by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Oh lord, while we admire you in your incredible bigness, we must question some of the questionable things you have done. Like creating Marijuana, then creating Republicans to counter it. Like asking us to be celibate, and giving us a body that gets horny every 17 seconds. And especially like the current state of Smackdown. You’ve given us a great champion in Eddie Guererro, and yet you saddle him with a feud with a worker who hasn’t done anything exciting in two years and is using a gimmick that lost relevance 10 years ago. You’ve given us all the tools to create a good Tag Division, and yet our champions are a comedy act. You gave us a great US Champion, and then took away any and all edge that he had. Lord we question these things but we have faith. We have faith that you’ll guide Smackdown back to the true path of workmanship. We have faith that you will smite down with great vengeance any further attempts at cartoonish gimmickry. And for your sake, we have faith that Booker T will find his way to the Promised Land of MainEventia.

In Vince’s name, we pray…

Ok, and if this doesn’t work, Next week I try voodoo…

5-minute out bumper: John “Bradshaw” Layfield is a marked man. Will Eddie Guererro find his target? Find out NEXT!

No leader, apparently we don’t have time for it because we’re going over the shenanigans with Eddie’s mother AGAIN!

Opening, and we are LIVE (taped) from Reno, Nevada, and later tonight, Rey Mysterio Jr. goes head to head against J”B”L.

But first, Rob Van Dam has a match against Bubba Dudley (W/ head bandage and announced as “The Dudley.”) Bubba points to his head and yells a lot as he circles the ring. RVD gives him just bring it until D-Von Pearl Harbors him. D-Von gaining an early advantage, brawling him into the corner. RVD with tome rights to come back and a couple leg lariats later, a pinfall attempt gets 2. Dropkick in the corner, Points-To-Self, and he goes for the split legged moonsault, but Bubba is up to taunt him and this gives time for D-Von to sneak in a superplex. D-Von beats him down as the crowd gets with an insanely loud RVD chant. D-Von with the surfboard, but RVD fights out, only to eat a clothesline. D-Von with the sleeper hold and is someone holding up a flashing sign? Because this RVD chant is just coming out of nowhere. RVD comes back with kicks and punches, jumping sidekick, cover only gets 2. RVD charges in, gets dropped over the top rope, lands on the apron, and gets a kick on D-Von to put him down. Looking to go up top, but Bubba is there to hold the leg. RVD kicks him off and hits a rolling thunder. Bubba puts the leg on the rope and gets a baseball slide for his troubles. RVD with another jumping thrust kick, but a flailing D-Von puts a thumb in the ref’s eye. RVD up top for the frog splash, but Bubba crotches him. D-Von takes advantage with another superplex, and that’s it. Duds stand around in the ring for a few second and decide that a few more shots on RVD are a good idea. Rey makes the save and the Duds limp away.

Backstage, Eddie is looking rather mopey. Kurt Angle comes in and tells him that while he has his sympathies for Eddie’s grandmother, his attack in the main event last week was unprovoked and Kurt won’t stand for any further shenanigans. Eddie just gives him a dirty look and decides to take a walk, while Kurt protests.

Kenzo Suzuki is coming. Now if only we could understand what he wants…

In the ring, Michael Cole introduces Jacqueline (W/ footage of her win last week). Jacqueline is proud to be the first woman Cruiserweight champ, and taunts Chavo by saying “You lost to a GIRL!” Chavo decides that he’s heard enough and comes out (W/ Sr. aka Chavo Classic) After a Chavo Sucks chant, he says, “Very Funny” and calls Jackie a thief. He calls having his championship stolen from him is the biggest shame in his career, and quite possibly his life. He accuses her of cheating, and says that the only way she can beat him is with cheating. He goes on to say that he just talked with Kurt Angle, and the match has been made: Chavo vs. Jackie with one arm tied behind his back. Sr. grabs the mic and says that while Chavo will redeem the Guererro name this Sunday, he wants Jackie right now! Jackie says, “Sure!” and they both get ready. Sr. is an old man, so this may take a few minutes. Let’s take a commercial break!

Back, and Chavo Classic is taking Jackie down with a drop toehold. Jackie reverses it and chases Classic out of the ring. Classic back in and now its Jackie with the drop toe hold. Classic back up and forcing Jackie into the corner and going to work with the shoulders. Jackie comes back with a tornado DDT and some nice looking offence. Classic drops her onto the apron and she gets a shot on Classic and looks about to do something before Chavo trips her up and she slams herself on the apron. Chavo tries rolling her back in, but she doesn’t quite make it, so Chavo has to help her in. Classic covers and gets the pin. As Los Chavitos celebrate, Jackie sneaks up and depants Classic. Hilarity supposedly ensues.

After commercials, Kurt can’t believe that Eddie disrespected him like that. Luther is sympathetic and nods in all the right places. Kurt sends him to get Eddie.

Back to the arena, and we are forced to relive the voodoo shenanigans from last week.

Elsewhere, Kurt is being pushed around, and they finally catch up to Eddie. He informs us that Bradshaw is on his way to the arena and that if Eddie interferes with his match against Rey in any way, than he’ll be stripped of the title and it will be awarded to Bradshaw. Eddie just gives us funny faces until Kurt makes the mistake of bringing up Eddie’s grandmother and the possibility that she probably had heart disease. Eddie gets in Kurt’s face and Kurt asks Luther to hightail him out of there. Eddie scoffs and we are back to commercials.

Back, and Tazz and Cole are going nuts over the impending Bradshaw/Mysterio matchup. Bradshaw interrupts them all via cell phone. He says he’s the real deal, he’s going to destroy Rey, and he hopes Eddie is still there when he gets there, as he’s got a surprise for him.

In the ring, the FBI are all bandaged up and still hurting from last weeks beating at the hands of the Undertaker. Booker T is out (W/ Magical Voodoo Bag) and apparently he requested this match to show everyone that he’s as good as the Undertaker. Booker basically squashes them both. Nothing exciting here. Johnny the Bull gets a microsecond of a hope spot with some kicks, but he’s taken down with a big boot, Axe Kick, and the pin. Geez, you know it’s bad when the Undertaker’s match the previous week is better than Bookers this week. Booker proclaims himself Undertakers match, and as if on cue…

BONG! Undertaker appears on all 3 Smackatrons and Paul Bearer comes out waving the Urn threateningly. Smoke fills the ring and The Undertaker Zombie Sits-up in the middle of it. Cole wonders where ‘Taker comes from. Booker shakes as he holds the Voodoo Bag in front of him as defense. I break down and grab a beer.

Commercials.

Viva la Rasa! Eddie is out to the ring, but he’s not all smiles tonight (he doesn’t even have his low rider!) Eddie grabs a mic and says that when he’s wearing that championship, he represents every one of YOU! He represents the boys in the back, he represents America! He runs down Bradshaw, saying his definition of being a real American is skewed. He says that America is about the people that bust ass every day to keep their dreams alive. He says that this match on Sunday isn’t about anyone’s blue blood heritage. This Sunday, it’s about the gut check. It’s about who has it deep down and who has the juevos to come out on top. He lets us know that Mom is all right, but every morning when he wakes up, he has to face his kids asking, “Why did you let him do that, Daddy?” Well, Eddie doesn’t want to wait for Sunday; he wants to do this right now. He demands that Bradshaw get out here now. He is greeted almost immediately by Bradshaw’s music and the arrival of Bradshaw’s limo. Eddie runs out to meet him. When Bradshaw doesn’t get out of the Limo, Eddie finds a steel pipe and decides to go in after him. But Bradshaw’s not there! Over the loudspeaker, we hear Bradshaw’s voice and a bunch of cops come out and Eddie gets arrested for Vandalism and destruction of private property. Once he’s in cuffs, Bradshaw finally shows his face and starts taunting Eddie. Eddie plays it cool, and then charges. Bradshaw fends him off easily but the cops have a hell of a time keeping them separate. Eddie is finally led off and Bradshaw poses in the ring as we go to commercial.

Moments ago: Bradshaw got Eddie arrested.

Out to the ring, and Rico (W/ Miss Jackie and Charlie Haas) is out to take on Hardcore Holly (W/ Billy Gunn). Charlie is still wary of Rico and makes sure to keep Jackie in between them. Billy and Hardcore do Rock paper scissors, and Billy steps out. Rico prances for a second, and Hardcore and Rico lockup. Rico forces Hardcore into the corner and after being forced to break, Hardcore informs us that, “He’s not going to be playing those kind of games.” They try chain wrestling until Rico smacks Hardcore on the ass. Hardcore answers by laying him out. Hardcore with the knife-edges in one corner, Rico reverses a whip and answers with some knife-edges of his own. They brawl around for a bit, Rico gets hit with the Alabama jam and reverses an Alabama slam into a rollup for 2. Rico goes to town with the kicks, but gets put down with a standing dropkick. He answers with a back kick of his own. Rico up top, but he gets caught in a powerslam on the way down and Holly gets the pin. Charlie into the ring to reassure Rico that this was just a fluke, and Billy makes the “we got the belts” gesture. And we’re off to commercials.

Back, and this just in, Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie have been added to the PPV on Sunday. Whoopee.

Earlier this week, Rene DuPree had a special edition of Café Rene. He hasn’t felt welcome since coming to America, this Sunday he’ll prove that he’s better than Americans by beating John Cena. He gets the cheap heat by bringing up the Iraqi prisoners scandal, and we’re off to commercials.

Sin is devouring society, etc. Beware the arrival of Mordecai at Judgement Day.

Back to the Arena, and Cole informs us that Mordecai will not only be there, but will actually be in action at Judgement day. Wow, way to spring this on us.

To the ring, and Sakoda (already in ring W/ Akio) is taking on John Cena in a non-title matchup. Cena has the upper hand with brawling until he eats a flying kick from Akio outside the ring. Sakoda drags him back in the ring and brawls him down for a bit, but this is John Cena, so of course, he fights back up, 5-knuckle shuffle, Akio tries to interfere and gets stared back down out of the ring, F-U for Sakoda, and that’s all she wrote. Akio tries to sneak attack, but eats an F-U of his own. Cena celebrates with a fan’s sign, and we are shot to the Raw Rebound. Hey, I think that in between Monday and now, they’ve taken Grandmaster Sexay out of it.

Back, and its time for John “Bradshaw” Layfield (w/ earlier tonight footage. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t Bradshaw have been slapped in irons as well for assaulting someone in police custody?) Vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.

Lockup, and Bradshaw easily manhandles Rey. Again. Slap to piss him off. Rey comes back with a kick to the knee and dropkick to the mush. Rey tries to keep the assault up, but Bradshaw overpowers him. Rey gets away and leads Bradshaw on a merry chase in and out of the ring. Bradshaw gives up the chase outside the ring and Rey gets back in and does jumping jacks to taunt. Bradshaw huffs and shakes his head and Rey hits him with a baseball slide to send him sprawling. Slingshot body press is caught and Rey eats a fallaway slam. Back in the ring and Bradshaw with the methodical beat down. Rey up in the torture rack. Rey gets out only to be put down by a clothesline. Pump handle slam. Bradshaw puts Rey up on the top turnbuckle and lays in with some rights and chops, but Rey fights back and gets a tornado DDT. Dropkick into the ropes and 6-1-9 connects. Bradshaw ducks the west coast pop, and Rey eats a big boot. Bradshaw abusing Rey in and out of the ring. Bradshaw with the powerbomb bouncing Reys head off the turnbuckle in a sick looking spot. One Hades Lariat later, and Eddie gets the pin.

After the match, Bradshaw demands that his music be cut. He doesn’t give a damn about Eddie’s mother, that she’s lucky to have been alive when Eddie got the title, and if she makes it to Sunday, then she’ll have another heart attack when he destroys Eddie. He goes on to guarantee a win for himself on Sunday, and we’re outta here!

Ok, perfectly acceptable show this week, but one that should have happened 3 weeks ago. 3 days before is not the time to get serious about the storylines going into your PPV, and Judgement Day is going to suffer for it. Personally, I’ll be missing it because I’ll be celebrating my birthday with friends.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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