by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I’m a playoffs fan.

All season long, I’ve been telling myself that I’ll watch more, but I never did. But now that the Bruins are kicking ass in the NHL playoffs, I can’t look away. I’ve become rabid for the Bruins and take this time to say that I’m pulling for them to go all the way.

And in other sports news: my beloved Cubs started the season out pretty rocky (to include a one-day stay all by themselves in the Central cellar,) but they just won two in a row, and are again looking like the NL champion contenders I know they are. Go Cubs! Oh, and I’m also minorly pulling for the Red Sox as well. Eat it, Steinbrenner!

Oh, and if you haven’t filed your taxes by the time you read this: you poor bastard!

Ok, that should be enough flame bait: on with the wrasslin!

5-minutes out: Last week on Smackdown! Booker T betrayed RVD and fed him to the dogs. This week, will RVD get his revenge? Find out NEXT!

WWE leader (still with Tough Enough!) and we go back to last week when Kurt Angle completely blew off the fans decision and awarded the trophy to John “Bradshaw” Layfield because he ran a few Mexicans off. Eddie, of course, spoiled the proceedings and in a SHOCKING SWERVE™ destroyed the trophy.

Opening, Pyro, and we are LIVE (taped) from the home of the Pacers, and after a quick tale of the tape between Booker T and RVD (best lines: Booker T – “5-Time WCW Champion.” RVD – “Mr. Thursday Night!”), Eddie Guererro is out in his low rider. After a bit of meeting and greeting with the fans, he grabs a mic. He gives Indianapolis a quick “Orale!” he tells us that he’s gotten 27 phone calls from GM Kurt telling him to apologize for his heinous actions last week. You see, Eddie has no problems with apologizing; his problem lies with John “Bradshaw” Layfield. Eddie feels that a good American doesn’t rub the fact that he’s rich in people’s faces. He notes that Bradshaw has been boasting about him being from NYC, and Eddie doesn’t see a Great American. He sees a Great American Sellout! Eddie goes on about what a bad person Bradshaw is, and is promptly interrupted by a paid promo from J”B”L basically saying Eddie Lies, Cheats, Steals, and is a bad example for Smackdown, and that we should support J”B”L. Eddie starts talking again (after getting accidentally voiced over by Tazz, “Let’s fire it up again, Cole”) about how he’s had to deal with this kind of BS for years. It was 17 years before Eddie got his first title shot, But hey, if Kurt wants to give J”B”L a shot right off, then that’s fine with him, lets do this tonight, then!

This brings GM Kurt Angle out, and Kurt doesn’t appreciate Eddie’s shenanigans, and generally doesn’t like Eddie. Kurt has no sooner than made the match when he gets interrupted by A-Train… I mean Bradshaw in the Limo (Those bells at the beginning throw me every time.) J”B”L would like nothing more than to stomp a new one into Eddie tonight, but He’s been on the campaign trail, Shaking hands, kissing babies (he insinuates that he kissed a few of those babies mom’s as well), and he’s tired. He offers an alternative, tho. He whispers it to Kurt, and Kurt likes what he hears. Kurt says that because of Bradshaw’s sheer exhaustion, he’s holding off the title match for Judgement Day. But, since Eddie is so hot to fight tonight, Kurt says he’ll give him what he wants: tonight, in that very ring, Eddie will take on the Big Show. Eddie gives us his best, “Well, it figures!” expression, and Kurt and J”B”L pat themselves on the back for their ingenuity.

Up Next, it’s Champion vs. Champion as John Cena takes on Chavo Guererro. Last I heard; Cena was about 15 pounds too heavy for the Cruiserweight title, but ok.

6 episodes left until the end of the mission. Wow, giving up on Enterprise after only 3 seasons? It’s enough for syndication, I guess.

Back, and Big Show is in Kurt’s office wondering if his match tonight is for the title. Kurt waffles, but ultimately says no. Big Show calls bullshit, says that neither of them can beat Eddie, so they are going to him to get their dirty work done. Big Show then tells us that if he can’t beat Eddie tonight, He’ll quit. As he takes his exit, J”B”L and Kurt share a conspiratorial giggle.

Out to the ring, and John Cena Has a few Yo, Yo, YO!!’s for us and does his usual shameless pandering to the crowd. After making the obligatory Reggie Miller reference, Chavo Guererro Jr. (W/ Sr.)’s music hits, and it’s on.

They circle and crowd chants for Cena. Lockup, and Cena forced to the corner, they trade bitch slaps, and Cena powers Chavo into the ropes. Chavo chain wrestles Cena, Cena chains back and hits a hiptoss. Cena with the headlock and powering Chavo around the ring. Chavo comes back with a kick to the gut, and tosses Cena. As Jr. distracts the ref, Sr. lays Cena out with a boot to the head (Yaa Yaa!) Cena rolled back in and Chavo with the camel clutch. Cena rushes to the ropes, getting Chavo off him. Cena gets a hope spot, but Chavo starts pounding him down again. Chavo with the arm drag and cover only gets 2. Cena in the corner and Chavo working the mid section. Boots and punches to the body are answered with a boot to the face when Chavo decides to charge in. Cena turns the tables, applying some pounding of his own. Throwback, 5-knuckle shuffle, Pumping himself up, Sr. tries to interfere but eats some ringpost for his troubles, FU for Chavo, and that’s it. Much better then Cena’s recent efforts.

Tazz and Cole shoot us to a recap package of the hostilities between Booker and RVD.

Commercials.

Back, and Rene Dupree is giving us his best “The Continental” impression. He mentions that he loves the way her eyes look tonight, her new hairstyle, her new color, and the camera pans back to reveal Fifi on the other side of the table. In the background, Some Guy is having way too much fun playing the accordion. He goes on about how Americans are all so covetous of all things French. Well, next week, Rene is going to unveil the newest French craze, and his model is going to be Torrie. He tells Fifi to drink up and we switch to…

Charlie Haas is stretching when Jamie Knoble shows up, shaking his head. Jamie is somewhat amused by the fact that Charlie is Rico’s debut match on Smackdown. Charlie gets on the defensive, saying that there isn’t anything Rico can do that he can’t counter. Jamie says that’s cool, and then starts describing all the gay shit Rico does in the ring. This gets Charlie nervous and Jamie heads out, telling him not to get, ‘Caught from behind!’ Nunzio walks through, says, “Good luck!” and gives a none too appreciated swat on the ass to Charlie. Charlie gives us a, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” look as we go to commercial.

Back, and Charlie is already in the ring, and Rico (W/ Jackie) makes his entrance with his own Runway set up. After a quick bit of posing with Miss Jackie, Rico gets in the ring, and Charlie looks nauseous.

Bell rings, and Rico takes a knee and offers a kiss, repulsing Charlie. They lock up, Rico powers him to the corner, breaks, and proceeds to check Charlie out, which drives Charlie even more nuts. Charlie snaps and starts beating Rico down, calling him a sick freak. Rico gets the better of him though, sits on his head, and rubs his ass. Charlie goes berserk and Rico ends up in the wrestling superior position and rides him to the ropes. Charlie back in and Rico sunset flips him. When he can’t get Charlie over, he yoinks town the back of the trunks. Charlie works on Rico some more… until Rico slaps on the Greco Roman Lip Lock. This snaps the last straw of Charlie’s sanity and he bails and looks to run away. The ref starts the count, and Charlie wants to get back in the ring, he really does, but Rico shows off his purple thong underwear and Charlie decides to just sit this one out and attempt to puke in front of the announce table, but only manages some spit. Man, where’s Droz when you need him.

We get a quick recap of Eddie and Show’s past hostilities (thankfully, no poop is shown), and we go…

Backstage, and Big Show is getting ready for his match with J”B”L giving him a pep talk (“After you get finished with Eddie, I’ll give you a stock quote or a pizza or something when you get back.”) Big Show says he’s not doing it for Bradshaw or Kurt; he’s doing it for himself, that’s why he made the promise. Bradshaw says to “give ‘em hell, Giant!”

Back, and we get a promo, complete with spooky religious visuals, of the impending debut of Mordecai. Now this is how they should have handled Reverend D-Von.

Back live, and The Big Show is out to take on Eddie Guererro in a non-title match. Eddie is barely in the ring when Big Show is pounding him down. Big Show with the big clubbing rights, then a couple knees when Eddie tries to fight back. Eddie gets a few right hands in, but gets shoved off. Big Show tossing Eddie around, then picking him up by the neck. Eddie gets out of this with the thumb to the eye. Eddie tries to kick at the knee, but Big Show headbutts him, pounds him down a few more times, then covers for 2. Eddie dodges a charge and tries a flying body press, but gets caught and squashed in the corner. Big Show with the frying pan hand slaps, and then stands on Eddie’s head for a few seconds for good measure. Test of strength ends badly for Eddie, and Big Show locks in the stiff-arm lift. Arrogant cover from Show, but Eddie kicks out. Big Show picking Eddie up, but Eddie gets a handful of chest hair, making him let go. Eddie low bridges a Big Show charge, and Show lands hard on the outside. Eddie tries for a plancha, but gets caught. Eddie wriggles out and shoves Big Show into the ringpost as we go to commercial.

Back, and Eddie is in the process of only getting 2 on a cover. Eddie beginning to lay in with the rights, but Big Show was just waiting for the cameras to be back on again and takes over again. Big Show working on Eddie’s left arm. Eddie trying to kick Show’s knees out, but Show blasts Eddie in the shoulder. Eddie getting arm wrung, thrown down, head butted, generally not having a good time. Big Show stiff-arms Eddie up again, but Eddie reverses into a sunset flip which goes nowhere. Big Show grabbing Eddie into a bear hug. Eddie boxes Show’s ears, but eats a big boot. More working on the shoulder, but Eddie explodes back with a thumb to the eye and a few dropkicks, but eats a clothesline. Eddie out of the ring and going through a toolbox. As Big Show reaches for him, Eddie puts a wrench into his boot and clocks him in the face. Big Show staggers back and finds the wrench. The Ref finds it too and verbally berates Show for it. Of course, Show denies using it and drops it. Eddie takes advantage of the confusion to charge in and unload a flurry of rights, and gets a tornado DDT for 2. As Big Show kicks Eddie off him, Eddie hits the ref. This gives Eddie free reign to give Show a quick kick to the groin, a DDT, Eddie up to the top rope, Frogsplash, and Eddie wins!

After the match, Eddie leads the crowd in a chorus of, “Na Na Na Hey Hey (Goodbye)” and Big Show breaks down.

A quick recap of RVD and Booker T’s first night on Smackdown, and we are off to commercials.

Quick switch over to the game, and Montreal goes up 5-1. I knew I was a jinx.

Moments ago: Big Show didn’t have one of his better nights.

Backstage, and Big Show is doing the long walk and he happens on Torrie Wilson and Jan the Makeup lady sharing a giggle between themselves. Big Show decides to take his frustration out on Torrie, and scares her into canceling her match tonight.

Out to the ring, and Theodore Long is out to introduce us to the Reflection of Perfection, Mark Jindrak. Mark admires himself in the mirror set up in the ring for a second, and Spike Dudley is out to make good on his beatdown from last week. Or at least try to. Spike doesn’t even have both legs through the ropes when Jindrak attacks, brawls him down, perches him on the top rope, and hits a standing dropkick to send Spike to the floor. Spike rolled back in and Mark with an Oklahoma Roll for 2. Mark with some more brawling, a delayed vertical suplex, and cover gets 2. Spike back up and trying for a Dudley Dawg, but Mark reverses into his modified urinage and that’s it for Spike. Theodore jumps in the ring to raise Mark’s hand.

Quick video package of Booker turning his back on RVD last week. Man, this feud is only officially a week old, and already they are treating it like Flair vs. Steamboat circa 1989.

Back, and out in the parking lot, and Torrie is making a hasty retreat and packing up her car when Big Show stops her and gets in her face for laughing at him. Big Show snaps and tries to Goldberg his way through the drives window, then opts for kicking it out. Big Show stops to cry for a second, but when Torrie tries to commiserate, that just makes him angrier. He beats out the rear window (this time bare handed) and after Torrie tries reasoning with him, he takes the car and flips it. Torrie decides that it’s time to run like a b-rate horror movie actress, and Big Show just gets an evil grin on his face and starts doing the Jason Voorhee’s slow walk after her.

Commercials.

Back, and Tazz and Cole can’t believe what they’ve seen, so we get to see Big Show flip the car again. And again.

“Can you dig it, Sucka?” and Booker T is out to take on Rob Van Dam. They share a brief locking of eyes in the ring, and RVD charges Booker and lays in the beat down. RVD with the kicks in the corner then follows up with a dropkick to Bookers face in the corner. Booker rolls out, but RVD is right on him. Booker back in, and RVD with the jumping side kick. Standing moonsault and cover gets 1. RVD brawling Booker down some more, then clothslining him out. RVD following out, and RVD hangs Booker on the barricade, then hits the guillotine leg drop. This apparently is as good a time as any for us to take our final commercial break.

Back, and Booker has taken over after a missed charge by RVD. Booker covers for 2. Booker with a back elbow, knee drop, cover getting two. Booker locking in the rear chinlock, but RVD hulks up, only to eat an axe kick. Booker football kicks RVD a few times in the ribs. Booker going for the axe kick, but RVD dodges. Book-end blocked, and RVD fighting out, but Booker gets a kick to the gut. Booker picking RVD up, but RVD answers with a matrix kick, a few more kicks, and a split legged moonsault to cover for 2. Rolling Thunder, cover gets 2 off that. RVD with a German suplex (Cole calls it a belly-to-belly. Haha, what a dumbass!) RVD up for the 5-star, but misses. Booker tying RVD up in the ropes and going to town. Referee Nick Patrick tries to stop him, but Booker ignores him, continues the beatdown, and draws the DQ. Booker ends the beating with a sidekick right in the face and RVD collapses to the floor. As the ref’s and the trainers look after RVD, Booker does a spineroonie just to spite him. We get the WWE logo and we’re outta here.

BUT WAIT! A Tech crewmember finds Kurt Angle and tells him that Big Show has Torrie on a ledge and is threatening to throw her off. Kurt rushes to help and we find Big Show terrorizing Torrie, indeed holding her in a precarious situation 20 feet above a concrete floor. Kurt tells Big Show to let her go and climbs up to confront him face to face. Kurt gets Show to let go of Torrie, but in return, gets grabbed and chokeslammed off the ledge himself. The camera cuts to Kurt’s prone body (complete with blood) and Big Show has a self-satisfied smirk as we fade out.

Ok, THIS is their answer to get Kurt completely off TV? KILLING HIM? If Smackdown opens with anything other than a Big Show mug shot next week, and a somber Tazz telling us all that he’s going to jail for 10 years for manslaughter, then I’m throwing a shoe at the TV. I’d have praise for the good RVD/Booker match, the comedy of Rico psyching out the overly homophobic Charlie, or the improvement of Cena’s ringwork this week, but everything pales to Big Show killing Kurt. I can’t even offer a prediction as to how this could advance. I’ll just stop rambling here and say see ya next week.

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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