans ignorant, brags about his digs in NYC, and generally bores us to fucking death. He finally gets to the meat of his promo by offering the $1000 in his front pocket to anyone who can wax the hood of his car in 60 seconds. No you perverts, he really means wax the hood of his Limousine. He picks out a young Latino boy in a Latino Heat shirt. The boy identifies himself as Enrique (JBL tells him to call himself Ricky). They head over to the Limo, and Ricky starts, but Bradshaw screws him up by spilling more wax on the hood. He gives an “inspirational” story about how he broke his ankle when he was in college and still made the All-American team, then runs Ricky down (who totally ruins the effect my not losing his smile the entire time.)  He sends Ricky on his way, and then finally closes out this boring, boring segment.

Tazz and Cole list the nominees for the Great American Award (Haas, Bradshaw, Cena, Booker T, and Big Show, and up next, The Dudley Boyz take on Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty.

Back, and we’re Droppin tha Bombshell wit Tha Dudley Boyz! They are out for a non-title match up against Scotty and Rikishi.

D-Von and Rikishi start. Lockup, D-Von forced into the corner, and they break clean. A little trash talking, and the fists start flying. D-Von leapfrogs Rikishi, but he gets clocked in the face for his trouble. Tag to Scotty, who, as usual, gets beat down. Tag to Bubba, who beats on Scotty some more. Scotty hits an Enziguri, and the long slow crawl is on. Tag to Rikishi, and he, as usual, cleans house. Squash on Bubba, Belly-To-Belly on Bubba, Cover is broken up by D-Von. Dudley’s try for some double-teaming, but eat a double clothesline from Rikishi after a blind tag by Scotty. Scotty hits a clothesline, that doesn’t work. Scotty with the Bulldog, and he gets THISCLOSE to actually hitting the worm before D-Von interrupts. 3-D and pin is perfunctory.

Backstage in Kurt Angles office, Charlie Haas is first praising himself, and then at the mention of Shelton winning against HHH, he is suddenly filled with self-doubt. Kurt calms him down by telling him that if he brings it to RVD in the tag match like Kurt knows he can, then he’s a shoo in for the award. Big Show shows up behind Charlie and tells him to calm down or he’ll eat him. Oh wait, no, he’s just telling him that the only person Charlie needs to worry about in the match tonight is his Tag Team Partner, the Big Show. They walk off and Kurt wears a smirk of ultimate satisfaction.

Video package featuring Rico and Miss Jackie. Apparently next week, they are having a Runway Arrival (whatever that is.)

Back, and Chavo Guererro Jr. (W/ Sr.) is out to the ring to defend the Cruiserweight Championship against Jamie Knoble (Who, apparently in the absence of Nidia, is babyface again.) Oh, and he's eschewed the cutoff jeans and shitkickers for standard full leg wrestling tights.

Lockup, and they chain wrestle around until Chavo gets a snapmare to break it up. Lock up, Jamie forced to the corner, and they break. Chavo with the boot to the gut, and he tries to brawl Jamie down, but that’s Jamie’s territory and he gets the better of Chavo, causing him to bail. Jamie hits a plancha onto Chavo, but Chavo recovers and distracts the ref as Jamie eats barricade, thanks to Sr. Back in, and Chavo getting the Gory Special locked in, but Jamie kicks out and hit a neckbreaker. Jamie with the second rope legdrop, but the cover only gets 2. Chavo reverses a Tiger Driver, but gets rolled up anyway for 2. Both men back up and they brawl for a few more second until Chavo rolls Jamie up and with the assistance of the ropes, gets the pin.

Backstage, and Teddy Long runs into the B-Team (Orlando Jordan, Shannon Moore, and Spike Dudley.) He says he’s looking for someone to manage to superstardom. He’s looking for someone with the perfect body (BAM! Card for Orlando.) He’s looking for a face he can put on the cover of the magazines (BAM! Card for Shannon.) But what he’s REALLY looking for is the complete opposite of what Spike Dudley is. Spike has finally had enough of Teddy’s BS and decides to challenge him to a match in the ring. Teddy tries to beg off, but Spike goads him by calling him yellow (Wow, is that actually still an insult?) Teddy reluctantly agrees and promises some Thuggin and Buggin!

Elsewhere, Booker is still pissy about being on Smackdown. Rob Van Dam joins him and asks what’s up? Booker says he’s tired of being disrespected by the fans and the management and that RVD should be the same way, seeing as how he was totally disrespected last week in the Great American match. RVD says whatever and says that even though Booker isn’t having fun at Smackdown, he’ll have his back here like he did on Raw. Booker just scoffs and says that if RVD wants to team up and win the Tag Titles over here in the minor leagues, then that's fine with him. They shuffle out of the locker room as we go to commercial.

Commercials.

Back, and John Cena is out for some rapping. He tells the rest of the contestants that they can choke on Deez, holds up a bag of peanuts, and starts his match with Danny Basham (W/ Doug, purple velvet tights, and no entrance.) Standard affair, with the Bashams doing the switcheroo, but still losing to the Throwback, 5-Knuckle Shuffle, and FU in quick succession. Backstage, Kurt Angle (Who has been taking notes) nods approvingly at the display.

Commercials.

Back, and Booker T and RVD are out (complete with combined intro.) Charlie Haas and Big Show come out separately. RVD and Charlie start. Charlie chain wrestles RVD to start, but they fight over a top wristlock and RVD wins a slugfest with a shoulderblock. They brawl each other around for a bit, with Charlie getting the better of RVD. RVD gets away, but when he goes for the tag, Booker has taken a quick powder and Charlie grabs him again. Tag to Big Show, who gorilla press’ him, and then steps on him for good measure. Tag back to Charlie, who hammers away at him on the ropes. RVD gets a quick kick and crawls over for the Tag… But Booker refuses to tag. As Booker walks up the ramp, giving RVD the, “I’m not playing like that” line, and RVD falls prey to Charlie going to town on him again. RVD gets a heel kick and actually starts to come back. RVD kicks Big Show off the apron and hits the 5-Star Frogsplash. Cover is interrupted by Big Show, who chokeslams the remaining fight out of RVD. Charlie hooks a leg, and the count gets to 3. Big Show and Charlie celebrate while RVD plays dead on the mat.

Commercials.

Moments ago, Booker T turned his back on RVD. Apparently, this was a shock to Tazz and Cole. The rest of the planet just shrugs.

In Angles office, RVD is breathing heavy. Kurt begs ignorance art Bookers actions. RVD still glares and Kurt tells him that they have a match next week and to beat it.

Out to the ring, and Rene DuPree (W/ Fifi) is out to take on Orlando Jordan.

Renee attacks quick, kicking and punching Orlando with fury. Orlando gets tossed, Renee goes out and tosses him back in. As Renee tries more offense, Orlando gets a quick rollup that Renee kicks out of promptly. Renee hits a spinebuster, does the gay, gay dance of French Manliness, and hits the Snow Plow to finish it up.

Backstage, we see a shadow boxing. The camera pans back to see that the shadow belongs to a shirtless Teddy Long. As I claw my eyes out, we are informed that He and Spike Dudley are up NEXT!

Commercials.

Backstage, a Tech Guy knocks on Kurt’s door. Kurt tells him to go get Eddie Guererro.

Back out to the ring, and Tazz and Cole show us the final vote counts for the Great American Award poll on WWE.com, and John Cena won by something like 200,000 votes.

After the Raw Rewind, Kurt fawns over the Great American Award trophy when Eddie walks in and gives us over-enthusiasm at the trophy. Kurt catches his attention and says that he knows that Eddie loves to defend the title and that the fans just LOVE Latino Heat. But tonight, Eddie isn’t going to get his chance to pop the crowd, because the awarding of the Trophy takes precedence. Kurt then informs Eddie that he’s got the night off, tells him to get out of his office, the Arena, and the City, and then dismissively waves him off. Eddie pouts for a second, and then takes off.

Elsewhere, and Spike Dudley is WALKING! He and Teddy long go at it NEXT! No really, they do!

And we’re back from commercials for act 3 of train wreck theatre. Theodore Long is out, and he’s got a head protector, and pads on. Spike Dudley is out, and looking like he’s filing the 127 different ways he’s going to kick Teddy’s ass in his head. Teddy stops him as he gets in the ring, tho, and informs Spike that he should have a warm up match. This brings out Johnny the Bull. Spike tries to attack to start, but Johnny quickly gets the better of him, brawling him down and getting a huge body drop. Johnny works Spike over until Spike tries a victory roll. Johnny misses a punch, then charges Spike in the corner. Spike dodges and Johnny eats ringpost. One Dudley Dawg later, and Spike is standing victorious and ready for Teddy. Teddy stalls while putting on the boxing gloves for just long enough for Mark Jindrak to attack from behind and get the beatdown. Teddy jumps into Marks arms and it looks like Teddy has found his poster boy.

Commercials.

Moments ago, Mark Jindrak lit up Teddy Long’s life.

Right now, Kurt Angle is out for the awarding of the Great American Award (which is in the red-carpeted ring under the black cloth. Kurt has the Mic.

Last week, Kurt went in search of a Great American. Tonight, he will award that man. He introduces the nominees: John Cena is first and has a bag o’ nuts for Kurt. Charlie Haas is next, and he has a handshake of respect for Kurt. Booker T is out, and he also has a handshake. Big Show is next, and he simply steps over the top rope and glares at everyone in the ring. And last but not… ok, last and least (IMHO) is Bradshaw, making his grand entrance in his limo. Is it just me, or when his entrance music hits, is anyone else expecting A-Train to come out at first? While you ponder this, we’ve got some tasty commercials for you to check out.

Back, and Kurt shows us the votes from the poll again. He is impressed by the fans resolve to have their voice heard and is about to announce the winner when Bradshaw interrupts him. He tells Kurt that he promised the fans that he’s going to show us that he’s a true American hero, and if the guys in the production truck could roll the footage that he shot last night, then all would be good.

We open on a wooded area and the camera pans over to Bradshaw doing his best Texas Ranger impression. He says he is at a poorly patrolled section of the Texas/Mexico border to prove a point. He rants about how Mexicans are coming to America and taxing our welfare system and sending our American money back to Mexico and causing honest, hardworking Americans like Bradshaw to be taxed unfairly. A rustle in the brush piques his attention and he goes into ninja cowboy mode as he ‘surprises’ a group of immigrating Mexicans and shooshes them back to Mexico (You mean the bright lights from the camera weren’t a dead giveaway?) He tells the fleeing Mexicans that they should go back and tell all their buddies that John “Bradshaw” Layfield will be waiting for them, and then turns back to the camera and lets us know that THAT is why he’s a great American.

Back in the ring, and Kurt doesn’t skip a beat before announcing (while standing in front of Cena) that the winner of the Great American Award is John… “Bradshaw” Layfield! The other 4 nominees give frustration and anger for a few seconds before getting shuffled from the ring. Bradshaw is all happy as Kurt goes to unveil the trophy. But as the sheet is lifted, the trophy has been replaced with a mockup made of colored straws and an 8 X 10 photo of Eddie Guererro in the middle. Kurt and Bradshaw go berserk and DEMAND that Eddie get out to the ring. Eddie promptly obliges and rolls out in his low rider that has a strangely familiar hood ornament. Eddie pops out of the car jauntily, grabs the trophy, and makes his way to the ring, pausing to give the limo driver a quick heart attack by faking like he’s going to smash the trophy on the bull horns. Eddie steps in the ring and gushes about finding the trophy in the parking lot and all he wanted to do was return it. He goes on about how cool the trophy is and ‘accidentally’ breaks a wing off. Kurt and Bradshaw are so beside themselves that they don’t notice that Eddie has picked the trophy up and nailing Bradshaw in the gut with it. Eddie chases the two of them out of the ring, grabs a steel chair, and proceeds to smash the trophy to bits. Kurt and Bradshaw go the required amount of nuts as we fade out.

I know Ted DiBiase. Ted DiBiase is a friend of mine. Bradshaw is NO Ted DiBiase!

Well, as Raw continues to be entertaining and give us exciting storylines (or at least, storylines that we can sit through without wishing death on the writers,) Smackdown has given new meaning to the term ‘marking time.’ Booker T’s turning on RVD had absolutely no ‘oomfh’ to it, Bradshaw is boring, and Charlie Haas showed us that he was definitely the weaker part of the Worlds Greatest Tag Team, at least when it came to promo’s. I’m sure that there’s a joke in here someplace about the show having as it’s second biggest focal point a fight between a non-wrestling manager and the WWE’s new Jobber to the Stars, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it. Nothing on this show stood out as particularly exciting and nothing clicked on any level. I got an E-mail from one of my 14 readers last week that Smackdown is starting to resemble Thunder in the waning days of WCW, and with reluctance, I’d have to agree. They are pushing the wrong people, and giving emphasis to the wrong storylines. Smackdown is heading downward, and hopefully, they can pull themselves out, preferably sooner, rather than later.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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