by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

5-Minute out bumper: A disturbing chain of events has ended one mans career and possibly another mans LIFE! (See! Even WWE is saying they killed him!) What are the repercussions? Find out NEXT!

WWE leader (SILL with Tough Enough action!) and Last week, Kurt Angle got tossed off a very high place onto the UNFORGIVING concrete by an INSANE Big Show. Torrie did her best to look SCARED!

Live to the arena, and Tazz and Cole let us know that Kurt Angle did indeed survive his fall, but he’s got a broken leg, grade 3 concussion, and severe internal injuries. Tazz tells us that we are headed for rough waters on Smackdown tonight. You ain’t just whistling Dixie, Tazzmeister.

Opening theme, and No Pyro as we get a graphic telling us there will be a tag Title match with Rikishi and Scotty vs. Charlie Haas and a mystery partner. 

But to get us kicked off, Rob Van Dam starts us off nice and hot with a rematch from last week against Booker T (and the helpful graphic tells us we are broadcasting from British Columbia, Canada. Yeah, from the WHOLE provence.)

RVD attacks to start with a plancha and beat down on Booker. Both men in the ring, bell rings, and RVD continues the beatdown, ending with him choking Booker in the corner with his foot. Booker reaches up and drags RVD out of the ring, but RVD recovers quickly and goes back on offense. RVD brawling Booker all over the ring, and then Booker bails. RVD follows and hits a jumping spin kick. Back in and more brawling, and Booker takes over with a back kick off a cross corner whip. Booker lays RVD out with a big clothesline and locks in a cobra clutch. Cole compares Booker to SGT. Slaughter. I chuckle. RVD struggles out and a meeting of the minds lays both men out. Both men back up, but RVD gets the better of the fisticuffs exchange. Bodyslam, tornado legdrops, rolling thunder, RVD up for the 5-Star, but before he can take flight: NOW we get the Pyro. RVD is distracted by the shiny, so Booker gets the cheap rollup for the pin. As RVD goes “WTF?” some familiar music hits and out walks…

Paul Heyman! He announces that with the injury to Kurt Angle, that he was only one person that Vince could turn to to bring order back to Smackdown. He tells RVD to stay in the ring and tells the rest of us to stay tuned for a special One-Night-Only edition of Paul Heyman’s Smackdown™.

Commercials.

Back and in the ring, and Paul Heyman is letting RVD know that he is now Mr. Thursday Night. And you know why he’s Mr. Thursday night? Because Paul Heyman turned Smackdown into the crown jewel of pro wrestling. That is, until all the boys in the back turned their back on him. He says he doesn’t hold RVD responsible for that, but he does want to remind RVD of another Crown jewel he created: Extreme Championship Wrestling (Hear that? That’s the sound of 40,000 mutants across the nation messing up their underwear at Paul’s mere mention of ECW.) He says RVD has been a disgrace to the memory of ECW, this brings the Dudley Boyz out, and Bubba says that if he has something to say to RVD, then he can say it to them. Paul knows what the Dudleys are thinking: why didn’t Paul ever try to acquire the Dudleys for Smackdown. Because from the time that the Dudleys and RVD came aboard WWE, they have become Vince McMahons puppets, that Paul is ashamed that his monsters that he created in ECW have been tamed. He says they should have followed Tazz’s example and gotten out of the ring while the getting was good. He tells them that they haven’t done anything revolutionary, newsworthy, or shocking in all their time in WWE, so D-Von takes this as his cue to start laying a beatdown on RVD. Bubba stares Paul down for a second more, and decides to join his brother. No 3-D, no “Whassup!”, Nothing fancy or crowd popping here, just a straight up ass whipping for RVD, ending with a nasty little kick to the groin. Afterwards, Bubba asks if that’s good enough, Paul tells them it’s a start. A good start, but just a start. Paul takes his leave, and we are off to commercials.

Moments ago: Paul SHOCKED us all, and the Dudleys SWERVED us all.

Scotty and Rikishi are out to defend the Tag Titles against Charlie Haas and a mystery partner. Tazz and Cole wonder who Charlie’s partner will be, and to the surprise of no one, is Rico (W/ Miss Jackie). Charlie is barely containing his gorge and doesn’t want Rico anywhere near him. Charlie makes a goofy show of covering his ass as Rico starts with Rikishi. Rikishi tells Rico to stay away from his rump, and they lock up. Rico sent to the corner and Rikishi charges, and Rico dodges and offers up the butt for Rikishi. Rikishi kicks him across the ring. Rico plays some more shenanigans and tries for a sunset flip, but Rikishi blocks and slaps his ass in preparation for a banzai drop. Rico says, “That looks like fun!” and slaps Rikishi’s ass as well. Rikishi flips out and runs to tag Scotty, who is less than thrilled to get in the ring. More shenanigans follow and Charlie DEMANDS to be tagged in. He yells, “What the hell are you doing?” to Rico, and immediately gets rolled up by Scotty. Charlie does some actual wrestling type stuff with Scotty. Rico gets a blind tag back in and slinks in to cover Scotty in an incredibly wrong way. Scotty kicks out and Charlie gets a blind tag and goes after Scotty. Scotty gets away and tags to Rikishi, who does the standard beatdown and puts Charlie in the corner and sets up the stinkface. Rico has other plans, tho, and drags Charlie out and puts himself in and wants Rikishi to stinkface HIM. For effect, He applies some lip balm. Rikishi shrugs, steps over, and gives Rico a great big stinkface, which he loves. Rikishi with the clothesline, and tag to Scotty. Scotty gets the bulldog to set up, but only gets 3 hops in before Rico is in to apply the Greco-Roman liplock. Miss Jackie distracts Rikishi as Charlie gets the rollup with a handful of tights for the 1-2-3. Wait a minute, that means they won and your NEW tag Team Champions are Charlie Haas and Rico! Charlie celebrates, and then realizes that he’s a TAG champion, and as such, is now joined at the hip with Rico. Charlie has a mixed reaction but Rico is all smiles.

Backstage, John “Bradshaw” Layfield tells Paul Heyman that his words from a month ago have inspired him and he’s a new man because of it. Paul is happy for Bradshaw, and is so confident of his abilities that, for a special engagement, he has flown the Mexican champion, El Gran Luchadore, up to Canada to take on Bradshaw. Bradshaw is dubious, but Paul talks into having the match NEXT. He also announces that Eddie will take on The Dudley later. Bradshaw asks which one. Paul responds, “I dunno, they all look alike.” We all share a chuckle as we go to commercials.

Back, and Bradshaw is out to the ring to take on El Gran Luchadore. EGL comes out and has a PIP promo, in Spanish. I think the gist was, “You wanna to talk about Mexicans? I’ll fuck you up, Man-to-man!”

Bradshaw overpowers Gran to start, leveling him with clotheslines and getting a delayed vertical suplex. More basic power stuff and Bradshaw taunts Gran. Gran gets a boot up for a Bradshaw charge, and then gets a dropkick or two, head scissors, and a moonsault for 2¾. Bradshaw comes back, hits a powerbomb, and covers. He pulls Gran up at 2, tho. He then drapes Gran’s arm across himself and tells referee Charles Robinson to count. Charles gets down and tries to fast count, but only gets 2. Bradshaw picks Gran back up and hits a Hades Lariat and this time finishes it off.

Up Next: the debut of Café Rene.

You know, on that “Now 15” compilation, there might be one or two songs that I would remotely call “Music.” Oh god, please let The Darkness, The Sounds, Jet, etc. herald the return of GOOD music! You know, music that you don’t have to be depressed or homicidal to enjoy.

Back, and Rene DuPree is in the ring with the “enjoying-his-job-WAY-too-much” accordion player, Fifi the Poodle, and the French Bistro set. Rene asks for a moment of silence for the poor Kurt Angle. The crowd boo’s lustily, and Rene tells the crowd that they are uncultured. He blathers on a bit and introduces Torrie, who seems to have recovered completely from the mental trauma of last week. Rene makes small talk and GOD THIS IS BORING THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!! Rene finally cuts to the chase and asks her why she was laughing at Big Show. Torrie is taken aback a bit by the tangent, and is instantly on the defensive from Rene’s pointed questions. Rene blames Torrie for Kurt’s injuries. He calls her selfish and can’t do anything for herself. After calling her a bitch, Torrie proves him wrong by slapping the taste out of his mouth. He responds by throwing wine in Torries eyes and goes to bodyslam her, but John Cena makes the save, charging down to the ring and sending John running. Fifi just stands there looking confused. I agree with Fifi.

Back, and John Cena is still in the ring, and he’s set to fight Los Chavito’s in a handicap match.

Jr. starts, Lockup, Chavo works a side headlock, Cena reverses, Chavo off the ropes, Cena with the hiptoss. Sr. looks to interfere after Chavo bails, but the ref puts him back in the corner. Chavo back in, Cena with the beatdown until Sr. blindsides Cena to give the advantage to Jr. Chavo with the cover, only getting two. Tag to Sr. and his offense goes nowhere, so he tags Jr. back in who takes over again. Chavo with a camel clutch, tag to Sr. and Sr. in with the cheap shot. Cena gets a shot or two in and Sr. quickly tags back out and Jr. takes back over until a Cena spine buster. Chavo tries an Enziguri; Cena dodges and follows up with an elbow drop. 5-knuckle shuffle, and then Chavo set up for the FU, but Sr. interrupts with a kidney shot. Cena no-sells, has an FU for Sr. but gets dumped by Chavo. While the ref is distracted with Jr., Rene DuPree runs out and slams John into the ringpost. John rolled back in, Chavo with a brainbuster, and Los Chavitos steal one.

Backstage, Torrie is getting the wine sponged off (Oooo! Let me! Let Me!) when Paul Heyman stops by and says that what Rene did earlier was reprehensible, so he’s NEVER going to have another segment of Café Rene again! Oh wait, no, we couldn’t get that lucky. No, Paul has decided to schedule a sure fire ratings grabber: Rene vs. Torrie! 1-on-1! Torrie can’t believe it as we go to commercial.

Liars, whoremongers, and thieves have walked the streets with impunity long enough! Because here comes Mordecai. Ph33r h1m!!

Back in the ring, and Booker T wants to clear things up. You see, Booker used to be a #1 star. People used to pay cash money for the Spineroonie, and now they are asking why? Booker was a star on Raw, but now he’s a MEGASTAR on Smackdown, and he’s going to do what he can to bring Smackdown up to his level. He says he’s the most famous man on Smackdown, and soon enough, he’ll be the most famous man in America. Booker gets interrupted by the lights going down and a resonant, “BONG!” Booker obviously smells squash, so he hightails it outta there.

Raw Rewind: White guys named Tyson, manly close-ups, and wacky, mix and match tag teams, oh my!

Earlier tonight, Charlie and Rico became yet another wacky mixed up tag team champion pair.

Backstage, The New Guy has Charlie and Rico cornered and asks them what they think of being tag champions. Rico says it’s the happiest day of his life. As Charlie starts to give his side, Rico gooses him, Charlie thinks its Jackie; hilarity ensues.

Out to the ring, and The Dudleys (w/ Paul Heyman and Earlier Tonight footage of the RVD beatdown) are out for one of them to face Eddie Guererro. Eddie is out and we apparently need a commercial…

Back, and apparently Eddie’s opponent is Bubba. They circle, and D-Von pearl harbors Eddie and the beatdown begins with Paul Heyman telling D-Von to, “Kill Him!” D-Von keeps the offense on, dumping him out a couple times to allow a few good shots from Bubba Ray on the outside. D-Von with the delayed vertical suplex, cover, only gets 2. D-Von beating Eddie down in the corner, but Eddie fights out, but eats a clothesline for his troubles. D-Von with the head vice, but Eddie counters with a chin buster. Eddie low bridges a charging D-Von, and catches his breath before rolling out and taking it to D-Von, unloading with fisticuffs and making D-Von eat ring steps. Bubba interrupts by ramming Eddie into the ringpost, but while all this has been happening, referee Brian Hebner has been counting and whaddayaknow! It’s a double count out. Ref calls for the bell, but Paul interrupts, saying that on Paul Heyman’s Smackdown, in the main event there will be a winner and a loser, therefore, this match is restarted. Duds jump Eddie and we go to commercial.

Back, and Eddie quickly gets a clothesline out of nowhere to put both men down. D-Von tries to charge in, but Eddie dodges and gets a series of shoulder thrusts. D-Von stumbling out and Eddie gets a second rope dropkick. Cover gets 2. Eddie up for a 10-punch countalong. D-Von interrupts with a punch to the kidney around #6, and gets a wicked neckbreaker. D-Von with the swinging neckbreaker, cover only gets 2. D-Von with the sleeper, Eddie fading fast. Crowd chants, “Eddie!” and D-Von and Bubba go berserk at this. Classic! Eddie struggles and makes the ropes. Bubba taunts Eddie from ringside, and D-Von drags him back in, applying a few elbows to the back. D-Von with another Sleeper, but Eddie gets out with a few well-placed elbows. D-0Von fights Eddie off in the corner, but a Savage elbow misses. Eddie out and going up for the frogsplash, but D-Von runs up and meets him to deliver a superplex. Now it’s D-Von’s turn for the top rope, but a flying headbutt misses. D-Von up and swinging haymakers at Eddie’s head. Eddie is suddenly feeling the crowd and hulks up! Eddie with a couple knockdowns, and he hits the Hat-Trick Verticals. Bubba up to try and interfere, but Eddie brings him in and tosses him out. He goes to do something with D-Von, but D-Von rolls Eddie up into a small package, and with Bubba assisting from the outside, D-Von gets the pin. Immediately afterwards, a showered and freshly suited up J”B”L hits the ring to apply the beatdown with a powerbomb and a Clothesline from Hell. J”B”L poses, and we’re outta here.

You know, I can feel Smackdown trying to get back into the groove. Really, I can. But when the most entertaining part of the show is watching 3 guys overreact to Rico’s flamboyance, you know that there’s a long way to go. Hopefully, Paul’s statement about this being One Night Only won’t be true, and that this means he’s back. Because, let’s be honest here: “Paul Heyman’s Smackdown!” isn’t just a line from a script, it’s a fact of life.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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