by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I did read a couple of spoilers for tonight’s show, tho, and in preparation for the “Shocks” that are in store for me, I’ve already loaded up with a couple whiskey sours and Yuengling Lagers. Expect great happy fun time tonight! Oh hey, to make it even more fun, I’m going to play the Smackdown Drinking game: every time something sucks, I’ll take another drink!

Anyway, with a buzz on and Judge Joe brown ending, LET’S GET ON WITH THE WRASSLIN!

5-minutes out bumper: What, No bumper tonight? Damn you Smackdown for making me watch Judge Joe Brown!

We cold open on Michael Cole (drink) in the ring, who informs us that Eddie Guererro’s mother has suffered a heart attack. He cuts us to video from a house show this past Sunday where we see a winded Eddie Guererro informing us all that next Sunday is Mothers day (so get her a card, you cads!) So in honor of that, he first brings out his wife and kids, introduces us to them all, proclaims that he couldn’t have done it all without them. He then tells us that the next woman is definitely going to heaven for putting up with Los Guererros all her life. He brings out his mother, crowd chants her name, he presents her with roses, proclaims her as the REAL mamacita, and we play Eddie’s music. This is interrupted by the entrance of John “Bradshaw” Layfield. Eddie shoo’s his family out of the ring, but mom stays. Bradshaw rushes in and hits a quick powerbomb on Eddie. Eddie’s mom (being a Guererro and all) decided to give Bradshaw some sass. He responds by grabbing her, She responds by falling to the floor, clutching her heart. Bradshaw hightails it, Eddie screams for paramedics, Mom does the stretcher job, and I take another drink. Back to the arena, and Tazz and Cole are aghast at what they’ve seen. As they take a minute to collect themselves, we go to commercial.

“The Day After Tomorrow” trailer. This movie looks like it’s going to be fooking awesome on the big screen. Nice “Turn off your brain” popcorn flick.

Back, and we are promised an explanation from John “Bradshaw” Layfield later tonight. I take a preemptive drink.

John Cena is out to not defend the United States Title against Doug Basham (W/ Danny, no entrance). “YOYOYOYOYO!” (Drink). He tells us that he fights for the people and this flag (pointing to the belt.) He gets a quick cheap pop from the Tucson, Arizona crowd. He promises that he’s gonna smash Rene DuPree just like he’s going to smash the Bashams. He calls into question the heterosexuality of two guys that are always switching positions. He throws the bag of planters to Doug, the bell rings, and it’s on.

Stalling to start as John decides which way to throw the jersey he was wearing. Lockup, Doug on the ropes, clean break, shoving match, Doug eats a hiptoss. John with the Side Headlock, but Doug punches his way out. Doug dominates for a microsecond and Cena comes back with the knife-edges and euro uppercuts. Doug coming back, goes for a DDT, but John hangs on to the rope and Doug eats canvas. Danny sneaks in from behind and gets a cheap shot. Doug with the cover, only getting two. Doug brawling around, locking in a sleeper. John fights out, goes off the ropes, and applies a sleeper of his own. Doug reverses back, John gets a chin buster. Cena back up and getting a clothesline, a second, and then a sidewalk slam. Time for the 5 moves of DOOOOOM! 5-Knuckle Shuffle, F-U, 1-2-3, and that’s it. We get some hype for the Torrie vs. Dawn Marie match next, Tazz gives us a quick, “Who’s your Daddy!?” and we are off to commercial.

Back, and we go over Booker T saying he’s going to slap the dead out of the Undertaker last week, complete with ensuing hilarity as he tries to knock ‘taker down.

The leads us to a wonderfully hilarious </sarcasm> vignette where Booker visits a Voodoo shop in search of an edge, any edge over Undertaker. Booker nearly says forget this, but the voice of Mama Sangria (?) calls him back into the shop and us into even more hilarity. Mama gives Booker a bag full of standard voodoo charms (crows feather, fangs from a 3-legged dog, etc.) but informs him that there is still one more ingredient he needs: dirt from an unmarked grave dug up at midnight on the full moon. Booker gives us WTF? I am getting seriously intimate with this bottle of Jim Beam Green Label…

Commercials. You know, I resent that Hardees commercial that says that guys are too lazy to get up and change the channel manually when they lose the remote. Mainly because I know that a REAL MAN would go get a universal remote from <a href="http://www.target.com/">Target!</a>

Back from commercials, and it’s Chavo (w/ Sr.) vs. the World! Sr. grabs the mic and says that he’s very emotional (pained expression) at the fact that his mother had a heart attack last Sunday. Chavo grabs the mic, and with nary a mention of his grandmother, he reiterates that it’s him vs. the world. He reissues the challenge….

And out comes Jacqueline. Even Tony Chimel is going, “What the Fuck?” Both Chavo’s roll around laughing, and Jr. expresses his disbelief in that he is about to wrestle a woman. Chavo calls for the real opponent, but Jackie stays put. Chavo asks if wrestling him would be fair, Jackie just gives him “the look.” Chavo tells her to scurry on to the back and make him a sammich. Jackie just looks pissed. Chavo asks if she really wants to do this, so she clocks him. Chavo gives up the belt, the bell rings, and it’s on.

Chavo grabs a waistlock, puts Jackie down on the mat, wrestles her down, and then throws her with a deep arm drag. Jackie whipped across the ring, but she dodges a Chavo splash, hits a couple of forearms, and gets a head scissors. Chavo gets a back suplex and he and Sr. gloat. As the ref argues with Sr. (who has grabbed the title in preparation of Jr.'s imminent victory) Jackie gives Jr. the uppernut, gets a schoolboy, and 1-2-3 we got’s ourself a new cruiserweight champion. As Los Chavito’s register their surprise, Jackie dances up the ramp with the belt, and I say, “Fuck the Sour Mix!” and grab a straight shot from the bottle.

Moments ago, I damaged my liver a lot more….

In the ring, the FBI are in the ring, and their opponent tonight is… Kurt Angle? Wow! That was a fast recovery! Oh wait, he’s just out here to throw a few choice words our way.

He was hoping that the disrespect shown him last week was just an aberration, but he was wrong, Tucson thinks he sucks. So, from the bottom of his heart, he’s deeply ashamed of each and every one of the people in attendance. HA! Take that Tucson! You sucka’z got SERVED! Getting to the point, he promised that Undertaker would be in action tonight, but after sending his bodyguard Luther Rains around to ask if anyone wants to do the job, nobody accepted. So he turns his attention to the FBI, and long story short, they got to take on Undertaker RIGHT NOW!

BONG! And here comes Undertaker: Texas Ranger (W/ Urn and Paul Bearer. Are they ever going to let him talk again?) ‘Taker does that neat trick where he raises the house lights and rolls his eyes back. Paul takes his coat and hat. Nunzio and Johnny the Bull look like they are about to shit themselves. I take another drink and DAMN I’m in the mood for hot chicken strips…

Bell rings, and Nunzio bails and Undertaker beats on Johnny. Remember when Undertaker was beating up on the FBI at will just prior to and after Wrestlemania XIX? Imagine that. Johnny gets maybe two good shots in before ‘Taker hits the flying clothesline, old School, and locks in a sort of sideways full nelson submission move, making Johnny tap right away. Nunzio, being stupid, tries to break things up. ‘Taker takes him on a last ride (holding him up long enough for Nunzio to comically cross himself before getting folded in half), and Johnny eats one for good measure. Roll back the eyes, bask in shameless praise from Paul, and we cut to…

A Graveyard for more wacky hijinks from Booker T. He searches for a grave, finds an unmarked one, grabs some dirt off it, and runs, but not before feeling a shill down his spine. We pan back to the grave, and, complete with lightning effects, a Hand breaks the surface. (Drink, Drink, and, umm, Yeah, Drink!)

Back from commercials, and Josh Mathews is trying to avoid getting served restraining orders as he tells us about the horrible events that occurred this past Sunday (And you ain’t shittin’, brah!) We get the highlight clip version of the house show video (Just the part where Eddie gets powerbombed and mom gets the heart attack.) Gotta hand it to Eddie’s family, they are good actors. I’ve switched to beer because I’m not going to make it to the end of the show at this rate…

Back, and Josh has evaded Mr. Subpoena server, and he asks Eddie if he blames himself for what happened. Eddie just glares, glares, glares, starts to shake, and suddenly it’s a commercial for “Oops I crapped my pants!” Josh sneaks away as Eddie comes to grips with his incontinence.

Back, and it’s a Diva’s match! Torrie Wilson is out first, and Rene Dupree (W/ Fifi) is at ringside to glare creepily. Dawn Marie is out and she pouts in a heelish manner as she’s coming down the ramp. Dawn attacks with the hair grab and runs her around the ring by her bleached, beautiful locks. Dawn then goes to trying to rip Torries face off, and then goes for the first actual wrestling move of the match (leg drop), a cover, and only getting 2. Dawn rips the padding off one of the turnbuckles and rams Torries face into it. A second try results in Torrie blocking and coming back with a clothesline. Another clothesline puts Dawn down and Torrie goes up. Rene tries to interrupt, but gets kicked off. Torrie goes up and gets a cross body. John Cena comes down the ramp at this point as Dawn kicks out at 2. Dawn tosses Torrie out, Rene looks to do something nefarious, but Cena puts an end to that. Cena goes to look after Torrie and Rene takes this opportunity to commence an ass whupping on Cena. Announce table dismantled, gut shot with a monitor, Cena put through the table. Rene drapes the French flag over Cena, gets in the ring, soaks up the boo’s, and taunts Cena with a you can’t see me. I can’t believe I’m still typing this well…

Back from commercials, and apparently, during the break, Rene pillmanized Cena’s knee.

In NYC, Bradshaw is looking impatient, but he’s going to have to wait while Tazz and Cole hype the PPV and the Three (3) matches we have so far.

Well, finally, Cole throws it to J”B”L, and Bradshaw is aghast at the crowd’s response to his presence. He takes offense at Cole’s accusation that he caused Mrs. Guererro’s heart attack, says that Eddie has to take responsibility. Cole dances around actually calling him a pussy to his face and Bradshaw begs off that accusation by saying he’s got business in NYC, but promises that next week and at Judgement Day, he’s going to make Eddie pay. He leaves off by saying that his ancestors came over in a boat, not an inner tube. He ends the interview in a huff, and we go into hype for WWE Experience.

“Chronicles of Riddick” is coming out June 11^th, but it hasn’t been rated yet? Isn’t this kind of cutting it a bit close?

Backstage, and Paul Heyman is pleading with Kurt that Eddie is too much of a loose cannon to be allowed to participate in the match tonight. Kurt tells him to shut up, that he’s taking Eddie out of the match. Paul says thank you and Kurt thinks fast for a replacement. He whispers it in Luther’s ear, and Luther takes off to get “him.”

Out to the arena, and the Dudley Boys are out to the ring. Out next is Rob Van Dam. And RVD’s mystery partner is Rey Mysterio Jr.! Wow, he IS alive! The Dudley’s don’t look pleased at this development.

To start, we get RVD and Bubba. RVD threatens with a couple kicks to start and chases Bubba around before locking up. Bubba powers RVD into the corner, but RVD dodges a haymaker and comes back with rights of his own, graduating to stomps as Bubba falls down, then hits a running dropkick. Bubba comes back with an axe handle, tho. Tag to D-Von, who quickly falls prey to RVD’s educated feet. D-Von gets a few clubbering blows in, tho, and it’s all Dudley’s again. Tag to Bubba, double team on the leg sweep, cover gets 2. Bubba takes a second to jaw jack with Rey, but turns around into a spinning heel from RVD. RVD covers, but only gets two. Tag to Rey, and he’s a House O’ Far!™ Knocking D-von off the apron and he has a little something for both Dudz, Until an attempted 6-1-9 on D-Von is interrupted by a Bubba trip. Rey comes back with a 10 Punch count along, and a Hurricanrana sends Bubba loopy, and Rey gets a bulldog. As the ref gets in Reys way to check on Bubba, D-Von sweeps Rey off he feet and crotches him on the ringpost. As Rey and Bubba are both down, we go to commercial.

Back, and D-Von has Rey in a headlock. During the commercial, Bubba turned the tide with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER! Rey into the corner, and as D-Von goes for a back suplex; Rey reverses into a reverse DDT. Both Men on the crawl, Bubba looks to come in, the Ref gets distracted, Rey gets the tag but the Ref doesn’t see it. Bubbas do the double team beat down on Rey as the Ref argues with RVD. Bubba gets a slam, goes for the bubba bomb, but Rey rolls out of it, making Bubba eat turnbuckle. A few swift kicks to the face to Bubba, and Rey gets the tag. RVD has educated kicks for everyone, a flying side kick for D-Von, Baseball slide for Bubba, and Rey comes in for a west coast pop, RVD with the split legged moonsault, and cover is interrupted by Bubba. Bubba grabs Rey and going for the Dudley device, but RVD pushed D-Von off. Rey dropkicks Bubba out of the ring and follows up with a slingshot cross body. RVD up for the 5***** frogsplash, but D-Von JUST BARELY gets out of the way. Rey back in, D-Von eats a 6-1-9, and RVD and Rey combine the Rolling Thunder and Dropping the Dime for a sweet looking finish to the match.

After the match, the Dudz are sore losers, so they attack and look to do something nasty with a chair set up in the ring when Eddie rushes down to the ring and has a little something for everyone. Punching Bubba Down! Punching D-Von down! Grabbing the chair! Chair shot for Bubba! Chair Shot for D-Von! Chair Shot for RVD! Chair Shot for Brian Hebner! Chair Shot for some kid sitting in the front row! Chair Shot for Michael Cole! (Ok, I was only kidding about those last two.) Eddie finishes us up by swinging the chair menacingly and giving us “Wide eyed and psychotic!” Copyright notice, Fade out, and we’re outtie!

Ok, this show wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be. Yes, I’ll agree: heart attack angles suck. Mother’s on TV suck. Combine the two, and you’ve just crossed over the Russo Event Horizon into the Fererra Black Hole. Hopefully, Eddie’s mom having a heart attack will be only mentioned in passing from here on out and we’ll be treated to a very entertaining “Crazy Eddie!”

Second on my list: There are a million reasons why Jackie should not have the cruiserweight title, and none of them are the fact she’s a woman. I could name a few off here (Paul London, Shannon Moore, and Ultimo Dragon, all of whom Chavo has never actually pinned, AFAIK, currently languishing in Velocity jobberdom for one), but they’ve already covered a good amount of area on this topic in the forums. Short and sweet is: while putting the title on Jackie might have given us a momentary pop, but I guarantee that it’ll be a matter of days before apathy rules the day regarding Jackie’s title run. Hopefully they’ll have a fix for this next week.

Also: could Tazz and Cole have verbally fellated Undertaker more?

And please, for the love of god, NEVER have another “Wacky voodoo skit” with ANY wrestler, ever again. Hopefully this means the debut of Mordecai and he’ll make the pain of sitting through these skits worth it.

The good: The Cena/Basham match was a decent opener, and the Main Event was well done. I think that if RVD and Rey stick together as a tag team, that finishing combo will be a crowd pleaser for a good while.

The Diva’s match only served to set up Rene going psycho on Cena, which I thought put a little spice on this otherwise lackluster feud.

And that’s it for this week. Join me Next week as I crack open a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and this can of pineapple juice and hope I don’t have to torture my liver as much as I am now.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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